Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters.
A/N: What can I say? Sorry... Very late update, also the time man! It's like 3.35 am, insane! I am still writing this story (next chapters are in progress) and I'm still fighting with the ending, but please know that I am planning on ending this story. I was hoping to finish the story first and then update everyday, but that plan failed.
I'm sorry for any errors you may find, they're all mine.
And oh, it's December! I love this month! Christmas, New Year, happy times, the winter...Can't wait for the holidays to begin. I hope I'll post another update in about a few weeks. For now, I'm off for some sleep!
Enjoy!
Chapter 21 – Because I like you
There was one huge wall and it stood between Edward and me. It bothered me more than it should. Perhaps because I couldn't figure out where this hostility was coming from. If he didn't explain it to me, my mind would automatically search for reasons - as it was doing now. I really, deeply, truly hoped that during this evening, he'd rethink and just talk to me. That's all I wanted.
Sarah tugged my arm, pointing at a farm with cows that were lying next to one another, perhaps almost sleeping. I smiled, watching as did Sarah, until we passed them.
"Have you ever been up close to them?" I asked her.
Her previous comment was still very fresh on my mind. 'I know you're leaving tonight, but I like that I got to feel what it's like to have a mom. Even if you're not really my mom.'
That admission I would never forget. And it would break me, because something about Sarah held me tight. And the strangest part was... I didn't mind. I liked to be so fond of the kid. She was the unexpected, the gentle, that one person who'd leave an impression on you for the rest of your life. And I liked it very much that she too considered me important, but luckily she was a child. Children were resilient and once I left, she would forget me. Eventually, she'd fill her life with other people, and I would become Bella who?
"No," she said quietly.
"That's too bad. They are so huge up front, it's insane. They're friendly, though."
"Maybe we can visit a farm sometime together."
"Maybe," I agreed softly, looking away so she wouldn't see that I was confident that that maybe might never come.
Bright lights shone in our eyes.
FORKS POLICE HEADQUARTERS.
It seemed like we were all reluctant to go inside, but we had to. The police asked questions, then instantly showed us to a room when they realized the severity of our case. And then... It was as if something changed the rate of the clock and time went twice as fast. The lawyer which Carlisle and Esme had arranged, arrived shortly after we had and guided Edward and Sarah through the formal procedure. For me, this was new as well. My job was always done after the abuse was found. But I was mostly doing it for Sarah – and Edward who had asked me to.
Sarah sat between Edward and me. Her hand crushed mine under the table. It was clammy, but that was alright. I knew how badly she needed it. She was strong. I admired that about her.
I explained my role in the situation when I was asked, and also added that I was a social worker. Sarah reluctantly answered the questions that slowly unfolded the abuse - again. As she talked, Edward became a still statue, a tragic Greek God. I brought my free arm around Sarah to put my hand on Edward's back. He tensed, but I was glad he didn't tell me to piss off, though that would be impolite, given that we were in the same room with his daughter, the police and the lawyer.
After a moment it was decided that the police, Sarah and the lawyer needed a moment alone, so they went to a different room; she would probably be asked questions about being abused by Edward or not. Again, Edward was immobile, while Sarah's wide eyes pleaded with mine not to leave her alone. I quickly told Sarah that she needn't be nervous and that Edward and I were just around the corner and that she could trust the lawyer - even though I guessed he was 6'7 feet and his dead face showed no kindness. Also his name was a long Russian one which I couldn't even pronounce and I hoped I wouldn't be put in the position to have to do that, because that would be really awkward.
In the meantime, Edward and I were with two remaining police officers who were both looking at Edward's criminal record with unimpressed eyes. I, however, hadn't forgotten about the false charges. I explained the mistake and it took quite some time to be able to prove to them that I was truly the Isabella Swan whom had disappeared. I told them about running away, my dad, and even showed them my ID.
If they knew Charlie, I was utterly grateful that they didn't make a mention of it.
Until one of them asked flat out, "You're former Chief Swan's daughter, Isabella Marie Swan?"
He watched me pointedly, even though my ID card was in his hand and my face showed I was getting really tired of the same question.
"You're Isabella Marie Swan, the daughter of Chief Charlie Swan, who was a police officer here in Forks about ten years ago?" the second cop asked, as if his colleague hadn't asked it precisely enough.
"Nine," I corrected. "I already told you both my name."
They looked at one another, nodded, and one stood up and left the room. He didn't even excuse himself.
The remaining cop kept glancing at Edward's record and I felt Edward's stare on my face but I shook it off. I felt like they treated me like some criminal and that made me wonder...
