You know how I said I hated the last chapter. I take it back. Hate was a strong word. Hate is like agonizing all night and all day and then all night again and reading the same shitty 30 000 words for the chapter and literally finding only 4500 that are even remotely understandable. That's hate.
That's what THIS chapter is. UGH. I need to just get beyond this thing because the chapter after this is when things explode and I think I may lose it if I don't move forward. I know the quality of this thing, so please go ahead and review- point out the flaws- likelihood I'm already agonizing over it.
Sorry guys, I gotta get past this chapter :(
Much Sorries
Inky
He woke to the sound of a IV dripping and lights that were entirely too bright on his face. Sighing he closed his eyes again and draped an arm over his eyelids, wistfully wishing for sleep to come again.
The drip drip sounded like an ocean being dropped over and over, the splash atomic in it's thunder and he winced realizing his head was aching.
At his movement a nurse appeared, he could see the lavender colored scrubs through his fingers and felt her hands gently moving over his head.
"Uchiha-san, can you hear me?"
"Hn."
Slowly his arm was lowered and at the sight of his wincing face the light was turned off above him and a lamp was switched on to his right.
"Uchiha-san, how are you feeling? Is your head hurting?"
He breathed in slowly, trying to dispel the nausea that was wrecking his insides as he was propped up onto pillows.
His eyes flickered over his surroundings and he pondered briefly what had got him, and how hard. The throbbing in his head was not ebbing but rather growing in intensity and as the nurse peered at him he stared. Her eyes were wide and gray and as she cocked her head to the right mildly at him in concern he remembered.
He remembered Hinata's gaze over the street pavement, her skin lighting up orange and red from the neon lights above the bar and the acid that ate at him when another man touched her and pulled her to him roughly, sending Haku's little body tumbling to the floor.
A rushing of blood suddenly overwhelmed his ears and he took an unsteady breath, moving to stand.
"No... No, Uchiha-san you have to lay back down, you have a concussion and you may be dizzy."
It was an understatement, the moment his feet touched the ground he felt his stomach lurch and he gasped, straining against the vomit.
I have to find her, I have to find them.
"Your friend is here, I'll let him in, okay? The doctor will be coming by to see you very soon, but until then I need you to sit or lay down. We need to do a few more tests to make sure you're okay but then you're free to go." Her words washed over him and he straightened slightly. "Someone is here?"
"Yes, I'll let him in. Please make sure not to touch at your face, there are a few stitches on your cheek." And with a last gentle touch to his arm she moved out of the room, pulling the curtain around the bed mildly before disappearing.
Listening to his heart beat he pressed his hands to his face.
I don't know what happened.
The realization sat heavily in his stomach, festering there.
I don't know if they're okay.
The door opening and closing made him look up even as the room shifted dangerously on invisible axles and Kiba peered around the curtain, face gray.
"You look like shit." He muttered, pulling the fabric back with a dull hiss of the rings on the curtain rod.
"What happened? Where are Hinata and Haku."
"Home. You were out for a few hours." He stood there with his hands in the pockets of his jeans, studying him. The unhealthy shade of his skin made Sasuke regard him confusedly. "Are you okay?"
It was probably the first time that Sasuke had ever asked him that, and the irony of having his friend inquire about his health for the first time while wearing a hospital gown made Kiba grin wolfishly without amusement.
"You scared the shit out of me today."
"You look green."
"I may have thrown up a little. It got bad out there..." Smirking Kiba raised his shirt to show him a bruise spreading across his ribs that made Sasuke start. "Had to get your ass out of there. It got a little out of hand as people tried to help by breaking it up- but with everyone a little bit more on the drunk side it went south. Good intentions be damned." He shifted and looked out the tiny window on the door.
"Lucky for you there were witnesses to say that you were assaulted. One of them being Haruno Sakura."
At her name Sasuke did throw up, grabbing a bucket that he hoped had been placed by his bedside for that very purpose. Kiba looked away, nose wrinkled as he walked over to the sink by the counter and poured him a cup of water.
"What the fuck were you doing?"
"Are Hinata and Haku okay?"
