His Voice Of Reason
Author; Nightstar Fury of Nightstar Productions
Rated; M for Mature
Disclaimer; I do not own HTTYD, or any of the songs used in this story! :)
21; Can't Deal.
{Astrid's POV}
Yep, no going back now. I'd said it. That the reason I knew he was trying to commit suicide was because he left a message for Angel, and I was her. I saw the shock run across his face, the fear when he stumbled back after I'd said it. But what broke me the most inside was seeing him about to cry. Nothing hurt more than that. I saw Heather come behind Hiccup and put her hand on his shoulder comfortingly. "Hiccup? Is everything okay?" Heather asks.
"Get back inside Heather, I need to speak to Astrid alone..." Hiccup said coldly, I bit my lower lip. Oh Gods please don't hate me although I deserved it for this. I didn't blame him one bit. Heather shot me a deadly glare as she nodded and backed up a little.
"I'll be right inside if you need anything." Heather says.
"Shut the door behind you." Hiccup ordered, Heather stepped inside and shut the apartment door leaving just Hiccup and I outside now. It was cold, maybe I should of worn a sweater or something. Hiccup didn't say anything at first, then he took a breath. "That was cute, Astrid. Telling me your Angel, but come on. I know the rules of hotlines, workers can't meet their clients. That was good. Cheered me up a bit from earlier at school." Hiccup remarked.
He thought I was kidding?! Oh my gods, Stoick and his son were so similar. First Stoick didn't believe me when I called to tell him his son was trying to commit suicide, now Hiccup himself won't believe me when I'm telling him I'm Angel or...was since I didn't work for the hotline anymore. "Hiccup...no...I'm not...kidding. I'm Angel...I'm the girl you've been talking too for months." I tell him.
"Astrid, seriously. Jokes over...Did those idiots put you up to this to screw with me...I don't appreciate it. I actually really did like Angel but I know I'll never meet her so whatever." Hiccup shrugs.
"Hiccup! I'm not joking! If I wasn't her then how did I know about the voicemail you left at my desk with you saying goodbye? How did I break speed limits to get to your house to stop you from taking those pills? How did your dad find out about you trying to commit suicide...Its because I called the BPD and told him." I explain to him.
{Hiccup's POV}
At first, I thought she was kidding around to cheer me up. When she said it again I assumed Dagur, Snotlout, and Eret put her up to it. But when she got louder asking all those questions, I froze a bit. Okay yeah, that was a little odd how she knew all that. "Messages into the hotline are monitored and suicide prevention ones work close with the police. I could believe you work for the hotline, but I don't believe you're Angel. I know Angel...I talked to her. Its late, I got homework to do." I tell her.
"For Thor's sake, Hiccup...What do I have do to prove it to you. I remember everything you told me from the first conversation when you called by accident." Okay, that was specific.
"Alright, call me then or e-mail me. As Angel, do it." I tell her.
"I can't." I rolled my eyes. I knew she was bluffing.
"See. Angel wouldn't of held back. She called or e-mailed anytime I asked..." Hiccup remarked.
"I can't because I quit working for the hotline! So I lost my work e-mail and I can't call because I'm not there. I quit the night you tried to kill yourself, I told them I couldn't work there anymore because I broke the rules and got personal. Also, I couldn't keep doing it. Its too emotional." She tells me.
"Not buying it, Astrid. Sorry, its cute you want to try and cheer me up...But you're just making it worse by playing with my heart like this. I thought you were better than that." I went to go inside slowly.
"Wait...I can prove it. I have all our calls from my cell phone. When I called using *69." Astrid yells, I stop and face her as she has her phone out and showing me her call list where it said *69, and my number afterwards.
"You wanna prove you're Angel...Fine. What's the first thing I said when I called the hotline?" I ask her now with my arms over my chest.
"You told me you felt like no one cared, and would be better off without you. That you wanted to kill yourself." She replied. Okay that was true.
"What is the name I gave Angel of who I was?" I state.
"Ryder." Astrid says. I began to get a little nervous...was she...really Angel?
