I've finally finished this chapter and it's a long one to make up for the delay. I hope it's worth the wait. Thanks so much to everyone who reviewed and stuck with this story. In this chapter, Luke has a bit of a breakthrough. Things will start moving along after this. I will try my best to post more frequently.
Disclaimer: I own only the characters I create. Gilmore girls is owned by Amy Sherman-Palladino. The Son-Rise Program and Option Process are created by Barry Neil Kaufman and Samahria Lyte Kaufman, founders of The Option Institute and the Autism Treatment Center of America, and are used with permission. This story is a work of fiction, based on real principles, and is intended for entertainment purposes only.
Chapter 21: On A Clear Day….
The sun shone brightly above in a clear blue sky. Luke squinted, shading his eyes as he looked up. It was one of those perfect days where nothing could go wrong. He looked around, keenly aware that something was very different about this day, yet it appeared as if nothing was out of the ordinary. A gentle breeze blew, rustling the leaves on the trees around him, and fluffing up his hair. He wasn't wearing his ball cap. He pulled his fingers through his hair, trying to comb it into some semblance of order.
He was drawn away from his observations by the sound of laughter. Turning around, Luke caught sight of a playground with children climbing, swinging, and sliding. Two children in particular caught his attention. A young boy and girl were challenging each other, as they pumped their legs on tandem swings. Their joyous laughter filled his ears, as a smile spread on his face. He saw the light brown curls of his little girl flying behind her, as she pumped her legs to swing higher and higher. Next to her, her brother's short dark curls flopped in his face, as he pulled back, holding tightly to the chains.
"Daddy! Watch me," Emmy called out, as she leaned back to pump her little legs. "I can swing higher than Matty!"
"No you can't, Emmy," Matthew taunted with a laugh. "I'm going to swing right over the top of the swing set. Watch me, Daddy!"
"No! Watch me," Emmy squealed. As she kicked her legs forward, one small pink sneaker went flying off her foot, almost hitting Luke in the head. This brought out peals of laughter from both kids, as Luke bent down to retrieve the canvass missile.
"Easy, you two," Luke called out. "If you do fly over the top, you're gonna get all caught up in the chains, and I'm not climbin' up there to untangle you."
"Daddy, you're silly! You can't swing over the top of the swing set," Emmy wisely corrected. "You'd fall off first. Matty just thinks he can. But then, he thinks he can fly too," she added with a giggle.
"I can too fly," Matthew said, grinning broadly. "See! I can reach the sky! I'm gonna kick the leaves off the trees. Maybe I'll even catch a bird. See that bird up there, Daddy? I'm gonna swing up and catch it. Then I'm gonna bring it home and keep it as my pet."
"You can't catch that bird, Matty," Emmy stated, rolling her eyes. "Besides, Daddy won't let you bring home a wild bird. Right, Daddy?"
"There will be no wild birds flying around the house," Luke agreed.
"I can fly," Matthew exclaimed, as he let go of the chains and jumped from the swing in mid air. The boy landed on his butt with a thud in the soft sand. He stood up, brushed the sand from his shorts, and trotted over to his father. "Can I have a bird?"
"What? The fish, newts, hamster, frogs, and guinea pig aren't enough for you?" Luke smiled, ruffling his boy's hair. He joked, but he was also impressed by Matthew's love for all living things, and the tender care he gave his pets. "Why a bird?"
"Because birds are free, Daddy," Matthew answered, as if it were the most logical answer he could give. "Birds can fly. They can go anywhere and see everything. And they sing. I love to hear birds sing. I want a canary cause they sing the best. Birds make people happy. How can you be sad when you hear a bird sing? I want to always have happiness, even when I'm inside. And when I hear my canary sing, I'll remember to be happy."
Luke looked down at his son's beaming face, knowing that Matthew spoke the truth. He could see it reflected in the huge blue orbs that were locked on his on. He sucked in a breath and listened, as the birds sang in the trees nearby. Emmy jumped off her swing and ran over to him, wrapping her arms around his waist in a huge hug. It was a perfect moment, but something was missing. Or rather, someone. Lorelai.
