(A/N - Hey guys! Thanks for all of your comments! This chapter has everyone trying to work through the explanation that Loki gave and Thor and Loki have a much needed talk. Loved writing that part. So lemme know how this one is.

Also, regarding the comment about how the explanation was not in line with canon, well, all events leading up to The Snap are canon but everything else, including the feelings and all analysis of situations are of my own creation. That includes Loki's explanation. Also, it is canon that he was being influenced by the mind stone. I only built up on it. I really hated the fact that Marvel killed Loki right when he was redeemed (and he was redeemed... he never tried to hurt Thor in either TDW or TR, other than trying to give Thor to the Grandmaster and I don't think he would have gone ahead with it. Loki knew how dangerous the Grandmaster is... he was scared for like half the time he was there).

Sorry for the long(ish) rant but I really feel strongly about Loki.

Anyway, let's go on with the chapter.)

CHAPTER 21

"Now what's the problem?" Rocket broke the heavy silence, bringing everyone back to the present. "You wanted to know what he did and why and he told you. Now what are you waiting for?"

"Can we take his words on face value?" Steve asked in general.

"Do you have any other choice?" Brunn asked. "Unless you know someone else who could tell what was going on in Loki's mind, I suggest you take his words with a pinch of salt. I don't think he was lying… for the most part. There are bound to be some lies in there, no one would ever tell the complete truth in such matters."

"He has been cooperative ever since we met him on Sakaar." Bruce said. "Is it possible that he was maybe trying to help in his own screwed up way ever since the invasion? I mean, Thor did say that Loki had died on that dead planet while saving Thor in the process."

Sif pursed her lips and spoke up, "I cannot tell much about how Loki works, but I can guarantee that the way Loki fought here on Midgard, all those years ago, that was not the Loki we grew up with. He would never allow anything or anyone to touch him. He hardly ever had a scratch on him after a fight, unless it was obtained while protecting someone. He never plays around – he goes for the kill, whether be it during a hunt or a skirmish and yet here he was only playing around the entire time. From what I remember, he had many opportunities to kill any of you."

"And still each one of you survived. His explanation makes as much sense to me as everything else he does." Hogun said firmly.

Clint got up from his place and walked out abruptly. Tony moved to follow him but Natasha waved him down, "He needs to be alone for some time to think things through."

"I think we all do." Thor rumbled and walked out. He needed to clear his head. Things that Loki had told them all, things that he inferred, they were all messing up his set notions about everything, especially their father. Had Odin know? Had he known about all this when he sentenced Loki to solitary confinement, knowing very well that Loki could not bear silences? The god watched Barton go up the stairs towards the restricted area where the families were staying. Sighing, he went to the outdoor practice area. He wanted to be in an open area in case he lost control over the lightening running amok under his skin, trying to claw its way out in the open and cause as much havoc as possible, so that the outside mirrored his feelings.

"Tony," Steve called, "what do you think?"

"Me?" Tony was surprised that Steve was asking his opinion on something. Things may have improved between the two of them, but to this extent? He did not think so. Then again, Loki was the reason the two had even considered working together in the first place. It made sense that he would be the reason those two started to work together once again.

"Well, yeah."

Tony shut his eyes and bowed his head and mumbled, "I don't know what to think. Does his side of the story make sense? Maybe. We don't know him at all. How can we decide whether the actions he carried out are in character with who he is or was or whatever?" He leaned back and exhaled loudly. Looking at Steve, he pointed out, "Moreover, he has absolutely no remorse about killing anyone. For him, it is all a part and parcel of life. I mean, who doesn't feel bad after killing people?"

"Bad guys." Shuri answered.

"Hardened warriors." Brunn said drily. "Nameless and faceless people die every day. You don't feel bad for everyone." At the humans' shocked look, she smirked, "We are a warrior race. Do you know what that means? It means that before learning how to walk, we learn how to punch someone. Our bedtime stories include details of gory death. Dying in battle is the way every one of us wants to go. We live for around five millennia and in that time we get used to seeing people die. We cannot sit around, filling ourselves with regret over each life that was lost especially in a battle."

