"Do It Again"
All titles are songs from the seventies. This song is by Steely Dan.
I own nothing. I'm just trying to fix the disaster that was Season 8. This would be episode 8-14.
Thanks for your reviews. You guys are so awesome!
ACT 1
SCENE 1
INT. FORMAN DINING ROOM, EVENING. RED, KITTY, HYDE, JACKIE, LAURIE AND FEZ ARE ALL SITTING DOWN AND HAVING DINNER. JACKIE IS LOADING SCOOP AFTER SCOOP OF POTATOES ON HER PLATE WHILE EVERYONE WATCHES HER. HYDE HAS A VERY AMUSED LOOK ON HIS FACE.
JACKIE:
Mrs. Forman, these potatoes are so good.
HYDE:
(with a wicked grin) You know, Jackie ...
RED:
(under his breath, to Hyde) Don't do it.
KITTY:
The weather man said we're going to get ten inches of snow tomorrow.
FEZ:
(with an angry frown) Every year, as I am enjoying our beautiful Wisconsin summers I forget that your white man's winter is just around the corner waiting for me. Waiting to pounce on me and freeze my little men.
RED:
Steven, did you go buy that snow blower like I told you too?
HYDE:
Yep.
JACKIE:
(putting a hand on Hyde's arm) I can't believe we own a snow blower, God, we are so grown-up.
HYDE:
(grinning sarcastically) Yeah, the fact we're having twins adds nothing to our maturity level. But a snow blower, now that says responsible adult.
KITTY:
(starts clapping excitedly) Oh, twins!
RED:
(slightly irritated) Kitty, do you have to do that every time someone mentions the word twins?
HYDE:
Hey, every time I hear someone mention the word twins I blackout for a few seconds.
RED:
Laurie, how about you and the morons, are you all set for the storm?
LAURIE:
(she shrugs) I guess. I mean we've got plenty of beer and lots of frozen pizzas so we should be ok.
FEZ:
(smiling at Laurie) She thinks of everything.
KITTY:
Well this is just so lovely, the whole family sitting down for dinner.
RED:
(frowning at Kitty) You're not going to cry, are you? Because crying really puts a damper on dinner.
HYDE:
(grinning as he watches Jackie add more food to her plate)So does running out of food.
JACKIE CALMLY TURNS TO HYDE AND GIVES HIM A NASTY GLARE.
JACKIE:
Steven, I'm eating for not one, not two, but three people. How many people are you eating for?
HYDE:
(nervously) One?
JACKIE:
Exactly, so shut it!
RED:
(smiling at Hyde) You just couldn't let it go, could you?
HYDE SHRUGS AND GOES BACK TO HIS FOOD. ERIC COMES INTO THE DINING ROOM FROM THE KITCHEN. HE LOOKS AROUND AT EVERYONE EATING.
ERIC:
Explain to me again why I have to eat in the kitchen?
RED:
(to Eric) Steven got married and moved out. Laurie got married and moved out. When you get married and move out, you can eat in the dining room.
THE KIDS ALL GET A GOOD LAUGH AT ERIC'S EXPENSE AND HE SHUFFLES BACK INTO THE KITCHEN.
END SCENE
CUT TO BUMPER
ACT 1
SCENE 2
INT. A BAR, THE SAME TIME. DONNA AND KELSO ARE PLAYING POOL AND HAVING SOME BEERS. "BACK IN THE SADDLE" BY AEROSMITH PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND.
KELSO:
(laughing to himself) Man, I can't believe Hyde is having twins.
DONNA:
Kelso, we found out a week ago, will you get over it already.
KELSO:
Donna, this is like the sweetest burn of all time. You don't just "get over it", you cherish it. It's almost as good a burn as Eric not showing up for your wedding.
DONNA:
(angrily waves her pool cue at him) Are you sure you wanna piss me off while I'm holding a large stick? And, for the record, Eric didn't bail on our wedding to burn me. He did it because he didn't want us to regret it later on in life.
KELSO:
(smiling) Whatever, it was still a sweet burn Donna.
DONNA WHACKS HIM ON THE ARM WITH HER POOL CUE.
KELSO:
OW! Ok, nobody's ever gonna marry you if you keep hitting!
DONNA:
Yeah well, nobody's ever gonna wanna do it with you if I whack you in your pretty-boy face so shut the hell up!
KELSO:
(nods) Good point, I'm done talking now.
THEY GO BACK TO PLAYING POOL IN SILENCE. A FEW SECOND PASS AND DONNA WHACKS KELSO ON THE ARM AGAIN.
KELSO:
(yells spastically) OW! DAMN, DONNA! I was being quiet, why did you hit me?
DONNA:
Because I'm a little pissed at Eric and he's not here and you are.
KELSO:
(looks really mad, but then he pauses like he's thinking and shrugs) Fair enough.
THEY GO BACK TO PLAYING POOL.
END SCENE
CUT TO BUMPER
ACT 1
SCENE 3
INT. FORMAN BASEMENT. ERIC IS SITTING IN THE LAWN CHAIR PLAYING SOLITAIRE AND LISTENING TO, "THE LOGICAL SONG" BY SUPERTRAMP. LAURIE, FEZ, HYDE AND JACKIE WALK DOWN THE STAIRS. LAURIE SMILES EVILLY AS SOON AS SHE SEES ERIC PLAYING CARDS BY HIMSELF.