Am I not a criminal for running away and not showing any signs of myself for nine years?
Like Edward had found out, I had no social accounts, I'd changed my phone number and after a few weeks, a bunch of social workers had moved me to Bremerton. Nobody else knew about that, not even Edward. I disappeared. Just like I wanted to, how selfish it may have been.
I forced myself to the present issue and showed the solid proof and effective measure to use against Tanya. I let the one remaining cop hear the recorder. He said he'd have to keep it as evidence. The part of me that could register that that recorder meant a lot to me, felt sad that I'd have to say goodbye to it, but I reminded myself that it was for a greater cause. I could buy a new recorder.
There was a knock on the door as a lady officer stepped inside with a stack of papers in her hand and a distracted look in her eyes, but here words were clear as daylight. She explained that an arrest warrant was given to the police, which authorized the police officers of Forks to arrest Tanya Denali.
Authorized the police officers of Forks to arrest Tanya Denali.
Arrest Tanya Denali.
I felt goose bumps over my arms and a shiver run down my spine; it felt delicious. Finally, finally that woman would serve for her wrongdoings. A calmness spread through my body, telling me it was going to be okay. At least for Sarah from now on, she'd never have to go through abuse by Tanya anymore.
Sarah was still with the lawyer in the other room. I glanced at the clock above to door - 11:02 pm.
Is it that late already?
The last cop stood up, went through the door and left Edward and I in an enclosed room. My eyes felt wide as they stared on, thinking of what this meant. In the meantime, I felt his eyes on me. Was he deliberately trying to make me nervous?
I stared ahead of my, trying my best to ignore the fire inside me.
"Are you absolutely certain that you're Isabella Marie Swan?" he asked with glee.
I snapped my head to him angrily, and said, "Shut up."
However some part in me was still curious and my optimistic side decided to give show to her appearance, especially now that Edward's mood had lightened.
"So do you want to tell me about what's up with you and Twilight?" I asked just as cheerfully.
It was as if I'd throw a rock at his head, because his face turned hard and he refused to answer.
I looked the other way, because my optimism was drown by my pessimistic side. I gave up whatever we'd established the past few hours. What more could I say? He'd given up and I had no more ideas to get him talking. It hurt to be rejected like this. All I wanted was to understand him, but there was no way of me finding out if he refused to speak to me. I supposed that it was best to let it go forever, because sometimes holding unto hope was worse than not hoping at all.
"Isabella Swan?" a cop asked which I hadn't heard enter the room.
Dear Lord, it was one of the cops again who'd preciously asked me about my name.
He looked at me and didn't wait for my response.
"Come with me, please."
That didn't sound too good...
I grew nervous, but tried to keep a poker face as I walked around the table, away from Edward, while heading to probably bad news.
"Isabella."
"Please, call me Bella."
"Ah, yes... It's good to see you."
I watched the elderly man strangely. The cop had led me to this stranger who apparently knew me from someplace.
"I apologize," I told him awkwardly, "but I'm not sure if we have ever met?"
"Oh, no, no, no, you see, Bella, I knew your father. I'm Billy Black."
I took a sharp intake of a breath, surprised at this turn of events.
"Okay..." I said, glancing at the walls.
"The chief and I used to work together often. He talked about you so much. You were a lucky girl to have him as a father."
We stared, my face probably resembling a corpse's one. I couldn't feel anything yet, I didn't want to.
"Okay..."
He scowled. "You see, he was very sorry for his mistakes. He told me, Bella."
I wanted to believe him, but he was a stranger. Believing such information wasn't easy for me.
"And he wrote a will. For some reason he changed it shortly after you left. Maybe some part in him knew that someday you'd come back."
He had a paper in his hand and handed it to me. I was afraid to take it, afraid it was something file, something worse than my darkest nightmares.
"He wanted you to have this. He made sure the entire Forks Police Corps knew about Isabella Swan and if you ever showed up, they would have to call me."
I took the paper from him but I was too scared to look down and see what was possibly written on it.
"He told me if you ever came back, to give you the will."
I nodded. Some feelings were arising, but I pushed them far away.
"Thank you for saving it for me," I replied.
I extended my hand and we shook briefly. I had to keep this conversation short, because it had barely been a day ago when I found out about my dad's death, let alone get his will and find one of his close colleagues.
After that I fled, because it's what I did best.
As Sarah stood before me, I felt it. Goodbye was impossible when you felt this strongly connected to somebody else. It didn't matter what I told Sarah, it would never be enough and eventually, I'd have to turn around and walk away. I had to keep this short.
"Sarah," I said quickly. "Now that the police knows the truth, they will help you and your dad with everything else."
