November 30, 2012

Sara squeezed her eyes shut as she leaned over the bathroom sink feeling miserable as bile worked its way up her esophagus to mix with the running water swirling down the drain. Cupping water into her mouth, she tried unsuccessfully to wash the taste of acid out of her mouth. When she finally opened her eyes she felt as though her heart skipped a beat at the sight of blood speckling the porcelain sink. She jumped when she heard an insistent rapping on the bathroom door.

"What?!" she barked, quickly washing away the red spray that had begun to bleed into larger, thinned pools and they mixed with water.

"Are you okay?" Mandy asked through the wood. "What's wrong?"

Sara pinched her nose for a second taking a deep breath and a wondering when the questions had turned from 'is there something wrong' to 'what's wrong.'

"Nothing, Mandy," she forced, slipping an antacid roll out of the medicine cabinet. Chewing one, she checked to make sure the evidence of her being sick had all been washed down the drain. Chewing her lip she remembered that water would not wash away all the evidence, something would remain, the right person just needed to be looking for it. She pulled the door open to find Mandy on the other side, her arms crossed over the beginnings of her pregnancy bump.

"You threw up," Mandy accused trying to sound firm.

Sara almost rolled her eyes and asked when she became the vomit police but instead forced a smile. She did not need to pick a fight with Mandy today, at the very least for Nick's sake. "I'm fine. I think I might be coming down with something," she said easily and even pressed the back of her hand against her forehead for good measure. "Come on, let's go watch a movie."

"Are you sure you're okay?" Mandy asked skeptically, holding her ground, blocking Sara into the bathroom.

Sara nodded, lips pursed. "Want popcorn?" She watched as the other woman's resolve swayed then crumbled all together.

"Sure. Popcorn sounds good."

Downstairs, Sara made herself busy in the kitchen making a large bowl of popcorn for Mandy and Nick if he wanted some. She hoped that she would be able to have some too, if her stomach would co-operate for once. "Any weird craving I need to satisfy?" She paused. "Do you have those? Cravings I mean," Sara clarified.

"Nope. Not right now anyway. Ask me again at 3a.m. though."

Biting back a snide remark about hoping Mandy wouldn't be staying THAT long Sara shook her head. She did feel guilty about being short with her friend but it was taking everything in her to control her jealous feelings about the other woman's pregnancy. She had been so excited when she and Gil had decided that it was time for them to start a family. Now it seemed like it was never going to happen. Her mind drifted back to her weight journal in the master-bathroom cabinet drawers. She felt guilty about lying to Grissom about her progress but she really didn't see what other option she had. How could she tell him that she was… defective? That there was something wrong with her that not only ruined her plans but dashed his dreams of becoming a father?

She couldn't bring him into it, she knew that. Love was complicated enough, theirs especially, it seemed. She didn't need to do anything to compromise the peace they had come to find together. Whatever was wrong with her was something that she would have to figure out on her own. Soon, she realized as a pain shot through his abdomen making her bend over a little in hope of easing it.

"Did you die in here?" Mandy suddenly appeared in the doorway. "Or are you keeping the popcorn to yourself?"

"Right, the popcorn," Sara blinked and glanced at the microwave that had stopped counting down, who knew how long ago. How had she missed that? It beeped again to remind her that its job was finished. She pressed the button to pop the door and glanced over at Mandy who was watching her carefully. Deciding to break the awkward silence Sara began to offer Mandy a drink when she was cut off by a sudden wave of lightheadedness. She closed her eyes trying to ground herself and fight the strangeness of feeling like the top of her head was somehow detaching and trying to drift away. Taking a deep breath she waited to it to pass before trying again. "Would you like something to drink?"

Thankfully Mandy had been too busy checking out an old picture of her and Gil to notice her little episode. "Water please. When was this taken?" She ran a finger around the perimeter of the plastic card.

"A long time ago, in San Francisco," Sara answered vaguely.

"I gathered that from the bridge in the background. It is kind of a famous landmark."

Ignoring her sarcastic remark Sara poured them each a tall glass of water then handed one to Mandy. Without another word and without answering the print tech's question she headed into the living room and dropped the bowl of popcorn onto the couch. Taking a seat she waited until the other end of the couch was occupied.

'Movies on Demand' didn't have a great selection to offer, or at least not anything Sara was interested in. "See anything you're into?"

Mandy shook her head. "You own any DVDs?"

"No. We live in the dark ages, couldn't you guess?" Sara got up and opened the side of the wall unit where she and Grissom separated their movies. Hers on top organized alphabetically, his on the bottom organized chronologically, a system that had never made any sense to her. The few movies that they owned jointly were in the middle in no particular order. "You can pick," Sara told her waiting patiently. "I like all of them from here up."

Choosing one randomly Mandy handed it to Sara then sat back down on the couch heavily.