"I didn't see them long but she's been calling me nearly every ten minutes since I passed them at the train station. She looked shaken up. Care to enlighten me on how the fuck Haruno Sakura, Hinata, Haku and you ended up in a bar fight? I'm really failing to follow the picture here."
Sasuke sat with his eyes closed and his head in his palms, feeling against the skin of his hand the handful of stitches on his cheek bone tugging irritably.
"I don't know what she was doing there, it's not on her route to anywhere."
"The trains were down westward." Kiba muttered, watching him with a frown. "So you know her route so you can see Sakura without bumping into her, is that it?"
"Fuck you, Kiba. You know that's not it."
"Well?"
"Sakura has been a nuisance for weeks, since April. I went to tell her, again to leave me alone, and to drag her ass home, she was at the bar getting wasted." He sighed. "I cannot take a right step with this girl."
"Can't seem to stay away from her either."
Dragging in a lungful of air Sasuke looked at him steadily, clenching his jaw at his serious non joking tone. "Kiba. She's stalking me. I.." He stopped and looked around. "Is she in the hospital? You said she was a witness?"
"The cops spoke to her at the scene, she defended you the whole time. I am not a huge fan though so like a sane person I didn't talk to her, look at her or generally acknowledge her existence."
"I'm taking notes, anything else you'd like me learn from you right now."
"If you weren't so completely messed this minute I'd hit you again." Kiba's brown eyes furrowed, the seriousness in his tone matching the clench of his fist.
Letting his head hang Sasuke let out one short dark chuckle. "Listen, I'm touched that you're here and all but could you just get out?"
"Hinata wants to talk to you, your phone is over there." He muttered, nodding towards the counter where his jacket and keys were also.
"No. I'm not talking to her."
"Not this shit again." Kiba growled, taking a step forward and in his condition Sasuke considered the possibility that he could do some actual damage.
"Kiba... I was at a bar, with Sakura... I got into a fight in front of her and Haku...I...I couldn't protect them, Haku's face..." he stopped, remembering again the cry from the child's mouth as he slammed onto the pavement. "I'm the last thing they need around, look what I do...when I'm trying to do the right thing."
His friend shook his head. "Sasuke, you weren't drinking, you were there trying to help someone- albeit a stupid move, but-"
"You were not there. You didn't hear Haku, you didn't see Hinata get grabbed."
"Someone grabbed her?" The tone in Kiba's voice signaled the possibility of murder and Sasuke felt a tiny insignificant bit better.
"I need to think about this." He muttered. "I...I don't think I'm ready for it."
"You're never going to be, it's one of those things you just kinda do."
"No..." Sasuke disagreed.
The aggravation was an actual taste in the air as Kiba threw his hands up. "I give up, I actually do." He turned, heading back towards the door. "You're going to regret this shit for the rest of your life, I promise. And I hope, I seriously hope that something happens to shake you out of that terror. I've never once considered you a fucking coward, Sasuke Uchiha, but right now I think even your devoted Naruto would have been ashamed of you."
"Get the fuck out." Sasuke snapped, and as the door closed the smash of the cup he had had in his hand crashed through the room, glass and water spraying everywhere as Kiba disappeared.
In the silence Sasuke panted, trying to steady himself even as the room swayed, and breaking the stillness a buzz echoed. His eyes lingered on the phone glowing beneath the metal of his keys and he sighed, watching as it rang, and rang and rang until whoever it was got tired of it ringing and hung up.
Eventually everyone grows tired.
She paced most of the night and called over and over, but he never picked up. Haku refused to be put down. In her arms like a dead weight he slept, his nose pressed into her neck the way that Naruto used to, breathing her in.
"Breathing home in." He would always grin at her then, and then try to burrow into the crook of her neck making her laugh, scratching her with the small bits of scruff on his chin.
But she wasn't laughing now.
Kiba showed up after midnight, looking sick and tired but mostly angry. Puzzled Hinata tried to soothe him but all he wanted to do was go home. Tamaki followed him out the door, her hands on him making Hinata start.
And Sasuke refused to pick up the phone.
"Stop calling that brat." Kiba's voice had been irritated. "Give him a couple days. He needs to put the marbles they knocked out back in."
She had ignored his comment, and her phone dialed again, going straight to voicemail she had already filled.
