Then Neither Can He

Chapter 21

Many thanks to Brook who keeps me on track with her twisted musings and never ending appetite for Ryan Lancaster's evil ways.

"You're here damn early this morning. And you looked pretty pissed off."

The dark eyes showed indolent surprise as the older man walked into his room after announcing himself with one quick firm tap.

Dobson looked none too happy at the fact that his Detective had made an accurate observation.

"Damn right I am, and I can tell you that I am glad that this will be the last drive up here. Traffic getting out of the city is ridiculous, even at this hour of the morning. Wanted to get up here and run through a few things with you before you get discharged."

"Doc just has to do a final round – should be here soon. Then I'm bailing. Will you be right to drive me back or do you want me to organize a squad car to come get me?"

"I can take you back as long as it is not too late. There are at least two meetings I have to get to straight after lunch."

The Captain changed tact and looked back at the door as if seeing through it and beyond to the hallway and another door.

"You haven't had any more unscheduled visits from Hutchinson since I left yesterday?"

"No – he's holed up in that room with Starsky as tight as a sealed vacuum. Not even the nursing staff is getting access without Hutchinson's say so. Fucking strange relationship."

Personally Dobson was pleased to hear that the blond sergeant had barricaded himself and Starsky away from his own Detective – the whole situation was way too precarious – having the three of them accommodated so closely to together in an environment that was no longer monitored by police. The Ventura Officers had withdrawn their presence yesterday after finalizing all of the statements.

"How do you know that about the nursing staff and the other two?"

"Nurses like to talk. Like all women. Chit chat till they make your ears bleed. Stupid broads, only good for back rubdowns. Been lucky enough to pull a few of those since I've been in here. If they'd just learn to keep their mouths shut while they did it…."

Dobson cringed at Ryan's crass attitude and like so often before found that he was always a little shocked by the other man's misogynistic tendencies. Many a time it had been a battle to smooth over the damage he caused in the squad room when he belittled the female officers or administrative staff. Often he pulled him up on his sexist and demeaning remarks or crude offhand comments to the female public who might pass through the precinct. This morning however he elected to just let it float over him. There were more important issues to contend with today and Ryan's social etiquette was way down the scale of his priorities. Besides he had no desire to antagonize the nastier side of this surly man anymore than he had to. Experience taught him that Ryan suffered criticism as poorly as he suffered the female sex and his nasty side had a vicious edge.

"Ryan we need to talk about your place with these criminal allegations. Dobey and I had a preliminary meeting with I.A yesterday afternoon."

"Yeah? And? Did they go through the statements from the local cops here?"

"Yes – we looked at everything we've got so far and Dobey let them know that it was unlikely that there would be any progression of him taking this matter further legally. Starsky is not going to agree to forensic photos, the medical report alone is not conclusive enough without his statement of allegation against you."

"What a surprise! Starsky must have enjoyed himself way too much. What do you know? So, he's not going ahead with the claim that I forced anything on him?"

"Well he claims that he has no recollection of the rape itself despite the fact that the physical evidence suggests there was ….ah….violent sexual intercourse…. Basically he cannot accurately state that a rape occurred. Also I gather that it is unlikely they he is going to pursue a case against you in a court of law. Captain Dobey doesn't consider he is prepared to push it. Not that even he has had an opportunity to talk to him – the only person Starsky is having immediate contact with apart from giving his statement to Peters and Sanderson, is Hutchinson."

This information elicited a harsh laugh from Ryan.

"Of course! What else would we expect? The two of them have closed ranks like they always do and Hutch's conspiracy against me gets more potent when he has Starsky locked away from everyone else. Dobey should just damn well override him. Someone needs to teach that bastard Hutchinson that he can't own people."

"I think Dobey knows his men well enough to work out how to play it. So have you been thinking about your own position in this and how you might proceed with the Internal Affairs? "

Christ how do I handle this, handle Ryan? I have to go about this is such a way so as not to incite him or give him license to implicate me in all of this? How do I placate him and yet remove him from me so he is no longer an underlying threat to my career and to me personally?

