Disclaimer: Don't own; don't sue.

Spoilers: All aired episodes, but nothing explicit from Season 4.

Author's Notes: Thank you again to my wonderful beta, Fenmir.

peachx89, if you're still out there, there is a TINY Supernatural reference in this one!

I am still in the process of moving and getting settled, so chapters will be slow from this point forward.

Thank you for the remarkable reviews, as well as the views, favorites, and follows. I really do cherish each and every one!

CHAPTER 21: A REFLECTION OF WHO I USED TO BE

Caroline wouldn't admit it, but she had cried when she had scoured her room for college acceptance letters that didn't exist. It was hard enough being unable to remember an entire year of her high school career, but she knew it wouldn't be the best time of her life; that was reserved for college. Graduation was great, but it was only a stepping stone to the future. She was leaving Mystic Falls and everything it stood for far behind.

But she didn't have anywhere to go. She went through every email on her computer and there was nothing. She hadn't even taken the SATs or the ACTs, which meant her stupid future self never even applied for college. She'd never even tried to make plans for the future. What kind of girl was this future Caroline, if she hadn't even bothered to get away from this stupid one trick town?

She knew that she could be shallow, and vain, and sometimes her priorities weren't quite what other people expected. (Her first question after Bill had left was "who's going to take me school clothes shopping?". Her mom had sighed and grabbed her keys and purse.) But she wasn't stupid. Make all the blonde jokes you want, Caroline Forbes had never failed a class, never even gotten below a B-, and she had always known she was going to college.

But now that was all gone. Or at least put on hold. Maybe her vampire self thought that she had all the time in the world? Must be nice, Caroline scoffed. Must be nice to imagine the future as open and free as inhumanly possible; to know that you'd be young and beautiful and strong forever. To know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you could do whatever you wanted, even if people tried to stop you. Caroline shivered. That type of power wasn't always a good thing, and even in the hands of good people could lead to bad things.

But still.

Must be nice.

Stefan tied the apron around his waist, fiddling with the straps nervously. He tried to catch Matt's (Matt, not Matthew, on punishment of an incredibly unhappy pout and a dramatic sigh) eye as he dropped off dishes, but Matt was focused on balancing the heavy plates. Jeremy wasn't even working today.

Holding the empty plastic container against his hip, Stefan walked to the nearest table that needed clearing. Matt had already explained what he needed to do, and it seemed simple enough, but once the Grill had started filling with people, Stefan could barely hear his own thudding heartbeat over the noise of the crowds. It wasn't nearly as full as he'd seen the restaurant, and he shuddered to think of how the place would look in a few short hours.

This job had sounded great in theory. It would get him out of the boarding house (something Elena was constantly pushing; she said she didn't want him to get "broody", whatever that meant) and would help cement his friendships with the other members of their group. Especially with Damon anxious to leave, Stefan knew he would need the support of Elena's friends. He had always relied on Damon for his companionship; Father had strict rules against consorting with the children of the town families, even the Founding families were often looked down upon for being "new" money. As a child, Stefan hadn't minded. Damon was creative and interesting, and seemed much wiser than any of the other children. Even when Katherine had blown into their lives, Stefan had never stopped to imagine a life without his big brother.

So. The job. He had approached Matthew after the graduation ceremony, asking if he would extend him the courtesy of speaking to his employers. Matthew had seemed confused at first, but Stefan was learning that that seemed to be Matt's default facial expression. He had patted Stefan on the shoulder, muttered "yeah, man" and then wandered off. Stefan had felt a bit nervous about his request, but two days later Matt had called him on the portable telephone that Elena made him carry around everywhere and asked him to come in to the Grill. A quick interview later, and Stefan was now a bus boy.

Having filled his container with dirty dishes, stacking them the way Matt had instructed, Stefan carefully hefted it up, wary of the weight. So focused on keeping his hold on the container, he failed to see the group of teenagers passing behind him as he turned.

So naturally, when he collided with the petite girl attempting to pass him, a large glop of steak sauce, mashed potatoes, and ketchup slid off the topmost plate and fell directly onto her chest.

Eyes as round as saucers, fear clogging his throat, Stefan desperately tried to apologize while balancing the large container on one hip as he attempted to brush off the mess with his dish rag.

"Ew, gross, just stop!"

The girl most definitely did not appreciate the damp, lemon-scented cloth so close to her body.

