A/N: I know it seems like it has been forever since I updated this story, but I had a little bit of a block getting out this major chapter, because this is a major turning point for our Edward & Bella. So instead of forcing out a chapter I wasn't happy with, I wrote a few one shots instead, like Room 15, which will be a multi chaptered story in the near future.
HUGE thanks to my regular crew, fucktastic beta MaggieMay14, and my gals' flightlessbird11, beegurl13 and Risbee12. LOL. I am hoping it won't be so long between the next chapter, but I do have 4 more one-shots to be written thanks to the wonderful girls who bought my services in the Fandom Gives Back auction. I'm already working on one of them, so expect something soon.
I don't own Twilight. I do finally own a Canadian cell phone, woo hoo!
EPOV
The next few weeks, the relationship between Bella and I was strained, to put it mildly. We still spent our afternoons after school together, but it wasn't the same as it had been before the holidays. There was no hours spent cuddling and talking about school or are messed up families. There were no sweet kisses and languid touches that made both of us crazy with desire until we were unable to take it anymore. It was basically just us doing our homework or watching TV until the Chief came home and then I would leave. There was also very few times where we spoke of our love for one another. Every time I thought to speak it, something would interrupt us, being her father, my mother or the phone.
Bella was withdrawn and though I tried like crazy to get her to open up to me, it was like talking to a brick wall sometimes and her stubbornness was driving me insane. She had missed a few classes during the past few weeks; usually they were at the end of the school day though. Rosalie and Alice were usually gone with her and they all claimed to have gone shopping, but I wasn't stupid enough to think that the Chief would allow Bella to skip school to go shopping in Port Angeles.
"If she's trying to push me away, she's doing a wonderful job," I admitted to Jasper Friday after school as we waited for Bella and Alice to come and join us. The four of us were supposed to head into Port Angeles together after school to catch a movie and have dinner, and we were waiting for them to join us to leave.
During health class, Bella had been a bit distant and I tried not to take it personally, but I couldn't help it. If it wasn't for our arguments on New Years Eve, life would have been normal, better than usual possibly. Instead, I was dealing with an emotionally secluded girlfriend who hardly wanted to spend time with me. Every night when I would go home from spending time with Bella, I would be just as removed from my own family as she had been with me, and it wasn't healthy, but I didn't know what to do. Esme questioned my behaviour and I chalked it up to me being nervous about the impending rejections or acceptances from the universities I had applied to. I was getting very good at lying to my parents when I needed to.
"Have a little patience with her Edward, maybe she's got some shit going on you don't know about," said Jasper, his voice cracking as he broke through my thought process and reminded me of our conversation. His words floated around my brain for a moment before I realized that his words implied that he knew something was going on and he wasn't telling me.
"What the hell do you know?" I asked him angrily as he raised his hands and shook his head in the negative fiercely. Jasper looked downright scared as he put his arms down to his side and began to speak.
"Listen man …" he began to say as Alice and Bella strolled out of the main building of the school and wandered over to join us. Alice wrapped her arm tightly around Jasper's waist as he finally found the courage to finish speaking. "Contrary to what you think, I know nothing."
"Ain't that the truth," Emmett called out as he walked up behind Jasper, with Rosalie by this side, and smacked Jasper upside the back of the head. "I still have no idea how you will manage to graduate this year, Ricky Bobby."
"Thanks for the support douche bag," responded Jasper, the frustration clear in his voice. The two boys continued arguing over nothing, with Alice and Rosalie joining in to support their men, which was a bit asinine in my opinion. "I'll have you know I did excellent on my SAT's. I have a 660 in critical reading, 640 Math and 700 in writing."
"What the fuck?" stated Emmett, his mouth opened wide in shock. "Those are better than my scores… and Rosie's too man."
"Yeah, well just because I can't afford to go to a good school and I sometimes act like a lunatic, doesn't mean I'm a fucking idiot Emmett," declared Jasper as he pulled his friend into a headlock and began rubbing his fist furiously against Emmett's scalp, making him fight as hard as he could against Jasper's machinations. "Come on Emmett, say I'm smart asshole." There was a bunch of grunts and groans coming from Emmett, but not once did he admit that Jazz was smarter than him.
