Chapter Twenty: Until It's Gone
It was strange what simple changes in surroundings could make you feel. Under an influence of dim lightings and loud music, where it was difficult to hear your own thoughts, let alone compose them enough into some semblance of sense, it was more often than not how tiny decisions turn into grievous errors. Meaning, humans never found it surprising that the worst of choices they end up making for themselves happen when the distracting heat of bodies pressed all around you, when sweet cloying liquid played at your mind, when a mass of voices and beating music clawed at your ears and trembled through your body.
In one word and sense—
At a party.
And Subaru found himself taking advantage of just that in order to lose his humiliation and gather up enough courage, for the second time even if it felt like the first, to go up to someone whose life wasn't fucked up, but was about to be after the night was over all because Subaru wanted to be a Sacred.
He found himself finally leaving Fai's side after being pushed into moving against the stiffness that froze his entire body at the stares and silence of the audience he knew he'd have the second he walked through the door. He found his feet leading him subconsciously through the crowds, searching for his target tonight—searching for the unfortunate soul whose name was next and last listed on his letter.
He found himself, as he made his way through the throngs upon throngs of people, grabbing any glass left on any table and throwing back any alcohol in reach. He needed to be drunk to have enough confidence for this—to have anywhere close to enough nerve and courage. Otherwise, if there was even the slightest misgiving or mishap, everything he'd done up till now would have been for nothing. Hokuto would be disappointed and Subaru would've fucked everything up like he always did.
Just one time, just once, he wanted to do something right. He wanted to do something that, were it not for the circumstances, would make Yuui stop looking down on him, and most of all, would make the Maestro proud.
And for all those reasons, Subaru found himself, at last, stopping in front of Mioru Aoi, the soccer star who was leaning against a corner, surrounded by his teammates, and grabbed the athlete by the collar, pulling him into a kiss—pulling him out of the corner.
Pulling him and pulling him and pushing him and holding him and groping him and not once breaking the kiss.
To say the least, there was no reluctance on Mioru's part from the moment their lips met. The athlete's wiry-muscled arms wrapped around Subaru's waist and soon enough, Mioru was guiding the musician, banging him against the walls with lustful force, curling fingers into his black hair, and leading him on and on sightlessly towards the first empty bedroom on their path.
And through all of this, through Subaru's completely inebriated mental state, all Subaru could think of was how Kurogane You-ou was going to be either furious or furiously heartbroken, and how Subaru was a bastard for causing more shit between these two athletes who, rumor had it, had just gotten their shit straight very recently.
It would be all his fault if Kurogane and Mioru broke up again, or fought again, or spent sleepless nights wondering again. Subaru knew nothing about these two people, only that their lives were perfectly fine and their talents reaching to the skies, and now Subaru had brought all of that down just because he wanted to become a Sacred. There was no forgiving and no chance of ever making something like this up. Subaru knew that. He knew that he was a bastard. And it was things like this that made him wonder why anyone dared call Seishiro a bastard and Subaru the victim without knowing anything about the things Subaru had done.
If even one person saw how Subaru really was, there would be no doubt in that person's mind that Subaru was far more of a bastard than Seishiro ever could be. Seishiro had perfectly justified reasons, in Subaru's eyes, to do whatever he wanted to Subaru, be it beatings or rape, because Subaru had simply intruded upon Seishiro's life without rhyme or reason, simply thinking that Seishiro loved someone like Subaru.
So Subaru closed his eyes and let Mioru's warm hands, rough fingers—callused from training, but gentle in touch, the extreme opposite of Seishiro's smooth fingers with cold, cruel holds—roam all over his body. He closed his eyes and listened as Mioru undid the clothes Hokuto made, the snaps snapping open and the ties ruffling undone. He closed his eyes and sighed and gasped along with the beat of Mioru's heart, right against Subaru's own chest. He closed his eyes and twined his arms around Mioru's neck. He closed his eyes and arched his body when Mioru swung his hips, thrusting into Subaru for the first time.
He closed his eyes, knowing that when he opened them, he would be a Sacred and maybe, maybe, he'd have even the tiniest worth in the Maestro's eyes.
