Alright, just to make surfergal23 happy, I'll update this tonight... (You're welcome :P)
Whoo, 4000-some words :D Another long emotional one headed your way. Maybe intense too… eh, I'll let you decide. Give me some feedback and let me know?
And one last thing…
R.I.P. my lovely godmother, who passed away in the last week, and I just heard about it today. I hadn't seen or talked to her in 10 years (maybe less, I don't really remember), but she was always so nice and sweet, and cared deeply for my family. She was cremated and there's not gonna be any service for her, so… might as well share my love somehow, right? Love you and miss you so much, Aunt M****!
(not sure if she'd want me to use her name online :) )
Alright, enough sadness- oh wait, this is a sad chapter you're about to read… Yeah, sorry for the damper on your mood that's sure to come. Forgive me?
Here's another "Bittersweet" preview for your liking! :D
"Daddy?"
I sat at the kitchen table at 10:00 PM, resting my head on hand, elbows on the table, piled up in paperwork. While being a doctor who performed tons of surgeries a day, I also had to make sure all my files were well kept and organized in my office. This was the worst part of my job. I had been sitting here since 7:00 doing this, and wasn't even a quarter of the way done.
I didn't even bother looking my son in the face.
"What?" I asked back with a bit of attitude in my voice. My reading glasses sat on the tip of my nose, as I rubbed my forehead, sensing a huge neck ache and migraine in the morning. Devin came over to me with a small piece of folded construction paper in his hand.
"This is for you," he said in a small little voice, holding out the construction paper to me. I sat back in my chair and sighed heavily, as I took the card from Devin. There was a big, messy yellow and orange sun on the front and it said "Daddy" in that same, generic, little Kid handwriting. I opened it up and inside, there was a white sheet of paper with a decorative border, heavily pasted on to the construction paper.
"Julien Elementary Father, Uncle, Grandpa, Special Person Day"
April 13th, 9 AM
Mrs. Cook's Pre-School Class, Room 106B
Bring your smiles!
I smiled at the invitation and then looked at Devin whose head was down, fidgeting his fingers in his Minnesota Wild pajamas. He looked almost nervous of me for a second.
"This is for me, bud?" I asked him with a small smile, my face lighting up. Devin looked up at me and nodded as I re-read the invitation smiling. This was in two weeks. I would have to take off of work tomorrow at the latest to let them know I wouldn't be here. I couldn't miss this.
I sighed and took off my glasses, reaching down and hoisting up Devin on my lap. I grunted as the small boy giggled and I messed up his hair.
"I would absolutely love to go, bud. Thanks for inviting me," I spoke softly, as he turned his face to me. His brown eyes seemed to light up with liveliness and he smiled that toothless smile.
"Really daddy?" he asked excitedly, as if he was sixteen and I'd told him he could have my car or something like that. I chuckled and nodded, kissing his forehead gently, taking in the scent of the shampoo that Camille had just bathed him with.
"Of course. I'll be there," I said to him with a raised eyebrow and a funny smirk. Devin giggled and I looked at the cover of the card and smiled.
"Who drew this sun? Because whoever did must be a really good artist," I joked with a deep voice. Devin giggled again and looked up at me with a smile.
"I drew it daddy!" he said gleefully. I pretended to act shocked at his revelation and I laughed.
"Woah. I never knew you were such a good artist, Devin. Can you draw me some more of those suns sometime?" I asked him, holding onto him tightly. Devin nodded and then looked up me with a serious face. I gave him an odd look and he furrowed his brow confused. Everything got quiet.
"Daddy, why are you never home anymore?" he asked me softly. I swallowed hard and looked at my son a bit floored. It was a question I had expected from Camille, but definitely not from my son. The mood in the room had just changed from loveable father and son, to sad son and failure father.
Aw, fatherly Logan is awesome! Actually, any BTR boy acting all fatherly is amazing. And surfergal23 portrays it very well in here. So, if you wanna see Kendall and Logan act all fatherly, go check this out. It's worth the read, I swear!
