*A few words from Aquira: I guessed that it would take me about 10 days to post a new chapter, and I was right, but not because it took me that long to write it! My laptop had an accident on Monday, when my curious kitten decided he needed to have some of my milk and tipped over a the whole glass onto the keyboard, which ended up frying the hard drive! Luckily, I am a firm believer in saving my files on a memory stick, so I still had everything I wrote, but I no longer had a computer! So, after a few days of attempting to unsuccessfully fix my computer, I got a brand new laptop last night, and now I've got everything on my new computer and ready to use. I will miss my old laptop, but this new one is pretty great. I appreciate your patience and, as always, read and leave a review if you liked this latest update :)

Entry #44 (Monday October 30, 1972) – Eight Days After

Today was the first day I didn't sit with Allie during Herbology since that first partner lesson last year when she asked me to work with her. I believe her absence today had something to do with the fight we had yesterday. It wasn't a major fight, though. We're still talking to each other and we did our homework together after class, but she has taken to sitting with some of her other friends during lessons where partners aren't required for practice, and it felt a bit odd to not have her next to me today.

The fight was fairly straightforward. We were talking outside by the lake, Allie up in her tree with me sitting under her branch, when Sirius found us. He pulled a silly face at me before sitting down by my side in the shade. "Why does Allie always hang up in that tree?" he wondered.

I opened my mouth to respond, but Allie called down to him first, cutting me off. "Don't ask Remus," she said as she threw a leaf at my head. It fluttered uselessly a few inches in front of her before it dropped to the ground, missing me by several feet. "He doesn't like my tree."

Grinning, Sirius tilted his head up to her. "All right then," he said. "I won't ask him. Why do you like that tree so much, Allie?"

"I just do," she said simply. "It's nice up here, and I can think about stuff."

"Really?" Sirius said, curiosity in his tone. He watched her with playful eyes before standing and attempting to climb up to her branch. Even though she moved out of the way, making plenty of room for him to hoist himself up, Sirius slipped several times before succeeding. Once he was up there, the two of them started talking in low voices, forgetting I was there. Not being able to hear what they were saying to each other worried me slightly, but I didn't let it show on my face and I stayed put, opening the book I had brought with me to ignore them.

A few minutes later, their voices rose, and I heard Allie let out a high pitched giggle. She had never made a noise like that in the entire time I had known her. Concerned, I glanced up just in time to see Allie quickly regaining her balance on the branch as Sirius plunged into the water below. There was a splash, and then Sirius was stumbling, waterlogged, out of the lake.

"You're going to pay for that, Bond!" he cried, a wicked grin on his face. "We'll settle this after I get some fresh clothes!" Wiping the water from his eyes, he laughed and began the walk back towards the castle.

When he was gone, Allie jumped down from the tree branch and landed nimbly on the grass. She was smiling, obviously proud of herself. "What was that all about?" I asked as she sat down next to me, cross-legged.

"I pushed him in the lake," she replied.

I smiled and closed my book. "I saw that part, Allie," I said. "I kind of want to know why you pushed him in the lake."

"Oh, that." She rolled her eyes, as if reasons were irrelevant. "He tried to kiss me."

"What? He tried to kiss you?"

Allie raised an eyebrow at my outburst and brushed her bangs out of her face. "Well, gosh, Remus, he already asked me to date him," she said derisively. "It's not that hard to imagine he wants me to kiss him too."

"I know but . . ." It was hard to articulate exactly what I wanted her to tell me. "Why did he think it was okay to kiss you right then?"

She sighed. "He doesn't like how long it's taking me to think about my answer," Allie said. Her bangs had fallen in her face again and she blew the hair away frustratedly. "He thought it would help me decide faster if he could demonstrate his kissing prowess.

As it had been more than two weeks since Sirius had asked her out, and they still weren't dating, I had assumed she told him no and he was taking it as easily as he had the first time she turned him down. It was a shock to learn otherwise, though I suppose I knew deep down that she would have told me if that had been the case. "You still haven't given him an answer?" I asked.

