AN: The muse is back you guys! And this chapter is nice and long. I feel pretty good about it, too. I am officially on Christmas break, so hopefully the lack of school will mean that my muse will stay cooperative for a while. I only have a few more chapters left of this. I want to thank all of you who review and who have stayed with me through this. I know I'm horrible at replying to reviews, but I do read each and every one of them and they always make me feel awesome and give me the motivation to try and make quick updates.
She was going to kill Noel, of that, she was certain. The Number Four (or was it Five) could not stop talking. They had been travelling from the Yoma's nest for two days, and while Sophia had sensed how distraught Ilena was, Noel was oblivious. She kept on and on about all the reasons why she was higher ranked than Sophia, and kept bringing up all the reasons why Teresa would probably beat them all. Ilena would have much preferred to travel in peace and quiet. Even Priscilla, young as she was, had noticed the Captain growing more and more irritated.
"Noel," Sophia began as Ilena's clenched fists began to tremble. "I bet you I can stay quiet longer than you."
"What? No way," the shorter warrior scoffed. "I can do anything you can do, but I can do it better."
"Alright. Prove it." Noel opened her mouth to retort, but her eyes widened then narrowed, and she pursed her lips with a small 'hmph' as she realized what Sophia was trying to do. Ilena felt some of the tension leave her body as she walked beside Priscilla. She would have to thank Sophia later.
The youngest of their group eyed her nervously, but she refrained from speaking as they walked. The girl seemed to have at least some idea of self-preservation, unlike Noel.
"We'll arrive in an hour," she said quietly to the group after a while. "She will sense us coming. Are we all clear on what to do?"
"Yeah, yeah," Noel said with irritation. "We go in try to distract her and then little Miss Priss here comes and cuts her down from behind. She'll never see it coming."
"This is completely dishonorable," Priscilla protested. "How can you condone that kind of plan?" And here Ilena lost her patience. It had been grinding on her for a week now. She had been forced into the position of leading the team that would attempt to bring about the death of the only person she had ever cared for. The injustice was something she tried hard to reconcile. She knew why she had been chosen, and it was not simply because she was the Number Tw-Three. It was because no one knew Teresa better. No one knew the Number One's weaknesses, if she even had any, better than she did. And the hope was that she would be able to distract Teresa long enough for the others to...finish the job. The Organization thought that because of their past relationship, Teresa would be unwilling to hurt her. Ilena had not bothered to tell them how wrong they were. Teresa would not spare her. She would not spare any of them.
"Child, you have no idea what we are up against," she hissed lowly, spinning around to face Priscilla fully. Noel and Sophia both winced, recognizing the tone. "Teresa of the Faint Smile is more fearsome and powerful than anything you have encountered thus far. She will not hesitate to kill you. She will not show you compassion because you are young." Ilena fought against the lump in her throat, struggling to keep her pain from showing on her face. "She will not go easy on us because we were once friends. Do not believe anything Ermita told you. This will most likely end with all of our deaths." She took a deep, steadying breath. "She will recognize my aura. Only you, Priscilla, will have the element of surprise. Our only chance is to use that. I will not be able to distract her for long. Remember not to harm the child." Ilena did not give them another glance as she trudged off down the path again, and only Sophia noticed how her stride was slightly less graceful than normal, her movements stiff and jerking.
"Jeez, what a vote of confidence," Noel muttered, more than loud enough for Ilena to here.
"Shut it, Noel," Sophia snapped back. She sighed and shook her head before following Ilena. The tallest of the four, the oldest of the four, the loneliest of the four once again pushed down her pain, knowing that if they had any chance at all, she would need a clear mind. She could worry about the aftermath later, if she survived. Only then, only after she had rid the world of the rebellious Number One, would she begin to contemplate how she would survive. Or how she would not. No matter what happened, Ilena knew she was walking towards the event that would irrevocably change her life.
"That's another one," Galatea grimaced from her place next to Ilena. "Another mid-level warrior."
"How many does that make now," Flora asked from behind them. The three of them were on scout duty at the moment, away from the main group which was safely tucked away at the base of one of the low hills of the Eastern country.
