Chapter 21: A Different Kind of Love

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I was inspired to write this chapter after watching on YouTube, where someone had set an ice dance by Gabriella Papadakis and Guillarme Cizeron to the song "Perfect" by Ed Sheeran. It's beautifully done and it made me cry to write the chapter while watching that performance and thinking of Victor looking back on the day that Victoria was conceived. So, warning, if you tear up at emotional stuff, bring tissues.

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Victor gently tucked Yuuri into the bed in the master bedroom of their hotel suite, then he kissed his recovering partner on the forehead and smiled down at him.

"Is there anything you need, solnyshko?" he asked, "Are you hungry? Thirsty?"

He gave Yuuri a cute smirk, then leaned him and whispered in his ear.

"Horny?"

"Victor!" Yuuri giggled, pushing him away playfully, "I just got out of the hospital."

"I was joking, of course," Victor said, ruffling his hair, "But really, is there anything at all I can do for you? I'm just so glad you're okay and that you're finally awake, Yuuri. It was a nightmare, lying there, wondering if you were going to be all right."

Yuuri melted a little at the genuine concern in his lover's bright, affectionate eyes.

"I'm sorry I worried you," he answered, taking his husband's hand in his.

"You shouldn't apologize to me," Victor said, giving him a guilty look, "It's my fault that you've been hurt, and that your Grand Prix Series ended. I know I've already said it, but I feel really bad about all of this, Yuuri. I am trying to handle things better…you know, without drinking…but, it isn't easy."

"I know it's not," Yuuri acknowledged, "and I know you're doing your best."

Victor stole a hopeful glance at him, then sat down on the other side of the bed.

"Does that mean that you'll let me sleep next to you now?" he asked tentatively.

Yuuri hesitated, then he couldn't help laughing as Victor nuzzled into his shoulder, pleading piteously.

"Yuuri, I can't take another night of sleeping without you. I'm used to curling up with you. I can't sleep with just pillows anymore. I get no rest. And that sofa is so uncomfortable! I stopped drinking, even though it made me dog sick to do it. Don't you think that maybe I've suffered enough? What more can I do?"

"You don't have to do any more," Yuuri laughed, hugging him, "I forgive you already."

"Oh god!" Victor sighed, sagging against him, "Thank you, Yuuri. Thank you."

"Stop it!" Yuuri laughed, "You don't have to do that, Victor."

"Well, I should do something," Victor insisted, "because when we were married, we said for better or for worse, but I've been giving you too much worse lately. I want to give you more better, so you tell me whatever it is that you want, and I will spoil you to within an inch of your life!"

"You don't have to spoil me," Yuuri giggled, "Just try not to drink and be good to Tora-chan and me and we'll call it even. You don't have to apologize anymore."

"Are you sure?" Victor asked, smirking, "If it was me, I would at least ask for something, you know. You could make me give you massages every day."

"You do that anyway."

"You could ask for sexual favors, Yuuri."

"Like you don't already give me enough of those!" Yuuri snickered.

"Well, you must want something," Victor persisted, "Just tell me one thing I can do, or maybe I will keep groveling at you all night."

"Oh my god," Yuuri laughed, "You're impossible! Fine. Fine, then if you want to do something," he said, taking Victor's smiling face in his hands, "Just…be who you are, Victor. That's all I really want."

Victor gave him a doubtful look.

"If that's what you want," he answered, pouting a little, "but I thought that me being myself is what got us into all of this mess to begin with."

"Yeah," Yuuri agreed, running his fingers through his husband's long, silvery bangs, "you're right about that. But even though some bad things have happened, there are some really good things too."

Victor's smile warmed.

"You mean Victoria?" he asked softly.

"Uh-huh," Yuuri affirmed, "Tora-chan is so beautiful. She has your beauty and she's smart and kind-hearted."

"She must have gotten that from her mother," Victor sighed, "And thank god the poor child isn't forgetful like me."

"She is reckless like you sometimes."

"Yes, poor child."

Victor bit his lip gently, studying Yuuri for a moment.

"What is it?" Yuuri asked, "What are you thinking about?"

Victor left the bed for a moment and walked to where his suitcase was in the closet. He opened it and removed a DVD that he loaded into their player that was hooked up to the television. An image of Victor's nineteen-year-old self, appeared on the screen, dressed in a lovely blue and silver costume Yuuri couldn't ever recall ever seeing before. Victor froze the picture with him waiting in a preparatory stance in a white spotlight on the ice.

"There's…something I want to show you," he explained, turning back to face Yuuri.

He walked to the bed and sat down at Yuuri's side.