XXXX

Sara's knees were pulled up to under her chin by the time the movie had reached its climax. She had managed to nibble on a few pieces of popcorn and she was feeling quite pleased with herself. Glancing over at Mandy she realized it wasn't only because of the little food she was managing to keep down: she was getting along peacefully with Mandy despite everything and that left her feeling good. Looking the other woman over she realized that her hair seemed much thicker and healthier. Not that thick, shiny, healthy hair had ever been a worry for the lab tech. Sara had read once that healthy luscious hair was one of the better side effects of being pregnant. Along with the bigger boobs Mandy seemed to be sporting under her sweater. Looking down at her own chest self consciously Sara felt her curls with her fingers. She'd always hated her hair.

One of the many drawbacks of growing up in a small town was that everyone knew everyone. She hadn't been able to go anywhere without someone complimenting her on how much she looked like her father. She had his eyes, his boxy shoulders, his brown curls. As a young child she would burst into tears and deny that she was anything like him. As though being similar to him in appearance could somehow mean that she also had inherited his mean streak, his impatience, his cruelty towards anything that wasn't perfect. People had chuckled amusedly at her, assuring her that her father was a very handsome man. After he died, and her private home life because public knowledge, people didn't say that anymore. In fact, after the shock and novelty of her family's tragedy had worn off people didn't talk about them at all. They had become TamalesBay's dirty little secret. The thing they didn't talk about as though admitting the truth of the events would force them to take responsibility for their own inaction.

Shaking her head Sara dragged herself back to the present and glanced over at Mandy again. "Aren't you hot with that sweater on?"

"A little, I'm fine," Mandy shrugged.

"You can take it off you know, if you want." Picking up another piece of popcorn Sara turned back to the t.v, watching as Mandy pulled her sweater over her head then drop it in her lap. Moving slowly onto her side Sara kept her legs pulled tight against her, wishing she hadn't pushed her luck with that last piece of popcorn. "When are you going on maternity leave?" She asked, trying to distract herself from the rolling waves of nausea overwhelming her body, however, before Mandy could even open her mouth to respond Sara started to wonder if discussing anything baby related could be any worse than puking for the rest of her life.

"Ten more week."

"In 18 weeks?" Sara asked curious about why the answer had been so specific.

Mandy nodded. "Couple weeks before my due date."

"Oh," Sara answered dumbly, pretending to watch the movie. "Does it move yet?" She found her mouth asking, apparently without her brain's permission.

Turning towards her and away from the t.v. Mandy gave her her full attention. "Do you want to feel? You can try if you want to. You might be able to. It's really light though… I can barely feel it myself."

Looking over at her briefly Sara realized that Mandy look entirely too excited about this. Wondering what the hell she had been thinking she politely shook her head and declined, feeling very uncomfortable with where this was headed, yet, a small part of her remained insistent. She was curious about what it would feel like to have another human being growing inside of you. Weird, was the only word she could imagine would fit. Despite her curiosity though Sara's hands remained where they were, tucked under her chin and draped over her side.

"Come on," Mandy insisted reaching out to take Sara's hand. When she continued to resist she pulled herself into a kneeling position and moved closer.

"Mandy, I really don't-," before she could stop her Mandy had pulled her into a sitting position.

"He won't bite you."

"I know that," Sara bit out pulling her legs up under her chin. Why the hell did Mandy have to be so insistent with this? It's not like Sara even cared about… it, she carefully avoided the word him. Sighing she realized that wasn't doing a very good job with keeping the peace, and surely she would have to shoulder the blame if an argument broke out. Setting her jaw she reached out slowly, unwinding the tight fist she hadn't realized had formed. Hesitating a few inches from Mandy's stomach she wondered what the hell she was thinking. Why was she sitting three inches away from what could be complete devastation when all she wanted to do was run?

Having had enough Mandy playfully huffed and grabbed Sara's hand, mercilessly pressing both their palms against her swollen abdomen. "Can you feel that?" She asked, eyes lighting up, her eyebrows raised excitedly.

Sara was about to shake her head no when she felt a strange flutter against her palm. Retreating quickly she wrapped her arms around her legs. "I didn't feel anything," with that she turned back to the movie, as if she had any interest in what was happening. The room was silent for a few moments and Sara was glad that Mandy seemed to be done torturing her finally, even if she had brought it upon herself.

"You doing okay?" The silence was interrupted.

Sara offered her a nod in response and took up the task of reading the end credits. The tension had returned to the room and Sara hoped to God that one of them would say something soon that would ease it. Her wish was granted when Mandy pushed herself to her feet and headed for the bathroom. Sighing, Sara looked over at the vacated section of the couch and spotted Mandy's sweater half tucked into the back of the cushion. Reaching over she tugged on the material, warm from having been sat on. The material was amazingly soft in her hands as she opened it up to look at it. The middle section that had been pulled taught around Mandy's middle looked wide enough to wrap around Sara twice.

Hearing the door open she quickly tossed the sweater back onto the couch just as Mandy entered the room. "Ugh, it's like he's sitting on my bladder," she muttered, taking a seat beside Sara.

