A/N I updated this story yesterday but it didn't seem to move on the update list, so it may be worth checking that you haven't missed reading the previous chapter before beginning this one...
For the first time I look up to see who is filling the seats of the gallery, and immediately regret it, dipping my eyes back down as the doors bang shut, and the court officer announces the Judge once more. I stand shakily, with everyone else, until she tells us to sit...
She reminds me I'm under oath before turning to the defense..."Mr. Buchanan..."
I never thought I would be here...when I sat on that narrow bed in the hospital, waiting for a doctor, I would have bet that I would leave there without ever allowing a full rape exam...and then there wasn't really a time through out this whole episode, that I really believed, I would have the strength to go this far...I couldn't imagine back then, being able to make a statement, being able to make a case...
That first day in Barba's office floods back; how I jumped up, knocking stuff off his desk, and fled before anyone could follow...Even before that, the day I first met the lawyer, I collapsed in a puddle of weakness at his feet, in my own home... I was just confronted by my own weakness at every turn... it never seemed possible I could get to this point...
I'm aware it is arguably, a victory to have even gotten this far...to be sitting here...but the fear now, is exponentially worse, than this morning...and I wasn't sure I could stay conscious then...I feel lightheaded, my heart is pounding and I'm shaking...Is this really, what a true victory feels like?
Suddenly I'm aware that Mr. Buchanan is calling my name...
"Sorry?" I say quickly, trying to lock my attention back into the courtroom...
"I asked you what the verdict of the investigation report Mr Barba, entered into evidence was?" he asks, his voice much softer than I expected...
"The author deemed my allegations unproven but..."
The big man doesn't allow me to finish, smoothly twisting my words without any effort...and it occurs to me this is most probably only the first of many things, I won't get the opportunity to explain properly...
"So the result of the investigation was that my client, Mr. Smith, was found not guilty?"
"No, he..." I try to explain, as the lawyer interrupts once more...
"I'm confused, so he was found guilty?" The man looks truly confused...
"No, they couldn't prove that he had done what I alleged but..."
"Which means he was found not-guilty!" he says looking to the jury as one might when begging the patience and indulgence of someone, whilst dealing with a particularly willful child, or a confused older person...
His tone is even, there isn't hint of nastiness, in the almost, gently asked questions...like he is just trying to understand...
"You were angry that he wasn't punished for these perceived wrongdoings, weren't you?" he says holding up his copy of the investigation report...
"I was upset that he had hurt me, and it wasn't treated as seriously as I felt it should have been..."
In the moment, I forget Barba's advice to reiterate the crimes committed by Mr. Smith as part of my answer, never allowing the lawyer to distance his client from the charges...instead I sound defensive...
"So you wanted to do things better this time?" he fires back immediately...
"I don't understand?" I mutter looking to Barba, desperately...
"Your Honor!" he exclaims, jumping to his feet, as the judge fixes Buchanan with an impatient stare...
"Withdrawn, your Honor!" Buchanan announces loudly, before Barba can finish his objection...
"So, can we agree there was unpleasant history between you and my client?" He continues, once again, in his soft, even voice...
I nod carefully...I have seen a flash of this lawyers fangs, in his sharp insinuation that I was after revenge...
"Your Honor, can you remind the witness we need verbal answers?"
"Sorry! Yes I would agree that there was unpleasant history between Mr. Smith and myself..." I fire back before the judge can say anything...
"So why would my client wish to open himself up to any more trouble with you?"
I shrug my shoulders lightly, "I don't know!"
"Hmmmm...but yet we are to believe that after years...he chooses to assault you?"
Once again, the look on the lawyer's face is one of befuddlement...
"He didn't work in the industry for years..." I try to explain, not seeing the trap he had set for me...
"So you caused him to lose his livelihood, through your previous allegations...and yet we are to believe, he was unwise enough to approach you again..."
Barba is on his feet again, "Your Honor, is there a question there, or is Counsel planning on testifying?"
"Move it along Counselor!" the judge warns Buchanan...
"The question is; did you not, in fact, corner my client in that storage room? Did you not threaten to make untrue allegations again, if he didn't agree to rekindle the relationship, that when he broke it off all those years ago, caused you to make the initial allegations?"
I knew it was coming...but yet it feels like an actual, physical, punch to my gut...
"There was never a relationship..." I whine weakly...
"Really? So you didn't make those very weak, and yet still unproven, allegations detailed in that report, out of spite, when my client realized his mistake in embarking on an affair with you?"
"No" I counter but there isn't enough passion behind it, as I sit, punch drunk already, clasping onto the front of the stand...