Luke could still hear the birds singing, as his eyes fluttered open. The sun was just appearing over the horizon, filling the bedroom with a soft orange glow. Luke shifted slightly, the dream fog beginning to clear, as he felt the tickle of his wife's hair on his cheek. Lorelai was here, in their bed, her warm naked body snuggled up to his. The dream seemed so real. In his head, he could still see Matthew's angelic smile, hear his laughter, and the simple words of childlike wisdom. But why wasn't Lorelai in the dream?
He drew in a breath and exhaled slowly, trying to calm his pounding heart. It was just a dream, a vision of things that hadn't happened, couldn't possibly happen. Or could they? He wanted that happy family life more than anything. The dream was still lingering in his mind, still fresh in his consciousness. Matthew was a healthy, happy boy, as perfect as any child could be. Reality dawned on him, pressing down on his shoulders like an immovable weight. Luke swallowed hard against the building emotions. No, dream Matthew wasn't real. His boy was trapped inside the prison of his own body, communicating nothing, wanting nothing, interacting with no one. Two fat tears slid from the outer corners of his eyes and rolled slowly down the sides of his face and into his ears. He quickly rubbed away the evidence with the back of his hand.
Lorelai stirred next to him and he wrapped his arms tightly around her, kissing the top of her head. She was here. The fact that she wasn't in his dream didn't mean anything. If Luke was certain of one thing in his life, he was assured that Lorelai loved him and he loved her. She was the strong one. He was the coward who couldn't deal with his own son, or give his wife the support she desperately needed. What was he so afraid of?
Luke couldn't answer that question. He could, however, do something helpful. Motivation filled his veins and energized him with purpose. They needed a playroom for Matthew's Son-Rise Program, and he was just the man to create it! Ideas flooded his head and he sprang from the bed, nearly knocking Lorelai out of the bed in the process.
"Hey! What the…." Lorelai clutched the edge of the mattress in an attempt to keep from falling off. She blinked her eyes, as she pulled herself into the middle of the bed. Luke was already in the bathroom, his clothes wadded up under his arm.
"What time is it?" Lorelai croaked, half asleep. She opened one eye and promptly squeezed it shut against the early morning sun streaming through the windows. "Gah! Who turned on the sun? Big blazing ball of torment! Someone forgot to close the curtains last night," she accused, pulling the blanket over her head.
"That would be you," Luke intoned from the bathroom, as he zipped up his jeans. He could hear Lorelai's muffled groan escape from the pile of blankets. He pulled a fresh t-shirt over his head and a navy blue long sleeve tee over that. Layers were the key. It may have been cold outside now, but once he began to work, Luke knew he'd be peeling those layers off eventually. He entered the bedroom and rifled through the top drawer of his dresser till he found a pair of socks. He sat on the edge of the bed and pulled them on.
"Need coffee," Lorelai mumbled under the blankets. "Need sleep. Coffee, then sleep. Why'd you wake me up? It's quiet. The kids are still asleep," Lorelai whined from under her cocoon of downy softness.
"What was that? I couldn't understand your mumbling," Luke replied, tying his shoes.
"I said why'd you wake me up?" Lorelai groaned impatiently, as she bolted to an upright position, her tangled mop of hair hanging in her face. Luke turned and caught sight of her naked and disheveled appearance and a huge grin spread across his face. "Why are you smiling? You've just deprived me of that rare chance to sleep in. That's no reason to smile. Hate morning. Hate early! Stupid birds singing! It's winter! Why aren't they all in Florida or something?"
Luke pushed the hair away from Lorelai's face and cupped it gently. He couldn't resist her pout. He knew that she wasn't really angry with him. She just wasn't a morning person. Her eyes were bloodshot and she had traces of eyeliner smudged under her lower lids. She looked so tired. She also looked beautiful. Luke placed a soft kiss on her lips, as he stroked her cheeks with the pads of his thumbs.
