Chapter 21

Dean spent the rest of the afternoon randomly adding things he thought of to his list. He did his best to avoid reading his earlier entry; the thoughts that were evoked were too poignant for him to think about.

He got up the next morning and ate breakfast, not thinking too much about his upcoming session. Dr. Morgan sat at the table, calmly reading the paper and then occasionally checking his watch.

"Got a hot date?" Dean quipped after the doctor had looked at his watch for the fifth time.

Dr. Morgan smiled.

"Actually, Dean, I am expecting someone. And I also wanted to let you know that our session today will be a little different than usual."

Dean frowned. "Different?"

The doctor nodded. "Yes. I wanted to try something new. Ah! And here they are!"

Dean followed his gaze out the window and saw Bobby's car pull up in front of the house. Dean's heart leapt to his throat when he saw Bobby and Sam get out and head to the porch. Dr. Morgan studied Dean's face carefully.

"Will this be alright for you, Dean? I thought we could try having a group session today."

Dean tried to casually shrug and act nonchalant. "Yeah. Sure. No problem."

They both got up and went to the front door. Dr. Morgan opened the door and greeted the two men standing there with a big smile.

"Bobby! Sam! I am very glad you could make it!" He said, standing aside so they could enter.

"Thanks, Leo. Glad to be here," Bobby said walking in. He looked at Dean and gave him a quick nod. "Dean. Good to see you, boy."

Dean nervously stood in the hallway, his hands stuffed deep in his pockets. He forced a smile back at Bobby. "Good to see you too, Bobby."

Sam came in behind Bobby. He looked at Dean and a happy, but anxious smile came to his face.

"Hey, Dean. How's it going?" He asked nervously.

Dean swallowed the lump he could feel forming and plastered on his brave face.

"Good. I'm good. It's… it's good to see you."

The brothers stood there awkwardly for a few minutes, uncertain of what to say to each other. Finally, Dr. Morgan broke the tension by motioning everyone to his study.

"Let's all come back here and we'll get started, shall we?"

Everyone went to the office and settled into the seats with Dean and Dr. Morgan taking their regular spots.

Dean could feel his hands tremble and his heart was thundering in his chest. Christ, why the hell was he so nervous? It was just Sam and Bobby! He couldn't shake the feeling though. He also couldn't bring himself to meet Sam's eyes. The shame of what he had put Sam through gnawed at his gut and made him sick. He sat on the couch and clutched his notebook tightly in his hands, desperate for something to hang onto.

Once everyone was settled Dr. Morgan started the recorder and cleared his throat.

"So, gentlemen, I wanted everyone here today so we can talk about Dean and what has been going on the last few months. There are several areas I would like to address, but today I want to start with Dean himself." He turned to Dean and smiled gently. "Dean, how about we start with that first list I had you make, the five positives about yourself?"

Dean squirmed uncomfortably in his seat. Shit. It was one thing to share stuff with the doc. It didn't matter what he said to him because he never seemed to judge him on it.

"Now?" Dean asked hesitantly.

"Yes, Dean," Dr. Morgan replied patiently. "Go ahead."

Dean reluctantly opened the notebook and flipped open to the page with the list, not daring to look up to see Bobby and Sam's reaction. He cleared his throat nervously.

"Um… well… I'm a good hunter," He said hesitantly. He glanced up at Dr. Morgan, who nodded at him encouragingly.

"Well, that's an understatement!" Bobby said with a sigh. "Jesus, Dean, I've seen some of the crap you've gone after! I think you can rate yourself a little higher on the scale than just good!"

Sam nodded. "He is right, Dean."

Dean let out a nervous breath and grinned. "Oh, well then if I don't have to be modest… I'm one of the best hunters in world! Hell, the universe!"

Everyone laughed and Dean felt himself relax some more. Maybe this wouldn't be quite so bad.

"Very good, Dean. What's the second thing?" Dr. Morgan asked.

"Uh…" Dean looked at the page. "I can fix my car up like new no matter what happens to her! Fixed her up after she got hit by a Mac truck!"

Dr. Morgan looked at him, impressed. Bobby nodded emphatically.

"There's no arguing that one! Never seen someone work on a car like he did! Anyone else would have scrapped the thing! Fixed that car up and you'd never know anything happened to it!"

"Excellent, Dean. How about number 3?"

Dean hesitated before reading it. "… I… I've saved a lot of lives…"

Bobby began nodding again. Sam nodded as well.

"Yeah you have. You've saved my life more times than I can count," Sam said quietly.

Dean swallowed hard at his words, not sure how to react.

"You've saved mine too," Bobby said. "That whole dream walking shenanigans would have killed me if you hadn't figured out how to get me out of there."

Dr. Morgan looked at Dean, studying his face. "How do you feel about saving so many lives, Dean?"

Dean shrugged, not being able to bring himself to look up. "I… I just… you know… do it. I don't think about it. It's the right thing to do. I have to do it."

"Why is that, Dean? Why do you believe you have to save lives?"

Dean looked at him, surprised.

"Seriously? Because I know I can. Because who else is going to? Shit, I've seen what would have happened if our lives had been different. A lot of innocent people would be dead. No one else out there really knows what's going on. I do. Sam and Bobby are probably the only other two out there who really know. The world is going to end if I don't get out there and do something about it. And saving people and hunting these monsters out there… it's the least I can do…" His voice caught and he quickly looked down, not wanting to go further.

"Why do you believe that saving people is the least you can do? Because of what happened in Hell?" Dr. Morgan gently pressed.

Dean visibly flinched and his eyes flew over to Bobby. He hadn't told Bobby what had really happened down there and he wasn't sure what Sam had said. Bobby looked back at him and cleared his throat.