I sounded formal...
"So therefor I'm going and I wanted to say goodbye."
Because if I put emotion in my voice, I'd break into pieces and Bree wasn't here to help me put the pieces back together. I had to wait until I was back in Bremerton before I broke down because of my dad's death, my connection with Sarah and Edward's refusal to talk. I had to wait just a few more hours... I could do that. I could wait. I had excellent patience skills.
She leaped forward and hugged me tightly. I hugged her too, briefly, and tears fell.
Shit.
My skills failed on me. Who had I been kidding anyway?
I brushed the tears away quickly so she wouldn't see and pushed her back.
"Take care, okay?"
I gave her the strongest smile I had in me to give, even though it felt wrong.
"Let your happiness be your compass, remember? It's the only guide you'll need."
"Bella, I don't want you to go. I-"
"I need to go, Sarah," I said, cutting down her words. "Goodbye, sweetie."
Right now.
I left the room, shut the door quietly. As I walked past the lawyer and the police, I managed a quick farewell. They seemed not to notice my distress, which I was grateful for. When I met the exit, I ran. I leaped into the car where Edward said he'd wait for me. Thankfully he was already in the car, watching me sadly as I stepped into the car. I didn't hear the songs from the radio or anything else around me. There was a buzzing in my ears and a heat in my eyes. My heart was racing as if the devil was behind my back trying to kill me. My sight was blurry, but I could feel Edward's eyes on me.
Shit.
I broke down and I was alone. Bree wasn't near.
"That bad?" he asked kindly.
His voice caused more tears.
"Just drive," I said brokenly, hoarsely, almost inaudibly with my head turned away from him.
The loud roar of the car soothed me, because it covered some of my loud gasping and crying. It felt as if somebody had ripped a hole in my chest, took my heart with it, leaving me with an empty chest.
Sarah, what have you done to me?
I did my very best to pull myself together, even if it was a little. I already felt like a fool, because of my current state right before Edward. He could see now how much that goodbye hurt me, because Sarah had become an important person to me in my life.
I'll never see her again. Not unless I come back someday.
Then again, why would I come back if Edward didn't speak with me? It was mental suicide if I came back to things I lost. I wanted to come back and say goodbye to my dad but I couldn't bear to come back for Edward and Sarah. Not if Edward acted like this.
"I quit smoking," he began saying casually, as if I wasn't breaking down right beside him. "There are days when I think of lighting one up. Do you have that as well?"
I wiped away my tears. He parked his car behind mine upon arriving at the center of Forks and turned off the engine. He turned his head to me.
"Sure," I muttered. "I never caved in though. Did you?"
"No, neither have I. Except now."
His eyes showed an emotion of not caring, one I couldn't put a name to because it was such a mixture of everything that came with giving up.
"I could easily cave in today once you leave."
He's obviously thinking about Sarah and Tanya's abuse.
He wasn't able to tell me what bothered him so much about Twilight. But this he was able to tell me?
He told me his old addiction was gaining up speed and he was about to lose that race. When somebody was able to admit such matters, they proved to me to be incredibly strong. Not many people dared to make such confessions. But it made no sense as to why he could admit this to me, while being unable to answer my other questions. He was able to tell me something so personal, which showed a weakness, but he couldn't tell me what bothered him about Twilight. It made no sense to me.
Was I not seeing something very obvious about Edward? Was I missing on something really simple that could explain all this behavior? He was after all only human and I'd been to college for years, had training for hours and worked my butt of to understand the human psychology.
"Edward," I muttered.
I supposed I was missing on something very simple, even with all my training. I had no clue why he was such a contradiction.
My throat felt dry. I tried to find something comforting to tell him.
"She told the police," I said, my voice a little raw. "Tanya is out of her life."
He shook his head. "Doesn't change the fact that she hurt Sarah. It happened right under my nose. I can't shake that off, I can't. I should've known better. I should've suspected it."
He looked away.
He's right, Tanya hurt Sarah.
But he wasn't right about having known better. He thought Tanya was a changed woman. He happened to be wrong. Everybody had at least once in their life trusted the wrong person, hadn't they?
I knew I had. I had mistrusted my ex. But that was something I never wanted to think about ever again.
I put my hand on his upper arm, leaned forward and kissed his cheek.
Completely on impulse, of course.
He shut me out, but I would never forget the kindness he showed me from the moment when I was in prison. He'd shown me whom he really could be and to have been shown just a glimpse of that made me happier than I could have ever imagined.
His guilty conscience of what he'd done to me and the abuse his daughter had been through these past years were not things he could easily abide. And I didn't blame him. Those were not easy things to forget.