But first, read this, of course. Happy reading!
Disclaimer: Most (if not, all) of the characters mentioned in this story belong to Scott Fellows and Nickelodeon. All songs I mention belong to their rightful owners. All title rights go to ABC Family. I only own NJU and Jack's Diner.
WARNING: This chapter deals with rape-related topics. Uncomfortable? Don't read. :)
I'm not sure what's happening right now. It kind of feels like I'm dreaming, but I can't tell. I'm in my dorm, I know that much. The dark blue walls, my bed, Camille's bed, her bright colored comforter and Logan Mitchell poster on her side, our desks, the beanbag chair, it all looked familiar. I was staring up at the ceiling, and then a shirtless Jett got into the picture.
"No…" I tried to say, but nothing came out. I shook my head and tried to say it again, but again, nothing happened.
"What's the matter, baby?" Jett asked, his tone full of lust as his hand cupped my face. He smiled at me then. "It's alright to be scared, I won't do anything to you…" he said comfortingly before capturing my lips in a kiss. I tried using my arms to push him off of me, but it was no use. In fact, I felt much weaker than I usually was, making tears spring to my eyes. I suddenly felt a large, horrific wave of pain wash over my entire lower half. Wait, aren't you not supposed to feel pain in a dream? Guess that confirms that this isn't a dream. It's a nightmare, or hell, or something in between. I wanted to scream, but nothing came out of my mouth again. I wanted to get Jett off of me and run out of the room. I wanted to open the door and find Kendall on the other side. I wanted him to know everything that happened at prom and the following summer. I wanted it to stop.
It was happening all over again.
The setting around Jett started to fade, and it changed to the backseat of his old car, and I could hear a few drunken calls in the background. I was about to throw a tantrum, and actually heard my voice this time when I went to scream. Success! Someone would hear me and help me out this time, right? Nope. As always, I am wrong.
His rough hand cupped over my mouth. "Scream again, and little ol' Justin Timberlake back in Hollywood will never see or hear from the likes of you again!" he threatened, his previous gentle demeanor completely forgotten. Fucking wonderful.
I felt another sharp pain coarse through my body and I started trembling from the after effects of it. Jett chuckled darkly and my vision went black.
I opened my eyes once again to find another change in scenery. We were in Kendall's apartment. I recognized the off-white walls and pieces of furniture I had seen in the background when Kendall and I were on video chat. Only this time, I was standing up and was fully clothed, and Kendall was standing right in front of me. Yay, my Knight in shining armor. Literally and metaphorically. Some time had passed, I guessed, but it definitely wasn't a lot. Could have been a week or so. I felt myself smile widely as I looked up at him, only to have my face drop a second later. His eyes were glazed over in sadness and unshed tears, and were cast down to the ground. His arms were cross in front of his chest with a scowl on his face and thick furrowed eyebrows.
"H-How could you?" he asked me softly, catching my gaze again.
What the hell is going on now?
"I-I didn't do anything," I heard myself say, desperation in my voice as I spoke. No, don't tell me he thinks-
"You cheated on me," he declared, choking on a sob and his voice wavering.
"B-But it wasn't my f-fault," I stuttered, feeling more tears brim my eyes once again. This couldn't be happening.
Kendall laughed dryly and sarcastically. "I was on my computer and saw you and some other dude in bed on Skype!" he exclaimed bitterly.
"But it's not-"
"It's not what I think?" he cut me off, and let out another dry laugh as he stepped closer to me. Okay, now he's scaring me. "It's not what it looks like? Huh, is that what you're trying to tell me?" he asked, his voice laced with venom and fury. The look in his eyes had never scared me so much in my entire life.
"Kendall, p-please, you ha-have to believe m-me," I started sobbing, reaching out to grab his hands. When they wrapped around his wrists, they went right through his skin and bones, almost like I was a ghost or something.
He shook his head at me, disgusted. "Unbelievable," he huffed before turning and walking past me to the door of his apartment.