In an effort to distract Bella from the scene in front of us, I entwined my fingers in hers and pulled her to the side and away from what had now turned into full on wrestling between them. I wasn't worried because after over fifteen years of their friendship, I knew that five minutes from now they would be joking with each other and everything would be normal again. However, Bella seemed anxious.
"Are you alright? You do realize they are just playing around right?" I asked as Jasper suddenly shoved a handful of snow down Emmett's shirt, making him yelp out as the cold ice hit his skin, which was funny as hell.
"Yeah, I'm all good," Bella said stoically as she looked over at Alice, who was looking back at both of us with a sad expression on her face. When she noticed me looking at her, her frown turned into a large smile, but I could tell she was faking it. I hadn't been born yesterday, and I was certain something was going on. "I think I am going to cancel on the movie though. I'm feeling pretty tired and should catch up on some sleep."
"Okay, I'll come home with you. We can nap on the couch until the Chief gets home. Surely he won't have anything against an honest to goodness nap, right?" I asked genuinely as Bella gave me a rather weak smile, further inciting my thought that something was going on since she hadn't smiled at me in days. "I just want to spend some time with you. I don't even care if you are unconscious for it. I feel like we're drifting apart, and I love you too much to let that happen."
As if on cue, Emmett came over and splattered a snowball on the top of my head, ruining the moment between Bella and I. Her eyes filled up with tears from laughing so hard, but she never gave me a yes or no answer about me coming over to have a nap. I brushed the snow from the collar of my coat and my hair and looked around for Emmett, my eyes narrowed in anger.
"Could you be anymore of a jackass?" I questioned as I watched him help Rosalie into her truck and then he turned around to face me, a wide grin on his face, showcasing his very defined dimples. How could he be so fucking gallant with his girlfriend one moment and then turn around and be a complete ass to me? Perhaps I should have my father check him out for bipolar disorder next time he's in for a doctor's appointment, I thought to myself casually.
"Probably. Did you want to find out?" he questioned as he grabbed a pile of snow from the ground beside him and I took a step away from him and groaned. Why the hell was I best friends with such a childish idiot?
"Hell no. Leave me the fuck alone McCarty," I cursed out as I reached over for Bella, but she was turning away from me and I grabbed her wrist tightly by accident to keep her close. I instantly pulled my hand away, but Bella was quick to grasp her wrist and rub it gently as though it hurt. "I'm sorry; I didn't mean to do that."
"I know," she said sadly as Jasper came up and wrapped his arm around my shoulder, making the situation even more distracting. I was frustrated beyond belief at the constant interruptions as I tried to talk to Bella, and unfortunately for Jasper, he came up to me at the wrong time. "Dude, what the hell do you want?"
"I want to go to the fucking movies and feel up my girlfriend. Then I want to take her to dinner and suck face with her until I am forced to take her home because I fear her father coming at me with a shotgun," Jazz stated firmly as I turned my head and looked at him, my entire body about to start shaking with anger. All I wanted was time with my girlfriend and for the rest of them to go away. "Are you guys coming or not?"
"No," I said simply, not regretting my words, even though it meant I wasn't going out on a double date with my girlfriend.
"Do we get to watch you feel up Alice?" chimed in Emmett as I turned around and saw Bella about to get into Rosalie's truck with her. I ran over to the passenger side and grabbed the door, keeping it closed, before she got in.
"Are you really going to leave me here without saying anything? I'm sorry I grabbed your wrist; I just wanted you to stay with me. I really want to spend the afternoon with you, preferably alone," I stated emphatically as she bowed her head slightly and I reached my hand up to rub her cheek sweetly. It felt oddly warm for the middle of January, especially since had been standing outside in the bitter cold for almost ten minutes.
Alice and Jasper bid us farewell and got into his truck, taking off slowly over the snow covered roads as I turned back to Bella, pulling her against my chest to comfort her. I had no idea what was going on with her, but I couldn't handle seeing her like this. It literally broke my heart to see her so sad and disconnected.
"Rosalie needs to get something from my house. Can you come over in like half an hour?" Bella asked quietly as I kissed her temple and quickly agreed. I helped her into the oversized behemoth of a truck and closed the door behind her, watching as the girls drove away, leaving me with Emmett at my side.