Blushing furiously, Stefan wanted nothing more than to drop the dishes on the floor and make a run for it. Barely ten minutes into his first job, and he'd already made such a mess of it.

"Umm, I'm really sorry."

"Ugh, whatever, thank god you didn't mess up this top, it's brand – oh. Oh, it's you, Stefan. I didn't know you worked here." The girl had stopped her frantic wiping and was now staring at him with an interesting glint in her eyes. Stefan couldn't quite place it, but he was pretty sure he'd only seen in on Katherine before.

"Um. Just started, actually. Today." Was he supposed to know this person? He couldn't recall ever seeing her before in his life, but that meant nothing.

"Oh, of course. Well I totally understand about the mess then," she grinned brightly.

"Sorry," he muttered again, staring at the red tint the ketchup had left on her skin, and blushing all over again when he realized just what part of her body it was on. He was quite used to the fashion of this age, but to think that his hand had been so close to brushing that part of her!

"You know, usually if the restaurant messes something up, the customer gets something for free," she grinned at him. She had a nice smile, but Stefan was a little unnerved by all the teeth she was showing.

"Oh. Oh, I don't know about those rules. I mean, I just started, but I can grab a manager – "

"Oh, that's so not necessary," she laid a hand on his arm, and he had to stop himself from jerking back and dropping the container that was feeling more and more like dead weight in his arms.

"O – oh?" he stuttered.

She grinned again, and Stefan faintly felt her nails digging into his arm. "I mean really, this kind of mess deserves an entire free meal."

"I, I really don't know – "

"So I think that you owe me a dinner!"

"Err, I – "

"Oh, don't be so shy, Stefan! I know you and Elena broke up ages ago, and really, not seeing your handsome face around school has been absolutely dreadful these past few months."

"Is, is this still about – "

"So, this Friday, let's say about seven? We should probably exchange phone – "

"What's going on here?"

Stefan blew out his breath in relief and wrenched his arm out of the girl's grasp, rapidly shuffling behind Matt.

"Stefan?"

Stefan was too busy hiding to answer.

"Dana?" Matt's tone had gotten determinedly darker.

Dana had left her arm floating in the air when Stefan had moved. It had curled into a claw, but that was nothing compared to the glittering stones that were her eyes.

"Nothing to concern your teeny little mind about, Matt Donovan."

"Seriously, Dana? What the hell were you doing to Stefan?"

"Nothing, yet," she smirked at Stefan. He gulped.

"Dana…" Matt warned.

"Ugh, fine. If you must know, Stefan and I were setting up a date for this Friday!"

"What?"

"Don't look so shocked, Donovan. Some people are actually capable of moving beyond Elena Gilbert."

Matt scoffed. "Stefan, is this true? You want to go out with Dana?"

Unable to form a coherent sentence, Stefan shook his head rapidly.

"Looks like just another one of your delusions, Dana," Matt grinned to soften his words.

"Ugh, whatever. Like I was really going to date a high school drop out." Dana spun on her heel and flipped her hair, unwittingly flicking a piece of mashed potato to the top of her head.

"Man, how do you get yourself into these situations?" Matt laughed as he turned around to face a shell-shocked Stefan.

"I don't, I mean, I just, I spilled some food on her, and – "

"Chill, man, Dana comes on pretty strong. She actually models herself after Caroline, but don't you dare tell her that."

"Caroline?"

"Yeah. I know you don't remember it, but Caroline hit on you when you first got here. You turned her down, she ended up with Damon, and the rest is kind of history, you know."

Stefan blinked. "Oh."

Matt cocked his head. "I thought you knew all that."

"Yes, I did," he said slowly. "But… I hadn't realized the pain my brother and I had caused from the moment we arrived."

"Aw, man, don't think of it that way. Look, I don't like what you guys have done, especially Damon. And I'm not going to say none of it was your fault, 'cause dude, some of it totally was. But it's in the past, you know? You can't keep beating yourself up about it."

"Does Caroline… has she forgiven our deeds?"

"For you? Hell yeah. You guys got pretty close. You helped her with her vampirism," Matt muttered the word, "and you hung out a lot." Matt shrugged. "So don't even worry about it."

"What about Damon?"

"What about Damon?" Matt scratched at his nose.

"Has she forgiven him?"

"Whoa, man. That's not for me to say. That's all on Caroline." Stefan dropped his head and shifted the dishes from one hand to another. Sighing, Matt continued. "That's a conversation between them, okay? You're not his keeper. And… look, Caroline has a big heart. As big as Elena, even if people don't always see that."

