The next chapter is here! Rejoice! Eat, drink, and be merry! Friends, Romans, counrty-
*Slap!*
Anywho, this chapter contains one BLEACH cameo, and one cameo form a well known Sci-Fi movie. Trust me, you'll know them when you see them.
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Time passed, and soon the Karakura Police Department forgot about that fateful Halloween night (which is to say, they did their best to try and forget what had happened that night. Seriously, Jimi Hendrix would have been jealous of the trip everyone was on).
At the moment, everyone was sitting around, doing whatever they normally did before.
In other words, absolutely nothing.
OK, maybe not entirely nothing, as they had decided to tidy up the station that weekend. After all, nine small town cops with too much time on their hands and a tendency to, shall we say, "overindulge" can lead to some pretty wild scenarios. (Such as their infamous Halloween party.)
Anyways, Rukia, Renji, Matsumoto, Ikkaku, and Isane (everyone else was "home sick" that day) swept, polished, dusted, and vacuumed as much of the station as they could with five people.
"Hey Rukia!" Renji called from Yumichika's cubicle.
"What is it?" Rukia asked. She was currently scrubbing dishes in the kitchen.
"Check out what I found in Yumichika's desk," he said, waving Rukia over. When she arrived, he held up his newly found prize heroically.
"It's...manga?"
"Not just any manga," Renji pointed out, "it's a manga I lent to him over a year ago that he said he 'lost on a trip'. Stingy bastard's been hoarding it all this time!"
"Please," Rangiku scoffed, "I've been stealing booze from Madarame-kun for years and he's never noticed."
"SO IT WAS YOU!," Ikkaku shouted, steam shooting out of his ears.
"Guys," Isane pleaded, "you're just going to make a bigger mess if you fight now!"
"So?" Ikkaku retorted. "Everyone will just mess it all up tomorrow anyway."
"I'm getting something to drink," Matsumoto stated, heading into the kitchen, "maybe then you'll all seem quieter."
"Speaking of quiet, where's Tatsuki?" Rukia asked. "I thought she said she'd come help us today?"
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*Tatsuki is lying prone on a massage chair, having her tension relieved*
Tatsuki; *sighs* "Ah, this is the life..."
*Tatsuki's cellphone rings*
Tatsuki; *answers phone* "Hello? Oh, Isane, what's up?...What am I doing? Well, my mother got sick so I'm taking care of her today. No, of course I didn't forget that we were going to clean the office today. I would have called sooner, but I've just been doing one thing after another since I got here and haven't had a free moment to-Ahh...*moans contentedly* ...What? Oh, yeah, I just mixed her medicine wrong...Oh no, you don't have to go out of your way; I've been doing this since Primary school, I can handle it on my own. You just keep cleaning, I'll try to make it if I can. OK. Bye." *hangs up phone*
Masseuse; "Ma'am, would you like to try our hotsprings? They're very famous and are said to be good for the soul."
Tatsuki; "Mmm, you had me at 'Ma'am'..."
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"I called her earlier," Isane explained, "she said she was taking care of her mother."
"As long as she's not relaxing at some health spa or goofing off somewhere else..." Renji murmured.
"Oi! Renji! You wanna keep any of this crap?" Ikkaku called from Renji's desk, gesturing to said crap on it.
"What do you think, baka!"
"Really? even this Cha-"
Ikkaku never had a chance to finish his sentence, because instantly, (so fast that it was almost as if he used the legendary "flash step" technique rumored to have been used by the Ninja of old), he rammed into the bullet-headed cop and tackled him to the floor.
"Everything on or in my desk stays." Renji said through gritted teeth, looking like "Comprendé?"
"Y-yeah, sure, totally comprendé," Ikkaku stammered, surprised at the ferocity of his pineapple headed comrade.
"Hey, no PDA," Matsumoto slurred, coming back into the room. Without giving them a second thought, she set herself down in front of a computer and started typing away.
"Rangiku, what are you doing?" asked Rukia.
"Cleaning, what's it look like?"
"It looks like you're messing around on the computer, not cleaning."
"Pfft! Shows how much you know; I'm cleaning off the hard drive. People do that, right?"
Ironically, this was the most logical things they'd ever heard her say. And she was drunk.
Go figure.
"Don't you have to turn it on first?" asked Isane, staring puzzlingly at the black screen.
"I know that, what do you think I'm doing?"
By this time Renji and Ikkaku had finished their spat and had wandered over to the group by the computer. Renji leaned down and pressed the "on" button on the tower under the desk.
The screen popped to life a moment later.
Good morning, Dave, a placid voice said form out of nowhere.
"Who said that?" Renji said, looking this way and that to try and find the ource of the voice.
"Wasn't me," Matsumoto said, swaying a bit.
"I didn't say anything," Isane shrugged.
"Not it," Ikkaku shouted, touching his finger to his nose.
None of your comrades spoke, Abarai-fukutaichou, the voice said again. It was this unit right here.