"No, I haven't," she said, shaking her head. "I thought I would take your advice first."

My advice had been to not date Sirius, but it seemed she was still considering it. "I don't think I understand."

"You said Sirius would just ditch me when he lost interest, so I'm making him work for it," she explained. When my face still didn't express comprehension, Allie pursed her mouth to the side, debating what to say. "A few days ago, I realized that I should be better friends with him before I commit to dating him. You know, so we could be like actual friends who tell each other stuff, and so I'm not just someone he talks to because he's attracted to me. So, I told him that I would consider dating him a bit more seriously if he could prove he was actually interested in me as a person. If he still wants to date me after really getting to know me, then I'll give him my answer."

Something about that speech didn't sit well with me. It took me a moment to place the strangeness of it, and then I sighed. "Are you sure this isn't just stalling?" I asked.

"What do you mean by that?"

I could sense the warning in her tone, but I had to say what I thought. "It's been more than two weeks since he asked you," I said carefully. "And you already know him well enough to understand what he's like, so I don't know what you're expecting him to prove. If you can't make a decision at this point, then maybe that's your answer. Maybe you don't really want to go out with him, so you're making excuses to put off turning him down."

Her nose crinkled. "Are you sure you aren't just pushing your own agenda when you say things like that?" she retorted.

I rolled my eyes because I had known where this would go the instant I spoke up. I knew she would get upset, and I knew I would have to say too many things to make my point. "Allie, not everything I say about this is an attack," I tried. "Actually, none of it is. I'm just trying to help you."

"No, you're trying to get me to agree with you," she said. "There is a difference."

"I just think that if you liked him enough, you would already be dating Sirius by now," I said, shaking my head.

She stared at me, her face seeming sad and a bit troubled. "You don't think people can just be nervous?" she asked. Her voice was shaking, but I didn't understand why. "You don't think someone can still consider starting a relationship even if they're not quite sure it will work out? Is it so black and white to you?"

It didn't feel like we were talking about Sirius anymore. Her words felt aimed directly at me, and not in the sense that she was asking me the questions. Swallowing, I glanced down at the grass. "I wasn't saying that," I said. Then I paused, unsure how to clarify. "Do you really want to go out with him? I just . . . don't see the two of you together. You hated him last year and I can't figure out why that changed."

There was a silence as she looked into my eyes. "You know, it makes me sad that you aren't willing to give one of your best friends a chance to do the right thing," she said. "Me or him. I know what I'm doing, Remus. I can make my own choices. And Sirius is a lot more respectful than you give him credit for."

"Allie, you had to push him out of a tree to stop him from kissing you," I protested. "That sounds like the same disrespectful Sirius to me."

Allie sighed heavily. "You know what, Remus," she began. "I don't want to fight about this. I'm still thinking about it, and unless you can give me a reason besides Sirius' history with girls I might say yes. The sooner you can accept that, the sooner we can get over this disagreement."

With that said, she stood and went back to the castle without me. Later James said he saw her and Sirius talking closely on one of the couches in the common room. That information bothered me, and James noticed, so he took me on a walk around the castle to try and calm me down. He spoke a lot about how Sirius seemed different around Allie, something I hadn't realized because I spent all my time near them being angry. In his opinion, dating Allie would be terrific for Sirius' attitude towards girls, since Allie wouldn't take his crap. I didn't argue with James, but he hadn't convinced me of anything. I was still jealous and bitter, and I did my homework with Allie in silence when we worked on a Potions essay.

No apologies had been made and no compromise had been reached when class rolled around today, so Allie worked with Molly in Herbology when we got to the greenhouse. She did work with me during Transfiguration when McGonagall made us work in pairs because she was short on teacups, but our time together didn't last long after that. Allie had lunch with Lily and Brittany, and Lily braided her hair through with some ribbon while the three girls chattered and giggled. Though I had plenty of company with James, Sirius, and Peter sitting next to me, it was strangely lonesome seeing her all the way down the table.

