A/N: Okay, here comes Stella-revelation-time. First of all: As of the last chapter, this is the longest fic I've ever written. APPLAUDS! And second of all: this is, as of… I don't know which review, the most reviewed one of my fics, too! APPLAUDS TO YOU! And now another chapter!

21: Save Yourself

Lawrence hasn't had anything other than yogurt and school lunch for about a month.

Lawrence goes to sleep at three AM and wakes up three hours later.

Lawrence works weekends at the local convenient store and then goes straight home to study some more.

This is something he's been doing for the past two years. But now it's the first time it's actually bothered him.

It's all worth it, he knows that. The sleepless nights, the lessons where he tries his hardest to keep his head up, but feels it softly falling into the textbook and his eyes closing. The time away from Adam, Wendy, away from his siblings. It's all worth it. As long as he can get them out of here.

But Lawrence is tired. So tired.

Lou is growing up. Lawrence has moments when he looks at her and suddenly sees that she's much older than he treats her. He still sees her as three years old, and when she's sad, he still tries to put her in his lap, but damn… If they'd been luckier, been born somewhere else and from someone else, she would've already started school.

The same with Daniel. He's become a quiet, shy little boy, not talking much but enough to say what he wants, those rare times he says it. He seems to have learned already not to ask for much. Lawrence wonders if he gets a certain look in his eyes when Lou or Daniel asks for something. Whatever it is that makes them convinced that they shouldn't do it, he tries to tone it down. He doesn't want them to think that they're not worth the breakfast that they ask for so shyly.

It's Daniel's sixth birthday soon. Lawrence is thinking about what to get him. He knows he needs a new pair of jeans. Not to mention a new bed, he's way too big for his crib. Lawrence wonders if he'd accept an education as a gift, but it doesn't seem very believable. It's probably hard to see how important those boring hours in class are when you're six years old.

He'd give Daniel so much more than education. He'd give him the world.

But it's all getting too much. The voices, the stomach pains. The tests that seem to stare up at him from the desk.

"What is it?" Adam says one night, with ruffled hair and sleep-deprived eyes, since Lawrence's screaming has woken him up again. "Describe it to me. Is it nightmares, or… Are there people? Voices?"

Lawrence shakes his head, rubs his hairline.

"They're not nightmares. And I don't… See things," he says, his voice hoarse with suppressed tears. "I don't know, I think… It's like voices. Not like they tell me to do things or whatever, they mostly tell me…"

He pauses. Adam waits.

"It's hard to hear what they say," Lawrence goes on. "They… They mostly tell me… How useless I am. That I can never do… What I want to do."

"You'll never make it out?"

Lawrence nods.

"Whose voices are they?" Adam asks quietly.

Lawrence shrugs.

Lou and Daniel back at home. Sleeping with Wendy in a car wreck.

"They sound like my own," he finishes off.

Adam and him always sleep in the same bed when they're at his place. But that night, when Adam can finally get Lawrence to lay down again, Lawrence is only almost asleep when he feels Adam scuffling closer, wrapping one arm around his waist. The warmth coating the wobbly, cold inside. He sleeps soundly that night.

Adam finally having his own place opens up completely new possibilities for them. Lawrence spends basically all his time there now, and almost always brings Lou, Daniel and Wendy, especially now that autumn is setting in and the cold is creeping in on them. When Adam opens the door, Lou bounces in and hugs his waist, and then Lawrence orders her and Daniel to take a shower, they make a complete mess in the bathroom and Lawrence gets guilty and asks Adam if they should stop shamelessly taking advantage of him like this, and Adam just rolls his eyes.

It's still hard for Lawrence to accept unconditional favors. And still, after two years, it's hard to imagine that they're not even favors; Adam does this because he cares about him.

Lawrence's screams wakes him up another night, probably the millionth night, hates himself and hates himself even more when he sees that Adam still doesn't get annoyed with him at all.