"Kendall," I called after him. He didn't respond. "Kendall, you have to listen to me!" I exclaimed, still earning no response after him. He opened the wooden door and started to walk out. I tried calling his name again, this time in hysterical sobs. "Kendall… Kendall!" Again, it was no use.
My legs felt weak and they started to give out on me. I kneeled to the ground and started crying uncontrollably. I buried my head in my arms and went to lie down on the floor. It was official, my whole life was falling apart. Jett had hurt me again, and Kendall didn't believe me when I tried to explain everything to him. The one time I decided to say something!
The scene changed one last time and I was back home in North Carolina in my bedroom. I was lying on my bed, hair fanned out and hanging over the side of my mattress as I looked up at my cell phone. Tears were falling from my eyes yet again as I stared at a text message from Camille. I don't remember exactly what it said, but it was accusing me of cheating on Kendall with Jett, I know that much. My phone vibrated again, and it was a similar message from Amber. Followed by one from Will. Then Natalie. Then Michelle. Then my dad (whoa, since when did he start texting). Then my mom. Then Camille again, and the same cycle repeated. What the hell – they were fucking with me the night all this shit happened! Will even said that he and a bunch of other guys were in the freaking room with me. They knew I'd never hurt Kendall like that.
Yup, now I've fully lost control of every aspect of my life.
I felt myself jolt up and into a sitting position milliseconds later. I was in a dark room this time. My dorm room. I was breathing heavily, and tears pricked at my eyes as I stuck out a hand and felt around me. I was back in my bed; I could feel that this time. My comforter was bunched up in a couple areas, but was still draped over my body for the most part. I started shaking again. What would happen to me now? Am I still dreaming? Is this real life?
I turned to my right and looked at the alarm clock. Monday, 4:21am. Yes, I'm not dreaming, it's all real. Sure, I barely slept for two hours, but honestly I don't think I could feel any happier right now.
I was taken back to the dorm around 1:45 earlier this morning, according to Camille, and once everything had calmed down, I fell asleep rather quickly just after two-thirty, along with Camille I supposed. It probably wasn't my smartest move, seeing as what my subconscious had just played out in front of me, but it had to happen at some point, right? I felt a sudden headache start to come on again.
I heard stirring and looked up from the clock, noticing Camille move to get up. "Jo?" she questioned groggily as she sat up in bed.
I swallowed before answering. "Y-Yeah?" I stuttered.
"Are you okay?" she asked, yawning. "I thought I heard you cry in your sleep or something…" she trailed off, now fully sitting up.
"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine," I answered with a fast nod, making my head throb worse. Everything around me started to spin a little. The light suddenly came on and I heard Camille's concerned voice again, which didn't make things any better. I even felt a wave of nausea come over me.
"Jo, are you okay?" she asked again, coming to sit on my bed.
I nodded again, slowly. "Yeah, I- I… I gotta go!" I said quickly, jumping out of the bed as I felt my stomach churn and bile start to rise up my throat. Camille called my name again, but I was already halfway down the hall on my way to the bathroom. No one was in there, luckily, and I rushed into the first stall and hunched over the toilet as I threw up. I felt sweat gather on the back of my neck and the tears that had formed earlier in my eyes start to fall down my face. That was weird, I haven't thrown up and cried since I was about eight, maybe even ten years old. I guessed it was a result of the dream and the alcohol I had consumed earlier all finally catching up to me.
Camille came into the stall behind me. I felt her hold my hair back as I continued puking my guts out. Literally. I felt like all of my internal organs were lying in the toilet right now. Gross, I know. I coughed up what was left in my stomach before flushing the toilet and collapsing on my knees onto the floor, sighing heavily. Camille stepped out of the stall, only to return a couple seconds later as she helped me up. "Here," she offered, handing me my toothbrush and a tube of toothpaste. I glanced behind her and realized she brought my entire shower caddy with her when she first came in.
