A Hundred Dawns

He's gone, presumed not dead, but on the other side of a gate where he can't get home. Jack is trapped on another world, which is better than Jack having died out there. It started out so nice, we found naquadah out there, the people seemed friendly enough. Jack told me their default leader, Laira, was comfortable, friendly and willing to talk. Much better than the typical belligerent leaders the SG teams appear to always encounter as if they were the standard.

But then there were the asteroids, the Armageddon's nightmare times a thousand. Lots of them raining down on the planet. What they thought of as a yearly spectacular event was going to kill them as their time was up. Every 150 years Daniel mentioned, death rains down from the heavens. A bit melodramatic to write, but I'm in that kind of mood.

What amazes me is how Maureen is handling this, I can tell she's just as worried about Guy as I am about Jack, but she doesn't look like she's about to melt down into a puddle like I feel like doing. I'm sure it helps to have her family help support her. I have to wonder what it's like for the Robinsons, all of them not only in the know of the Stargate program but working for it.

Not that I'm alone, Claire is there for me, and when I get home, Judi drops by. She doesn't know a thing about the Stargate, nor SGC weirdness, but she does know Jack's gone missing regarding something I can't talk about and she understands.

Then there is my job with Drey'auc, who ends up supporting me far more than I do her. After all Teal'c is on the other side of that buried gate too. From what Sam told us, he and Guy went off to get Jack once the asteroids starting raining down. They were a good ways off from the gate when Sam, Major West and Captain Walker had to dive through to escape the one falling star that sealed the fate of those three men on the other side.

Jack's good at surviving, he'll find away, Guy is smarter than most people, about as smart as Sam from what I could understand and Teal'c would get them through by sheer stubbornness not to quit. He won't ever give up and he won't let Jack or Guy give up either. They'll live through whatever's going on over on the other side of the gate.

I didn't even realize where I was on that first dawn when I came up outside on the mountain. This was the spot Jack proposed to me. I can still see him in a tux at the table he set up, Daniel dressed as a waiter and putting on one of his many accents as he served us a dinner I know neither of them had cooked.

I explain as much to Sha're as she joined me the second day I find myself out here. She didn't say much, I think partially she liked the story, but mainly she enjoyed the sunrise. It's a different kind that she had seen on Abydos, and on any of the worlds Amonet ruled over. We don't say much beyond that, again we don't want to shatter the moment. It just feels like we should be quiet up here on the mountain with the sun beginning to rise in the distance.

Predictably Drey'auc is with us the next morning. It's nothing anyone had said, I didn't ask her, and I don't think Sha're did either. She knew only because I was late yesterday meeting with her and she wanted to know where I had been. It was helping too, my dealing with Jack so far away, and Sam mentioning its going to take time to get to him, either by ship or this particle accelerator project of her's.

We didn't cling to one another, but we did cluster close to each other as we watched the sun paint the surrounding vista in light reds that turned to gold as it rose up into the blue sky.

Maureen brought tea with her the next day. Well, a thermos and cups that she passed out. Sha're was surprised with the tea, liking it, but had expected coffee. I suppose that's natural, she's only seen coffee come from a thermos and so its natural to think that is what it is used for. I suppose like a wineskin back where she came from. You don't expect water from one.

I did feel a little guilty not asking Maureen up earlier, but then again I hadn't intended to make this a regular event. Still it helped ground me, give me focus and by sharing it with others there was a kind of strength and support here that I couldn't have imagined.

Raine soon joins us and it wasn't long before Janet joined us as well.

I think I was the most surprised when Sam joined us up on the mountain. Initially I wanted to snarl, 'Shouldn't you be doing something', but one look into those red rimmed eyes and I knew she only got any sleep because someone ordered her to and the guys from SG-8 were taking a shift working on the accelerator to give her 'free time' to do such things as eat or sleep.

