Part 21 - Losing More

Summary: Kurt Weller shares an emotional moment with a stranger at the hospital.

"Are you a nurse?" The old man asked, his voice as shaky as the tired step he took.

Kurt looked over his shoulder from where he stood by the coffee machine. The old man— wearing a blue hospital gown and leaning heavily on a walker to aid his movements— was with a woman, just as old as he was, who was clearly not a nurse.

The woman gently rubbed his back and smiled sadly. "No, dear," she said gently, "it's me, Catherine, your wife."

The man turned towards her and studied her closely, the look on his face one of utter confusion, lacking any recognition. "You are?" He asked.

The woman, Catherine, put her hand gently on his, tracing the ring on her husband's finger.

"Yes, dear," she said.

The man studied her for another moment. "Ok," the man said, turning back to take another wobbly step down the hallway, "you're pretty," he added and Kurt watched as the woman wiped the tears from her face.

It was later in the evening, a time when most hospital visitors had been asked to leave, when Kurt saw her again. She was sitting at one of the small tables in the 24 hours coffee shop in the lobby nursing a cup of tea. Kurt ordered his coffee from the young man at the counter and watched her for a moment as he waited. He'd seen her a few times during the past weeks, and almost daily at this hour in the coffee shop, just her and a cup of tea. He was sure she'd noticed him too because he often sat at the only other table there, fishing off his coffee, or at time when he could stomach it, a small sandwich before he returned to Jane's room.

He was surprised that evening when, as he walked past her to the other table, she looked up at him and smiled. "Would you like some company as you have your coffee?" She asked.

They sat together in silence for a moment, both needing the comfort and company of a stranger— as odd at that sounded.

"My husband broke his hip," she said as she stirred her tea aimlessly.

"I'm sorry to hear that," Kurt offered with an honest smile.

"We're both at that age where stepping off a sidewalk is as dangerous as sky diving," she added with a chuckle, "brittle bones and tired muscles."

Kurt nodded and watched her as she finished her drink and looked back up at him.

"But the doctor's say he is going to be ok," she added, "he was an athlete in his youth, so his bones are surprisingly strong for a man his age… it's his mind… he has an advanced stage of Alzheimer's."

"I'm sorry," Kurt said.

"Thank you," she said, "he's completely healthy otherwise. His heart, his blood pressure, sugar levels, cholesterol… everything is how it should be."

"Well, that's a good thing, right?" Kurt said, trying to offer her some consolation.

She nodded and wiped her eyes. "Yes, yes," she said, "of course."

They were quiet for another few minutes— both now finished with their drinks— before she looked at Kurt again and smiled sweetly. "I'm sorry, I'm sure you don't need an old woman telling you about her troubles late at night when I'm sure you've got a lot on your mind," she said sweetly.

Kurt shook his head. "No," he said, "it's no trouble at all, "I really do need the company," he admitted, "the long nights are the hardest… when you're alone with your thoughts-"

She nodded and reached across the table, squeezing his hand swiftly.

"I'm Catherine, by the way," she said.

"Kurt."

"How'd you and your husband meet?" He asked a few moments later.

"Through his daughter," Catherine said, "I was taking a class a few years ago on how to use the internet for old people at the community center and she was the one teaching it."

"Oh, so you've only been together a few years?" Kurt asked and Catherine nodded.

"Yes," she said, "four years next month."

"That's exactly how long Jane and I have known each other," Kurt added, the words slipping out unconsciously.

"Jane?" Catherine asked.

"My wife," Kurt explained.

He didn't need to explain that she was the woman whose bedside he had not left in weeks.

After a few moments of silence, Kurt asked, "have you been married before?"

She shook her head and smiled. "Never married before. I was too choosy," she said and didn't miss the look that momentarily overtook Kurt's face.

"I was engaged once," she said, "my childhood sweetheart but he died before we got married."

"I'm so sorry," Kurt said.

Catherine smiled and shook her head. "It was years ago," she said, "and I have Jonathan now."

"How long has he had Alzheimer's?" Kurt asked, "if you don't mind me asking."

"It's only been a few months," she said, "but it's been fast."

She told Kurt about how it had first started. Her husband's memory relapses were frequent and severe. Not only did he forget her and their relationship, but it often took him way back into the past towhee he was with his first wife.

