Chapter 21 – There to Find You

"Don't give up/ It's just the hurt that you hide/ When you're lost inside /I...I will be there to find you"

~ from "You Are Loved" by Josh Groban

After returning from vacation, only Beck really had to go back to work. Jade, true to her word, spent at least half of her time with Cat. She gave Cat the schedule of classes for the University and the community college and found herself dragged to a number of interesting courses. She never did quite appreciate knitting or quilting, which Cat loved, but she found herself happy to refresh her memory on the dulcimer and harp. Violet and Lily came with them to the music lessons and both girls showed their absolute prodigy in the area.

Freddie had another almost two months off from work and although he occasionally puttered with a new program he was designing, he spent a good deal of his time with Tori and Lily. The little girl was thriving. Between her music lessons, the ones she attended with Jade and Cat, and the tutor who was hired to help her catch up with the basics, she was almost on grade level with school and heads above her peers in music. She still refused to sing, but she was gaining on Violet with the piano and violin. When she wasn't practicing or studying, she was playing with Violet or spending time with Tori and Freddie. She adored the man; he taught her the tricks to playing a good game of mini-golf, he taught her to swim. And, despite Tori's anxiety, he taught her to ride a bicycle. The hesitant mother sat on the front stair; watching with breath held as they worked on that particular venture.

Toward the end of summer, Freddie finally began to understand the depth to Tori's fears and the complexity of her past. Thursday was one of the two days where they'd decided to eat dinner separately, so Jade was just finishing loading her dishes into the washer when she received the phone call. "Have you seen the news?" It was Freddie.

"What's wrong?"

"Just turn on the news." Jade walked into the living room and turned on the television, flipping immediately to her preferred news station. A small gasp escaped her lips – a picture of Lyle Kennedy was on the screen. Investigators had finally found bodies. They'd always assumed he'd killed more women – but evidence had never been found. According to the news, hikers had found an abandoned cabin with shallow graves surrounding it – the cabin and land belonged to Kennedy's family. The police were not disclosing the number of graves that had been found. Every molecule in her body wanted to call out for Beck but she caught herself in time – that would only worry the entire household and keep three little girls awake all night.

"I'll be right there," Jade finally whispered into the phone still at her ear.

Beck was upstairs putting Coral and Scarlet to bed while Violet was in her room reading, so Jade sent him a quick text and walked the short distance to Tori's home. She used her key and let herself into the kitchen door. Lily was sitting in the corner of the kitchen, her knees curled up to her chest. Jade almost immediately felt her stupor lift. She crouched down next to the little girl and gently rubbed her back.

"Lily, look at me," she said, calmly. Eventually, tear-filled blue eyes lifted to focus on her. "Everything is going to be okay. Tori's upset – but it's not your fault. It'll be okay soon." Knowing that she couldn't help Lily and Tori at the same time, Jade lifted the child into her arms and carried her back over to the Oliver home. She handed her over to Beck and returned to Tori's house.

The father of three was at a loss, but his wife was moving too quickly to answer any questions. He took Lily without comment and hugged her while she cried.

Back in Tori's house, Jade found a heartbreaking picture. Freddie was sitting on the floor next to the sofa, looking like he was in pain – all he could do was watch while Tori cried. Jade tapped him gently on the shoulder and he stood up, backing away to give her room. She knelt on the floor next to Tori.

"Tori, you need to settle down," Jade said as softly as possible. She knew it was a ridiculous suggestion, but Tori sounded like she was crying hard enough to choke – her breathing was hard and panicky. "I know it's upsetting – but you have to remember that he can't hurt you anymore."

"That was going to be me," she said between sobs.

"I know," Jade answered. They talked for another ten minutes, but Tori was still breaking down into uncontrollable sobs every few seconds. Jade pulled the blanket from the sofa over her and walked toward the kitchen, where Freddie was waiting. He looked up from the table when Jade walked in and grimaced when he took in her expression.

"Is she going to be okay?"

"She'll be fine," Jade told him. "Eventually. Make yourself useful and bring her upstairs to her bedroom." Jade went there directly and sifted through the prescription bottles before she found anxiety medication and a sleeping pill. She carried the pills and a glass of water back to the bed, where Freddie had tucked Tori under the covers.

"Sit up for a second." Jade helped her up and showed her the pills. Tori shook her head.

"Lily—"

"Beck has her. She's fine – you can't help her until you calm down and get some sleep. Things will look better tomorrow. They always do." Tori swallowed the pills without another argument. Jade helped her remove her makeup and change into a pair of pajamas before she slipped back under the covers.

It took twenty minutes – still crying – for Tori to succumb to the drugs and fall asleep. Jade sat with her, absently stroking her hair until she was out for the night. Freddie watched from across the room.