We have the other Sam, roboSam as I'll only refer to her in the pages of this diary, to thank as well. She's working around the clock, literally, on the problem. Giving our Sam a chance to rest as she wasn't a robot who was like the energizer bunny, and doesn't that put a strange image in my head of Sam in a bunny outfit.

I had to smile as I knew what kind of bunny outfit Jack would be imagining...right before I clobbered him for picturing her in it!

If General Hammond felt any bit uncomfortable when he joined the (up until now) all ladies group watching the sunrise, he didn't show it. I know I really appreciated him showing up to show his support, all of them who kept joining us up on that mountain top each dawn while Jack, Guy and Teal'c were trapped on Edora.

Everyone was so faithful, each day well into a second month, they were up there on the mountain at our spot, as I like to think of it. Showing their silent support and I needed it so much by this point. Family and friends were all giving their condolences as the date for our wedding came and went and I kept refusing to say it wasn't going to happen.

Dad recalled the time Jack was presumed dead and 'only' ended up having been in an Iraqi prison. He only asked me twice though if I was sure I wanted to put myself through this again, with Jack off on classified missions. Of course I couldn't tell him anything about the missions, what was really happening, about all I could do was tell him that this time it's different. This time I know what is going on, I just couldn't tell my father and I think that stung him a little.

But only a little. Michael Joseph Kozak is an understanding man. My dad always had been. He couldn't join us up on the mountain these many dawns in the flesh, but I could feel him in spirit.

Drey'auc's kel no reem

Claire Jackson tells me this is not a typical Tau'ri ritual, going up to sit on the mountain and watch the sun rise. Sometimes ritual starts with a first time and joining Sara and Sha're I feel I understand why they are there. This is a spot that our men have been at, a special one, where we can feel we are with them even though they are far away.

I am surprised how this helps me enter kel no'reem, and that by entering it I feel a connection to Teal'c who must be entering kel no'reem as I am. It is like the sunrise watching, it is a connection. Not Ina'kalesh, it is not known if there has ever been a Jaffa couple to every have been called thus. It is unlikely that even if there had been we would hear of it for the Goa'uld would have killed them as an example and not out of the edict the false gods made. For they could not possess a Jaffa and have no fear of resistance.

I still wonder if it is possible for Jaffa, for my husband and I. Our love is strong, yet does it bind our souls one to another? I would like to think it does, though after Urgo I my hope that we are is diminished. I did not see him, nor was affected by him as Sha're and Martouf were. I have to wonder if Sara is troubled by the implications as I am or is she content to just love her man as I do mine?

Questions to put aside and not let me savor the special feeling of sharing kel no'reem with my husband though we are light years apart.

Sha're's story

So many are here to support Sara, Drey'auc and Mau'reen. Even General Hammond had come to sit with us as we watch the sunrise at the spot my Dan'yel had been. At the place Jack had asked Sara to be his wife again. I still do not fully grasp at why they repeat becoming husband and wife. Even a bad marriage on Abydos ends in separation either by death or distance. The actual marriage is never considered gone for one to remarry another. Of course on Abydos a man may have more than one wife. A fact I had never told my Dan'yel and will keep that in my heart.

My father only chose one wife, a choice I believe my mother cherished, yet after she died I could see that he regrets not having another to help him raise us.

Would I be content to be first wife of Dan'yel, to share him with others? I do not think I could. Possibly if we never left Abydos and I not find out about the universe beyond the Chappa'ai. I would have thought it is the way of things and realize 'my place' as others from my land would insist. Dan'yel says otherwise, and I am free to speak my mind to share his fire to be with him in his heart as he is in mine.

Unlike Sara, Drey'auc or Mau'reen my husband is still someone I can touch, hold and assure myself that he is not gone far away on some distant world. Where I do not know if he will return, a fear I know my friends now face and I will not bring up least that hidden fear is bared and must be faced.

Dan'yel has not joined us up here, not until after General Hammond does, but I still feel I sit with my Dan'yel in spirit and I hope Sara, Mau'reen and Drey'auc also sit with their husbands in spirit as we gather here each day. It is my turn to be strong for them as they had been strong for me.

