Nikki
Jack's been keeping me pretty close since everything that happened with Elsa – just to make sure I'm ok.
In A and E that evening – while we waited for his x-ray, he made me stand next to the vending machine whilst he put money in and pressed buttons. He then loaded my arms with; two packets of crisps, three chocolate bars and a can of coke.
"Eat." Was his instruction.
He was being even sweeter than usual – and it nearly made me cry. Once I'd had one and a half packets of crisps, I was pretty full, but he was so worried because I'd not eaten for so long, I finished them off anyway – to make him happy – and my bits of pizza later.
We all had a lovely evening that night. I know Jack did too – even though he maintains that he was hoping for a quiet evening with just me. It was good company, a nice pizza and a good film – 'Deep Blue Sea'.
We've all seen it before but that didn't stop Jack from jumping out of his skin every time a shark made an 'unexpected' appearance as he put it. Bless. The film is basically about sharks.
Can something really be 'unexpected' when we all knew it was coming?
We were both very tired when we got back home, so we just went straight to bed. Thomas never even batted an eyelid when Jack asked him to drop us both off at his flat at the end of the evening.
Last night, Jack stayed at mine – he wanted a change of scenery apparently.
He was very surprised to find some of his beer in the fridge, after all I haven't been home much – or had a reason to shop since the hospital extortion case – when we made up and of course, we weren't really talking for the months before that. He wanted to know if someone else drank his beer. They don't.
"Then how come you bought me beer when we weren't on speaking terms?" Was his intrigued comment.
I sighed then and responded rather shyly. "Because I automatically put you're beer in the trolley, when I go shopping, Jack – and I always have some in the fridge."
I felt a little self-conscious to tell the truth – because little things like that matter. It's the details that make it obvious how much I like being with him – and how difficult it was when he wasn't a 'fixture' in my everyday.
Old habits die hard.
I drove us to the call out this morning. Somebody important has been killed – something to do with the US Embassy and there is all sorts of red tape, so Thomas got called out too. Jack and I were a bit fed-up by the time Thomas arrived. Jack, in particular is not good at waiting around – he likes to get on with things. It's a shame really because he was actually quite enthusiastic about the call-out. He's discarded his dark blue forensic suit and is now wearing a pale blue one.
He's like a child with a new toy – or at least he was to start with! Since the waiting though, his earlier excitement has somewhat diminished.
Thomas finally arrives. The hold up is to do with jurisdiction – of course!
"Hey, we're still waiting for confirmation from Washington. Sorry!" an important-looking woman tells us.
"Who's Cinderella?" Jack retorts indignant at her unhelpful explanation, as she waltzes off.
FBI, apparently. Of course she is! We're then approached by a rather good-looking man.
"Matt Garcia – deputy chief commissioner."
That was the first time I met Matt.
The night I was rescued from Elsa's clutches, Jack and I had a 'deep' albeit brief conversation before we fell asleep. We agreed – though with definite reluctance, certainly on my part, that we would continue to 'date' other people. We are best friends and colleagues, that's all.
As far as I'm concerned, it's a pretty feeble way of trying to explain our relationship and I don't really understand it because it was Jack that brought it up - and I know how he feels about me – so why is he pushing me at other men?
I don't know whether he thinks he doesn't really deserve me, whether its what he really wants – or whether he's scared like me.
The thought of us being 'something more' totally terrifies me. He's my verybest friend in the whole world - and if it didn't work out, I don't think I could cope with losing him. There's also no one I'd rather work with and I'd lose that too. My track record with men is not good – and a lot of the men I've been with have ended up injured or dead. There is no way I'd risk that happening to Jack, so maybe he's right to draw the line. Harry, I think, had a lucky escape. Maybe, that's why Jack thinks we should just be friends – to keep himself safe – and of course, it hurt him a lot when I went missing, both in Mexico and when Elsa took me. Maybe he wants to save himself from more pain.
That's not the reason though. I know Jack – and keeping himself unhurt and safe from me will have never even crossed his mind.
