Chapter TWENTY ONE – Home Again, Home Again Jiggedy Jig
"Now you just go in and take it easy EJ," Sami fussed around him as they walked back into the mansion after she'd picked him up from the hospital around two in the afternoon.
"Darling don't get so worked up sweetheart," EJ tutted, "I'm fine."
"Hey," said Eric with a grin as they walked into the living room, "The Great White Hunter returns – or maybe I should say The Great White Hunted."
"Yes very amusing Eric," said EJ as his face lit up at seeing his children, "Hello darlings!"
"Daddy!" they both squealed and ran over to him, grabbing a leg each as EJ bent over and hugged them.
"How are you feeling EJ?" asked Marlena solicitously from where she was sitting on the sofa.
"Incredibly well rested, thank you Marlena."
"I just can't believe it happened," Sami groaned as she watched EJ gingerly sit down on the chair, the twins immediately clambering all over him, "Johnny, Ali – be careful of Daddy remember!"
"Owwy?" asked Ali with a sympathetic pout of her lips.
"Only a little one," said EJ with a reassuring wink at her.
"Kiss better," she informed him as they always did with her and Johnny in these things and she gave EJ a wet kiss on the lips.
"Me too!" exclaimed Johnny, not to be left out and EJ received another sloppy kiss.
"Well it's settled," said EJ with a big smile at his children's attention, "I'm completely healed."
"I don't see what the big fuss is about," said John, strolling into the room, "It's not like he hasn't been shot before."
"Yes and I'd like the carnage to stop please," said Sami, sending EJ a worried look.
It really did just unravel her to see EJ in any kind of pain or danger.
"It is in my top five goals of my life sweetheart," said EJ with a teasing smile, "And number one on the aforementioned list is giving these wiggling little monkeys some afternoon tea."
"No I'll feed the children," Sami protested with a shake of her head, "You need to rest."
"Samantha I've been unconscious for most of the day," pointed out EJ with a quirk of his lips, "What I absolutely don't need is more rest. It's you who have been driving between the hospital and here all day, you sit down and I'll handle the children."
"But-" began a worried Sami but EJ was waving away her concern.
"It will be fine sweetheart. Just sit down and take it easy for a little while please."
"I'll help," Eric offered, "What kind of food do you guys eat again, is it worms?"
"Nooo!" the twins laughed and shook their heads as EJ and Eric ushered them into the kitchen.
"Oh then it must be chicken beaks," said Eric, ever the tease.
"Nooooo Dunk!"
Sami could hear the twins giggling and carrying on as all four of them disappeared into the kitchen.
"Come and sit down honey," Marlena said, patting the sofa chair beside her.
Sami reluctantly sank down and it was only then did she realise how tired she really was as a weary sigh left her body.
"Bit of a tough day wasn't it?" observed her mother with her usual sympathy.
"Mom if anything really serious had happened to EJ I don't know what I would have done," said Sami, her eyes filling up with tears.
"I still don't understand why everyone is upset," said the ever stoic John as he sat down in the armchair across from them, "You all started it with trying to get rid of Tina."
"No you started it with bringing an aardvark into this house in the first place John," Sami snapped.
She rolled her eyes. "No one should ever have to say such a ridiculous sentence – ever."
"Tina wasn't happy where she was," insisted a stubborn John, "Did you really expect me to leave her there to suffer?"
"So now you can talk to aardvarks is it John?" asked an unimpressed Sami.
"I understand animals," was John's simple reply.
Sami sent him a combative look. "Well you certainly don't understand humans."
"Humans are annoying and unreasonable," John dismissed the species, "Animals are much better than people."
"Does your statement include me John?" asked Marlena with an arched eyebrow.
"You let me touch your boobs so no. But you can still be unreasonable."
"John!" said Sami in horror, "Don't talk to my Mom like that!"
"Like what?" asked John in confusion.
"Like she's nothing but a sex object," said an offended Sami.