While I do not drink coffee I make sure Saman'tha and Mau'reen have it as they work. I fix tea for Drey'auc and Sara though my initial efforts only brought smiles as the taste is far from when I have had when Sara has brewed it.

Preparing meals for them becomes less of a challenge as I continue to learn my way around Tau'ri kitchen. The cooks at the base here are helpful as I try my hand in their place, and I think it is because I am Mrs. Jackson that they tolerate my presence among them. I over hear later that it is not their way to let other cooks in their kitchen and so I am especially grateful that they have allowed me.

So many helping, what a joyous miracle it is that this par-ty-kal ak-sel-er-ate-her is finished and we shall do as Sokar has done. Get word to our men and then rescue them.

I knew it was good to help our other selves made of metal and not flesh and here it comes back to help us. I am told that Saman'tha does not require sleep and so she works through the night while others must rest. Her help makes contacting our men possible as well as letting us open the Chappa'ai.

Drey'auc again makes sure I am properly dressed in BDUs as she also goes around to Mau'reen and Sara as we intend to go to their husbands instead of waiting for them to come to us. General Hammond lets us because the refugees from Edora are going through and what are a few more non-combatants to anyone who cares to press the issue with him.

Of course Robby is going through and after the display of power he shows firing his weapons through the engaged Chappa'ai there is no fear of what Colonel Makepeace calls 'fire-power'.

While I still do not like it, I offer to the General to take the Goa'kesh'sha for added protection and Drey'auc offers to take her Kara'bashaak'tak and Zat'nik'tel, but he assures us that with SG-11 going on ahead, the rest of SGs 1 and 8 also going along with part of SG-2, Will and Robby, we should not feel the need to arm ourselves.

"You actually offered to use the ribbon device?" my Dan'yel asks with concern later, "I thought it only reminded you of pain, of Amonet." Of hurting him I add mentally and believe I see in his eyes, yet there is also care there. He is concerned for me that it is only a reminder of how Amonet, how I, hurt others by my hand.

"It also helped against the Stragoth," we only learned the name of the aliens who invaded and impersonated others from the moonbase, "I saw where it can help like no-one else can, Dan'yel. It is like how I help Jan'et in the infirmary with the Ka'kesh'prim'ta, the healing device. Dan'yel you help with languages, this is my way to help, Dan'yel. In a way others will not. Saman'tha does not have the time to learn to use these devices and they can help us in the fight with the Goa'uld."

I stop when I realize I was not so much trying to convince my husband as myself. My demon still haunts me, at night she reminds me of the horrors we have done of the pain we have inflicted, and yet it is as I told Linea and Saman'tha, I cannot let my demon of the past rule my present. I can be helpful now and not just sit and wait for my husband to return. Already Jan'et has shown that to me and with the Stragoth, Jack has shown me another way to be helpful.

"Sha're?" Dan'yel had held me from behind, his arms a warm embrace, now he has turned me around to face him, to lean and look into my eyes with all the care I have come to known him since our first night together.

"I am fine my husband, I think I now have much to consider. That I was trying to convince myself and not you my Dan'yel." He gathers me in his arms again and all is right with our world for this moment in time.

I did giggle in the locker room as Drey'auc firmly strapped a holster with a Zat'nik'tel in it. She was not going unarmed anywhere. I reconsidered asking if I may take the Goa'kesh'sha, but dismiss the thought. It is too soon, and Drey'auc really is enough to protect us.

Saman'tha and Dan'yel lead the way with Will and Robby precede us as hand in hand, Sara, Mau'reen and I follow with Drey'auc behind us, ever the guardian Jaffa. Dan'yel and I watch as Sara and Jack, Teal'c and Drey'auc and Mau'reen and Jon'athan all meet and embrace. In the crook and circle of my Dan'yel's arm I am at peace that the hundred dawns are over.