Dobson didn't want to show how difficult this whole situation was for him. Standing here discussing the intricacies of something so personal with one of his senior Detectives was way out of his comfort zone. He was moving around in the dark here with Ryan – not sure where the black-eyed man stood amongst the allegations, not sure where he stood with his own feelings toward his officer and not sure how any of this even happened.

In the last twenty-four hours he had examined himself and his professional relationship with Ryan Lancaster. Since Hutchinson had come to him and Dobey with the allegations of what Ryan had done to his partner, Dobson had been forced to examine the level of insight he had to his enigmatic and uneven tempered Detective.

Had he known, always known that Ryan was homosexual? Not just homosexual - that was not was burning in Dobson's stomach, but prone to deviant sexual behavior? Had he? Had he suspected that there had been other times, other officers who had found exception with being partnered with Ryan Lancaster? Definitely he had not had a good track record for harmonious partnerships and more times than he cared to remember he and even his predecessor had to re-arrange teams and shuffle staff within the department when officers had been obscure about their preference not to be paired with Ryan. Partnerships with Ryan were had the shortest lifespans of any in his unit and in the past months he had been hard pressed to link him up with any experienced officers. Even when they came in as transfers they seemed to have done some homework before arriving and generally their forms requested that they not be partnered with Detective Lancaster. Of late he had dealt with this by using his Detective as training officer for young officers and rookies. This had already begun to earn him some disapproval from concerned senior officers who found this arrangement unsettling.

In general, Ryan Lancaster was a thorn in his side. But he was still one of the best street cops and undercover men he had ever had – it was just that his reputation as a highly abrasive and arrogant man had travelled too far and too wide. There was more to it than just his caustic attitude, and his disdain for others, but until the last few weeks Dobson would have easily denied this fact. Ryan had never been an easy man to like or to work with. But he was an excellent detective and his prowess on the streets and his aptitude for undercover work had made it a little easier to gloss over what he lacked in intrapersonal attributes. Dobson unlike Dobey, did not place a lot of importance on his relationship with his men and nor did he lose sleep if the staff balance in the squad room was not always harmonious. As a captain his goals were to exact results, to get the work done, the numbers up and the criminal profile of the precinct's community flattened out. If that meant turning a blind eye to some undesirable personality traits in his officers, than so be it.

He had to run a tight ship - that's what PD Captains had to do. His professional track record was always under scrutiny and he couldn't afford to get sidetracked by extraneous staff issues. Therefore he told himself and, his peers, there was no room to listen to the odd complaints from his officers about other officers. He liked to rationalize that not everybody could be happy all the time with whom they worked and because of this he turned a blind eye and a deaf ear to gossip . Hell yes, he had to admit, he even turned a blind eye to written reports if it meant that his unit kept ticking over productively. His in tray was cluttered and it was deep. Many days, weeks could pass before he could give attention to each single report or memo. Sometimes - and if he was lucky, the problem would manage to clear itself up. The staff would somehow work it out between themselves. Sometimes a request for transfer would follow on the heels of the forgotten memos...and that in itself took care of the problem for him.

But now all of this – his own smug rationalizations for how he handled Lancaster was going to be up for review. First by Hutchinson who had put him in his sights as soon as Starsky got roughed up badly on the Kalzo case and then by Dobey who had begun to listen to Hutchinson . Yesterday it was the Ventura PD who looked at him with accusatory eyes and posed questions to him that he had difficulty answering about his top Detective. Tomorrow it would be the Department's Internal Affairs who would not take long to discern that Ryan Lancaster had been able to work freely and unhampered despite a long history of peer allegations of misconduct.

He had never regretted any decision in his career more than the decision to listen to Ryan suggest that David Starsky be partnered up with him to go undercover in the Kalzo drug bust. Truth is he needed a partner for Ryan, a back up – he was fresh out of candidates and volunteers at his own precinct. But to have agreed to listen to Ryan about approaching Starsky…

But it had happened. Something was off about the whole undercover case and how it all ended up. But at the time and once more it was far easier to let the unpalatable scenario that his Detective had acted unilaterally and not only endangered Starsky but – and this he didn't want to consider, caused Starsky to be endangered be brushed away. And it was brushed away. Starsky himself made statements that concurred with Ryan's on how the operation had gone down. But still….since then, Dobson had a sickness in his gut that would not go away.

