On Pets and Despair
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June was in a Mood.
Sometimes it would come over her after quietly stalking her for many months and get stronger and stronger until it overwhelmed her. She was indeed overwhelmed.
It had been a horrible week for June. She wasn't sure how it started, but she realized on Tuesday that it had been several days since she had eaten or slept normally. She would sometimes take naps in the afternoon, but now she was taking them all day. She would come back from her classes and plop down on her bed and fall asleep. The thing was, she wasn't even tired. She just didn't want to be awake.
At night she would drag herself down to the common room. After a few minutes of trying to do homework, she realized she'd rather do anything else. So she wearily climbed the stairs and went back to sleep. She had slept through two classes already by the end of Tuesday, inadvertently of course. She constantly forgot what homework was due when. Her classes were spent slouched in a corner in a bleary eyed stupor.
On Wednesday morning, she was once more confronted by her incompetence. As soon as she entered the classroom, almost late, Professor McGonagall had collected essays. Crap! she thought. She had completely forgotten about the darn essay. Professor McGonagall was surprised when June admitted after class that she hadn't completed the assignment.
"That's not like you, June," the professor had said, concern lining her forehead. You don't know what's like me, June had thought coldly. You don't know what's like me at all.
The next day she had forgotten the Vampire essay for Professor Delacour. She didn't even bother to ask after class if she could turn it in late for half-credit.
Potions was a complete mess. Professor Snape had learned quickly that he should pair Neville and June together as a potion-making team only if he wanted the entire class to be killed from the explosion that ensued. The two protested fiercely, but for once the entire class was behind Professor Snape's decision on partnering. Even partnered with Seamus, June had managed to accidentally put in more lacewing than newt lips, which for some reason caused a reaction that made a deadly acid which burned straight through the stone floor underneath. It was the third cauldron that June had burned the bottom out of that month. It had burned the edge of her shoe off, just barely missing her foot. Papa had been furious, especially since it was a mistake she had already made before. He took a whole thirty points off Gryffindor. She had started crying in the middle of class. She didn't even know why she was so upset - surely not over some stupid points. Papa had been unsure what to do with her, and finally shoved her in his office while he finished the Potions class.
She had been crying a lot lately, come to think of it. She had completely freaked out during a Divination quiz. As she was not fond of the class, she didn't bother taking the time to study for it. With the quiz in front of her she was confronted with the fact that she didn't know a thing. You are a miserable, stupid loser, she told herself hotly. She had made up some answers and cursed herself for being such a moron. You are too stupid to be breathing, she had told herself. She had ended up getting the second highest grade. She had no idea why or how. Stupid Divination. Stupid professors. Stupid school.
She was now missing dinner along with breakfast. She just didn't want to go through the effort to launch herself out of bed and all the way down to the great hall. Poop, she'd think to herself upon seeing the time as she rolled over and fell back asleep. The last thing she told herself was, I'll wake up in twenty minutes. She woke up two hours later, halfway through Ancient Runes. She'd curse herself again for being such an imbecile and she scurried around trying to find her books, which were hidden somewhere under bed. Or where they in her trunk?
There was one day when June slept through all three meals. Hermione had wakened her early in the evening, trying to get her to go down to the kitchen for some food. She refused. She thought about getting up to start on the several projects that were piling up, but she couldn't bear the thought of the effort it would require to actually get out of bed and walk over to her desk and start reading the texts. She rolled over and stared at the wall, still sensing Hermione's presence behind her.
Hermione left, but was replaced by Llian, who woke June from her sleep with a gentle shake. "June are you okay? Are you really tired?" he asked.
"No," she answered. "I'm not tired at all. Being asleep is just more bearable than being awake right now." He left.
She awoke to another pair of hands shaking her awake. "What?" she snapped crossly, her eyes still unfocused in the dim room. It was Papa.
He sat next to her on the bed. "Will you drink this for me?" he asked, indicating a vial he had brought.
"What is it?" she asked warily.
"It'll help you feel better," he said. "You won't want to think all the things you've been thinking. You'll feel more cheerful and relaxed. And hopefully you'll want to get up in the morning and go to class."
How had he known what she had been thinking? She shrugged and rolled over.
"June, please," he insisted. She sat up and took the vial and set it on her nightstand. "Drink it now."
