A.N: As usually, thanks a lot for your awesome support. As you may know, I always reply every single review I get and I'm deeply sorry I couldn't do it last week for the last chapter. School had me crazy, and I really wanted to reply to you all, since I feel that, if you take the time to read what I write, and even more for commenting something about it, the least I could do is to reply.
I'm really sorry I could reply last week, but it's never happening again!
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Day 183
As if Kurt didn't have a hard week already, stuff keeps on happening to make him worry. He's sure that he's going to grow grey hair at some point. It's been a week since Mrs. Puckerman caught them together and while nothing particularly changed, it's hard to forget that it's not just the two of them anymore.
Kurt asks Puck everyday if things with his mother are alright, and Puck always says they are fine. Puck was even allowed to spend the night at his place last Wednesday and Kurt hasn't visited Puck's family again, basically because they don't have an alibi so far since Mr. Schuester suspended the candy selling, so there's no need for them to keep track of the selling any longer.
Yet, Kurt's dad is worrying him.
Not his father per se, but the fact that his father doesn't know about him and Puck. If it was up to Kurt, he would have never considered telling his father about his relationship with Puck.
But that changed the day that Mrs. Puckerman found out about them.
Having to lie so much to his father didn't bother Kurt before, but now he believes it's not okay anymore. It's just not okay that Puck's mom knows about them while Kurt's dad doesn't. It was different having to keep the secret before, since they kept the secret from everyone/i, with no discriminations. Friends, family, it didn't matter; no one had to know about them. But now it really feels like he's keeping the secret from his father in particular, and the guilt starts growing heavier on Kurt's shoulders.
He's aware that Mrs. Puckerman and his dad aren't the same case. If Kurt tells his father, he will be completely mad at him and probably wouldn't keep the secret for them, and then Finn would find out, and then Rachel and then…
But that doesn't concern Kurt right now. Instead, it's his boyfriend whom Kurt's concerned about.
Two days ago, Puck asked him to do his best to get some free time on Saturday because Puck had a special surprise/i for him.
No matter how much Kurt tried to get more information out of Puck, his boyfriend never said another word and Kurt is not being impatient, waiting for his so-called 'special surprise'. Kurt is going insane because he hates surprises, and knowing Puck, Kurt can't even imagine what is that Puck defines as 'special' or 'surprise'.
Hasn't Kurt enough to worry about these last few days? Why is Puck doing this to him?
The little that Puck told him is that he doesn't need to wear any particular clothes–Kurt really asked if he needed a dress code–saying that he's always hot no matter what he wears and Kurt wasn't sure if the point of… the place Puck is taking him is to look hot.
There's no way Puck is going to take him to some club, right? They are both underage and it's early Saturday.
Since Puck told him that it didn't matter at what time Kurt picked him up–which only makes Kurt grow more suspicious–he has lunch with his family and announces that he's going to the mall after doing the dishes.
"Please, Kurt," his dad tells him, with a pleading gaze. "Behave with the credit card."
Kurt rolls his eyes. "I will dad, I promise."
Kurt didn't want to abuse the excuse of his imaginary friend: the one he tutors for Math and shares the love for musicals with. Everyone knows that Kurt can spend hours at the mall, and not knowing where Puck is taking him and how long they are going to be… doing... whatever it is that they'll be doing… if they'll be doing something, the mall is a safe alibi.
And what his family doesn't know is that he went to the mall with Mercedes yesterday after school and he's already bought a couple of items. The shopping bags are still in the car, so today when he returns to his place, holding a bunch of shopping bags, no one is going to suspect that he's been with his boyfriend and not in the mall as he said.
Kurt loves to be ready for everything, thinking about the smallest detail and covering every possible situation that could go wrong. So when he gets in his car to drive to Puck's house, he grows uneasy again. He's not comfortable about not knowing: not knowing where he's going, what's going to happen, and how whatever is going to happen is going to affect him.
What's even more suspicious is the weird chipper mood that Puck's in when he gets in the car. He's carrying his backpack and Kurt gives him a questioning look. It's clear that Puck is in very good spirits and Kurt is not sure if that's something good or bad.
"So where should I drive to?" Kurt asks, since he has no clue where they're going.
"Towards school," Puck announces and Kurt frowns.
"We're going to school? It's Saturday, Puck."
Puck rolls his eyes. "I know that, I'm not stupid. But my surprise is half way to school."
This is getting even more cryptic, but Kurt sighs and starts driving in the direction that Puck has just given to him. He knows that Puck is not going to say a word, and honestly, the sooner Kurt gets to find out whatever it is that Puck has prepared for him, the sooner he'll be able to get rid of this uncomfortable uncertainty.
"Seriously, Puck. What is this?" Kurt inquires, not being able to deal with this for much longer.
Puck sighs contently. "My ma' has been asking questions, you know? About us."
Kurt quirks an eyebrow as he blushes furiously. "Really? Why didn't you tell me? I asked you every day if everything was alright with her."
"'Cos everything's fine," Puck informs him, making him frown. "It's embarrassing stuff, and I can tell she's as curious as she's uncomfortable, but mostly it's stuff like how long we've been together, and where did I take you for our first date, and shit like that."
This is getting all kinds of weird. "And what did you tell her? You never took me on a date. And I really don't want you to," Kurt adds, just in case Puck has planned to take him to some cheap restaurant where everyone will see them together.
Puck snorts, scandalized. "I try not to tell her anything. I mean, it's freaking weird, Kurt! No dude likes to talk about their dates with their mothers!"
Kurt nods, understanding. He'd actually love to talk with, in his case, Carole about where his boyfriend takes him on dates. He wouldn't like to tell her about Puck though, not only because they are Top Secret, but also because… he doesn't want to share his relationship with Puck with everyone. Maybe they are not perfect, but they are perfect to Kurt and Kurt only wants to keep it to himself.