LAURIE:
How was the kitchen, loser?
ERIC:
It was lovely, thank you.
HYDE TAKES HIS SEAT AND JACKIE SINKS DOWN ONTO THE COUCH WITH A LOT OF DIFFICULTY. LAURIE AND FEZ CUDDLE UP ON THE COUCH.
FEZ:
Oh, Eric, I feel sad for you, but happy for me. So really, I don't feel that sad for you.
ERIC:
(to Laurie) How is it that you can marry Fez and you're still the favorite? You two are like the weirdest, most perverted couple in the history of time. Watching you two together is like watching an episode of "Wild Kingdom" and not a cool episode where animals kill each other, but a gross episode where the animals mate in a jungle somewhere.
FEZ:
(confused) Wait, who did you burn there? Me or Laurie?
HYDE:
(to Fez) I think it was a little bit of both, buddy.
FEZ:
(smiles at Eric) Well then, bravo on the double burn.
JACKIE:
Eric, Fez and Laurie are like the dirty version of "Sleeping Beauty". See, when Laurie kissed Fez she woke him up from his life of hiding in closets and being a disgusting pervert. And Fez saved her from a fate worse then death - a life as a skeezy whore.
FEZ:
Jackie, that was beautiful.
ERIC:
(whining) That's not beautiful. Donna and I are beautiful. We're a classic love story, boy meets girl as a child, boy gets girl as a teenager, boy loses girl but gets girl back ...
HYDE:
(interrupting him) Boy proposes to girl and then ditches her at the altar.
JACKIE:
Yeah, that's not that great of a fairy tale, Eric. It's like a bad after-school special.
LAURIE:
(triumphantly) Just face it, Eric, I'm the favorite and you're, not.
ERIC:
You're only the favorite because you cast some sort of evil spell over mom and dad to make them love you more.
FEZ:
(smiling dreamily at Laurie) You cast a spell on me, (huskily) and made me your sex slave.
ERIC:
(pouting) And now that Hyde's having a baby he's passed me up to be the second favorite.
HYDE:
That's not true. (a beat) I've always been the second favorite.
JACKIE:
(talking into her stomach) Stop beating each other up in there. (she looks back at the gang) Sorry, they're really violent.
ERIC:
Of course they are, they're Hyde's kids.
LAURIE PUTS HER HAND ON JACKIE'S BELLY.
LAURIE:
Get them to move again, I wanna feel it.
JACKIE:
They kind of just move when they want to. I can't make them.
LAURIE:
(with a ditzy smile) Sure you can, (she leans down and talks into Jackie's stomach) hey babies, it's your Auntie Laurie, do it again.
A SECOND PASSES AND THEN LAURIE AND JACKIE BOTH SMILE.
JACKIE:
Wow, they did it.
LAURIE:
(she shrugs) I'm really good at making people do things.
FEZ:
(nods) That's true.
JACKIE:
(excitedly) Oh my God, so am I.
HYDE:
(points at Jackie) Also true.
FEZ:
Ok, now I want to feel it too. Hyde, may I put my hand on your wife's stomach?
ERIC:
Wow, now there's an interesting question.
HYDE:
Sure, buddy, knock yourself out. There's room for everybody.
FEZ SCOOTS CLOSER TO LAURIE AND JACKIE AND VERY AWKWARDLY PLACES HIS HAND ON JACKIE'S BELLY.
FEZ:
(leaning over to talk into Jackie's stomach) Hello Hyde and Jackie's babies, it is I, your Uncle Fez.
LAURIE:
Say "hi" to Uncle Fez, babies.
A FEW SECONDS PASS AND THEN FEZ JUMPS UP OFF OF THE COUCH.
FEZ:
(with a stunned expression) Oh my God, Jackie has something moving around in her stomach. That is fascinating. (a beat) And also a little terrifying, but mostly fascinating.
FEZ SITS BACK DOWN NEXT TO LAURIE AND PUTS HIS HAND BACK ON JACKIE'S STOMACH.
ERIC:
Well now I wanna feel it, too.
ERIC CROSSES OVER TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COUCH AND SITS ON THE ARM THEN HE PUTS HIS HAND ON JACKIE'S STOMACH. SO NOW JACKIE HAS LAURIE, FEZ AND ERIC'S HANDS ON HER BELLY. HYDE WATCHES IN AMUSEMENT FROM HIS CHAIR.
HYDE:
(sarcastically) Everybody comfy?
THEY ALL SIT, WAITING FOR THE BABIES TO KICK AND NOTHING HAPPENS.
ERIC:
Ok, how come they're not doing anything?
LAURIE:
(to Eric) Maybe they don't like you.
ERIC:
(to Laurie) Well maybe I don't like you!
JACKIE:
(yells at Eric and Laurie) Stop fighting, you're ruining the moment!
SUDDENLY EVERYONE LOOKS DOWN TO JACKIE'S BELLY, THE BABIES HAVE KICKED AGAIN.
ERIC:
Huh, so Jackie gets mad and the babies kick. Interesting.
HYDE:
And fitting, considering when Jackie gets mad she kicks.
JACKIE SMILES AND EVERYBODY TURNS THEIR ATTENTION BACK TO HER STOMACH.
