I was on vacation and things were crazy! Now I am back and stuck in my house for the next three days due to a blizzard. As long as I don't lose power/internet I will be posting daily during that time! This chapter is a bit of a long one but I hope you like it. The song mentioned is actually the initial inspiration behind this whole ordeal. Also, thoughts on the new episode? I'm more than happy to discuss! Stay safe any of you who may be near where this storm is hitting!

Raven's POV

"I really should go home," Raven murmurs more to herself than to Wick Christmas night. Dinner has finished, the sun set, and the kids exhausted and cranky from such an exciting day. It wasn't that she wanted to leave, but the idea of just what her mother may have gotten into was enough to leave her too anxious to make it worth staying. After all, there wasn't anyone else to ensure the woman didn't choke on her own vomit in the middle of the night. It wasn't that she could save her mom, Raven hadn't deluded herself that far, but sometimes she thought that maybe she could keep her alive one extra day or month or year. Being away from her, this far away especially, it makes her nervous. She's nervous of what she'll come home to. And she's nervous that if she's here too much longer she won't want to go home at all.

Wick nods, no questions asked, no arguments made. "I'll go get our stuff," he tells her and disappears to the basement. The carefree, happy moments from outside hours ago were long forgotten. She wasn't the girl who rolled around in the snow on Christmas day, at least not most of the time. There was something about that stupid boy that changed her. Everything felt lighter with him. It was a nice break from the heavy burdens she generally carried.

"Will you come back?" one of the kids asks her. Raven thinks it might be Charlotte but she hadn't quite sorted them all out yet. She's all tired eyes and sleepy yawns, but she looks up at Raven with a hopeful stare that breaks her down.

"I would very much like to," Raven tells the little girl. Arms are immediately wrapped around her middle, knocking her slightly off balance at first. Raven hugs the girl back the best she can with the height difference.

As Charlotte pulls away she presses a kiss to Raven's leg. "So that it will get better," she tells her with a bright smile and happy eyes. Raven tells her thank you as she skips away, a new bought of energy discovered.

"It was wonderful meeting you," Echo says with a kiss to Raven's cheek. This family was all a bit too affectionate for Raven, but after all the hospitality she could hardly shrug everyone off. "You're good for him," she whispers in her ear before pulling away.

Words get stuck in her throat. Claims of 'he's just a friend' and 'I'm not even good for myself' sucked down and away. Nothing comes out though; she just stands there like an open mouthed fool until Wick comes around with bags in hand. She reaches to take some of the things he carried.

"Where is your suitcase?" Mary Anne asks her, taking in the things Wick was carrying. There was one tattered duffel bag, his obviously.

"I spilled coffee all over it on the way here," Wick answers for her, handing her a bag full of their gifts. "We opted for the plastic bag instead of her smelling like coffee all weekend."

She heaves a sigh and then pulls first Wick into a hug, kissing his cheek and pretending not to have tears gathering when she backs away. "You'll call me when you get home, won't you? And none of that, 'didn't want to wake you,' nonsense."

"Yes ma'am," he says, allowing for one more hug.

Raven feels like an intruder, knowing this was a personal moment between Wick and his aunt. A woman in fear of losing what was left of her sister's family and a nephew leaving behind the only form of family he had left. But then she too is being wrapped in a hug. It's warm and soft and she remembers the nights when she was so small that her mother could still carry her from the couch to bed, laying her down and kissing her cheek. There had been happy times. They just so often got covered by the bad ones. "You don't be a stranger either, got it?"

Raven nods and smiles, still caught up in her memories. "Of course."

"And keep him in line. He's trouble this one." It was funny because it was true.

Wick shakes his head, "Alright, alright, that's enough fun on my expense. Let's get the hell out of here."

"That's a bad word, Uncle Wick!" someone calls from the other room.