"Is it always this bad?" He asked, lifting his face from his hands after Tori was asleep. He looked terrified. Jade shook her head. She fixed the blankets around her friend and walked down the stairs to the living room, indicating that Freddie should follow.

Once in the main room of the house, her expression hardened. "She just discovered that the man who kept her as a sex slave for three years had a burial ground for the women he killed before her. She's entitled to be upset."

"I know," Freddie answered firmly, feeling both chastised and a bit angry at Jade. "It's just scary."

"It is," Jade responded, eyes blazing. It was dangerous territory that anyone who had known well would have recognized. "Can you handle this? If not, you may want to go now. Because it'll already hurt her enough – any longer and – well, I may have to kill you."

"I'm not leaving."

"Then buck up."

"What is your problem? This isn't about me. This is about Tori. I'm sorry if I don't know how to handle everything right away – but I'm trying." The worried sound in his voice, his sincerity, his ability to be angry at her and still sound kind – Jade didn't know what it was exactly, but something about his voice made her take a step back. Her own voice softened.

"I'm sorry," Jade said honestly. "I actually like you – I think you're good for Tori. But you haven't proven that you can do this. And it terrifies me that you have the ability to screw this up and hurt her. She has been hurt enough for five lifetimes."

"I know that. And I'm not leaving," he repeated. Jade said nothing but if he had known her longer, he would have seen a glint of approval in her eyes. She made them both coffee and they spent most of the night sitting vigil in Tori's bedroom. Toward morning, she ordered him to get some sleep. He tried to refuse, but she glared.

"Lily needs to see that one of you is okay in the morning. Tori's not going to be. You have to be." He didn't answer, but he did go to one of the guest rooms and sleep for a bit.

When Tori woke the next morning, she had approximately thirty seconds of clarity before panic set back in. She was in the middle of a heavy anxiety attack, struggling with her breathing, when Jade exited the bathroom and found her. "Hey," she said softly. "no more of that. Come on - you can do this. Take little breaths - " Jade tried to walk her through breathing exercises, but Tori couldn't catch her breath. She couldn't calm down long enough to sip water, let alone take a pill.

Jade was reaching for her phone to call for help and then changed him mind, running instead to the medicine cabinet. She fumbled in the bathroom until she found a heavier sedative – one that she knew Tori hadn't used in years. She injected it into her friend and crawled next to her on the bed, waiting for her to calm down. Tori fell asleep again almost immediately and Jade was left to quiet her own sobs in the pillow.

Almost an hour after the drug had been injected, Tori began to stir. Jade ran for the bathroom garbage can and produced it in just enough time. Tori sighed mournfully after she finished vomiting and rinsed her mouth with the glass of water Jade handed to her. She lay back down as Jade removed the garbage can from her sight, washed her hands, and returned from the bathroom with ibuprofen and a damp washcloth. Tori shook her head at the medication.

"My stomach," she said uncertainly. Jade put the pain relievers aside and handed her the washcloth, which she gratefully draped over her forehead and eyes.

They were silent for a long time, but Tori' shaking hand eventually found Jade's calmer one. Jade grasped her hand reassuringly. "Lily is fine," Jade assured her. "Beck, Cat, and Freddie took her and the other girls to the park. Annie went along to supervise." Tori tried to laugh but it came out more as a cry. Jade squeezed her hand harder. "That man is infuriatingly loyal," Jade told her. "He's not going anywhere – so you can stop worrying about that."

That brought on the real tears. Tori spent the next half an hour crying on Jade's shoulder. Jade tried to comfort her as best she could. "I know this isn't fair to expect you to be okay – but you have to fight harder. If you panic again like you did this morning – well, I almost had to call for help. They would have admitted you. And I know you don't want that to have to be explained to Lily."

"Thank you for holding off," Tori whispered.

"If you hadn't had the last dose of lorazepam, your ass would be in the hospital right now. I thought I told you – no more scaring me."

"Sorry," Tori said softly.

"I'm going to call Isabelle – do you feel well enough to try and shower on your own?" Tori was shaking but not as badly; she nodded. Jade helped her into the bathroom, lay out a new set of clothing, and left her friend alone, reminding her to leave the door unlocked just in case.

An hour later, they were at the kitchen table and Tori was trying to get something into her stomach so she could take the ibuprofen for her throbbing headache. Isabelle arrived and Jade invited her in and then led her to the kitchen. She dropped a kiss on Tori's forehead. "I'm going next door to shower and eat something – I'll be back before Isabelle leaves."

Tori nodded and Isabelle busied herself, pouring herself a cup of coffee before sitting across from Tori at the table. "I hear you've had quite a night," she said kindly. Tori said nothing, simply forgetting her food and lowering her head to her hands.