"Something is going on," said Emmett as I looked at him, my eyes brimming with surprise as I found relief in the fact that he felt the same way I did. "I don't know about you, but those girls have been acting weird for days."
"I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks that," I said with a small sigh as we started walking over to where our cars sat parked beside each other in the lot. Almost everyone else had left for the day, with the exception of teachers and staff, and it was kind of disconcerting to notice the silence of the school. "Do you have any idea what is going on?"
"Oh, I have all sorts of theories, all of them involving Rosalie planning something epic for Valentine's Day in a few weeks. She's already been hinting about the fact that her parents are going to Vegas for the weekend, so I'm certain there will be all sorts of shit going on in her house that weekend, all of which involves her being naked as much as possible," said Emmett excitedly as I rolled my eyes at him. When it came to Rosalie and sex, he really was like a kid in a candy store. He also never thought that anything was out of bounds and I knew way too much about Rosalie's sexual preferences than I would have preferred to know. It was all a little disturbing actually.
"I hate to burst your bubble dude, but I think something else is going on. Why wouldn't Bella just let me drive her home and I could watch TV in the living room while Rosalie got whatever the hell it was she needed? Doesn't that make the most sense?" I explained as I watch Emmett nod his head slowly in agreement. "I think something more serious is going on and no one is telling me shit. Even Jasper knows something and is hiding it from me."
"I'm sure you are just overreacting man. The girls are probably nervous about getting their acceptance notices to college or they are already thinking about prom or some shit," he said casually as I opened the door to my shitty little car and sat down, starting the ignition as the loud music I had been listening to in the morning overwhelmed us. "Actually, Rosalie has been acting a bit weird lately. What if one of the girls is pregnant?"
Pregnant.
Shit.
I never even though about that. Could that be the problem? Bella and I had been so fucking careful every single time we had been together, there was no way. Hell, we hadn't even done anything since Christmas Eve, so there was no way she could be pregnant right? I suddenly began second guessing every single moment we had together sexually and wondered if something could be up.
"Nah, that can't be it. Rosalie was angry as a fucking bull last week, so I knew she was PMS'ing. What about Bella? Do you think...?" questioned Emmett as I quickly interrupted him.
"No. Definately not. We're careful and she is on the pill. It's not even a possibility."
Or is it?
My cell phone rang in my front seat and it was my mother, asking me to come home as soon as possible. I informed her that I had plans with Bella and she assured me that it wasn't bad news. She then began to guilt trip me about how pretty soon I would be gone away to college and she wouldn't have the luxury of seeing me everyday, and I gave up, agreeing to head home for a moment before heading to Bella's house. I said a quick farewell to Emmett and glanced at the clock on my dashboard. I had twenty minutes before I had to get to Bella's so I reluctantly made my way home, feeling anxious the entire time.
When I walked in the door, my senses were assaulted by the scent of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies. I pulled my shoes off and made it through the house to find my mother in the kitchen putting another tray of cookies into the oven. "Good, you're home. Carlisle, Edward's home," she called out loudly as I put my hands over my ears to save them from her noisy assault. "How was school? How is Bella doing?"
Before I had a chance to reply, my father strolled in the room looking rather smug, and I was immediately disconcerted. "Is there something you need to tell us?"
"Yeah, I'm supposed to be over at Bella's working on some stuff for health class," I lied easily, as I grabbed a warm cookie from the cookie sheet and shoved it into my mouth. "So can you bag up some cookies? I'm sure Bella would love to taste some of your homemade goodies." I waited patiently as my mom began practically bouncing on her toes and my dad handed me three large envelopes. I sifted through each one, Dartmouth, Emory and Princeton, and my stomach sank. There was no doubt in my mind that I had been accepted, since I doubted that the schools sent out rejection letters in such large, thick envelopes.
I tore at each one frantically and pulled out the extensive packages, each one advising me that I had been accepted as my mother smiled brightly, waiting for me to say something. I tossed the pages on the table and sat down, resting my elbows on the table and my head on my hands. What the hell was I going to do? How the hell would I tell Bella I was leaving? If she was actually pregnant, what the hell would we do then?
