THE NIGHTINGALE JOURNALS

A/N: For those of you avoiding the previous chapter, this is the one you can read without worry. Promise.

Things I don't own: Anything Twilight. It all belongs to Stephenie Meyers. Neither do I own a four-day pass to Comic Con, as the website was total and complete FAIL today. *pouts*

Thank you so much to Ladyeire72 for her patience with me.

Thanks to my beta, Trinity/TFX, who is just as delicious as the yummy treats she bakes.

CHAPTER TWENTY: THE ORIGIN OF LOVE

For those who did not read the previous chapter, Edward and Bella had some redhot smexytimes, and that's about all they accomplished. This here? Meat and potatoes time. They are relaxing in bed together in post-coital bliss after the epic smexytimes.

I hear Edward sigh deeply.

"What is it?"

"Oh, nothing. I'm just completely satisfied at the moment. You are such an exquisite creature, Bella Swan."

"Not really; I just happen to be very in tune to my own body. I know what I like and dislike. It's simply far more important to deal with the 'likes,' don't you agree?"

Edward places my hand over his erection, and watches the satisfied grin bloom on my face.

"Yes, I agree."

Now that my hand is once again on his hard cock, I can't help but play around down there. It's his own fault; he has no one to blame but himself.

"I know that I tease you about it, but I am blown away by how much you love my cock, Bella. You give it such perfect attention. I can feel your adoration in every touch. Our bodies are perfectly in synch. Thank you for all of that." He places his hand over mine, and we both move over his length together, no real plan in mind.

"Most women are so confused by an uncut cock, they have no idea what to do. Here I lust after you for literally years, thinking you're the most amazing woman I've ever seen, and the first time you get your hands on me, you do the syringe thing? I don't think you understand how much that meant to me. You were already my dream girl. I literally felt like I was dreaming when you handled me so fucking perfectly. Goddamn, I love it. So much."

I start to giggle. He looks at me, brows furrowed, clearly confused.

"What?"

"I can't believe I thought you were gay at first. What was I thinking? You are always all over me, you horny man."

"Right, unlike you, who shies away from sex at every opportunity."

"Hey, I'm not going to apologize for being open sexually. It is life's greatest pleasure, and I openly admit to that. I refuse to play any of the usual sexual games that most women seem to enjoy."

"How many partners have you had, by the way?"

"Are we really talking about this?"

"Yes, we're really talking about this. It's important to know about one another's sexual history."

"Edward, you are well aware that I've had sex before, many times. The only explanation I owe you about my sexual history is what my status is regarding STDs and which method of birth control I use. You know that I am clean and that I'm on the pill; I know that you are clean. The only thing that matters is that we are exclusive, and that neither one of us have a plan to sleep with anyone else. I understand what I like sexually, and actively seek it out. Why the hell can't everyone just fuck and be happy? It isn't more complicated than that."

"Bella, it just bothers me that other guys have seen the intimate side of you. I'm selfish enough to want to keep that all to myself. Knowing that other guys have been there just bums me out."

"Don't you get it, though? No one has ever made me feel the way you do, Edward. My feelings, my responses, they're all uniquely yours. Those belong to you. Hell, I belong to you. How could I possibly want someone else, now that I've been with you? We're creating our own story here."

"I know it's irrational. I see that, but I still can't help feeling like this. I've always been open to women's sexual freedom, until I met you. Now all I want is for you to be mine."

"I just told you that I'm yours. All yours. If I didn't have my past experiences, I wouldn't be who I am today, and you wouldn't want me in the same way."

He looks at me with intensity. "No matter what your experiences may or may not have been, Bella, I guarantee that I would want you in exactly the same way." He pulls me in so closely I can feel his erection against my thigh.

"Then that's all that matters—who we are together, and what we want together. Just the two of us, exclusively."

"It isn't like I have any options here, Swan. I'd be lost without you. You understand that's what this all comes down to, right? A concern that you might choose someone else."

"You silly, adorable, frustrating man! What part of 'I belong to you' do you not understand?"