"Don't cave in. You're stronger and smarter than you give yourself credit for. You know that that cigarette that you want to smoke won't be your last. So don't cave in."
Edward slowly turned his head and stared at me with a hard scowl and tight lips. Even a kiss on the cheek was not enough for him to soften up a little.
"Thinking about all the should have's and could have's won't make you feel better," I continued. "I've been there too, trust me. It's best to...keep a straight vision on the future. Sarah's only eight. She has the potential to become whatever she wants. She'll need a little therapy, her classmates might make fun of her for that and she'll find herself on days where she wants to quit, but keep your eyes open. You should notice the signs when puberty hits."
I tried to laugh a little, hoping he knew I wasn't being completely serious on the last part. To my greatest surprise, he smiled.
Outside I noticed a few people. We were after all in the center of Forks, near all the cafe's and clubs. I sniffed, watching all the carefree people heading for parties and booze.
"It's ironic, isn't it?" I asked. "I came to Forks to gain something and instead I lost more than I thought was possible. My dad. Then Sarah. Even you, asshole."
His eyebrows rose and his eyes seemed puzzled. I turned my head to notice one of the carefree girls falling on her knees. Her friends around her laughed, helping her up on her six inch heels. They had obviously been drinking beforehand.
This was another thing I did in an act of impulse. Telling him that I lost him - and kissing his cheek - had not been on my to do list. But I couldn't take back my words now, so I figured I could at least tell him what I meant.
"I know that you and I are nothing except two strangers," I said softly. "I barely even know you, do I? But I think in general you're a very honest person."
I turned my head to the other side, wondering what the hell I was doing. I didn't know why it bothered me so much that he didn't want to talk to me, I just knew that it did.
"I work with lying adults and lying children on a nearly daily basis so it's surprising to see so much honesty from your side, like how you just admitted you want to smoke that cigarette. And your sincere apology to Sarah about not backing her up. Since the moment we met, you've been honest with me. I appreciate that. I'm not used to it."
I couldn't help myself but smile a little, because it was so true. I was always so pessimistic, always expecting the worst and not hoping too much. But this was the exception. I took a deep breath, because everything I told him was the truth, but my next comment was a lie. And I was not a good liar.
"So I can live with you not wanting to tell me whatever it is you're hiding. I'm sure it has a good, selfless reason. So I'm just going to let it go."
One man smacked hard against the ass of a petite girl. She turned around with large eyes, but the man laughed in her face and continued his stroll. I was sure that girl was no older then sixteen and it bothered me that she was out so late with what seemed like no friends.
"Goodbye, Edward. Take care of Sarah."
Or else she might end up like that petite girl on the streets.
I stepped out of the car and something happened.
I felt something more lividly then ever - that feeling you get deep inside your chest when you may have a crush on someone. The beginning of something very unexpected and unfortunate.
What the hell?
At my second step as I walked to my car I realized Edward had not spoken since the moment I kissed his cheek, not even to say goodbye or even to make any comment at all.
Noticing that detail hurt.
I pulled out my keys from my pockets, ready to get in the car and flee. Unwelcome feelings were gaining up speed with me, my past felt like it was right behind me and I wanted to get the hell away from it.
Upon hearing Edward's car door open, I could only guess I was the reason he got out. So I stopped moving altogether.
And I waited.
"Bella?"
"What?"
"You don't have to lie to me."
I considered leaving.
But I asked in a sigh, "You stepped out of your car to tell me that?"
"Among other things," he said in a hum. "But I'd really appreciate it if you wouldn't lie. You don't have to."
If I didn't have to, what did he expect of me?
"I can handle the truth."
I laughed, and snapped, "So can I. But for some reason you think I can't."
"I haven't lied to you," he said as he glanced away and I had to laugh again.
All the time he kept quiet as I asked him about Twilight or even that simple question as to why he was being kind to me. Maybe he was right and he wasn't lying to me, but it sure as hell wasn't honest.
"Alright, you know what?" I said. "Since you're asking for it, here you have the truth. Not knowing...it's killing me. You, being near me...it's driving me insane. And that kiss...it's stuck in my freaking head despite that I'm now sure it's something you cheerfully do with any chick you meet up and who's mental enough to go to your apartment in the middle of the night after she physically assaulted you in a freaking club."
He was amused, he was freaking amused because he was smiling in that way that told me he was so amused by my outburst. That fueled my anger.
"Congratulations for being an asshole, jerk! Now leave me the hell alone."
"No."
I watched him with deadly eyes.