"I'll drink it later." He watched her. He knew she was lying. "Look," she said crossly, "nothing is wrong with me. I just don't want to awake right now. I've had a bad week."
"You been having a bad week for a couple weeks now," he commented.
"It'll go away."
"Will it?"
"It always does." He tried unsuccessfully to make her drink the potion, but she refused. He finally left after extracting a promise from June that if it didn't get better and the thoughts didn't go away that she would let him know and drink the potion. She had her fingers crossed, but it got Papa out of the room. She just wanted everyone to leave her alone.
Walking into Astronomy class at midnight, the professor announced that she hoped the class had studied for the test. Test? June racked her fuzzy mind for any mention of a test. She couldn't believe how stupid she was. She was a failure. A loser. She would never do anything with her life, because she never had. She couldn't stand going through life a nobody. She would rather be dead. She started crying after the announcement and was promptly sent to Madame Pomfrey.
Madame Pomfrey didn't know what to do with her either. June rolled over and tried to sleep again. If she was asleep she didn't have to think. She dimly heard Madame Pomfrey tell someone that she wasn't qualified to deal with this kind of illness. Someone else mentioned sending June away somewhere but Llian unexpectedly burst out, "Over my dead body!" He remembered.
June barely remembered the time when Llian had first found her. She didn't remember much about the place she had been either, or the people. But she remembered the doctor. She didn't even remember his name, but she knew that he had been a doctor because of all the degrees and certificates that lined his wood paneled walls. Once a week, someone would bring her to his office, which was a magical place. She would have to sit in an uncomfortable chair and tell him how her week had been. Once she talked enough to satisfy him, she was allowed to play with all the magnificent toys that were in the big toy chest in his office. She liked to take the dolls and invent scenes with them, pretending that they were acting out one of the plays she had written. She said the doll's lines silently, so all the doctor saw was a little girl sitting on the ground staring for hours at the two dolls she held. He had taught her how to hold a bat to play baseball, how to make clay mugs and figurines, how to watercolor in that office. She hated the part at the beginning where she was supposed to talk, but it was worth it because of the toys. She had enjoyed her time with the doctor. But then he had betrayed her.
June knew she was different than everyone else. Her earliest memories of school all traveled along the same line of thought: alienation. She remembered walking over to the swing set and starting to swing next to the popular girls in her class. They huddled in a group, glaring at her. They left to go by the slide. June followed them.
"Can I play with you?" she asked them.
They huddled closer and made a group decision. One girl came forward as spokesperson for them all. "You can't play with us today." June went away deflated. Maybe they would let her play tomorrow. She wandered the playground dejectedly. There was one other kid like her, a social reject that roamed the playground throwing sand at the other kids, but she didn't remember his name or what had happened to him since. She remembered his annoying questions.
"Why do your eyes change color?" he asked.
One of the first things June had learned was that she was unnatural - a freak. She had been taken to a doctor by a lady at the orphanage, who examined her eyes in detail. The eye doctor couldn't find anything wrong with her, although it was a very nice lady who gave her a lollipop after the examination.
She remembered seeing lots of people. Why did everyone want her to see people? There was a lady who came to see her in the middle of every week. They would go for long walks while the lady tried to get her to talk. Everyone wanted June to talk. It would solve all her problems, they said. But she didn't understand - they didn't understand. It wouldn't solve her problems. She didn't have problems. She didn't want to talk. It had been a nice lady, though. She had bought June purple sugary gum.
Then there was the Board. She had no idea who they were. It had been after she saw them that she started seeing so many people. The first time she went to see them she had been seven. They were seated stiffly around a table, straight and proper in their suits. She had sat in a chair in front of them while they grilled her with all kinds of questions. How was she getting along with the other children? Did she sometimes see things? Did she sometimes hear things that other people didn't hear? Did she sometimes have bad dreams? At first she had been reluctant, but they explained that they were there to help her. They understood what she was going through and that it must seem strange and bizarre to her, but they would make everything better.
For the first time in her life, she began to hope. They would understand! They had the answers June needed! So she told them everything: about the Dreamtime and the auras and the ghosts that sometimes came to her and how she could move things with only her mind and how she could create things out of thin air. They had listened in silence, writing constantly on their clipboards and notebooks. She was relieved as she left the room - the people with answers would solve her problems for her.