Our friendship, however, has not changed since that conversation – and it's never been mentioned again. We've continued to stay with each other and we're as close as we were before. Like I said, it's like the conversation never actually happened. Did he have second thoughts straight after it?
I can see certain cogs turning though, when Matt turns up. There is an attraction there – I'll admit to that and although the fear of it going wrong and losing him is still in the back of my mind, but it doesn't scream at me the way it does with Jack.
I'm definitely afraid of losing Jack – and this seems to be what he wants. He's practically setting us up. Like I said, it's what Jack wants, so I'll go for it. Anything to make him happy.
I like Matt – and I'm slightly taken aback when he says he's 'googled me'. It's kind of flattering. I'm a bit shy though – I'm out of practise with this stuff. I flirt with Jack all the time, but this feels new and strange to me.
I stumble over my words a bit – which Matt appears to find endearing.
He asks me out in front of Thomas – sort of asking us both - out of courtesy, but definitely directing it at me. I feel a little embarrassed, because Thomas is like a Dad to me – like Leo was.
Diplomatic as ever, Thomas turns the offer to go to the 'Private Talk by Professor Helen Vine' down, but at the same time – perhaps sensing my embarrassment, subtlety gives me his fatherly permission.
I just think: what the hell. It's so long since I had the chance to dress up – so long since I've been invited to something by a man - and Matt asked me – so I'll go.
It's what Jack wants.
If Jack's happy for me – I'm bloody well going to enjoy myself.
Jack
Thomas tells Clarissa and I that Nikki has a date with Matt Garcia. He's a nice man – a fine species.
'Good for her' I think – she deserves the best and she's long overdue for being asked out. But I'm not as pleased for her as I thought I'd be. I told myself she's be happier with someone else. I told her that too – and Matt Garcia can definitely make her happy. He's perfect.
But he's not me – and the truth is, I want it to be me.
Judging by Thomas and Clarissa's reactions, I don't look as happy as I'm trying to be either.
"It's fine." I respond trying harder to sound cheerful. "I told her she had to date someone else."
They shake their heads in exasperation – but don't question me. Part of me wishes they had, but one thing is clear.
I need to work on my poker-face. Especially before Nikki notices.
Nikki comes in after a while – having been home to change. I can't take my eyes of her.
She's always beautiful, but this is something else. Whenever she's had to attend some formal occasion for work – which is generally the only sort of thing she does attend, she's usually in a dress that's dark coloured and plain.
This time, however, she is the most colourful, floral vision of loveliness I've ever seen. Flowers and patterns that set off her eyes and hair. I find myself completely unable to speak – or even to announce my - as yet, unnoticed presence in the kitchen doorway.
"Nikki!" Clarissa announces. "We didn't expect you back in today!"
"I keep my best shoes here!" She explains.
"Wow!" Thomas remarks coming out of his office. "You look beautiful, Nikki!"
"You sound surprised!" I splutter in genuine annoyance – suddenly finding my voice in indignation to his comment. "She always looks beautiful!"
Nikki
Oh bless him! He's genuinely annoyed that Thomas apparently didn't think I was beautiful before.
"Yes, Jack." Thomas sighs.
I hadn't actually realised Jack was there until now. He's being unusually quiet for some reason.
Jack
"You're really sweet, Jack, but I think Thomas actually meant it as a compliment." Nikki tells me – giving me a smile that just enhances her captivating looks even more – and does something to my heartbeat that I can't even describe.
I wish more than ever that I hadn't persuaded her to date someone else. If there was any way I could find to attend this 'do' – I would be right there, but Matt didn't invite me. He invited Nikki and Thomas – but mainly Nikki – and if I was there it would be like stepping on his toes. His very important toes.
I swallow – attempting to hide my bitter disappointment. "Have a lovely time, Nikki. You deserve it."
I don't see her again until we meet at the crime scene the next morning. It wasn't exactly a surprise. I can't tell her to date other men and still expect her to spend the night at mine – that wouldn't be right.
