Sorry the last chapter was so short but my muse has been on extended vacation. Thank you so much to everyone that's reading, I hope to have this roller coaster ride finished soon!
Chapter 21
There I was, laid out on a table
Screamin' sweat and bare feet on the floor
In my life, I'd not soften
Things that cut, and burn so often
But I sit, think of somethin'
Scared to face the dyin' nothin'.
"It Ain't Like That" Alice in Chains ©1990 Buttnugget Publishing
The passage of time seemed to stop for Logan now. The hours and days all blended into one singular chasm of darkness that enveloped his whole world. Completely impervious to hunger or the need for rest, all of his time was spent at Brianna's bedside. Xavier was there often, as was Jean, to monitor the comatose empath's brain activity. But any suggestions made to Logan regarding taking a break or getting some sleep were met with grim silence or noncommittal grunts. The trays of food that Storm brought in were left untouched. Nothing could snap Wolverine out of his inward-directed vigil. He constantly tested his mental link with Brianna, occasionally finding a glimmer of contact, but nothing substantial. There was also time to do much thinking, and Logan spent it trying to come to terms with what he now knew about his past.
He had been searching so long for the pieces of his life, at the same time knowing somehow that the truth would be more painful than the amnesia. Now the memories that Jean had drawn out only served to confirm what he had always thought of himself: he was nothing but an animal. Logan's tortured mind replayed every scene of bloodshed and torture, felt again the feral urges and underlying self-loathing. How many people had he murdered in cold blood? I couldn't even keep Vixen safe from myself. His heart lurched sickeningly. If she came out…when, damnit, WHEN, not if…when she came out of her coma, how would she even be able to look at him?
"She loves you Logan." The warm, soothing voice startled him out of his ruminations. His thoughts had been so all consuming that he hadn't heard or smelled anyone come in the room.
Jean approached with a soft smile. "Didn't mean to scare you." Logan just raised an eyebrow. The doctor's look grew serious and she crouched next to him, placing a comforting hand on his knee. "Logan, don't…"
"I know, I know, Logan don't worry. I hear it every fuckin' day! Don't WORRY?!? Bree might never wake up! How..." The adamantium-laced mutant choked off his words and lowered his head in despair.
Dr. Grey spoke calmly. "No, don't forget that I understand. Everything. I was there with you. I know what you both went through, and how much you and Brianna need each other." Logan winced.
"Stop beating yourself up! What you did was out of your control, you were worked over like a human voodoo doll, for God's sake!" Anger flared red in Jean's eyes. "Damn homo sapiens don't…" The look of astonishment on Logan's face cut her short. "Sorry. That's not me, is it?"
"No, it's not. Appreciate the sentiments though, Jeannie." He couldn't spare the effort to wonder over the doctor's sudden vitriol. "How's she doin'?" Logan stroked Brianna's cheek softly, mentally probing yet again for the sweet sensation of their linked emotions. Small sparks of contact tortured him with their brevity and elusiveness.
Jean rose and moved to the head of the table, placing her fingers against Vixen's temples as she had so many times in the past days. After a few moments, a small look of worry passed over her face, and Logan was on instant alert. "What's wrong?" He could tell his friend was torn over whether to say anything. "C'mon, Jean. Give it to me straight."
"Progress is very slow, Logan." The beautiful doctor wrinkled her brow in concentration. "Slower than I…Charles…would have expected. It seems like…like she's losing focus again. She's tired, Logan," Jean added quickly as the hirsute Canadian's face darkened in anger. "Brianna is still working through the memory, just not as quickly as we would like. Don't…" She bit off the automatic "worry" that came to her lips. "Don't lose faith."
"I don't put my faith in anything."
Jean's heart broke a little for the pain she felt in Logan's words. She wished desperately she could give him the peace he deserved, the security his tortured psyche needed to heal. You can bring the girl back to him. That strange inner voice spoke to Jean again, and the feeling of fiery power that came with it made her eyes burn. It's very simple…Shaking her head a bit in confusion, the doctor sent Logan a wave of calming psi energy. "Try and get some rest. Brianna needs you to be one hundred percent when she comes home." When no reply was forthcoming, the doctor sighed and left her friend to take what encouragement he could from her words.
Logan waited until he heard the mechanical hiss of the med lab door closing, then spoke to the small, still form on the bed. "Where are you, darlin'? You gotta keep going, don't give up now. There're lots of people here who love you." His voice cracked at the last, the words feeling foreign to his tongue. "I…damn…I love you, Brianna." Hot, painful tears slid down his cheeks and dripped onto the sheet covering Brianna prone figure. "I love you." Suddenly, Logan felt the constricting steel bands on his soul loosen and some of the ever-present loneliness dissipated. Acknowledging his feelings, albeit only to himself, seemed to bring an uncharacteristic feeling of peace and clarity to his thoughts.
There had to be some way to bring Brianna out of her post-traumatic fugue. Logan was sure, with all that had transpired in the last few days, that there was some small bit of information that had been overlooked, something he could use to reach his mate. Jean's words came back to him, uttered at the beginning of their odyssey in the Danger Room. Lead her out, you saved her once, you can do it again. But how? They had been separated, Logan believing Brianna was dead. How had he saved her? Some of the mental images were still blurry, most likely due to the drugs they had used on him. He contemplated again the scenario in which he had left Vixen, and forced himself to face the memory of what had followed. There had to be something…
The soldiers had dragged him, fighting feebly, down the dank cold corridor to a cavernous room. Logan remembered sickly green lights, the stench of antiseptic and his own fear and rage. This was hell…the grafting chamber, the final resting place if his humanity. He had escaped with nothing left of himself but his base survival instincts and a feral need to kill. Logan concentrated harder. What had he done to get Vixen …? A light ignited in his dark eyes and a small smirk cracked his sullen demeanor. "Follow your nose, darlin', follow your nose." He leaned in and kissed Brianna full on the mouth. "I'm coming for you."