"It's like the size of an avocado," Sara ground out, wondering how bad it could really be. In her opinion Mandy was simply using her situation for attention, not that Sara had any evidence to substantiate her claim.

"Yeah," Mandy smiled warmly giving her bump a gentle rub, missing the annoyance in Sara's voice, or choosing to ignore it.

Sara flipped the t.v. over to the cable and started flipping through the channels avoiding looking at Mandy who was getting comfortable against the couch arm. It didn't take long for Mandy to get to her feet again and head for the bathroom. When she heard the door shut Sara got up and peeked her head into Nick's room. She was relieved to see him sitting in bed reading. Slipping inside she closed the door behind her. "Can I come in for a bit?"

"Sure. Is Mandy still here?" Nick closed his magazine and put it on the bedside table.

"She's in the bathroom. Again." Sara took a seat beside him on the bed careful not to cause him any pain.

"I hear that happens…"

Sara shrugged as nonchalantly as she could. "I guess." Within seconds Nick's strong arms had closed around her and pulled her against him. Resisting only for a second Sara hadn't realized how much she needed a hug until she was safely secured in one. Moving slowly she lay down along the length of him and rested her cheek against his chest, closing her eyes against the rest of the world.

"What's wrong, Sugar?" Nick's deep voice rumbled in his chest against her ear.

Shaking her head Sara felt tears stinging her eyes. She squeezed them tighter, refusing to cry. "I'm just tired," she whispered.

"Why don't you send Mandy home and get some rest, Sar?" Nick rubbed her back soothingly.

Sara shook her head no, saying nothing else while his fingers played over her curls. After a short while, long after she heard Mandy exit the bathroom, Sara finally spoke. "Can I get you anything Nicky?"

"No, I'm fine. Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah," she nodded a small, genuine smile crossing her lips. "Let me know if you need anything."

Getting up slowly she fixed his covers. "Thanks for the hug, Nick."

"Anytime," he said seriously.

"I'll have some lunch for you soon. I picked up some roast beef. I'll make you one of those dip things Grissom likes." At his nod of approval she headed back into the living room to find it empty except Hank who was making a game of pinning Mandy's sweater under his paws and pulling on the collar with his teeth. Making a move to pull it off him she suddenly paused and watched his white canines pulling the threads apart. A small amount of satisfaction worked its way up her chest as she turned away and went into the kitchen. Maybe that is exactly what Mandy deserved for her show earlier, forcing Sara to feel her stomach. Gloating about how awesome it was to have such a perfect life.

She was in the middle of making Nick's lunch when she heard the back door open and close when Mandy finished up a call. A feeling of guilt washed over her when she heard the other woman call out to Hank as she wrestled her sweater off him.

When she entered the kitchen she was inspecting the damage that Hank had done.

"Hey," Sara greeted, "I'm just making lunch for Nick. Can I make you something too?"

"No thanks. Do you have a sewing kit?"

"Somewhere. I'll get it for you. Why?" She feigned ignorance then turned around. "Oh! Your sweater! What happened?"

Mandy sighed and stuck her finger through the hole where the collar had come away, "Hank got a hold of it." She shrugged, smiling now. "I can fix it."

"Hank, that's a bad boy," Sara scolded, the guilt she was feeling growing steadily more intense as she led him by his collar to the back door. Letting him outside she swallowed back the feeling and headed back into the kitchen, grabbing the sewing kit on her way through. "Sorry about that, he doesn't usually…"

"It's alright, Sara," Mandy accepted the tin and sat down at the kitchen counter, making a 'tsk' sound as she started searching for a thread to match.

"If it's that big a deal I will replace it," Sara offered as she reentered the kitchen after delivering Nick's lunch. She looked over the sweater. It wasn't even that nice. Faded from the wash and already a little frayed around the edges it wasn't like it was brand new.

"You can't. Henry got it in England, his mother lives there. We went to visit her two summers ago after his dad died and she moved back."

"I didn't know that," Sara said lamely, wondering what Mandy was expecting her to say about it.

A chuckle escaped the lab rat's mouth. "Yeah, most people don't. It's not like it was a top story on the news. 'Mandy and Henry Visit England'…." She joked in a fake newscaster voice. "Although that sounds like it could be a good sitcom. Don't steal my idea," she joked throwing Sara a wink.

Licking her lips Sara nodded, awkwardly offering Mandy a smile for her effort. She watched Mandy make a few stitches while she battled a wave of lightheadedness that had struck her suddenly. When it didn't pass she blinked slowly. "Mandy, I'm sorry but I think I need to lay down for a bit."

"Of course. Everything okay? You look pale, Sara," concern flooded Mandy's voice and she stood up.

Holding her hand up to stop her Sara shook her head, regretting the movement instantly. "I'm okay. I'm just going to get Nick some dessert and let him know that I am going to take a nap." She got the ice cream out of the freezer and added some calcium powder to the scoops she put in his bowl. "You should visit with him for a bit."

"Sure, Sara…"