"What song did I sing to Angel the night before play tryouts?" I question her.
"Would It Matter by Skillet." Astrid says. My arms dropped from my chest. She answered every question right, my eyes widened now. Oh Gods...she...actually was Angel. Astrid was Angel...My body began to shake now, with anger or sadness I didn't even know. She was Angel! Or Angel was Astrid?
{Astrid's POV}
I watched his facial reactions change as I answered his questions. I knew now that he knew I was Angel, there was no denying it. He knew it for sure that I was her. I didn't say anything, I waited for him. "Do you believe me now?" I ask after 5 minutes of silence. Still nothing. "Hiccup?" I say stepping towards him, then he finally moved but he moved away from me. I saw his eyes narrow and I stepped back. I'd seen that look before and it was the night Hiccup beat Snotlout's drunken ass.
"HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME!" He snapped, I bit my lower lip again as tears formed in my eyes.
"Hiccup please...You have to understand..." I tried.
"NO! I don't need to understand anything other than you are...were Angel and you lied to me! You fucking knew who I was on the phone and you didn't tell me the truth!" He yelled.
"No...It wasn't...like that. Please...Just give me a chance to explain..." I begged him.
"Stay away from me!" I backed up more.
"Please...Please let me explain, Hiccup...You don't understand why I didn't tell you sooner..." I cried out.
"You literally had every chance to tell me the truth, Astrid. Every chance when we talked! We talked on the phone, in chat, and e-mail! Any of those times you could of just said 'hey by the way...we've met in real life before. I'm Astrid, we go to school together'!" Hiccup growled at me, tears in his eyes.
"Hiccup, I couldn't! Please let me..." He swatted his hand down to make me stop talking. I'd never seen him so upset or angry, this...looked worse than the night Snotlout almost raped Heather. And just like then, it was terrifying. Hiccup was an easy going guy until you made him mad and I knew I had.
"No! Just fucking no! I don't want to hear it! For all I know, its more lies. Those guys were right...Angel was just some girl at a desk getting paid to tell me what I wanted to hear." I cried more. "The only thing untrue about what they said is that I actually got to meet Angel...And she's nothing like I thought I knew...Angel...would never lie to me. Angel...doesn't exist. It's just Astrid Hofferson playing with the loser's heart right?"
"Hiccup no...No, gods no. I meant all the things I said to you..." I tried to tell him.
"How long have you known I was Ryder, how fucking long have you known who I really was..." He asked me, I lowered my head in shame now still crying.
{Hiccup's POV}
I couldn't believe it, she really was Angel. There was no denying her answers to my questions and given how ashamed she looked, I knew it wasn't a lie. How could she not tell me it was her the whole time, we literally saw one another every fucking day! She had every chance to tell me before now. "Answer me! How long have you known I was Ryder!" I yelled again.
"Since the day or tryouts when you sang Monster by Skillet...I-I recognized your voice from the phone when you sang to me the night before then...I just matched Ryder's stories to your life or what little I knew about it. The biggest thing was realizing Ryder had a twin sister who adored him and Heather...adores you, she's...also your twin." Astrid tells me. She fucking knew it was me for months and didn't say anything...? I couldn't...do this right now. I can't do it. No. I can't believe that...Angel, the girl I'd started falling for was Astrid who knew who I was and didn't tell who she was.
"So you've known for months that Ryder, was me...And every single day we saw one another after you found out he was me...you just chose not to say anything." I say hatefully.
"Hiccup please...I couldn't...tell you...It was, against the company policy..." She cried, oh that only made me more angry.
"Against the policy? Astrid you fucking told me you broke a lot of rules for me! To talk to me because you liked me!" I saw her flinch back. "You called me that night, from your cell phone because you were worried about. Were Dagur, Snotlout, and Eret right? That you didn't care. Of course you don't. If you really liked me then you wouldn't of lied to me. So it was all bullshit. You were just another worker with thousands of callers just like me but you told me I was special, how many other guys did ya tell that one too? Though hotline workers couldn't get personal. How many other guys did you give false hope of happiness to?"