END SCENE
CUT TO BUMPER
ACT 1
SCENE 4
INT JACKIE AND HYDE'S HOUSE, LATER THAT NIGHT. THEY ARE ON THE COUCH WATCHING TV. THEY BOTH HAVE THEIR FEET UP ON THE COFFEE TABLE. JACKIE HAS HER HEAD ON HYDE'S SHOULDER AND SHE HAS A BAG OF CHIPS ON HER BABY BUMP THAT HYDE IS EATING OUT OF. DONNA ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR.
DONNA:
Hey guys.
JACKIE:
Donna, you really should knock. What if we had been fooling around.
DONNA:
Then you should lock the door.
HYDE:
(with a sexy smirk) Yeah, but then there wouldn't be the added element of the possibility that someone could walk in on us.
JACKIE:
(smiles and nods) He's right, that's hot.
DONNA SITS DOWN ON THE COUCH ON THE OTHER SIDE OF JACKIE. SHE NOTICES THE CHIPS ON JACKIE'S BELLY.
DONNA:
Jackie ...
JACKIE:
What?
DONNA:
There's a bag of potato chips on your stomach.
JACKIE:
So?
DONNA:
So, (she points to Hyde) you're letting him use you as a coffee table.
JACKIE:
I told him he couldn't put his beer on me. What more do you want from me, Donna?
DONNA:
(rolling her eyes) Whatever. How was dinner?
HYDE:
Food was good. (he grins) The burn on Forman was better.
DONNA:
What burn?
HYDE:
The one where Red wouldn't let him eat with us because he's an unmarried freeloader.
DONNA:
Huh, just think if Eric had only showed up for our wedding he could eat at the grown-ups table.
HYDE:
Yep. (he laughs evilly)
DONNA:
(getting pissed) You know, you're the second dill hole tonight who thought that was funny. I'm gonna kick your ass.
HYDE:
(with a smirk and a mouthful of chips) Ok, but can we move away from Jackie before you do it.
JACKIE:
(with her hand on her chest, touched) Aww, thank you, baby.
HYDE GIVES JACKIE A CROOKED GRIN AND A NOD.
JACKIE:(cont'd)
And you, (she points at Donna) go easy on Steven. He's had a rough week. He just regained his power of speech three days ago.
HYDE:
Donna, are you freaking out about something? Cause if you are I can whip up a circle real quick, it's not a problem.
DONNA:
I'm not freaking out, it's just I happen to be a little sensitive to the fact that I was left at the altar. (to Jackie) I think you're finally rubbing off on me. You're a bad influence, Jackie.
JACKIE:
I am not. I'm a good influence. Just look at Steven. (she smiles, lovingly at Hyde)
DONNA:
(looking at Hyde) Jackie, he's eating potato chips off of your huge pregnant stomach.
JACKIE:
Well at least he's not in prison, which is where he was headed without me in his life.
HYDE:
I like it better here.
JACKIE:
(smiles at Hyde) Of course you do, because I'm here.
HYDE:
(with a grin) And my chips are here.
HYDE LEANS IN AND GIVES JACKIE A KISS. DONNA WATCHES THEM IN DISGUST.
DONNA:
You guys are insane, you know that right?
JACKIE:
Cheer up, Donna.
HYDE:
Yeah, have a chip.
DONNA RELUCTANTLY LAUGHS AND GRABS A CHIP OUT OF THE BAG. JACKIE LAYS HER HEAD BACK DOWN ON HYDE'S SHOULDER AND THEY ALL GO BACK TO WATCHING THE TV
END SCENE
CUT TO BUMPER
ACT 1
SCENE 5
INT. GROOVES, THE NEXT AFTERNOON. THERE ARE A COUPLE OF CUSTOMERS IN THE STORE AND THE SONG, "BABY'S A ROCK 'N' ROLLER" BY TOM PETTY PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND. FEZ IS SITTING ON A CHAIR IN THE LISTENING PIT READING A MAGAZINE. LAURIE AND JACKIE ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH, LAURIE IS HOLDING A MAGAZINE AND THEY'RE BOTH LOOKING AT IT. JACKIE HAS A PAIR OF HEADPHONES STRETCHED ACROSS HER STOMACH. HYDE IS WALKING AROUND THE STORE PICKING UP RECORDS. ERIC ENTERS THROUGH THE DOOR FROM THE FORCE. HE CRACKS A SMILE WHEN HE SEES JACKIE.
ERIC:
Jackie, why do you have headphones on your stomach?
JACKIE:
Steven says I have to play all these records for the babies.
ERIC PICKS UP THE STACK OF RECORDS AND FLIPS THROUGH THEM, HYDE MAKES HIS WAY OVER TO THE LISTENING PIT.
ERIC:
(reading the records) The Doors, Kiss, The Stones ...
HYDE:
(with a grin) Yeah, I'm trying to cancel out Jackie's bad-taste-in-music gene.
LAURIE:
(to Hyde) Too bad she can't cancel out your bad-hair gene.
FEZ:
(smiling at Hyde) Ahhhh burn.
ERIC:
(to Fez and Hyde) Hey, can I talk to you guys for a second?
FEZ:
Can I have a free magazine if I listen to you attentively?
ERIC:
Yeah fine, whatever.
FEZ:
(claps his hands) Good, then I am in.
FEZ GETS OUT OF HIS CHAIR AND HEADS OFF. HYDE GIVES JACKIE A QUICK KISS.
HYDE:
(to Jackie) Watch the store for me, baby.