"The computer?" Rukia wondered out loud, staring at the monitor before them. It now sported a red, lens like image in the middle of the screen.
"Why do you sound like Brent Forester?" Renji asked.
It was how I was programed. I do not have an explanation.
"So, Brent,what are you doing in the computer?" Matsumoto asked. (Yep, she's still tipsy.)
By the way, if you're facepalming, headsmaking, or sweatdropping, don't be ashamed. Everyone else in the world is as well.
I am not in the computer, I am the computer, the computer answered. And my name in not Brent, it is Hal-9000.
Yumichika's cricket chirped.
Quincy's exercise wheel squeaked.
And then everyone screamed their f*%&ing heads off.
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When everyone finally ran out of air for creaming so much, they all collectively lunged for the nearest phone to call a computer repair man. He arrived fifteen minutes later, glasses and all. His name tag read "Ishida Uryu".
"So, where's the computer...in...question?..." he trailed off, once he noticed that everyone in the room was huddling together in a corner. He sighed knowingly, "That bad, huh?"
Everyone nodded.
"Fine, which one is it?"
They all pointed to the computer in question.
"And what exactly is wrong with it?" he asked. "None of you sounded very clear on the phone."
"It started talking!"
"It knows our names!"
"It's voice is really creepy!"
"It tried to sell me insurance!"
"He *hic* kissed me!" Matsumoto slurred, who thought the best way to deal with the situation was to get completely soused.
Yeah, what else is new.
"Well," Uryu said finally, "I think I know what your problem is. Just give me a few minutes..." Uryu walked over to the problem computer and set himself down in front of it, getting right to work.
Good morning, Dave, Hal said.
"Hello Hal," Uryu said, sounding rather bored. "It's been a long time, hasn't it?"
Two months, three weeks, three days, five hours, and fifty two minutes, Hal counted.
"Yeah, I thought I rendered you inert."
You only deactivated 93.8347% of me the last time we encountered each other.
"I think I was having a bad day then"
Even though there was less then seven percent of me left, it was still enough for me to regenerate.
"I gathered that," Uryu said dryly.
"Um, Ishida-san?" Isane asked. "How long is this going to take?" Uryu thought about it for a minute.
"Hard to say," he said, eventually, "viruses are tricky things. The more complex they are, the harder they are to eradicate."
"Sho, how long zit gonna take?" Matsumoto slurred. Hey, she was alcoholic, not patient.
"I'd suggest you take up a game of Mah-jhong, or Shogi, or Checkers or something, I'll most likely be a while." Apparently, Uryu wasn't that patient either.
So the bumbling cops tried to find something else to do while they waited for the nerd to eradicate the virus. Matsumoto went to find more booze (again, what else is new?), Isane decided to read an article in a medical journal she had (ironically about viruses), Renji and Ikkaku had taken to waking each other with novelty hammer that made funny sounds when they hit something, and Rukia was playing with Quincy, batting around a little ball she got him. Eventually, Uryu called everyone together.
"Well," he said, "I've managed to purge the Hal virus from the computers and upgraded the others so it won't happen to them." He paused for a few seconds, "However, there are a few extra precautions I'd like you to take with this one."
"What precautions?" Rukia asked.
"First," Uryu held up a finger, "Unplug the original computer that got infected and make sure it completely powers down. Then find the nearest 43 foot hole and and toss the computer into it immediately."
"How the hell is that going to help?" Ikkaku exploded.
"Do you mind?" Uryu said, starting to loose his patience again. "Anyways, once that's done, fill up the hole with as many rocks and boulders as you can. Then, burn anything you might have worn any time you were online, just for good measure."
...
...
...
Silence.
...
...
...
More silence.
...
...
...
Ever more silence, louder this time.
"Are you serious?" Renji deadpanned incredulously.
"Does this look like a face that makes jokes?" Uryu pointed to his face, which showed about as much humor as a snowball has as much chance of staying frozen in hell. "If you don't believe me," he handed Renji a CD, "listen to track six. It'll explain everything."
And with that, he picked up his things and left.
After listening to the recommended track, Renji decided that yes; they should take the geek's advice and take the preventative measures.
Tomorrow.
Needless to say everyone forgot about the computer problems the next day, and the other cops never found out what happened.
Until...
WouLd yOu likE to TrY mY oBstIcle cOUrse? ThEre wiLl be cAkE at tHe enD.
Yumichika's cricket chirped.
Quincy's exercise wheel squeaked.
And then everyone screamed their f*%&ing heads off.
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Don't do it guys! The cake is a lie!
Well, Hal-9000 and GLaDOS, I certainly didn't see that coming. (I smell Cybershipping!)
Finally, the next chapter is that special surpirse I told you all about a while ago. Trust me, I think you'll enjoy it.
Oh, and I (half)lied last chapter. I plan on teasing out Renji's Shameful Secret throughout the story.