I miss her though – and I toss and turn all night.
Nikki
I had a good time at the 'party'. It was afterwards, when I was on my own again that was difficult.
I didn't see Jack until the next morning. I missed him – but it seems as if he wants to start putting some distance between us. Maybe he wants to find someone - to settle down with and that 'someone' is not me.
That's what I tell myself anyway – it's easier than admitting we're both scared by our growing feelings for each other.
How do you kill a plant? Stop giving it water.
Anyway, I'm respecting his decision and concentrating on Matt, so it didn't seem right to go to Jack after the 'party'.
Instead, I just went home and went to bed.
I toss and turned – and I can't even count the times I picked up my mobile to text or ring Jack to ask him to come over.
The victim is this morning is Helen Vine – the woman who gave the talk at the party I went to last night. She was nice.
"She offered me a job." I comment to Jack later when we're in the kitchen.
Of course that was a mistake.
He looks distraught. I can't help but touch his arm lightly by way of comfort.
"Hey, don't worry – I'm not going anywhere, Jack. I was flattered, that's all. I'm happy here."
With you. I want to add, but I decide it's better not too.
"You look tired - you didn't sleep last night, did you?" I comment – trying to sound as matter of fact as I can.
"No." He mutters. "This case is getting to me. I can't work it out. You look tired too." He adds.
It's obvious he's wondering – but he's not going to ask.
"I went home - on my own." I tell him – again in a matter of fact tone, answering his unasked question.
"None of my business." He mutters.
I sigh because it reminds me of his 'detached' response when I told him I was having therapy after Mexico.
Jack
I know that upset her. It wasn't meant too.
"Come here." I sigh, pulling her into a hug.
"Mmm." She murmurs, relaxing into me.
"I didn't mean to sound uninterested." I whisper.
We stay quiet in an embrace for short while.
"You have to tell me what you're thinking, Jack." She says softly. "I can't read your mind."
I'm thinking that I don't want to let go.
"That 'talk' we had." I start slowly. "When I told you to date other people, it wasn't for the reasons you think – and I need you to know that."
"Then tell me why." She answers. "Because I liked how things were – and I thought you agreed."
"They were lovely." I whisper. "I liked how things were too – but I need you to see whether you could be happier with someone else." I try to explain. "I just need to know that you are following your heart."
"Ok." She mutters.
I can see she doesn't really understand, so I try again. "I know you could be very happy with Matt, Nikki. I want that for you. Please – just give it a go and see whether it's what you really want."
"Ok." She says again. "But you have to try to find someone too."
Nikki
He doesn't think he's good enough. He thinks there's someone better.
Jack
When Matt comes to the Lyell again this afternoon, I try to cover my obvious disappointment at Nikki's interest in him, by playing the fool a bit. I pull faces behind Matt's back – indicating that I approve of him. Of course, Nikki's worried he might notice, so she shakes her head at me – scolding me for being an idiot, which makes both Clarissa and I chuckle.
But then I overhear what Matt says to her in the kitchen – and I don't really know what to feel. I want her to be happy – but I want her to be happy with me.
I feel torn.
"You know, if people are going to try and blow me up, I might as well not waste what time I have left here, so..." Matt comments.
I know what's coming. He's going to ask her on a proper date.
"...could I take you out?" And there it is.
Nikki has her back to me, but she sounds surprised. I'm not sure why.
"Really?" She asks.
"Well, yeah..." He continues. "...you're unbelievably easy on the eye. You've a brain the size of Canada, and for some reason, I feel like I've known you for years."
I couldn't have put it better myself. Still, I wish I'd said it. Then again, Nikki already knows that I think all that - and more.
Thomas interrupts them before she gives an answer. "Nikki, Matt, would you join us?"
"Is that a no?" I hear Matt inquire as we all head to the meeting room.
"Please go and have a good time with him." I whisper to her after the meeting thus causing her to make her mind up.
She deserves the best. My Nikki deserves the very best.