Su-ba-ru!
That's right, lucky boy. You got picked by me to be a Sacred. If that isn't lucky, you can't even know what luck is. But you do know, because you definitely feel the loving luck, right? Of course you do, you lucky boy you. But anyway, we should probably be getting down to business, huh? I mean, I'm a busy girl. Clothes to design, boys to entice, people to scam…you know how it is, don't you?
Though really, hon, what the hell are you doing these days? It's like my cousin bought you from a slave trader. Why the fuck are you letting him treat you like this? Anyone else but me would've interfered by now with all their panicking nonsense, but you're hell lucky that it's me who's found out. I know that it's none of my business and you're a big boy, but if you're such a big boy, shouldn't you let my dearest cousin know that, too?
Because, y'know, I don't really think he does.
So maybe…
You should show him?
There's the saying that people never know what they have until it's gone. And Subaru, that's one of the damn truest sayings you'll ever come across. It's also something that I hope you'll never have to learn through your experiences as a Sacred. Because, honestly, I've seen at least four too many people during my highlight days as a Sacred going through mountain-loads of shit before finally learning this.
As a Sacred, you'll be given everything you want the minute you ask for it, and you'll find that there's nothing people won't stoop so low as to do for you. It's truly the situation of, when you tell them to jump, they won't even ask how high. They'll just jump and jump and never stop jumping until they've jumped high enough or long enough or hard enough.
But there'll be some people, while you're a Sacred, who'll do anything they can to keep a reign over you, because you're power makes their power greater. It's as easy as first grade addition. Adding the power you've got to the power they have makes for even bigger power. And they'll use any kind of bondage to keep you there—whether it's emotional, mental, or physical.
And sometimes, you have to wake up, smell the roses, and get your shit together so you can stuff it in their face. Because to get where you are now wasn't an easy task, and I know that. I already know that, but there are lots of people who still don't and you have to show them that. You have to show them because most people out there are retards and don't understand how much they'll miss the beautiful and perfect and kind and soft and sweet and gentle Subaru Sumeragi until he's gone.
But most of all, this is for you.
You have to learn to take things into your own hands so that you don't miss anything until it's gone. So that you can save something before it disappears right from your fingers.
Because when you're a Sacred, once it's gone—
It's gone.
--Hokuto
Mioru looked at his cell phone, opening the newly received text message and just after a glance, he was able to turn back to the waking dead that was lying beside him on the bed to say, "You're a Sacred now. Be happy. And maybe alive, too, would be nice." He watched as the pretty, pretty, naked boy, lying curled on his side with wet eyes and sweat beading his body, shook his head profusely.
As soon as the sex had ended, the boy, Subaru, had began apologizing and crying and hiccupping all at the same time, while Mioru was still attempting to rack his brains together from the mind-blowing orgasm that pale body had just caused him in order to form a coherent answer that wouldn't make him sound like a retarded jock. Especially considering that this kid was probably some trumpeting prodigy. Or something of the sort. He was the Maestro's fuck buddy, after all, and you had to be talented at something for that.
Just past an hour, however, Subaru had begun to thank Mioru through the heart-wrenching, Hollywood-worthy tears, and all Mioru could do in his stunned mind was hand the poor kid tissues. Most of him felt like he should hug Subaru or offer some sort of comfort, but the rest of him was for some reason afraid to touch Subaru. As if anything could make the kid cry harder.
Also, Mioru wanted to know if it was a curse someone put on the kid to make him so adorable that someone a year younger had enough nerve and instinct to call him "kid".
Really, if Seishiro was pulling some sort of crappy wool over this kid's eyes, the conductor had another thing coming. Because honestly, Subaru should just leave and get one of the thousands of people waiting in line to treat him better. Then again, it felt like the sort of thing the Maestro would do to someone like Subaru.
"Um," Mioru cleared his throat, snapping his phone shut. "Are you going to be, erm, okay?"
Subaru nodded, and hiccupped. Again.
"Um." Mioru coughed again just because. "You know that, erm, I'm not mad at you or, erm, anything, right?"
Subaru gave another miserable nod, still not meeting the athlete's eyes.