"And what does that has to do with this?" Kurt asks, motioning to the empty road they are driving on.
"She keeps bugging me about how I have to treat you good, as if I don't already," Puck states, almost pissed, and Kurt blushes even harder. It's really embarrassing how concerned Mrs. Puckerman is about her son's manners with him. "But she was all, 'he's a sensitive boy, you have to be nice, and blah blah,' but maybe she has a point, right?"
Oh, Dear Gaga, where is this going? Kurt feels like he's going to explode in uncertainty and not in a good way. This uncertainty is nothing like what you feel when you're about to open a big sized present from under your Christmas tree. This feels more like Kurt has to pick one of three suit cases, knowing that inside one there's a bomb ready to explode, blowing him up into a billion pieces.
"A point? How so? Puck, you don't have to do anything for me, alright?" Kurt assures him, hoping that maybe Puck will understand that and they can turn around and… go somewhere else… far from wherever they're going. "You're nice to me already."
"I know that, babe," Puck replies with a self-sufficient tone of voice. "I'm awesome to you, we both know that."
At some other time, Kurt would have fought with Puck's ego, but right now, he actually has to feed it. Clearly Puck's doing this to prove something that Kurt doesn't want him to prove. What if Puck decides to serenade him somewhere in front of a lot of people? Or if he by any means wrote some message in the sky for him, paying those little planes to do it? Kurt adores those kinds of gestures, but he doesn't want them from Puck.
And what if Puck takes him to some kind of weird carnival to play strength games to show how much of a stud he is, in addition winning a huge teddy bear for him? Puck knows that Kurt hates those tacky things, right?
Sweet Dolce, Kurt needs Puck to change his mind.
"Of course you're awesome to me, Puck," Kurt tells him, sweetly. "No one has ever been as incredible as you are with me, and I'm sure that no one else ever will be."
Puck turns to him, giving him a smug grin. "I know that. It's so great to be me."
Okay, that's good. "Just know that I don't need any special surprises. You are more than enough," Kurt assures him, nodding at his own words. "I don't need anything else."
Puck shrugs. "I'm the greatest catch, we know that. But you're kind of a guy who likes romance and all that shit. I mean, how many times have you made me watch An Affair to Remember with you? A billion! And every time you weeped while watching it!"
Kurt gapes at his boyfriend. "We only watched it three times, and that's the most touching romantic movie in the history of romantic movies! Just because you have a piece of coal instead of your heart, it doesn't mean it's any less touching! And for the love of Gucci, do I need to remember that you cried during Transformers?"
Are they really having this argument? Kurt can't believe it. He's fuming! He could smack Puck in the head right now, because he has never felt this insulted in his whole life.
"Hey, it was Optimus Prime!"
"Oh, please…"
"But- but, that's exactly my point! I'm the kind of dude who weeps with Rocky or Gladiator, but you like the romance stuff."
"What the hell does that have to do with anything?" Kurt inquires as his patience grows thin.
"That if I want to be the greatest boyfriend ever, I have to give you all the shit you want," Puck explains coolly, and Kurt glances at him. "And you're a romance guy, and I'm Noah 'Puck' Puckerman; I can do all."
This is not funny anymore. "Puck, where are you taking me?"
Puck frowns. "Dude, why the worry face? You're gonna love this!"
"If you want to give me all the shit I want, as you eloquently and elegantly said, you should start by not calling me 'dude.'"
Puck rolls his eyes. "Sorry. But hey, pull over here," he says quickly, pointing at the side of the deserted road. "Leave the lights on so if someone passes they won't think that the car is broken or something."
Kurt does what Puck says, sending him questioning glances, but Puck says nothing else. Instead, when Kurt has his car parked on the side of the road, Puck gets out with his backpack and Kurt follows him, staring at his surroundings completely puzzled.
Puck starts walking towards the tall pastures on the side of the road, motioning for Kurt to follow him, and Kurt doesn't know what to think anymore. He follows Puck, and on top of everything, he's ruining his shoes by walking on dirt. He really wants to punch his boyfriend right now.
Puck walks on the vegetation not several feet away from the road until he suddenly stops and turns to face Kurt. Puck is smiling, but Kurt isn't.
"What is this, Puck? We're standing in the middle of an empty field, next to an empty road," Kurt states, not amused in the slightest.
"You're the kind of guy who surely loves stuff like anniversaries and shit like that so, ta-da!" Puck announces, extending his arms. "Happy anniversary, babe!"
Okay, this is getting all kinds of bizarre and Kurt doesn't understand what the hell is going on.
"Anniversary? Of what? We haven't done anything together for over a year to have an anniversary together."
Puck chuckles. "You and your grammar," he says, almost offended and Kurt's the one who's ruining his shoes for no reason, so Puck has nothing to be offended about. "What's the word for months anniversary?"
Kurt quirks an eyebrow. "Mensiversary," he informs his boyfriend. "But people hardly know that word, so they use month-anniversary instead." Still, that doesn't answer his question. While they have never celebrated any month-anniversary, Kurt does remember the dates and it's not the month-anniversary of the first time they kissed, or of when they became boyfriends.
Puck steps closer to Kurt, holding him in his arms, and Kurt looks to his sides, just to be sure that no one's around.
"No one's gonna see us," Puck tells him. "We're far enough from the road and the grass is tall in here."
"Puck, for the last time, what is this?"
Puck grins again. "Well, I don't remember dates but my mom was showing to me some files that the attorney left for her, and well, happy four-month anniversary, babe," Puck says happily, placing a soft kiss on Kurt's lips.
Kurt frowns but kisses back and it's not until they break the kiss that Kurt is able to ask, "Four-month anniversary of what?"
"The car crash!" Puck says, sounding excited about it, but Kurt's blood freezes.
"What?"
"Today, it's been four months since the car crash," Puck informs him with his good-humored voice.
