Chapter 21

CONFUSION

AKKO

If there was one thing that Akko was unequivocally skilled at, it was running on pure instinct and muscle memory when she was beyond exhausted. Which, as it stood, was exactly the case when they'd arrived at their lodging on Friday evening. Completely oblivious to Diana's extreme state of discomfort and insecurity (even going as far as to say, "Why the heck would you do that?" when the blonde offered to get a cot from room service; after all, they'd already shared a bed once before), she had stripped immediately and gotten dressed into the comfortable old t-shirt and shorts she slept in. She'd climbed into bed without a further thought and was likely asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow. She didn't remember—she had been so tired she didn't commit any of it to memory—and so when she woke up to Diana's phone alarm blaring an unpleasant noise into silence the next morning, she had blinked the sleep out of her eyes to find the other girl absolutely as far on the other side of the bed as she could get.

Like, halfway hanging off.

"Geez," she'd muttered, covering a yawn with the heel of her hand. "I know I don't toss around that much."

Diana's face had just turned a deep shade of red and she'd excused herself to the washroom. She barely talked the entire morning, even on the van ride back to the stabling area and after she'd had two cups of morning tea. Not that she had come across as negative, but she was surely monosyllabic. Akko vaguely remembered her barely talking in the mornings during the last show they attended (though, that was hard to judge, because Hannah and Barbara rarely let anyone get a word in edgewise) and so she tried not think about it too hard.

Though, that didn't stop the panic that nagged at her throughout the morning as she cared for Chariot. She was digging through her recent memory to try to find something that she'd done wrong. Maybe the kiss the other night wasn't okay? Maybe she'd hurt Beatrix when she'd ridden her? Though, she assumed Diana would have said something...

Akko unbuckled Chariot's heavy plaid blanket and slid it off, running a hand over the soft hair, long with winter, and the perfectly executed clip that Diana had done for her. The mare looked red where her hair was longer and almost tan where it was shaved close to the skin, and Akko couldn't help but think about how weird it looked every time she saw her. Not a bad weird, but certainly cleaner than she'd ever seen. The thin and perfectly lined mane, too, made her pony looked polished and professional.

Her voice slipping into her native tongue, she cooed at her mare and wrapped her arms around her muscular neck, speaking jumbled praise into a soft mane that smelled of citrus and shampoo from a warm bath the day before. There were still a couple hours left until her first round, leaving plenty of time to groom, tack, get herself ready, and warm up. As it was, she was already in her show breeches, with a thick pair of plaid flannel sweatpants over top to keep them clean. She wore her white show blouse under her warm red coat.

Granted, it wasn't as cold as it had been the entire week, even for being early in the morning. She and Diana had gotten up long before dawn, when night was still a dark wall against their window, and the first rays of the sun were finally beginning to light the sky. Frost gripped the show grounds in a sheen of white ice and the grass crunched beneath their paddock boots as they walked. And, even though their stalls were on one of the inside rows of a massive stable, the stone floors and heavy iron walls seemed to only trap the bitter air.

Chariot's breath came in visible puffs as she turned and nudged at Akko's flannel pants. The brunette chuckled, fishing her frozen hands into the pocket of her coat and pulling out a peppermint. Upon hearing the crinkle of the wrapper, the chestnut mare's ears flew forward and her lips twitched with excitement. She took the offered candy with a greedy snap and munched happily, sucking at her tongue for the last remnants of flavor once she'd finished swallowing.

"Hi."

Akko turned at the soft voice to find Diana at the stall door, resting her chin on crossed arms and smiling in a way that made her chest twist with emotion. Her hair was already pulled back into its neat show bun, wavy blonde curls smooth against the top and sides of her head. Topaz eyes flashed bright and bold in contrast to her pale skin.

"Hey," Akko replied, a sheepish grin taking control of her lips before she could stop herself. "Uh... how long have you been standing there?"

Diana straightened, though her smile didn't falter. "Long enough," she said. She reached over the iron-barred stall door and held out a cup that was steaming with warmth in her hand. "I figured I'd bring you this. It's... hot chocolate. I didn't know if you drank coffee or tea."