"She is right." Volstagg said. "We see people die, we kill people, we pay our respects and then we move on. It is the way of life for us. I know it sounds horrible but for a life this long, we would not make it past even a millennium if we do not follow this. That does not mean that we like the casualness of the whole thing. We are just used to it."

"Trust me, the only reason you guys are so wound up about it is because it happened to you." Brunn looked each of them in the eye. "None of you seemed to bat an eye when you were told of Nebula's exploits. How about this: I have personally killed hundreds of thousands of people of all species. Back then this realm was a wasteland and we didn't need to kill anyone to acquire it as part of the Nine, but every other realm? The elders still shiver at the call of the Valkyries. But, you don't care, because you were not on the receiving end of it. It is how things are, with everyone. Unless something horrible happens to you, you cannot care about it beyond a point. The point differs from person to person, but it is still there."

"We say this, not to disregard the pain or suffering caused by Loki." Heimdall said in his steady voice that made the humans feel at ease even after Brunn's callous words. "As a matter of fact, we condemn his actions and his insane plan of leading an invasion to get the Allfather's attention. Even though his intentions seem to be right, his actions were gravely wrong and not justified in the least. I am sure a part of him might feel the same, but refuses to see the ills done by him in favor of any and all good that came out of those actions. We only tell you this so as to help you understand the nature of our kind. Cultural barriers are the hardest to overcome and your judgement might be skewered due to it."

"We'll leave you guys to discuss all this. It must be a lot to take in especially if your entire species is as kind hearted as the little guy." Brunn smiled a little at a pink faced Bruce and got up to leave. The other Asgardians, too left with her.

"Where do you think Thor is?" Brunn asked as she led the way, but stopped short, not knowing where to go next.

"You want to go to Thor when he is upset?" Sif asked in surprise.

"Yeah, why not?"

"It is not wise to do so." Fandral grinned. "As a matter of fact, there has only ever been one person foolish enough to do so and successfully manage to talk to Thor without getting anything broken."

"Let me guess: Loki?" At the answering shrugs, Brunn sighed and asked, "Anyone wanna spar?"

"Of course!" Sif said excitedly, not wanting to miss an opportunity to fight against the famed Valkyrie.

"They are crazy. Every single one of them!" Scott muttered when only the Avengers were left in the room. Rocket and Nebula had excused themselves and went up to their spaceship, not wanting to stay in the uncomfortable atmosphere. None of the things that had happened, concerned either of them and since the Avengers were not finding any fault with Nebula, she wasn't really interested in reminding them of her past. They seemed to be pretty stuck to their own set of rules and principles.

"Can you fault them?" Shuri asked wisely and pulled her legs up on the couch. She looked more like a child that she actually was and less like the leader of the most advanced nation on their planet. "I mean, even here on Earth, we discriminate everyone based on a variety of things and we struggle to understand those who have a different thinking than ours. And here we are talking about an entirely different species, from an alien planet where everyone lives for like five thousand years or something. There are bound to be some cultural differences."

"Yeah, like how some hand gestures are considered rude in other countries…" Scott trailed off at everyone's confused look and added, "Hey, I was under house arrest for like two years. I have random information stored in my head by now. I also know how to do magic thanks to YouTube."

"Paltry card tricks, you mean or sleight of hand." Wong said in a disinterested manner. "That is not magic."

"Whatever. My kid loves them."

"Anyway," Steve interrupted the conversation from going further off topic, "the point is, cultural differences aside, can we really trust the person who attacked us, provoked us and killed hundreds? I read up on the stories we have here on Loki. They call him the god of lies. Can we trust anything that comes out of his mouth?"

"Lies or no, he seemed to hate Thanos. That much was obvious and if we can concentrate on that, then maybe we can see if he has some tricks up his sleeve?" Natasha questioned herself. It wasn't every day that she second guessed her own decisions, but today was one such day.

"We could just ask him." Banner suggested. "When I met him on Sakaar, I asked him if he was going to kill me and he replied with 'it varies from moment to moment' or something along those lines. He never tried to even provoke me the entire time."

"That's cuz the Hulk smashed him.

"He kind of didn't seem to mind the Hulk when we on the Statesman. I remember flashes of memories from that time."