"But you don't like to lose, and you hated to see him back, trying to work at what he loves...and when you couldn't turn everyone against him, you cornered him, and left him in a no-win situation, either he has rough sex with you, as you demand, or you ruin his life again?"
"No, it's not what happened..." I plead feebly...looking to the jury who are studying the man sitting at the defense table...
"You coerced him into rough sex?"
"No" I whisper again, tears flowing openly down my cheeks...
Somehow I had always pictured the lawyer asking these questions, as a shouting, raging, individual...not the calm, collected, soft spoken, lawyer before me. He asks the questions as though they are real and valid queries...and the way he maintains his distance from the stand, not crowding me, even stepping back when I lean away from him, makes him seem courteous...considerate of me, even as he tries to cast doubt on ever aspect of my personality, and the evidence I am giving...
"You coerced Mr. Smith into rough sex, as you had participated in before?"
He continues to fire, almost the same question at me, framed in slightly different ways, without ever giving me time to answer...
"But when that rough sex, you had initiated, was interrupted...you opted to accuse an innocent man, who just wanted to continue his job and his family life, of rape anyway?"
"No" I mutter, over and over, now quickly becoming hysterical...
"You were the one who initiated this sexual act! You left my client with no options; he either participated in rough sex as you demanded, or you ruin his life...again?"
"Your Honor! This has gone from a cross examination...he is badgering the witness, repeating 'asked and answered' questions!" Barba barks angrily.
"Mr. Buchanan, Mr. Barba is correct...this is inappropriate...the witness has answered your question!"
I'm now sobbing loudly, my head has dropped to my knees and I am beyond responding, when the Judge calls my name...
"Your Honor, may we have a few minutes...?" Barba asks quickly...
"A 20 minute recess, Mr. Barba! And Mr. Buchanan, you will modify your behavior when we return!" she announces banging her gavel quickly.
The bang leaves me cowering as far away from the defense and the judge as I can get...
Barba shoots a quick text to Olivia, as he makes his way up to me...immediately turning off the microphone on the stand...
"Lieutenant Benson will be here in a second! It's ok! He was over the line! It's going to be ok..."he tries to assure me as I continue to sob...
As promised, in only a matter of seconds, Olivia is standing beside him..."What happened?" she demands...
He explains quickly, and she drops to her knees at the side of the stand talking to me gently, until my breathing starts to normalize...
"I can't do it!" I finally admit..."...it's too much..."
"Yes, you can!" she counters softly..."He's not allowed to go after you like that...The Jury won't like that..."
"I lost it...All I could say was no!...there were no other words...everything we practiced was gone..." I know I've lost now, and I don't want to undergo any more torture...
But Barba grabs a pen and starts scribbling...
"I know you feel like it's lost...but it really isn't! I'm asking you to trust me? I know it's a lot to ask...but please, don't give in now!?" he asks as he finishes whatever he needed to write so urgently...
He looks to Olivia, who raises an eyebrow, but then nods gently at me, when the lawyer doesn't break eye contact...
"Nothing to regret...!" she reminds me softly...
They stay with me, until the last possible second, trying to calm me as much as possible...but as the judge returns to the bench, it would be kind to just call me 'skittish'...
"Are you feeling better?" the judge asks me softly...
"I'm sorry your Honor, it just got too much..." I explain weakly...
"I couldn't have put it any better myself!" she says turning to Mr. Buchanan, "I'm warning you Mr. Buchanan...I expect you to comport yourself properly in my courtroom or you will be held in contempt!"
"Sorry your Honor!" he says...with an appropriately sheepish look...
"Continue, Mr. Buchanan" she says with a final look of admonishment...
"I'm glad you're feeling better, can I get you some more water? Or tissues?" he asks...
I can only shake my head..."No thank you!" , I add softly, his mock concern almost more sickening, than his offensive tirade...
"So...you say my client shoved you against a wall...against your will?"
"Yes, he did..."
"Why didn't you scream then? When it could have been stopped, if it was something you didn't want?"
I try to sort through the answers in my head; because I was afraid he was only going to threaten me, because I couldn't believe he would really hurt me again, because I couldn't find my voice...
"Your Honor?" he asks the judge...seemingly not wanting to upset me once more...by pushing too hard...but I know it's all for the jury's benefit...
"I was afraid, and didn't want to believe it was possible, that he would hurt me again..."
"Or were you a willing participant in a risky sex act in your place of work? Where you were likely to be caught?"
"No! I couldn't believe it..." I try to insist...
He shakes his head in disbelief, picking up the notepad from his desk...