"No—none! Hiccup...I swear on my life, I didn't tell anyone else what I told you! I meant what I said to you. I do like you, and I broke a lot of rules for you because I like you. I've never...called anyone else from my cell phone, never. Its...forbidden in the company but...I quit there. I quit the night you tried to commit suicide...Your dad almost told you that night in the hospital that it was me who called him..." I froze looking at her again. I saw her instantly clamp a hand over her mouth.
"My...dad has known you're Angel...? Who the fuck else knows, Astrid?! Who else knows I was talking to Angel and making a fool of myself?!" I yelled at her. She bit her lower lip now.
"Tuffnut, Heather...your dad..." My eyes widened. My father...and sister knew? "Hiccup please...Heather and Tuffnut...only just found out. Heather knew I worked at the hotline, so did Legs, Tuff, and Ruff but they didn't know you were talking to me. Tuffnut...put it together when you told your story in the support group...and Heather...found out earlier today when Dagur and Snotlout mentioned you talked to your suicide hotline girlfriend." Astrid explained.
Tuffnut broke the code of the support group. And Heather knew I'd been calling the hotline, she also knew now I was talking to Astrid the whole time? So everyone fucking knew but me! Gods damn it. I couldn't...do this. It was to much, all I felt was betrayal right now. I needed to...get away. Far away. "Leave, Astrid..." I told her.
"Hiccup please...give me a chance to explain things..." She asked.
"I said to fucking leave...I need to think. I need to be alone, and think before I fucking lose it..." I said again.
{Astrid's POV}
I bit back when he said that. This is what I was afraid of, him getting so upset that he didn't know what to do anymore. I didn't want him in a wrong mindset. I knew this was enough to push him. "Hiccup...Please..." I tried again.
"Leave, Astrid. Why is that so hard for you to understand, leave! I don't want to see you right now, or maybe never. I don't know. I don't fucking know anything other than I've been betrayed and lied too again! Its great to know that it never stops. I called that hotline needing help...Not more heartache and pain. Is that why you decided to tell me tonight? Because everyone knew and you didn't want anyone else telling me? I try and heal from everything and nope. You step in and try to finish me off by hurting me! Thanks a lot...Angel. I feel the love that you claimed you felt for me. That's why you saved my life, so you could come in and kill me yourself. You brought me up to tare me down again." He said softer now.
"No that's...not what I was doing...I do want to help you. Please...just let me explain..." I cried.
"No. No, I am done talking. I'm just so done...I'm sick of this...Every time I try to be happy...this shit happens. Leave, Astrid. Just go..." He tells me turning to go back in the house.
I tried to reach for him. "Don't walk away from me please...I love you!" I saw him stop and face me.
"What did you just say?..." He asked.
"I said...I-I love you. I fell in love with you talking to you as Angel...Please believe I never wanted to hurt you...My hands were tied at the time...I couldn't tell you..." I cried, he faced me with void eyes.
"You weren't supposed to do a lot of things but you did them anyway. Nothing stopped you from telling me the truth but your own self. You chose not to tell me who you really were. As for loving me, that's great for you and I wish I could say the same. But my feelings for Angel don't exist, because Angel doesn't exist." Hiccup said. I cried more. No. No. I couldn't lose him.
"Hiccup please..." I went to reach for his hand. "My feelings are real, I'm real. Angel is real, she's me..." I pleaded.
"Angel wouldn't have lied to me. And she did. You did. And since you lied then anything and everything you ever said to me was a lie and I can't believe you anymore. " He paused opening the door slightly, turning his head to face me as I had tears streaming down my cheeks. "Leave me alone, Astrid. I don't know if I can forgive this. You hurt me, something I didn't think you could ever do, as Angel or yourself...Whoever you are. You hurt me and what's worse is that I really did love you. But now...No. Right about now...I wish I never called that hotline and had just killed myself months ago. Because it would have been a lot less painful than this. To know the one I loved, first girl I ever liked lied to my face every single day for almost 3 months because she chose to." With that he entered the house and slammed the door in my face.