"Stop flirting with me. It's too early in the morning," Lorelai murmured, her pout faltering, as a smile teased at the corners of her mouth.
"How can I resist with a beautiful naked woman in my bed?" Luke replied, with a smile. "Although, you might want to put some clothes on before you give the neighbors a show, not to mention the possibility of awkward encounters with small children."
"Don't wanna," Lorelai drawled, as she lay back against the pillows, pulling Luke down with her. "Wanna snuggle with my man." She smiled languidly, her sleepy eyes struggling to stay open.
"Much as I'd love to, I've got a lot to do today." Luke kissed her once more and then pulled back. "Look, it's still early. The kids won't be up for a while. Why don't you go back to sleep for a while longer. I'll take care of Matthew and Emmy. I want to get ready to work on turning the garage into Matthew's playroom. I need to put together a list of stuff. I've got some good ideas. You sleep. I'll get the kids when they get up and I'll wake you when breakfast is ready."
"You're a good man, Luke Danes," Lorelai murmured, as she rolled over and hugged his pillow.
Luke brushed a lock of hair from Lorelai's face and leaned over to kiss the top of her head. He got up and crossed the room to leave.
"Luke?" Lorelai called out softly, turning to face him, as he stood in the doorway. "Thank you," she stated shyly, clutching the pillow to her chest. "I didn't think you'd be so quick to start work on the playroom. Thank you for taking The Son-Rise Program seriously. It means a lot to me."
"Yeah, well, building things is something I know how to do," Luke shrugged. "At least I can get things started. Now go back to sleep before Emmy comes barging in here wanting you to watch cartoons with her."
Lorelai sighed and closed her eyes, still hugging Luke's pillow. So much for getting his wife dressed. He shook his head, gazing at Lorelai's soft smile of contentment, knowing that she'd be asleep within moments. He turned the lock on the doorknob, giving Lorelai some privacy, and silently closed the door behind him. As he passed the twins' room, he stopped and listened. He cracked the door open and peeked inside. Emmy was still sound asleep, but Matthew was sitting on his bed, rocking quietly as he clutched his blankie.
Luke silently entered the room and escorted Matthew out into the hall. The boy kept a grip on his blanket, as he reluctantly took his father's hand. Luke brought Matthew to the downstairs bathroom and gave him a bath. Luke pinched the urine soaked diaper between two fingers and deposited it in the trashcan. He then wadded up the wet sleeper and tossed it into the washer. When he returned to the bathroom, Matthew was still sitting in the tub. The boy was rubbing his hand back and forth over the smooth metal grip rails with complete concentration.
"Looks like it's you and me this morning, buddy," Luke said, as he doused Matthew's hair with a pitcher of water. "Your sister is still asleep and it looks like God Himself couldn't get your mom out of bed." He chuckled to himself, as he shampooed Matthew's hair. "How about I set you up to hang out with Scooby Doo until Emmy gets up? Then we'll make some breakfast and get Mommy up too. What do you think?" Matthew kept his gaze on the shiny metal bar he was exploring and paid no attention to his father. Luke just sighed in response. He finished bathing Matthew, not even attempting to converse with the boy. Why bother. It's not like he even understands a word I'm saying anyway, Luke thought to himself.
Luke popped the worn video into the VCR and pressed play. He grabbed a tablet and pen from the desk and sat on the couch. There was so much to remember, so many details. He made a list of what he thought Matthew would like in his playroom. He would have his colorful cars. The ragged blanket was a must. Maria said there needed to be educational toys to help Matthew learn to communicate. He'd leave the acquisition of those toys to Lorelai. She was much better at buying that stuff anyway. He'd need a place to put those toys. Shelves! Now that was something Luke could do.