"But you say, 'you could feel his erection pressing into you'...'that he laughed at you when you sobbed' while he had you pushed against the wall...Surely by that point, to any reasonable adult, his intent would have been clear... Why didn't you scream out? Call out for help from your colleagues? Try to run?... if you didn't want what he was doing?"
He is using my own words against me, much as Barba had rehearsed with me, so I take a deep breath, trying to address each question...
"He was pressing me up against the wall, his arms were either side of my body, I couldn't get away...Just before he forced me to the ground I did start telling him 'no!', but he didn't listen..."
By skipping over this first question, the one I haven't figured out my answer to, it leaves the door open for him to pester me...
"Why didn't you call for your colleagues...? Scream?"
"I don't know...it was like my voice didn't work...at first I couldn't even say no!"
It sounds weak, my voice trembling, as I anticipate even more backlash from my stuttering answer...
"And I wasn't counting, but you said he hit your head off the wall or ground...at least ...4 times, is that fair...?"
"Yes..." I whisper after taking a second to count...even in my current state, I'm begin to realize that his propensity for leaving a subject hanging, is meant to allow the jury to make their own decision, leaving a gap for you fill yourself...to make him and therefore his client, seem more reasonable...
"And he is a lot taller and heavier than you?"
"Yes..." I say again...trying not to give him anything else he can use against me...
"If this weren't a sex game, if he really intended you harm, surely a man his size would injure you a lot more than a few bruised ribs, and a mild concussion?"
"There were a lot of cuts and bruises...the burns from the concrete rubbing..." I start to add but he cuts me off...
"All of which can be explained by exuberant sex...on a rough surface...As can the bruises on your neck...It would seem to me that a man as big as you point out he is, were he intent on hurting you, would have done a lot more damage than you seem to have experienced...would you not agree?"
"He did hurt me...and it didn't feel like he was holding back when he was doing it!"
This is an exchange it seems I am very quickly losing, judging by the expressions on some of the juror's faces...it feels that he is introducing reasonable doubt...Barba had prepared me, well, had tried to, that the defense would most likely just try to offer a different but plausible, alternative to my version of events...and it seems that the jury may very well find this alternative explanation very plausible...
"You also say he tried to hurt you when he pushed his penis inside you, and again, every time he subsequently thrust into you?"
The words he is using, are almost calculated to embarrass me, but I struggle not to flinch...
"I said he seemed to try to push into me, harder, every time...he wasn't gentle..."
"But you didn't want gentle, did you? You wanted a rough, hard, screw...from a big guy?"
"No!" I gasp, as I finally understand his unspoken inference...
"But again, there is only mild injury... also consistent with rough sex!"
"There was tearing inside me...I had cuts, bruising in my... vagina"
I force myself to be blunt, to leave no doubt...
"But there is no permanent injury...nothing more serious than rough sex with a 'big guy', might result in...not the type of injury it sounds like the rough attack you described to the court, might be expected to cause...?"
I have to close my eyes, the images assaulting me make me queasy...How is it possible that while rubbishing my claim of rape, he is managing to brag about his size?
"I hope none of you ever have sex, like what was done to me that day!" I say to the jury...trying to calm the anger brewing inside me...
The lawyer doesn't reply to my outburst, merely ignores it...moving on...
"Then you say, that whatever was happening between you and Mr. Smith, was interrupted by one of your colleagues...finally something you and my client can agree on...!"
"Your Honor!" Barba exclaims once more...
"Sorry your Honor, rephrase...You didn't call the police when your colleague interrupted?"
"No...John did...my colleague did!"
"If you had really just been assaulted, as you claim...given that you claim you hadn't been able to find your voice to cry for help...surely you would have been eager to call the police when you were safe? But you weren't were you? You tried to leave without calling them?"
The way he is saying the word 'claim' leaves little doubt as to how unbelievable he finds my version of events...
"I was in shock! And half naked...my clothes were torn...I felt exposed...I just wanted to get away before everyone saw me..."
"I don't think anyone doubts how embarrassing it would be to be caught in such a compromising position..." he looks to the jury with a barely disguised sneer, "...especially with someone who you had previously brought charges against...it would surely have taken some creative explaining...I'm sure exposed is the perfect word to describe the interruption!?"
"No! John interrupted my rape! He saw me fighting..."
"Your Honor, the witness cannot testify to what someone else supposedly saw!" Buchanan objects quickly...
"Please limit yourself, to what you, experienced, saw and heard please?" the judge tells me.
"I didn't want any contact whatsoever, with him!" I counter, still trying desperately, to plead my case...
"Your Honor, I asked no question..." he mutters...as he meanders over to his notes, checking through them for any missed points...allowing me to simmer...
"When this contact was interrupted, was my client pulled off you? Or knocked off you?"
