When we walked into the first birthing class at Beth Israel, I was so ridiculously nervous. We had just come from Dr. Singh's office, and I tried to keep the sound of the baby's heartbeat in my head to keep from freaking out. It was all getting more and more real every day. Britt squeezed my hand tighter after we sat down on the floor, and I looked around to see- okay, to judge- the other people in the class.
Brittany and I were definitely the youngest in the room, by at least ten years, with the exception of the obvious surrogate for the two gays bickering about baby names. Everyone was pretty freaking yuppie, and there were actually people discussing preschool waiting lists. Seriously, for unborn babies. New York City was so beyond weird. The pregnant half of another lady couple came and sat down beside Britt and me, and I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. Solidarity. Fun.
"Hi, I'm Wendy." The pixie looking woman with green eyes and choppy brown hair introduced herself.
"That's my wife Melissa back there, yelling on the phone."
"Brittany." Britt smiled her ultra-friendly one, and reached out to shake Wendy's hand. "And this is Santana."
"Nice to meet you." I mumbled. I hated dealing with people.
"How far along are you?" Wendy asked Britt.
"Twenty-four weeks. It's getting harder and harder to dance while carrying this little cantaloupe." Brittany chirped.
"What about you?"
"Twenty weeks yesterday, we just found out that he's a boy."
I started to zone out while the two of them continued to talk. Okay, so maybe Rachel was right that I was a terrible listener, but seriously, I didn't really care about this other lady's baby. Britt was the nice one, she liked talking about that kind of stuff. I couldn't understand why people tell all of their business to strangers. Brittany leaned her head against me while she spoke, and I twirled her hair absently. They continued talking until Wendy's tiny Asian wife came over and sat down.
"Sorry Wen, I'm turning off the phone now."
"Okay good. Mellie, this is Brittany and her girlfriend Santana."
Before anyone could say anything else, the nurse instructor came to the front of the room and started the class. As she began talking about stages of labor, I resisted the urge to grab a pen and start writing things down. I was probably going to be terrible in that room, since as soon as any pain started for Britt, I would be looking for someone to blame, and possibly hurt. The more I knew beforehand, the more I'd be able to control Snix, who was sure to come out.
Resting between my legs, Brittany leaned back into me and I could hear her barely audible gasp. Spasms in her thighs again, I figured, and kneaded a fist into each leg. Her breathing slowed down a little bit, and I knew the massage was helping. Personally, I didn't think she should be on her feet all day, and I worried about it constantly, but Britt wasn't ready to give up dancing and teach from the sidelines just yet. Her forehead was scrunched up, obviously thinking hard about what was being said, and I hoped she wasn't working herself up. One neurotic mess was enough.
"So what fertility clinic did you ladies use?" Mellie asked, after the class was over. I immediately tensed.
"Um." Britt looked to me for an answer, but I stared back blankly.
"Brittany, we have to go." I didn't bother explaining further.
I watched Britt shoot Mellie and Wendy an apologetic glance, and then followed me, with my arms across my chest, out of the building. It was ridiculous that I felt myself getting so upset, especially since I'd worked so hard to deal with all of these feelings. Fucking rude, I muttered as I hailed a cab, no privacy. Leaning my head against the window, I shook my head, trying to no avail to clear my thoughts.
"Santana, don't do this." Brittany cried desperately.
"Don't do what?" I snapped, then softened immediately when I saw the sadness flash through her eyes. "I'm sorry B, I just need a second, okay?"
"Okay. But please don't shut me out."
For the short cab ride back to the apartment, I was silent and felt Britt's eyes on me. I wasn't mad at her, she didn't do anything, I was just mad in general, and could feel my own insecurities rising up. We would probably be explaining our situation forever, and I just wanted people to mind their own business. Why did it even matter to anyone else how Brittany got pregnant? God, if I could get over it, couldn't the rest of the world?
Walking inside, I poured myself a glass of water, and stood at the kitchen counter with a death grip on it. Get it together, Lopez, I told myself for the one millionth time. Britt had sat down on the couch with her legs up, and I noticed her wince from the spasms. She had tears in her eyes from my silence, and I knew I should go over to her. I couldn't though, not until I got a grip, otherwise I'd say something horrible.
"I'm not angry with you." I promised, when I was finally calm enough to break the silence. "I just feel...I don't even know how I feel right now. People need to mind their own fucking business."
"What other people think doesn't matter." Britt started quietly. "I know this isn't a conventional situation, but it's us, you know?"
"I do know Britt. It just makes me really angry that this wont be the last time I feel like we have to explain things."
Finally putting the glass down on the counter, I went over to the couch and sank down beside Britt. She was trying to find the words for what she was going to say next, I could see it in her face, so she ran her hand up and down my forearm in the meantime. I felt myself relax slightly from her touch, but I was still having trouble.
"We don't have to explain anything we don't want. You're right about it not being anyone's business. We've talked about this, we know where we stand. Why does anything else matter besides the fact that the Little Bean has two mommies to love? Love is love Santana, I've been telling you this since high school."
"I'm just insecure." I admitted.
"Well you shouldn't be, you're so amazing. Did you know that when you walk into a room, the baby starts moving more than any other time? I think it's because my heart beats so much faster when you're around, and they can feel how much they're supposed to love you. And when you talk to my belly, forget it, somersaults and crazy acrobatic moves. You're a part of the baby too, in a different kind of way."