"So, decision?" Tony asked, wanting to finish the discussion and seek solace in Pepper's arms. "Personally, I think we should leave that to Clint. He was the most affected out of all of us and his word should be final."

Clint stared out at the sea that was visible from this particular side of the facility. He could feel his wife move closer behind him after shutting the sliding door that led to their private balcony. The slightly cold wind ruffled his hair and the afternoon sun warmed him up. But the pleasant climate did nothing to soothe his turmoil. What to believe and what not to? This question ate him up. Should he hold on to the intrusion to his privacy and assault on his mind that Loki had so gladly done and accepted or should he listen to the logical side of his brain that pointed out few cues that suggested that Loki's tale held an ounce of truth in it?

Laura came and stood next to her husband, holding his hand in silent support as he battled his thoughts and tried to make sense of things. She knew it must be hard on him – on one side he could continue to be the agent who had been influenced by Loki and keep on feeling like a victim and second doubting his own moves and on the other side, he could let go of that feeling of helplessness and see the world in a better way and if in that way lay Loki's reclassification to a victim from a villain, then how much was Clint losing? Whatever the decision, she knew that Clint would voice out his thought process and she wasn't kept waiting for long.

"I feel like someone pulled the ground from beneath my feet." Clint muttered, speaking more to himself than to his wife. "Did he really? Was he… was he telling the truth? Does it even change anything? He did what he did and it was my world that was turned upside down. That… that feeling… suffocation… watching myself hurt the people I worked with for years. I couldn't even stop myself. Could only watch and scream." The archer felt his wife squeeze his hand and he took the support that she offered by just being present. He spoke to her, knowing very well that she had heard these words a million times before and yet didn't mind the repetition. "The… the helplessness that I was going through… you know… I don't know how much damage that little stunt of his did to my brain. It destroyed my career. You know that. Fury never gave me any other high profile case. Avengers were my only job… keeping tabs on them. I can't breathe sometime… what if… what if he is still in my head? What if he changed something in there… something fundamental? Nat says not to worry, not to think about it because I overcame it and we kicked his ass. How can I not worry? How can I be alright with all this? I already told him so much about the Avengers… so much about Natasha… what if I told him about you and the kids? I have put you all at risk! And now he roams free! At least when he was on Asgard, I felt a bit better, but now he is here, under this very roof and we have no freaking way of containing him. Hulk hasn't even made an appearance all this time and he was the only one who could literally put a dent on Loki. Thor loves him too much to hurt him and can we even trust the other Asgardians? Loki was or is still their prince. Wouldn't they listen to him over us?"

Barton sighed and sat down on the wicker chair. Closing his eyes, he tried taking a few relaxing breaths. In all this time, his wife had not spoken a word and as usual he was glad for her silence. He could not take yet another person telling him how he should feel and what he should do. He knew his friends meant well. They always did, but this was an experience that none could fathom and unfortunately, at the moment, if Loki's words were to be considered, he might be the only one who might have some sort of clue about what Clint was going through. And wasn't that ironic?

Thor dragged his feet with a heavy heart as he thought about Loki's confession. Now that the initial shock of the whole thing had worn away, it gave birth to restlessness, mostly about his wayward brother's whereabouts. The sneakers clad feet stubbed against a rock and Thor stopped himself from falling flat on his face. He looked around and found himself walking along the coastline. Well, on the cliff on the coastline to be more precise. The god looked out at the sea and could almost imagine himself back on Asgard, sitting on a similar cliff with his brother and friends, telling tall tales and sipping mead. Those were better times when there were no titans or stones to be worried about, when Loki's history had not been known to them and more importantly, when his family was still a happy family. Or had that been a façade? Had he been the only one ignorant to his father's deeds?

It was some paces ahead when Thor felt a shift in the atmosphere. Being attuned to the nature enough to be able to control it to some extent, Thor had always been able to tell when something was amiss. Right now, he felt a sort of charge in the air, but he soon relaxed as he figured that he had found where his brother had disappeared to. An agitated Loki had always had trouble controlling his power and it almost always resulted in a drop in temperature and an electric charge in the air, not unlike Thor's own lightening. However, unlike the lightening, Loki's power did not hurt anyone unless he wanted it to. As Thor made his way down the slightly rocky path to the seaside, he wondered whether his brother had calmed down enough to not hurt him on sight.