"I need to know who it was that turned you against dating doctors, Bella. Please. Knowing that there is some asshole out there who nearly ruined my chances of being with you is driving me to distraction."

My heart clenches, and it seriously feels as though it just broke. How can I possibly taint what I have with Edward by bringing up my past with that fuckhead?

The hurt look on Edward's face is what gets me. I guess I do have to tell him, but this is one door that I never wanted to reopen. Closing my eyes, I tell him my story.

"I met James McCullough during my clinicals on the neuro floor. He was still a first year resident at the time, but he always stood out. He was like the bad boy doctor—all the other nursing students were attracted to him."

"McCULLOUGH? You slept with that fucking English twat?"

"Please, Edward, just let me finish."

I feel him kiss my knuckles, and he sighs deeply. "I'm so sorry, Bella. Please go on."

"All the other nurses were flirting with him, and he was charming the medical students, too. He worked his accent for all it was worth. It's like he came complete with his own posse. I instantly distrusted him."

Being the kind, caring man that he is, Edward just squeezes my hand silently this time, allowing my story to tumble out.

"When I was the only nursing student who wouldn't flirt with him, he took notice. He started seeking me out, ending up in the same places as me, coming to see patients when I was in the room. Of course, I had no idea he was doing that. I would never presume that he would be interested in mousy old me."

"Be careful who you're calling 'mousy.' I happen to find you anything but," he tells me, kissing my forehead.

I give him a weak smile and continue.

"I was his biggest challenge ever; he treated it like a game. I'd never had many boyfriends, of course, so I was a little naïve at the time. I dated some guys in high school, but I was still pretty young and inexperienced."

"Did you lose your virginity to him, Bella?"

I feel my heart crush in my chest again. Tears start to fall from my eyes, completely unwittingly.I hear my voice shakes as I start to speak.

"Yes."

"I'll fucking kill that bastard! I have always hated him!"

The look of anger in Edward's eyes scares me. I think he means every word. I put my hand on his chest to stop him. I notice that his fists are clenched, forcing his knuckles to turn white.

"Let me finish!"

He looks at me and gives me a curt nod.

"He followed me around and hunted me down, but never to the point of being creepy. He was always very careful to temper his attention so as not to arouse suspicion. It was flattering that he chose me over all the other prettier nurses in my class. One weekend, we ended up at the same party, and one thing lead to another, and we started making out. He was my first parka, I'm sad to say. We didn't have sex that first time, but I definitely got the lay of the land. He was so charming, and he made me feel so special, because he chose me over all the other prettier girls.

"On the last Friday of our clinical rotation, the medical students and nursing students on the floor decided to go to happy hour. Naturally, James was there. I drank more than I should have, but we were all having so much fun. He was very tactile, focusing his attentions on me. When he kissed me in public, I was stunned. He led me out of the bar, to the back alley, and we started making out again."

Edward looks like he's going to vomit. I feel so ashamed to admit this to him, but I know I have to get this out. I take a deep breath before I continue.

"Before I knew it, he was unwrapping a condom. I tried to explain that I was a virgin, but he kept kissing me, so I couldn't get the words out. This wasn't the scenario I had in mind when I imagined losing my virginity. He wasn't the person I wanted to give my virginity to. I tried to push him away, but he didn't take the hint. I was too embarrassed to ever say no outright."

"He fucking rapedyou?"

"Calm down, Edward. No, he didn't rape me. I never told him no."

"He never fucking let you breathe, how the hell were you supposed to say no?"

"Believe me, had I wanted to, I could have said no. I just sort of gave up. I figured that since I had to lose my virginity sooner or later, this was an opportunity to do so. How many women's first sexual experiences are awesome and memorable? I don't think I've ever heard of one. So I chose to let it happen. I basically got it over with."

"I can see why you hate him, and don't trust doctors."

"That isn't why, Edward. It's part of the reason, but not the main reason."

"What the fuck else could he have done that's worse than that?"

"Once I had been conquered, of course, my appeal was gone. The next time I saw him, he walked right by me."

