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Stealing Sheep

Chapter 21: Lessons (Part 2): Pushing

Chaos. The room was a haphazard ocean of sound and colours; bright, loud, full of life. It was a sea of red. It seemed that nearly every person in the room, whether young or old, had a bright mop of hair, a cheerful smile and a loud laugh. A young boy gripping a broomstick high above his head sped past, laughing maniacally, making Lily jump back a step, and was followed by a tall, bellowing red headed youth. An older woman wearing a joyful smile and a floral pinafore over her pale green dress robes was scurrying around the room, filling glasses, chatting happily and surreptitiously wiping away stray tears now and again, until a man with round glasses kissed her on the cheek as she passed by him and she blushed happily. A tremendous bang sounded from outside, making many people jump and several children cry, which was then followed by a yell of "Don't worry, the flames will be out soon!" A young woman with brown wavy hair and a frown marched past her, shouting "If you've touched one hair on his head, Ron, Merlin help me, I'll tell your mother!"

An answering yell of protest came from outside and Lily followed the young woman as she threaded her way through the kitchen and out into the large garden at the back of the house. As she stepped onto the grass a wave of sound hit her. A group of small men struck up a lively tune on their fiddles and flutes and the thick crowd of guests began to join in the jig. It looked like a gathering of Irish pixies, laughing and dancing and enjoying the night.

"They always did know how to throw a bash," remarked Sirius, appearing at her elbow.

"Where are we?" she asked in wonder. She'd never in her life been in the midst of a party that was full of joy and laughter yet simultaneously threatened to break out into a riot at any time. A wedding, thought Lily. She was in the middle of a wild, raucous wedding party. She'd never experienced anything like it. All the weddings she'd attended had been sombre, dull affairs full of priests postulating on the sanctity of marriage and then a reception where children skidded along the dance floors, old people got embarrassingly drunk, and she was bored out of her brain.

"The Burrow. Fun, isn't it?"

"Why did you bring me here?" she asked suspiciously, before a strange thought startled her into blurting "It's not- it's not my wedding, is it?"

He let out a bark of laughter and smiled at her. "Don't be ridiculous. That is why we are here." He pointed towards the far side of the garden where a large sycamore tree was watching over the proceedings and swaying gently in the breeze along to the music. Underneath its branches stood two men, side by side, silent and still, completely at odds with the raucous party unfolding before them.

Lily rounded the main body of revellers to get a better look at the men and her suspicions were confirmed. She wasn't surprised to see Harry again. It was the other figure that startled her into stopping abruptly and looking to Sirius.

"Is that-"

"Yes, surprisingly, he survived his teenage demons to live another day," Sirius said with a grin.

Lily moved closer until she was near enough to see the deep lines on Remus Lupin's face. She'd thought Sirius had looked old but this marauder looked positively haggard. He had grey running in great streaks through his light brown hair, there were deep wrinkles around his eyes and forehead, a dogged tiredness lining his pale face and an aura of melancholy hugged him. He was far from the Lupin that she had once known and it saddened her to see him so unhappy.

"He looks terrible!" she said with something akin to awe.

"I know. That's what women trouble can do to a man."

"Women trouble?"

"You'll see for yourself soon enough."

She watched them for a few minutes as they did nothing more interesting than briefly exchange words over the state of the weather and remark on how delicious the home made pumpkin pasties had been.

"What's wrong with them?" she asked in astonishment.

Sirius sighed and shook his head. "Unfortunately, Remus has always had a natural aversion to anything vaguely resembling fun. Of course, James and I managed to change his mind about it for a while but sometimes the temptation to be boring just overcomes him and he can't help himself."

"And Harry?" she asked, eyeing her son with worry. He'd closed himself off to the surroundings, positioned himself on the outside of the circle of revellers and simply watched intently instead of getting in there and laughing madly with the rest of them. She followed his gaze to see that he was staring fiercely at the group of people who had begun to flail wildly in time to the lively music, one of whom Lily was startled to realise that she recognised. The girl who was giggling madly and jumping up and down with two identical-looking redheads was Ginny, the girl who had just that night had broken into her home and managed to scare her half to death.

"Harry just needs a little push," Sirius said with a smile then pointed over her shoulder towards the crowd. "And here comes that push right now."

Walking towards them was the red headed young man who had earlier been occupied with capturing his abducted broomstick and at his side, with a purposeful stride and determined frown of a person with a mission, was the brown haired girl who had berated him.

"Harry, what do you think you're doing?" asked the girl as she planted herself directly in front of him and sent him a no-nonsense look, while the young man simply hovered behind her looking uncomfortable.

Harry blinked. "Nothing?"

"Oh, Harry," she sighed as her shoulders drooped and she began to wring her hands.

"What?" he asked, resigned at the prospect of what seemed to be the beginning of a lecture that he'd heard all too often.