Well, if there was any lingering question as to whether or not she'd upset Diana, it was gone. She let the grin she'd been trying to hold back take full form as she stepped forward and took the warm Styrofoam cup in her hand. "Both. But this is just as good. Thanks, Diana."

"These too."

In her other hand, Diana was holding out a clear package. Inside were a pair of black nylon gloves, much like the ones she wore, but a size smaller.

"You... didn't buy these for me, did you?" Akko asked. Her dark eyebrows stitched together as she warily eyed the gift. "I can't take that."

Diana rolled her eyes. "You need a pair of gloves. I got you a pair of gloves. You can pay me back, if it's that big of a deal to you."

Akko wasn't used to accepting gifts without having one to offer in return. She felt her face flush with heat as she reached out and gingerly took the package from Diana's hand before inspecting the gloves. They were nice, expensive, something she wouldn't have had the guts to spend the money on. She would've just gone for some cheap synthetic leather ones. Diana's smile faltered and she stepped back, burying her hands into her pockets. "I... thank you," she murmured after a moment, lifting red eyes to meet blue. "This is really nice of you." A pause. "When do you ride?"

"First class starts at half eight."

Akko glanced down at her watch. It was 7:15. "Shouldn't you be getting ready?"

Diana hummed, her jaw tightening as she ran her eyes down Akko's body. Akko wasn't quite sure what there was to see—she was shapeless in a thick coat and baggy sweatpants—but she felt herself blushing anyway. "I only need to put tack on," she said. "I just... wanted to see you first."

Akko set the gloves down beneath the water bucket and pushed her hand into her pocket, unconsciously wrinkling the peppermint wrappers inside. Chariot perked up at the nose and moved over, nudging at Akko's coat with a warm, wet muzzle.

"Anyway, I'm afraid I won't be able to watch any of your classes. I'll be in the ring all the way across the grounds and I won't be able to get away," Diana said. She wet her lips and leveled her gaze with Akko's. "I should be able to catch some tomorrow, perhaps."

Akko chuckled. "You don't have to come watch me, anyway. I'll probably do something stupid." She shrugged, unwrapping a peppermint to offer to Chariot on a flat hand. Fuzzy lips lapped at her skin as Chariot sucked up the treat.

Diana rolled her eyes. "You will not."

Silence stretched between them. Down the aisles, the continuous chatter of riders talking to both each other and their horses echoed against the walls. Distant whinnies carried through the air, followed by a responses from other horses as they heard the call. Akko raised the hot chocolate to her lips and took a sip. It was rich, but warm.

"So, tonight?" she finally asked. She stepped to the stall door, rising on her toes to rest her arm across the cold metal.

Diana smirked. She glanced down the aisles, waiting for Professor Ursula to disappear into the Jump Team's tack stall, and stepped forward. She leaned over the gate, warm breath coasting over the side of Akko's face. Akko felt herself blushing beneath the sensation.

"I suppose I can make time," Diana murmured. Her smile tickled against Akko's skin and she planted a quick kiss to the brunette's cheek and whispered, "Good luck today."

Akko's flush heated her skin far more than the warm cocoa in her hand and she watched as Diana turned on a heel and quickly rushed off down the aisle to where the Hunt Team's stall reservations were located. Jaw rolling in thought, she turned to Chariot, who was staring back at her, and muttered, "Girls, right?"

The first course of the weekend was not all that complicated. And, thank goodness, not very hard to remember. She just had to stay focused on the task at hand and not let her mind wander to a specific girl who had agreed to another date and who was also—and this hit Akko with a hard realization in the middle of cinching Chariot' girth—sleeping alone in the same room in the same bed. The ensuing panic (which Akko had been relieved of the previous night, due to exhaustion that led to a severe case of blissful ignorance) had caused Akko to attach her throatlatch to her figure-eight noseband and vice versa. Miss Callistis had looked at her curiously before fixing it and sending her off to the warm-up ring after a quick, "Are you that nervous?"

Yes, but not about the ride.

She knew that Diana was… experienced… with things. She had to be, she'd dated that tall brunette Amazon woman for a long time, from what Amanda had told her, whereas Akko had zero experience and was only just getting used to kissing without having to think about what to do with her lips and hands. Not that she didn't want all the other stuff. She couldn't deny the way that her body throbbed with desire every time she touched or even thought about Diana. And, well, she'd... well… thought about Diana. While she was doing things. And stuff.

