First of all, I'd like to say thank you for these past 20 chapters, it's definitely been a journey and I appreciate every single person that reads my little story.
Antonio
"So...you have depression." She arranged her thin glasses on her bony nose.
"W-what?" He stuttered. The black, leather chair he was sitting on was uncomfortable and his body tensed against everything.
The psychologist stared him down with an analyzing glare in her eyes, and scribbled something down in her annoying little notebook.
His mother sat beside him, her navy blue purse on her lap and her eyebrows knit together. She took his hand.
"Antonio, I'm sorry. But you're depressed. There's no doubt about it. I looked at your test results, talked to your mother, I see your cuts- you are depressed."
How many times did she have to repeat it? Depressed was hardly a word in Antonio's vocabulary and it certainly wasn't something he identified himself by. He wasn't depressed. He was always happy. That was Antonio's thing. He was always the happy, confident, smiling person that anyone could come up to at any time and start a conversation.
"We can either start with the normal depression therapy, or get you on Prozac."
"Prozac?" He squeaked. He didn't want to believe it.
"Yes it's a pill that will-"
"I know what it does," he interrupted with a shaky voice.
The minute he laid eyes on Dr. Beck he just knew he'd hate her. The red lipstick that stained the middle of her crooked tooth, her scraggly, withering form covered in concentrated wrinkles and thin, salt and pepper hair. She wore a shawl and bellbottom jeans, topped with blue eyeshadow that just looked wrong.
He didn't like this woman. Not one bit. And he didn't want her telling him all these things she thought she knew about him.
"Toni, honey, don't worry. We're going to find a solution. It's going to be okay."
Dr. Beck nodded. "See? You have your mother's support. Now we just have to make some decisions about taking the right path."
"I'm not depressed." He repeated stubbornly.
"It's okay to be in denial. You've been through a lot. Your mother told me about the situation with your brother. That can't be easy."
He wanted to cry at the mention of his brother. He didn't want to talk about this, or be involved in it. He just wanted to sink away and become numb to the world. It would've been so much easier.
She continued, "But whether you like it or not, something should be done about this."
"I don't know." He muttered.
"You may not know, but I do, and that's why I'm here. Now, I'll just have you fill out some more paperwork..."
Lovino
There was a boy, with bleach-white hair and eyes of a red hue he couldn't describe, in the house in front of him.
This boy also had a brother, about Feli's age. They became...instant friends. This brother, he could never remember his name. But he was significantly taller than Lovino, and obviously did some exercise.
He didn't speak with either of them, for a long time. Even when Feliciano brought the tall, blonde one with the blue eyes over to their house, not a word. He didn't like him, though. He was a total kiss-ass, Lovino could tell. He was always being so darn polite with everyone and Lovino wanted so desperately to tell him off and yell at him but something held him back. Maybe it was common sense, or maybe it was just his way of figuring out this new life.
A whole new beginning...that's what this move meant to him. He could remake himself, his life. Maybe he'd try actually being nice to people for once. Or be more like Antonio. He always seemed so happy... Lovino could never understand how he managed to do it.
But one day, it seemed like everything came to him. It came to him in the sound of his doorbell and a pale, violet-eyed boy on the other side.
He answered, unwillingly. No one else was home.
"You're Lovino?" Asked the boy. He seemed about Lovino's age. If not, older. He had a very defined form. Then again, so did his younger brother.
"I am. And you are?" Lovino lifted an eyebrow.
"Gilbert," he held his hand out. Lovino just looked at it as if his hand were an alien creature. "Our younger brothers are friends, right? Ludwig tells me a lot about Feliciano, and Ms. Sandra. But he says he doesn't know much about you because you don't talk to him. You're just quiet. But that's okay, because some people are just quiet, you know? So I thought I'd come over and maybe try to break you out of your shell, and introduce you to Hillsboro."
This Gilbert talked a lot. Almost too much. But, it's not like Lovino had anything better to do. So he let him inside. It was hot outside anyway, the air-conditioned home was a lot better.
"How long have you lived here?" Lovino awkwardly tried to make conversation.
"A good five years, I think. We moved here because of the school."
"The school? Is it really that great?"
"Well, not Glencoe high. That's the 'normal' high school. But the big fancy one that people come here for, is the Hillsboro Northwood International Institute. It's basically this huge private school that has kids from like, all over the world, and have to either pay a huge tuition fee or take some big test to get in. They even have dorms, for the high school kids who are just here to study. It's honestly probably not as great as people make it out to be, but it's still really popular."