"His first marriage wasn't a happy one," she said, "and that's not coming from me. It's what he says, and what his daughter agrees to."

Kurt listened closely as she told him more. "The first few years are good. But then his first wife showed her true colors. And she made his life hell. He only stayed with her for the sake of their kids, but once they were old enough, it was them who begged him to leave her and bring happiness back into his life. He'd suffered for years with her. But when his memory relapses, he doesn't remember any of that, only the happier times. And of course I do not have the heart to speak ill of her especially not when he looks at me and only sees a stranger, only sees this old woman who has taken the place of his young beautiful wife."

"It must be hard," Kurt whispered, "how do you… how do you find the strength to stay by his side?"

Catherine looked at Kurt and smiled— a smile so bright and confident it erased all the pain that had been on her face as she'd told him their story.

"I love him," she said, "I love him and I know he loves me, even if he can't remember at time, and that is all the strength that I need."

"My wife's going through something not so different," Kurt found himself saying before he could filter the words and realize he was opening up to a complete stranger.

"Not Alzheimer's but she's having memory… problems," he said, "she woke up and her mind was stuck almost four years in the past… and she wasn't in a great place then."

He suddenly caught up with his own admissions and shook his head. "I'm sorry," he said, "you've got enough to deal with, you don't need me unloading my troubles on you."

Catherine smiled and and squeezed his hand. "Something tells me you need to get it off your chest," she said, "I just unloaded my problems onto you. So you're welcome to do the same."

Kurt opened his mouth to protest again, but she stopped him. "I have a feeling you're not usually the type to open up," she said, "especially not to a stranger."

Kurt chuckled and shook his head. "I'm not," he said, "in fact, before Jane, I didn't even know how to talk to anyone. She taught me how to be more… comfortable with that."

"Well then," Catherine said, "for Jane's sake, if you want to, I'm here and I'm willing to listen."

He considered her offer for a moment, and considered the fact that even then, their story was still a matter of governmental clearance, many of its details off limits to this sweet stranger offering him her shoulder to lean on.

"Before we met, Jane was in a very… dark place," he finally said, "she didn't have the greatest childhood and her life had been a series of… horrible things. She was angry, and bitter, and closed up… she made some tough decisions and some bad ones because of the world that she'd grew up in."

"But that changed, didn't it?" Catherine said.

Kurt nodded. "In the past few years, she's managed to do so much good," he said, "she'd found peace and redemption and purpose."

"Thanks to you?"

He shook his head. "I can't take credit for any of it," he admitted, "it is all her. She finally got away from the world she'd been forced to live in, and her innate goodness, her compassion, got a chance to shine through. She has a good heart. She's always had a good heart. I cannot take credit for that. I am the one who owes everything to her. I am who I am today because of her. She made me a better person. Makes me want to be better."

"And now her brain thinks she's back in that world, back to being that person," Catherine said and he nodded.

"You're afraid you're going to lose her?" She asked and Kurt nodded.

"Can you love this version of her like you did the other one?" She asked him bluntly, and Kurt just stared at her for a moment. He thought to the past few weeks with Remi, getting to know her and getting to spend time with her. As painful as it had been to have Jane with him but not have her there, to watch her health deteriorate and her mind fail her—

"You fell in love with her once before, right?" Catherine asked, puling him out of his thoughts, and he did not hesitate to nod.

"I've fallen in love with her every single day since I've met her," he admitted.

"And she fell in love you once before as well?" Catherine asked.

He smiled and nodded. "I'd like to think so."

"Then she will again. In matters of the heart, the head will always come in second place. If her heart has chosen you once before, then it will do so again. And again. And again. And that's the beauty of it."

Later, after he'd said good night to his new friend, Kurt found his way back to Jane's room. He took his place in the chair by her bed, the chair he had spent the past week in, and took her hand in both of his. He leaned his elbows on the bed, pressed the back of her hand to his lips and allowed himself to cry.

He wasn't sure how long he'd been like that when he felt something, and for a moment he just assumed it was his own sobs, his own body jerking, but then he felt it again, it's a slight flutter against his cheek, a tickle against his beard. And he opened his eyes slowly, his gaze immediately going to her face and that was when he heard it— an almost impossible whisper.

"Kurt?"