Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns all.
Rated M for several reasons.
Chpt 20 Patriarchal Manoeuvres In The Dark
BPOV
He's the man with two faces.
The one the rest of the world gets. Witty, generous, nice. And the one I get. Cold and nasty.
And I mostly know this because I'm a sneaky little eavesdropper.
But I can't for the life of me understand how they keep forgetting I'm here, it's not like I can't hear them occasionally reminding each other that the rest of them might be listening . . . .
The underlying tension continues to ratchet up and I'm finding it harder and harder to keep my reaction to him hidden. Sometimes he makes me want to cry and at others I'd just like to bludgeon him to death with a blunt instrument. As if . . . .
It was self defence lessons that kicked it off today.
Em has me pinned for the millionth time when A'hole can stand it no more.
"Are you fucking stupid?" He howls, looming over Em and I as we giggle on the ground. "This isn't a joke! You'd be dead several times over by now if he seriously meant you any harm!"
"Um. Bro?" Em rolls me behind him but makes no attempt to get up. "Not all of us are cut out for this warrior stuff, she's actually getting quite good at defending herself, she isn't going to meet too many vampires my size out there in the big bad world."
"What if there's more than one?" A'hole demands, fixing Em with his icy stare.
"Not my area of expertise Jazz, maybe if you helped rather than . . . ."
"She doesn't want my fucking help!"
"And whose fault is that?" Em growls, suddenly serious.
A'hole's eyes narrow and darken.
Oh shit.
I don't want any of them getting involved in this.
"Forget it." I huff, surging to my feet. "I'm due back with Eleazar anyway. Thanks Em."
I haven't gotten very far before I'm run down, an arm lashing out and spinning me around by the shoulder.
"What?" I demand, forgetting for the moment that I don't talk to him.
He blinks in surprise, closing his mouth over what he was going to say, which is just fine by me.
"If you can't even at least pretend to be nice about this training then why don't you just leave Em and I alone to get on with it?"
"Carlisle wanted me to do it."
"And I'd rather you didn't."
He blinks at me again.
Yeah, that's right Asshole, it has an opinion.
Encouraged by my mouth the eyebrow shoots up.
His eyes darken again and I order my mouth firmly closed, the eyebrow takes a few seconds to come down though.
It's funny but I can almost see his internal struggle not to lose it, it's nearly as scary as when does.
"Fine." He snaps eventually. "I'll tell him you don't want me to help you."
You do that. Now if you'll excuse me I'm late.
...
On a happier note today's session with Eleazar has actually gone quite well. I still can't do anything with it but at least I think I've found it, it's like a translucent bubble around my head, my mental head that is, not my real one. The shield thing. See? Complicated.
Still at least it means I won't be running any marathons tonight so instead I've decided to curl up in my room with a book or two. Carlisle's very generously given me permission to raid his study for them whenever I feel the need.
However I lose my ability to concentrate when I hear A'hole and Carlisle talking downstairs.
Damn that man, why can't I just ignore him?
"She doesn't want me to."
The study door opens and closes and they sit down.
"Did she tell you that or did you assume?"
"She told me."
"Well at least she's speaking to you." Carlisle laughs.
A'hole growls.
"Jasper, I don't know what to say." Carlisle sighs and it sounds like his feet go up on the desk. "She was always bound to have issues with you, you left her for dead, ruined her life as she knew it and you're awfully grumpy with her at times . . . ."
"She irritates me."
"I don't understand why, she's quiet and unobtrusive, qualities you usually appreciate. She reads almost as much as you do. She can be amusing when she finds the confidence to speak. She's attractive, well educated, self-educated by necessity, considerate and has a rod of steel running through her that would put a concrete building to shame."
Someone shifts uncomfortably in their chair.
"Or is that the problem?"
"Don't be ridiculous." A'hole snaps.
A pause.
"Are you sure you don't want to go back to school?" Carlisle asks, changing the subject.
"I hated it, you know I did, I'm a man not a kid and I always stuck out like a sore thumb anyway."
"Then what are you going to do?"
"I don't know." A'hole answers with something akin to desolation.
"Have you thought about it?"
"I can't concentrate at the moment." He sighs dejectedly. "I had so much I wanted . . . ."
"Is it so hard to ask for help?" Carlisle asks gently.
Silence.
"Jasper . . . ."
Silence.
"Bells!" Em hollers from outside my door. "Group hunt in ten minutes, you in?"
"Okay!" I yell back.
"What about you?" Carlisle asks A'hole.
"I'm good thanks."
"Well I'm going, I have to be back at the hospital in a couple of hours."
His feet come down off the desk, hitting the carpet with a thud.
"You should come with us. You're part of this family, don't start shutting yourself off, not when you've just found your way back."
"I need to think."
"Edward always used to overthink things. It drove you mad as I recall."
"Everything drives me mad now Carlisle."
They both sigh.
"Eleazar says Bella's struggling with her concentration, new brain, outside pressures, overload of information . . . ."
"And?" A'hole asks suspiciously.
"Why don't you teach her Tai Chi?" Carlisle suggests. "It works for you, perhaps you can help her that way?"