"I see..." Lovino coughed. "So I guess I'm going to that one."
"Really?" He smiled. "Awesomesauce! I guess I'll see you around then, huh? You a sophomore?"
Lovino nodded.
"So am I! Maybe we'll have some classes together," he winked. Now that Lovino had gotten over the 'oh my god a human being is talking to me', he took the time to notice Gilbert's features.
As much as he didn't want to think about it, especially so shortly after Antonio, Gilbert was hot. Though he wasn't too 'big', his body was structured and masculine, as Lovino could easily tell with his tight white tee. His face and jawline...the chiseled features but adorable plump cheeks, and his fierce smirk.
No...he couldn't do this again. Could he?
His thoughts were interrupted by Gilbert's blabbering mouth. "You have a cat, right?" He nodded in reply.
"I have a cute little birdy, and I named him Gilbird, after me, of course."
"Um...why?"
"Because it's just cool, okay?" He laughed. His laugh was strong and hearty, genuine and pure. "You wanna meet him?"
Lovino looked down at his feet. He didn't even have shoes. He'd been inside all day...all week, actually. "I guess it wouldn't hurt."
Antonio
After the session, Antonio got home and took a nap. She gave him a book on Teen Self-Harm and told him to make "coping cards", which he'd probably forget to do.
His mother made dinner and sat on his bed with him to eat, as she did most days now. She'd been a lot more attentive and worried lately, and Antonio couldn't blame her. A lot had been going on lately, she must've been stressed enough as it is. He felt bad for putting her through this.
"So what did you think of Dr. Beck?" She attempted to make light conversation.
"She's...okay. I don't think I'll like her very much."
"Well, honey, it's only your first day. It'll eventually get better. If not, then we'll keep trying until we find a solution. I promise."
He almost wished he could believe her. So he just nodded, and continued to eat.
.
For the rest of the day, he played guitar. It had been one of his many distractions lately. He learned multiple songs, ranging from Ed Sheeran to Red Hot Chili Peppers. It gave him something to do, his mind a place to think, and when he finished, the raw aching of his fingers gave him some sort of comfort.
These days, everything was more or less simple. He didn't think about what he was doing too much, he just did it. If he took the time to lose himself in memory and regrets, he'd probably want to jump off a bridge. So he kept himself busy, whether it was helping his mom around the house, going out with mischievous friends, or lazing around in his room practicing. The days passed slowly under the scorching summer sun, everyone seemed to be having a lot more fun than him.
Sometimes when he would go on social media websites, he'd stumble along Lovino's accounts or pictures of him. As much as he hated to admit it, he seemed happy. There was a guy who continuously commented nice things on all his pictures, and he honestly made Antonio a fiery scarlet jealous. When he clicked on his profile and looked through pictures of his family, pet bird, friends, a picture of Lovino caught off guard while laying against a wall...It hit him hard. The thought of Lovino moving on, and remembering that picture he took of him in photography when they'd just met, and now someone else was taking that place just as quickly. It made him feel so damn useless and rejected. Did Lovino even care about him in the first place?
One day, when the resentment and depression began to eat at him again, he made the bold decision to send Lovino a text. Sure, as if a simple text can instantly fix everything. But he needed to take a step, any step, and attempt to move forward. He couldn't keep constantly thinking about a person who'd never even give him a second thought anymore. Maybe that sense of closure would help him move on...one way or another.
A: Hey, Lovi...so I've been pretty isolated this summer. You probably don't want anything to do with me right now. I understand that, I guess. But...I don't know. I guess I just couldn't get you out of my life. I've seen pictures, heard things about you here and there. I think I just really miss having you around. But I think we can both agree that you've been a lot happier since I disappeared from your life. So maybe you didn't really need me all along.
At any rate, I found out a short time after you left that I'm going to Oregon too. I'm not too sure about the city yet, but my mom wants me to take some test to get into some fancy school over there. Not only that, but I've been falling under something the professionals like to classify as depression. I've gotten help for it, and I think I'll get better. I'm not too sure how relevant that is to you right now, but I guess it's 'whatever'.
I really hope to see you again. Despite everything, I think you're one of the best things that's ever happened in my life. You've taught me so much already, and I wish I could learn so much more. Now, it's up to fate to decide where we both go from here. Good luck in everything, stay happy.
Lovino
He was with Gilbert watching the new season of The Foster's, the bleach blonde's favorite show, when he received a lengthy text message. The last person he expected to get it from, was Antonio.
