Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot.

I will take up to being a sucky writer. A/N at the end.

Chapter 20

BPOV

I deserve better. I deserve so much better... but if better isn't Edward then I don't want it.

We've been good though. The last week and a half we've spent together has been good. It's been just us in his old home. Carlisle only stops by every once in a while since he basically lives at the hospital.

We don't speak of Tanya or the day that is coming soon - coming tomorrow. Emmett couldn't find anything, but Edward assures me he's not walking down that church aisle unless he's dead and in a coffin. It didn't help much since I'd rather not think about that either.

We're at his house tonight. He wanted to get some more clothes and I ended up falling asleep on the couch. I woke up with his arm around me and a blanket on my legs.

You would think I'd feel uncomfortable here, knowing that he shared this house with Tanya. They've had sex here. They've shared moments Edward and I will never repeat - just make better.

Maybe my head's in my ass for knowing I'm better than Tanya. How couldn't it be though? I know it. He knows it. I tell myself I am. He tells me I am, too. Everyone else thinks I'm better than her.

Emmett.

Carlisle.

Esme seemed to like me and if Rosalie wasn't up Tanya's vagina I'm sure she would, too.

Alice and Jasper like Edward. At least they do when I'm not sitting on their couch crying with a giant spoon and tub of ice cream to calm me down. I'm surprised Jasper hasn't tried to kick his ass, especially after the night he fought Tyler. Jasper seems to take his side though unlike Alice. I'm sure if she saw him she'd give him a piece of her mind even though it's not her place.

Charlie and Edward seemed to get along in the two minutes they met. Then again, Charlie doesn't know anything about our relationship. To him we're just friends and he assumes we're something more. He has no idea the extent of us. I don't think he ever will.

Everyone seems to like the idea of us together so I don't understand what Edward's so afraid of. Why doesn't he just want to leave now? Does he need closure or something? Will it make him feel better if we stay here and tell Tanya to never show her face in Forks or Port Angeles or Seattle or Washington state again? Does he have that power? No, but from what I hear her father does.

He has a lot of power apparently. He can make or break the Cullen family depending on what Edward decides. I don't think it's right. I asked Charlie, hypothetically speaking and using a false friendship, if she can actually do that. He was unsure and told me he would check, but it's almost too late to keep checking.

One day when I'm older, hopefully happily married to Edward with three kids and the dream house I'll be able to tell our story. I'll be proud of it because we ended up happy. People will call me crazy because I stayed even after everything, but if that's the name dubbed on my forehead for being happy with a man I love, then I'll wear it with pride.

I'll probably never know what made Edward so perfect in my mind. I'll never know why he was so special or why I had to have him when I saw him. I'll never know what the fuck that spark was when I first touched his hand. I'll never know why I felt so lost without him.

Well maybe I'll know why, I just won't understand.

I guess if you look at it, my relationship with Edward is much like mine was with Royce. I'm a lot stronger but still naive. I never would have told Royce to fuck off. I always begged on two knees for him not to leave. He always stood over me, laughing at my weakness against him. He hit me more than once, but I've never told Jasper or Edward and I never will either.

I grew balls over time and stood up to Edward. I'll always run back into his arms though. It's home there. He would never physically hurt me and he doesn't emotionally hurt me intentionally. I don't like making excuses for him, but I do because I understand.

I wanted more than anything for him to just up and leave Tanya. I lied and told him it'd be okay if he didn't right away, but it ate me up inside. I thought if I told myself it was okay then I'd believe it.

My thoughts get me in trouble.

I thought by taking Tyler upstairs to the VIP room he'd just be jealous. I didn't know he would fight. That wasn't my intention. He did though, it was hot as fuck to see him angry and fighting over me, but it pissed me off. He thought after our fight he could just beat some guy because I'm "his". If that's the case I should've dragged Tanya's ass across the floor the minute I saw her.

It wasn't long until I needed him. That was the difference between before and that night.