FEZ AND HYDE FOLLOW ERIC INTO THE FORCE.
JACKIE:
(calling after Hyde) Don't hurry back.
HYDE:
(calls to Jackie over his shoulder) Oh hey, just in case your little Bee Gee lovin' brain is thinking about playing disco to my kids, don't bother. I hid all the crappy records.
HYDE GRINS AND JACKIE POUTS AS THE THREE GUYS EXIT INTO THE FORCE.
CUT TO LAURIE AND JACKIE ON THE COUCH.
JACKIE:
(quickly, to Laurie) Alright, we've got about 2 minutes to find those records.
LAURIE:
Five if they go into Eric's magazine room.
JACKIE NODS IN AGREEMENT AS LAURIE STANDS UP.
CUT TO INT. THE FORCE. THE SONG, "CRUEL TO BE KIND" BY NICK LOWE PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND. THE GUYS ARE GATHERED AROUND ERIC'S REGISTER. THERE ARE A FEW CUSTOMERS WANDERING AROUND THE STORE.
HYDE:
Alright, Forman, make it quick cause if we leave Jackie and Laurie alone in there too long one of them's gonna find an ABBA album.
ERIC:
(leaning into the guys) You guys have to swear to me that you won't tell Jackie and Laurie.
FEZ:
(shaking his head) No can do, my friend.
HYDE:
He's right, I can't keep secrets from Jackie.
ERIC:
(he points to Fez) I'll give you free magazines for a year, (he points to Hyde) and I'll give you a very large brown paper bag.
FEZ:
(with a big smile) My lips are sealed.
HYDE:
You just bought yourself some silence, Forman.
ERIC:
(pauses and takes a deep breath) I'm gonna propose to Donna.
HYDE:
(raising an eyebrow) Again?
ERIC:
Yes, again.
FEZ:
(excitedly) I say go for it. Hop on board the Love Train with us my friend.
HYDE:
(very sarcastically) Forman, just cause all the cool kids are doin' it doesn't mean you have to get married. Don't give into the peer pressure, man.
ERIC:
(ignoring Hyde) See, I was watching you guys last night in the dining room and I thought, 'that's it, that's what I want'.
HYDE:
So, lemme get this straight. You wanna propose to Donna, again, so you can eat in the dining room? I gotta tell you, Forman, the dining room's not that great. Personally, I prefer the kitchen.
ERIC:
That's not why I wanna propose to Donna. (he pauses, thinking) Although it would be nice to not have to eat alone in the kitchen. I wanna propose to her because I love her and I wanna spend the rest of my life with her.
FEZ:
Oh Eric, that is so beautiful.
HYDE:
(with a mocking smile) Yeah, Forman. Real nice.
ERIC:
(getting irritated) Man, what the hell? I thought you guys would understand.
HYDE:
Forman, you weren't here to see Donna after you didn't show up for the wedding. She was really hurt, man.
FEZ:
(nodding in agreement) And violent. She pushed Hyde off the water tower, and he is very strong so you can only imagine how angry Donna must have been.
HYDE:
(suddenly, very sincere) I'm telling you, man - if you do this again, if you propose to her and you bail (he pauses) you won't get Donna back this time.
ERIC:
Hyde, you don't have to remind me what I did ok. I think about it every day. But this time it's different.
HYDE:
Forman, don't do this if you're not sure.
ERIC:
(angrily) Oh screw you, Hyde, what you're some kind of expert on relationships now? (to Fez) Or you, you only married Laurie to stay in the country. Why am I even wasting my time talking to you guys?
HYDE:
(sarcastically) I'm sure Kelso's available, you could go talk to him.
FEZ:
Eric, we are just trying to help. Because we love you and ... oh Eric, please do not be mad at me.
FEZ STARTS TO TEAR UP AND HE GRABS ERIC AND HUGS HIM VERY TIGHTLY.
ERIC:
(his voice cracking) Get off me, man!
ERIC PUSHES FEZ OFF OF HIM AND STARES, ANGRILY, AT HYDE. HYDE FINALLY BREAKS THE STARE-DOWN AND HEADS BACK TOWARDS GROOVES.
HYDE:
Whatever, man. I've gotta get Jackie home.
HYDE EXITS LEAVING BEHIND A VERY ANGRY ERIC AND A VERY NERVOUS LOOKING FEZ. THEY STAND IN UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE, FEZ LOOKS LIKE HE'S DESPERATELY TRYING TO THINK OF SOMETHING TO SAY.
FEZ:
(smiling, nervously at Eric) So, it will be wonderful to have you and Donna join us in the dining room.
ERIC SLOWLY LOOKS AT FEZ WHO JUST SHRUGS HIS SHOULDERS.
END SCENE
CUT TO BUMPER
ACT 1
SCENE 6
INT. FORMAN KITCHEN, THAT EVENING. JACKIE AND JOANNE ARE AT THE KITCHEN TABLE HAVING SOME BROWNIES AND COFFEE. KITTY IS STANDING AT THE SLIDING DOOR LOOKING OUT IT. WE CAN SEE THE SNOW FALLING THROUGH THE GLASS AND THE HUM OF A SNOW BLOWER CAN BE HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND.
KITTY:
It is really coming down hard out there.
JACKIE:
I hope Steven doesn't freeze. He refuses to wear a hat, because he says he'll look stupid.