I couldn't believe what he said. He had...loved me back and was wishing he'd just killed himself months ago. What could I do? He didn't want to see me right now. I slowly moved to my car, crying my eyes out as I started it and left. I'd text Heather when I got home and ask if he was okay.
{Hiccup's POV}
As soon as I was inside, I avoided looking at Gobber and Heather. I just moved towards the hall where my room was. "Hiccup?" I stopped hearing Heather's voice.
"Don't act innocent, Heather. I know that you knew since this afternoon that I was calling the Not Alone Crisis Hotline and talking to a worker named Angel for months. I know that Tuffnut knows, and so does dad. I also know you know that Astrid was Angel. And I'm just as mad at you as I am at her...I don't hate either of you but I'm still pissed and it would be in your best interest to stay away from me right now so I don't snap..." Was all I said, then added. "I am going to bed. Goodnight." I moved down the hall without waiting for a response and entered my room. As soon as I shut the door I slid down it with my back against, crying into my hands over everything.
I must of cried for a good hour, checking the clock it was 7:15 or so. I couldn't do this. I didn't want to feel this pain. I didn't have another choice right now. I grabbed a piece of paper, wrote a note and left it on my bed. I got my keys, wallet, and notebook as I opened the window, then screen as I hopped out. I shut the screen once out, then moved to my car in the driveway. I got in, started it up and drove off. I knew where I could go, I hadn't wanted too but I couldn't handle this right now. I just couldn't.
{Regular POV}
Gobber and Heather had heard most of the fight, only when Hiccup yelled loudly. When he came in, and said what he said to Heather, she sighed heavily. She explained things to Gobber, and they decided they'd just leave Hiccup alone for a while and check in later. When that hour passed, Gobber was about to check on Hiccup when they heard Hiccup's car start and he drove off quickly. Gobber entered the room and saw the note, Heather came in worried for her brother as Gobber handed her the letter with a sigh. Heather took it and began to read it over.
Gobber & Heather,
Tonight was too much for me. I won't lie, learning that Astrid was Angel and everyone knew but me really hurt. I cried for an hour in this room and the thoughts of wanting to hurt myself to get rid of the pain consumed me. But instead, I decided to go somewhere so I can't hurt myself and figure things out. I'm going to Berk Psychiatric Hospital. I'm admitting myself under the pretenses that I feel like killing myself. I promise I won't be gone long, maybe. This was so I could make sure I didn't hurt myself, I hope you can respect that...and stay away. I need to be alone for a while. I'll text when I'm out. They'll take my phone while I'm admitted...Heather, tell Astrid I don't hate her but she did hurt me and I need time to heal. Thanks, Hiccup.
Heather pulled out her phone and texted Astrid, then put it away sighing. "At least he recognized he was in a bad mental state and chose to go to a place for help. He didn't cave and hurt himself again...He did what he felt was best to help him through this." Gobber told Heather. Nodding in agreement, she went to her room as Gobber locked up the house then relaxed on the couch.
{Astrid's POV}
I was sitting in my room crying when I heard my phone vibrate on the night stand, I hoped it was Hiccup but it was only Heather. I opened her text and read it word for word. -He doesn't hate you but you did hurt him and he needs time to heal. His words, not mine. He's not even here...He snuck out the window and admitted himself to BPH...He admitted himself to a mental hospital, Astrid...Under the pretenses he felt like killing himself tonight after crying for an hour. He said the pain was too much. He said he'll won't be gone, maybe...and to respect him by not going there. Don't feel bad...He's mad at me too. See you on Monday. I don't know if Hiccup will be with me or not.-
Hiccup...admitted himself to the mental hospital? Because he wanted to die over this. I didn't blame him and I did blame myself. I brought back his want to die. I was a horrible person. I didn't deserve Hiccup's love. I didn't deserve him. I laid down, and cried myself to sleep. I only hoped Hiccup was okay. That's all I wanted to know.