Those kids were the biggest bunch of tattle tales Raven had ever met. "That's our cue," she says, opening the door and holding it for Wick and his armful of stuff. It was funny; she thought to herself, seeing him carry all of the bags reminded her of a little over a month ago when he had introduced himself as a professional carrier. He wore his same dopey smile and walked his familiar loping walk. At the time he'd gotten on her last nerve. For a brief second she lets herself be grateful that he did.

The ground was still covered in a layer of snow, all of the grass and branches buried beneath the clean layer of white. At least on the front lawn. The backyard was a bit of a different story due to all of the sledding. The roads seemed mainly clear at least. Otherwise Raven didn't question for a single second that his aunt would be making them stay another night.

As they climb in the truck, the things are tossed to the back and they both wave to the small party which had gathered on the front porch. It was sweet, knowing so many people were sad to see just one someone go. It makes Wick crack open wide with smiles as he waves wildly back. It makes Raven crack open with sadness as she offers her own farewells.

In the truck things feel much the same. Though so much happened, between her and Wick, for her independently as well, everything feels as familiar as the ride here.

It's dark and quiet, and Raven leaves it that way as Wick navigates his way out of the neighbourhood and back towards I-95. The roads are patchy, but overall nothing terrible. He relaxes once they've turned onto the highway and she waits for him to talk. She waits for the questions or the jokes or the sigh of relief. But things stay silent and heavy.

All of a sudden everything is too stuffy and hot, she reaches over and cranks down her window. She was grateful for the icy cold air that hits her face, sending shivers all through her body.

Wick gives her all of two seconds before asking, "What the hell are you doing, Reyes?" She cranks it up without complaint. It was eight degree outside after all. "Are you deranged? Did you hit your head sledding?"

Shaking her head she reaches over to mess with the radio. "Hey, Wick," she says, her fingers still scrolling through the stations for something decent.

"Yeah?" he asks, glancing over at her. The Deja vu is strong. It was like the last two days could not have happened at all.

"Thanks for taking me," she says, biting her lip at the thought. "It was…I had a good time."

He smiles that goofy smile that she knows means he's too happy not to. "Merry Christmas, Raven."

The sentiment is simple, and a little bit cheesy, kind of how the whole day has been. "Don't get sappy on me, Wick." She settles on some station that seems to be playing nothing but outdated top 40 hits, most of them only from two or three years ago which meant they were still old and tired but not yet a throwback. It's familiar though, and she finds it easy to sing along to the lyrics.

After an hour on the road she throws her brace in the backseat, entirely tired of wearing the thing. She does her best to stretch in the cramped truck. After two days of semi-rest, it feels much better than normal, the muscles not quite as tight or unforgiving.

"Do you go back to work tomorrow?" Wick asks over top of Pink's Raise Your Glass anthem. "Or well, today, I guess."

She's surprised to glance at the clock and discover it's already after midnight. "Just at the hospital," she says around a yawn. "See you there?"

She sees his answering smile in the headlights of a passing car. "Of course."

For this car ride Raven resolves herself to stay awake. After all, there wasn't much point in having a friend on a road trip if they just slept the whole time. The two of them make easy conversation, light things like books and movies, and he talks her into playing more than one stupid game. The games seem slightly less stupid as she proceeds to beat him at each and every one.

He makes a lot of dumb jokes and the hours and miles wear on long enough that Raven actually begins laughing at them. That just encourages him to make more jokes. She cycles through a dozen different stations as they pass through cities and states. He complained each time she stopped on a rap song but he got as much of a kick listening to her rap as she did doing it. It was obvious in the way his eyes glanced over and the wide smile he wore. Every once in a while she even throw in a head bob or a shimmy of her shoulders.

Perhaps she was actually good to have on long car rides.

A Lorde song comes on and Raven doesn't hesitate to reach over and turn it up. She knew the song word for word but she soaked up the lyrics of 'I've never felt more alone, it's so scary getting old' as the road vanishes beneath them with each mile. It's monotonous, especially with the road so empty and the trees unrelenting beside them. The only variations are in the occasional truck or billboard advertisement.