I stood up from the kitchen chair and headed towards the front door, tugging on my shoes again as I grabbed at my keys on the small table by the door. "Aren't you going to say something?" pleaded my mother as she followed me from the kitchen, my dad close behind her.
"I got in to all three obviously and I have no idea what the heck I am going to do. I need to go out for a drive," I said honestly as my mother shook her head and my dad looked at me with disappointment in his eyes. "I know what you want to say... follow my heart right?" I asked my dad as I opened the front door and stood there for a moment, waiting for him to say something.
"No, you should listen to your gut. Dartmouth has been your dream for a long time Edward; don't let your love for Bella cloud your dreams. If you guys are meant to be, it will happen," he said without any emotion as I grabbed the door and closed it firmly behind me. I got into the car and sat there for a few minutes before I grabbed the wheel and began shaking it angrily, eventually reaching my hands up to pound against it, as though taking my frustrations out against my steering wheel would make me feel better.
It didn't.
BPOV
"Thanks for doing this for me, really," I said genuinely to Rosalie as we pulled into the driveway of my house after stopping at the pharmacy in town. My palms continued to sweat and my whole body felt tired, yet hot as we sat in the truck, looking at each other silently. Rosalie, Alice and I were so close, that she didn't need to ask questions to know something as wrong. Having gone through turmoil with me before, Rosalie just offered her support the only way she knew how, by acting normal and being my friend.
"Bella, you never have to thank me. Do you want me to come in for a bit?" she questioned as I quickly shook my head. Edward was due at any moment and I really needed some time alone before he arrived. I had so much to wrap my head around and not enough time in the day to do it.
"No I'll be fine. I just need a little time alone and then Edward will be here. I have no idea what the hell to say to him though," I admitted as Rosalie leaned over the center console and pulled me into an awkward half hug thing.
"He loves you, so whatever you decide to tell him, he'll be supportive. I think you have waited way too long to tell him in my opinion, but you've heard me say that for a while now, so I will shut up," said Rosalie as she covered her hand over her mouth and I let out a small laugh. Other than the snowball incident with Emmett earlier in the day, it felt like it had been a long time since I had laughed, and it felt really good.
"Thanks Rosalie," I said quickly as I grabbed my backpack and my bag from the store and hopped down from her truck, my shoes slipping slightly on the ice and snow mixture coating the driveway. I didn't fall though, catching myself on the step of her truck before righting myself. "I'm all good, I swear," I said through clenched teeth as Rosalie looked down at me from the open truck door, which I was then quick to close behind me.
She drove away the moment I was safely in the house and I practically ran upstairs, opening up the small container from the pharmacy and swallowing down my pill without water. I had gotten used to that in my short life and even though it sucked, it was a necessary evil. I hid the container behind some other items in the bathroom cabinet and then stepped into my room to get changed into something more comfortable, choosing some warm sweat pants and a heavy sweatshirt. I grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and settled down to watch TV on the couch until Edward arrived.
A little while later, I was woken up by the sound of loud pounding on my front door, and I rubbed my eyes and looked at the clock as I stood up. It was already after four in the afternoon, and I had been asleep for almost an hour. When I opened the door, Edward stood there looking very frantic as he stepped in and kissed me rather forcefully, which left me gasping for air.
"Weren't you supposed to be here like half an hour ago?" I questioned him as he nodded his head slowly and pulled off his shoes, leaving them beside the front door to dry, as they were covered in snow. Edward laced my fingers into his cold ones and pulled me into the living room, where he sat on the couch and pulled me down onto his lap. He was clearly upset about something, but he wasn't speaking. In fact, we sat curled up in each other's arms for almost five minutes before either of us said anything at all. "What's wrong?"
"I could ask you the same question," he said calmly as my eyes grew wide. What the hell did he know? I had been thinking about talking to him about everything that was running wild in my mind, but each time I thought I had worked up the nerve to tell him, nothing came out of my mouth. Now, that I found myself not prepared to talk to him, I decided the only thing I could do was lie. We had promised each other not to lie or hurt each other, but I had been doing it the entire time we had been together. Why couldn't I just tell him the truth? He would love me even if I was broken… wouldn't he?