"Do they never go away?" Adam asks when he's crossed his legs beneath him on the mattress. "Are you ever happy with yourself? Do they go away then?"

Lawrence smiles hopelessly and shakes his head.

"Wouldn't say so. I'm sorry."

For a second, Adam looks so sad that Lawrence can barely stand it.

"Isn't there anything that makes you feel good?" he asks.

He cares. He genuinely cares.

Lawrence looks at Adam. His slim fingers. Furrowed brows. His mouth.

There could be a very simple way for him to get through high school. There is something that would make him so happy and so whole, that no voices would ever get into his head again.

But of course, it's not that easy and it never has been.

xxxxxxxxxxx

Daniel's birthday comes sooner than Lawrence was prepared for it. Since he refuses to ask Adam for money for this, too, Lawrence steals a muffin from the cafeteria in school and gives it to him. And since Lou is so bad at hiding her disappointment over not getting a muffin herself, Daniel kindly offers her a piece of it. Lawrence really wonders where he learned to be such a sweetheart.

The only thing that ruins the mood is mom. She's having one of her bad days.

She probably doesn't even remember that it's Daniel's birthday, so Lawrence can't hold it against her that she can't at least pretend to be happy for him, but he feels his barely existent affection for her shrink away a little further.

"What's with the Santa's manner?" she asks when she passes Lawrence on her way to the fridge.

Lawrence wishes he could cover Daniel's ears.

"It's Daniel's birthday."

She scoffs as she takes the coffee pan and fills it with water.

"Birthday," she mutters and gives Daniel a venomous glare. "You know what I got for my birthday, Danny? A fucking pocketknife shoved up my cunt. You think you're better than me because your big brother happens to be a soft-hearted little faggot?"

Daniel just looks at her. His eyes are wide.

Lawrence realizes in that moment that Daniel's eyes are a lot like hers. Like the woman in their kitchen that never was a mother to them.

"Leave him alone," he says calmly. "It's not his fault you're a hooker."

Her eyes narrow, she takes a step towards him. Coffee pan in hand.

"This is something about that guy you've been seeing, isn't it?" she spits out. "He's been giving you stuff? You're his luxury whore?"

Something snaps in Lawrence. But as usual, he's good at suppressing that.

"Don't speak badly of Adam."

The one who does speak up is his little sister who he still hasn't realized is much older than she looks.

Mom looks down at Lou. It seems to take her a couple of seconds before she realizes that she's supposed to get mad, and then, she smiles in that sweet and poisonous way.

"You've grown rather fond of him, haven't you?" she purrs, Lawrence notices that she's squeezing the handle of the coffee pot and feels cold inside.

Lou goes on before mom manages to finish her statement. She knows it'd just be with an insult, anyway.

"I don't get why you're so mean to us all the time," she says seriously. "If you didn't want us, why did you have us at all?"

It happens very quickly. Before Lou manages to react and before Lawrence should be able to react, the woman in front of them have raised the coffee pan over her head and swung it against her daughter's head. But Lawrence steps in front of her. Before he's even registered the fact that he did it, and when the aluminum hits his forehead, he closes his eyes because he doesn't want to see the thin runnel of blood trickle into his eyes and he doesn't want to see the world sway back and forth in his vision, doesn't want to give her that power.

She won't have any power. Any power ever again.

He's not sure what does it. She's hit him before, hell, she's hit him with that very coffee pan, but for some reason, it's this particular time that sets off this reaction in him. Finally.

It's over. It's over now.

He opens his eyes again. She's in front of him, and she doesn't even look angry, more like she's overcome a difficult task. She actually looks proud.

Lawrence opens his mouth. He's aware of everything, every syllable passing his lips, the air on his skin and the blood fresh on his forehead, but it's still surprisingly unceremoniously that he says:

"We're going to leave now."

She scoffs.

"Fine."