Before I just wanted him because I could have him even though he wasn't mine. I wanted him because he wasn't mine to have. I got what I wanted. I always get what I want.

The night Charlie had a stroke and went to the hospital, I needed him. I needed him because even though I was supposed to hate him I needed to have the feeling of him next to me. I needed him to tell me it was going to be okay. I needed him to translate Dr. Volturi's hospital words. I could've asked Jacob to come, but what could he have done? It took forever for Billy and Harry to get me calm enough to sit down.

When Edward walked in, it was like the big bad ass storm that was hovering over my head cleared. Everything was calm even though we had no idea how we were supposed to act around each other.

I was proud of him when he told me he told Tanya he was going to leave her, even if she did threaten him. I can't help but to think there's more, but I was so happy it didn't matter. It was a step, right? Right.

I hadn't planned to let him all the way in yet. I wanted us to go slow, at least until things cleared and we got an okay from Emmett. I couldn't wait though. I let my emotions get the best of me. Fighting with Charlie made me want, need, desire and not want to live without Edward all in one. I had to have him, inside me and all over, and I got him.

Sex with Edward has always been amazing, but that night it was like the Fourth of July, New Years and Christmas all together. I see one reason why Tanya won't let him go so easily.

"What are you thinking about?" Edward asks.

I shrug. "Nothing special. Let's go upstairs?" It's a question with a lustful look in my eyes.

He smirks and moves his arm from my shoulder so I can get up. "Don't have to ask me twice."

I grab his hand and pull him up. I skip to the stairs as he calmly follows me. "This is so untraditional." I laugh.

His eyebrow rises. "What is?"

I turn around in his arms and reach for the hem of his shirt. "I mean, it's the night before you're wedding," I joke, trying not to laugh as his face contorts. "You should be out with your friends enjoying your last night as a single man."

"Bella, what are you-"

"No," I shush him by putting my finger over his lips. "Relax. I'm kidding. C'mon."

I take his shirt all the way off, discarding it to the side. I attach my lips to his and our tongues dance. I walk backward as he guides us to the guest room, our room. His hands slide down my back and waist as my fingers run through his hair. He lifts up my dress slowly, grabs my legs so I can wrap them around his waist and picks me up.

We end up on the bed. My legs stayed wrapped around him and my hands roam everywhere on his body.

I swear there's nothing better than his body.

He lifts my dress up to my belly button and pushes his hips against mine. I can feel his erection pressing against me. I smile to myself and pull his face to mine. I run my fingers up and down his neck as we kiss. I turn my head, giving him access to my neck.

"I'm so sorry I can't be better," he whispers in my ear before trailing his lips against my skin. "I'm sorry I can't be the guy you deserve. I'm sorry I can't be perfect."

"Stop it," I say, pulling his face in front of mine.

His eyes are wet and a tear is threatening to spill over at any second.

Edward may be the more sensitive brother out of him and Emmett, but he hardly ever shows any emotion other than happy, horny, satisfied, or frustrated. This is frustrated to an entire different level.

I see more than frustrations when I look in his eyes. He's sad, tired and wants this to be over. He wants me. He needs me. He wants to be more than what he is for me.

What he doesn't believe is that despite everything he's just fine. It could be so much different.

If this were high school, I'd be the homewrecking slut and everyone would feel bad for Tanya. Edward would be considered a bad ass for fucking me while staying with Tanya. There would be a rumor around the school saying I gave Edward a STD and Tanya almost got it. It's be a bunch of bullshit.

But this isn't high school. It's real life.

Most people say I'm too understanding and take too much shit. Others say I'm a hardass and know how to take care of myself. Truth be told, I'm not really sure either of those people are right. Lost would be a better word.

"I love you, Bella," he says.

I feel his hot tear touch my cheek as I feel my own fall down mine.

"You, too." I kiss his cheek and unbuckle his belt. I use one hand to wipe his tear stained cheekbone and the other to slide his jeans down his hips. I hear his breathing hitch when I feel him through his boxers. He is already hard and I can't keep my eager hands from roaming to his waist band and pulling down on them a bit. He whimpers as I touch him.