"I have no idea what you are talking about Edward," I lied as I rested my hand over his heart and leaned my head down onto his shoulder. If I could have stayed there forever with him, I would have. If I told him what was going on, I would most definitely break his heart. I couldn't do that to Edward. I was much more of a suffer in silence type and I would continue as long as I had to. I wasn't just protecting him by keeping silent; I was protecting myself as well. I couldn't lose him.
"We haven't had sex in a month."
"Is that what this is about? You're disappointed because I haven't been putting out like a good little girlfriend?" I lashed out angrily as he looked at me, his eyes betraying his words. He hadn't meant it, but he had said it anyways. I turned my entire body and straddled him, pulling my sweatshirt off, the cold air hitting my now bare chest like a tidal wave, making me shiver. "Is this what you fucking wanted?"
I grabbed his face in my hands and pulled him towards me, our lips crashing together, but no real kissing going on. There was no love or tenderness in the kiss, merely a touch of lips, which felt empty to me. Edward grasped onto my upper arms and tried to push me away from him, which was fairly easy considering how tired I was. I hopped up from his lap and grabbed my shirt, pulling it over my head swiftly as Edward just sat there awestuck.
"So I offer myself to you and reject me, thanks," I uttered sarcastically as I grabbed my drink, taking a big sip. The water went down easily, but I didn't feel sated. "Are you just going to sit there and look at me like nothing is happening between us Edward?"
"No. This isn't what I fucking wanted Bella. I wanted my girlfriend to be open with me and tell me what the fuck is going on, so I decided to goad you, which worked perfectly I might add. Emmett had me completely paranoid that you were pregnant, but then you pulled off your fucking shirt and I saw how sickly and pale you looked. What the fuck is going on?" Edward said as he jumped from the couch and walked around it, furiously grabbing the back of it as though his life depended on it. I had no answer for him. Nothing that could make the feeling of anger and hurt that was clearly boiling up inside of him go away. "Talk to me."
"What do you want me to say Edward? No, I'm not fucking pregnant, does that make you happy?" I asked him as I paced the length of the room, keeping my distance from him. His entire body was shaking and I wanted nothing more than to go over and comfort him, run my fingers through his hair and reassure him that everything would be alright, but I didn't know what to say to him. I could argue with him until I was blue in the face, but it wouldn't make this any less hard for him.
"No, it doesn't make me happy," he confessed, his voice cracking slightly as he bent over the couch and rested his head against a cushion for a moment before standing up, his eyes red with tears. "I got into Dartmouth, Emory and Princeton. My mom called as I was leaving school and she had me come home to find out."
"Are you going to go to one of them?" I asked quietly as I watched him shrug his shoulders in uncertainly.
"I'm waiting to hear back from the other schools before I make a decision," he said as I just nodded my head. If he got into those schools, surely the rest would accept him. They would be stupid not to. "I'm not ready to make a decision yet, so I'm choosing not to. I'm going to ignore the envelopes and hope they go away."
"They won't go away Edward."
"Well I can just pretend they don't exist. I just think about it right now when I have you to worry about. All I want is to spend time with my girlfriend, with no worries or concerns looming over us," he said as he moved slowly around the couch and opened his arms, inviting me in. I was eager to be enveloped by him, to smell his distinct scent and bask in it, but I knew I was delaying the inevitable. By not telling him everything, I was ignoring something that needed to be faced, just like he was with college. "I love you Bella. With everything I have, I love you."
Tears began to well up in my eyes as I felt his hands ghost down my arms gently. "I love you too," I said honestly as I tried to hold back the waterworks that were threatening to come from my eyes. We stood there for what seemed like an eternity, calming each other with our touch and reassuring the other that we would get through anything as long as we were together. If only I believed the words we spoke to each other. I was resigned to the fact that in a few months Edward would be going off to school. Contrary to what he may have said to me, heading out east and going to a prestigious university was his dream. Who the hell was I to keep him from it?
"Can we sit down? I'm feeling a bit tired," I said to Edward as he pulled us over to the couch and we resumed our earlier position with me sitting on his lap as he wrapped his strong arms around me.