Raven taps on her knee along with the beat when the music swells, the words quickening. "You're the only friend I need," she sings out unabashedly. "Sharing beds like little kids. Laughing till our ribs get tough, that will never be enough." She laughs as the lyrics go onto repeat, looking over at Wick as she sings out "You're the only friend I need," one more time, the rest of the words vanishing from her mind when he looks over at her at the same time.

Lorde repeats the lyric, "that will never be enough," a few more times as the song fades out. Raven bites her lip, a little bit embarrassed at her claim but equally high off the singing and the darkness and the fact that for once in her life she'd gone all this time without feeling alone.

It used to always be like this. She tried so hard not to remember when times were better and easier and happier. She puts so much effort in not remembering the days of spinning in her bathing suit at some party or another, just tipsy enough and enjoying the feeling of her feet hitting the stone as she danced to songs on the radio. She tried not to think about giggling in Octavia's room until two a.m. in the seventh grade. She worked so, so hard to forget Finn tickling her half-heartedly as they lay together in the backyard, warmed by the sun and full from each other. She use to be a happy girl all of the time. Now she clung to these moments when things were easy and good again. Before everyone grew up and people died and others went to rehab and new girls appeared.

"You sure do know a lot of songs," Wick comments, easy words to distract from the heavy mood.

Raven shrugs, then smiles. "Yeah, there used to be a lot of music in my life."

"Oh yeah?" he asks, his grip relaxing on the steering wheel. She knew he was trying to portray nonchalance. She was well aware that he was acting like he didn't care when she knows he really did.

So she nods, but then she remembers it's not only dark but he's watching the road, not her. "Yeah, Finn…he played guitar. He was always learning something new, trying to sing to it, which was terrible." She laughs, caught up once again in memories of happier times with a person who was once hers. "I'd sing for him, save everyone's ears from bleeding." Wick doesn't speak so she keeps talking. "And I used to spend a lot of time with Octavia. Did you know she used to be a dancer? Ballet and hip hop, some jazz when she was younger too."

She looks down and picks at her nails, all too aware of how much talking she was doing. There was a reason she tried to keep herself from remembering these times. It made her yearn for things that would never again be the same. "Any time we were together it tended to turn into some form of a dance party." She chuckled, remembering being young and carefree, Octavia's hair spinning all around her face as she jumped on her bed, shouting out Kanye West lyrics with enough volume to get the police called.

"Did you ever go to school dances?" he asks, keeping her thoroughly engaged in her past and therefore keeping her talking.

School dances were always a bit of a hot mess, such a struggle for her to get there, but always worth it in the end. "I did, for the two years I was in high school anyway. Parties too. I danced a lot at parties."

Wick snorts from his side of the truck. "I'm sorry, I just…I can't see you at a party."

She laughs too, because it was true. Now she would stick out like a sore thumb amongst all the music and alcohol and weed. She'd be too unsteady to so much as walk through the crowds, let alone attempt dancing. "I am a great time, for your information," she jokes instead though.

No part of her expects him to respond with, "As if I didn't already know that." He smiles at her and she remembers smashing snow into his face with a wide grin. "So what about now?" he asks, leading the conversation back to her.

"What about now?" she answers, the grumble returning to her words. She didn't want to remember now anymore. The past was a welcoming reminder of the person she once had been able to be. She longed to be that girl again, to manage to be so carefree. There had been so many times where she wondered what it was that allowed her to be that way. Finn's dependability, all four of her limbs functioning properly, her youth not yet capable of accepting the darkness of her reality. Whatever it was, she wanted it back.

"Is music still a thing?" he asks, fingers drumming on the steering wheel to the song that was currently playing. He really did know all the right ways to make it seem like he didn't care. Raven knew how to read right through him.