I couldn't help watching her, and Allie seemed so happy with her other friends. I instantly felt guilty for being angry with her. Being angry because she didn't turn Sirius down and because she wasn't sitting with me was ridiculous. She had, of course, spent days with her friends that weren't me plenty of times in the past, and I hadn't gotten upset or jealous on those days. Today, however, was different because it felt entirely intentional. My anger could be justified if I considered that whenever she hung out with her friends that weren't me before, it was because she wanted to hang out with them. Today, I am certain, she only spent time with her other friends because she didn't want to spend time with me.

It was upsetting to know she was avoiding me, but that wasn't the most hurtful part of the day. What hurt the most was Potions class. Allie has told me a lot about how her relationship with Rachel has changed lately, how they have become rather distant, and I cannot forget the numerous complaints over the past year indicating how terrible Rachel is as a friend. Despite these things, Allie only gave me a smile as she passed by my seat in Potions, and then she sat down right next to Rachel across the room. Maybe they haven't talked in a while so Rachel hadn't heard about what was happening with Sirius, but I know for a fact Rachel would approve of Allie dating him no more than I had. Rachel absolutely hates Sirius, and I couldn't understand why Allie would avoid me because I didn't agree with her, only to sit next to someone who would snub her for much less.

I suppose it might be because she expects that type of behavior from Rachel. I have always tried to be accepting of her choices, so my adamant refusal to support her must be confusing. Or maybe I'm just trying to make excuses for myself so I don't feel quite so guilty for being a worse friend than Rachel Stokes.

Entry #45 (Tuesday November 14, 1972) – Six Days Before

It's been two weeks since that ridiculous fight I had with Allie. Not a lot has changed. She's spending more time with Sirius, less time with me, and she still hasn't made up her mind about dating him. When I asked Sirius what he thought about her indecision, all he told me was that he thought it would be worth the wait when she finally said yes. He didn't say 'if.' He specifically said, "when she finally says yes."

I hate his confidence.

I could fix the whole situation if I wanted to. I could tell Allie why I don't want her to date Sirius. Heck, I could tell Sirius why I don't want her to date Sirius. He is a good friend, and I think he would understand if I told him my feelings. Maybe he would back off.

But I can't bring myself to do it. The prospect is terrifying in so many ways. So, instead of fixing things, I consistently find myself off to the side while they talk and laugh and become closer. This was the case earlier this afternoon, right after lunch when all of us were in the Great Hall waiting for our next class to start. Allie and Sirius were joking around with James while I helped Peter study for a quiz we had in Transfiguration. Then Peter decided it would be simpler to ask McGonagall for help, and he took his books with him out of the hall.

Alone, I was no longer able to ignore Allie's laughter. When she caught my eye, she smiled and gave a little wave with her fingers, but she quickly turned to hear what James was saying to her, and I averted my eyes.

I heard someone come up behind me. At first, I thought Peter had returned, and then I got my hopes up thinking it might be Allie. But then that someone spoke. "It's disgusting, isn't it?"

I recognized the voice, and the tone of it filled me with annoyance. "What's disgusting?" I asked coolly. I turned around to see Rachel, just as I had expected.

Rachel rolled her eyes at me. "Oh, don't pretend you don't know exactly what I'm talking about, Lupin," she said, gesturing angrily with her hands. "I mean Sirius and Allie. They've been flirting constantly lately. It's sickening, really, having to watch my best friend sink as low as Sirius Black."

"Sirius is my friend. I don't think I appreciate you talking about him like that," I said. As much as I agreed with her, I would never allow myself to say so out loud. I was convinced I could defend anything to the end so long as Rachel disagreed with it.

She sat down next to me, taking a moment to glare in Allie's direction as she did so. "Some friend he turned out to be." When Rachel looked back at me, her face was a scowl, eyes narrowing critically. "Any idiot can see you're desperate for Allie. If Sirius was half as good a friend as you're claiming, he wouldn't be flirting with her as we speak."

I observed Sirius and Allie then, to watch as Sirius playfully shoved her shoulder when she made a joke. Allie was laughing too loudly, and James was nowhere to be seen. My stomach churned unpleasantly at the sight of them, and roiled again when I remembered that Rachel was next to me, bringing attention to their flirting. "Why are you talking to me about this, Rachel?"