"And, well, um, you know that when Kurogane gives me crap about this which I know he will and should—you know that it's none of your fault, right? And that I'm glad you became a Sacred? You can put in a good word for me and stuff, then, y'know?" Mioru finally couldn't stand the pitiful tiny sobs and lack-of-eye-contact. He flattened himself on his stomach, right against the bed, and pillowed his chin in his arms, looking eye-to-eye with Subaru, inches from the trumpeter's tear-streaked face. "Right?"
The musician hiccupped again a bit, but the pink lips slowly turned up in the tiniest, baby smile Mioru had yet to see. "Yeah," Subaru whispered with that same smile.
"You're really good at sex, y'know that?" Mioru raised his eyebrows, wagging them up and down. "Like, super duper good. And usually, I don't even like to top."
Subaru laughed then, a beautiful whispered laugh through leftover tears. "Thanks. You're good, too."
"Better than the Maestro?" Mioru teased.
The smile faded a little at the edges. "I'm not sure anymore. The Maestro hasn't…um…he hasn't really tried to be good at sex with me for a long time. So I can't judge."
Mioru wasn't sure what finally prodded him into doing it, but his hand moved and landed on the side of Subaru's head, petting the tousled hair down carefully. "What's the bastard been doing to you anyway? Everyone's talking about it, you know."
"Nothing that he doesn't have the right to, and nothing I probably don't deserve," Subaru said quietly, voice beginning to tremble.
"What the hell could you possibly deserve that hurts you?" Mioru asked, eyebrows furrowing. "Y'know, you told me earlier about the letter and how people don't realize how much they need something until it's gone. Well, there're some people who can't realize how much they need something or someone until it's gone. And sometimes that's the only way they'll learn."
Subaru was silent for only a moment before saying, "I think I'm too scared to try that. Because I'm more than sure that once I'm gone, he's just going to move on. I'm pretty sure he wants me gone, and I'm just being retarded and holding on for as long as I can."
Mioru snorted. "What insane jackass would ever want you gone?"
The trumpeter laughed again—a prettier laugh that rang around the dim room. For the first time, he reached out a hand and touched Mioru back—pale fingers wrapping around the athlete's forearm. "Kurogane must really love you."
"I don't think so," Mioru said, leaning his head against Subaru's shoulder. "Not anymore. Not much at least. And even if he does, he's too fed up with me."
"He should," Subaru said firmly. "You're kind."
Mioru snorted again. "You need to be around me more. I'm in no way kind. I'm probably second-in-line to the Maestro in being a bastard. Worst of all, I don't think it's possible for me to change."
"You're kind right now." Subaru looked at him through dark lashes.
"Just to you," the soccer player grinned. "'Cause you're too cute."
The trumpeter pushed at him, laughing lightly. "Thanks."
Subaru Sumeragi is now a Sacred.
Welcome to the Trinity, S.
Blow that horn.
A/N: NO, REALLY. 'TIS AN UPDATE.
I'm so epic fail that it takes like three feet of snow and no school for a week for me to finally get another chapter up, but this is the chapter that finally gets things moving (finally) so I'm really happy it's up, and I actually think that I did a rather all right job. Not fantastic, but not too shabby either.
But I'm going to stop talking before I start sounding like a 1940's husband.
On the other hand, how was that double release for that KAT-TUN PVs, eh? Autotune suits them, strangely enough, eh?
(U-Kiss's "Bingeul Bingeul" is also rather catchy, and Kevin actually looks like a guy now!)
For those of you who think I've gone insane, just ignore the ramblings of a Kpop/Jpop obssessed freshman.
But if any of you are just wondering, or maybe I just like explanations too much, of why Mioru can't ever seem to be this nice to Kurogane while they were still together, it's 'cause some people really act differently around different people (like me e_o) and Mioru's the kind of person who'll act rough around people who act rough and are temperamental. But around Subaru and Senryuu (who's actually a lot like Subaru, only with testosterone), Mioru acts instinctively gentler because they're gentle, quiet people.
(2PM's Beer CF drama-like thing with Yoon Eun Hye--if I spelled her name right--is also awesomely amazing)