"Unless you wanna tell me about your issues with Twilight, I'm going," I said, then added cheerfully, completely sarcastically and pessimistically, "Do you wanna?"
"Yes."
He stepped toward me and I stood frozen in place, watching him carefully.
"They say ignorance is bliss," he said with a quirked eyebrow, coming to lean against my car.
"They also say that sometimes it's better to know then to doubt forever."
"Aha," he said with a nod.
"It's not bliss," I said with frustration. "It's insanity. It's ignoring the fact. It's dancing on pieces of glass. The truth will set you free. Did you not just tell me that I didn't have to lie to you? Didn't you just say that you can handle the truth? You're a hypocrite. You're unfair, unreasonable-"
He raised his eyes to the sky and muttered, "Shut the fuck up, Bella."
"Shove it up your ass, fucker," I snapped, pushing him away from me. "Keep your explanation. Drown in it. I don't want it."
He smiled, dropping his head back down.
"Yeah you do. You get angry when you don't get what you want."
I was fumbling through the mess that were my keys and gazillion of key rings. I really didn't like being analyzed like that.
"When you came back to Forks to finish High School, I was doing shit and I didn't give a fuck. Then I changed. I quit getting high. I quit breaking traffic laws, I finished high school. I changed. Because I fell in love."
I blinked, my eyes still on my keys. I had a tight grip on my car keys.
"Okay..." I said, getting a déjà vu from my previous conversation with Billy Black.
Edward however wasn't like Billy. He didn't continue and only stared at me. It was giving me the creeps.
"So where is she?" I asked, trying to continue this conversation for whatever it was worth.
"She had to leave."
"Couldn't you have gone with her?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"She didn't know I loved her."
"Why not?"
"She wouldn't have believed me."
"Why not?"
"I hadn't given her any reason to believe me."
"Why not?"
"I was a jackass to her."
"Why?"
He narrowed his eyes, probably due to my childlike, annoying questions.
I was expecting a sarcastic reply, but instead he said, "It's the definition of me, isn't it?"
He smiled tightly and I raised my eyebrows, pursing my lips.
"Yeah, it is," I agreed curly, but my more honest side added, "Most of the time."
His close stare became unnerving, so I continued asking, "But if you fell in love, she had to be someone special, right?"
"Yes."
"Despite that, you let her go?"
"Yes."
I was a little skeptical at how much he loved this special girl. I was usually quite disbelieving of love in the first place. I considered it something very rare.
"I think it's weird," I admitted eventually.
"Yeah, well, I'm trying to explain something to you, but I'm majorly failing."
"No, I get it," I said with a shrug. "You changed from a one hundred percent asshole to a ninety percent asshole. Some chick punched out one tenth of your rotten behavior. I get it. What's not to get? Honestly, I already like her. It takes skill to accomplish that. Didn't even know it was possible, but it's cool to know."
Again there was that amused look on his face, only now he was full on grinning.
"What?" I snapped with dead eyes.
"You're angry."
I faked a laughed, adding, "Super funny."
"Not your anger is funny. It's the direct correlation between your anger and bitterness towards me."
"Could you just tell me what the hell it is you're trying to say but according to you majorly failing at it, because I'm getting tired of this game and I really want to go home."
"Alright," he said in agreement. "Bottom like in that you're not some chick."
I looked away from his serious gaze. I told him a few minutes ago that he simply kissed any chick and that that kiss was on my mind. And now he began talking about that again?
"I really don't want to talk about that kiss right now," I said with my arms tightly crossed around me and my keys pressing painfully hard in my hand palm.
The rush of emotion overwhelmed me but I ignored each and one of them.
Now I seriously regretted telling him that it was in fact stuck in my head, because of all the moments, now he wanted to bring that up?
"I wasn't talking about that kiss," he said with an eye roll. "Though now we're at it, I would like to mention that I don't kiss just any chicks. Anyway, what I meant is that you said that some chick punched ten percent rotten behavior out of me. Right?"
"Yes."
"You said that it was some chick."
"Yes. So?"
"You are not some chick."
"What the hell are you talking about?" I asked, almost throwing my arms up in the air for his constant change of subject. "You're going from talking about chicks, to that kiss, to chicks, then back to that kiss again. I'm going and leave you to the next girl you want to fuck over."
First, Edward watched me blankly. Slowly he scowled, and at last I saw disbelief in his eyes.
I jammed my car keys in the lock and turned it.
Edward grabbed my shoulders, turned me around and had my back pressed against the car. My car keys remained in the lock.
I gasped when I noticed his eyes, pupils dilated. The only reason I truly noticed is because his once prominent green eyes were now nearly black.