The day seemed to fly by like a blur for Luke. He made his list, fed the hungry masses, and headed to the garage to begin clearing it out. He was so focused and determined to complete the playroom in as little time as possible, that Lorelai accepted his absence. She was busy anyway. Maria had come over and was going over the log entries on Matthew's observation. This gave Luke uninterrupted time in the garage.
Lorelai went to the sink to fill the coffee pot with water for her third pot of the day. She gazed out the kitchen window over the sink and watched as Luke hauled off yet another load in his truck to destinations unknown. Maria came up behind her, placing her hand on Lorelai's shoulder.
"He's quite the busy bee, isn't he?"
"He's been out there all day, working like a madman in the garage," Lorelai replied, cringing at the thought of where all of her treasures from the garage might end up.
"He really seems to be focused on creating the playroom," Maria said smiling.
"Yeah, he is," Lorelai added with a nod. "He's trying, you know? I didn't think he'd take this seriously, but he's really trying. At least he's not griping about Matthew's behavior."
"I picked up the frustration in his observation notes on Matthew," Maria commented. "I do want to check in with him and see how he's doing though. I want to make sure that we're all on the same page when we begin Matthew's playroom sessions."
A knock on the front door interrupted them and Emmy rushed for the door to answer it.
"Mommy, Aunt Sookie's here," she called out excitedly. "And she brought Martha and Stella!" The girls ran squealing up to Emmy's bedroom, as Sookie made her way to the kitchen.
"Hey, Sook, what brings you here? And aren't you missing a kid?" Lorelai crossed the room to embrace her friend.
"Nah, I pawned him off on Jackson," Sookie giggled. "He's doin' mans work. Hey, Maria. You do know that Luke has been emptying your garage out into my shed, right?"
"He is?" Lorelai looked stunned. "I'm so sorry. He just went all gonzo on this playroom project. I didn't even think about where he'd put all the stuff from the garage."
"It's okay, hon," Sookie reassured her. "He came over and asked Jackson to help him 'clear the crap' from the garage, as he put it. Jackson was more than happy to oblige. And since Davy was grounded for smacking Stella upside the head, he put him to work too."
"So you decided to get away from all that testosterone and come over here?" Lorelai smiled and offered her friend a chair.
"It was either this or drag the girls up to the Dragonfly on my day off to torment Michel," Sookie said with a huge dimpled grin. "I thought he was going to have a stroke when Martha drew smiley faces on his Post-Its and stuck them all over the reception area last week. But when Stella ran out of the kitchen and hugged him with her jelly-covered hands, he threw a tantrum! He ranted for fifteen minutes! It made me wish I took French in school, cause I'm pretty sure there were quite a few cuss words in there."
"Well, we know how anal Michel is about his suits," Lorelai said, laughing.
"So Luke is really on board with turning the garage into a Son-Rise playroom?" Sookie wondered aloud. Lorelai had filled her in on the whole plan.
"It seems so," Maria replied, smiling. "I was going to check up on him in a while to see how he was doing. He's been gone quite a while this trip."
"Oh! He and Jackson mentioned something about heading to the Home Depot in Litchfield to get supplies," Sookie mentioned.
"I guess I can catch him later," Maria commented. "Something smells delicious. What are you hiding in those bags, Sookie, and does it go with coffee?"
Sookie giggled and began unloading a veritable feast of home cooked delights. Having known Lorelai for many years, Sookie knew not to come calling on her friend without bringing some kind of tasty treat, especially since Lorelai usually had nothing worth eating in her house. Things got exponentially better once Luke came into Lorelai's life, but Sookie still loved to bring over food she'd cooked from new recipes. She figured that if Lorelai liked it, it was sure to be a hit at the Inn.
The three women were so caught up in their visit that they didn't noticed Matthew quietly slipping out the unlocked front door. Maria spotted him through Rory's bedroom window walking along the porch. Lorelai caught Maria's intent gaze and panicked. She bolted from her chair, heading out the back door. Maria followed her, but instructed her to stand back and observe her son.
"But he'll take off down the block, or run into traffic," Lorelai exclaimed.