"That fucking fucker fuck—"

"That's still not it."

Edward is now rocking his body, punching his fist into the bed, trying so valiantly to contain his anger for my sake.

"It wasn't until my next clinical rotation that I learned about the true extent of the damage. Another med student asked me out, so I said 'yes.' He seemed nice, and I figured that I would have more control if we were on a date. I was eager to get James out of my head. When he came to pick me up, he basically started making the moves on me immediately. I was so confused. Why would someone treat me like that? I pushed him away from me and asked him to stop. He got angry with me and asked why I was being such a tease. I told him that I had done nothing to make him believe such things about me, and that's when he said it: 'Well, McCullough told me you were a hot and easy lay. I just wanna get fucked.'"

"Jesus Christ, Bella! That's awful! How did you not happen to mention this before?"

"Edward, it isn't like it was my proudest moment! I have no desire to advertise that particular event in my past. I simply vowed to never again date a doctor; I knew, no matter what, that I would always suspect that any interest in me would be due to what James had said. And don't worry about me—I made very good use of the defensive moves my police chief father taught me. The asshole walked funny for about a week after I was finished with him."

"How can you even talk to McCullough anymore? You still have to see him when he consults on neuro patients."

"Let's just say I'm older, I'm wiser, and living well is the best revenge. I have way too much self-respect to allow my life to fall to shambles because of that piece of slime. It was simply a mistake of youthful innocence, and now I know better."

"Is that why it has been so long since you've been with someone?"

"Yes. I'm extremely careful about who I let into my bed."

"God, Bella, I wish to hell I could take that away from you. I wish it had been different."

"You know what? I don't. Truly," I say as he scoffs at me. "I learned so much from that experience, and it allowed me to set my own rules about what I want and what I expect for myself."

"But he ruined your reputation!"

"Did he, really? Hell, no. So there was a bunch of stupid idiot med students out there who believed James McCullough for a few weeks. You better fucking believe that news of the other guy's crushed balls made the gossip circuit just as quickly. No one believed James after that."

"I've always hated that guy."

"Yeah, well, he became a neurosurgeon; that explains everything, right there. He doesn't have anything on me, Cullen, not really. He's a total idiot jerk, and I'm a strong, independent woman who knows what she wants now."

"He made my job a lot more difficult than it needed to be."

I laugh out loud at that. "What?"

"You were so resistant to me at first."

I nod my head in agreement. "It's true, I was. You scared the hell out of me. Remember, I've been dead set on remaining unattached. You were far too perfect. That's why I thought you were gay—no man could be that wonderful and be single without being suspect."

Edward laughs hard at the memory of my assumption. "Well, I quickly proved that I was neither gay nor perfect."

"Oh, I agree, you are definitely notgay. The jury's still out on the perfect. To date, I haven't witnessed any signs of imperfection."

His face softens at my words. "No, Bella, you can't think that. How can we ever be together if you refuse to see me as the completely fallible person that I am?"

"You are never fallible with the important stuff, the things that matter. That's what I mean."

"Do you have any idea what it means to me to hear these things come out of your mouth? To be the object of your affection? It's almost too much. I will never do enough to deserve that."

I place my palms on both of his cheeks, looking directly into his beautiful green eyes to remain focused on what I need to say. I take a deep breath before I begin. I need to say what I have to say slowly and deliberately.

"Wherever you happen to be when you find love, or when it finds you, you cannot question it—you need to accept it. You have to grab it by the horns and embrace it. You never know who that one person is going to be for you until the very moment they arrive. Whomever it happens to be—there you will find your happiness.

"Edward Anthony Cullen, I love you. I accept and embrace that you are my happiness." I feel myself flush with my admission.

I hear Edward's breath escape, as if I've just let all the air out of a balloon. "What? Did I hear you right?" he whispers, unable to grasp those three small words.

"Yes, absolutely. It's true. It has been true for a long time. Probably since after the first code we did together. I took one look at you with the patient, and I knew. Even if I couldn't put the feeling into words at that moment, in retrospect, it was love. I do, Edward. I love you so much," I explain, quietly.