The golden haired king stopped short as he saw his brother's hunched form sitting on the edge of the sea, just shy of being touched by the water. Or maybe he didn't let the water touch him. He did always have an aversion to getting wet without reason. Loki's legs were pulled up against his chest and his head was resting on his knees as he continued to stare at the rhythmic movement of the waves, his green cape (he had changed back into his princely attire) fluttering slightly in the wind. In that moment, Loki actually looked his age and Thor realized that ever since the Bifrost incident (that was what he had resigned himself to call it), Loki had looked older than he truly was. Hel, sometimes he looked even older than Thor! But not now. Now he just looked like a lost child. That in turn made Thor feel lost. The feeling of drifting without anchor came back with a vengeance.

Ever since Ragnarok, Thor had been battling with the thought of having nowhere to go. Sure, he remained cheery in front of the people, telling tales about the beauty of Midgard, but Midgard wasn't Asgard, no matter how much he might try to make it like that for the people. They had lost their home, their families and no change of scenery was going to take away the hollowness that settled deep within all of them, especially Thor. Within a short span of a few years, he lost his brother (then got back a shell of who Loki used to be), lost his mother, his father, his favored weapon, his hair and the newly found murderous sister and now his home. The weariness was suffocating and Thor focused on what he had in front of him – a part of his old life in the form of his brother.

Lightening ran over his body as Thor removed the basic illusion of wearing Midgardian clothes. They were comfortable, no doubt about it, but he wanted a reminder of home at this moment and his own princely armor was just that – a taste of home. Thor took a few hesitant steps forward and sighed internally when the change in atmosphere slowly reduced to a more acceptable level. Perhaps Loki was comforted by his presence or he was just ensuring that he didn't accidently hurt Thor. Knowing Loki, it could be either of the two or something else altogether. Encouraged by the lack of hostility, Thor sat down next to Loki, mirroring his brother's posture. They sat in a semi comfortable silence, both waiting for the other to speak up and yet not wanting to break the ice.

"I did not yield." Loki whispered, his words almost getting carried away by the wind and lost in the sound of the waves and had Thor not been attuned to his brother to this extent, he would have definitely missed it. But luckily he did not. Although he was confused about what Loki meant. Whom did he not yield to? As if hearing the unasked question, the younger brother repeated himself, in order to drive the message home. Thor frowned but did not utter a word, scared that his brother would stop talking at being reminded of the present.

"I wanted to… many times… but I did not. I was… am not a traitor."

Understanding dawned and realization set in as Thor turned to peek at his brother. Loki was still staring at the horizon, but the tensed body muscles suggested that his complete attention was on Thor. Following this brother's example, Thor too fixed his gaze on the bright horizon and assessed the words spoken. He could not take them just on face value. More often than not, there was some other message hidden in Loki's dialect. That was the one lesson Thor had managed to learn the hard way. So he analyzed the words spoken and came at only one conclusion: Loki was trying to tell him that he had been brave… that he had not fallen weak when that had been the only choice available to him… that he did not willingly give up any information.

Thor smiled ruefully. He could not believe that Loki had wanted to show him, to tell him that he had not betrayed him. Wasn't that the one thing Thor always blamed Loki for? And yet, when he had the chance, Loki did not take it. The older brother needed no assurances for that. He knew that Loki had only ever betrayed him when it was just the two of them and it never included outsiders, not unless Loki was playing a bigger game. The only time Loki had included an outsider was the time of his botched coronation and even then he probably had some cards to play. It reminded Thor of one of the few times they had fought publicly – most of their fights were behind closed doors with hardly any audience other than their parents or their friends. But there was this one time when they fought in front of a rude visitor, who had then taken up the chance to insult both the brothers. That did not sit well with either of them. They were the only ones who were allowed to insult one another and if anyone else did it, well, despite their own issues, both the brothers would set the third party straight, like how they had done with that particular visitor. So, Thor needed no affirmation that Loki had not sold him out to Thanos or anyone else for that matter. He may have been angry and may have wanted retribution, but he would have never given out details to anyone.

"I know."