"I really appreciate you saying that. I'm trying to keep from shutting you out about things, Britt, but when Snix takes over, I don't want you to see her. Thank you for always trying to make me feel better."
"I just tell the truth."
Brittany left to teach her afternoon class, and I was still pretty wound up. I threw on workout clothes and sneakers and sent Rachel a text asking her to meet me at the Starbucks on Liberty Street in an hour. That's what I needed, a good run and some of Berry's crazy logic. Then, I'd hopefully be feeling like a normal person again by the time Britt came home from work. I took my usual route along the river, cranking the volume on Alicia Keys to try and drown out the rambling thoughts in my head.
By the time I got downtown, I had calmed down considerably, and I pushed my sweaty hair off my face. Luckily, Rachel and I had purposely designated that Financial District Starbucks as our permanent meeting spot, because it was always empty in the middle of the day. Fewer people to see me a sweaty mess, fewer people to hear Berry's loud mouth. I ordered a Venti black eye for myself, and a chai tea latte for her before grabbing a table in the back.
"Sorry I'm late!" She shouted when she burst through the door ten minutes later. "Thanks for ordering for me. There was a ridiculous amount of traffic on the bridge, and then there is extra security over on Broadway again-"
"You're not even late, relax Berry."
"Okay, that was too nice. What's going on?"
"Just trying to avoid physical violence. As usual." I sighed, and launched into the story. When I concluded, I shook my head. "What the hell is wrong with me?"
"Can I speak openly without you yelling at me?"
"You get off on me yelling at you."
"You're disgusting. For the ten-thousandth time, I am not into girls, I am not into you and I don't 'get off' on your snarkiness." She was trying not to laugh, but I knew she thought it was funny. "Now I'm serious. I don't think you're wrong to feel as if everyone is prying into your business. You hate that more than anything, and I know that it's even harder for you to come talk to me about how vulnerable you're feeling. But there's more that you're not admitting to yourself, and you need to figure out what that is."
Ugh. Rachel was so obnoxious. If she wasn't sure a big star, she could have been a therapist. I swear, sometimes she sounded exactly like Dr. Collins. Surface problems, dig deeper, expose your inner self. With all the problems I had, you'd think there wouldn't be some ridiculously deep seated meaning behind my anger at some nosy bitch in class. Unfortunately, there was. Even more unfortunately, that meant Berry was right.
Closure, I needed something, and so did Brittany, to put this to bed. It was Sam, that's where the issue lied. Britt still cried sometimes from guilt, as much as she tried to believe me that it wasn't her fault that he died. And I had to make my own peace with the years of hate I'd felt for him, after all, he was responsible for giving me something I already loved so much- even if it turned my stomach to think about how that happened. Once I could do that, then maybe I would stop feeling so ridiculously paranoid about what other people had to say.
"You'll never stop being a pain in my ass when you're right." I told Berry. "I've gotta talk to Britt."
She offered to have Dmitri drive me home, and I accepted. I was trying to be better at listening to my friends, that way they would stop bitching at me, so I used the car ride for her to catch me up on her life. She was probably going to be nominated for a Tony, and if she was, she would push back the wedding to extend her Rent run. Same old story with Rachel and Finn, they would probably be sixty before they finally tied the knot. When we got to my building, I actually reached out and gave Rachel a real hug. She was a good friend, as much as I wanted to strangle her sometimes.
Brittany wasn't home yet, so I got into the shower and soaked myself under the scalding water until the hot water ran out. When I walked into the bedroom to get dressed, Britt was already home and laying on the bed with her shoes still on. She looked absolutely exhausted, and I figured maybe our conversation would have to wait until morning.
"Hey." She said softly, while I slid my sweatpants on. "How are you doing?"
"Okay. I went for a run and then had coffee with Berry, so I had time to work some things out in my head. But you look like you're going to fall asleep right now. We can talk on the morning."
"No, no. I want to talk now. Can you just help me take off my sneakers though? I don't think I have the physical strength to do it."
I frowned at her, she was working herself too hard, but untied her sneakers and slipped them off of her feet. Sighing, she moved further back on the bed and stole my pillow to put under her knees. When she was settled, I sat cross legged beside her and sandwiched her hand between mine.
"What I'm going to say right now is just an option Britt-Britt." I used my nickname for her so she knew everything was okay. "But I think it might help us both with some issues we're having."
"Okay..." She hesitated.
"Your choice, I'm serious. I don't want you to think I'm pushing you into anything. Promise?" Her pinkie wrapped around mine and she didn't need to speak. "I think that we need to go to Ohio."
"Ohio?"
"Yeah. I mean, we should go to Lima and see our parents- I know your mom is desperate to see you. But also, you said Sam's parents are in Akron. I think it'll help you forgive yourself if you see them again, and they don't know about the baby..."
This was so impossibly hard for me to do, but I felt like it was the right thing for everyone. Maybe it would all blow up in my face, Britt could get hurt, I could get hurt, I was testing the fates here, but if it didn't go badly then we were one step closer to happiness.
"Okay. Lets go to Ohio." Britt finally answered.