"What happened here?" Edward asked as his fingers danced from my palm towards my wrist where small bruises had formed. "This isn't from this afternoon is it?" he questioned, his eyes narrowing as he glanced between my wrist and my face, my expression clearly giving me away. Edward held my hand and then wrapped his fingers around my wrist, illustrating that it had been his slight grab from earlier in the day that had caused my bruises. He looked crestfallen as he looked up at me with concern. "What the fuck is going on Bella?"
"There's nothing going on," I said, trying to sound convincing. Why couldn't we just enjoy the rest of our time together, no matter how short it would be?
"Bullshit," he stated emphatically as he lifted me from his lap and I moved to cower in the corner of the couch, expecting the worst. "Why can't you just be honest with me about whatever the fuck is going on? Jasper tried to tell me something today…" he said as I interrupted him.
"What did he say?"
"Nothing… he said nothing. He kept your precious little secret, whatever the fuck it is. Why the hell does Jasper know something and I know nothing? You and I have barely talked about anything since New Years Eve and to say we are slipping away from each other would be an understatement," said Edward as he let out a huge sigh and continued yelling at me. "You never smile anymore, you rarely let me hold you and now you are keeping things from me, which concerns me more than anything else. Just talk to me, please!"
As if on cue, my father walked in the front door, brushing the snow from his thick police issue coat and looked into the living room in surprise. Edward didn't notice him though, so he didn't back down from his argument like I thought he would. Instead, he continued his rant, oblivious to everything else.
"Just talk to me. I have been in love with you since the fourth fucking grade and when I finally get the balls to tell you I am in love with you, a couple of days later you back away from me emotionally and physically, how do you think that makes me feel? Did you ever fucking love me?" he pleaded, his eyes full of sadness and despair. I wanted nothing more than to go to him and reassure him that everything I wanted was standing before me, but I couldn't move from the couch.
"Of course I loved you."
"Loved… past tense? Are you not in love with me anymore? It's been less than a month since we said we loved each other Bella. Did you honestly fall out of love with me so quickly?"
"No.. I didn't… that not what I meant… " I yelled in frustration, my anger boiling up and making me shake uncontrollably, as I couldn't find the right words to say to make him understand. How the hell could I tell him what was going on knowing that I was going to break his heart? Then again, Edward not knowing the truth was breaking his heart just as much, because I was shutting him out as I tried to keep my secret. "I can't tell you. You'll leave me Edward. They always fucking leave me. Just like Renee left me."
"Edward, I think it's time you went home now son," said Charlie as he came into the room and sat beside me, wrapping his arms tightly around me in an effort to get me to stop my shaking. "Edward. Go now."
"No… not until Bella gives me an answer," shouted Edward, angering my father as he tried his best to soothe me, to no avail.
"She's sick Edward. Now go home."
"No."
My father released me from his grasp and stood up, grabbing Edward's arm in his hand firmly as he pulled him from the room and towards the front door. I curled my body into a small body ball and laid on the couch, my tears flowing feeling as I mumbled slowly to myself. I could hear their voices over my mumbles, but I wished I hadn't, as Charlie began to confess my deepest secrets to Edward.
"She'll be better soon Edward. You just need to go home and let her rest," said my father tensely. "She's gone through it before and survived. She will do it again, just have faith."
"Have faith about what Charlie? This is my problem. What the hell is wrong with her?" Edward's voice was pleading and terse as I heard him gasp slightly. Charlie was no doubt crying because of everything and I was slowly falling asleep out of sheer exhaustion as my sobs were so loud, I could barely hear what they were saying. When I paused my crying for a moment to catch my breath, I heard the words I had been dreading to hear again.
"She has leukemia."
A/N: Okay, I know some of you had suspicions about this, which just shows how well you were paying attention, because I have been dropping hints since like Chapter 1. Yes, this was always in the game plan for this story, but I promise you, this story isn't about the disease Bella is suffering through, it's about her relationship with Edward.
Have a Little Faith and stick with me. It will continue to be a bumpy ride.
For a little more insight into this story, why don't you check out the song 'The Resolution' by Jack's Mannequin, which is where I got the title from. Thanks Flightlessbird11 for the reference!