"The enemy of my enemy is my friend," she said, sounding almost bored. "Neither of us wants Allie to date Sirius. It would be the biggest mistake of her life, and Sirius doesn't deserve someone like Allie."

I swallowed, trying really hard to not agree with her. Hadn't I spent nearly a month telling Allie the exact same thing? But this was Rachel, and I wasn't going to give her the satisfaction of being right. "I think you know that Sirius is rather popular with a lot of girls in our year," I pointed out. "He must know what he's doing on some level, so if someone like Sirius isn't good enough for her, who is?"

Rachel rolled her eyes again. "No, Sirius isn't popular," she sneered. She shot another dirty look down the table. "Sirius is shallow, manipulative, and knows how to give a compliment, so everyone thinks he's popular. Really, Sirius is terrible, for Allie and any other girl stupid enough to be interested in him."

"Well, who is good enough for her?" I repeated, frowning.

"Don't try to use your backhanded tactics on me, Lupin," Rachel snapped. "You're not good enough for her either. Actually, you're probably worse. Sirius is at least good looking."

I almost laughed. That hadn't been my implication at all. "You really hate me, don't you?"

"I never said I hated you."

"You don't have to say it, Rachel," I insisted. I was so tired of her attitude that I didn't even consider that Rachel was only trying to be my ally. She was being rude, and I wasn't going to tolerate it. "You say 'I hate you' in your tone, your expression, and every single comment you make to me. You hate me, and I can't figure out why. I've never done anything to you. As far as I can tell, you met me and then you hated me without any precedent. I don't get it."

Rachel took a long pause, examining her fingernails carefully to delay answering me. When she looked up, the glare in her eyes startled me. "Think about it, Remus," she said hotly. "If nothing else, you're at least smart. You know why."

I had always suspected Rachel might know about my condition. There had never been any proof, and I had quickly dismissed the idea whenever it occurred to me. But the thought had always been there, always been a terrible fear of mine ever since the day Allie had tried to introduce us. "I don't know what you're talking about," I lied.

"Yes you do. I know there's a little voice in the back of your head, pestering you with what you don't want to believe," she went on. I could tell she was enjoying watching me squirm. "You get it. I know you do. But you're pretending you don't know why I hate you because you don't understand how I could have possibly found out about it."

There wasn't a way to deny what she meant. "Just say it, Rachel," I demanded, avoiding her gaze.

"I know what you are, Remus Lupin. You're a werewolf."

The truth at last. It wasn't possible, but Rachel Stokes knew my secret. I sat very still, letting her loathsome words sink in. There was a smirk on her face.

"How?" was all I could ask, my voice helpless.

The smirk wouldn't fade. I could tell she had wanted to divulge this particular piece of information for some time, and that she had been waiting for the moment it would hurt the most to tell me. "I'm sure you already know this, but your name is on a list of registered werewolves at the Ministry," she said. "It's been on that list ever since a very unfortunate day at Saint Mungo's when you were five. That list is maintained by a woman named Francine Stokes, who happens to be my mother. When I wrote home to complain to her about this annoying boy named Remus Lupin who was spending too much time with Allie, she sent me a very concerned reply. She told me what you are, and she told me to stay very far away from you, and to keep Allie away from you too."

I couldn't breathe. My chest felt heavy, and I wanted to run out of the room screaming. But I held it all in, half pretending it wasn't happening. "Have you told anyone?" I wondered. My voice was too quiet, but she didn't have to hear me to know what I said.

Rachel's eyes narrowed. "No," she replied. This seemed to be the only part of this conversation that hadn't filled her with an evil glee. "My mother told me not to make a scene. I should tell Allie, though."

As terrible as the situation was, if Rachel hadn't told anyone, then there was still some sort of hope. "But you haven't told her," I tried. "You hate me so much, and I stole your best friend . . . and you haven't told her the one thing that might make her run away from me?"