The idea of a possible expectation was making her mind reel with an electric anxiety that made her body flush with heat every time she thought about it.

She slumped on Chariot, watching the rider ahead of her and running over the course one last time. She'd shoved those thoughts about Diana and solitude and sex into a cabinet deep in the back of her brain and had sealed it with a metaphorical lock and chain. All that gay panic could wait for at least the next four minutes of her life. One hand, clad in the new nylon gloves that Diana had gotten her, raised to trace her finger around the course.

"75 on deck."

That was her. She swayed in the saddle one quick time, checking the tightness of her girth, and nudged Chariot forward. She gathered the reins, feeling a little uncomfortable with the material of the gloves against the leather, and waited for the other rider to exit the arena before trotting in.

Chariot's head lifted at the sight of the colorful jumps and she snorted, her muscles tensing and relaxing beneath Akko's body as she glanced curiously around. Akko maneuvered her through the arena, careful not to have her pony look directly at any of the fences, and brought her to a sudden halt between the eighth and ninth.

She sat deep, feeling the quiver of anxiety beneath her, and dropped her hand. She tilted her head down, her chin resting against her stock tie.

The whistle blew.

With a trained response, Chariot burst into a canter as soon as Akko took the reins back. Akko turned her slowly, sitting deep in the saddle and making sure her shoulders were back just as Diana had instructed, and guided her around the outside of the arena to get a straight approach at the first fence.

Without loosening her grip on the reins, Akko slid her hands forward and gave Chariot a bit more freedom. The mare took it greedily, her lengthening strides engulfing the ground beneath her. The pounding of her hooves rang loud in Akko's head, rivaled only by the drumming beat of her heart as her adrenaline surged.

Wait, wait, wait—

Chariot launched over the first vertical, clearing it easily, and Akko let her eyes fall on the second jump right as she reached the peak of her jumping position. Her mare landed on her left lead and curved in the direction that Akko's torso had twisted. Akko took advantage of her mare's agility and spliced through the wide turn she'd originally planned, shaving seconds as she took the second jump at a bit of an angle.

Straighten up, three strides, jump.

The next two strides were short and Akko caught her pony in the mouth just as they landed from the middle jump in the combination, forcing Chariot to rock back onto her hindquarters. Her nose snapped up, nostrils flaring, and her hooves slammed down as she bound forward and soared over the triple oxer.

Akko was already turning over the fence, her left arm leading away from the mare's neck to communicate her intentions. The chestnut mare landed with a huff and took off, fighting the bit and the slight restraint Akko kept her under, and took the fifth at another angle. Her hoof scraped against the top rail of the fence, but it stayed.

Another sharp turn to the sixth, another angle at the jump, another quick straighten-out before three strides to the seventh-

She swung hard to the right, forcing Chariot to swap her leads with the skip of her legs, and sat back hard as she rounded the turn. The swift and tight maneuver was a breeze for the mare, who was used to turning on a dime in Mounted Games, and she twisted her athletic body with hardly a hesitation in her stride and soared over an oxer. It was a three-stride bending line, but that was no big deal to the pair, who simply leveled out the gentle curve and they easily cleared the ninth. Another swap back to the left lead.

Three more. Just three more.

Akko's heart was racing with excitement a she swung back out to the rail, her legs tightening against her mare's sides as she asked for more speed. Chariot responded immediately, bolting forward, her tail lifting and slapping against her hindquarters as her front hooves grappled against the air. The tenth fence took a half-halt to regather the mare, who came in a little short, and so Akko pushed her on after to try to get the distance—

It was supposed to be five strides, but the ground-devouring pace that Chariot had eased her way into took it in four. It was a huge oxer and Akko let torso roll with Chariot's body, curving against the arch of her neck, her hands following the natural tug of the bit as she let the mare have as much freedom as she dared.

The last fence would be the most challenging. It was a tight rollback and a three bar vertical to boot, and so Akko landed and slammed herself backwards, her shoulders tipping dramatically as she gathered the reins back and held Chariot tight. Her sides were heaving as she rolled onto her hind legs and launched into the air, egged on by a swift kick to the side by Akko's heel, and she flew over the last fence with inches to spare and took off at a gallop.