"Thanks," I sighed, no emotion in my voice as I accepted the items in her hands. She gave me a sympathetic look and I moved towards the sink. I furiously started brushing my teeth, getting rid of any lingering taste of vomit in my mouth before I spit everything up and turned the faucet off. I took a second to look at myself in the mirror, not even recognizing myself anymore. My skin looked unbelievably whiter and paler than usual, like Edward Cullen pale. There were a couple faint purplish marks forming on either side of my face, too. I noticed dark bags beginning to form underneath my eyes, already droopy, and red and swollen from crying. Whether it was in my sleep for from getting sick, I wasn't so sure of. Even the deep brown color in them even looked a few shades lighter now.
I was happy Camille brought my stuff in here, because I still felt gross and felt the need to shower. But my head still hurt pretty badly, keeping me from doing much of anything I really wanted to do. I settled for washing my face before going back into my room and setting my stuff down where it previously was. I sat on the edge of my bed, taking a couple deep breaths to calm myself down before I heard Camille's voice again.
"Here," she said a second time that night, and I saw her hand in front of my face with a couple Advil tablets resting in it. "It'll help the hangover," she added weakly, a small yet kind smile on her lips when I looked up at her.
She dropped the pills in my hands and handed me a bottle of water. "I'm getting your phone. We're calling Kendall. He said to call whenever, right?" she asked me.
I shook my head. "Don't… recording session, early tomorrow," I got out, my voice weak and rather quiet. "H-He needs to sleep tonight…"
"You have to call him, Jo. I mean, look at you right now," she told me, sitting next to me. I ignored her and took the medication, my hands shaking slightly, as she looked on sympathetically. "You were even saying his name in your sleep once or twice, you need to talk to him," she insisted, touching my arm gently. "Or I'll call him again. Do you want that?" she threatened. The corners of my mouth turned up, but never made a full smirk, or even a smile. I still didn't say anything and kept my gaze on the floor. "I'm getting your phone," she suddenly announced, jumping off the bed and searching for my cell phone. I didn't fight her this time.
Before I knew it, she was sitting next to me on the bed again, shoving the phone to my ear again. I heard it ring, feeling thankful Camille wasn't speaking to him this time.
Midway through the second ring, Kendall picked up. "Jo?" he said worriedly.
"Hi," I heard myself say. "Did I wake you?" I asked, finally taking the phone from Camille's grasp and holding it myself, rubbing at my eyes.
"No," he answered easily, making a wave of guilt wash over me. "What time is it over there, anyway?" he asked.
I glanced at the clock while Camille moved off of my bed. "Around four-thirty," I answered, moving to lie down and wrapped the covers around my still shaking my body. Shouldn't that have subsided by now? I quickly did the math in my head. It was still really early in the morning where he was. "I'm so sorry," I apologized faintly, closing my eyes.
"Don't be," he replied back. "What's up? Why'd you call me?" he then asked me.
I sighed. "Thank Camille for that," I said looking up and catching her gaze. She smiled brightly and innocently at me before moving to the closet. Was she getting ready for the day this early in the morning? "I… I kinda had a rough night, and I had trouble sleeping, I just got really sick right now, and… I don't know, Camille thought that talking to you would make me feel better," I explained briefly.
"Well, is it?" he asked. I smiled at this, my body sinking into the mattress again.
"Yeah, a little," I answered faintly.
"Well I'm glad to hear," he said, earning a smirk to form on my lips. "Are you really okay, though? You sound sorta distraught and spacey over there. I feel like I should be worried now," he told me, his voice uneven.
"It's nothing, I promise," I responded. It wasn't nothing, though. I knew I'd have trouble sleeping for a long while after having that dream, or nightmare. No, it was worse than a nightmare. It needs its own category, that's how bad it was.
"Doesn't sound like nothing…" Kendall said, encouraging me to tell him what was up with me. Fat chance.
Then again, I wouldn't exactly be telling him about my past. He could think that it was just pure coincidence I had a dream like that. And it would relate to tonight. As far as he knows, my ex just came up here and started some shit back up. I could tell him. Plus, I could really use the reassurance from him. What could it hurt?