What a fucked up mess it had all become. And as the weeks had gone by Dobson's uneasiness had increased and his opinion of Ryan was being sorely tested.

And then it had all culminated in the horror show of what had occurred at the ocean house. The magnitude of this event meant which involved four police officers from two different precincts had shone the spotlight on his performance as a Captain.

As he faced the scowling superior countenance of his Detective, for the first time he envied Harold Dobey's easy but gruff camaraderie with his own men. He suspected that Dobey would have the language and the ease with which to open up the lines of communication with his officers when the subject matter turned to deep and dangerous waters like sexual preference and proclivities.

Something else was grinding in Dobson's stomach. Something else had woken him up early this morning and kept him awake until he gave up fighting it and decided to head up here early and face the matter head on. This dirty scandal that Ryan had created or found himself in, because yet Dobson still could not be sure of the origins of the drama, had meant that it was not only Ryan who was going to be judged and examined. It was him too. And the grinding in his gut this morning was that of fear – fear of Ryan Lancaster. For, although no one knew this difficult man well, Dobson knew enough of him and his ways to realize that he was more than capable of pulling his Captain down with him. If the I.A took Ryan Lancaster down which was more than likely than Ryan had the power and the pure corruption to make them take his Captain too.

Dobson had paced about the room as he spoke and now when he stopped and looked at Ryan he found the inky black eyes on him. Ryan had pulled himself back onto the bed and was sitting up high leaning against the bed head as he ran his forefinger over his upper lip in lazy concentration. His countenance was one of cool reservation as if nothing about what his Captain was saying or could in fact say was going to perturb him or seemingly relaxed mood.

His guarded eyes and conceited nonchalance increased the other man's uneasiness and for one terrible moment Dobson balked at proceeding. He really wasn't sure what to say or how to say it and in some inexplicable way the austerity of Ryan had him feeling defensive and unsure of his place.

"So you're saying Starsky is not going to press criminal charges against me and for the purposes of I.A's involvement he is also not pinning a rape on me. So then with my statement of the event being a mutually consensual one – what action is I.A going to take in the matter?"

"Ryan – just because it is not going to move into a criminal charge, hardly precludes you from scrutiny from Internal Affairs. None of this – none of it, looks particularly rosy from I.A's point of view. We won't know for a day or two – but the situation is not good, surely you must realize that – that it would come down to this."

"Come down to what Captain?"

His eyes were challenging now and Dobson preferred not to look into the dark opaque discs. Nor did he want to see Ryan's thin lips narrow as he tipped his head slightly on its side and regarded him as though he was goading him, playing with him.

"You must have known that this does not look good for your career. Even without a rape to pin on you, we have Hutchinson's statement, Riley's intervention and the fact that you and Starsky were found in a…highly…ahhh…."

"You find it distasteful to say Captain? Don't like the word?It's really not that hard... Sex. Having male on male sex?"

"Ryan, its not that I find it distasteful. It's just, whatever it is, however you describe it …the I.A will – "

"Not approve? No gays in the City PD is that it Captain? No dirty fags in the squad rooms or walking the beat, holstering a gun or carrying a Detective's badge? Too dirty for the Department's image? Won't find a queer inside the Precinct's walls - the city's finest are clean and straight. Isn't that right Captain?"

"Ryan – surely –"

"Surely! You've got it , Captain. 'Surely'. Because you know and I know that there are enough of 'us' sick queers like me, even in the Police Department. We're here, toting badges and, behind desks, in the upper echelons, on the streets, getting medals pinned on our chests, serving our city. But, and here's the bitch, we might be here but we're meant to be invisible aren't we? Isn't that the truth Captain Dobson? You would've preferred that I'd stayed invisible , kept my profile low. Would have been easier for you all round wouldn't it?..."

The handsome scowl became for boding and the white even perfect teeth were now bared through the thin hard lips and contrasted dramatically with the dark bearded shadow.

Well this time I have fucking stuck my head up and this time you're going to have to deal with it. Starsky is worth it. I made up my mind that he was worth it this time. I wanted to fuck him good and proper and no one, no official departmental bastard could stop me getting my pleasure this time. Christ it was so perfect. He was so perfect. I got my worth of Starsky and this time his own personal bodyguard couldn't do a fucking thing about it."