Stefan paused. "Thank you, Matthew. I value that more than I can express."

Matt groaned and ran a hand over his hair. "Aww, man, we talked about that whole "Matthew" thing. Hey, how about you take those dishes back and see if they need another dishwasher. I don't think Dana is quite done with her crusade."

Stefan smiled, a faint blush on his cheeks. "Thank you, Matt."

"Yeah, yeah, no problem," he muttered as he moved away. "Get going, before we both get fired for standing around."

Damon had rarely entertained jealousy before. He was intelligent, strong, beautiful, wealthy, and had whatever else people desired. Yes, his mother died when he was still young, and his father had no affection for him, but he had never bothered being envious of more "complete" families. He had Stefan, who hung upon his every word. Katherine, whose beauty and mind far outshone anyone else's.

And yet.

No matter what searches he sent out, no matter what name he used, he could not find a single whiff of his beloved Katherine (his mind refused to connect her with the elusive Katerina, although he was eager to know that part of her).

How could his future self have spent over a hundred and fifty years working towards her return? How had he waited, unable to hold her, alone while the world changed about him?

How did he not go mad with impatience?

Damon did not have the answer.

Admittedly, his skills using the internet (which had nothing to do with actual webbing, or tubes, or cats in tubes, as he had originally thought) were limited. But his future self had developed his own connections with various magical beings across the world, and most, while not exactly willing to help, were easily convinced with vague allusions to knowledge he no longer had. He was not a blackmailer by trade, but whatever worked, he supposed. He had exhausted every network his email and cellphone had. Scores of witches, vampires, and at least one empath were supposedly seeking his love.

And yet not a single word of her location.

Doing his best not to give in to his despair (which felt incredibly like frustration, but he refused to accept that), he went through the monotonous process of checking his email.

First, immediate deletion of all the spam that made its way through his filters.

Then, he sorted the other pieces of information that he knew weren't pressing, such as the interest on his multiple bank accounts (who could spend that much money?), and various newsletters (Singer's Scrap Heap always let him know when a classic car that might interest him was available), and notices from antique houses (he didn't think he would ever understand his future self's obsession with Persian rugs).

Finally, all that was left were the possible leads.

Two emails from witches saying their locator spells were useless. Yeah, big shock there. The first thirteen locator spells hadn't worked, why would these?

An email from the empath, whose emails were always labeled by a different state. This time it was "Missouri". She, or he (he honestly had no clue), didn't have any leads on Katherine, but they knew of an amulet that might help him find her. Some sort of gold figure that pointed in the direction of the thing he wanted most. It sounded like way too much work, if you asked him, but then again… nothing was too much for his Katherine, right? He saved that message for future study.

Then all that was left were three emails from unknown senders.

The first was a genital-enlargement advertisement that disgusted, but intrigued him as well. This century was so strange, with its conflicted obsession and fear of things of a sexual nature.

The second was mindless gibberish. For a moment, he hoped that it was a code that he and Katherine had developed, but that hope quickly died. There was no mention of such a code in any of his books or files. If it was a code, it was one he could not decipher. Irritated, he squinted at the curious squiggles, as if he could force them to force words, when the entire screen went black.

Damon jerked his head back, at first thinking that his vision had blacked out due to his over-concentration.

But no, the computer had definitely shut off and was slowly coming back up. The background appeared, then each icon, and finally the email system. Beyond irritated, he pulled out his notebook to draw an approximation of the amulet the empath had described. When he glanced up, he dropped his notebook on the floor with a thud.

The last remaining email was open, and despite the plain type set, he knew from the first few words who it was from.

'My darling Damon,

A little bird happened to mention that you were looking for me.

You should know, I cannot be found that easily. But I'm flattered that you're trying so hard.

You clearly have questions. As do I. Meet me on Belle Isle in two days at sunrise.

Come alone.

Katherine'

Damon swallowed hard. His hand hovered over the mouse, unsure what exactly he wanted to do. Before he could act, the screen blacked out again. He threw the mouse down in frustration, ignoring how it hung by the cord pathetically.

Just as before, the screen slowly came back to life. Desperately, he clicked insistently on the email icon, hoping to force it to open faster. Seconds later, though it certainly felt longer, his inbox opened.

But the email from Katherine was gone. As was the one filled with gibberish.

Well.

It looked like he would have to be patient for only little while longer.