It was the last time she ever depended on someone else for help. She was taken to a different place after that. She couldn't stay at the orphanage, they said. She was a danger to the other children. She was a danger to herself. She was dangerous, they said. And she believed them.
Then she was at the place with the bars on the windows, and that was when her memory became foggy. Llian later went over her files with her, once he had found her and rescued her. They had been drugging her practically into oblivion. June used to have violent temper-tantrums - an obvious sign of delirium. They never knew when she would start becoming violent towards other people, even though she only showed a tendency to be violent towards herself. June didn't remember all the names they attached to her, but the main one was schizophrenic. The other patients were strange and disorganized. She couldn't relate to them at all. The grown-ups seemed to notice this, but didn't know what else to do with her. It was a bleak existence.
June had been ten years old when she decided she didn't want to live anymore. She was a horrible person - everybody said so. She couldn't do anything right. Whatever she did, it wasn't what they wanted. She continued to throw things without touching them and change fellow patients into lizards. She continued to see a never ending supply of doctors who were supposed to help her. But they couldn't help her. No one could tell her what the Blue Field was where she would magically be transported, or how to control her dreams and how to tell what was a vision and what was real. In fact, she found life a lot more bearable if she just pretended that nothing was wrong.
If she had been good like they wanted her to she wouldn't have started to think about those horrible things, and then they wouldn't have started her on the new treatment. The doctors called it electroconvulsive therapy. She wasn't sure how it was therapy since she didn't remember any of it. One day a week she wasn't allowed to eat breakfast with anyone else and she would scream and throw a fit because they were taking her back to the room with the machine. Her memory became a blur there and came back a day or two after the treatment, her entire body sore and mind numb.
She hadn't liked it. Llian especially hadn't liked it when he found her. He had told her that they were just torturing her and it wasn't right. But it was right, because June had made her carmine light fly. She deserved everything that happened to her and much more. She was a murderer. She hadn't meant to kill him, but.
June was happy to be at Hogwarts, really she was, but she found the classes became longer and longer. All she could think about anymore was the next time she could close her eyes and make everything go away.
Llian and Neville tried their best to drag her out of her bed. They suddenly were full of ideas for picnics and outings and walks of all sorts. Neville visited her every spare moment he had. He would grab a sandwich and apple instead of eating dinner and try to amuse June with the Weasley twin's latest prank, or a joke book he had found in the library. There were here again, this Saturday afternoon, asking her to go for a walk. What did she need to go on a walk for? She sighed and allowed them to pull her out of bed. She had nothing better to do anyway.
Llian held June firmly by the arm. He knew it was very unlikely that suddenly run and jump out the window, but he had learned the hard way to never underestimate her. He remembered the last time this had happened. They had been in Santa Fe, New Mexico at the time. She had been in what she called a Mood. She slept all day, refusing to go to school every morning. After the first week, Llian abandoned all though of going himself. He couldn't leave her alone when she was like this.
He had watched her like a hawk. They ate a lot of soup and sandwiches for those few weeks. Llian was sure to never set the table with knives. He took all the sharp utensils out of the small apartment they were renting and threw them away. He couldn't risk June's hurting herself. But she had been resourceful, as always. If she hadn't recovered, he would never have forgiven himself. When he found her lying on the bathroom floor in a pool of her own blood, he had only blamed himself for not watching her carefully enough. If she hadn't been so weak from not eating, she would have been able to cut deep enough, and he would have lost her.
Neville was full of nervous chatter as they walked along Hogwarts' stone halls. As they turned the next corridor, they ran smack into Fleur Delacour. She looked extremely excited.
"What's up, Professor?" Llian asked nonchalantly.
"I have found ze Boggart!" she announced triumphantly.
She had been looking for one to demonstrate on with her Defense Against the Dark Arts classes. June suddenly perked up. "Can we see it? Llian and I have never gotten to practice on a real Boggart."
"Certainly," the young professor said and she led them back to her office. They stood before the closet door, listening to the slight racket the Boggart was making inside. "Zey are tricky creatures, ze Boggarts. Do you know the charm?"
"Yes, we've learned all about that, we just haven't practiced for real yet," Llian said.
"Why don't you go first," June suggested.