Maria placed a calming hand on her shoulder. "He's in the backyard. He'll be fine. We're watching him. We'll get him in a minute."
Lorelai glanced over her shoulder and spotted Sookie eying them through the kitchen door. She turned back to watch her son from their unobtrusive perch on the back porch. She was so used to panicking every time Matthew ran out of the house. She fought the nervous tremors in her muscles, as she battled the urge to grab her son and bring him back to the safety of the house. Why was she so afraid?
Maria felt Lorelai's anxiety and put her arm around her friend's shoulder, giving her a reassuring squeeze. They watched for a moment as Matthew walked in circles in the snow, oblivious to the audience he now commanded. His eyes held a dreamy expression, as he gazed up at the trees. He stopped and bent down to pick up some snow. It was cold in his hands and he threw it down, clapping his frosty hands together. Despite the cold, Matthew seemed to actually enjoy himself. The yard was quiet, unlike the upstairs, where three young girls were noisily playing dolls.
It was only then that Lorelai noticed that Matthew actually had boots on! He was walking around in his socks in the house. They were on the wrong feet, but they were on, nonetheless. She wondered if Emmy had put Matthew's boots on and encouraged her brother to go outside. She wouldn't put it past her clever daughter to try to get rid of the boy, so the girls could play in peace. She wasn't aware that Matthew even knew how to put on his boots. Apparently Maria noticed the same thing, because she was smiling.
"He's wearing his boots," Lorelai stated quietly. "I didn't know he knew how to put them on. He never showed any interest in dressing himself before."
"That doesn't mean he isn't capable of learning," Maria stated simply.
Both women were so engrossed in marveling at Matthew's achievement that they didn't hear the crunch of tires in the driveway. A truck door slammed, and before either of them could process it, Luke came bounding into the yard. He scooped up the startled boy under his arm and trudged to the back door. His face was red and his eyes were blazing with barely contained anger. Matthew began to scream and fought to release himself from his father's grasp.
"What the hell is he doing outside by himself?" Luke boomed, dropping Matthew to his feet on the back porch. The boy began to hit himself on the side of his head and scream louder.
"He's not outside by himself," Lorelai shot back. "We're out here too!"
"He's got no goddamn coat on, Lorelai! It's freezing out here! What the hell were you thinking?" He ushered the boy into the house, as Lorelai and Maria followed.
"We're not wearing coats either! Do you really think I planned this? That I just thought 'hey, let's let Matty outside to run around by himself with no coat on'? He snuck out and we followed him."
"You followed him? He takes off down the street and has nearly been hit by a car more than once!" Luke struggled to keep his anger in check. He paced around the kitchen.
"We were just observing him for a moment, to see what he was doing," Lorelai snapped.
"Oh! So I have you to thank," Luke snarled, pointing an index finger at Maria. "When my son comes down with goddamn pneumonia, I'm sending you the medical bills!"
"Hey! It's not her fault! Jesus, Luke, nothing happened! Matthew is fine! We were watching him the whole time!"
"I think I'm gonna…." Sookie pointed toward the living room and left to keep an eye on the kids.
"Watching him freeze out in the snow? You could watch him in the house where it's warm! You know how unsafe it is for him to be outside alone! He runs out the door, you go get him period! You don't let him run around out there without a coat in the goddamn snow!" Luke's face was beet red, and his breaths were coming out in puffs.
"Stop yelling at me, Luke!" Lorelai backed away, her whole body shaking with anger and just a bit of fear. "You're getting Matthew even more worked up."
She looked over at her son, who was rocking furiously in a corner, his hands slapping at his ears. He was crying hysterically, and it was breaking her heart. A part of her wanted to join him, wanted to sit on the floor and just cry, but she inhaled a shaky breath and regained her composure. Once again, she needed to pacify her boy, and escape her husband's anger.