"Sasuke this is Hinata... are you okay, Haku and I are so worried. He won't go to bed until he hears you're all right. Please call me."
And waking up with a crink in her neck the next morning from sleeping twisted around Haku on her bed she sighed, and grabbed her phone right away, looking for messages.
One solitary text blinked at her from her mailbox.
I'm sorry that you and Haku had to see what happened tonight. I need to think, Hinata. I need some space.
She stared, a fist twisting in her gut. Think about what? Her fingers typed out messages, first one, and then deleted before sent, then another, deleted again. She would press the dial button and hang up instantly until she finally threw the phone off her bed, burying her face in her hands.
What are you thinking about? What?
Muttering to herself as she made the kids breakfast Haku jumped at her softly hissed "What?" as she thought.
"Nothing, Oka-san." He blinked, confused.
"Sorry, Haku-kun." Hinata started. "I was just talking to myself." Gently she passed him his plate, and Haku sighed, taking the dish in his hands.
In the family room Sora sat on her squishy chair, bouncing along to a song from the TV.
"Oka-san." Haku whispered, not looking up from his food. "Is...Uncle Sasuke dead too?"
Mouth opening into a shocked circle Hinata knelt down, grasping his shoulders. "Haku! No...honey, Uncle Sasuke is just fine."
I hope. I pray.
Haku's blue eyes shimmered like the ocean before a brilliant dawn, the salty liquid in his eyes reflecting the light of the summer day outside their window.
"Those bad guys were hitting, and pushing and I never saw him again and you're sad and I..." he hiccuped and like a cork was dislodged the tears started pouring. Gasping Hinata pulled his plate from his hands, dragging him into a hug roughly, her lips pressed firmly to his cheek.
"No, Haku, no...Uncle Sasuke is okay, I promise."
"I want...I want to see him." The sobs were shaking the small frame of the child as he wept, his grip on his mom painful. "He said...he said we would look at the boats again, just me and him one day without Sora cuz she gets bored and grumpy..."
"He's going to."
"I was really scared."
Sighing Hinata picked him up, hugging him tightly to her body as she rested him on the kitchen counter, noticing for the first time that his arms could wrap easily around her completely, and that the once round baby belly was flat and smooth as his body stretched.
Her baby wasn't a baby anymore, this was a little boy.
"Just give him time, Haku-kun, okay? I'm sure he will take you to see the boats soon."
Haku sniffed softly into her shoulder, holding on to her tightly, and his weak little voice whispered an "Okay," that seemed about as sure as his mother's gambled assurances.
...Even when I think about you now I still see that scrawny teenage boy. I know you're probably taller and fatter because let's face it one of us HAD to get uglier as we got older and since I'm still all that and a bag of chips I assume you're looking less pompous...
...I wish you would answer me so you could tell me how we made that old swing work on the weeping willow behind the Hyuuga property, I keep fucking it up when I try to make one work on the tree in our yard and Haku is starting to lose faith in me, save my parenthood, teme!
...the other day when I was was sorting through boxes of stuff in the closet I found a note from you. Some stupid thing about meeting me later at Shikamaru's place, but it had the Uchiha fan on it and I remember thinking about how your brother had told you to start a restaurant and that you'd use the fan as the logo, remember? I still miss stealing the leftovers out of your locker at school. Yeah, just so you know. That was me. Not Choji...
...Haku has a favorite story about us, I guess it's his favorite because it involves us both getting chased by Officer Asuma, who gives him candy whenever he bumps into him while he's out and about with Hinata. He cracks up when I tell him about us on our bikes trying to get the hell out of the library so we wouldn't get told off for building that fort with the encyclopedia Britannica section. I know you got in trouble for that even though you were the only one reading but it's probably one of the things I remember about you the most clearly. Your look when Asuma pointed at you from the fiction aisle like you were a common criminal. Priceless. You know what though, I still am shocked at just how LOUD the books falling over sounded. Don't tell anyone but I still think sometimes about doing it again, except for you're not here, so I'll wait. I'll get you pinned for it again...
...Sora has begun walking and talking and I feel sick when I see her do it. She's beautiful now, with her fat baby belly and her cankles and her fat cheeks that jiggle when I vibrate her on my knee. I'm looking at her and all I see is terror, Sasuke. Being a dad is learning to always be afraid...