Llian paled slightly. "I think you already know what's going to come out of that closet, and I'm not sure how to deal with it." June nodded. She knew perfectly well what Llian feared the most - a fear that wasn't unfounded. She had seen enough of his nightmares to know. Llian stood silently a few seconds. He turned back to the other three. "I don't know what to do. Can I try it anyway?"
Professor Delacour looked troubled. "I would not like to bring you harm. But I will not stop you."
Llian opened the closet door, waiting for his sister to walk out, bracing himself for the blood he would see running down her arms and neck once again. June indeed did walk out, but there wasn't a spot of blood on her. Llian gasped. She was okay. Before he could sigh in relief, the new June smirked at him arrogantly and drew up her hand, palm eye-level facing Llian. He watched, extremely confused, as she lifted her other hand and slowly pulled down the sleeve of her robe. Nothing could have prepared Llian for what he saw. The Death Mark on her arm burned red. He fainted.
Professor Delacour quickly shooed the Boggart back into the closet and brought a reviving potion from her office to give to Llian. He sat up groggily and groaned, rubbing his eyes. Remembering what he had just seen, he looked guiltily over at June. She was looking out the window, avoiding his eye. He could see that she was shaking. He got up and after tottering unsteadily for a few steps walked over to June.
"June," he croaked. "June, love. I'm so sorry. I didn't know."
She turned to him. There were tears in her eyes. "It's okay. You can't help what you fear. I'm a horrible person, so you're right to fear horrible things from me."
She wouldn't let Llian hug her, even though he itched to.
"June, please!"
She must have heard something in his tone, because she relented and let him put his arms around her. "I've been silly, haven't I?" she asked. "I don't feel so bad anymore. I don't know why. I guess we sometimes fear the same things." She leaned against him. "It's nice knowing I'm not alone, anyway."
Llian shushed her. "You will never, never become a Death Eater. We can't know what that meant. It could mean that I'm afraid you'll turn to the dark side, or that some one will corrupt you, or that you'll be forced to follow in Papa's footsteps. We don't know. I didn't mean it June. I don't want to mean it." He pulled her close again.
Neville and Professor Delacour watched in silence.
"Do you hate me, June?"
June looked completely shocked. "Hate you! I could never hate you - even if you became the next Dark Lord yourself!"
Llian looked unsure for a second but then regained his composure. A wicked glint suddenly entered his eye, not unlike the same look Professor Snape's eyes took when he was about to try out a student's antidote on their familiar. "Your turn," he whispered menacingly.
June paled. "But I won't know what to do with them," she whined.
"Do with what?" Neville asked.
She shrunk down and whispered, "Prickly sticks."
Professor Delacour looked unbelievingly at June. Llian was rolling on the floor in laughter. "Uh, prickly sticks?" Neville asked. "What are those?"
Llian gasped for air. "They're - little - bugs!"
"They're big bugs," countered June.
"Completely - harmless."
"They're creepy!"
Llian finally pulled himself off the floor. "They're little bugs that look like sticks that sit on the branches of trees for camouflage and sway back and forth as if they were part of the branch swaying in the wind."
Neville was confused. "Do they bite?"
Llian laughed even harder, shaking his head as tears streamed out of his eyes. "They're creepy," insisted June. "They sway back and forth even when there's no wind. It's scary!"
Llian conjured a picture of a small light brownish stick-like bug attached to a branch that was indeed swaying back and forth. Neville shook his head and glanced at an embarrassed June. "You have issues," Neville told her. "Are you aware of this?"
"I don't make fun of your fears!" she said.
Llian wouldn't stop. "Australia has some of the most poisonous snakes and spiders in the world, and she's - she's scared of a - of a b-b-b-ug!"
June was furious. "Stop it already!" she demanded.
"Want to know what else she's scared of?" Llian asked.
"What?" asked Neville, scooting away from June as the murderous gaze she had fixed on him was beginning to make him scared for his life.
"Balloons!"
June put her hands to her head and rubbed her temples. "They make loud noises," she explained.
Llian suddenly jumped out at her. "Pop!" he shouted. She punched him in the chest hard. Neville could see she was starting to become very upset. June started to pace in front of the closet.
"Not funny, not funny," she muttered to herself.
"Uh, Llian I think you'd better stop now," Neville whispered. Llian's giggles smothered and faded away as he watched his sister's agitated movements.
"I don't know what to do," she said when she saw their looking at her.