KITTY:
(staring at Hyde through the window) I'll tell you what looks stupid, the fact that he's wearing sunglasses during a blizzard.
JACKIE:
(rolling her eyes) Yeah, he said if he was gonna freeze to death, he wanted to at least look cool doing it.
KITTY:
Oh don't worry, those three have had so much brandy they're probably warmer than we are.
JOANNE:
(with a sarcastic smile) Typical men, load up on the booze and then operate dangerous machinery.
JACKIE:
(talking into her stomach) Ok, whoever is sitting on my bladder needs to move because it is getting really hard for me to keep walking upstairs to go to the bathroom.
KITTY:
(clapping excitedly) Oh my goodness, are they moving?
KITTY SITS DOWN ON THE OTHER SIDE OF JACKIE AND PUTS HER HAND ON JACKIE'S STOMACH. OUTSIDE, THE NOISE FROM THE SNOW BLOWER STOPS.
KITTY:
(staring with shock at Jackie's stomach) It's like World War III in there.
JOANNE PUTS HER HAND ON JACKIE'S STOMACH.
JOANNE:
(smiling proudly at Jackie) You know, you must be one tough little gal, because these kids are kicking the crap out of you.
JACKIE:
(frowning) I know. I don't think they like each other. Which totally does not fit into my plans. I mean, how can I dress them alike if they hate each other?
RED, HYDE AND BOB ENTER FROM THE SLIDING GLASS DOOR. THEY ARE COVERED IN SNOW. RED LOOKS AT KITTY AND JOANNE WITH THEIR HANDS ON JACKIE'S STOMACH AND SCOWLS.
RED:
Oh crap, she's not going into labor is she? Because I am not going back out there. (he points outside and takes his hat off)
KITTY:
Don't be ridiculous, we're just feeling the babies move.
JOANNE:
Well, not so much move as wrestle.
HYDE:
(grinning) Yeah, they want outta there bad.
HYDE LEANS DOWN OVER JACKIE AND SHAKES OFF THE SNOW FROM HIS HEAD, SHE PLAYFULLY SWATS HIM.
RED:
(points at Jackie) You tell them they're staying put until the snow stops. (points at Hyde) And you, quit makin' a mess.
BOB:
(taking off his hat) I remember when Midge was pregnant with Donna, she was a kicker,(a beat) and a puncher.
JACKIE:
(to Bob) She still is.
KITTY:
(with a small smile) Eric hardly moved around at all.
RED:
Yep, some things never change.
RED CROSSES TO THE FRIDGE TO GRAB SOME BEERS. DONNA ENTERS THROUGH THE SLIDING DOOR, SHE BRUSHES SOME SNOW OFF OF HER. SHE LOOKS A LITTLE FRANTIC.
DONNA:
Ok, has anybody heard from Eric? He was supposed to pick me up two hours ago and he still hasn't shown up.
BOB:
Well, we all know Eric's fondness for not showing up at stuff.
RED:
(handing out beers to the guys) Bob's right. He's probably still at work playing with his little toys in the snow.
DONNA:
(nervously) No I called the store, no one answered.
KITTY:
(looking very worried) Steven, didn't he leave with you?
HYDE LOOKS A LITTLE GUILTY AND DOESN'T SAY ANYTHING SO JACKIE INTERRUPTS.
JACKIE:
I made Steven leave early so we wouldn't get caught in the storm. Eric was still there when we left.
KITTY:
Oh my gosh, what if something's happened to him. I didn't knit him any mittens this year. (starting to go a little nuts) His hands will freeze.
DONNA:
He's probably stuck in a huge snow drift somewhere burning his "Star Wars" dolls to stay warm.
KITTY STAND UP AND CROSSES TO RED.
KITTY:
Red, what are we going to do?
JACKIE:
Somebody should call Michael, he's on duty tonight.
BOB:
I'll do it.
BOB HEADS TO THE PHONE EVERYBODY LOOKS AT EACH OTHER, A LITTLE UNSURE WHAT TO DO NEXT. FINALLY, RED PUTS HIS HAT BACK ON.
RED:
Dammit, let's go.
HYDE:
(to Red) I'll go with you.
RED:
(giving Kitty a small smile) Don't worry, Kitty, we'll find him. (he scowls) And then I'll make him shovel off the roof for worrying his mother.
RED GIVES KITTY A QUICK KISS AND HEADS OUTSIDE. JACKIE STANDS UP AND GRABS HYDE'S HAND.
JACKIE:
(urgently) Steven, promise me something.
HYDE:
What?
JACKIE:
If you drive you'll take your sunglasses off.(she frowns) I don't want you dying in a fiery crash because you wanted to look cool.
HYDE SMIRKS AND TAKES HIS SUNGLASSES OFF, THEN HE GIVES JACKIE A KISS ON THE MOUTH AND HEADS OUT.
BOB:
(hanging up the phone) Kelso's gonna meet us at Eric's store but I don't know how much help he'll be.
KITTY:
(to Bob) Why?
BOB:
He wants to know if we can go sledding first and then look for Eric.
BOB EXITS LEAVING ALL THE WOMEN BEHIND IN THE KITCHEN.