Tai Chi? That's what he was doing in the meadow, now I can find a book on it . . . .
"Carlisle, is that really a good idea?"
"To be honest I can't see how it can hurt either of you at this point."
A long sigh.
"Teach Emmett at the same time, he's another one who could benefit from some inner peace, he's barely been in school a minute and already the principle is complaining to Esme."
"She won't want to do it . . . ."
"Is that your reason for not offering?"
Silence.
"Jasper, I know you've been trying . . . ."
Even I can hear the air quotes around that word . . . .
"But I think you're going to have to try a little harder under the circumstances. You made a mistake and poor Bella is the eternal consequence, she isn't going to go away no matter how much you wish for it to be so."
Another long sigh.
"Carlisle . . . ."
"You can do what you like Jasper, you're a man not a child, as you've pointed out. But if you don't at least try to help her there's a strong possibility that you'll live to regret it."
"How can I help her?" A'hole groans. "Have you seen her? What do you want me to do, teach her how to fuck up? Everything I try to take care of ends up dead . . . ."
"No." Carlisle chuckles. "I want you to teach her Tai Chi. And your cannabis plant is alive and well . . . . "
"She's not a plant."
"No, she isn't. She's a woman and I'm afraid you're just going to have to learn to deal with it . . . ."
"Jesus, Carlisle!"
And I can hear the good doctor chucking as he scrapes back his chair and heads out into the hallway.
"Fuck!" A'hole exclaims into what I presume is a now empty study.
"Bells!" Em roars, making me jump this time. "Bears babe, you promised you know where the bears are around here!"
"Hop to it Bella." Rosalie drawls with less volume. "The rest of us won't get a proper meal until he's proved his prowess."
"Damn straight." Em growls to a round of happy laughter.
…..
To my surprise I quite enjoy our impromptu but somewhat crowded hunting trip. Thank god Kate, Carmen and Eleazar have already eased me past the instinctive stage of protecting my kill.
I'm not sure what Em was trying to prove wrestling with the bear, but it was certainly entertaining.
See how much I've changed? In my previous life I'd have found the idea of someone taunting an innocent bear disgusting . . . .
And it's fascinating to see how their hunting styles and food preferences reflect their personalities.
Esme takes down her deer gently, almost apologetically, snapping their necks before she feeds.
Carlisle is precise and definite, whatever he hunts goes down quickly with the minimum of fuss and is drained with the precision of a surgeon.
Rosalie is all predator and has no qualms about warning the rest of us off her prey.
Em is a sportsman, drawing it out for as long as possible, even it means going to ridiculous lengths of tom foolery.
Tanya makes it look like a ballet. Blood Lake.
Carmen and Eleazar work as a team, often feeding on the same animal like the cute dogs with the spaghetti in that Disney film.
Kate is Tanya and Em's love child. Graceful but inclined to be silly about it.
I wonder how I come across to them?
"Exocet." Carlisle murmurs, appearing behind me.
What?
"Hunting styles." He expands, nodding his head toward the others. "It's a very personal thing and something we all notice eventually. I think it tells you a lot about a vampire. You're like a guided missile. Totally focussed on your target and determined to get the whole thing over as quick as possible."
"I used to think of it as medicine, when I didn't know . . . ."
"That makes sense." He says. "Get the whole unpleasant business over so you can move onto something less upsetting."
I nod.
"Is that how you feel about being here with us?"
I just look at him. I can't answer that. It would sound rude and ungrateful. But I can't lie either.
"What's the difficulty?"
"Please, I don't want . . . ."
"You are entitled to your feelings Bella. No one can ever take those away from you. And I am not a person to judge you unfairly for them. I might even understand, after all you and I have some experiences in common."
"I haven't been around people, properly, in so long . . . ."
"A bit much?"
I nod miserably. I don't want it to be, it just is.
"You know you are welcome to come and go as you please?"
I should really ask for clarification but I can't summon the nerve so instead I nod again.
"Anything else?"
This time I shake my head.
"You know I met my sire, several years after my change."
"You did?" Shit, nobody told me that . . . .
"Yes. Esme is the only other person I've ever told."
"What happened?" I gasp.
"Well now Bella." He chuckles. "That's a very long story and I'm due at the hospital soon. What with your lessons and my schedule it's likely to be at least a week before I'm able to tell that tale . . . ."
You manipulative . . . .
Words fail me. Again.
"I don't know why Jasper has so much trouble reading your emotions, even I got that one." He laughs. "Do we have a deal?"
"I stay, you'll tell?"
"Yes. Definitely. Although I have a sub clause to add."
And up goes the eyebrow. Is it on a different circuit to the rest of me? Wired up wrong?
"Tai Chi lessons. With Jasper."
"No. I don't want . . . ."
"Really? I understand it's a great way of mastering inner calm. But if you don't want inner calm, or can't cope with Jasper, I suppose the story is not that interesting . . . ."
You Asshole.
His smile broadens.
Have I got an instruction manual tattooed on my back? Push button 'A' to produce desired result. Rolls over like dog when curiosity is tickled.
"Fine."
"Excellent. I'll tell Jasper when I get back shall I? Might as well start in the morning . . . ."