Kurt blinks, trying to formulate a coherent thought. "What?" he asks again, unable to step out of his stupefied state.
"Right here, it's where we crashed, or well, where your car ended up," Puck explains hurriedly. "So I thought, 'Awesome! We can celebrate!' and couples tend to go on picnics and stuff like that, so I brought some cans of coke and chips and-"
"Are you out of your mind?"
Puck looks to his sides, clearly not getting what's wrong in here. "What? Man, look! There's a piece of your old SUV's headlights!" he says excitedly, bending over and picking a piece of colored glass from the ground, and staring at it as if it is the most interesting thing in the world.
"That's not something to celebrate, Puck!" Kurt barks at him, feeling utterly upset. "You bring me here… we almost died here! You/i almost died here!"
Puck stares at him, as if he's still not getting what's wrong. "But we didn't. It was a big day in our lives, Kurt. And it's also a month-anniversary I can celebrate with you and be.. romantic/i or something!"
"This is not romantic, Puck! I'm standing in the place where we almost got killed four months ago! Right here, I had to crawl out of my destroyed and upside-down car, leaving you inside completely covered in blood, just as I was! I thought you were dead!"
Kurt's chest starts constricting. He doesn't want to be here. In fact, he had completely erased the day of the accident from his memory and had stopped dreaming about it ever since his bruises faded.
It was the most traumatizing day of his life; how can Puck consider this romantic?
"I'm sorry," Puck mumbles, apologetically. "I thought that for you… it doesn't matter. This was stupid. C'mon, let's go," Puck says and extends his hand for Kurt.
Kurt does feel guilty for blowing up Puck's surprise, since it's obvious that Puck really gave this a lot of thought, but it's incredibly upsetting to be here.
Kurt takes Puck's hand and follows him back to the car. They walk in silence, and as they leave behind the place where his old car ended up after the collision, Kurt starts relaxing a little.
But things get weird again, or at least to Kurt, when they reach his car. Puck continues saying nothing but he stills right in front of Kurt's SUV, watching his surroundings. For a second, Kurt believes he's only trying to see if there's someone around in order to make a move on him, and the road is deserted but Puck never approaches him.
"Are you alright?" Kurt asks quietly and Puck only stares at their intertwined hands.
"Déjà vu," Puck mutters, letting go of Kurt's hand and getting into the car.
Kurt is already familiarized with these sudden mood changes in Puck though. This is exactly the way Puck used to behave when he was remembering things from his comatose state. It's been so long since the last time Puck acted this way that Kurt has completely forgotten about it.
He gets in the car, giving a wary look to his boyfriend, who looks clearly upset. "I'm sorry, Puck. I know you were trying to be nice but I just couldn't be there."
Puck gives him a small sad smile. "It's fine. Not your fault I'm an idiot."
"You're not an idiot, Puck. And even though it didn't turn out well, I really appreciate what you were trying to do," he says, being honest, and Puck sighs. "Want me to stay with you at your place? They think I'm at the mall, so I have plenty of time to kill," Kurt suggests, trying to cheer him up.
"We won't be able to fuck," Puck says bluntly and looking regretful. "But that would be cool."
On their way to Puck's house, Puck texts his mother to let her know they are going home together. Kurt's not thrilled about the idea of being together at Puck's place, but it's the only place they can stay for a couple hours without the fear of getting caught, sadly.
Much to their luck, Mrs. Puckerman took Sarah to the mall–what a small place the world is, Kurt thinks–and they'll be back home in a little while.
When they get to Puck's home, they go straight upstairs. Puck's chipper mood has changed radically and now he's very quiet, something that Kurt doesn't like much. Puck is usually quiet and grumpy at school and with other people generally, but not with him, and Kurt really hopes this is not because he didn't like the idea of celebrating the day they almost got killed.
"Wanna have a drink? I still have some diet Coke cans for you in my backpack," Puck tells him, opening his bag and taking one out for him.
"Thank you," Kurt replies, holding the drink and offering his boyfriend a smile. He doesn't want Puck to think he's still mad, even if he still thinks that his idea of a romantic date was terrible.
"I'll go to the bathroom. You put something on the TV, okay?"
Kurt nods and Puck leaves.
He looks around Puck's room, trying to find the remote, but he can't spot it anywhere so he approaches to the TV and turns it on himself. Yet when he sits down on Puck's bed he realizes that he really wants that remote. He keeps on glancing around the room in order to spot it somewhere, and when he places his drink on Puck's nightstand, he decides to open the drawer.
"Yay," he mutters to himself, having achieved in finding the remote right there, and when he picks it up, he finds the strip of photos they took together that morning at the mall.
His heart grows warm instantly. Kurt never expected Puck to keep that picture; maybe Puck would do it now that they are boyfriends, but not back then, being that they were hardly friends. But the picture is there, right next to Puck's bed, and it's impossible for Kurt not to feel happy about it.
But when he leans over to take the pictures in his hands, his gaze lies upon another object inside the drawer and his smile drops.
He takes the picture and the yellow bottle of pills that's there. Kurt's completely against nosy boyfriends and girlfriends that check on their partners' Facebooks, cellphones, email accounts and drawers/i, but he can't help it.
Is Puck taking pills? Did he steal someone else's pills? Is Puck sick?
He grows only more concerned when he reads the label and finds out that the pills are Valium and that they are actually prescribed to his boyfriend.
At that very same moment, Puck walks into the room and Kurt asks straightforwardly, "Why are you taking Valium?"
This can't be any good.
Puck frowns, stepping closer to him and taking the bottle of pills and/i their picture. He gives a long stare at the objects he's holding and snorts.
"This is a freaking weird day," Puck says and that doesn't answer Kurt's question in the slightest.
"Why are you taking Valium? It's not healthy, Puck. You're a minor; this is a dangerous drug-"
"My shrink prescribed it when I was at hospital," Puck tells him, not looking too worried about it. "After, you know, getting beaten at juvie. I was quite fucked, so… my mom had to sign papers to allow the shrink to give them to me."