"Six since yesterday morning," Ilena answered clinically, keeping her voice calm, "and fourteen in total. It would be safe to assume that an equal number have been coming in from the other side, out of our range." From their position, they could only sense warriors travelling from the West and the South.
"How did they find out we were coming?" Flora's voice held all the worry that Ilena felt.
"We may never know," she replied, knowing it was an inadequate answer. "It is possible Fiona warned them and that they have been watching us since then. It is possible that they have spies in the towns we have used for shelter." She sighed and leaned her back against the rock they were hiding behind. All of them had their auras suppressed to the point where only an accomplished and powerful warrior would be able to detect them. "There are any number of reasons. But that no longer matters. It is done, and we have to figure out how to keep the advantages we still have." Ilena closed her eyes and furrowed her brows as a nagging thought pushed its way to the front of her mind, one that she hated seeing, but that she could not ignore. Not when its logic was too sound for her to dismiss in the face of growing opposition.
"Ilena?" Galatea's concerned voice broke through her thoughts. "Are you alright?"
"Yes, I'm fine. Just thinking." She gritted her teeth. It would have to be done. She could see no other way around it, not now that the Organization was calling back its warriors. Not if she wanted to ensure everyone's safety. She would not have another team die on her. Noel and Sophia's faces, flashed in front of her eyes. Priscilla's screams as she awakened echoed in her ears. Not again. Never again. She would die first. "Galatea?"
"Yes?"
"The offer you gave me after our first encounter with Riful..."
"Yes?" Galatea narrowed her eyes, and Ilena could practically see the wheels spinning in her mind as she tried to guess where this conversation was going.
"Does it still stand?" Ilena kept her voice quiet and her eyes down. She hated that she felt the need to bring this up again. She hated that she felt inadequate the way she was. If there had been no one else for whom she was responsible, this would never have become an issue, but as it was, she held the futures of ten other lives in her hands-hand. Her personal feelings would have to be put aside. It was for the good of all of them, though, even if she had thought the matter closed and done with.
"Ilena, I thought you didn't want it."
"Wait," Flora interrupted. "What offer? What are you talking about?" Galatea turned her head slightly to face the younger woman.
"I offered Ilena one of my arms to replace the one she lost," she explained softly. "As a defensive warrior, I would have been able to grow it back. But...Ilena declined." Her head swung back around to look at the older warrior questioningly.
"Things have changed," Ilena said, not elaborating. "Does the offer still stand?"
Galatea though for a while, tilting her head to the side. "We cannot do it here. They will notice the yoki output." Ilena's body relaxed visibly as she realized that Galatea would help her. The woman was very private, much like Ilena herself, and tried to keep out of other people's business, unlike some members of their group. She did not ask for more reason than the one Ilena had given her.
"Of course. But I would also like to do it before we return." Galatea raised a brow, waiting for Ilena to explain. "I don't need their opinions on this," she said softly. "They will each have one and they will want to voice them. The decision is made and it would best not to waste time. I will need to become used to having a left arm again, so time is of the essence."
"Alright, then," Galatea nodded. "But just remember that I've never done this before, and there's no guarantee. Your wound has been healed for quite some time now. We will have to make a new one. It may not cooperate."
"I understand." Ilena pushed herself up with her single arm, Galatea and Flora following suit. She was eager to get her plan underway, though she was dreading the conversation with Teresa that was sure to follow. She wanted to have it done before the other woman could have a chance to realize what was happening. She did not think that Teresa would try to talk her out of her decision. No, Teresa would support it, but she would also want to talk about it to make sure that it was really what Ilena wanted and not just something she felt she needed to do for the good of the group. Ilena sighed. This was going to be hard enough with just that little nagging voice inside her that sounded terribly close to Teresa's. The real thing would know immediately that Ilena was not doing this for herself, that she still felt like she deserved the loss of her arm. The real Teresa would make her admit to her feelings. And that was something she just could not deal with at the moment. Better to get the arm and face Teresa's disapproval later, after the deed was done.
When they had reached a distance that Galatea deemed appropriate, they halted. The two who would be on the giving and receiving ends of the transfer removed their cloaks. Ilena looked down at her left shoulder, at the space where her arm had been, and tried to center herself. This was necessary. This would not make her a worse person. Her self-hatred would not be lessened by refusing to take the arm.