"Lorelai, why don't you take Matthew into Rory's old room, where it's quiet, and see if he'll calm down for you?" Maria suggested, giving Lorelai's shoulder a little squeeze. "Luke, can we go out to the garage and talk for a bit?"
"I don't feel much like talking right now," Luke muttered, watching as Lorelai bent down to help Matthew up off the floor. As she led him to Rory's old room, he could see the look of sadness in her glistening eyes, and he averted his gaze to his boots. The bedroom door clicked shut in quiet contrast to the explosive atmosphere in the room only moments before.
"That's fine," Maria replied. "You could show me what you bought at Home Depot, and fill me in on some of your ideas for the playroom."
"Yeah, sure." Luke sighed, all the fight drained from his body, leaving him feeling exhausted. He took a few steps into the living room and spotted Sookie playing tea party with the girls. She caught his eye and nodded, giving him a sad smile. He gave her a small contrite smile of his own, and a little wave.
"I'm going into the garage with Maria," Luke stated, his voice hoarse from yelling. "Lorelai is trying to calm Matthew down in Rory's room."
"Don't worry about a thing," Sookie responded. "I've got the girls under control. We're playing tea party with some of the goodies I brought. They'll be fine. Emmy's helping me make the tea."
"You want some, Daddy? It's good," Emmy offered, raising her little teacup.
"Maybe later, Sweetpea," Luke answered. "Be good for Aunt Sookie. I'll be back in a little bit."
Luke headed out the back door and went over to his truck parked in the driveway. He sighed and shook his head, ever aware of Maria's serene presence nearby. He said nothing, as he opened the garage doors and began to unload the truck. When Maria began to help carry some of the supplies, he had no comment. His thoughts were whirling around in his brain like a gritty sand storm, scratching the insides of his consciousness like an annoying itch he couldn't reach. He felt suffocated and terrified, all at the same time.
He tried to focus on creating the playroom, but the whirlwind of thoughts wouldn't allow him. He clenched and unclenched his jaw, concentrating on keeping his breathing even, for fear he'd have an anxiety attack and the very fabric of his being would be rent asunder. He needed to keep it together. He could feel the fear clawing at his chest like millions of voracious insects gnawing and burrowing into his lungs. He couldn't breathe.
After a while, Luke sat down on the floor and leaned back against the wall. He brought his knees up. He removed his cap, ran his fingers through his sweat-dampened hair, and rested his elbows on his knees. Maria sat down next to him and waited. Finally, he shook his head slightly, blew out a tremulous breath, and spoke.
"I screwed up again, didn't I?" He almost didn't recognize his own voice. It was small and almost whispered.
"Why do you feel that you screwed up, Luke?" Maria waited for him to answer.
"Because I yelled at Lorelai. Again! I freaked out Matthew. I was a total asshole to you. Do I really need to go on?" Luke rubbed his forehead, as a headache settled in right behind his eyes. "I want to help Matthew, I do, but I just can't stop screwin' things up. I'm so goddamn angry!"
"Why are you angry, Luke?" Maria gently prompted him to further explore his feelings.
"Why am I…? Stop tryin' to shrink my head, Maria! Just talk to me like normal, okay?" Luke sighed. He hated that he was so stressed that he flew off the handle at every little thing.
"I'm not trying to shrink your head, Luke," Maria replied, calmly. "I'm just helping you to explore some of your feelings so that you can find the answers for yourself."
"So, you're not going to give me the answers, or tell me what I should do?" Luke raised his eyebrows in disbelief.
"Why should I? You already know the answers. You just have to look inside yourself to find them," Maria said, smiling.
Luke processed Maria's words. Maybe he just wasn't cut out for this. Kids always annoyed him to no end. He didn't have the patience. He'd hoped things would be easier when he had kids of his own, and for a while it was pretty good, but this autism thing was kicking him in the ass. Before he knew it, he was spouting off a rant of epic proportions that would have made Lorelai's jaw drop in awe. The words poured forth like a volcanic eruption, spewing out the hot ash and molten lava of his anger and frustration.