"It's OK, Dean," Bobby said gruffly, trying to hide some of the emotion in his voice. "I made Sam tell me everything. I admit, I had a feeling about most it already, but Sam confirmed it."

Dean looked back down at his hands and could feel the tears stinging his eyes. Damn it, he could let himself cry! Not here! Not in front of them! He leaned his head on one hand, trying to hide his face as he struggled to regain control.

"Dean, how do you feel about Bobby knowing?"

Dean swallowed hard and shrugged, not looking up.

"He already figured it out," He managed to choke out. "It's… it's no big deal."

The group was quiet for a minute. Sam was leaned forward, sadly watching Dean. Bobby was looking helplessly between Dean, Sam, and Dr. Morgan, uncertain of what to say. Dr. Morgan still appeared calm. He looked over at Bobby and smiled.

"Tell me, Bobby. When did you first meet Dean?"

Bobby visibly relaxed and leaned back in his chair, a grin came over his face.

"Well, I met both of these boys, oh, about 23, maybe 24 years ago now. Dean, hell, the scrawniest little troublemaker I had ever seen! He was only 6 or 7 at the time and he had little Sam in tow with him where ever he went!" Bobby chuckled at the memory. "Got into every book I had in the damn house! And I don't think I had ever been asked so many questions in my entire life! What's this book, Bobby? What are the funny pictures on the wall for? Why do have so many candles? I didn't know if I wanted to kill John for bringing them over or just sit and laugh at how curious they both were!"

Dean was looking up now and grinning at the memory. Even Sam was chuckling.

"There was this one time, though. I'll never forget it! John and I were talking and Sam was sitting on the floor playing with Dean and then Dean had to go to the bathroom. That boy came right up to me and as serious as could be said, Could you watch my brother for me while I go to the bathroom? I'll be right back! I nearly fell over! It was obvious right then and there for me that Dean would always be looking out for Sam, no matter what."

Dr. Morgan smiled and looked over at Sam.

"Sam, what about your memories about you and Dean growing up? Do you have any you would like to share?"

Sam hesitated a moment before smiling and nodding.

"Actually, there was this one time, about 10 years ago. It was just me and Dean, Dad was off on a hunt. There was this girl at my school, Tracey. She was in my math class and I had the biggest crush on her."

Dean suddenly remembered what Sam was talking about and smiled.

"Tracey? Dark hair and big boobs Tracey?"

Sam scowled at him. "It wasn't just that she had big boobs!"

"They helped!"

"Anyway, I really liked her, but I couldn't bring myself to ask her out."

"I don't know why! That day at the diner she was grinning at you and flirting so much the whole place knew she liked you!"

"Well, hey, I didn't know!"

"And that's why I told you to ask her out!"

"And I did, even though I really didn't think she'd say yes."

"But she did!"

"Yeah she did. We wound up going to the Spring Formal together too. That was fun." Sam looked over at Dr. Morgan. "Dean really helped me out for that night. Took me out to help me get clothes for it. Convinced me to give her a rose…"

"Yeah, and didn't she love it?" Dean asked proudly.

Sam chuckled. "Yeah, she loved it. And he even let me borrow the car that night."

"Well, how else were you supposed to get her there?"

"I know. I just couldn't believe it."

"Don't worry. I got another car to follow you the whole way in."

Sam laughed. "Why doesn't that surprise me?"

Dr. Morgan smiled. "Did Dean do a lot of things like that when you were growing up?"

Sam nodded. "Always. He's always watched out for me. Made sure we had a Christmas every year. Always came to my soccer games when I did soccer. He taught me how to drive, hell, even taught me how to ride a bike! Any time I had a problem Dean was right there to help me. Even…" Sam began to get choked up. "Even when I died. He still was there."

The mood in the room shift and the group fell silent. Dean swallowed hard.

"I had to, Sam. You know that."

"I know, Dean, but…"

"No buts, Sam. I did it. It's done."

"But it's not done, Dean! You can't say that! Why do you think we're here now?"

"We're here because I fucked up, Sammy, and let myself get out of control! It's my own fault all this shit has happened!"

"How can you say that!? Dean, none of this is your fault!"

Dean laughed bitterly. "This is all my fault! I didn't protect you enough! I should have watched over you better! I should have never have let you get taken to that god damn town with by Yellow Eyes! I should have been able to find you sooner! And I should have kept a closer eye on you when you went to college! I should have just stayed there and made sure you were safe!"

"I was safe, Dean!"

"But then I came along and fucked it all up!"

"That wasn't your fault, Dean! You couldn't have stopped that!"

Dean swallowed hard and tears began filling his eyes.

"Maybe not. But you know what I could have stopped? I could have saved Dad. I should have just died. I should have just let that reaper take me. Everyone would have been better off and Dad would still be here."

Sam and Bobby stared at him, stunned.

"You don't mean that," Sam whispered, his eyes filling with tears.

Dean nodded emphatically, not bothering to hide the tears now.

"Dad should be the one here, not me! Dad could have stopped all of this from happening! He could have kept you safe and he could have killed that demon before all this other shit happened! He would never have let you get taken and he would never have let you get killed!"

"Boy, what the hell are you talking about?" Bobby growled. "No one could have seen what was going to happen, not even your father! Stop being so god damn hard on yourself!"

Dean shook his head. "He would have figured it out! He was already figuring it out! He just couldn't see the connections yet! If he was still here he would have it figured out by now! But he died because of me! Because I fucked things up. And…" Dean's shoulders began shaking as he began sobbing. "I know! I… I know! He… they… he had to go through it too! I know he did! I know they put him on the rack too! And for what? He died and then I fucked it all up and let you die, Sam!"

He stood up, furious and anguished as the confessions spilled out of him. He furiously threw the notebook across the room and stormed out, not wanting to see Bobby and Sam's faces as he left.