I was aware of every breeze touching my skin, every tiny raindrop hitting my face and his piercing eyes searching for something in mine.
"Stop leaving," he said, pointing at me. "And shut up until I'm done. Got it?"
"My knee's about to do something really stupid," I said. "Unless you'd like to find out, I suggest you take a step back."
He chuckled and stepped back, instantly realizing my meaning. I would have crushed his balls if I had to.
"But I like your deal," I said, nodding my head in approval. "Shoot. Talk until you're done, I won't interrupt you. Then I'm off."
"When I realized you weren't Rebecca I wanted to hate you."
He stood very still.
"I tried."
I know you tried.
"I think for a little while I did hate you. But with my own demons in my head, I was reminded that I had only myself to blame. I couldn't hate you, not when none of it was ever your fault."
His eyes were a little softer now, his lips showing the ghost of a smile.
"I forgot about that last night. Until I read Twilight. I called you Izzie to remind myself of years of bullying and because it doesn't feel right if I call you Bella. Twilight is the reality of what I did to you and I do believe you're a fucking idiot for thinking it's okay to forgive me."
With Edward, either nothing happened or everything all at once.
"You said you lost me, but here's the tricky part. I was never something worth having for you to even lose it in the first place."
He reached out to me, the back of his fingers running over my cheek. He smiled. But it felt fake and misplaced, because it was right after he told me he's nothing worth losing; he was making himself look like a monster, an unwanted alien.
Maybe that's how he really saw himself. A monster.
"Anyway, Twilight reminded me of something you and I should never forget."
I looked away, feeling everything we had- even it was so, so little, came tumbling on top of my head.
"I can understand a lot of things, Bella. I can understand why you were angry with me after finding out about your dad. I can understand why you didn't want to meet Sarah. I can even understand why you forgive me - it took me Twilight to do so, but I get it now. It's a mental condition."
He didn't even flinch, while I stared at him, feeling shocked at his conclusion. He didn't say that…
"Have you heard of Stockholm's syndrome?"
What?
He said WHAT?!
I shook my head, staring in the distance, seeing nothing except mental diseases.
"Are you not seeing it? Because I read it all in your story. Alone. Hiding. Unsafe. Tormented. Judged. Suffocated. Guilty. Ashamed. Useless. Trash. Merciless. I was inside your head for years, wasn't I?"
I looked away. Quickly I was learning about Edward and the reasons why he hated Twilight. It was apparently his proof that I was some mental victim.
"Wasn't I?" he demanded.
I was grateful he didn't touch me again. If he did, I seriously doubted having the strength to tell him to step back like I did moments ago.
"Yeah," I muttered, envying all the happy, drunk people across the street.
Oh, I wanted to be one of them right now while Edward was making a point...was having a point.
"Let that story remind you that you're a victim in a game I started long time ago. And you still are a victim, claiming you've got forgiveness. But sweetheart, I gotta give it to you, I almost believed it myself, until I read Twilight. Until I understood why you think you forgive me."
"I don't think it, I know it, sweetheart," I forced out.
I hoped I put enough mock in the endearment I used on him. I detested endearments and he's called me sweetheart a few times already.
"My point exactly," he said dryly, after regaining balance. "You feel compassion for the guy who was once the person that had you captivated in your own mind. I remember the first time I saw you as Rebecca - I can only imagine what you were thinking, or are you willing to share?"
I hated this conversation. I showed him with my eyes.
I'd been a terrified teenager. The bullying had gotten to me and I'd been creating lie after lie.
"You don't have to," he said in an empty voice. "I still have a broad imagination."
He smirked and I flinched away, getting away from him and his piercing eyes. He was making himself into a bully again and it seemed like he wasn't even trying so hard - as if he was a natural bully.
His broad imagination had often been witnessed by me and his bullying, his very creative pranks.
"It seems," I said, "like you're trying to make me hate you. But you can stop it. I won't hate you. I can't hate you. You're pushing me away with mean words. You're trying to insult my mental health. Long story short, you're being a jackass. But hate's gone, hate is out of the question, hate flew out the window somewhere between our talk while I was in that freezing prison and during that freaking kiss."
I sniffed, looking sideways at intoxicated party people who were oblivious of us. There had been many times where I wanted to be someone simple, with a simple job and a simple life. I believe that would have been so nice. Instead, the universe gave me a chaos and an unexpected feeling deep in my chest for the man in front of me.
Shit.
The wall between us was broken because now I knew what had been eating Edward's conscience. However, another wall had formed itself between him and I and I knew that no amount of pebbles, stones or even a dynamite could help us now.