...chick flicks talk about these passionate feelings, you know? I sometimes watch them with Hinata and I'm so glad that she sits there with me and scoffs at some of the stuff. I kind of enjoy watching them just to watch her get agitated. This one movie we were watching the girl can't make up her mind what she wants and she could not have been more frustrated. Making up her mind is the easy part for her, she knows what she wants but she won't take it unless the person it involves is willing. I was an idiot. If I had known how she felt about me in kindgergarden we would have been together since then and you me and my Hina would have been a trio...
...I had a fight with her today. We never fight, so I'm feeling off. I suppose that's why I'm writing. We fought about some shit I did in front of Haku. I should have known not to, but this fatherhood thing...it's kicking my ass Sasuke. I'm scared to talk sometimes because I start and I look over and Haku has his eyes trained on me. Everything I ever do from now on is recorded and when I see him do it as an adult will I wince or will I be proud? I called Neji an ass in front of him, and Haku laughed. Don't you laugh too, I know you probably are, but seriously I got in trouble from Hinata, she loves that man, I don't get it, but she does...
...sometimes I try to think about what I want for the kids, and the truth is all these stupid parenting magazines and books are talking about kids feeling secure and happy and bored and I'm just like- you don't have to be happy all the time, I mean shit, we were hardly ever happy, were we? I don't remember being sad, exactly but we were up to something, we had a purpose, you and I, and that was what I realized I want for them, a purpose. And then I realize that I, bakamono Naruto is thinking about the destiny of two little people's lifes, and I get sick. It's fear, Sasuke. Loving is fear...
The letters were once more scattered over everything. Trailing down the hall as he finished a page and tossed it over his shoulder, turning to the next one. Somehow it felt good, like self mutilation hearing Naruto think through his actions with his kids as a good ruler with which to hit himself. By comparison he moved through his life not thinking, acting on impulse, beating people's faces in while a child watched, for example.
With each letter Sasuke felt more and more firmly how not right for the job he was. Sure he could probably pin Hinata to the bed and make her cry out, it would certainly alleviate a lot of tension he was carrying around, but when the deed was over, when he was laying there thinking about what came next then what?
Words appeared in his mind, from half a dozen past letters, blurring and mixing and getting confused, although the meaning in each comment from Naruto had been the same.
...You were always a smart son of a bitch...
...I never understood how you could think three steps ahead, I just always went for it...
...Can't imagine you being surprised by something, teme, but this being a husband and father thing, it just keeps surprising me...
Sighing Sasuke pressed his fingers into the space between his brows. In the dark of the night with only the moon to light his room everything had a soft blue haze that blurred the lines between objects. Watching through his eye lashes he sighed when his cell phone lit up with another text message. It had been his birthday and between Kiba and Sakura the messages had been pouring in. Kiba's warning to show up for the dinner had gone unheeded.
Sakura's apologies and concern unanswered.
Only she did not text him. Call him or harass him and although he kept telling himself that was good, that meant that perhaps she even understood he found himself watching the phone, instead of sleeping, and at the same time arguing with himself about the gin bottle in his cupboard that had survived so long.
The messages slowed and eventually stopped highlighting the darkness of his room and left the moon to her own devices, her slanted half light sneaking through the half closed curtains to whisper through his covers as he watched her make her long journey through the sky.
He was sure there would be no more, and so his eyes began to grow heavy even as he worried about the possibility of nightmares.
And then the phone began to shine again, a quiet white eye blinking at him in the dark.
It had been still for hours and with his eyes half blind with sleep Sasuke squinted at it, wincing at the time.
1 am.
Moving to pick up he hesitated, surprise lighting his face when he saw her name.
"...Hinata."
His hand moved on it's own, the ringing ending with a abrupt half note of his ringtone. Her silence descended on the line and he breathed, his fingers tightening around the covers of his bed until his joints hurt.
"...you did not come."
"...I'm sorry."
"Don't lie."
"I need to think. I need some space."
"From us?"
He was quiet, and as he slowly sat up he sighed, watching the cars moving slowly through the street, setting their beams of light shooting through his darkness.
Like Hinata. Like the kids.
"I don't know."
"...Haku thought you died."