"I am ready," she announced. Galatea nodded.
"Okay. Here goes." She drew her sword and carefully lined it up with Ilena's shoulder, preparing to make the strike. Ilena pulled her hair around so that it rested over her right shoulder and out of the way, making sure that she did not look at Galatea's sword. Anticipation made the pain worse. She caught the flash of silver as the sun reflected off the metal, but soon her vision blurred for a moment as the sword met her flesh and quickly passed through it, opening a clean wound through the muscle and bone.
She gritted her teeth against the sharp cry of pain that bubbled in her throat. Steeling herself, she glanced down to see the harsh red of her blood spilling from the wound. Not so bad. Nothing she had not felt before.
"Flora, I'll need your help for the next part," Galatea said as she placed the bloodied sword under her own arm. "I won't be able to hold the arm in place and control the yoki flow for both of us." The girl nodded her understanding, though she did not speak and her face looked a little pale. Galatea screwed her face up in preparation and swiftly thrust the sword through her flesh and bone. "Oh, Gods!" She screeched. "You didn't say it would hurt that much!" Flora caught the arm before it hit the ground, staring at it with a mix of horror and reverence.
"I'm sorry," Ilena said sarcastically. "Would that have made you more inclined to follow through? Should I have told you that it felt like fire in your bones?" She probably should not have been so harsh, but the pain clouded her judgment, and she had little patience for Galatea's naivety. What had she expected it to feel like? She had suffered traumatic damage before, at Ilena's own sword no less. Surely she had anticipated the level of pain? Galatea dropped her sword and pressed her hand over the wound, stemming the blood to give herself time to work on Ilena.
"Probably not, but still," she muttered. She staggered over to Flora and motioned for her to hold the arm up to Ilena's shoulder. "Line the wounds up as best you can. The yoki will do the rest." Flora obeyed, and Ilena hissed as she placed Galatea's arm against the open wound of her shoulder. The sensation was one that she hoped never to feel again. It tested even her resilience and tolerance to pain. Then, Galatea placed her remaining hand over the place where the arm met Ilena's shoulder and concentrated on helping Ilena focus her yoki.
Ilena closed her eyes, keeping her yoki flowing in the right direction, never letting it spread further in her body. Soon, she began to feel the sensations from the attached arm. It was …..odd. So very much like the one she lost, yet so very different. She could already tell that it was slightly more sensitive to temperature. It was also a fraction longer and a shade or two darker than the one she had lost.
As the skin closed and the muscles finished knitting together, Flora stepped back, wiping the blood off her hands which shook slightly. Ilena lifted the foreign arm, flexing the hand and fingers in front of her face. She twirled the wrist, testing its dexterity and was pleased to discover that it was responsive and sensitive. Beside her, Galatea was busy coaxing a new arm to grow from her own shoulder, the bones and muscle looking grotesque as they twisted and turned, slowly forming a recognizable shape.
"How long will it take you to regenerate?" Ilena asked, still testing her new appendage.
"I'm not sure. I've never lost a limb before," Galatea admitted, her breathing slightly labored. "I'd say, no more than two hours. I need to be careful to make sure all the tendons form correctly. If I had more practice, I could do it faster."
"Ah, but then you should be thankful that you have not had the opportunity to practice just yet." She picked up her cloak and shook it out before draping it back over her shoulders. "Although, I did almost manage to detach it in our fight."
"Almost being the operative word." Galatea stood up straight and sheathed her sword. "Reconnecting tissue is much much easier than regenerating it from scratch." She looked at her growing arm and frowned. "And this is certainly not very attractive."
"I don't mind." They both looked at Flora whose eyes widened and cheeks turned red as she realized what she had said. Her delicate hands came up to cover her mouth. "Oh...oh my." Her words were slightly muffled by the obstructions of her hands, but Ilena heard what she said clearly. "I... I..."
"Really?" Galatea sounded hopeful. Flora blushed harder and nodded.