Kurt never noticed until now that there's a lot about his boyfriend that he doesn't know. He never asked him about his bad days at juvie and at the hospital, and so many other things.
"I'm sorry," is all that Kurt can say.
Puck continues staring at the bottle of pills. "I never actually popped a single pill, you know?" Kurt frowns, since it sounds like Puck is surprised by that. "Look, the seal is in one piece," he says, showing it to him.
"You… didn't know you haven't taken the pills?" Kurt asks quietly, slightly confused.
"I thought I did."
Alright, now Kurt is absolutely confused.
But Puck puts the pills and their picture back inside the drawer, motioning Kurt to scoot over. Puck takes off his shoes and throws himself onto his bed, giving Kurt an impatient glance. Kurt sighs and starts taking off his shoes as Puck starts channel-surfing.
Being free of shoes, Kurt snuggles comfortably next to Puck, resting his head on his boyfriend shoulder as Puck wraps an arm around his back, pressing Kurt closer to him.
Puck puts the Fashion Channel on and a pang of guilt hits Kurt in the stomach; Puck is obviously trying to make up for the awful date, letting Kurt watch what he likes best without putting on any tantrum.
"We didn't play Rock-Paper-Scissors," Kurt points out casually, even if he really wants to watch Dolce and Gabbana's fashion show presenting their new spring-summer collection.
"It doesn't matter; you like this best."
"But you don't," Kurt says and Puck shrugs. Kurt looks up at his boyfriend, placing a kiss on his cheek. "You don't have to do stuff to make me happy," he tells Puck truthfully. "You already do."
Puck nods, with his eyes fixed on the TV, and while Kurt could focus on the fashion show and wait until Puck's bitter mood is over, this is not the ordinary moody Puck. Usually when Puck is in a bad mood Kurt leaves him alone, not pushing the subject since they end up fighting over anything, and Puck is usually never in a bad mood because of Kurt. So Kurt keeps his mouth shut, focusing on something else other than Puck, and eventually Puck comes around.
But Kurt is not sure what it is that is upsetting Puck this time because even though they haven't been together for even an hour, several things happened already. They had an awful romantic moment, and while Kurt could believe that him being upset with the date is something that hurt Puck's ego, Puck is not defensive at all, as he usually is when his ego is hurt. As if it that wasn't enough, Puck had a déjà vu/i moment,right at the place they had the accident, and in addition, Kurt finds Valium/i inside Puck's drawer and Puck acts even weirder.
Our second mensiversary was the day before yesterday, so you know, Puckerman,/i Kurt thinks to himself and decides he's going to be the nosy boyfriend for the first time. After all, they've officially been boyfriends for two months and even if Kurt hates boyfriends and girlfriends who asks over and over what's wrong with their partners when their partners don't want to tell, that's exactly what Kurt is going to do.
Things change radically from when you dream about having a boyfriend to when you actually have one. In the past, Kurt considered that being a nosy boyfriend was a sign of caring; but now, Kurt believes that if he were upset and didn't want to tell Puck about it, it would be utterly annoying to have Puck asking him over and over what's wrong with him, probably even poking him in the shoulder.
Kurt takes the remote from Puck's hands and turns the TV off.
"Hey, you were watching that," Puck complains, but Kurt's going to have none of that.
He moves away from Puck, sitting on the bed to be able to be face-to-face. "Okay, talk to me. I want to know what's wrong with you."
"Nothing's wrong with me," Puck mumbles and Kurt rolls his eyes.
"Are you upset because of the date? Or because of your déjà vu? Or was it the pills? I'm seriously concerned, Puck. When you are upset, you usually start cursing and being completely rude, and now you're nothing but silent and it's creeping me out," Kurt explains, as calmly as he can.
He doesn't want to upset Puck even more, but he still wants to know.
Puck shrugs, being clearly awkward about this, and a chill runs all the way up Kurt's spine. Kurt is totally starting a deep/i conversation here, and he can only remember how uncomfortable he felt by Puck's awkwardness.
"It's just a weird day," Puck says quietly.
"Because it's the anniversary of the car crash?"
"Yeah, I mean, it's not like I ever forget that happened since I have a kick-ass scar on my head to remind me of it every day, but then I remembered of…"
Puck trails off and Kurt quirks an eyebrow. "Of?"
Puck sighs. "Of how it felt/i."
Kurt presses his lips together, nodding quietly at Puck's words. This is going to be all kinds of awkward, but his boyfriend is upset and if Puck tries to make him feel better in all kinds of sexy, crude and sometimes even sweet/i ways, Kurt has to make Puck feel better when he's upset.
Yet, Kurt feels he's walking blindfolded. He can't remember Puck feeling upset like this; if Puck has ever felt wretched, he never let Kurt know, so this is the first time that Kurt actually has to fix him.
Kurt takes a deep breath. "How it felt what?"
Puck opens his mouth and then closes it, making Kurt grow suspicious. "Nothing, Kurt. I'm fine."
"Puck, I really want to know. I don't want to demand an explanation from you, or force you to tell me something you don't want to tell me," Kurt says, holding Puck's hand, "but I know that something's bothering you and I care about you so I can't help being worried."
Puck gives Kurt a long stare and then he rolls his eyes, annoyed. "It was a freaking great day," he spits out, sitting on the mattress as well. "It changed our lives forever, I just thought you'd be as thrilled as I am."
Kurt narrows his eyes, trying to read between the lines. "Almost getting killed didn't change me, Puck," he says, and slowly he starts growing curious, knowing that there's definitely something hidden here. "What did it change in you?"
Kurt is sure that he nailed it when there's a very subtle twitch in Puck's face, almost a frown that never happens. Also, Puck is not replying right away.
"Why do you think it changed me?" Puck asks, defensively.