The text consisted of things that surprised him and swirled his mind. Did he even know how to reply to something like this? He looked over at Gilbert on the other side of the sofa. He was absolutely consumed in his show. He wouldn't notice if Lovino stepped out for a minute.
There was only one way that Lovino could possibly deal with this situation, and that was
face-to-face. And the closest he could get to that was through Skype.
L: Can...I just Skype you? It's probably easier.
A: …
A: Sure.
Lovi made it up to his room and closed the door behind him. The phone rung in his hand, anticipating a reply to the call.
It took everything Lovino had to not cry at the sight of his old friend. He looked...horrible. The color had left his once full, tanned face. Dark circles under his downcast green eyes contrasted against each other and the whiteness of his face. Messy tangles of chocolate hair swirled back and forth on his head.
"Hey, Lovi." His voice wavered, but maintained that soft, joyful quality.
"Toni…" his eyes went wide. "I'm so sorry. So, so, sorry."
"Don't blame yourself, Lovino. Sometimes things just turn out to be a certain way. There's not much we can do about it."
Thoughts sprung around in Lovino's head. His thoughts were a puddle of dark confusion. "Show me your arms."
"W-what?" He choked in reply. Now, he seemed more unsteady.
"You heard me. Show me your arms."
Hesitantly, Antonio held up his arms to the camera.
They were covered in thin red lines… from the wrist to where the joint of his elbow bent inward. Such intricate, straight, perfect lines. Every single one was displaying all the pain he'd been through his summer, this summer that sank him ten feet under. Quickly, he let his arms back down and his eyes fell along with them. "I'm sorry," Antonio stated blankly.
Why was he apologizing?
"Antonio, shut the hell up." he said sternly.
"Huh?" his eyebrows furrowed.
"Don't be sorry for something like that. God, Antonio how could you blame yourself so much to the point you'd take it out on yourself?"
"I've...gotten help." His eyes remained cast downwards.
"Good. But...I love you, okay? Please don't do this. I need you. It's so damn difficult for me to admit it but mio dio Antonio I've been thinking so much about it and I miss you and I want you here so I can comfort you and tell you that it's going to be okay because dammit, I love you and there's no force on Earth that's going to tell me otherwise. So please, just stay strong. I don't know what I'd do without you. I don't even know what I'm doing right now."
He wanted to crawl into a hole and bury himself as soon as he'd said the words. He felt his face grow hot and tears building up once again, begging to escape. Had he said too much? His mind couldn't process everything that was happening and once again, he found himself floating away in the demented pit of his mind.
Antonio sat in shock. Lovino couldn't read his dumbfounded expression. He himself was too confused to hold onto a clear thought.
"Lovino," he said resentfully, after a while. "I… I don't know how to tell you this."
His ears perked up, and his eyes went glassy as the tears began to pile up. Impatiently, he waited for Antonio's next words.
"I don't love you anymore."
The phone, his tears, and his heart all fell to the ground at the same time. The glass of the phone shattered at the edge, releasing a cracking sound that very much mimicked the one inside of him in this moment.
"What do you mean?" he struggled to utter, falling on his knees to pick up his cracked phone. Thankfully, it still worked.
"I just...realized that we were always friends. And I was wrong to assume anything more. I should have respected your decision, given you your space. You're a great friend and all, but in a romantic sense, I wouldn't take that risk. Just friends, right? Like you always wanted?"
"What if I love you as a friend?"
"Then that's fine, I suppose. I'm just not sure I can return that love. I'm sorry. I have to go. Bye, Lovino. Good luck with everything, including that Gilbert guy. I hope you find what you're looking for."
When the line went dead, he wanted to drop dead on the floor and cry until he felt dry and numb. But, Gilbert was still in the living room. He had to go to the bathroom, wash off, and pretend that everything was okay. He had to somehow pretend that he didn't just realize the true meaning behind "be careful what you wish for" and now understood it, painfully.
.
Three episodes later, and Gilbert had to go home. He was always so happy. It almost disgusted Lovino.
When he was gone, he went back up into his room and printed out the piano notes for a new song he wanted to try to learn. He needed to practice piano, to get his mind off things and back into the music.
Also, as an added note, many of the places in Hillsboro that are in this story really exist. For example, Lovino's street and home really do exist, and as does Glencoe High School. But, the school that Lovino and Gilbert are attending does not exist. That, I made up for the sake of the story. I also apologize in advance for geographical errors or things about the city I didn't get right, as I've never even been there. Thank you for understanding and supporting.