"I haven't shown it to Tora. I…don't know what would be the right time."

Yuuri's eyes widened in reaction.

"I brought it on the trip with me, because I was trying to figure out the way to tell you and Tora that I had it. Tora's only lost her mother recently, and I didn't know if it would be good to show it to her, or if it would just upset her, you know."

Yuuri looked back at his husband silently, marveling at the presence of threatening tears in the corners of his eyes.

"Yuuri, I know that what I did back then was impulsive, and maybe it was wrong too. I was a different person. I was lonely because of the life I'd chosen. It was like…everyone was always looking at me, loving me, worshipping me. But not one of those people who did that…really seemed to see me. And the day of that exhibition? The day this was made? The day that Tora was made? It was that day that I felt like, just for a moment, someone looked past the costumes, the music, the dramatic poses and jumps and spins, and she saw me. And, not only did Sage see me, she accepted me the way I was…exactly as I was."

He paused for a moment, studying Yuuri's reaction carefully.

"Does it bother you to hear?" he asked tentatively.

Yuuri gave him a look of quiet approval.

"It's really fine," he assured his anxious partner, "You had a life before me, and I don't think you should have to apologize for that. And you shouldn't have to hide it or not talk about it. I can tell that this is important for you to be able to share this with me, so it's okay. Actually, I really want to see."

He paused, laughing half to himself.

"I used to pride myself on having every one of Victor's performances to look at, and to learn from," Yuuri added, "When you mentioned being in an exhibition with Sage, I realized that I didn't have that performance."

"It was a private function, so there wasn't television coverage. I only have it because I have every performance recorded by an assistant, mostly so I can replay it and criticize myself to death, so I do better and different things the next time. Anyway, I had this recorded at the venue, and I gave a copy to Tora's mother. Hers was with the few possessions Tora arrived with. This is Sage's copy. Can I show this to you, Yuuri?" Victor asked, looking at him hopefully.

"Go ahead," Yuuri said, taking Victor's hand, "I'd love to see it."

Victor nodded and used his free hand to touch the play button.

A soft, romantic tune began to play, and almost magically, a younger version of the woman Yuuri remembered as "Coach Max" appeared from behind Victor, wearing a stunning, fluttering brilliant red dress. She took a stance with Victor, and the two waited a beat together before they turned, then Victor used his momentum to push the young woman out in front of him. He caught up to her, and the two moved in skated dance steps together.

"Ice dancing was something that I really enjoyed," Victor confessed, "and I will be honest that, with the exception of you, I have never met a person with such a gift for reading her partner. You can see it, can't you?"

Yuuri watched raptly as the two broke away from each other to perform side-by-side pirouettes.

"I do," he affirmed, "You don't look like two people who met that day. You look like you must have skated together before."

"That was Sage's gift as a skater," Victor recalled, "It's why she was chosen to be my partner. I was unsure about the whole thing. I was neither an ice dancer nor was I used to skating with a partner, but the person running the exhibition had his ideas about what he wanted, and I needed to get the exposure, so Yakov pressured me to do the performance. I wasn't thrilled, but when I met Sage that day, I was so surprised by her, that I really had fun."

"It shows," Yuuri said, smiling as the performance on the screen continued, "You two look amazing."

"Thank you," Victor said gratefully.

On the screen, Victor turned and used his weight to throw Sage into a lovely jump, then the two went into side-by-side spins, before returning to a dance pose.

"After the performance and the dinner that followed, Sage and I ended up dancing together. We started to talk, and I knew I had never met someone who could see people as well as she did. I mean…even though she went right along with drinking with me, dancing with me…even going to bed with me, her eyes were wide open. She never asked me for anything more than that day, Yuuri. I'm sure part of it was that we were both young. I was lonely because no one saw me…and she wanted to be away from her father, who seemed to hover over everything she did. So, we went to my room. We laughed and talked, and we drank more. We got pretty silly and then we started kissing. We didn't make any promises. It's like we knew that neither one of us would be able to keep them. I was a rising star in the skating world, and she had an overprotective and scary father she was rebelling against. For that night, we were perfect for each other."

Victor went silent for a moment, watching as, on the screen, he lifted one foot and extended it behind him, skating backward, and he extended a hand towards Sage, who held the same position, skating forward. He froze the picture with the two of them that way and looked quietly at Yuuri.

"I know what it looks like from the outside," he confessed softly, "It looks like I was just a stupid, horny kid who took advantage of a foreign girl, because he could. It looks like I got her pregnant, and then abandoned both of them."

"I know that's not what happened," Yuuri said firmly.

"But, it's probably what everyone thinks," Victor insisted, his eyes misting warningly, "So, I feel awkward about sharing this."