"She just wants you to dance, don't you, Hermione?" The red-haired man grinned over the top of her head at Harry and Remus. "The band isn't bad. Well, the music's much better than it was at my Uncle Ralph's funeral anyway."

"I don't dance, Ron," Harry interrupted with a scowl and thrust his hands deep into his pockets in a gesture of defiance.

"Oh, don't be so silly, Harry! Everyone dances-"

"OY! FRED! GEORGE!" Ron suddenly yelled across the garden.

After a few seconds the red-haired twins disengaged themselves from the mêlée of gyrating bodies and tango-ed their way towards them. "You bellowed?" one twin asked sweetly as they pirouetted to a stop.

"You think we could get a bit of music over here? Harry and Lupin want to dance," Ron said with a shifty grin, earning him a punch in the arm from his friend.

Lupin raised his hands in a placating gesture and stepped carefully away from the evil grins. "Leave me out of it."

"Leave you out of what, Remus? It seems to me you've left yourself out of it enough things as it is… Oh, hello, Harry." Ginny appeared at the edge of the group and after sending a wan smile Harry's direction, continued to shoot a deadly glare at Remus. Ron shared a worried glance with Hermione, who was biting her lip anxiously, the twins were pulling pained faces at each other, miming suicide and hanging at the suddenly heavy atmosphere, and Remus, meanwhile, had drained of colour.

Harry was smiling tightly and fixedly staring over the tops of their heads as he murmured, "Hi, Ginny."

"Tonks is over there you know, Lupin."

"Is she?" he replied in a disinterested voice, but his eyes betrayed them as they darted around the mass of people populating the garden. Lily watched as his gaze focused on something beyond her then jerked away to study his feet intently and she turned to curiously study the woman whose eyes he was so anxious to avoid meeting. She was young, pink-haired, and had a bright smile that flashed often as she talked animatedly at a tall, dark, stoic-looking man.

"Why don't you ask her to dance?" said Ginny with a tight smile.

Remus looked uncomfortable. "I don't think that'd be appropriate."

"Why? I'm sure Tonks wouldn't mind," she said as she caught the woman in question's eye and waved her over.

Before Lupin could make a cowardly escape (as he had taken to doing whenever Tonks had seemed to be heading his direction) Ginny slipped her arm through his and securely held him in place. "Really, Ginny, I'd rather not-"

"Don't tell me- another noble act of selflessness. Get over it already. I'm sick of all these stupid self-sacrifices."

Harry flushed under Ginny's venomous glare and stumbled back a step, away from the group and the heavy atmosphere. "I- I better-"

"If you won't go to the party-" announced one of the twins as he slung an arm around Harry's neck, effectively cutting off his escape route.

"- the party will come to you!" declared the second twin with a flourish, and the band that had just crossed the garden and managed to creep up on them began to play.

Before either of the previous residents of the spot-beneath-the-tree had time to protest, dozens of people had invaded their sanctuary and had proceeded to celebrate happily. The pink-haired woman arrived with a too-bright smile and proceeded to drag Remus into the fray, despite his polite resistance.

"Who would've thought Moony'd get himself a pink-haired girlfriend ten years younger than him, eh?" Sirius remarked with a grin and a nudge.

"I think she makes him younger." Lily watched how he laughed with her and his face lit up even though he seemed to be fighting it. "Why does he push her away?"

Sirius frowned, the creases lining his forehead deepening, making him seem older than his demeanour had made him appear. "There's a war brewing. Remus is in the thick of the action. Why does anyone protect the people they care about? Nobody wants to do it but sometimes it needs to be done for their own good. He's just doing what he thinks is best."

"But what right does he have to decide what's best for her? She's a grown woman. I'm sure she can handle all the danger that he can!" she argued. "If she loves him enough to risk herself, surely it's her decision, not his?"

He raised his hands in surrender and smiled wryly at her outrage.

"I'm going to have serious words with Remus when I get back," she grumbled to herself. How could he be so thick? How could he not realise that he needed everyone he loved and if they loved him back enough to face the danger with him then he would be stronger?

Harry was still watching the scene, declining to join in, despite the fact that the party had arrived at his doorstep and numerous cheerful people insisted he enjoy himself. He seemed utterly miserable as he ignored his surroundings and stared into the bottle of Butterbeer in his hand, an outsider in an otherwise happy scene. He was so busy trying to be a wallflower that he didn't notice when Ginny appeared beside him.

"Are you going to insist on being miserable all night? It's really getting quite tedious."

His head snapped up and he stared at her for a moment. "I'm fine."

She sighed, gave him a knowing look, and pulled his Butterbeer out of his hand and took a swig.

They stood in slightly strained silence for a few minutes until it was rudely broken into by a drunken relative of the Weasleys who had decided to relieve his bladder against a nearby tree and had proceeded to trip over a garden gnome, land head-first into a thorn bush and was currently waving his bare bottom in the air and cursing loudly, causing Ginny to giggle and Harry to help him out and politely ask him to use the toilet instead in future.