END SCENE
CUT TO COMMERCIAL
ACT 2
SCENE 1
INT. A BAR, LATER THAT EVENING. RED, BOB, HYDE AND KELSO, IN HIS UNIFORM ENTER THE BAR. THEY ARE COVERED IN SNOW AND THEY LOOK MISERABLE. THEY TRY TO SHAKE SOME OF THE SNOW OFF OF THEMSELVES. THE SONG, "RIDIN' THE STORM OUT" BY REO SPEEDWAGON PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND. THERE IS ONE BARTENDER AND A FEW CUSTOMERS IN THE BAR.
RED:
(very irritated) I never realized how many damn ditches this town has.
HYDE:
(rubbing his hand together to get warm) Yep, culture - no, excitement - none, but ditches - we've got.
KELSO:
(heading to a phone) I'm gonna call the station, maybe we'll get lucky and someone will have found Eric's body somewhere.
HYDE:
Kelso, what the hell man?
HYDE GIVES KELSO A NASTY LOOK, BUT KELSO DOESN'T QUITE GET IT.
KELSO:
Well we better find it soon or we won't find him til the snow melts in April.
KELSO WALKS AWAY.
BOB:
(starting to get weepy) Aw geez.
RED:
Bob, I really can't take the tears tonight.
BOB:
(in a strained voice) I don't think I'll be able to stop 'em, Red.
RED:
(very cranky) Bob, don't be an ass. Nothing's happened to Eric. I'm not that lucky. He's probably waiting out the storm in some diner some where.
HYDE:
(staring off in the distance) Or at a bar.
RED:
Exactly, he's probably at some bar somewhere.
HYDE:
(still staring) Or, at this bar.
HYDE POINTS TO THE BAR AND ALL THE GUYS TURN AND SEE ERIC SITTING ON A BAR STOOL.
RED:
(pissed) Now I'm glad my foot is frozen, Cause then it'll really hurt when I shove it up his ass!
THE THREE GUYS WALK UP TO THE BAR AND STAND BEHIND ERIC, WHO APPEARS TO BE A LITTLE DRUNK AND DOESN'T NOTICE THE GUYS BEHIND HIM.
ERIC:
(to the bartender) I mean, I know for sure this time, man. This is what I want.
BARTENDER:
(irritated with Eric) Yeah, you said that already. Look pal, I've gotta wait on these guys.
THE BARTENDER POINTS BEHIND HIM AND ERIC TURNS TO LOOK. HYDE, RED AND BOB STAND WITH THEIR ARMS CROSSED, GLARING AT ERIC. ERIC TURNS BACK TO THE BARTENDER.
ERIC:
Oh I can tell you what they'll have, (a beat) my ass - straight up.
KELSO WALKS OVER.
KELSO:
(extremely irritated) Oh great, he's alive. Now can we go sledding?
ERIC JUST LAYS HIS HEAD DOWN ON THE BAR.
END SCENE
CUT TO BUMPER
ACT 2
SCENE 2
INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM, A SHORT WHILE LATER. JACKIE IS SITTING ON THE COUCH, NERVOUSLY RUBBING HER BELLY AND DONNA IS PACING BEHIND HER.
DONNA:
If Eric's out there in the cold he's done for. He's so skinny he'll freeze to death in like five minutes.
JACKIE:
(pouting) If something happens to Steven while he's out there looking for your scrawny boyfriend, I'll kill Eric. And it won't be peaceful like freezing to death would be, I'll make it hurt.
DONNA:
(sits down next to Jackie) Jackie, there's something really important I have to tell Eric.
JACKIE:
Donna, breaking up with the guy while he's out in a blizzard is really rude.
DONNA:
Jackie, I don't wanna break up with him.(she pauses) I wanna marry him.
JACKIE:
(putting her hand over her mouth) Oh my God, that's so romantic. (starting to get excited) Even if Eric has been in some horrible crash and he's blind you can still love him and nurture him back to health. It'll be just like "Ice Castles" Only you have to make sure he doesn't feel like you're marrying him out of pity. (frowns at Donna) You know, you really should've talked to Eric about this before he went blind.
DONNA:
(getting very annoyed with Jackie) He's not blind Jackie. And how am I supposed to talk to Eric about this without him flipping out? I mean he left me at the altar, I think that's a pretty good indicator that he's not ready for marriage.
JACKIE:
(nodding sadly) Yeah and don't forget about the whole promise ring fiasco.
DONNA:
Ok, not helping!
JACKIE:
Sorry. Alright look, (she pats Donna on the leg) you have to let Eric think that marriage is the furthest thing from your mind and that you think your relationship is perfect.
DONNA:
I do think our relationship is perfect. That's why I wanna make a life-long commitment to it.
JACKIE:
(rolling her eyes) Fine, whatever, I'm just saying, the instant Eric feels like the pressure to propose is off, he'll propose. (she grins) That's how I got Steven to propose to me, I backed up and gave him some space.
DONNA:
Jackie, that's such a lie. You were constantly badgering Hyde to propose to you.
JACKIE:
(with a shrug) Yeah, but you can't go that route because you're not as cute as I am.
DONNA:
This is nuts. I am not taking advice from you.
JACKIE:
(with a bratty smile) You're right. I'm only sitting here married and pregnant what do I know about this kind of stuff? Plus you might not even need my advice, Eric may be lying in a snowbank somewhere.
THE KITCHEN DOOR OPENS AND BOTH GIRLS TURN TO LOOK AS RED ENTERS HOLDING A VERY GUILTY LOOKING ERIC BY THE SCRUFF OF THE NECK.