"Why are you telling me all this?" Maria asked, when Luke finally took a breath.
"You wanted to know why I'm angry," Luke retorted. "Apparently, it's genetic. I come from a long line of impatient, angry men." Luke sighed and muttered under his breath, "Probably why I've always kept to myself. Lorelai used to call me a hermit." He smirked and gave a tiny shrug.
"Lorelai also says that you are one of the most supportive people she knows," Maria stated, giving Luke a pat on the knee. "She told me that you'd do anything for your family and friends. You're there to help. You call yourself a hermit, and yet you care about people. Why is that?"
Luke rubbed the three-day growth of scruff on his jaw and thought for a moment.
"I guess I've always felt a sense of responsibility. My mom died when I was a boy and I helped my dad with the hardware store. I felt I owed him. When he was sick, I took care of everything. Every time Liz has gotten into some kind of trouble, I was the one who bailed her out. Hell, I even took in my nephew, Jess, when she couldn't deal with him anymore! I've always been one to fix things—whether it was little things around Lorelai's house, or helping out my messed up sister. I was taught by my dad to help the people you care about. But I don't know how to fix this, and it pisses me off."
"Why do you have to fix anything?" Maria inquired gently.
Luke pondered the question, releasing a shuddering breath. "If I can't fix it, it means I've failed. Wouldn't be the first time. Like I said, maybe I'm just not cut out to be a father."
"Do you really believe that if you can't fix something then you have failed?"
Luke let the question roll around in his brain for a moment, as he tried to formulate an answer that wouldn't sound ridiculous. "I guess if I can't fix something it just means that I can't fix it." He cringed and shook his head. The words coming out of his mouth sounded stupid to him.
"And do you really feel that you're not cut out to be a father?" Maria inquired gently.
"Yes. No! No, I don't believe that," Luke stated firmly. "I've done a great job with my kids when they were babies. It scared the crap out of me, but I did it. I love my kids. I never knew I was capable of loving anyone so tiny and fragile. All those bodily functions grossed me out, but when I saw them smile for the first time none of that mattered."
"Tell me, Luke, what do you want? What it is that you really want?" Maria probed.
"I want to stop yelling at my wife and kids," Luke muttered. "I want everyone to be happy. I want to see Emmy grow up to be just as beautiful and strong a woman as her mom. I want…." His voice cracked with emotion, as he tried to force his wishes out for his son. "I want Matthew to stop beating himself and us up. I want to hear him laugh like he used to when he was a toddler. I want to hear him call me Daddy, as he runs into the diner from school, excited to tell me all about his day. I want to teach him to play ball and build things like my father taught me. I want my son back."
Luke swiped at the tears that were coursing down his cheeks in a vain effort to regain some control over his emotions. He hated feeling so raw and vulnerable. He was supposed to take care of his family and fix things. This was one thing he felt he couldn't repair and he felt helpless. Beneath all the anger and frustration was a deep sadness that gnawed at his gut and tore up his heart.
"Do you believe that you can't have what you want?" Maria pressed.
"I don't know," Luke replied brokenly. "It just seems like it won't ever happen."
"Do you believe that The Son-Rise Program can help Matthew?" Maria probed.
"A part of me thinks it's too good to be true, and I don't want to get my hopes up and have it fail like everything else we've tried." Luke sighed. "I guess I'm trying to be realistic. Maybe I am a bit skeptical, but I want it to work."
"What are your expectations for the program, Luke? What do you want to see as a result?" Maria inquired.
"I want it to work like it did for that kid in the movie," Luke shrugged. "Is that even possible? Do you really think Matthew can be cured of his autism?"
"I believe that Matthew can and will recover," Maria said, smiling. "I believe that he will show us the way, if we pay attention, and learn from him as we teach him. I understand how angry and overwhelmed you must be feeling, but I assure you there is hope."