"We're leaving for good," Lawrence goes on, like he didn't even hear her. "We're never coming back. Lou and Daniel are starting school next year. They're going to get an education. They're not going to be like you. They're going to grow up and get a life. You won't get to see them grow up."

She's starting to get that he's serious. Her eyes widen slightly. Does he see a hint of sadness in there?

"I'm going to get them out of here," Lawrence goes on. "And if you ever, ever lay a hand on them again, I will kill you. They're not your kids. They never were."

They just stare at each other for a second. Lawrence looks into her eyes and there's nothing there.

"Louise, Daniel," he then says, in a lighter tone. "We're going to stay at Adam's for a while. Do you have anything you want to bring there?"

Lou and Daniel stand paralyzed for a few seconds, before they start gathering their belongings. It's not much. Daniel grabs his blanket, Lou her one toy; the pebble with a string tied around it. Lawrence takes a plastic bag from under the sink and stuffs down some clothes for all of them, along with his schoolbooks. He feels her eyes on him. He doesn't look back, because he knows himself and knows that chances are good she can get him to change his mind.

When Lawrence has gathered up all his stuff, he just stands there for a second. His mother in front of him. Still holding the coffee pan.

He doesn't know what to say. He doesn't know what to feel.

"I'll get back to you when I've started college," he says flatly. "Just… So I know you're alive."

She's standing there. Just standing there.

Lawrence feels that it's of vital importance that he leaves right now, or she's going to snare him back in.

"Say goodbye, guys," he says to Lou and Daniel. They wave hesitatingly.

"Bye, mom."

Daniel doesn't say anything.

Then Lawrence leads them out the door.

Lawrence knows that he has to get at least fifty feet away from the trailer before he's sure to never go back, and until he gets that far away, he can't allow himself to think anything other than strictly practical thoughts. He starts walking. Focuses his mind on things like how much the soles of his shoes are going to wear down during the walk to Adam's place, assuming that they'll lose maybe 0,001 percent of rubber every time they hit the ground, and a little more when they walk over a graveled surface.

That's what he's going to think about. Not about what's going to happen to his mom now.

Wendy's sitting in their scrap yard, playing tic-tac-toe with herself by drawing in the dirt in front of her. When she sees them, she smiles widely before she sees the bag in Lawrence's hand, his distant gaze.

"Is something wrong?" she asks as she stands up.

Lawrence shakes his head.

"We're leaving," he says and tightens his grip on his plastic bag, like that's the thing that keeps him in existence. "Would you come with us, please?"

Wendy seems to put two and two together pretty quickly. When she gets what he means, she scratches her shoulder awkwardly.

"I can't... You know, live with Adam," she says. "His apartment is tiny, and if you guys are going to stay there…"

Lawrence closes his eyes briefly. There's not much to discuss. If they start a discussion, he's going to cry.

"Wendy," he says calmly. "I love you. I hate mom. And mom is still all that I think about right now. Do you get it? If you don't come with us, I will never be able to go back to school. I'm going to sit on my bed in complete apathy until I go back to the trailer. Okay?"

Wendy looks at him. Shakes her head and even smiles a little.

"What are we going to do with you, Lawrence?" she asks softly.

Lawrence isn't really in the mood to have that talk right now. But he gets his way. Wendy walks up next to him, and then they keep walking.

It's a bit like when they carried Daniel to the hospital, that horrible winter when he got sick. Lawrence is, just like then, emotionally numb. Just like then, the only things that give him the strength to go on are the people by his side and the very determined thought that he's going to fucking do this.

And on the other hand, it's nothing like that time at all. That day, Lawrence actually had something that drove him on.

Now, all he has, even though he doesn't really allow himself to feel it just yet, is an overwhelming desire to go back.

He takes it out the wrong way, too. When they've been walking for about half an hour and Lou starts to whine and Daniel looks like he's going to fall asleep on the spot, he yells at them, and when Wendy tells him to calm down, he hisses something inaudible.