"I guess music wasn't ever important to me like it was to musicians or singers or anything. Music was…" she drops off, trying to think of why it ever really mattered to her. "It was something that tied me to people, I guess. It made memories without me even knowing it."

She sees him nod out of the corner of her eye. "Like with Finn?"

It was an innocent enough question. She couldn't blame him for being curious, especially after her friends filled him in on the basics. He probably had a dozen questions about this boy who had once been so prominent in her life and whose death had left her so useless. "Yeah," she agrees. "Finn was…definitely someone a lot of songs were tied to."

His practised nonchalance is broken as she watches his hand tense just slightly on the steering wheel. "Do you miss him?"

Raven rubs at her knee. It was a habit she'd picked up ever since it had stopped working, rubbing it like a genie in a magic lamp. As if with enough time and practise it would spur back into feeling. "Every day," she admits quietly. Her chest feels tight just at the mention of him. "In the end…things were bad," she consents. There was no denying the struggles they went through and their ending split. But he'd still been there. Alive and knocking on her door every other day, bringing her the medications she needed or an extra plate from dinner. Even when he was gone he had still been a part of her life. The permanence of death took that away for good. "But I miss the way things used to be. I owe Finn my life, several times over."

"He took good care of you?" Wick asks, his voice low. She swears she can hear the hope in his voice.

There were times when there had been no one else. Just Finn. "Yes," she says simply. "Better care of me than himself." He'd always been looking out for her. Keeping her out of trouble at the cost of getting himself into it, skipping meals to make sure she ate. "It was the biggest problem in our relationship. He was responsible for me in ways that a teenage boy should never have to be for his girlfriend." The things he did…they were above and beyond any reasonable expectations.

"He still did a shitty thing," Wick reminds her. She'd made her peace with his cheating a long time ago. They'd been so young when things between them happened, and even before then he had been so solely responsible for her. He hadn't so much as looked at anyone else since third grade when they'd first met. Unfailingly there for her, unflinchingly giving to her. She couldn't deny him the desperation for something…someone else. It was normal for him to want someone who didn't need him so completely.

Even so, it still hurts to remember those times. "He was stuck," Raven says in memory. "He couldn't break up with me. Not when he was my source for another meal." These were confessions she never meant to make. Even her closest friends didn't know just how dire things had been when she was young. They hadn't noticed her in the elementary school classroom, the same clothes from kindergarten still falling off her frame. They missed the six months she was sick, never able to recover from a simple flu because her body didn't have the resources to pool from in order to fight the virus. It wasn't until fifth grade that she became friends with Octavia, middle or high school for everyone else. Only Finn had ever seen just how vulnerable she once was. She'd been a scrawny kid with too big of a mouth and too much contempt for so few years of living. He'd been a little too observant and a lot too obsessed with saving people.

"I'm sorry about what happened to him," Wick concedes, maybe because he can hear the tremble of her voice or notices the yearning she's suddenly experiencing. "I'm glad…I'm glad he was around to help you."

"Me too," she whispers, letting her head fall against the window as she watches the dark road pass beneath them. Prying up the memories of another lifetime was not a common activity for her for a very specific reason. She felt emptied out by the time she was done. In contrast to the girl she used to be, it wasn't entirely wrong. "So your turn," she announces, trying to perk back up.

Again, his hands tighten on the steering wheel and he clears his throat. He cracks his neck one way and then the other. Raven glances at the clock and notes there's only a little over an hour left of the trip at this point. "I had a sister," he admits quietly. A piece of information he left out last night. "Two years older and a pain in the ass. She lived through the accident."

It wasn't the confession she'd been expecting, actually looking more for favourite childhood pastimes or costumes of Halloweens past. Instead the heavy words add to the weight she already feels is crushing her. "Where is she now?" she brings herself to ask, afraid of the answer.

"She killed herself two weeks after my parents funeral." The words come out harsh, hateful even. Raven wonders when the last time he admitted that was.