"Because you just said so? And I know something changed within you."
Puck crosses his arms over his chest. "Yeah, how so?"
Dear Gaga, Kurt has never forgotten about this. "For starters, you started calling me by my name, right after waking up from the coma. You never did that before the accident."
"Pfth! That's bullshit!"
Kurt snorts. "I was there when you woke up, and believe me, I heard you. In fact, I couldn't stop thinking about that for weeks."
Puck glances at him for several seconds, obviously having been caught. Too bad for Puck, Kurt really wants to know; he wants to know about everything.
"That's just stupid."
"What happened while you were in the coma?" Kurt asks straightforwardly. "I never asked you; I never wanted to invade your privacy, but newsflash, Puckerman, I'm your boyfriend and I know that, whatever it was that happened, those dreams you used to have, they involved me somehow."
"I don't want to tell you any shit," Puck grits out.
Why is it so damn hard for Puck to talk to him? He is driving Kurt nuts. "Don't you trust me?"
"I do! It's just…" Puck trails off again, "You're gonna think I'm crazy."
Kurt presses his hand against his temple, fighting what's going to become a major headache. "Puck, you never miss an episode of Jerseylicious. I already think you're crazy."
Puck snaps his eyes open, scandalized. "How do you know about that? That's… my biggest secret!"
Kurt stares at him, unimpressed. "Do you ever forget who you're dating? You always turn the TV on to watch the re-runs when you think I'm sleeping, and I'm a spy the same way you are. I wake up to noises at night when we're together."
If Puck had the ability to blush, something that Kurt believes his boyfriend lacks, Puck would be blushing.
"Well, thanks for playing stupid instead of laughing in my face," Puck mumbles, obviously feeling stupid. "But hey! It's a great show! Badass chicks, Kurt! And catfights! The other day, Tracy actually spat in Olivia's face and the major cat-"
Kurt twitches his face in utterly disgust. "Ew, Puck! Don't try to sell it to me. It's a bunch of girls with no manners, who believe that wearing colored animal print along with big hair is totally in. I'll keep on pretending to be asleep while you watch it, but that's not like watching sports. That show makes my eyes hurt every time I see those women's outfits, and let's not even talk about their makeup."
He realizes that they are completely straying from the point. It's obvious that both of them know that they are getting into a tricky subject.
"But Kurt-"
"It doesn't matter, alright? I won't watch Jerseylicious and I won't think you're crazy either, Puck," Kurt assures him, trying to put their conversation back on the right track. "What happened while you were on a coma? I know you had dreams, I remember. I also know that somehow your memory retained everything I said to you."
Kurt can feel his chest constricting in anticipation; Puck looks like he's contemplating what to say and Kurt has been wondering since forever, since the first voicemail that Puck left for him, thinking he was dead because of the weird dream about his black coat… Kurt always knew it was a touchy subject for Puck, and being that Puck seemed to be over it, there was no point in bringing up, to their almost perfect present, a piece of their sad past.
But now it's different. Kurt gets to know now.
Puck lets out a deep sigh. "Whatever. I had dreams, okay? Weird ones."
"Weird how?"
"Like, Inception dreams. A dream inside a dream?" Puck explains, and it does sound weird to Kurt ears but he keeps his mouth shut. "But to me, it was pretty much the real thing. It was like, my life went on and every day when I went to bed, I dreamed about you."
Should Kurt find that… sweet? Creepy? Both? Kurt is aware that Puck looks odd when he's being sweet.
But Kurt tries to put two and two together: the little he knew about this in the past and what Puck is telling him now. "Wasn't I dead for you?"
Puck snorts. "You were. The first thing I remember was your funeral," he says, and Kurt recalls that. "Like, last thing I remembered was the red car coming towards us and then BAM! We're burying you. I couldn't understand what the fuck was going on! But I figured you got killed in the accident."
This is confusing Kurt a little. "I thought I was... dead? If I died right away, how come you dreamed about me?"
"'Cos you were! Your dead self showed up in my dreams. Like, the dreams I had inside this long dream."
Kurt nods, almost understanding. "Alright."
"So I was super upset but it wasn't that bad; I was just shocked. So that first day, I came back home and I popped a Valium to chill and I fell asleep and you were there! And I was so damn happy to see you back but then I realized that that was a dream/i and I got all bummed again. But in that dream you told me about the vinyl and where to find it, and I thought… you were alive somewhere and that was a way to prove to others that we were… communicating or something."
Okay, that definitely sounds crazy. He didn't expect Puck to remember what he had said so literally, but he clearly did. After all, Puck found the vinyl that Kurt hid so well weeks before the accident.
"And then?"
"And then nothing. I kept waking up in a damn shitty life, but when I went to sleep you were back in the dreams," Puck tells him, sounding upset but Kurt has no time to say anything. "Being awake was a freaking torture. Everyone was a bitch to me, blaming me for you death, and I sent them to hell."
Kurt slowly starts getting what Puck is explaining but it still doesn't clarify what it was that changed Puck.
"But what made you change? About me?"
Puck sighs again, sounding defeated. "People sucked, Kurt," he says, scratching the back of his neck and Kurt starts feeling uncomfortable. "Everything I dreamed about you was real, since… well, I remember everything you told me and that happened for real. So in those dreams, what was my reality completely sucked and I was all alone, people hated me, and I was pissed and upset all the time…"
Puck fidgets in his spot, looking away, and it's almost painful to see him like this. For a brief moment, Kurt wants to tell him not to say anything else. He wishes it wasn't so hard for Puck to speak his mind about these kinds of things, but it is. Kurt feels uncomfortable because of Puck's uncomfortable self; his boyfriend is always so confident, so proud of himself, that when he's being exposed, it obviously kills him, and in the process, it kills Kurt.
"The best part of my days was sleeping," Puck admits, not meeting Kurt's eyes. "'Cos you were there and you didn't hate me. It always started the same; I noticed your hand in mine, I smelled your perfume…and we were cool. I was, for once… okay."