He feels so good.

"Bella. I need you," he grunts as I run a finger over him.

I nod, kissing his chin and roll us over so I'm on top.

I can't tell if he's still crying as I back up slightly to pull his jeans and boxers off. I crawl back up to him to kiss him. I take his bottom lip between my teeth, sucking so hard he has to sit up. I let him go and he falls back. I run my hands up and down his chest.

I gasp when I feel his hands on my waist, pushing my dress up more.

I put my hands on his chest and hover over him. I can feel his tip at my entrance. I close my eyes as I slide down onto him.

"Fuck," I whisper as he moans.

We move slowly together, taking our time to really feel each other. He's deep inside of me. I can feel myself already on edge.

I wonder what he's thinking.

Is this as good for him as it is for me? Is it better for him than it is for me?

Is he really thinking of me or is Tanya on his mind, too?

The thought of Edward thinking of Tanya while we have sex scares me. I know I once challenged him to try not to think of me when he's with Tanya, but I don't want to be her.

"Edward," I whisper, closing my eyes.

He doesn't say anything.

"Edward," I say again, running my fingers through my hair.

His hands pull me down so his lips are right next to my ear. He kisses my neck before whispering, "Yes, love?"

"Tell me you love me," I moan as he grabs onto my hips and speeds our rhythm. Our breaths become heavier and I become louder.

He's killing me. I wonder if he knows that.

We fit so perfectly. We are so perfect. At least we could be.

"I love you, so fucking much," he says as we come hard, yelling and screaming each others' names.

I watch as his eyes close and his chest rise then falls. I want to touch his face, kiss his cheek or something, but I can't. He kisses my cheek and tries to wrap his arms around me, but I move before he can.

Sliding off of Edward I can feel the anxiety building in my chest. The fear that I wasn't good enough. The fear that what we just did isn't keeping him here with me.

I don't mean to compare myself to Tanya but it happens, naturally.

I turn onto my side. Edward lays beside me for a couple of minutes before scooting over to me and pressing his chest against my back. He moves the hair from my shoulder and kisses me there.

My body shivers. I hate how I react to him.

"I really do love you," he tells me.

I should nod or let him know I know he does, but I don't.

His kisses my shoulder again. I can feel his lips grazing my skin but I sit all the way up before he can press them against my skin once again. I push my hair over my right shoulder and he runs his fingers down my spine. "What's wrong?"

His voice is what makes me shiver this time. His touch makes a lump form in my throat. I really hate how I react to him.

"Please tell me." His lips are on my back.

I arch my back, hoping to get away from him before I give in to him too quickly.

Be strong. Be strong.

"If you really loved me you would just leave her." My voice cracks and a tear falls.

I feel the bed move as he sits up. He doesn't get any closer to me though.

"You know I would if it were that simple, Bella."

"So make it simple, Edward. Just leave her," I snap, turning around to face him.

I'm tired of that excuse. I should have never let it be an excuse.

"I'm sorry," he says as I run my fingers through my hair.

How can I be mad at him? It's my doing, too. I should be mad at myself. I am mad at myself, but it's so much easier to take it out on him.

I sniff, taking a deep breath and crawl to him. I push him back with one hand and climb on top of him. I graze my lips against his, making him sit up to meet me and showing me he still wants me. I shake my head and push him back down, going with him.

"Love me," I whisper to him softly.

He nods before pushing me over so he's on top. "Always."

I am so sorry about how late this is. Senior year has kicked my ass so hard it's not even funny. I also had a mean writer's block.

Obviously this chapter was the prologue in B's POV. There's a part 2. I divided the chapter because writer's block is still getting to me.

I have no idea when the next chapter will be up. If you don't want to stay with this story, I understand but I am finishing it.

Thanks to those still with me 3

I'll give a teaser if you review, btw (;

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