The pair crossed the finish line and continued on. Akko let the reins slip through her hands as she rose in the stirrups, grinning with pride at the performance her mare had put forward, and slapped her neck in a loud, hard pat.

She dared to look at the scoreboard, at the bright red letters that glared over the arena.

Three seconds.

They had shaved three seconds off the best time of the day and there were only two more riders left to go. Miss Callistis was clapping loudly and energetically as Akko and Chariot trotted from the arena, the rider sloppy and bouncing in the saddle with glee, the pony heaving and snorting with exhaustion.

"That," Miss Callistis said, a wide grin spreading further across her freckled face, "was extraordinary."

Annabel, at her side, gave her two thumbs up. "Nice ride, Akko!"

"Thanks!" Akko kicked her legs out of the stirrups and scratched the white spot on Chariot's withers. She took a deep breath to calm her aching lungs and grinned.

"Now go get her cooled out and taken care of," Miss Callistis murmured, stepping forward to scratch the pony's forehead. Chariot leaned into the touch, anxious for her post-ride scratches, and wiped a nostrils full of snot across the instructor's coat. Miss Callistis ignored it and chuckled. "You have two rides tomorrow and the courses will be tougher. Rub her down with a little bit of Vetrolin."

"'Kay," Akko said, though as she walked away, she already knew that she most certainly wasn't headed in the direction of the stables. She had never seen Diana ride in a competition before and she felt anxious as she and Chariot lumbered across the show grounds. She was determined to surprise the other girl by showing up in time to watch and so she forced the pony along at a quick clip. Her mare's breath rolled in rumbling snorts and her head bobbed with remnants of energy.

Akko sat, relaxed, her legs dangling uselessly at her sides, the reins clutched loosely in a single hand as she guided her pony. She could see the riders gathered around the Hunter ring ahead, the flashy chrome chestnut in the arena taking massive jumps with ease and poise. The jumps were significantly bigger than the ones in her competition, though she pegged that as a result of a size difference.

Ahead, next to a group of other horses, was Cello and Hannah. Hannah was grinning and laughing with the other riders. Cello stood quiet, asleep, with his hind leg cocked at an angle as his rider goofed off with her companions.

And, a few yards off, under a tall oak tree that cast a long shadow across brown-green grass and part of the arena, was Diana. She and Beatrix looked picturesque, elegant, and Akko sucked in a breath as her eyes ran over the pair. The tall bay mare's mane was perfectly braided into tiny black knots that ran over her muscled neck. Even her tail was done: a French braid flowed down the top and into the long, wavy black hair that swayed around the mare's pasterns. Her black hooves were polished and glistening in the sun, her dapples shimmering beneath the shiny coat.

And Diana… looked incredible.

She was wearing a tweed grey hunt coat that hugged her body perfectly, spotless white breeches, black tall boots that were polished to perfection. Her gloved hands were resting at Beatrix's withers, fiddling with the reins as she stared straight ahead. The blonde bun sticking out of her helmet was flawless, not a hair out of place.

Akko had been so busy studying the pair, admiring her crush and the beautiful horse, that she hadn't noticed the person standing next to Diana. So when her crimson eyes fell onto the tall brunette, she took a sharp breath and tugged Chariot back to a stop.

Chloe was standing next to the pair. Akko recognized her easily. It was hard not to. Long, thick, perfectly straight brown hair fell over her back and shoulders, rolled and shimmered with each turn of her head. She looked out of place in her navy peacoat, her tight jeans, and her black boots. More like she should be walking through London to go to work at a law firm than standing at a horse show in the middle of York. And she was… really pretty. Akko hadn't had time to notice at the bar because she'd been so wrapped up in how her body was responding to Diana. But now her mind was blank with confusion and the hot burn of uncertainty, and so her eyes ran over the other girl with something akin to admiration.

Akko hesitated. If Chloe was bothering her, then she should certainly go interfere and tell the other girl off. If Bedford had been any indication, Diana was far from fond of her ex-girlfriend. But, somehow, this seemed… different.

Chloe's hand was resting on Beatrix's shoulder. Her body was close to Diana's leg as the two stared ahead, watching the chestnut clear the final fence to a round of reserved applause. And, as Akko watched, Chloe turned to Diana and flashed a bright, friendly smile.