"You can see why the Delacours weren't that happy to be marrying into this family," Ginny said, as she wiped tears of humour from her eyes. "I thought Fleur was going to faint when Uncle Bertram tried to French kiss her for luck!"

Harry chuckled and realised with a start that it was the first time he had smiled all night.

"I'm sorry," Ginny suddenly said from beside him.

The smile faded from his face at her tone. "For what?"

"I shouldn't have pushed Remus so hard. It wasn't really about him and I think everyone knew it."

Harry looked down at her and the grim expression on her face and rubbed the back of his neck, not quite knowing what to say. "Ginny- I-"

"You don't need to repeat it, Harry. I do understand. It doesn't mean I have to like it." She smiled at him then, a bitter sweet smile full of things that Harry didn't want to interpret in case they made him change his mind about keeping her at a distance.

"Thank you," he said quietly.

She gave a slight nod and her smile changed into something altogether more familiar. "So… tell me something. Why are you moping about in the shrubbery like a peeping tom when you should be enjoying the party with every other normal person here?"

He nearly spat out his Butterbeer. "Peeping tom?"

She shrugged and smirked at him. "Why else would you be hiding in the bushes?"

"You're right," he declared with a grin. "I am a peeping tom. That's why I saw you hang your cousin Tobias- who had a pair of frilly pink knickers on his head- out of your bedroom window by his ankle earlier. What would your mother say?"

She bared her teeth at him and scowled. "That kid has got an obsession with my underwear! This morning I couldn't find one pair of knickers! I had to transfigure a hairbrush, which probably wasn't the smartest thing to do because I started to panic half way through the marriage service that my spell would wear off and I'd be yet another reason the Delacours don't want to marry into the Weasley clan." She grimaced and rubbed a hand across her rear.

Harry laughed and his eyes followed her hand, before snapping to attention in front of him. Before he could allow his mind to wander back along the path that he had just unearthed he blurted, "Do you want to dance?"

Lily watched as Harry led a surprised but pleased-looking Ginny to the centre of the throng. He wanted to be with her, she was sure, but, like in Remus's case, something was holding him back. It frustrated her that she couldn't just go and give them a good talking to and sort the whole mess out, like she would've done if they'd actually been able to see and hear her.

"He's just as stupid as Remus, isn't he?"

"Maybe, but he's not as stupid as you."

"Pardon me?" She glared in outrage at Sirius as he smiled in what she thought was quite a condescending manner.

"Harry pushes away Ginny to protect her from Voldemort. Remus pushes Tonks away to protect her from the darker aspects of his personality. You push away James because you're scared."

She had been about to form a question about the supposed 'darker' side to Remus but her mouth froze mid-word. She opened and closed her mouth a few times before squeezing out, "You're wrong."

Sirius shook his head sadly and smiled at her. "You're scared that you'll die and you're scared that he'll hurt you. You're scared that you'll lose him and you're scared that you'll keep him. You're scared to love him."

Her voice shook as she swung around to face him, war in her eyes. "How dare you presume to know how I feel? I've a million reasons to be scared! I saw my son die. I saw James die. What sort of person would I be if I knew that was going to happen and still let them die?"

"Didn't James have something to say about that?" Sirius asked softly.

"Of course he did. He said that he didn't care." She paused and stared out into the distance, biting her lip. "He said that he'd die for me."

"And what right do you have to decide what's best for him? If he loves you enough to risk himself, it's his decision, isn't it?"

"Well, no, I can't let-" she broke off with a glare as she realised that he'd just repeated back to her what she'd said about Remus and the woman he was pushing away. "That's not fair. It's not the same situation. They have a chance. We know our future ends in death."

"Does it? If James isn't worth it, is Harry?"

She gritted her teeth against her anger and her frustration and spat out, "Of course Harry's worth it, that's not the point. I didn't know that he would survive! If I had then maybe-"

"Maybe?"

"Then maybe it would've been different."

She determinedly stared away from him and out into the crowd. She had two choices. She could dive headfirst into what she knew would bring her happiness and yet certain death in just a few short years. Or she could continue pushing.

"Has James seen all this? Did you bring him here too?" she asked quietly.

"No. He didn't need to see it." When she sent him a confused look, he spread his hands and smiled. "He already knows what he wants. He's as scared as you and yet right this moment he's lying awake trying to come up with ways to make you see sense."

Lily lowered her eyes and furrowed her brow, her mind working furiously. Cowardly, she thought in self-disgust. She was just being cowardly. James had gone through everything she had and yet he had dealt with it with remarkable maturity and strength while she had run from it and resisted it like a child. Yes, she'd been frightened for both of them, but that was no excuse now. She took a deep breath before looking up at Sirius and commanding, "Take me to him."

Sirius smiled at her mysteriously and held out his hand. Lily cast one last, long look at her future son, committed him to memory and sent him a silent goodbye, before she stepped forward and grasped onto the hand that would take her back into the past.