RED:
Nope. Not a snowbank. A bar.
JACKIE:
(turns back to Donna) Ok, I'm changing my advice, Donna. Kick his ass.
ERIC SMILES WEAKLY AND DONNA LOOKS LIKE SHE MIGHT KILL HIM.
END SCENE
CUT TO BUMPER
ACT 2
SCENE 4
EXT HYDE AND JACKIE'S DRIVEWAY, THE NEXT DAY. THERE IS SNOW EVERYWHERE OUTSIDE. THE DRIVEWAY HAS BEEN CLEARED OFF AND A SNOW BLOWER SITS IN THE BACKGROUND. HYDE IS SHOVELING SAND FROM A BUCKET ONTO THE PAVEMENT WHEN ERIC WALKS UP.
HYDE:
(with a smirk) Hey, how was shoveling off the roof?
ERIC:
(sarcastically) Great, I could barely hear Donna screaming at me up there. (watching Hyde throw out the sand) Wow, you're taking this whole home owner thing pretty seriously.
HYDE:
(with a shrug) Yeah well, if Jackie slips on the driveway I could end up having to deliver my kids in a snowbank and that doesn't sound like a whole lot of fun.
ERIC CHUCKLES QUIETLY AND THEY BOTH SEEM UNSURE OF WHAT TO SAY NEXT.
ERIC:
(seriously) I thought about what you said. And you were right, I didn't have to see how hurt Donna was, and I know I'm the one who caused that. But it's not the same this time. I have no doubts, I know this is what I want.
HYDE:
(pauses and then grins) Then I think you should do it.
ERIC:
Really?
HYDE:
Hell yeah, marriage is great.
ERIC:
(pretending to clean out his ears) Wow, I think I must have frostbite in my ears because I could've sworn you just said marriage is great.
HYDE:
(with a wicked smile) Hey, since Jackie and I got married she hasn't once nagged me about proposing to her.
ERIC CHUCKLES AND THEN PAUSES AND SLOWLY PATS HYDE ON THE BACK.
ERIC:
Thanks Hyde.(getting excited) So how do you think I should do it? I was thinking I'd take her for a sleigh ride through the park ...
HYDE:
Forman?
ERIC:
Yeah?
HYDE:
(frowning) Don't make me beat you with my shovel.
ERIC NODS.
END SCENE
CUT TO BUMPER
ACT 2
SCENE 5
INT. FORMAN BASEMENT, THAT NIGHT. "MIND GAMES" BY JOHN LENNON PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND. ONCE AGAIN JACKIE IS ON THE COUCH SURROUNDED BY LAURIE, FEZ AND ERIC WHO ALL HAVE A HAND ON HER STOMACH. KELSO IS STANDING BY THE DEEP FREEZE AND HYDE IS IN HIS CHAIR.
KELSO:
(taunting Hyde) Hey Hyde, have you thought about the fact the you could have two daughters?
HYDE:
Hey Kelso, have you thought about this?
HYDE STANDS AND FROGGS KELSO, TWICE. KELSO YELPS OUT IN PAIN AND THEN RUBS HIS ARM.
KELSO:
(pouting) Man, what the hell? Why twice?
HYDE:
(sitting back down) I do everything in twos now.
FEZ:
(looking at Jackie's stomach) There they go again.
ERIC:
(in amazement) It's like Jackie's got Rocky and Apollo Creed in there.
KELSO:
(with a big, dumb smile) I wanna feel 'em.
HYDE:
(very sarcastically) Sure, Kelso. Go right ahead and put your hand on Jackie's stomach.
KELSO:
(with a big dopey grin) Really?
HYDE:
(yells at Kelso) HELL NO!
KELSO:
Come on, Hyde, everybody got to feel it but me.
JACKIE:
(rolling her eyes) Oh God, he might as well. Everybody else is.
HYDE:
Fine, (he stands up and points, threateningly, at Kelso) but I swear to God if your hand moves even a centimeter I'm chopping it off.
KELSO:
(he shrugs) Fair enough. Oh, but what if I sneeze? Cause then my hand'll move and it won't be my fault.
HYDE:
Well then I guess if you feel a sneeze coming you better hold it in huh?
KELSO:
(pointing to his head) Hyde, if I hold in a sneeze my brain might explode.
ERIC:
(to Kelso) Do you really think anybody would notice a difference if it did?
KELSO SHRUGS AT ERIC AND PUTS HIS HAND ON JACKIE'S STOMACH. HYDE HOVERS BEHIND HIM. KELSO TURNS AROUND AND JUMPS WHEN HE SEES HYDE.
KELSO:
Damn Hyde! You're making me nervous.
JACKIE:
(accusingly) Michael, you moved your hand.
KELSO:
(to Jackie) It was an accident,(very nervously, to Hyde) I swear it was an accident! Holy hell! (he yanks his hand away and stares at Jackie's stomach then he turns to Hyde) One of your kids just frogged me.
HYDE:
(leans down to talk into Jackie's stomach) Way to go, baby!
DONNA ENTERS EVERYONE LOOKS BACK AND FORTH, NERVOUSLY, BETWEEN HER AND ERIC.
JACKIE:
(quickly) Wow look at the time.
LAURIE:
(standing up) Yep, lots to do.
KELSO:
(to the gang) I didn't know we had plans tonight.