"Oh, gods," Ilena muttered. "You like her and she likes you. Everyone clear?" Galatea joined Flora in her blush, but they smiled at each other, relaxing. "Good, now let's get going. They'll have probably felt the yoki output and will be wondering what happened." Teresa would be wondering if she was hurt. Ilena hated that she was causing the woman more worry. Their lives had been stressful enough as of late. The day when they could simply relax with Clare without a concern in the world could not come soon enough.
"Fine, fine." Galatea led the way as the three trekked across the rocky, barren ground. "How's the arm feel?"
"Different, but I will be able to grow accustomed to it," Ilena answered. "The yoki level is not so different from my own."
"That is good."
"Thank you, Galatea."
"It was nothing."
"It certainly was not nothing," Ilena insisted. "You cut your own arm off for me."
"It grows back."
Ilena snorted. "Still, that does not diminish the pain. I know that pain, Galatea, so don't try to tell me it was nothing." The taller woman shrugged and looked away, pleased with herself.
"You were both very brave," Flora piped up. Galatea beamed at her. Ilena rolled her eyes. As adorable as it was, Ilena was ready for the two warriors to move out of the puppy-love phase. It really could be quite nauseating at times, and she was already irritated from the now echoing pain and the anticipation of a less than pleasant conversation with Teresa.
It took them only a quarter of an hour to reach the rest of the group, and Ilena could see Teresa's worried face as they drew closer. The worry turned to confusion as her eyes fell to Ilena's new left arm and Galatea's still forming one, and then morphed into comprehension tinted with anger.
"What the hell, Lena?" she growled as soon as they were close enough. "What the hell is going on? You risked giving away our position?"
"It was necessary," Ilena ground out. "We saw six more warriors walking toward Headquarters. They are gaining numbers as we speak." She lowered her voice, aware of their audience. "We waited until they were out of range. No one but you felt it." Teresa's eyes softened fractionally.
"Still...I was under the impression that you did not want a new arm." She sounded slightly hurt.
"I don't, but I'll need two if we want to make up for losing the element of surprise." Ilena crossed her arms over her chest, realizing just how much she had missed being able to do so. "Besides, there will be so many more people to fight now. We need every advantage."
"Lena, you shouldn't have done this if it's not what you really want," Teresa said softly, fulfilling Ilena's predictions. "We could have handled it just fine."
"If it means that I can keep Flora that much safer, or that I don't have to kill one of the other warriors, then it will be worth it," she said fiercely, hating that she felt the need to defend her decision. "I am a good warrior with just one arm. I know that. But I am a great warrior with two. And we need all the great we can get. I won't let my pride and my self-pity get in the way of making the right choice." Teresa sighed.
"I just don't want you to do something that changes who you are and what you stand for," she said in response. "I had become used to you this way."
"You don't like the new arm? You'd rather I stayed crippled?" she asked, sticking out her bottom lip in a slight pout. Teresa's eyes widened.
"What? That's not what I meant, Lena!" She steered them away from the others who all looked curious for an explanation. "Of course I want you to be whole again," she continued as they moved out of hearing range. "I hated seeing you so broken."
"I know, Teresa."
"It's just..." The warrior glanced at the naked arm. "It's not you. It's hers. Now Galatea will always be with us in a way." Ilena snorted violently.
"That's what you're worried about? That the arm came from Galatea?"
"Well, yeah." She shifted slightly from foot to foot. "I mean...when we're...intimate...I'll keep thinking about how it's her hand." Ilena rolled her eyes, slightly amused but mostly irritated.
"You're ridiculous. It's my blood that runs through it. It is my mind that controls it." She tensed, and her eyes darkened. "If it makes you feel better, I'll never touch you with that hand." She brushed away from Teresa, but the other woman caught her by the arm, by Galatea's arm.
"No, Lena. I'm sorry." She shook her head with a slight smile. "You're right. That's ridiculous." She pulled Ilena into a tight, though quick, embrace. "I'm just being stubborn and silly."
"As per usual." But Ilena said it with a smile. "Come on. We should start moving."
"Oh, Lena," Teresa said, bringing the other woman's attention back to her. "I think, with all the incoming warriors, we should leave Clare and Cameron here. It will be safer for them."
"Clare won't like that," Ilena said with a raised brow.