I sighed again. "You'll laugh," I told him, "or maybe even be mad that something this pointless is bothering me," I continued to argue. Think about it, it was a fucking dream, for crying out loud. Nothing bad is happening to me now, I shouldn't be freaked out.
"You're shaken you up, so now it's bothering me… and I have no idea what you're even thinking about," he said with a hint of laughter.
Tears welled up in my eyes again. Maybe I shouldn't tell him. I looked up and saw that Camille had stuck in the room, sitting on her bed as she listened to Kendall and I speak. Well, really me, but whatever. She nodded her head to egg me on, smiling for encouragement. "I-It's nothing really, it was just a dream. But it was just so real, and just…" I said nervously.
"Just what, Jo?" he questioned.
I closed my eyes. "Just… everything. Everything you said and did… it felt so real, a-and then Jett, and everything hurt so bad…" I went on, slowly opening my eyes. I doubt I'm even making sense right now, but I'm not one to care about that at a time like this.
"Jo, you're scaring me now," Kendall responded.
"Forget it, I barely remember it now, anyway. It's nothing," I repeated to him. Total lie. I remember every bit of it.
"You wanna tell me what you do remember?" he asked me.
I sniffled. "Are you alone?" I asked him softly, trying to delay my answer.
"Yeah, I'm alone," he answered back. "Carlos is asleep in his room, James and Logan are down the hall, there's no one here with me," he promised.
I sighed and nodded against my pillow. "I-It… it started back at my dorm, and my exboyfriend – that Jett guy I was talking about," I started, "H-He's the one who started everything tonight, and he was in the room with me, too, a-and h-he…" I trailed off, uneasiness in my tone.
Kendall could sense it. "Go on, it's okay," he urged me on.
I nodded again. "…He- He came on top of me, and we were in my bed, and…" I trailed off, taking a deep breath to calm myself down long enough to continue. "He started t-to hit me, and he didn't have any clothes on… and I felt the worst p-pain imaginable like, a second later…" I stopped again, hoping he was starting to get the picture. He didn't say anything back, wanting me to continue. "I tried calling for help, but nothing came out of my mouth, and nothing happened… A-And everything around me changed, and we were in yours and Carlos' apartment, I guess. You were there with me. Y-you said that I had cheated on you, and you wouldn't listen to a-anything I was saying when I defended myself," I said, already starting to lose it. "Y-You ended things with us, like right on the spot, and a-all of my friends and f-family wouldn't believe me e-either…" I sniffled and let a few tears fall as I ended my story. I unwillingly, let a sob escape my throat, feeling Camille sit next to me again and rub a hand up and down my back soothingly.
"Jo, it's okay," I heard Kendall say through the phone, sensing tears on his end as well. Crap, I really did not want that. And from the corner of my eye, I could even see Camille begin to tear up, too. Bad move, Jo, very bad move!
But I went on. "It was s-so real, K-Kendall," I told him again, voice still shaky. "Like, the- the text messages my friends sent me, a-all the stuff you s-said to me, the anger in your eyes…" I continued sadly, again trying to hold back a few sobs as I spoke.
"But none of it was real, Jo," he reminded me in a distraught voice. My doing. "You're okay, you're fine, and nothing between us has changed," he added.
"I kn-know," I said tearfully, picking my head up off the pillow. "I thought I lost e-everything and everyone I l-loved though, and n-no one w-would believe me, Kendall, no o-one," I continued with a shaky voice. "Please believe me, K-Kendall, I didn't w-want any of this to happen tonight…" I said, nearly going off in a fit of sobs again. I didn't care that I nearly told him what happened.
Kendall sighed over the phone. "Jo, listen to me for a second, okay?" he suggested. I already felt myself start to calm down. "Just breathe, relax for a minute…" I could hear his own voice wavering as he spoke. I nearly started to cry again hearing the desperation in his voice. I did as he suggested, taking deep breaths and wiping the tears from my face as I calmed myself down easily. "Everything is okay, Jo, alright? What did I just tell you – nothing is going to change the way I feel about you," he repeated himself.
I exhaled deeply. Yup, we'll see how that is when I actually tell you about Jett.
