Data Log Entry: 21831220
0230 hours
It's 0230 in the morning and I can't sleep worth a damn. My head aches with guilt. I was thinking about LT. Alenko today. Did I make the right decision? Losing a member of your crew is always hard, but I lost him because I chose him. I picked him to die. Fuck!
Dlkfjad;lkjaer [gojongrnfadlgk (deleted entry)
Sorry about that. I'm just so frustrated. I can't sleep which is pissing me off more.
I still can't believe I chose him to die. I honestly thought we'd have time to come back for him after we picked up Ash and the STG team. God he just had to stay with that damn bomb, didn't he? I feel so awful. I'm so angry right now at Saren. All this for some 'master' plan of his. How many more have to die? First it was Liara's mother, now Alenko, it doesn't seem fair. I am trying to remain focused understanding that some have to die in order to save millions; maybe even trillions in this vast galaxy.
The more I try to push Alenko's death to the side, the more it comes to my foremind. I'm trying to image his dad's face when the uniformed men come knocking on his door. His father retired from the service; a 22 year war veteran. He's going to know what's going on as soon as they walk up. Man, I've met his dad! What's he going to say when they tell him, Commander Shepard picked him to die? Shit this sucks. God this sucks no wonder I can't sleep!
I can't help but wonder if I didn't picked him subconsciously because of the differences we were having. Did I purposely send him to his death? The guilt is giving me an ulcer. I haven't been able to keep anything down for the last couple of days. I think I've been able to hide it pretty well but I noticed that Dr. Chakwas has been giving me the "I'm watching you" eye today. So knowing her, its only going to be a matter of time before she bust in here demanding some answers. What am I supposed to tell my ship's doctor? Your captain is cracking up because she is so guilt ridden for purposely sending Lieutenant Alenko to his death?
Great! I just had another awful assumption, what if I chose him because of the way he was treating Liara. Oh Goddess, I feel like I am going mad. I need some relief, if I could just get some sleep; anything even a couple of hours and I'd be able to bounce right back from this. I don't understand why this is tearing at me so. I've had others die under my command. Hell, I didn't even mourn Ensign Jenkins half this much. And he was just a kid. Why is this so different? Why do I feel so awful? I wish I could talk to Liara but I doubt she's awake at 0240 in the morning. She'd know what to say though. I could really use her right now.
~ Shepard out
0410 hours
I still can't sleep. I went and worked out trying to clear my head. It didn't help. I'm only more exhausted and my knuckles are bleeding now. I need to remember to tell Garrus to patch up the punching bag again. This is the 3rd time this month its needed a repair. I probably had more to do with that than I'm willing to admit. I've had a lot on my mind lately.
In fact, my head is still spinning. But at least now it's a more pleasant subject. Now I can't stop thinking about Liara. (deleted entry)
Professor Liara T'Soni. (deleted entry)
Professor T'Soni (deleted entry)
Liara.
Her intelligence, sweet and innocent demeanor is like a breath of fresh air. Never before have I seen such a rich colored blue as her eyes have. I could stare into for hours. Sometimes, I think I have but she's never said anything. I wonder what she thinks of my green ones. You know, I've never asked her. I'll have to ask her the next time I see her. Speaking of the next time I run into her, I just thought about the way is which she moves about the ship. It's like she floats. I never hear her footsteps, I wonder if it's an asari thing. But when she does move, it is so alluring. I like observing the hypnotic way she drifts about. Something about the way she moves makes you stare, and I'm not the only one. I've caught other crewmembers, men mostly but others stare at her too. I guess I can see why she feels so out of place on the ship sometimes.
The Professor is also a very powerful biotic with great fighting skills. She was well training in combat. I can tell that her mom made sure she at least knew how to protect herself. And who could blame her, knowing that the young asari would be visiting isolated dig sites for months or even years at a time. I can only imagine how her mother must have worried about her. She does have a knack for finding trouble whether it's on purpose or not.
I could sit and think of a million reasons why we need her on the team. She has contributed so much to the missions. Her biotic are unquestionably powerful and the smoothness and curves of her face. I wonder what that feels like. I'd like to find out one day. The way that green scientist smock clings to her luscious figure. Um – uh. I have to go now.
~ Shepard out