Did he know that his dark flat eyes looked tinged with madness? Did he hear his voice, how it quivered with fervent excitement? Did he know how on the edge of total craziness he really was?

Dobson seriously doubt it. This man before him was mutating rapidly into something that was no longer hinged to humanity. He had long ago become unhinged from the law, and way before that, and for this Dobson now felt remorse at his own role in allowing this disintegration, unhinged from morality.

For the first time he allowed himself to see this officer, this man for what he truly was.

Unbalanced, disturbed, psychologically tainted with some inherent badness.

His officer was a personification of evil.

"So you have taken Starsky's career away because of your need to have him. I hope for your sake Ryan that when all of this takes your career away too that you still think it...he...whatever it is you have wanted... was worth it."

"Not going to go in to bat for me Captain? Given up on your own Main Man? "

"I already have done plenty of times before and you know it. This time is different – way different. This time you've taken on two highly respected and professionally acclaimed Detectives from another precinct."

"Oh I see – so when I just dallied around with low life middle officers from our own precinct it didn't offend your sensibilities, but now all of a sudden it does? Now you have a duty to uphold the sanctity of the fucking department."

"It's more than that and you know it! Far more than that. It's never been close to the law, its never involved injury like this and you've never courted a situation so dangerous as this one. You've endangered lives of other officers, two of whom aren't just going to go away and crawl under a rock for you. And – consider this Ryan, one of whom is never going to leave you alone now you have done what you have to his partner."

He knew that his words were enraging his Detective but he pushed ahead – determined to convey the severity of the situation and in some way divorce himself from the culpability of this man's depraved actions. There was more to all of this than just his own role in sequence of events that had brought them to this place. Deep inside of him he was feeling bad for the man that now lay in the bed down the hospital hall. David Starsky was a good man and a fine cop. As much as he resented the way Hutchinson had pushed his buttons in the past weeks, he also respected and admired the loyalty and trust the two of them shared.

There came a point when his own sick conscience could take no more.

Never, not for a moment did he imagine that David Starsky would have entered a sexual relationship with Ryan Lancaster.

Ryan's steely black eyes were penetrative and threatening, but he was fast getting to the point where he almost wanted to throw Ryan's condescension of him back in his flawless face. With more strength than he had felt in a long while he looked directly at the hooded eyes as they challenged him.

Ryan was not happy.

"You said 'to' …'to his partner'. I find that offensive – Captain. I believe you meant to say 'with' , 'with his partner' . I've told you before, Starsky and I share a special relationship. I didn't do things to him...we did what we wanted with each other."

"You know something Ryan ? At this point in this whole mess, I really don't think that semantics are going to save you. Not this time. Not from me. Not from the I.A either - I would seriously doubt. And for damned certain, nothing will save you from Hutchinson. For even if your career was in some way salvageable, even if you could scrap up enough of your pride and glory to keep going as a cop... he will never leave you breathe peacefully again while you wear a badge and work anywhere near Starsky."

With those parting words Dobson began to back out of the room. In his mind the meeting was over.

In his mind he had reached a new plateau in his own career. A plateau where he felt unencumbered to start making some choices again. Choices that came from his heart and soul and not from his need to support a stalled career.

"Next time Hutchinson comes looking for you...don't come crying to me. I'm not likely to be your Captain anymore."

"I suggest you spend the next few hours thinking over that one. You can do that while you wait to arrange some transport back to the city – your own private transport, not a black and white. I'm leaving now so I can't offer you that lift after all."

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He had been awake for an hour or more.

Last night after having slept in the daytime sleep had eluded him. Worrying thoughts and concerns about his partner had not.

In that hour he had sat quietly with a luke-warm coffee in his hands as he watched his partner's fitful sleep. In that hour the worrying thoughts and concerns about his partner had intensified.

The man on the bed began to move around even more restlessly. When awakeness touched him, Hutch knew that the dawning of this new day would usher in worse distress for him than even last night. The distress was there in plain sight even now. Even now while sleep still encapsulated him. Fear and dread were clearly etched on his face even now – the pulled muscles of his mouth and around his eyes only a hint of what was happening in his subconscious.