Loki closed his eyes in relief. Those two simple words from his brother had spoken volumes. He no longer had to worry about what Thor thought of him because Thor was now the only person in the entire universe who knew the real Loki. All remaining tension oozed out of him and he could feel himself get more in control of his emotions and in turn, his powers. Still, he felt like Thor needed more information and Loki was tired of leaving things to speculation. He had done that enough. He thought that his actions could speak louder than his words because no one ever listened to what he had to say, perhaps they would see the message behind his actions. Unfortunately, that had not been the case. Now, after years of misunderstanding, his brother was finally listening and not just hearing what he wanted to hear. And Loki was in a sharing mood.

"I only worked along with him because I thought that I could use the situation to my advantage. That I could escape and still be able to cause sufficient damage to both you and father."

"Why did you hate me so?" Thor asked the question that had been haunting him for years. He could never guess the reason for his brother's hatred towards him. Odin, he could understand to an extent – Loki and their father had always been at odds, but why him?

The question was left hanging in the air due to the silence that followed. Thor wondered if he would ever get an answer for that question and Loki, well, he had no answer prepared for this particular question. He could throw taunts and anger Thor like he had done all this while but what was the point? He was tired! One suicide attempt and two actual deaths and multiple near deaths later, he was just tired of keeping it all in. If his latest plan of getting the stones (still in progress) would work, then he might not make out of it, again, and he did not want to leave things left unsaid. Death's words rang in his ears. Right before he had gone off in search of his companions, Death had cornered him and told him clearly that 'this was the last chance'. If he died this time, there was no coming back. Not that he was certain that he would somehow manage to come back to life all the previous times. He looked at Thor briefly before turning his gaze to a wave forming in the distance. He was getting too attached. If he didn't leave soon enough, he would never be able to leave. With all these thoughts in his mind, he spoke his heart for the first time in many years.

"What do you remember of our childhood, Thor?" Loki asked, struggling to keep the bitterness away from his tone. "Was it happy? All smiles and no fears?"

"Not all the time but we were happy. Deliriously so, at times."

"Were we? Or were you? Thor, our childhoods… we spent it together but… but they were different from each other's. You were happy, I was… less so. You remember the good times and I cannot move past the bad. It doesn't… doesn't make either of us wrong, but it does make us very different from each other. You had things handed to you… don't deny it."

"I am not. If there is one thing I have learned after coming to Midgard, it is how much I have taken for granted."

Loki smiled, "At least the exile was of some use."

"Not the exile… I mean after the Convergence."

"Oh," Loki said simply and gulped the feeling of a little guilt at keeping his brother in the dark. But looks like it was important to his character growth. Well, all's well that ends well. That phrase had become his life motto by now.

Loki cleared his throat and continued, "Even as a child, I was aware that I was different, not only from our family but also from any other Asgardian and most would not leave any chance to remind me of that. Including you."

"ME?"

"Yes, you. How many times had you made fun of me in front of an audience? Even if it was just your stupid warrior friends, they were still outsiders. They were our guards first, friends later. You changed that. You never stopped them and if I tried, you would never hesitate to remind me to 'know my place'."

"It was all a jest, brother." Thor said desperately, remembering a few instances when he had made fun of Loki. But it was all harmless fun, wasn't it? Wasn't it?

"Jest, Thor?" Loki scoffed, his irritation resurfacing. "Even a joke runs its course and stops, but something at my expense? No, those 'jests' never stopped. They may have been oh, so hilarious for you all, but they had stopped being funny to me a long time ago. Leave that," he said dismissively. "What exactly did you mean by 'know your place'? What was my place? Tell me!"

Thor screwed his eyes shut and tried to think of when he had ever uttered those words to Loki and why would he do so?

"You don't remember, do you?" Loki asked, a sad smile adorning his face as he looked intently at his brother. At the ensuing silence, Loki sighed. "Of course you don't. One does not always remember the words spoken by them but the person who has to hear these things… they cannot forget. You always said those words when you were angry… at anyone and I had the misfortune of trying to get you to see sense."

"My place. What was it? Was it the prince of Asgard, the second in line but equal in command, one of the most powerful sorcerer, and that was the title the Vanir gave me, God of mischief, or was it your younger brother, who had always been taken for granted. What was my place, brother?"