"Sami it's alright," Marlena said trying to make peace, "You know John doesn't always express himself well."
"Blondie isn't a sex object, you are Wildcat," John informed her.
"Oh my god," said Sami horror, "What are you saying John, that you're attracted to me?"
John gave her a confused look.
"No that would be like being sexually attracted to a plane's propeller," noted an expressionless John, "Painful and with a lot of screaming resulting in castration and if you're lucky, death."
Sami looked over at her mother who gave a sympathetic grimace.
"I am equal parts relieved and offended to hear you say that John," Sami said as her face darkened.
"Face it Wildcat," said John offhandedly, "You're no decaying peach."
Sami blinked, opened her mouth and closed it again as she tried to work out what such a statement might mean.
"Are you having a stroke?" asked Sami in aggravation, "What you said makes no sense at all John."
"You know," John prompted her, "You're not always a fun time."
"Oh," said Marlena, snapping her fingers, "He means you're no day at the beach."
"Mom!" said Sami in horror to which her mother hastily back tracked.
"Sorry honey, I don't think you're no day at the beach, I was just translating."
"Alright so you find me less attractive then a bloody and violent death John then what is all the talk about me being a sex object?" asked Sami in frustration.
"Well every time I talk about sex you seem to object," John pointed out.
"Oh John," said Marlena with a little laugh.
"What?" he asked with a slight frown, "That's what sex object means isn't it?"
"How can you live with this man Mom?" Sami demanded to know.
"John's not without his charms," said Marlena with a knowing little smile.
"Well I don't see any," Sami grumbled, folding her arms in front of her chest.
oooOOOOooo
Eric and EJ were sitting quietly together in the living room, sharing the newspaper between them later that afternoon. Eric had the sports pages on the sofa and EJ was perusing the business section in an armchair and neither looked up as John walked in the room.
"Where's the Wildcat?" he asked with an arched eyebrow.
"Lying down while the children are having their afternoon nap," EJ replied.
He looked up and eyed John. "Why Uncle, do you want to liken her to rotting fruit again?"
"Do I hear a story?" asked Eric with a grin.
"No," EJ with a sigh, "Just my uncle being his usual wonderful self and upsetting my pregnant wife."
"It's not my fault wifey is more crazy than usual," said a decidedly unapologetic John, "It's like walking on fins and beetles around her."
EJ gave a heavy sigh. "I'm still recovering from my misadventure; I don't have the strength to correct him."
"It's pins and needles John," Eric stepping in instead.
"Sure it is," said John with a roll of his eyes.
"But-"
"Pick your battles Eric," EJ advised him.
"Hopefully wifey's nap will make her more friendly," John mused and then veered off abruptly in a completely different conversational direction, "I had a dream last night."
Eric and EJ did look up then from their respective newspapers. John just kept walking then and continued on into the kitchen. Eric looked at EJ who had gone back to scrutinizing the paper.
"Just leave it be," EJ advised him, not looking up.
"But he can't leave it there," protested Eric, his curiosity piqued.
"You don't want to know," EJ assured him, still reading the newspaper in his hands.
"Yes I do," said Eric with a bit of a pout.
EJ did look up then and fixed Eric with a pointed look.
"Really?" asked EJ, looking over the top of his glasses at his brother in law, "You really want to know what a man who comes up with the concept of "Happy Vagina Day" and thinks twenty seven cats jammed into a bedroom is romantic… dreams about? Really, you want to hear about such a man's dreams?"
Eric pulled a face, thinking about his options. John walked back into the room with a sandwich on the plate and Eric shot EJ a defiant look and stalled him.
"So what was the dream about John?" asked Eric, letting his curiosity get the best of him.
"What dream?" asked an expressionless John.
"The dream you just said you had last night," Eric prompted him.
"I had a dream last night?" asked John, this seeming to be news to him.
"You just said you did," nodded Eric while EJ just shook his head at Eric's folly and went back to his paper.
"What was it about?" asked John with interest.