"Shit," she breathes, caught off guard and more than a little uncertain of what else to say. "I'm sorry."

He shrugs. She knows the words make no real difference. "She thought it was her fault. She knew Dad was drunk, but she also knew that he didn't like other people telling him what to do. So she let him drive to save herself the fight."

It's a terrible thing to live with, Raven admits, but that's what you had to do. Live with things. Just like she lived with her leg and Octavia lived with her mistakes, you moved on as best you could and faced another day. Or at least, you don't abandon your brother when you're the last living family member he has. "How old were you?"

"Nineteen…wait no, twenty actually. Technically an adult but still…"

Raven had lost her whole family in one fell swoop as well. She knew what it was like. "Age doesn't make a difference," she says quietly. "No one is ever prepared to say goodbye to the people they rely on."

"Yeah," Wick agrees quietly. "We've sure got a knack for depressing conversations, don't we," he says by means of a joke. Raven cracks a smile, more for his sake than her own. "Merry fucking Christmas."

"A nice sentiment," she comments and then taps the clock with her fingernail. "But I'm afraid Christmas is over." It's sobering, saying the words and removing herself from this weird parallel universe she'd slipped into over the holiday. A place where kids made her cards and families welcomed her with open arms. It was somewhere that she confessed secrets in the dark and wasn't afraid that now someone else held them too. It had been a brief stint of lightness. The darkness of reality seeps right back in as Wick exits the highway, the Welcome to Newark signs reminding her she was home once more.

Without questioning Wick drives towards her home, hand tight on the steering wheel when he pulls in. "So I guess I'll see you tomorrow," he says as she works to strap her brace on. His eyes are watchful, observing her methods.

It's uncomfortable, having someone watch her do something that usually remained so private. The brace was a part of what kept her going, like an extension of a body part. It was foreign to know someone was as aware of it as she was. "Tonight," he reminds her, looking away and over at her dark, empty trailer. "Thanks for coming, by the way."

She nods. She had already thanked him enough times for bringing her; it seemed silly to continue to do so. "Goodnight." He hands her the two bags from the back, one filled with her clothes and the other with the gifts she'd received.

She slips out of the truck and climbs the two stairs to the trailer, waving goodbye with her free hand as she unlocked the door. Wick didn't pull away until she was inside, the door shut behind her. Taking a deep breath, Raven flips the light to survey the damage.

To her surprise, there's little more than an empty bottle of tequila on the ground and a few used cigarettes cluttering the couch and carpet. Her mom wasn't a big smoker. She knew that meant that visitors had been over at some point. Her mother's bedroom door is shut, no light spilling out from underneath of it.

Just like so many nights before, all those times when she'd arrived after overnight shifts and long days away, she cracks the door open. There were two very different parts of her that constantly battled a war based off of what she wanted. Some part hoped she'd open the door, find her mother breathing and sleeping off her intoxication. Then she could shut it behind her and go to bed, resting to prepare for another day to come. But another part of her, a side that was so dark and evil and cruel that she didn't like to acknowledge its existence, wanted something completely different. She wanted to find her mother dead. No more breathing, no more heart beating. She'd call an ambulance, or maybe the police, Raven wasn't sure who would get there first. She would tell them what happened, the whole sordid story. Then her mother would be buried, or burned, or whatever happened to bodies of people who had died a long time ago. Her burdens would die that same night, the endless worry and embarrassment and constant reminder that she wasn't enough, it would drive off in that ambulance, zipped in a body bag.

That made her not just a terrible daughter, but also a terrible person. It wasn't right to just run when things were tough. It wasn't the responsible thing to do to just abandon someone in favour of something better. She should know. She had been on the other end before. Being stuck was awful. Being someone who ran away was even worse.

She cracked the door. Her mother breathed deep, life giving breaths.

Raven slept in her Christmas pyjamas again that night. He ma