"You don't have to feel awkward sharing anything with me," Yuuri assured him, "I love you, Victor, so if it hurts you that someone you cared about died, you can tell me that!"

Tears welled up instantly in Victor's eyes and he buried his face in Yuuri's shoulder, crying silently. For several minutes, he couldn't say a word, and Yuuri held him tightly, rubbing his back and running gentle fingers through his hair. Victor gathered himself, sniffing softly.

"That means a lot to me," he whispered, when he could make his voice sound again, "I'm sure most people couldn't understand me reacting so strongly to someone I only knew for a day. They'll think I callously used her and that I never cared about her or about the baby we made. But, I swear I don't feel that way at all, Yuuri. And if Sage had told me sooner about Tora, while it wouldn't have changed me being with you or wanting to have a life with you, I promise you, I would have wanted to know Tora. I would have wanted to be a father to her, in whatever way that Sage and I could have figured out together. I wish that she had been able to tell me, because it must have been such a burden to be alone and dealing with all of that. I admire Sage's strength so much!"

He sighed raggedly and lifted himself, wiping his eyes with the back of one hand.

"I don't know. Maybe she doubted my strength…and she wouldn't have been wrong to do that. I'm a disaster of a father."

Tears flooded his eyes again and he collapsed on Yuuri's shoulder.

"I have no idea what I'm doing, and I'm scared to death that I'll fail her! I feel like I already have failed her, Yuuri."

"No, you haven't," Yuuri said reassuringly, "Victor, form the moment that little girl walked into the house, you've done your best, and you've been a really good, loving father!"

"I…wasn't even there when she arrived! I was off doing publicity. I came back and…you had already started to act like a parent to her. You were so good with her. I was glad you were there, because I felt so inadequate. And then, I read that letter in front of her and made her angry at you for something that wasn't your fault. I left her with you, knowing that she was still angry, and she got you arrested!"

"Yeah, but…"

"You got beat up because I didn't think that she might disobey you like that."

"How would you have known?"

"I knew not to drink, but when the stress got bad, I did it anyway. I am the reason you were shot, Yuuri. We both know it's because I got stressed out, I acted out, and you were the responsible one. You were the better parent…and you were the one who took a goddamned bullet to save her! It's so ironic to me. There's no way I deserve to be anyone's father. But…Tora is…right there. She is the spitting image of me as a child, and her future is in my very incapable hands now."

"Stop it!" Yuuri scolded him, taking Victor's face in his hands and glaring at him, "You're not a bad father. You're allowed to be human, to get stressed and not be perfect. That's why we have each other. You can depend on me."

"I know that," Victor said, sniffing, "and I promise that, from now on, I'll be a better partner, and a better father for her."

He looked back at the television, fighting off a fresh bout of tears.

"Sage did such a wonderful job of raising her to be a good, strong person. I want to respect that. I want her to have a future that would make her mother proud of all of us."

"Daddy?" said Tora's voice from where she stood, peeking in through the doorway.

Victor stiffened and swore softly in Russian. He kept his face turned away as he answered.

"What have I told you about eavesdropping?" he asked sternly.

"I wasn't eavesdropping!" Tora argued, "I…I heard you and it sounded like you were crying. I was scared."

"Sorry," Victor apologized, still looking away, "I shouldn't have snapped at you, but…"

"Is that…Mommy?" Tora asked, staring at the frozen image on the TV, "Mommy and you?"

Victor rubbed his eyes and turned to look back at her.

"Yes."

Tora's eyes rounded.

"It's your ice dance?" she asked wonderingly.

Victor nodded silently, watching as Tora moved close to the TV and traced Sage's smiling face with her fingertip.

"Can I watch it with you?"

Victor closed his eyes and let out a shaky breath.

"I…you can watch it, if you want, but…I don't know…"

"Are you worried you'll start crying again?" the little girl asked.

Victor gave Yuuri a helpless look and his partner gave him a firm nod.

"It's okay if you do," Tora told him, "I probably will too."

Reassured, Victor reset the DVD, then he and Yuuri sat on either side of Tora, on the end of the bed, and the three watched the performance together.

It's strange, Victor thought as he watched the ice dance with his daughter beside him, With Yuuri and with Tora, I don't feel anymore like I'll be misunderstood. I won't be looked at as someone who just took advantage of Sage and left her to deal with everything. They know the truth, and really, that's what's most important to me. If the rest of the world misunderstands, I know they don't.

They know that for just that one perfect day, a long time ago, I love Sage Maxfield, and now?

Tora is the living, breathing expression of that love.

Thank you, Sage.