Her jaw tightened, a fog lifting into her eyes. She could feel her blood boiling beneath tingling skin, raw with the sharp stab of jealousy. The sight of the two girls together, of Chloe's confident smile and Diana's unwavering stillness, made her numb.

Akko's gaze wavered. For a moment, she noticed Hannah looking to her. The girl's stare flickered between Akko and Diana and she straightened in her saddle, waking Cello from his stupor with a snort of surprise.

She had wanted to watch Diana ride. She had wanted to see the girl she liked at her happiest, at home on her horse and in the arena that she dominated. She… didn't want to watch what she was seeing.

And so she took a deep breath, turned Chariot around, and walked away.

Diana was acting strange.

She was silent on the van ride back to the lodging, staring down at her fidgeting hands and ignoring the excited chatter of the two teams after a full day of riding. They'd had no interaction for the rest of the day, which was unsettling in itself, but the fact that Diana had walked directly by her stall with Beatrix and said nothing—not even congratulating Akko on her first place—had sent a shiver of anxiety up Akko's spine.

Even now, as Diana sat next to her, a relaxed thigh pressed up against Akko's own, there was the gnawing sense that something was wrong. Akko swallowed hard, watching the blonde out of the corner of her eye. Diana simply gazed through the window at the passing scenery, her body still and unmoving, her teeth rolling over her bottom lip and biting at the wind-chapped skin.

If Akko had expected some sense of comfort, she didn't find it in Diana's actions. She didn't know what to say, and so she'd said nothing at all. It felt weak, but she didn't trust the insecurity and the anxiety that would certainly lace her voice if she spoke to the other girl.

When they got back to their lodging, Diana dropped her bag on a stiff armchair near the bed and immediately dismissed herself to the shower. Akko sat down on the bed, unsure how to proceed but gathering the determination and trying to reassure herself that everything was normal and Chloe had nothing to do with anything and was only being friendly. She flipped through nearby pubs and restaurants on her phone, trying to find some place that Diana might like to go. She'd never been to York, but downtown was only a quick and inexpensive Uber ride away and everything seemed pretty close together.

She looked up when Diana finally came out of the washroom. The other girl was already dressed, her wavy blonde hair still wet and limp around her pale face. She looked upset, her eyes red and puffy, and Akko took a deep breath and tried to act normal like she'd told herself to do—it's not you, Akko, you didn't do anything—before saying, "There's this pub downtown that looks pretty cool, if you're in the mood for that kind of thing. Or we can go somewhere else. Wherever you like. I've never been here so…"

Diana leveled blue eyes to Akko's and frowned.

"I… um… do you mind if we take a rain check?"

Her eyes were glistening like there was a sheen of liquid over them and Akko swallowed hard as she took in the sight, her breath catching in her throat at the words and the aura of sadness that surrounded the blonde.

"I… would like to go. But not tonight," Diana murmured. She swiped the back of her hand across her cheek and Akko rose, stepped forward.

"Diana." Her eyebrows knit together with confusion. "What's wrong?"

Diana's hand lingered at her face. She squeezed her fingers against the bridge of her nose and closed her eyes, taking a shaky breath. When she opened them, Akko swore she saw a tear leak from the corner of her eye, but Diana's hand was swift to swipe it away as she stepped back.

"If you'll just…" Her voice broke. "Excuse me."

Diana turned on a heel and left. Just left. She didn't even bother to take her jacket, she just grabbed the door handle and stormed out before Akko could even move, before Akko could even react.

Akko stared after her, breath quivering and hitching, stomach turning with anxiety. The room was empty and silent and Akko suddenly felt so painfully alone.

She thought back to the morning, to how quiet Diana was. To the show earlier. To Chloe. To the two standing together, to Chloe smiling. But Diana had kissed her good luck, and she'd brought her hot chocolate and given her gloves…

But then she'd cancelled their date?

Her head throbbed with an ache from both dehydration and stress. She rifled through her bag and found some ibuprofen, took it with a long swig of water, and laid back on the bed to stare at the ceiling.

Akko didn't understand. Everything was so horribly confusing.

And that was the worst part.