"I don't even see the connection," I said as I thought about his two major subjects. "First you say you fell in love with some chick. Now you say you think I have Stockholm's."
"Those two aren't connected," he said. "You've been wondering why I've been nice to you."
He stood beside me, nudged me with his shoulder.
"Still wondering?"
"No," I muttered. "I hardly give a damn anymore."
He laughed, muttering, "Why do girls always say something, then mean the opposite?"
I glared at him.
"Sarah does the exact same thing."
I looked away.
"Alright, here it is, the thing I tried to tell you before, but majorly failed at it."
He moved before me and steered his head, determination predominating every other look in his eyes.
"I was being nice to you, because I like you."
My heart stopped.
"I offered you anything I could give, because I like you."
But he barely even knew me.
"I don't care about you breaking my phone or that bail money or the so called assault, because I like you."
I stood immobile, my mind not having the time to disagree with that comment, because he kept repeating it.
"I kissed you, because I like you."
There it was again, flying out of his mouth... because I like you.
"Nine years ago, I even loved you. Don't ask me how it happened, because I don't know. And if you don't want me calling it love, call it a strong feeling, which helped me change, because I wanted to become someone better. And if you say I lessened my asshole behavior for one tenth, then I'm flattered."
He chuckled for whatever look he saw on my face.
I couldn't feel anything. Nothing.
I was focusing very hard on breathing.
"Anyway," he said with another chuckle. "Whatever we're doing here has to stop. You have a disease."
I did what I was best at doing - ignoring declarations of affection and stating facts.
"I don't like that you call my mental state unhealthy," I said. Fact.
"I don't fucking care."
I nearly felt those words coming at me as a fist in my face.
Edward was also good at stating facts.
"I don't have a mental disease," I gritted out.
"I think you do. Also, you confirmed to me you're mental. In your own words."
"Yeah, right," I snapped. "Why the hell would I call myself mental?"
"Here's your reminder, sweetheart. You must be mental to come with me to my apartment in the middle of the night."
Shit.
"Remember?"
There it was.
The point where we couldn't agree and it pushed us away from each other.
But I couldn't take that, no way. With Edward, I knew I'd need proof. Words weren't going to cut for it.
I held up my hand and felt confident at what I was about to say next.
"Let's leave it to this. I just need to figure some stuff out. I'll come back after a while."
He scowled at me, then shook his head.
"I don't want to see you again," he said and I felt a little wounded upon hearing that. "You can visit Sarah if you like. She has a phone, I'll send her number to you. She's young, but I trust you'll arrange some safe way for you and her to meet up."
"Thank you," I said, formally. "But I'm going to be a busy with figuring stuff out. Eventually I will come back though."
This time he steered his head.
"What the fuck are you talking about?"
"I can't accept this thing you've chosen to believe. So I'm gonna figure out a way to show you it's not true."
He watched me skeptically while crossing his arms.
"You're not going to do something stupid, are you?" he asked bluntly.
"I'm going to do what's necessary and it'll take time, but I'll get it done."
He turned around as if I hadn't said a word.
"Later," he said.
I was perplexed at his short goodbye.
"Hey," I called.
He turned, watching me impatiently.
"Did you know that Charlie left me a will?" I asked, the paper in my coat's pockets.
"No," he said, turning around with a sigh. "Why?"
I laughed nervously.
"Can you help me with something?"
"No," he repeated, walking away again.
"Please?"
He halted, but didn't turn around. I walked up to him.
"That policeman that called me back at the office brought me to a colleague of Charlie's and apparently Charlie wrote me a will. That's the reason why he kept asking if I'm really Isabella Marie Swan."
I pulled the piece of paper out of my pocket and held it out.
"Can you check if it's something worth knowing or something that'll just be too painful to know about?"
He huffed, taking the paper out of my hand, but not looking at it.
"Pretend I looked at it," he said. "Pretend I say it's not worth it for you to know. Wouldn't you still be curious and still want to know about it either way?"
I shook my head quickly.
"I don't believe you," he said with serious eyes. "You want to know things. Living in ignorance isn't your style, is it?"
"This will Charlie left me is the exception," I said, tears forming in my eyes.
"Because?" he said, his eyes hard.
"Because it's forgiveness," I said in a hurry. "If he forgave me, he left me something, anything, doesn't matter what. If he never forgave me, this will is something cruel, maybe just a handful of words exclaiming I was a bitch and that he was glad I never came back, because I was being ungrateful and stuff like that. I can't handle that, I'm sorry... I wish I could, but I can't."