"And you… grew attached to me?" Kurt inquires, trying to see if he's getting where Puck wants to go with this.
Puck lets out a sad laugh. "Very. I thought I was going crazy but I didn't mind. I started popping pills constantly just to fall asleep to see you again. I thought I emptied the whole bottle of pills but we've just seen I never took a single one of them."
Wow. Kurt has never thought that coma states could be so complex; he has read that some people have strange experiences in moments when your life is severely threatened, but he never imagined something like what Puck is telling him.
"I always thought that coma states were… a dark place, where you were lost or lonely, or something," Kurt says quietly. "That's why I always spoke to you."
Puck snorts. "It was. Or at least that how I felt all the time except when you were there. And then I realized that it was a bitch that you were dead, since you were kind of awesome with me, and also that back then, you were the only one who gave a damn about me. I never realized that until you died; like before, you were just a cool dude but you were more than that. I didn't have you anymore and I wanted you back, but I couldn't have you, so I knocked myself unconscious with pills to get you."
Kurt swallows hard.
This is getting him. He's never really been dead, but he can't help being surprised by how badly Puck was affected by his supposed death; back then, they were hardly friends. They were something very different from what they are now.
"When you woke up," Kurt speaks with a quivering voice; the memories of that day feel completely fresh right now. "You moved. I- I kissed you, and you moved your lips," he blushes as he says this, as his throat grows narrower with every second. "I was… so happy! You moved, so I thought you were going to be fine and I tried to go for a nurse but you squeezed my hand. It was soft, probably because you were weak, and I told you I was there with you, like… to let you know that you weren't alone, and you said… you said I was never there when you woke up."
Kurt looks up and Puck is giving him a sad gaze. Puck moves closer to him, holding him in his arms and kissing him on his cheek. "Don't cry. I'm sorry, okay? Let's not talk about this. I don't like to see you crying."
It's not until Kurt lets out a sob that he didn't realize he was holding, that he realizes that he was crying.
"Why did you even say that?" Kurt asks, wiping the tears from his eyes but letting himself melt into Puck's arms. This conversation just turned to be very wearing for Kurt.
"It doesn't matter."
"I want to know!"
Even if Kurt is not staring at Puck's face, he can sense his eyes rolling. "That was the last dreamed I had, 'cos well, I woke up for real. But you said a bunch of shit that upset me, Kurt."
Kurt frowns. "What did I say?"
"That, if I woke up you'd be gone forever, and that you'll never be around me anymore. You actually promised that and I freaked! You were going to leave me all alone."
Kurt remembers that last day at the hospital. He can't believe it. When he promised that, it wasn't even with that intention. He only wanted to stay away from Puck in order not to give him any problems. He never thought Puck was going… to be listening to him as to grow so upset by those words.
"How is that even possible? How on earth could you have been listening to what I was saying so intently? It doesn't make sense! And I was talking about your coma," Kurt tells him, feeling frustrated. "I thought-"
"I know, Kurt. But I didn't know I was in a coma. To me, it was just another dream, and after waking up, you'd never be in my dreams again and I'd be alone and miserable forever. Then I remembered that you loved me and stuff, so I thought, why not? I could do you. I know, weird, since it was a dream, but you wanted me so I could kiss you and stuff, and maybe you'd change your mind."
Is this for real? Kurt completely stills, wrapped in Puck's arms, processing what Puck just said. This sounds like they've just entered the Twilight Zone.
Kurt looks up, his gaze meeting Puck's. "That's exactly what you did in real life," he states, completely astonished.
Puck looks confused for a second, but then he smirks. "Totally. I knew I had a way get you back; I had planned it before you started ditching me!"
"Don't act like it's something to be happy about! You tried to bribe me, and my dead self in your dreams, with kisses!"
Puck's face falls. "You don't know what it was like, okay? I was desperate, man! I couldn't just lose you! You were everything I had, and it was super lame 'cos you were a dream, but still. And real life? Bullshit, Kurt. It was even worse."
For some reason, Kurt stops feeling awkward. It's probably because he got Puck mad, and an angry Puck is something that Kurt knows how to handle much better than an uncomfortable Puck.
"Yeah? Why? You did exactly the same thing you tried to do in your dreams!"
"It felt worse! I couldn't remember shit about those dreams at first, but you weren't there and it was like I still felt this… pang of sadness all the time, the same one I felt while you were dead. It drove me insane, 'cos okay, I knew you were very much alive, but you ditched me and it was like I going through your death all over again! And I wasn't going to go through all that again!"
Kurt blinks, doing his best to understand Puck. Did Puck's feelings from his coma resurface in his reality after he had woken up? How much of what was from his dreams had he mistaken for reality?
Yet, Kurt has to admit that between Puck's dreamland and their reality, there are not a lot of differences. Kurt is not dead though, but the rest…
"So you kept feeling stuff," Kurt clarifies quietly. "And being confused by things… like, the coat? And things like that?"
Puck snorts, lamely. "All the time. It took me awhile to be able to tell what was real from what wasn't. Like, stuff that happened in dreams followed me around all time in real life! People in the Glee club were assholes to me, and even to you although you were already dead. I quit the Glee club in my dreams 'cos they were bastards, and when I woke up, I found myself still hating them for no reason; they never really did all the shit I dreamed up, but I still hated them."
"But I don't get it," Kurt admits out loud. "The dreams about me were true, since I actually said everything you heard. But no one else visited you; why did you have such an awful time in your… dreams… about reality?"
This sounds like a tongue-twister, but Kurt is actually understanding the whole dreams inside of dreams thing.
Puck shrugs. "I don't know. Guess my fucked up head just made up a lot of shit. I mean, when I dreamed about you, sure I heard you talking but… we were always, I don't know, we met at the road where we crashed, or in the choir room, or in your car, or even here. And that never really happened."