The evening before Hutch had ended up calling the nurse in to administer some pain relief to Starsky, as much for its benefit in helping him to sleep as to alleviate his discomfort. In the first hours after the staff had left them, Hutch had coerced and soothed Starsky enough to settle down and attempt to sleep. He himself desperately needed rest but would not give in to it until his fretful partner could relax and let go of him. When Starsky had calmed down enough to drift off with his hand still locked into his own, Hutch had let his own exhaustion finally consume him and he fell headfirst into oblivion.

But then they had both awaken in the afternoon and Hutch felt better for his own rest Starsky only seemed to be more restless and his level of agitation had steadily increased through the late afternoon and the early evening. His frantic insistence that Hutch take him home was worrying. He uttered the request, which at some point became a pitiful plea, at increasingly regular intervals. The desperate words soon became an obsessive talisman that repeated over and over to himself and to Hutch to ward off his rising anxiety. Hutch understood all of this on an intellectual level. This was the stuff of how the mind worked immediately after great trauma. The mind's slow realization of what Ryan had done to him was starting to insinuate itself into Starsky's mind, his gut, and his heart. Bit by bit the sickness crept in and the mind's brave and valiant effort to keep it fenced off, started to falter. His mind had been kind to him in the beginning. It had shielded him and locked itself away from the pain and the hurt. Starsky couldn't remember. And now the fact that Starsky couldn't remember the most graphic parts of the event was even more reason for him to be fearful.

Hutch knew that Starsky was terrified of when the memory would invade him. When the kindness of the mind had reached its end.

Starsky's attempt to have him validate every assurance with a promise was unnerving. He had always been the only one that Starsky trusted but this was almost as though he was fearful that his touchstone in Hutch was going to disappear. And the way that Starsky was closing the ranks on anyone other than him left him overwhelmed with the responsibility of Starsky's psychological welfare.

He had tried to reason with him that he might take up the suggestion that the Doctor had made to Hutch earlier that they bring in a counselor to begin some early supportive post trauma sessions.

But Starsky would have none of it.

"Just you Hutch. No one else. I don't want anybody else in here or with me. Promise me – no one else."

I'm not equipped to help you here properly Starsk. This is all frightening stuff for me too - I don't know how to support you through this…what if I'm doing or saying the wrong things?

But he didn't say this to him. None of it. Intellectually, Hutch knew it was too raw and too fresh yet for his partner to undergo psychological intervention and in the meantime he knew that he was the best person, the only person that should be with his partner at this point of the aftermath. It had always been this way with them…and irrespective of the nature of the trauma, this was still the best way for them.

But this was by far the most difficult aftermath he had ever found himself in with his partner following a trauma. This was no gunshot wound, no knife wound, no run of the mill physical beating, or even God help him the aftermath of forced drug abuse…..this was a trauma that had no known markers. It had blown a hole through his partner's soul, through his mind and his spirit. And as it went with them, if Starsky was hurting than so too was he.

Even for it had ripped asunder his own sense of what he could assimilate about mankind. Witnessing what had been done to his partner had lowered the bar for him on humans as a race. He recalled how utterly shell-shocked he had felt straight after the incident when his mind was not able to file and make sense of the Ryan's barbarism. If what he had done to Starsky had shocked him to the core, then he could only imagine how Starsky was going to feel about it when the memory broke through. It was apparent from Starsky's rising distress that his mind's denial gates were starting to buckle under the pressure.

Last night's defensive curled up body posture, his darting furtive glances about the room or startled jumps at noises from outside the room and his constant requests for assurances that there would be no more interviews, no unexpected drop ins to the room…were all a clear manifestation of the brittleness of Starsky's mood.

Starsky's reprieve from the nightmare of what Ryan had done was soon to be over.

Putting aside the coffee, Hutch moved up closer to the side of the bed and looked down at his partner. It was becoming too hard to continue to watch him toss about the bed, mangling his sheets about his limbs and probably himself by pushing at his wound. The last thing he wanted to do was to bring him into awareness and the cruel morning light that first days after trauma always brought a victim. So much easier to stay where reality was at kept at bay. But Starsky's sweating, lined face suggested that wherever he was now in his dreams was not safe for him.

