Due to recent changes in ff.net, chapters of this story have been revised to conform to the new rating system. However, for those mature readers who wish to read the original, and much better, NC17 rated version, please visit my web page at http://members.optushome.com.au/dboy/ or Julie's web page at www.voltress.net. Revisions do not affect chapter 21.

Dark As Rain

By Scutter

scutter1200@hotmail.com

This fic is dedicated to yaoifantasy aka Julie, for her life-altering fic, 'Star Light'.

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy 8. But I just found 15 cents! I'm rich! Well no, not really, but... whatever.

Rated R. We have angst here.

Chapter 21

POV of Laguna, Squall, Laguna, Squall.

He's brooding. It's not hard to tell when Squall's brooding, it's something he seems to do for about 12 hours per day. And he's doing it now. Tucked up in his seat, in the 'Rok, refusing to look at me and brooding out the window.

Hyne, I don't know how to deal with a teenage son, who's powerful enough to rip a hole in my city if he so desires, and who simultaneously hates me. Okay, forget the rest of it, I don't know how to deal with a teenage son. But despite knowing I've stuffed up 18 perfectly good years of his life, I keep clinging to the hope that one day, he'll forgive me. Which is why we now find ourselves sitting in the 'Rok, me trying to fill the silence in what I hope is a fatherly way, and him steadfastly ignoring me. We're going sightseeing outside Esthar city.

At least, that's the excuse I used to get Squall into the Ragnarok. It's not fair, lying to him like this, but... Hyne, I'm at my wits end. What was I supposed to say? 'Squall, come flying with me today so that I can rip your heart out by showing you your mother's grave, in the hope that afterwards, you'll forgive me for ignoring you for 18 years.' That would surely have been a winner...

"The islands on the east coast are beautiful at sunset," I ramble on, banking the 'Rok smoothly to the left. "They go all misty, and shimmery in the light. They're beautiful from a distance, of course," I force a chuckle. "Get up close, and you're in for a nasty surprise. The soldiers haven't managed to get the monsters out that far under control yet."

Maybe I should have invited Zell along, too. At least then, Squall might say more than three words in the day. But... I'm not really sure how close those two have gotten, and it could well make Squall hate me all the more, showing something so private to a third party. So, I suppose, I just have to endure the silence. It seems a long time, since I finally managed to tell Squall about his mother. He'll never mourn for her - even as fond of her as I was, I know it's near on impossible to grieve for someone you've never met. But he did seem... if not interested, then... receptive, perhaps? There were those few times when he was thrown back into the past, when he got a few glimpses of the woman she was. Maybe that actually touched something, inside him. He even took a trip to Winhill, to see for himself what her life might have been like.

"We should visit the mountains, up north, sometime. I think you'd like them, all open wilderness and quiet spaces." Hyne, for all I know, Squall doesn't give a shit about wide open spaces, and would rather spend his evenings in a strip joint. He is a healthy, teenage boy, after all.

I think suddenly, that this was a stupid idea. What the hell is it going to achieve, showing him the grave of a women he never knew, whose death condemned him to a life without a home, or a family, because his father was too scared to do anything about it? But then I realise that we've just crossed the Galbadian coastline, and Winhill is coming up slowly below us. I sigh, as I tilt the ship into a slow descent. Too late to back out now.

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I pull myself out of my thoughts, as I realise the 'Rok has started to descend. Goodness knows where we are. I know we've been travelling for too long to still be in Esthar, where Laguna claimed we were going. Unless, of course, he's managed to get himself lost over his own continent. There's not much in the way of landmarks to see, as we descend. Sweeping grassy hills, with trees dotted here and there. Finally, Laguna sets us down in a gully between two hills.

"Come on, Squall. We're here."

We step off the ramp, and I look around. Still nothing but grassy hills, and a faint, wandering walking track, snaking up the hillside before us. "Where's here, exactly?" I ask, not knowing if I want an answer or not.

"A few miles outside Winhill," Laguna replies distractedly. He's already making his way up the hillside, so I follow him. Winhill? Taking a little trip up memory lane, are we?

"Laguna, what are we doing here?" This time, I don't keep the irritation out of my voice. I'm tired of putting up with this man's whims and fancies, at the drop of a hat. He's stopped, just below the crest of the hill, and I march a few steps closer, stopping several metres behind him. "Laguna?" He doesn't reply. "Laguna?"

Suddenly, he turns to face me again. "Come up here, Squall. There's something to show you." What the hell? Figuring that after all, I've come this far, I step up beside him and see a carefully carved, stone tablet, placed into the side of the hill.

Two words, etched into the stone, make my world stop. 'Raine Loire'.

*

I only notice time has passed when I realise it has grown darker, the sun sinking low in the western sky, just now dipping below the horizon. I've been sitting beside her grave for over two hours, my fingers with a will of their own, reaching out to trace the carved letters over and over.

I never met my mother. Thanks to Ellone's little mind-trick, I did, however, get the chance to know her. It never really connected, though, even after I was told, that the woman who put up with mayhem and mischief from Laguna for so many months was also the woman who brought me into this world. What should I be feeling? Sorrow? How can I mourn a woman I never knew. Maybe I should mourn the fact that I never had the chance to know her, instead.

I run my fingers tiredly over my eyes, and remember, for the first time in nearly two hours, that my father is standing behind me. My father... and my mother, lying before me. My father.

Hyne, how I hate him...

*

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I've let the silence grow, exponentially, for nearly three hours. Finally, though, I think it's time for me to say what I brought my son here to hear.

"Squall?" He's been silent for so long, I'm not sure if he'll hear me. But he turns, watching me carefully as I kneel down in the cool grass beside him.

"Every day of my life," I begin, hoping I'll find the right words to explain this, "I wish for another chance with Raine. Another chance to tell her I love her, to tell her I'm sorry, to just spend time with her. I look at you," I tell him quietly, meeting his eyes, "and I'm beginning to wish for the same thing."

His eyes narrow, ever so imperceptibly, but I won't be deterred. "I've been a lousy father to you, Squall. We both understand that." I sigh, trying to find the words to continue. "I'm not going to tell you you have to forgive me, or pretend that there's nothing wrong, and I'm not going to pretend that I know how to be your father, or even that you need me for anything any more. I'm just telling you that you have a choice. Like I did, eighteen years ago. If you want to walk away from here and never speak to me again, that's okay. I won't stop you. So long as you understand that you have a choice, and it's up to you, and no one else, to decide."

*

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I have no answer for him. He smiles wanly at me, then turns and ambles back down the hill. I watch him, until he climbs the ramp back into the 'Rok and disappears, and then I realise he doesn't expect an answer. I don't know whether to be relieved or insulted.

It's then that I realise there is hot moisture sliding down my cheeks. I don't wipe it away. To do so would acknowledge that fact that I'm crying. And I don't cry. Ever.

It's long minutes later that I turn away from the grave, and climb the ramp back into the Ragnarok. Laguna and I don't speak to each other for the entire flight home.

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I'm going to be vanishing for 3 weeks now... evil university is sending me out west to some awful place on work experience. So please be a little patient for the next chapter. I will be thinking of you, as I'm up to my eyebrows in cow shit.

Redrum: Thanx for the review :)