Kind of a random idea, but I've been in a writing mood lately. :)

Hazing

There were forms of hazing worse than unicycles and pink skirts, and they came in Seymour.

It started out innocently enough, as everything with Seymour did. But finally it began:

"Stone," Seymour said, with a conspiratorial glance at Elliot and Billy that went completely unnoticed by the disguised Titan, "I have a really important question for you."

"All right," Stone said agreeably. "Bring it."

Seymour grinned. He liked open invitations."Right, so, Elliot, Billy, and myself: marry, shag, throw off a cliff. Answer very carefully." He set his chin in his hand and raised his eyebrows expectantly in a way Stone had quickly learned to fear.

Suddenly Stone realized that he was the center of attention. Jinx and Angelica had ceased their feminine rituals and were giggling behind their hands. Montego and Bailey had left off their arm-wrestling and were staring at him. Even Vito had closed the program on his computer and was listening intently.

Seymour was grinning, and Stone observed, not for the first time, that his teeth were a little too straight and a little too white. "Come on, man. It's a classic. You have to answer it."

"I do?" Stone asked weakly. Elliot began to laugh in his silent, shoulder-shaking fashion.

"If you shag me, I will give you AIDs," Billy said matter-of-factly. "That is a promise."

"I'm really bad at house-keeping," said Seymour. "Probably better if you just shag me and get it over with."

"Dude---"

"And if you cliff Elliot, he will totally kill you. Like, come back from the dead," Seymour added. Elliot raised his arms up straight in front of him and pulled a zombie-face.

"If you cliff me, you will never drive a car safely ever again," said Billy. "I have friends in high places. They will hunt you down."

"I'll take care of it personally," said Xilo, fixing Stone with a death glare.

"Yeah, man, the entirety of Crash Alley will defend the honor of the prince," said Seymour. "So what now? Who gets what?"

Stone sat quietly for several minutes, hoping they would all just let it go. When they didn't, and Seymour prompted him once again, he said, "Well, I'm going to have to cliff you for starting this."

Seymour's eyebrows shot up, and Elliot began laughing for real, with full voice.

"You're not going to cliff me?" Billy sounded as if he wouldn't dare believe anything Stone said after that. "Are you kidding? I always get cliffed."

"Not if you're going to sic an army on me to hunt me down, you're not," said Stone. "I just don't have time for stuff like that."

"Well…well, don't shag me," Billy warned him. "Don't you dare shag me. Don't you dare freaking shag me---"

"Okay, fine, I'll marry you," said Stone. "You'd keep me financially covered, and you're good for the long run."

Billy leaned back, still looking surprised, but satisfied. "Hell yeah I'm good for the long run."

"You're totally screwed for the long run," Seymour muttered.

"And speaking of that, I'd shag Elliot," said Stone, "because I'd trust him not to say anything about it later."

There was a long, uneasy pause while the students considered Stone's answer.

Then, Bailey began a slow-clap, like in the movies. A few other students joined in. "That is the best freaking rationale I've ever heard!"

"It's totally lame," said Seymour.

"Sounds like somebody's disappointed they didn't get shagged," Jinx giggled, and they began a small fight on the side.

"How does it usually go?" Stone asked Angelica, who was trying to stop laughing.

"Usually Billy gets cliffed, because people decide they can just take their chances with whatever his friends will do. Seymour gets shagged because he's relatively harmless, and Elliot gets married because he'd stay out of the way," said Angelica.

Stone frowned. "But he'd break everything in the house."

Elliot frowned, but Angelica shrugged. "Apparently some people could live with that. But he is very shaggable. Hope I'm not embarrassing you, dear," she added quickly. The teleporter didn't look embarrassed in the slightest. In fact, he looked rather pleased.

"Well, I don't mean any of that for real," Stone said quickly. "I'm just speaking in the theoretical."

"But it's good to plan ahead," said Seymour, turning away from Jaya. "So I'll be watching my freaking back any time we're near any cliffs."

"Good idea," said Stone.

Later, he thought about how all of them should have started watching their backs a lot sooner.