I tried my hardest not to cry again. I'd already broken down in front of Edward because of Sarah.
"You're gonna know either way," he said dryly. "If I tell you to either read it or throw it away, you'll know either way what that means."
"I know," I said with a nod. "But I just want to leave it here behind if it's something not worth having. And since you're here, I thought maybe you could help."
He stared.
"Come on, it's not like I'm asking so much."
"Do you want me to know what the will says?" he asked with raised eyebrows. "Because it could be something personal."
I shrugged, shaking my head. "That doesn't matter."
He raised the letter to his eyes and unfolded it. It was in an envelope, so he took the will out, barely scanned his eyes over the page and when his eyes were back on mine, they gave nothing away.
He handed me the letter.
"Take it," he said impatiently.
I slowly did and as soon as the letter was in fingers, he turned back around.
"Later, Bells."
My breath hitched.
That's what dad used to call me.
"What did you read? Edward?"
He opened his car door and the last I saw, was a smile on his face when he briefly looked at me.
His car screeched away and the last thing I saw him do was wave. I brought my eyes down to the paper.
Charlie's forgiven me.
Why else would Edward give me back the letter and call by my nickname that my dad made up for me?
My eyes scanned a bunch of formally written sentences, telephone numbers, names of lawyers and signatures. I only stopped my eyes from searching when I saw at the bottom of the page, writing in hand;
Bells,
I'm leaving you the house, fishing boat and personal belongings. It's yours to keep or sell. I'm leaving you the last of my money.
And if you are reading this someday because my time came and you somehow came in contact with Fork's Police, I want you to know that I'm sorry and that I hope you can forgive a fool of a father for all of his mistakes. I never stopped loving you, kiddo. I always hoped the best for you and I still do. You're my kid, my blood. If you had to go to make yourself happy, than that was what made me happy as well. I hope you found what you were looking for.
Love,
Charlie
I opened the door, threw the clothes that were still on top of the car inside and stepped in my car. I hit the gas pedal and left. This empty road was a big improvement to the traffic jam from two nights earlier.
The darkness, the night suited me for a little while. It was a great hiding place in contrary to the sun. I wanted to hide from this strange world. I wanted to strange things I was feeling to make sense. I was pretty resilient when it came to unexpected events or changes and the last few days had been exactly that. But maybe it had been a little bit too much and I wasn't exactly feeling it yet. All I knew is that for a little moment, I enjoyed the night as my silent car drove me back home.
I took a small break to go to the bathroom and buy some coffee. I was really having a hard time staying awake, but with coffee and the windows wide open, I was certain the freezing air and caffeine would keep me up for one more hour. While I took small sips, I searched for my phone and put it on.
2 new messages
The first was from Bree.
- Hey girl! Wondering if you disappeared off the earth. When are you coming back? X
I sent her a quick one back to say I was on my way.
The second message was from an unknown number and I knew before I read it that it was from Edward. He'd sent it a few minutes ago. It was a telephone number with behind it Sarah's name. There was no hello and no bye. Just that.
I was certain I would never hear from him again, especially after that text.
I wasn't conscious of hunger or thirst, light or dark, the rest of my ride back home, my moving legs and my hand unlocking the door. Milo's barking and happiness didn't do a lot with me. I pet him once and he ran off again. His happiness couldn't turn my zombie state.
Did I reach my breaking point?
"Bella!" Bree said in utter glee, coming into the hallway.
Her face fell when she saw me.
"What did he do?" Her voice was filled with venom and rage.
I wondered what I looked like for her to think Edward had done anything to me.
"Bella? What's the matter?"
He voice was now laced with worry, her hand reaching for my bag and putting it on the ground.
"The police arrested Tanya. Edward believes I have Stockholm's Syndrome and he likes me. Stockholm trumps liking me, so he never wants to see me again."
Bree's mouth dropped and before she could say anything, I dropped the bomb.
"Charlie's dead and left me all of his possessions."
Her mouth dropped and she ran into my chest and held me tight.
"Oh, Bella...I can't believe it. I'm so sorry about your dad, so so sorry. How horrible from you to find out like this! Oh, man... Come on, let's get you some comfy clothes and I'll make you some tea and something nice to eat, okay? I'll make anything you want. Or I can go to the night shop, buy B&J or...do you want to go to bed or…I'm sorry, I've no idea what to tell you. I'm not sure what I felt when my mom and dad died and what I needed...I can't remember. It was all so messy."
"Messy," I breathed out, finding that the perfect word to describe my mind right now.
At hearing Bree's heartbreaking tone and seeing her in tears for my loss, I at last felt the true pain a child felt when losing a dad.