"Loki…"

"You want to know why I hated you – this is why. You had always treated me as inferior to you, Thor. Always. And it was evident to all – to our people, to our friends and to me." Loki let out a shaky breath and tried to control himself. He could feel the traitor tears burning his eyes, but he would not let them fall. Not anymore. "Thor, things were always easy for you. Not for me. I had to always work double just to get the respect and consideration that was due to me, if not for my personality then at least for my station. I was always compared to you. Always. In whatever I did, I was never good enough, unless it was mother. She was truly the only one who treated us as equals. I was your equal, then why… why was I always told that I could never be as great as Thor? Why was I made to feel that I did not deserve anything that I was being given? Everyone always blamed me for looking out for only myself. Well, I had to do it, because no one else would."

"Loki," Thor's voice cracked, hearing the pain in his brother's voice, "I-I am sorry, brother."

"I am not doubting your love for me, Thor," Loki carried on as if Thor had not spoken, "but I am saying that you never respected me and without respect, I am sorry, but without respect, love means little. How could I not hate you after all this? After you made me feel like I was lesser than you? I even believed it. I did not know why it was so, but I believed it when I was told that you were better than me. And then I came to know my reality and I thought, of course I was lesser, because a jotunn could never be as great as an Asgardian, especially a discarded jotunn."

"It is not so." Thor said vehemently. "I was foolish. My words were foolish. I…"

"You have no need to explain yourself to me, brother." Loki interrupted Thor. "I do not blame you. That was what we both were taught. Thor before Loki. And that was why I hate father so much! We were children. We would blindly follow what we were taught, but Odin… he could have taught us different. Mother tried, probably, but we both were shadows of father. We loved to imitate him. I just wish we knew when to stop."

"Loki, I am truly sorry… for everything I did." Thor said, extending his hand to hold his hurting brother but not having the courage to do so after hearing Loki's accusations. But something in Loki's posture made him think that maybe his brother needed the comfort more than Thor needed to wallow in self-loathing. So he placed his hand on his brother's shoulder. Loki initially stiffened but then relaxed slightly.

Leaning into the comforting touch, Loki whispered, "Someday Thor, I'll forgive you. Someday." Loki knew it was a lie, the moment those words left him. He had, somewhere on the way, forgiven his brother for all the childhood traumas, but he could not let Thor know that. He had had time to work through a lot of his issues but Thor was only now grasping the extent of damage his thoughtless words and deeds had done Loki. If Loki forgave him now… then Thor would never learn. They no longer had parents to take care of them and show them the correct path. This was the least he could do for the only family member who truly wanted him, after their mother.

"Where's reindeer games?" Tony asked off handedly as he hunched over his work station.

"Still somewhere on the beach. Thor went there almost two hours ago. Neither have returned yet."

Tony nodded at Friday's response and absently tinkered with an old engine that he always disassembled only to reassemble it, whenever he was anxious. He needed to find another stress busting activity because the engine was now too easy to work on and it didn't help him at all. After the discussion with the others, he had made a beeline to his room, knowing very well that Pepper would come to him over there. And we wasn't wrong. Pepper had been waiting for him and he found peace in her level headed company. But that had been an hour ago and after several other discussions with other teammates, they were yet to reach a conclusion regarding Loki. Amidst all the heavy talks, Tony had felt like he would just explode and so he made his way to his safe haven – his lab. No one would disturb him here and he would be left to his own thoughts.

He was proved wrong when his trustworthy Friday alerted him that Clint was seeking permission to enter the lab. The inventor sighed and allowed entry, keeping his half disassembled engine away.

Clint Barton walked in and looked around at the semi lit lab. Just this very morning he had been here, talking about condemning Loki to the Raft and now… He took his time to reach an unusually patient Tony and perched on the desk adjacent to Tony's main work station.

"You okay?"

"Yeah." Clint bit his tongue and wondered whether he was doing the right thing. This was the last chance to back down. "I need a favor." Not backing down now. With his heart thundering away, Clint asked, "How effective is that B.A.R.F. tech of yours?"

Tony straightened up and replied, "Pretty effective."

"I want one of those glasses. There's something that I need to see."