"Neither will Jen," Teresa replied.
"Fair point." She glanced back to the group to see Clare excitedly showing Galatea something on her short sword. The girl had recovered quickly from her hormonal imbalance, though Ilena knew the worst was yet to come. She would enjoy the time they had with a happy Clare, and she would try to be patient with the girl when her hormones got the better of her. "I take it Clare was her normal self while we were gone."
"She was. I don't think they instantaneously become raging lunatics the moment they enter puberty," Teresa mused. "I believe it is a much more gradual process."
"I do believe you are correct." Ilena heaved a sigh. "Still, it would be best if we were extra sensitive to her in the coming months. She will probably react poorly to things that we do not anticipate her reacting poorly to."
"How exhausting," Teresa commented. "It's a good thing she's so adorable." Ilena cracked a smile and continued back to the group.
Once she had everyone's attention, she and Galatea explained the worsening situation, her decision to take the arm, and their slightly altered strategy where they would attack in groups of three instead of two. The warriors all nodded, their faces hardening as they mentally prepared for the coming battle. Surprisingly, Clare, while visibly upset at parting from Teresa and Ilena so soon, did not put up a fight. She accepted the decision as the best one. Upon seeing Clare's reaction, Jen, bit her lip and held her tongue, though Ilena could tell she desperately wanted to protest. Cameron kept a hand on her shoulder and assured her it would all be fine, that this was for the best. The quiet warrior then assured Ilena and Teresa that she would defend Clare with her life and that they had nothing to worry about.
"Don't think about us," she insisted. "We will be just fine. Focus on bringing down the Organization." She clasped hands first with Teresa and then with Ilena.
"Clare, I know I don't need to remind you," Teresa said to the child, voice just a little less steady than usual. "But I want you to be good for Cameron, okay? You do as she tells you because she's only trying to protect you just like Ilena and I would." Clare nodded, furiously blinking back tears. Teresa leaned down to embrace her tightly. "I love you. Stay safe." Reluctantly, she pulled back, and Ilena took her place.
"We will return as quickly as we can," the silver-haired warrior assured her. "Don't worry about us, alright? I love you, Clare. I love you so much."
"I love you, too," the girl mumbled back into her hair. Ilena felt the thin arms tighten momentarily around her before letting go. When she looked back into Clare's face, the girl had an expression of such determination across her features that Ilena could not help the pride that bubbled up inside her.
She and Teresa looked away politely as Jen wrapped her arms tightly around Cameron who kept assuring her that all would be fine. Before she could become too emotional, Jen pulled away and gave Cameron another nod.
"Let's go."
"Galatea, lead the way," Teresa said, holding her hand out in invitation. She glanced back at Clare once more, her expression unreadable, and followed after Galatea.
In the barren landscape of the Eastern hills, they did not lose sight of Cameron and Clare for a good five minutes, but eventually the two were merely specks in the distance.
"Everyone keep their senses open," Teresa told the group. "With all the incoming warriors, our risk of discovery has greatly increased."
"But they already know we're coming," Tera said softly.
"Yes, but they don't know exactly when," Ilena explained. "We still have a small element of surprise. Also, if we do encounter stray warriors, it would be best to take care of them out here rather than back at Headquarters."
"Do you think," Stella mused, "that they will be waiting outside or that they will attempt to lure us in and spring a trap?"
"They know that Ilena would be too smart to fall for that," Teresa answered, giving Ilena a sly smile. "They'll be waiting for us on the flat plains where their numbers will give them the greatest advantage."
"But even with all forty-seven, they can't beat us, right?" Allie asked with some hesitancy. "I mean, with Teresa, Ilena, and Galatea, they can't have someone more powerful. And the rest of us are all high ranking."
"Plus, the recent desertions and deaths means that most of them are either weaker than normal or less experienced," Kahlin added. "Even with our smaller numbers, we have the clear advantage." Ilena was glad to see that her group was in good spirits, that they were not disheartened by the increasing opposition force. She did, however, feel the need to remind them that becoming too prideful was equally as dangerous as becoming too fearful.
"Remember, though, that it does not matter how powerful you are," she said with a raised brow, "if you do not keep up your guard. One mistake is all it takes."