He shakes his head slowly, bit by bit, as I speak to him. It's almost as if he cannot hear what I am saying.

"You love me? How is that even possible?"

"I just told you how. It was you. It was always you."

"Bella, I've lusted after you since the first moment I laid eyes upon you. You were just a nursing student at the time. I've never told you this before, but I actually went to the school of nursing after I saw you, to find out your name. I was creepy enough that I took a picture of your picture so I could see you whenever I wanted to. I chose to become a Fellow in the PICU in no small part because of you. I want to become a PICU Attending mainly because of you. To hear you say the words 'I love you' before I even told you how much I've been in love with you, you have no idea what that means to me! Today will forever be the best day of my life, knowing that you love me, too. Oh my god, you love me!"

Edward has the goofiest look on his giddy face. He must truly be a social retard if he missed the cues of my affection for him. Hell, a blind man in space could have read my cues! To think that this started as a fight about how many sexual partners I've had, only to get to a point where we both professed our absolute love for each other. Apparently, wonders will never cease.

I guess I owe James McCullough more than I realized. It's worth every bit of pain if Dr. Edward Cullen is what appears at the end of the rainbow.

We're holding each other's faces, staring at ourselves with googoo eyes, when Edward's phone rings. It's the DoctorWho theme music.

"Doctor Who?"

"Carlisle."

Goddamn, I love this man exponentially more with each increasing second.

I can only hear Edward's side of the conversation, of course, but he basically reiterates everything he left in his e-mail. He confirms the pharmacy's findings regarding the syringe of morphine.

"No, Dad, you don't have to come home. McCarty can handle the investigation until you return. You guys just left!"

He's tugging at his hair in frustration, as if I haven't already messed it up enough.

"Well, yes, you are the Medical Director, but it isn't like we're going to catch her overnight. We could get a system in place to monitor her without you."

He opens and closes his mouth several times while listening to Carlisle's reasoning.

"Actually, I hadn't thought of that. That's kind of genius, Dad."

I can hear Carlisle laughing in the background. I can't wait to hear his thoughts.

"Do you need us to do anything special to make arrangements for your return?"

I watch as Edward jots down some information. I get slightly sidetracked by the way he holds the pen in his fingers. His hands are so ridiculously beautiful they almost look artificial. No one's hands are that perfect; it's seriously insane. I'm still staring when he hangs up the phone. He looks at my eyes, and sees what I was just looking at. He responds by bringing out the crimples.

Thatboyhasnoshame,usingthecrimpleswithsuchrecklessabandon.

"Well, I'm not happy about it, but my father insists on spearheading the investigation of Lauren Mallory. He wants to use your skills to catch her. You are going to follow Lauren on each of her shifts, so you can document any anomalies that should arise in medication dispensation and wasting. My parents are coming home almost immediately."

My suddenly heart aches in that clenchy way it's been doing lately; the sensation causes me to gasp.

Edward's face is a mask of concern. "What is it, Bella?"

"I'm not ready for this to be over yet. I think my heart just broke."

ENDNOTE: As an aside, the event between Bella and James in this chapter fits the definition of rape. The fact that Bella never said the word "No" doesn't imply consent. The only way to know that a partner is consensual is when they give a clear "Yes" to having sex. James also used physical force against Bella, especially when he kissed her in order to keep her silent. Bella was physically resisting him and her body language showed that she clearly didn't want sex. On top of it all, Bella had alcohol in her bloodstream, and an individual can be too intoxicated to legally give consent.

Bella has a different point of view on what happened to her, and in her own mind, it wasn't rape; Edward was technically correct in saying she was raped. I don't want anyone reading this story to believe that if they were in a similar situation to Bella, they weren't raped and thus, can't report it; her experience fits the legal definition of rape. If someone forces you to have sex when you don't want to, even if you don't use the word "No," it's rape. Clear and simple.

"Why can't everyone just fuck and be happy?" belongs to Ninapolitan; I'm just borrowing it because it is so awesome.