Seven Minutes in Purgatory
by James Doyle
*************
Nia Moseby tried her best to maintain an even temper as she approached her destination, with her co-worker Millicent riding shotgun.
"What are we doing in Southie?" whimpered Millicent through clenched teeth. "I never go to Southie."
"Somehow, I'm not surprised," snarked Nia. "Look, it's Amber's cousin's graduation party. I practically had to get down on my knees and beg her to let me bring you along."
"A graduation party," echoed Millicent. "With loud music, and all those people, and beer, and cigarette smoke. Nia, I don't think I can do this!"
"Oh, you're going to do this!" insisted Nia. "Even if I have to smash your kneecaps and carry you inside."
"Why are you making me do this?" asked Millicent.
"Because you're driving everyone at work crazy, and I promised Esteban that I'd loosen you up."
"Somehow, I don't think this is what he had in mind."
Nia grinned diabolically. "He didn't ask; I didn't tell."
Nia found a parking spot and led Millicent up to a second floor apartment. Nia knocked on the door, and Millicent froze solid as the most ruggedly handsome guy she'd ever seen answered the door.
"Hi, I'm Doug. Welcome to my shindig," greeted the young man. "And who might you ladies be?"
"Uh...uh..." shuttered Millicent, her eyes shifting back and forth nervously.
"I'm Nia, and this is Millicent," greeted Nia, pushing past Millicent to shake Doug's hand.
"Oh yeah, Amber's friends," acknowledged. "By all means, help yourselves to some munchies, mingle, have a good time!"
"You heard the man," goaded Nia, pushing Millicent into the room. They made the rounds in the incredibly crowded apartment, the raven-tressed Irish girl clinging to her black coworker for dear life. Eventually, Nia grew tired of having a hundred-pound appendage. Besides which, she really wanted Millicent to learn how to fly solo. Finally, she found her opportunity.
"Hey, Doug," greeted Nia as she suddenly found herself face-to-face with the guest of honor.
"Oh, hi again," replied Doug. "It's Nia, right?"
"That's right," confirmed Nia. "So Amber tells me you play soccer."
"Yeah, actually, I'm going to ZooMass on an athletic scholarship," elaborated Doug.
"You don't say," answered Nia. "Millicent loves soccer. Don't you, girl?"
"Uh...uh..." stammered Millicent as Nia shoved her in front of Doug.
"If yous will excuse me, I have to use the little girls' room," said Nia as she slipped away.
"So you like soccer," continued Doug.
"No," said Millicent. "I mean yes...I mean, I don't know...I mean...I never really thought about it."
"Okay," said Doug with an air of awkwardness in his voice. "I'm just gonna go get another beer."
Millicent stood like a statue in the middle of the floor, completely paralyzed as people ignored and maneuvered around her.
"Hey, I know you," greeted a familiar voice. Millicent turned to see a short scrawny kid, the only white kid she'd ever seen who could sport an afro, whom she immediately identified as one of Zack and Cody's friends. "You work at the Tipton. It's Mildred, right?"
"Millicent," she corrected. "And you're...Max?"
"I'm Mark," he corrected. "That's Max."
Mark directed Millicent's attention to a small crowd that had gathered around a slim, athletic brunette girl in a green jacket and army fatigues, showing off her moves as a song played.
How you choose to express yourself
It's all your own and I can tell
It comes naturally , it comes naturally
Max's arms, legs, shoulders, hips, and head, all gyrated in one continuous, fluid motion.
You follow what you feel inside
It's intuitive you don't have to try
It comes naturally , mmmm, it comes naturally
And it takes my breath away
What you do, so naturally
Max through out her arms and went absolutely insane as the chorus played.
You are the thunder and I am the lightning
And I love the way you know who you are
And to me it's exciting
When you know it's meant to be
Everything comes naturally, it comes naturally
when you're with me, baby
Everything comes naturally, it comes naturally
Bay bay baby
"Wow, she is amazing," marveled Millicent.
"Yeah," said Mark. "Mikayla's come out with some bitchin' tracks since she ditched the pit-bull of a manager."
"I'm talking about Max," argued Millicent.
"Oh," replied Mark. "Yeah, I've seen all of her moves. And I do mean all of her moves."
"Just what is that supposed to mean?" demanded Millicent.
"Hey, I may not look like I got it," boasted Mark, "But trust me, I got it."
"You're a pig!" retorted Millicent.
"Oink, oink, baby," said Mark with a grin.
Millicent stomped off in a huff in search of Nia, intent on demanding that she take her home. Unfortunately, she found her ebony friend engaged in a rousing game of tonsil-hockey with Doug. Feeling incredibly overwhelmed, she found an empty spot on the couch, trying to ignore the lip-locked couple next to her, who were quite oblivious to her.