Kurt nods. So that means that Puck's head created some sort of environment for his dreams? It's pretty weird. Kurt only talked to Puck to make him feel like he wasn't alone, and from what Puck is saying, a coma state was exactly what Kurt had pictured. The only difference is that a coma state isn't something dark, but Puck had plenty of dreams in which he was lost and alone.
Except for Kurt.
"And your déjà vu today…" Kurt tells him tentatively. "You had a dream like that about us."
Puck nods. "A couple of them happened in that place. And we were just like that, like... that road and us holding hands. Freaking weird. It happened before, like after the coma, stuff like… the vinyl, and your coat, and you holding my hand, and even stuff that you mentioned, were like triggers, you know? 'Cos those were things that happened in my dreams, and for a second I didn't even know if I was dreaming again or not. It took me awhile to realize that all the shit I dreamed was because you were talking to me."
Kurt nods quietly. "When did you realize that?"
Puck lets out a short laugh. "My mom had a Cosmo magazine you left at hospital," he explains and Dear Gaga, Kurt wants to die. "And I saw the sex quiz, and man, I so remembered you talking to me about it! So I put two and two together… I was a freaking genius. Crazy, but well…"
Kurt wraps his arms around Puck, placing a soft kiss on his lips. "I don't think you're crazy. And I wasn't going to think you were if you told me about this before."
Puck shrugs uncomfortably. "Makes me feel weak. I can't be weak with you."
Kurt frowns, holding Puck by his face and making their gazes meet. "You're not weak. And if you were for even a moment, I'd be here for you."
"It's super pathetic."
"It's not," Kurt says, pushing Puck to lay on the mattress and lying by his boyfriend's side. "You remember the day I confessed my feelings for you, right?"
Kurt can't help being curious. He has never said his feelings out loud for Puck; Kurt has never told him 'I love you' except for the time at hospital. Puck knows anyway, not only because of his dreams but also because he found the picture of them in Kurt's vanity and, Dear Gaga! Kurt told a comatose Puck where the picture was hidden and Puck remembered! Anyway… Kurt is not going to get worked up because of that. The main thing here is that Puck never really heard those three words coming out of Kurt's mouth and there's no need for that since Puck loves to constantly say things like "You love me so much" to him.
But Kurt wants to know how Puck reacted. It was only a dream inside Puck's head but it's the closest thing Kurt will have to the real thing. Kurt never told Finn about his feelings but he was everything but subtle and Finn figured out by himself, reacting terribly to it.
"I do," Puck simply says and Kurt holds himself tighter against him.
"Did it bother you?"
"Nah."
"Okay, Puck? I need more than that. What did you think when you heard those words coming out of my mouth."
Puck sighs tiredly. "You wanna know if it bothered me?" Kurt doesn't reply and apparently Puck takes that as a yes. "It didn't. I was like, surprised, you know? No one ever loved me but my family. I always thought that, after Finn preaching about you, it may feel weird, but it didn't. I felt bad about it."
Kurt tenses. "Why?"
"'Cos you were kind of awesome and you died a virgin," Puck says bluntly and Kurt burst into laughter. Only Puck could think that way. "And I started thinking about all the dudes who were never going to get to know you, but then I didn't want them to, because you loved me/i; I earned that and I wasn't going to share your attention with some jerks."
Kurt props himself on his elbows, giving Puck a long stare. "This is why you're so damn jealous?"
Puck stares at him like he just grew a second head. "Jealous? I'm not jealous!"
Kurt gapes, unable to believe it. "There were moments you almost acted psycho! Even before we became boyfriends, and Sweet Dolce, you actually asked me to be your boyfriend to scare other guys away!"
"Well, you can't expect me to let you go like that!" Puck barks indignantly. "You want me, I earned that, so there's no way in freaking hell I'm letting you go to some jerk. I mean, in my dreams I had no options ´cos you were dead, so no one could have you, not even me. But in real life, I'm not letting you go. Not now that I can have you for myself."
Kurt sighs, defeated, and says nothing. From what he gathers, by talking to Puck during his comatose state, Kurt only made Puck develop a severe case of codependency on him. Kurt starts thinking about a lot of the moments that he and Puck shared together after the accident and before becoming boyfriends. He remembers all the times that Puck asked him not to leave him and how vulnerable Puck looked and sounded while asking that. Puck's jealousy and his possessive side are not related to his egomaniac self, or at least not entirely, and Kurt can see that now.
For some reason, it's sad. Kurt is used to seeing Puck as a very confident, strong, and careless guy; now Kurt realizes that until they became boyfriends, Puck had been very upset for real.
"I guess I did a huge amount of gay brainwash on you during your comatose days," Kurt points out, laughing a little, and Puck groans, annoyed.
"Will you drop that shit for once? You didn't force me into anything and you definitely didn't brainwash me."
"It was just a joke," Kurt defends himself and then gapes. "It was actually a joke…"
Kurt realizes that for the first time he was kidding for real; he didn't even think about himself perverting Puck or about being a bad influence on him. For the first time, the idea of him being the responsible for Puck's uncertain sexuality doesn't cross his mind, and Puck's feelings for him stop being a burden that makes Kurt feel guilty.
Apparently, Puck notices Kurt's realization. "Fucking finally! About time, man! It was driving me freaking nuts!"
Puck leans over Kurt and gives him a long and wet kiss, and Kurt has never enjoyed kissing Puck like he's enjoying it right now, free of guilt.
"The crash really did change everything," Puck tells him when they break the kiss.
"For you."
"For us," Puck corrects. "If it hadn't happened, I would never have realized that back then, you were kind of the only person I wanted around. The car crash changed stuff about me, true; I'm the deadliest guy at school, I'm finally cool with my 'ma, my family is much better… But you, my friend, you can't tell me you're exactly the same as you were before it happened."