I knew I had misspoken, and hope that this doesn't become a huge point of contention...
"John came running across the space, and tackled him... the collision knocked him off me..."
The lawyer seems to be thinking about this..."Well surely if he was knocked off you, as you describe, whilst you were engaging in sexual intercourse, it would not be implausible to acquire some bruising, even tearing, from the collision...Isn't it also possible that this is when you banged your head, resulting in the mild concussion...?"
"No!" I gasp loudly, "No! He banged my head off the floor and the wall, I didn't hit my head when John saved me...and I was in pain before John intervened...I was in pain from the moment his penis penetrated me...he was so rough..."
"No more questions for this witness your Honor!" he finally decides, after checking his notes once more, taking his seat and whispering to his client with a big smile on his face...he had offered the jury an alternate version of the events I had described, and had reduced me to hysterical mess and then goaded me into angry, careless answers...
"Redirect, Your Honor?" Barba jumps to his feet...
The judge nods her permission...as Barba gets to his feet, buttoning his jacket as he comes to stand beside the jury once more...
"When you were shocked by an unprovoked, and unwelcome, physical, attack from Mr. Smith, especially with your previous history, what was the first feeling you experienced?"
"Fear..." I answer, pretty quickly...it was the main feeling that can be found the whole way through this hellish experience...and it was the first thing I remember feeling...
"I don't believe any of us are at our most eloquent, when we are truly fearful. And when you did find your voice, through that fear, what was the word that best expressed what you were feeling?"
I'm not sure I understand where he is going with this question, but I do as he asked, I trust him, and try to allow my mind to go back there...tears springing forward again...as I can almost feel it happening...
My voice finally offers a croaky...'No!"
"Why 'no'?" He asks delicately...
I finally see where he is going; this is what he had been scribbling...
"Because there were no other words...I was saying no! 'No' to what he was doing, 'No' to him hurting me again..." I say with all the strength I can manage..
"Finally, were you embarrassed that your colleague found you in that situation? Bruises and cuts all over you, your ribs causing you pain, a concussion, and internal damage?"
I nod, "Yes...I felt exposed and weak..."
"It is something you have really struggled with since the attack, isn't it?"
I try not to feel betrayed at him divulging what feels like my last secret, and strain to trust him... "Yes"
"Why has this been such a struggle, even more than what everyone else thought... when your attack became public knowledge?"
"Because I couldn't save myself...I needed someone else to save me...and he had to see that..."
"So Mr. Smith used enough of his strength that you couldn't escape him. And when you broke through that very understandable shock, the attack caused you to experience, the only word you could find that explained how you felt was 'no'! You suffered a litany of injuries ranging from cuts and bruises, to friction burns, bruised ribs, and a concussion from fighting him, despite the considerable difference in height and weight, between you...and you were embarrassed to need someone to help you?"
"Yes" I repeat, tears blurring my vision...
"It sounds to me that the damage he did is much more extensive than we first thought...and I don't see how you could have fought any harder...but let's just put that aside for a moment, would you rather have avoided the embarrassment that came with being discovered in that situation, and let the situation play itself out to its natural conclusion?"
"God NO! Never..."
"Why not, what do you believe that conclusion would have been?"
"He would have hurt me more..."
"So maybe the injury list is lighter than some would expect, because he wasn't done with you...he was interrupted..." Barba looks at me carefully before shaking his head "...and thank god for that interruption..."
Buchanan jumps to his feet, "Your Honor, Counsel is editorializing!"
"Withdrawn!" Barba says quickly...heading back to his seat... "Thank you for your patience..." he says to both me and the jury... "No more questions, Your Honor!"
The judge dismisses me, but it seems to take an inordinate amount of time for me to make my way off the stand...Despite how reluctantly I had made my way here earlier, now I already feel the first pangs of regret; for things I didn't get to say...things I could have phrased much better...
The tears that don't seem to have stopped since I entered this room are not halted by my release...
Now, everything is once more, outside of my control... I was only a witness, and I've given my testimony...I have no more part to play...
I try not to, but can't seem to avoid his smiling face as I make my way out...his delight makes my loss seem once more, inevitable...
I attempt to get out of the courtroom without making eye contact with his wife, but again it seems like I'm drawn to her...she is simmering with rage...and I almost run to the large wooden doors as the court officer opens them for me...
A/N
MrsChilton: Thank you very much for the review. I really do believe that Liv would have done exactly that...because she knows how much the OC needed the support from John. And I do agree that Barba is only trying to protect the OC too, because he wants to get her some sort of justice.
I'm not sure the OC sees how far she has come, especially in how much she has come to trust John...
I hope Buchannan hasn't gone too far...?