"Well, aren't you a ball of sunshine," Jen muttered. She had her arms crossed and a horrible scowl across her features. Ilena knew that she was not thrilled about leaving Cameron, not that Ilena could blame her. She was the only one separated from her partner, and she was one of their more volatile personalities to begin with.
"She's just being realistic," Galatea said, more softly than Ilena would have thought. Jen huffed and looked away. The group fell into an uncomfortable silence after that, no one wanting to say anything that might spark the tense atmosphere. Ilena would have tried to coax Teresa into conversation, but the other woman was lost in thought. She was so focused that Ilena did not have the heart to interrupt her.
Instead, she tried to formulate a new plan to accommodate the new factors. She had already come to the conclusion that they would need to reconfigure the teams. Three warriors instead of two. Teresa would have to work with a team, too, no matter how much she protested, if only to make sure of the safety of the other two with her. The three most powerful were herself, Teresa, and Galatea. Each would be a team leader. The three weakest were Flora, Stella, and Jen, with Flora having the least experience, though she had more raw abilities. That left Allie, Kahlin, and Tera in the middle. Mentally, she assessed their strengths and weaknesses, their personalities, how well they would work together, and she was able to formulate three teams. She would be with Flora and Allie. She wanted to keep a close eye on the youngest member, and she trusted Allie to be steadfast and obedient. Teresa would get Jen and Tera. She would best be able to control Jen, and Ilena already knew that she worked very well with Tera. That left Galatea leading Stella and Kahlin. Both had a decent amount of experience, but were calm and collected, good choices for a less experienced leader.
"Right, okay," she announced, gaining the attention of the others. "I know we're all a little on edge because of what's to come, but I have tweaked our plan somewhat to account for recent developments." Now she had the attention of all of them. "It is unlikely that we will be able to make it inside Headquarters before we meet resistance. Therefore, we will have teams of three instead of two since there will not be as much ground to cover and there will be more opponents."
"Like three mini hunting parties?" Stella seemed slightly amused as she considered the implication. "The hunters become the hunted."
"In a sense," Ilena agreed. "Though our intention is to incapacitate if possible. I will lead Flora and Allie. We will approach from the west. Galatea, you will lead Stella and Kahlin and approach from the north through the most mountainous area. Galatea, your abilities will help lead you through while avoiding other warriors or catching them unaware." The tall warrior nodded. "And that will leave Tera and Jen with Teresa. The three of you will come in from the south."
"Sounds good to me," Teresa agreed. "You two better not slow me down, though," she said to Tera and Jen. Ilena rolled her eyes.
"Remember to work as a team. Protect each other," she continued. "Follow your Captains. Arguing will only serve to distract you. Is everyone clear on this?" They all nodded, and Ilena smiled. "Alright, good. We'll split up at dawn and continued in our separate groups. So...if you need to say anything to anyone...say it tonight." They all understood her meaning. There was a possibility that not all of them would survive. Galatea looked somberly at Flora, her face twisting into an almost unreadable expression, but Ilena saw the fear and the pain. It was so unfair. They had only just found each other. As Ilena looked between them, she knew that she would do whatever it took to keep Flora safe so that she and Galatea could have a future together. More time to grow together. Things she wished that she and Teresa had been able to have.
She gave Flora, who had been walking next to her, a push on the back, nodding in Galatea's direction. "Go." The girl swallowed and nodded. As she watched them lean into each other, she felt a hand on her shoulder and turned to look at Teresa with a small smile.
"They will be fine," she said quietly so that only Ilena could hear her. "They all will. I'll make sure of it."
"You?" Ilena raised a brow. "Quite sure of yourself, aren't you?" Teresa's smile widened, and she placed a gentle kiss on Ilena's temple.
"Mhm. I am." She let her hand stroke Ilena's new arm, her fingers dancing across the sensitive skin. "I mean, I am Teresa of the Faint Smile, am I not?"