Kurt frowns and presses his lips together in order not to laugh. Kurt hasn't changed; he's the same as he's always been, and unlike Puck's, his sexuality is still intact.
"I'm just the same, Puck."
Puck snorts. "The same, my ass. Because I was about to die, you told me you were crazy in love with me," he says and Kurt rolls his eyes. "We both know you wouldn't have told me otherwise. And look at yourself now! You've got the most amazing boyfriend in the fucking world, you're not a prudish virgin anymore; we have sex all the time and you, my boy, are quite feisty."
Kurt blushes furiously. He really hates when Puck says stuff like that when they aren't in bed having sex; when he's not the mood, it's terribly embarrassing.
"Puck, seriously…"
"No, it's true. Just look at us. Freaking spies, Kurt! Sure, no one knew that we were friends before, but now it's a billion times better. It's a bitch that we had to get ourselves nearly killed, but I don't know, seeing all the great stuff we've gotten after that, I can't think about it as something bad."
Kurt stares at Puck intently, watching the untroubled expression on his boyfriend's face. Kurt has never thought about it that way. Puck's logic has never been something that Kurt could follow but he has to admit that Puck has a very valid point.
"I guess you're right," Kurt whispers and Puck chuckles.
"I'm always right," Puck states with his self-sufficient tone of voice. "Blow me?"
Kurt tries not to laugh. "It's our/i four-month anniversary. I never expect to have something in return, but I think I deserve to go back home as satisfied as you'll be," he says with a smirk on his face, crawling on top of his boyfriend.
Puck grabs Kurt's ass and Kurt can already feel the growing hard on beneath him. "We don't have time to fuck properly, but believe me, you won't walk away without at least getting blown."
Three hours later, Kurt drives home feeling pretty much content. He was satisfied not only because he did get an amazing blowjob, but also because he actually had a nice time at Puck's place. After both were sexually content, Kurt asked Puck to tell him about every one of his dreams. Much to his surprise, Puck remembered them all with great detail.
It was shocking. Kurt can barely ever remember what he dreams at night, and according to Puck, he can't either, but he is able to remember every dream from his coma state, as if they were movies. And Kurt finally got to learn why Puck gets so upset when Kurt asks him to wake up when Puck sleeps at his place.
Later in the afternoon, Mrs. Puckerman and Sarah arrived, and much to Kurt surprise, he didn't feel as awkward as he did the last time he'd been with Puck's family.
As usual, he and Puck acted as if they aren't boyfriends, not because they need to hide from Mrs. Puckerman, but because that's what Kurt and Puck automatically do when there are people around. Sarah doesn't know about them yet, so Kurt doesn't mind much.
Mrs. Puckerman and Sarah arrived with a bag filled with bagels to have some coffee together and Sarah was thrilled to see him again. Kurt was actually happy to see the youngest Puckerman as well since he's grown very fond of the little girl.
Kurt starts slowing his speed when he starts getting closer to the place where they had the accident. Kurt drove by that place a billion times after the car crash, and he never really paid attention because he never really realized that he was passing by the place he almost got killed every morning and afternoon.
But even though the place has nothing in particular to attract attention since it's just a plain road with nothing but empty fields on its sides, Kurt knows the exact spot now and he stops the car when he reaches it.
Without getting out of his car, Kurt gives a long stare at the spot on the field where his late SUV lay upside down and suddenly he can almost see himself crawling out of it and finding Puck's cellphone somewhere on the ground. Kurt remembers in detail his desperation while calling 911, and how devastated he felt because he was so sure that Puck was dead. Kurt can recall how none of his wounds hurt, not until he reached hospital; he was so terrified that he could barely feel any pain.
And Kurt smiles.
Even though there's a bunch of painful memories in his head, it's all in the past and Puck was right; it brought a lot of great things: for himself, for Puck and for both of them together.
Kurt resumes his drive back home in a content mood. He takes the three bags of clothes he got yesterday at the mall and goes inside, running into his father and Carole in the kitchen and greeting them both.
"Did you behave with the credit card?" his father asks him, glancing at the shopping bags.
Kurt rolls his eyes indignantly. "I've got only three items."
"Yeah, but I know you can spend around five thousand on a single coat so I'm sorry if I'm worried," his dad replies.
"I didn't spend much, believe me," Kurt assures him, being that that was the truth.
"Are you alright, honey?" Carole asks him, caressing his cheek.
Kurt smiles and fidgets in his place. There's no way they can tell he's been with his boyfriend, right? "Yes, why do you ask?"
"You look weird," his dad points out, looking slightly concerned.
Kurt believes that a perfect way to lie is to tell half the truth instead of making up whole and intricate stories that you later could forget the details of, leading to a suspicious contradiction.
"Today it's been four months since the accident," Kurt announces since that is both the truth and something that could upset anyone. This way no one will grow suspicious of him.
His father presses his lips together and Carole gets a pained look. "Oh, honey… are you alright?"
Kurt nods. "I am, actually. For the first time, I realized that it's okay, you know? Because we could all be commemorating the four-month anniversary of a tragedy, but Puck and I were lucky, and today we can actually tell the story while being very much healthy and alive."
His father sighs and walks towards him, giving him a tight hug. "Even though it pains me to think about those days, I thank God every day you are here today."
Kurt looks up, offering a smile. "Thanks, dad. Now I'll better go to my room to put these in my closet," he says, motioning to his shopping bags.
On his way to his room, Kurt really considers that with his incredibly sneaky tactics, he should be the head of the CIA by now, but yet, a pang of guilt hits his stomach again. The same kind of guilt he experienced earlier on in the day when he left the house, telling his father he was going to the mall.
Kurt wants to stop feeling guilty about everything. He's finally gotten rid of the burden of feeling like he's the one to blame for Puck's ambiguous sexuality, but the guilt about having to hide something so big from his father is eating away at his guts.
And he knows he has to do something about it.