"I don't know," said Eric in exasperation.
"Was it about ferrets?" asked John.
"I don't know," said Eric with a shake of his head, beginning to frown.
"Walruses, maracas, carpel tunnel syndrome, trampolines?" John continued to guess.
"I don't know John!" exclaimed Eric in annoyance.
"Then why did you bring it up?" asked John, looking at Eric like he was some kind of idiot.
"I-I don't know," admitted Eric, confused now himself.
"Is there no one in this house who isn't a weirdo?" John posed the question to no one in particular as he kept walking with his sandwich and disappeared down the hall.
Eric sat back in his seat, staring ahead and looking bemused.
"And what did we learn?" EJ asked him, still reading the paper and not looking up.
"That asking John about his dreams is a bad idea," said Eric, still trying to work out what exactly just happened.
"There you go," said EJ straight faced, turning a page of the newspaper, "Even the slowest train pulls into the station eventually."
"Who dreams about walruses?" asked Eric in consternation.
"Have you not listened to a word I just said?" asked EJ, shaking his head.
oooOOOOooo
"And the twins were asleep with Tina?" asked an amazed EJ as they both climbed into bed later that night.
"Like she was a giant, long nosed, ant eating teddy bear," Sami said with a sigh.
"We should have had Ali and Johnny bring in Tina," said EJ with a shake of his head.
EJ pulled up the covers and laid back down on his pillow, Sami moving immediately into his arms.
"I guess she's staying then," said EJ, not sounding particularly thrilled by the idea.
"That's what I said," Sami agreed with a dry little laugh.
"Tina and I are going to have to talk about those holes though," said EJ determinedly, "Eric nearly broke his ankle when he stepped in one."
EJ paused. "And I guess we'll have to sort out her food and make sure her habitat is appropriate. The zoo might consider letting us keep her then."
"Maybe the zoo will let us keep the aardvark if we give them John?" suggested Sami, "A flat out swap."
EJ chuckled. "Would you pay good money to see my Uncle in an exhibition?"
Sami wrinkled her nose. "No but I'd pay good money to see him behind bars."
"He's not so bad."
"That's the tranquillizer talking."
"Possibly."
Sami rested her chin on his chest.
"I nearly died today when I saw you get shot," said Sami painfully, "I don't know what I would have done if-"
EJ interrupted her with a small smile.
"I'd died from a tranquillizer to the ass?"
"LJ was telling me with some animal tranquillizers are so poisonous to humans and if even a little drop gets on a person's skin it can kill them," said Sami biting her bottom lip and not letting him deter her from her worrying, "They even mark the animal's skin where the dart went in so no one will touch the area by accident. What if the dangerous one had been the kind of tranquillizer they were using on Tina? EJ you could have died."
"But it wasn't and I didn't," EJ reminded her gently.
"I wouldn't want to go on without you," said Sami unsteadily.
"But you would because of the children," said EJ huskily.
He gave her a teasing look to lighten the mood.
"But you're not allowed to get married again."
Sami smiled, used to this conversation where they would threaten hauntings and disasters on anyone who might try and take their place.
"But what if he is really, really cute?" Sami asked straight faced, "A girl has needs after all."
"If he's really cute then you absolutely can't marry him," said EJ with mock sternness, "And as for your needs I'm sure the memory of our lovemaking will keep you warm at night."
"What if it doesn't?" asked Sami wide eyed.
"Put on another pair of socks," EJ advised her.
"What if I can't find any?"
"No other men Samantha, that's my final word on the subject."
"What about if I become a lesbian – how do you feel about women?"
"No."
"Do you want to think about it?"
"No. I've ruined you for all other lovers, male or female. The damage is done Samantha."
"I'd consider letting you sleep with men."
"You would?"
"I'd consider it."
"And what would your final decision be after all that considering exactly?"
"More socks obviously."
"More socks," said EJ in agreement.
"More socks," Sami sighed as she snuggled into him.