"Well, I thought I'd let her figure out what a horrible person you are on her own, you know?" she said flippantly. "If I told her you were awful, she wouldn't listen. She would think I was making it up. If you proved yourself to be awful all on your own, then the situation would solve itself. Though, if you don't help me with getting Sirius out of her life, then I might just let it slip how horrible you are. Then Allie would run off faster than you can say 'full moon.'"

I gave her a stony look. I took a deep breath, working up the nerve to speak. "She already knows," I said, my voice much stronger than it should have been.

Rachel laughed harshly. "She already knows you're a horrible person? I don't think so. Allie thinks the sun shines out of your every orifice. I've never heard her say one single bad thing about you."

"Allie already knows what I am, Rachel," I said, feeling more confident with each passing second. "I told her about my illness."

It took her a moment to comprehend what I had said. "You told her?" she balked.

"I did," I said. I could feel a smile threatening at my lips, but I didn't let it show. "Allie doesn't mind at all. She's actually very supportive. She visits me in the Hospital Wing after each moon. So stop this crusade to make me out to be the worst person alive. Allie won't buy it, and you'll just make yourself look rude. I'm not worried about Allie and Sirius, so leave me alone, Rachel. I don't need your insults."

I motioned to get up to leave, but Rachel's callous tone stopped me from getting very far. "I'm not insulting you. I'm just being honest with you, Lupin. So what if, yet again, Allie can't seem to see what is so obviously wrong with you? Her behavior is not how the world really works. You will be hated, and you will be scorned, and you will hate and scorn yourself. No one will take pity on you. I am trying to prepare you for that life."

The bell rang to signal the end of lunch. I mustered up the last of my courage to say one last thing. "I have friends, Rachel," I said. "They don't hate me, and I think that's enough."

I took a few steps and thought I was in the clear before Rachel spoke up. "But they don't know, do they?" she said. I kept walking, trying to ignore her. "Do you think they'll still like you if they found out?"

The rest of her torment faded away as I left the Great Hall, following a small crowd of my classmates to the Transfiguration room. James had already taken the spot next to Peter, and Sirius was leaning against Allie's desk, grinning about something. With Rachel's words still ringing in my ears, I stared at Allie, noting how Sirius had yet to sit down next to her, and made up my mind. She knew my secret, and she still cared about me. That wasn't something I should be giving up because some other guy said he likes her.

I stepped over to her desk. After a brief pause where Sirius raised his eyebrows at me, he turned back to Allie to continue his anecdote, but Allie was hardly listening anymore. Her eyes were focused on me, wide with curiosity at my approach. "Hi, Remus," she said.

"I wanted to say I'm sorry," I said in response, and Sirius stopped talking. I think he realized what was happening and excused himself, moving to sit at the desk behind James.

I sat next to Allie, her watching my every movement. "You're sorry?" she wondered.

"Yeah," I nodded. "I was being ridiculous. You can date Sirius if you want to. I don't have a say in your decision, so I don't have any right to be angry when you don't listen to me."

There was a pause. "Why the change of heart?"

When I looked into her eyes, I realized that, yet again, I was going to let a moment to tell her my feelings pass me by. I honestly thought about telling her, and I even started picking out the right words to say, but then Rachel's final taunt came creeping back into my thoughts. Rachel was right. Allie may care about me, but there is a difference between befriending a werewolf and loving one. If you befriend one, you're the kindhearted soul willing to help such a wretched creature. Loving one . . . Well, you may as well become a werewolf for all the sympathy you'll get, and it would be easier for everyone if I kept my mouth shut.

"It wasn't really a change of heart," I said instead, barely able to look at her. "I still don't want you to go out with Sirius. I don't think it will end well. But if you want to date him, then you should be able to date him. I am going to be supportive of whatever you decide, and if it ends like I think it will, then I will be there to cheer you up. I won't even say 'I told you so.'"

The smile on her face was incredulous. "That wasn't exactly what I expected to hear, but I guess I'll take it," she said. "Thanks, Remus."

We've since dropped the subject. She still isn't dating Sirius, but I know better than to mention it anymore.