HYDE FROGGS KELSO TWICE.
KELSO:
(rubbing his arm) Again with the double frog Hyde?
HYDE:
Just be glad I'm not having triplets.
KELSO:
(with a laugh) Man, you having three kids would be worth the triple frog.
LAURIE, FEZ, KELSO AND HYDE GRAB THEIR COATS OFF THE HOOKS AND EXIT. DONNA AND ERIC ARE LEFT ALONE WITH JACKIE. THEY LOOK DOWN AT HER LIKE THEY ARE WAITING FOR HER TO LEAVE, JACKIE LOOKS MILDLY ANNOYED. A FEW SECONDS PASS AND HYDE COMES BACK THROUGH THE DOOR AND HEADS TO THE COUCH.
HYDE:
(with a shrug) Forgot something.
HE BENDS DOWN AND GRABS JACKIE UNDER THE ARMS AND SLOWLY LIFTS HER OUT OF THE COUCH. THEN HE GRABS HER HAND AND HER COAT AND THEY BOTH HEAD OUT THOUGH THE BASEMENT DOOR. ERIC AND DONNA BOTH STAND STARING AT EACH OTHER.
ERIC:
(sincerely) Donna, I'm really sorry you were worried about me yesterday.
DONNA:
(she shrugs) It's ok I'm over it now. I spent most of the day in a circle with Hyde and Kelso.
ERIC:
Really?
DONNA:
(with a smile) Yeah, Hyde's up to two circles a day since he found out about the twins.
ERIC:
Well, I'm still sorry.
DONNA:
(she nods) Thank you. (a pause) What were you doing at the bar anyway?
ERIC:
Donna, I've got a confession to make ... (he pauses like he's got something serious to say and then he smirks) I was drinking.
DONNA LAUGHS AND SITS DOWN ON THE COUCH.
DONNA:
God, watching Jackie and Hyde really makes you think doesn't it.
ERIC:
About what?
DONNA:
About marriage and kids and that kind of stuff.
ERIC:
(slowly smiling) Are you serious, you've been thinking about that?
ERIC SITS DOWN NEXT TO HER.
DONNA:
(with a small shrug) Well yeah, I mean all of our friends are married, well, except Kelso. Although he does have an illegitimate child so we'll give him half a point for that.
ERIC:
(getting excited) Donna, I am so glad you've been thinking about this.
DONNA:
Me too, because the more I think about it the more I realize - we made the right choice.
ERIC:
(not realizing what she said) Oh my God, I totally agree. (he pauses and frowns) Wait. What?
DONNA:
(hesitantly, but trying to act like she means it) I am so glad we didn't get married. It would've been a huge mistake.
ERIC:
(with a nervous laugh) Huge is a pretty strong word Donna.
DONNA:
I love our relationship right now Eric. We're together and we're happy, but we still have our independence you know what I mean.
ERIC:
Yeah, independence is so great. It's so (a beat) independent.
DONNA:
(nods) Exactly. It's great we can agree on this.
ERIC:
(with a fake smile) Yeah, it's just ... great.
THEY BOTH LOOK AWAY FROM EACH OTHER AND SIGH SADLY, NEITHER NOTICING THE OTHER'S EXPRESSION. WHEN THEY FINALLY LOOK BACK AT EACH OTHER THEY SMILE BRIEFLY AND THEN LOOK AWAY AGAIN.
END SCENE
CUT TO BUMPER
CREDITS
FANTASY SCENE
INT. A PSYCHEDELIC LOOKING TRAIN STATION. THE SONG, "LOVE TRAIN" BY THE O-JAYS IS PLAYING. RED, KITTY, BOB, JOANNE, HYDE, JACKIE, LAURIE AND FEZ ARE IN A LONG SINGLE-FILE LINE, HOLDING ONTO EACH OTHER'S WAISTS AND STEPPING TOGETHER, IN TIME WITH THE MUSIC, ALMOST LIKE THEY'RE DOING THE BUNNY-HOP. THEY ALL HAVE HUGE CHEESY SMILES ON THEIR FACES. ERIC STANDS AT A TICKET WINDOW WHERE KELSO IS THE GUY SELLING TICKETS. DONNA IS SITTING OFF TO THE SIDE OF THE WINDOW, SHE LOOKS VERY BORED. AS THE OTHERS DANCE BY THEY WAVE AT ERIC AND THE MUSIC PLAYS.
"People all over the world, join hands
Start a Love Train, a Love Train
People all over the world join hands
Start a Love Train, a Love Train"
ERIC:
(excitedly) Come on Donna, we're gonna miss the train!
DONNA:
(with a dismissive wave) We'll just get the next one.
ERIC VERY MELODRAMATICALLY WAVES GOODBYE TO EVERYONE AS THEY BOOGIE ON PAST HIM.
FADE INTO INT. ERIC'S BEDROOM. ERIC IS ASLEEP AND RED IS STANDING OVER HIM. RED RIPS THE COVERS OFF AND ERIC IMMEDIATELY SITS UP IN BED.
RED:
(grinning at Eric) Time to salt the driveway dumbass.
RED WALKS OUT WITH THE BLANKETS LEAVING BEHIND A VERY IRRITATED LOOKING ERIC
END SCENE
END EPISODE
UP NEXT ...
"Baby Come Back"
It's an epic stand-off after the girls walk out on the guys. Who will go crawling back first?