She didn't sound the same. Her words were clear, there was no hesitation, the enunciation clear and precise, her tone flat.
"Oh Haku." He breathed, and pressed a hand to his forehead.
"Now he is worried I lied about you being okay because you did not come."
And finally it hit him, the words she was pronouncing so carefully were picked out like weapons in an armory. Her voice was sharp as steel and closing his eyes again he sighed.
"You're angry."
"...I told you... I told you that I could hate you."
A sharp intake of breath and he was standing, walking to the window as though she would be on the other side.
"Hinata."
"Haku keeps talking about wanting to go home. He keeps asking if Uncle Neji doesn't like him either, if that's why we don't see him."
Slowly Sasuke slid down the wall, his breath coming painfully into his lungs.
What am I doing?
"I'm sorry."
"You promised me, you said... you said you would be here."
"I'm not sure...I want to, but I-"
"Stop." Her voice was shaking and he was unsure if it was tears or fury hiding in the tremble.
"Haku expected to see you here, he wanted us to all go to the harbor but I don't know where it is, only you do."
Burying his face further into his hands Sasuke breathed in.
..I look over and Haku has his eyes trained on me. Everything I ever do from now on is recorded...
The thing he had feared, it happened anyway.
"I have to go."
"Hinata, wait."
"Goodbye."
And she was gone, as quickly as she had arrived.
He watched his mother pace on the porch with the sliding door open. She had been crying, and her tears always had a way of waking him up.
His daddy had told him, that sometimes tears were loud, like Sora's when she landed on her knee and there was blood.
There was also quiet tears, with smiles that meant there was joy and happiness.
And then there were other tears. Silent tears, that only special ears can hear. Some people can learn to hear these tears, and his daddy had learned. So Haku had wanted to learn too.
She wept after putting him to bed, her head in her arms and her hair in a pool on the smooth wood of the table. Through the crack in the door he watched her. Her shoulders shook, like she was trembling, or laughing, but there was no sound.
Silent tears.
The birthday cake he had helped her bake was still sitting on the counter with the candles on even though they had cut it, and Haku had become upset. He had wanted Uncle Sasuke to see it, and now he wouldn't be able to, it was ruined by the slice.
No one had wanted to eat it after he began to cry, and he had felt sad that he had ruined cake for everyone.
Thinking about this made him tired and so he fell asleep on the carpet, with one eye peering through the door at his mother's shaking shoulders and her silent tears.
But he woke when a soft cool breeze tickled his eyelid.
Across the family room the table was empty of his mother's shape, and the lights were turned out, save for one hardly used. On the porch a soft gold luminosity expanded, an orb of yellow light and he sat up, wiping sleep from his face at the sight of his mother standing facing outwards to the sky, her phone to her ear, her words tumbling.
He had not heard her sound this way for a long time.
"...Now he is worried I lied to him when I said you were okay because you did not come."
Standing up he listened, watching as she leaned on the porch railing, her hand in her hair, her shoulders shaking.
Uncle Sasuke? The question lingered in his mind, and he wanted to go out there to ask if he could hear him on the phone. But something held him back, watching.
"...I told you... I told you that I could hate you."
"You promised me, you said... you said you would be here."
Slowly Haku sat, his blue eye bright and frightened as he watched.
Oka-san hates Uncle Sasuke...
Feeling something hurt inside him Haku winced, curling up on the ground with his arms wrapped around his knees, listening to her words with sadness trailing down his cheeks.
Who would be his new daddy now?
I miss home...
"Haku expected to see you here, he wanted us to all go to the harbor but I don't know where it is, only you do."
Feeling heavy the little body picked itself up, crawled back into the covers of his bed, laying his head back onto the surface of his soft pillow.
I want to go home.
And an image of a giant ship ripping through the water broke in his mind, of it's immense size, it's deafening horn, it's direction home.
"Home."
And quietly he got back out from under the covers, just as his mother softly closed her bedroom door and fell into her bed with her shoulders shaking.
I am SO sick of this chapter. SO sick.
I may also be in an awful mood because (in order of awful) my kids both have a stomach bug, my nosering fell out in the shower and down the drain, I now have a stomach bug too.
leave me some love, ne? I need it :( -Inky