"Last time I checked," Ilena replied, enjoying the sensations from Teresa's fingers. It seemed that some of Galatea's ability had managed to stay in the arm she had given Ilena. She could feel the subtle changes in Teresa's yoki flow in the hand that touched her, and it was almost as if the skin of the new arm could receive Teresa's emotions as well. It was incredibly strange but not unpleasant, especially since Teresa's emotions consisted of quite a lot of love for her. And it also gave Ilena some insight into Galatea's mind. Her ability was so much more than what Ilena had inherited. The sheer amount of information her mind had to sort at any given moment when surrounded by so many Claymore was astounding. She had a new found respect for the young woman. It seemed to be an ability that she could not simply ignore as Teresa ignored hers. It was 'on' all the time.
"So," Teresa whispered in her ear, breaking her from her thoughts. "Is there anything you wanted to say to me? You know, just in case." Ilena snorted slightly.
"You know everything I feel about you," she said. "We have no secrets. I love you." Teresa looked slightly disappointed.
"Oh well, I know that...I just meant...If there was something you would only tell me if you thought we were going to die, what would it be?"
"I thought you said we weren't going to die?"
"We're not," Teresa said, exasperated. "That's why it's a 'what if' situation." They placed themselves behind Stella and Kahlin, who had their heads together, talking quietly as well while Jen trudged angrily in front of them, alone.
"If I thought I was to die, I would tell you to keep living." Ilena grasped her hand tightly. "I would not want you to …..." She swallowed. "I suppose, before we die, I would want you to know how much losing you ….hurt me. How much you mean to me."
"I know that, Lena. You don't have to tell me what happened while we were apart if you don't want to."
"I know. It's...It's only fair, though." She took a deep breath, lowering her voice even further so that no one but Teresa would hear her. "I was not...in my right mind for a while. I was convinced that it was best for us, for your safety, but...I did not handle it as well as you did." Ilena could not meet Teresa's eyes as she spoke, not wanting to see the pain that she knew was there. The pain that she could feel through Teresa's skin, through the skin of Galatea's arm. "I contemplated...ending my suffering." The fingers holding her hand tightened, and the hurt she felt emanating from Teresa increased tenfold. "I came very close on several occasions, but I...I knew that it would still hurt you, and I...that kept me going."
Teresa was silent for a long time. Long enough for Ilena to risk looking at her. She was facing resolutely forward, and Ilena could see the tear track running down her cheek.
"I had guessed," she finally said, voice hoarse. "But I didn't want...I didn't want to believe it." She closed her eyes, another tear leaking from between her lids. "It all comes back to me. To my mistakes. My fault."
"No," Ilena said firmly. "We'll not have this argument again. My actions were my own. It's the past, and I'll not have you feel guilty for this. I didn't tell you so that you would feel that way."
"I know. I'm sorry."
"Stop apologizing. We're going to spend today being happy, alright?" Teresa nodded as Ilena raised her brows. "Because I don't want to waste any more of our time together being sad."
"Okay." Teresa bit her lip and finally turned her head to face Ilena. "You're right, as always."
"We can talk about it more later," Ilena assured her. "When everything is settled and over. We'll take as much time as it needs." She felt Teresa relax. "Now, let's talk of other things. Happier things."
"I've been thinking about that dog for Clare," Teresa said lightly, though her voice was still a little shaky. "I think that it would perhaps be better if we got her a wolf instead."
"A wolf? That doesn't sound safe."
"Wolves are just misunderstood," Teresa argued. "If we raise it from a pup, it will be loyal. And they protect their pack, too. I'd like to think that she had some sort of protection if we ever had to leave her."
"I can't decide if that is the most idiotic thing I've ever heard, of the most brilliant."
"Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference."
Ilena chuckled and smiled as she listened to Teresa ramble on about the benefit of different dog breeds, and how wolves were superior to all of them. Occasionally, she interjected with her opinion, but mostly she just listened to Teresa's voice, enjoying the flood of emotions she felt through their entwined hands. It was fascinating, and it was beautiful. She could get used to this new arm if it gave her such an insight into what Teresa was feeling. In many ways, the woman was still a mystery to her, and always would be. Ilena liked it that way, she decided. She liked puzzles, and Teresa was the biggest one of all. One she would always have to work on.
She would have to figure out the best way to tell Teresa that they could not have a wolf.