"When I saw Matthew out in the yard by himself I panicked," Luke acknowledged, remembering the earlier incident. "I'm sorry I went off on you. I didn't mean it. I was terrified that he would take off. He's done it so many times. I blew up at Lorelai when I should've made sure he was okay and then listened to her. I overreacted big time."
"Did you notice that Matthew had his boots on?" Maria queried softly.
"He did?" Luke's eyes widened in surprise, as Maria nodded with a big smile plastered on her face.
"That's what we were marveling at when you arrived," Maria replied. "Lorelai mentioned how she'd never seen him dress himself before, and yet he had his boots on. This is actually a huge deal. It shows that Matthew is intelligent and more aware of his surroundings that you thought. The goal of The Son-Rise Program is to gently guide him into making more choices for himself on his own terms. We want to celebrate his achievements, no matter how small."
"And then I come along and ruin the moment by being paranoid," Luke grumbled.
"You were just trying to protect him from the cold and keep him safe," Maria corrected. "Your intentions were good. And Matthew was only outside for a few minutes. We were about to bring him inside when you surprised us."
"You mean when I barged on the scene and flipped out like a freakin' lunatic," Luke said sheepishly. "How do I keep from overreacting like that over everything?"
"You'll learn," Maria said. "Just remember, Luke, that you and Lorelai are doing the best you can with Matthew. You love him and you both want him to be safe, healthy, and happy. Try not to be so hard on yourself. Or Lorelai, for that matter. We'll talk a lot more as we prepare for Matthew's Son-Rise sessions. For now, why don't you go inside and make peace with Lorelai. I'm sure she could use a hug right about now."
"That's if she'll even talk to me," Luke added, shaking his head. He stood up and placed his ball cap on his head. "I was gonna start working in here today, but I guess it'll have to wait. I think I've got some good ideas about how to set it up."
"Oh, good! What did you have in mind?" Maria glanced down at the list Luke pulled out of his back pocket.
Lorelai paced the bedroom, her arms wrapped around her body protectively. She walked over to the window and looked outside for the sixth time. This time she spotted Luke and Maria exiting the garage talking animatedly. She glanced over at Matthew who was sitting on the floor in the corner rocking listlessly. His eyes were glazed over from exhaustion. Lorelai entered the kitchen and closed the door to the bedroom, leaving Matthew to rock quietly. Luke and Maria came in the front door shaking the snow from their shoes.
"Thanks for leaving me to deal with Matthew again," Lorelai called out, obviously still irritated.
"Where's Sookie? I thought she was here," Luke responded, as he pulled off his boots.
"She had to go home to fix dinner for Jackson and the kids," Lorelai said, as she rounded the corner and leaned against the wall in the foyer, her arms crossed over her chest.
Luke noticed the fresh welts and scratches on her face. "What happened to…?"
"My face? Well, let's see…"
Lorelai launched into a rant about Matthew's tantrum and the severity of his agitation. Her arms gesticulated wildly, as her own agitation mounted. Luke looked over at Maria, searching for a clue as to how to respond. Maria smiled softly and gave a small nod, giving Luke the reassurance he needed. He crossed the foyer in three steps and wrapped his arms around the stunned Lorelai, effectively stopping her in mid rant. He held her tightly, caressing her hair, and rubbing her back. He could feel the tension melting from her body, as she sank into his embrace.
"I'm so sorry," Luke whispered in her ear. "I know I say that a lot, but I mean it. We're gonna do this, Lorelai, but you've got to bear with me. I'm gonna work real hard at managing my anger. I love you and I love our kids."
"I love you too," Lorelai choked out, as she pulled back. "Now go check on your son."
Luke brushed the tears from her cheeks with his thumbs and kissed her tenderly. After Maria said her goodbyes, Luke went into Rory's old room and found Matthew curled up on the floor sound asleep. He squatted down and lifted the boy, holding his limp body to his chest. Luke rocked his son in his arms and kissed his tousled curls. Lorelai watched the tender moment, blinking back tears, as she locked eyes with Luke and smiled.