He's frustrated. With them, because they don't get how hard this is for them, and with himself, because it's hard for him.

The woman put him through hell. She's the reason he's as messed up as he is, he shouldn't want to save her almost even more than he wants to save himself from this place.

When they get to Adam's place, Lawrence's feet are aching, even though he's walked that walk hundreds of times and should be used to it by now. Adam opens the door with a not too surprised look on his face.

"The wonder twins," he says when he sees Lawrence and Wendy. "Hey, guys," he then says when he sees Lou and Daniel. "Come on in."

Lou and Daniel run past him into the apartment. Now would usually be when they ran around and asked if they could play Adam's records, but not this time. Lou grabs an apple from the sink and Daniel falls asleep on the couch. Adam looks at Lawrence with slight amusement, but he does get that this is a serious matter.

"Something with mom?" he asks lowly, as if Lou and Daniel could've missed it if there was.

Lawrence feels his hands trembling. Seems like the emotions are coming to the surface now.

"I'm not going back", he says. "Can we stay here for a while?"

Adam's gaze flickers back and forth between him and Wendy. Then he slaps Lawrence on a shoulder in a way he hopes is masculine enough.

"You can stay for as long as you want, man."

xxxxxxxxxxx

Later that night, Lou and Daniel are sleeping on the couch, tangled in each other's limbs. That's always been a comfort for them, even though they're never again going to have to sleep covering each other's ears to block out the sound of some guy fucking their mom. Wendy's sleeping on the spare mattress on the floor. Lawrence already knows where he's going to sleep tonight.

He's sitting with Adam on his bed. They have to be quiet to not wake up the others. That can be hard when Lawrence works with every nerve in his body to hold back a scream that will never end.

Sitting on Adam's bed. Like so many times before. Even though everything's different now.

"How are you feeling now?" Adam says quietly as he lights one of his cigarettes.

Lawrence shrugs.

"When it happened, I didn't feel much at all… I think I still don't. Lou and Daniel don't need to see me freak out."

Adam looks at him, concerned.

"Why would you freak out? One of the reasons you're so twirled up is that you've wanted to get out of that fucking trailer."

Lawrence nods, frenetically. It's welling up, from deep within.

"I know. I know. But what's going to happen to her now?"

He's already tearing up. Fuck…

"She's my mom," he stutters out. "What's going to happen to her now? She could get beaten to death by one of the johns, she could starve, freeze, start shooting up or whatever, and I'm not going to be there, because…"

He cuts himself off abruptly. Or his voice cracks. Adam hesitatingly puts his hand on Lawrence's knee.

"It's not up to you to save her, man," he says, more mature than usual.

Lawrence shakes his head.

"I could've done more."

"Yeah, you could've," Adam says plainly. "That doesn't mean you should've. You're the kid here. You shouldn't have to suffer because of her fuck-ups. If she'd been a real mom, she wouldn't have wanted you to."

Everything he says is true. Lawrence still has to put his hand over his mouth to keep the sobs inside.

It's such a relief. Such a relief. But he's so guilty, it's something black and slimy welling up inside him, and suddenly, he's fallen down on the mattress and Adam has to grab him with both arms to keep him from rolling down on the floor.

He could've done something. Could've done something.

He knows he shouldn't have, and that if he actually had done something more, he would've burned himself out. He knows that he's gone the best possible way, doing what he did today.

But Lawrence doesn't think that way. He believes in facts, numbers.

And the thought that technically, physically,he could've done something more to save his mom, is a thought that will haunt him for as long as he lives.

Lawrence misses school for the first time the next day. Not because he consciously skips it, but because he spends most of the night shivering violently with Adam's arms around him, eyes wide open, hands gripping white-knuckled at themselves until he's drawn blood from his own fingers.

He doesn't fall asleep until six AM the next morning. He's still sound asleep at eight, when Adam gets out of bed, calls in both of them sick and crawls up next to him again.