Returning from the bathroom with a cool wet washer and another dry towel he approached him carefully with the intent to wake him. At least he could be here beside him to help him make that first ungodly transition from sleep to wakefulness.

Dabbing the damp cloth across his forehead he started to gently bring him to the surface and out of the clutches of the bad dream.

"Hey? Hey? Starsk ….you're here with me, there's no one else in this room. Just us. Safe for you to wake up now and look at me. Can you hear me?"

His hot face concerned him and he moved the cloth down to gently press it onto the wet throat and neck that was vivid with the dark bruises…finger marks of Ryan.

In his mind's eye Hutch had Ryan pressed hard to the floor with his own big hands squeezing…..squeezing….cutting off his air supply. He wouldn't stop, he couldn't stop once he started. Ryan would die beneath his hands….die…he would die.

"Hutch?"

"Yeah…I'm here. I've been waiting for you to wake up you big sleepy head. How're you doing? Any pain?"

"Hospital? Still here?"

"Yes…we're still here. How's your pain? Do you want me to call for an injection or some pills? Hey you're sweating here. Let me cool you down. You're so hot Starsky. We need to get your temperature checked out. Maybe you have a fever…"

"Dream…dream…Hutch…"

He was reaching out again trying to find Hutch's hand, locating it he pulled hard on it and pressed into his chest as he rolled onto his side, curling again into his favored fetal position from the previous day.

"I know buddy. I could see you were dreaming. But its over now and you're out of it. Not real – just a dream. I'm here and there is no dream anymore."

"No – the dream …..s' not over really…never be over …will it? Not a dream….was it real Hutch? What I dreamed? It was –"

"No Starsky, it is over. It was just a dream. It is not happening anymore. It's in the past. You're safe now. The dream can't hurt you."

But of course it could.

Of course it would.

And Starsky's right.

The dream would never be over.

Suddenly an urgency seemed to overtake Starsky and he frantically attempted to pull himself upright. At least Hutch could see that he was moving a lot more freely this morning.

"He's still here isn't he? Ryan's still here?"

Hutch could only nod.

"Get me out of here please. No more – I have to leave this morning. I'm goin' home Hutch – ya' gonna take me, cos if ya' don't I'm gonna go anyway…"

And then a downcast movement of his eyes showed his immediate regret of the open threat.

"Need you to take me home. Just sign me out and let's go. This morning. We've done it before – you know we have. Plenty of times."

"Starsky those were times when you weren't hurt so seriously, so deeply. I'm worried I can't take care of you how I need to. I'm scared that I don't how to help you."

And then the truth.

"I'm as scared as you Starsk. As scared as you that I can't make it all better for you…..not this time. I can't stand seeing you like this, and I know there's more pain and hurt deeper inside you. What if I can't cope? What if you just fall apart and there's nothing I can do? This is bigger than we've ever dealt with Starsky. I don't want to make the wrong decision here."

"No wrong decisions when we just stick together. And when I fall apart I want to be away from here – from him – and when I fall apart, all I need is here looking at me with big sad eyes. Just you Hutch – you don't have to make it better. Ya' just have to be you and ya just have to be beside me. From there we'll work it out. "

A few moments later when the door opened lightly after the faintest of knocks the Doctor and his nurse moved quietly into the room.

Whether their unobtrusive entrance was perceived or not, the two men remained in their tight embrace and made no effort to break apart.

The nurse was thinking to herself what a beautiful and rare sight it was to see two special friends offering each other comfort and affection.

The Doctor was thinking that it would surely be the first time he had ever witnessed such an open display of caring emotion between two heterosexual males.

For the two clutching on to each other like their lives depended on it…..it was nothing out of the ordinary.

When the Nurse disturbed them as she retrieved the metal backed chart from the foot of the bed, Hutch looked up and acknowledged their presence.

With a final look from Starsky he gave a small nod and slowly unwrapped his arms from his shoulders.

Turning to the Doctor he spoke in a tone that would brook no argument or debate.

"I'll be taking my partner home this morning. It's what he wants and I believe it's in his best interests."

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