"Tell me what happened," Isabelle said patiently. She waited through the five minutes that it took Tori to gather her thoughts and begin to speak. Some of her stutter reappeared, much to her own horror. The doctor seemed unsurprised.

"T-they f-f-found a c-cabin," Tori told her. "Wh-wh-where he b-b-buried oth-th-ther girls." Isabelle put a hand on hers, offering reassurance.

"Close your eyes, take a few deep breaths, and try that again. No stuttering." Tori did what she was told and was able to repeat the sentence more clearly.

"Okay," the older woman said. "Remember that you are safe here. You are safe, Tori. Kennedy is behind bars. Can you remember that for me?" Tori nodded, tears streaming down her cheeks.

"Now, how did that make you feel, when you hear about the cabin?"

Tori burst into tears. "T-that w-was s-s-s-suppos-s-ed to be me," she cried.

"No," Isabelle said firmly. "That was never going to be you. You fought so hard to get to where you are. Remember that, Tori. You are safe – you have a good life. You are alive because you fought. That was never going to be you. You were meant for so much more. That was never going to be you. You were meant to be Lily's mother – Violet's aunt. Jade's friend. Freddie's love. You were never going to be where that monster put those other women. Never."

By the time Jade returned, Tori's eyes were raw and red, her cheeks stained with tears, but she looked calmer. She and Isabelle were sitting in the living room, speaking in hushed tones. When Jade appeared, Isabelle nodded slightly. She stood and leaned down to hug Tori tightly. "You are going to be fine, my dear." She stood again, this time addressing them both. "I'm going to give you Ativan for the next few days. Along with two weeks of sleeping pills. I want to see you in my office tomorrow, understood?" Tori nodded. Jade accepted the prescription slips and folded them into her pocket.

Once Isabelle was gone, Tori seemed calmer – but exhausted. Jade sat down next to her. "How are you holding up?"

"Better," Tori assured her. "I'm sorry I scared you."

"I'm used to it," Jade told her dryly, her face completely straight. "I might have a heart attack if we didn't have a major episode of angst and fear every few months." Tori laughed – Jade's intent.

"How upset is Lily, really?"

"She's worried about you," Jade admitted. Her stoic expression cracked a bit. "But she is stronger than she seems. You've taught her that strength. She's going to be fine. She just needs to see you and see that you're okay."

"I'm not," Tori told her, shaking her head slightly.

"None of us are," Jade said simply. "You act it until you feel it. You can do that." She paused. "It's what mothers do." Tori nodded, wiping away stray tears that had started escaping the corners of her eyes. Jade checked her watch. "If you're feeling up to it – you can get cleaned up and we can meet them for dinner. We have plenty of time. Beck is taking everyone to that new restaurant where you can actually eat inside some of the rooms in the botanical gardens."

"Do I have time to lie down for a little while?"

"Yeah. We don't have to go – "

"I want to," Tori responded. "I just need to sleep for a little while." True to her word, she slept for about an hour before she began doing her makeup and dressing for dinner. When she was done, she barely looked like she had cried at all – let alone most of the day.

As they approached the table, Lily saw them first and ran for her mother. Tori lifted her into her arms and held her close. "I'm so sorry," she whispered. She was shaking and hoped that Lily didn't notice. Jade scooted passed them and went to sit next to Beck, taking Scarlet into her arms. They were all shamelessly watching as Tori held Lily in the middle of the garden.

"Are you okay?" Lily asked softly.

"Much better," Tori answered. "Are you okay?" Lily nodded solemnly. "I love you so much."

"I love you too," Lily responded. Freddie was standing halfway between them and the table and once Tori set Lily on the ground, he approached. He hugged Tori firmly.

He began speaking immediately, not allowing her a syllable first. "Don't you dare apologize," he told her gently. "I'm not going anywhere."

"I love you," Tori said softly, relief running through her bones as he held her. The words themselves were freeing, to finally be out in the open.

"I love you so much," he responded. After a few minutes, he held her at far enough distance that he could see her. "You look better." She nodded, fighting a blush.

"I'll be fine, eventually." She held his hand – and Lily's – as they approached the table. No one spoke of the day, of the evening before, or of any of the more traumatic events. They did, however, fill Jade and Tori in on their park and botanical garden adventures. There were plenty of pictures to prove that neither Jade nor Tori had been in attendance to be the voice of reason. There were several perilous poses that neither mother approved of – but when you don't actually catch you husband or boyfriend in the act of allowing your daughter to pose on a two-inch ledge of stone next to a giant flower, there wasn't much you could say about it in front of friends. Especially not when you were simply feeling thankful to be alive and lucid. By the end of the evening, Tori's shaking had stopped completely and she was actually able to enjoy the time with her family, much to even her own surprise.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read! Please take a moment to leave your thoughts. Anything you particularly liked? Didn't like? Favorite moments? Hope you enjoyed!