"You could turn them all pink," Llian suggested. June giggled at the idea and turned back to the closet. She stood there for almost five minutes straight, trying to force herself to breathe evenly. Finally she strode forward in fake security and flung the door open, immediately jumping back behind a nearby desk for cover.
Everyone's mouth dropped open.
A round, furry creature the size of a coffee mug stepped out of the closet. Llian had never seen it before. It looked sort of like that creature he had seen in commercials for Honeycombs, a Muggle cereal. It had long, pale pink hair that covered its round body. Two red eyes and a black button nose stuck out from the mass of hair. Its brown arms and legs were hairless and stick-thin. When it saw the four humans staring at it the creature gave a terrified shriek and scurried back into the closet.
June giggled. "It's not so bad. It's so ugly it's cute!" She walked slowly towards the closet. "Hey? Hey little fella?" She knelt right outside it and peered in. The trembling creature scooted even farther back. June began to hum soothingly. The creature seemed to relax and came forwards a few steps curiously. "Are you hungry? Huh?" She reached into her pocket and held out a couple of peanuts she had brought with her on the walk. "You want a peanut? They're tasty." It cautiously tiptoed to June and snatched a peanut and then dived back into the back of the closet. When it saw she wasn't following but continued to hum softly instead, it came back out and started eating more peanuts. Less then a minute later it had gobbled them all down and was snuggling up next to June who was rubbing it affectionately. "Why you're not scary at all - and here I was thinking you'd be some kind of creepy monster!"
"Uh, June, what were you most scared of?" Neville asked.
June blushed. "Well, I had heard so many stories of how Boggarts scared people so badly, and you know how I get scared easily." Llian nodded, remembering the countless horror movies she had watched from underneath the safety of a blanket. "So, I was thinking Boggarts were these horrible, fearsome monsters."
"So.?"
"So, the thing I was scared most of (besides prickly sticks and balloons) is a boggart!"
Professor Delacour looked astounded. "Zat, zat creature is a boggart?"
"I guess so." It climbed onto June's shoulder and burrowed in her hair. She giggled and she played with the squirming creature. Professor Delacour ran to the fireplace and summoned Dumbledore. The Headmaster's eyes widened when he saw what June was holding.
"Very wise, Miss Snape," he told her. "You have decided to be afraid of the object that provides the fake vision of fear, instead of fearing the illusion. Very wise indeed."
"So what do we do now? Put it back into the closet?" June asked.
"I'm afraid not. Its powers have been thwarted now. You broke them, so it essentially has little protection," Dumbledore said.
"You mean I have to take care of it?" Dumbledore nodded. "But what if it doesn't want me to?"
Dumbledore looked at the creature that was affectionately gnawing on June's fingers like a puppy would. "I don't think that will be a problem. You're its friend now, if I'm not mistaken." Neville and Llian came closer to try to pet the boggart. At first it shied away, but after June assured it the fur ball let both boys pet it, although it continued to cling to June as if for dear life. "Now all we have to do is to give it a name!"
June looked down at the creature curiously, her brow wrinkled in thought. Llian exclaimed, "Oh, no - don't let June pick its name. She's always wanted a pet, saying she'll name it something horrid like Fluffy!"
June jumped, causing the boggart to frightfully burrow under her shirt. "That's the perfect name! I'll call him Fluffy!"
Llian looked sick. "You can't be serious - it would be mentally scarred for life! Besides, Hagrid already has a dog named Fluffy."
"How about Pinkie? Cupcake? Sugarpie?"
"Why don't you just give it a real name?" Neville suggested. "Like Oliver."
"Who's Oliver?" Llian asked.
"Well, that was the name of the Gryffindor Keeper two years ago. But I just picked a name at random. Oliver just seemed like a good name for it."
The furry creature immediately started jumping up and down and pointing to itself. "You want that name?" June asked it. It nodded. "Are you sure you don't want a sweeter name, like Muffin?" It shook its head furiously. She grinned and help up and little beast, cupped in her hands. It sat there as if her palms were a throne and it was royalty.
Llian and Neville shared a look over June's head; with a new fluffy pet to distract her, June seemed less likely to brood on her thoughts.
June, oblivious to her friends' relief, cheerfully announced, "I hereby present to you all: Oliver!" The creature bounced up and down happily. "Ollie for short," she added.