He spoke again. "I really wish I could be there with you…" Kendall went on, his tone still a little shaky. "You've never been this upset around me."
I sniffled. "See, I knew I shouldn't have said anything," I told him.
"What are you talking about? I'm glad you told me this," he argued.
"Yeah, b-but-"
"But nothing," Kendall butted in. Well. "Just… take a few deep breaths, okay? I hate hearing you cry like this," he said. I continued doing so for another moment, the line on Kendall's end quiet except for an occasional Good or something out of him before he started speaking again. "Alright, Jo… you know you can tell me anything, right?" he asked.
Oh God, I've been dreading what he was about to ask. I knew telling him was a bad idea, I knew it!
"Y-Yeah," I answered softly.
"Just answer this for me," he told me. I swallowed hard, expecting the worse. "You weren't… were you…" he trailed off and paused, obviously struggling. I swallowed hard, awaiting the dreaded question.
"Were you raped tonight?"
I felt tears come to my eyes again. "No," I answered truthfully, "I wasn't raped tonight." I was just hit and beaten into sex a few times by Jett two summers ago. And he tried to do it again tonight. No huge difference, right? "No, nothing that happened in the dream happened to me tonight… I have no idea what brought it on, anyway…" I continued, lying towards the end. I felt terrible.
"Than what did happen, Jo?" he asked carefully.
I closed my eyes and sighed. "Can we not talk about that right now?" I asked. "I really just want to try and go back to sleep right now. Heck, you even need it more than I do…" I said, hearing a light, relieved sounding laugh from Kendall's end.
"That doesn't sound like a bad idea," he responded, and I could hear a sniffle on his end. Yup, he was crying. I didn't know if I should have felt terrible about it (which I truly did), or feel happy that he cared about me that much. Regardless, I smiled a small smile before hearing Kendall's voice again. "But, I think I have something that'll make you feel a little better…" he said in a cheeky tone, and I could imagine the adorable smile on his face.
"What?" I asked, even hearing my own tone brighten up a little.
"Need me to sing you to sleep?" he asked with a soft voice and cheerful tone.
I nodded and smiled. Camille visibly relaxed when she saw me do that. "I'd love that," I answered.
Kendall chuckled again at my answer. "Any requests?"
"Surprise me," I replied airily, turning to my side and fully sinking into the pillows.
A moment later, his voice rang through the receiver.
"Say they let you down
"I've been there
"I have felt it too
"You are not alone
"Don't worry
"I'll never let them talk to you that way again
"You can stay in my arms
"Till the morning comes I'll sing this song for you
"Stay till the morning comes again
"You can stay in my arms
"Till the morning comes, until this storm is through
"Till the morning comes again, I'll be by your side
The smile on my face never faded away as Kendall serenaded me over the phone. I listened to every word that escaped left his mouth and fell into my ears. For once the entire night, I felt at peace with everything happening in my world, good and bad. Tomorrow (today, technically) would still be bad, and I'd get through it. I knew I would.
As Kendall finished, I was already half asleep. I felt Camille's hand gently remove my phone, and then I slipped back into unconsciousness and fell asleep soundly.
Eh, i sorta like this. If I could write it better, i'd like it more. Plus, I'm sure that my new favorite song is in here. Thanks to waterwicca for recommending it to me:
"Stay (In My Arms)" - Nevertheless
But, I almost used an amazing song she has used in PTS, and is featured in surfergal23's oneshot series Memories Of A Lifetime, called "Your Guardian Angel" - The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. Check out both songs, they're so amazing :D
Oh, and fanfiction has been acting really weird and wonky (yes, i said wonky) the past few days, so if you haven't read or reviewed Chapter 19 yet, I'd reeeaaally appreciate it if you did, and left a review. I only have a few up so far, and i'll blame that on the site's problems, but if you wouldn't mind doing so, I'll bake virtual cookies and pass them out to every one of you :D And believe me, i make the best peanut butter cookies around, so look forward to those if you do review, haha!
PEACE!
-Megs