Chapter Twenty - One
"Castle!" Kate yelled, flying up from her stool and rushing to him as he stumbled back into his door. He was doubled over, and she took hold of one arm, the other at his hair, pushing it away from his face and cupping his cheek.
He felt as though he'd been stabbed, his whole world turned upside down... or... he didn't even know. It was more than just lies, and his heart pounded in his ears, his skin crawling with disgust, disappointment, and betrayal.
"Richard." Martha's quavering voice finally broke through the thudding in his ears.
"Don't." He cut her off, his jaw tense and eyes locked on her as she walked around the counter.
But he didn't want to hear it. Didn't want to see the anguish on her face.
There was a whole other part of him out there. One he never really realized he was that curious about.
But hearing that she knew...Knew exactly who his father was... killed him.
And worse yet... His father was a monster.
It was bad enough he had never been there for him, but now...He was helping destroy the life Castle was trying to build for himself.
A life he insinuated himself into.
He had no right.
Every boyhood dream had been shattered. Every fantasy and story he cooked up, had now just been stomped on and choked to death.
He couldn't breath.
He was gasping for air, and Kate rubbed his back, leading him to the dining room chairs and sat him down. She knelt in front of him, hands on either side of his face, "Look at me ." she said, voice strong, fingers soft at his ears.
He swallowed, head still down, and let her lift his head until their eyes met. Hers were swimming with unshed tears. Or maybe he couldn't see through his own. But he saw her passion which drove her here, and it seeped out through her fingers, calming is racing heart.
"Breath," she said, taking in a breathe, and he mirrored her, "That's it." Both let it out at the same time. And then she looked over at Martha, the redhead's face in her hands as she bent over the counter. 'You two need to talk."
"Don't go." He pleaded, taking hold of her wrists. He wasn't going to let her go now.. not after all they've been through, not for what they both just heard.
Kate leaned in pressing a soft kiss to his lips, pulling far back enough where their foreheads still touched and she could see his eyes as they closed. "I have to...I'm being watched...there's."
Eyes everywhere.
She wanted to say, but she couldn't, swallowed it down and kissed him once more, "I'll be back... I promise... I'll find a way to get back here or..."
"The aquarium." He said
She nodded, though she was not quite sure even that was safe. Not when she knew exactly who Alexander was.. not when he knew what he knew and did what he did.
Castle stood up, hands sliding down her arms and brought Kate into him. Burying his nose in her hair, he wrapped both arms around her, feeling her shaking against him... or was it him?
"You come back to me, okay?" He asked.
Kate inhaled, sharp and it caught in the growing lump in her throat. "Always." She whispered into his neck, smoothing her hands up his chest, until she reached his face again.
She couldn't stop holding his face. It held everything dear to her. His eyes showed her every truth she'd once denied. And looking into them now, she had to show him her own. "I'll always," she said, moving back in, her lips parted as they hovered over his. "Find my way back to you." She breathed into him, sealing her promise with a kiss.
Kate stood in the doorway of her apartment. She hadn't been there since yesterday morning, and standing there now, a bag of her wet clothes in one hand, her gun at her hip and his shirt hanging over a pair of Alexis' yoga pants that chased a little too far up her ankles; the place felt completely different to her now.
Her eyes darted to her bookshelf...
Where she now knew his entire book series was missing. Where were they now? She wondered as she let the bag slip from her shoulder in a heap on the floor. Someone had to have come in here and removed all traces of him...
She felt violated, as she moved farther in, fingers pressing to the scar hidden by her hair. How did they do it...she thought, kneading her fingers into the thin line...And the more she pressed, the more she moved into her home, the more her anger rose. She had been muffling it since she heard his name uttered from Martha.
Alexander.
That Bastard.
He'd been watching her all this time. He knew exactly when she'd been remembering, because she told him herself in therapy. A place she thought she was safe with her thoughts, feelings and struggles.
Kate didn't feel safe anywhere anymore.
She couldn't think of one place, aside from Castle's. The place where she sought salvation and found it in the circle of his arms. There was nowhere else she could feel like herself again.
Not here and certainly not at the 12th...
Kate found herself in her room, staring at her empty bed, the sheets still pulled down a little since the last time she was in it.
And what was she to do now? How was she going to continue going to work, seeing the boys and Lanie. She didn't want to even look at them. She didn't want to understand why they kept this from her..
Went along with it...
She didn't want to know if they even had a choice.
Kate gritted her teeth, making a sound in frustration and yanking her sheets back, but the sudden jerk pulled at her skin, and she let go, hand flying to her chest. She held her hand there, eyes slammed shut as the pain stabbed at her as if it was severely fresh.
It felt like her skin was being ripped from her bullet wound. Pulled taut as the fire shot to her heart, searing in the scar at her side and seeping into her veins. It was as if raw flames of agony had burst to life across her skin, and no amount of pressure could squelch it.
And when the horrible nightmare had subsided to a dull ache, she straightened, taking in a few ragged breaths, and made her way into the bathroom.
Her reflection once glowing with happiness, was now stained white, blanched by the pain that still throbbed it's constant reminders of her failure. And it flew past without her notice as she opened the cabinet and reached for her medication.
Taking hold of the bottle, she popped the cap with her thumb, and shook two of the capsules into her hand. She pushed the mirror shut, still ignoring her reflection, and swapped the orange container for a little cup on the sink before turning on the faucet.
She didn't want to feel this pain anymore, and once the cup was filled, she lifted her hand to her mouth, eyes finally locking with her twin in the mirror before she tipped her head back.
One. Two.
Into her mouth, laying there on her tongue as she lifted the water to her lips. But she was shaking, the fear of the pain setting in, the cup quivering at her lips as she downed the cup...
And spit it right back out.
The water and the pills squirting all over the sink, the mirror, and the wall behind it.
She stared at herself in horror through the water as it slithered down the glass. Her hand came up to her mouth, sobs starting to wrack her body at what she had almost done.
Kate screamed, throwing the bottle against the walls, the pills spilling and skittering all over the bathroom, and went in for the rest of them. Dumping the entire contents of her medicine cabinet, emptying every last pill bottle, medication he prescribed her for sleep, and washed it down the drain.
And when she was finished, various capsules and bottles littering her bathroom, it wasn't enough.
Her entire mouth felt tainted and so she stuck her tongue under the faucet, drowning out the remains of the killer of her soul.
She swished it around, adding toothpaste until her mouth stung, and her cheeks hurt. And when she spit it out, water still dripping from the mirror, Kate sunk to the floor and buried her head in her knees.
Kate didn't know how long she sat there, back against the wall and her destruction at her feet. But what she did know, pulling herself up by the towel rack above her head, was that she needed to do something.
He needed to be stopped.
Finding her feet, her legs shaking underneath her, Kate made her way out of the bathroom through her room, and into the rest of her apartment where she grabbed her bag from the middle of the floor.
She was going to take her life back.
It wasn't anyone elses to decide, and she shoved her hand in the bag, fishing around until her hand wrapped around her phone. The bag slipped down her arm, landing with a thud at her feet, and she touched at the screen, searching through her contacts until she found the right one.
"Yes, this is Kate Beckett with the NYPD." Kate said into the receiver, a look of pure determination on her face. "I'd like to speak to Jordan Shaw."