Some time later, several different people had sat next to Millicent, most of whom ignored her, as she tried desperately to ignore them. She kept an eye out for Nia, who was nowhere to be found.
"Hear ye, hear ye," announced Steve, Doug's one-year-younger brother. "It is my solemn duty as Master of Ceremonies to ensure that Doug isn't the only one hooking up at this soirée."
Everyone except Millicent laughed.
"Now then," continued Steve. "We're going to play a classic party game known as 'Seven Minutes in Heaven.' I have, in my hands, two hats. One contains the name of each and every dude, and the other contains the name of each and every chick. I will draw the name of the first girl, who will draw the name of a guy. Those two will spend exactly four-hundred and twenty seconds doing I-don't-wanna-know-what in our spacious coat closet. Once they've finished, the guy will draw the name of another girl, who will draw the name of another guy, the two of whom will retire to the closet, and so on and so forth.
"Now, our first contestant is..." said Steve as he drew a name. "Barbara Brownstein."
"Please pick me, please pick me, please pick me," chanted the tall, stout, redheaded fellow as his Jewish-Japanese girlfriend drew a name, then showed it to Steve.
"Charlie Elderidge," announced Steve.
Bob and Barbara looked at each other longingly as the skinny dirty blond kid led her into the closet.
"Five, four, three, two, one," chanted the crowd as Steve prepared to open the door. As he did, the crowd cheered at the sight of Charlie and Barbara swapping spit. She froze in embarrassment as Bob looked on with horror.
"How could you?" demanded Bob as Barbara looked into his eyes, hoping to find mercy.
"I'm so sorry," apologized Barbara as she began to tear up. "It's just...he kind of reminded me of Cody."
"I don't wanna hear it," dismissed Bob as he headed for the door. "I'm sorry I ever cared about you."
"Bob, wait!" called Barbara as she chased after them.
"Well, that was awkward," said Steve after a few moments of silence. "I guess I'll have to pick the next couple."
The next three couples seemed to enjoy themselves a good deal more, and nobody else's heart got broken. Millicent felt relieved that the last couple was about to be drawn, and she wouldn't have to be the one in the closet. Just then, her luck ran out.
"And our next lucky lady is..." announced Steve. "Millicent Morgan."
Millicent froze solid, and began to wish she'd go into cardiac arrest at that moment, from which she wasn't far. Her hand, however, seemed to take on a life of its own as Steve passed the hat in front of her. Her hand froze in mid-air after drawing the slip, which Steve removed from her hand.
"And Millicent will be spending seven minutes in heaven with..." announced Steve. "Mark Zarkovsky."
"What?" Cried Mark and Millicent in unison. A couple of jocks picked them up and tossed them into the closet.
"You can do or not do whatever you want," said Steve. "But for the next seven minutes, this is your home. Have fun!"
With that, Steve closed the door. The pair sat silent for two minutes before Millicent felt compelled to speak up.
"I can't believe I'm stuck in here with you," whined Millicent.
"Me?" retorted Mark.
"Yeah," continued Millicent. "You shouldn't have made those crude remarks about Max. She's a sweet girl."
"Yeah, she is," agreed Mark, pausing a moment before speaking his peace. "Look, the truth is, there's nothing going on between me and Max. She only agreed to be my date because they wouldn't let me in this stupid party otherwise. And you're right! It was really sweet of her, and I repay her by talking about her like a piece of meat."
"Well, at least you're willing to own up to it," granted Millicent. "So you've never even kissed Max?"
"Believe me, I'd like to," admitted Mark. "To be honest, I've never kissed anyone."
"Not even that model you were dating?" asked Millicent, suddenly recalling something she'd overheard from the twins.
"Okay, okay!" admitted Mark. "I kissed her plenty. But she was such a bimbo that it felt like kissing a mannequin, I thought dating her was cool at first, but once I got to know her, there was nothing beyond that hot bod. Believe me, I'm glad that didn't work out. She's the only one."
"I've never kissed a boy at all," confessed Millicent, feeling somehow compelled to reciprocate Mark's candor.
"You know, maybe we should kiss," suggested Mark.
"Are you serious?" asked Millicent, noticing the glow of Mark's watch light.
"By my watch, we still have another two and a half minutes," noted Mark. "Nobody has to know."
Millicent gulped. "Okay, but make it quick."
No sooner had Millicent said this than she felt Mark's lips touch hers. The boy's breath left something to be desired, but she found sensation of young man gently playing with her lips not altogether unpleasant. Arousing even. In fact, she'd never felt so aroused in her entire life. The entire experience of his lips entwined with hers, and the sensation of his hands in her black hair were entirely unfamiliar, and overwhelming. Millicent found, as so often happened with new experiences, that her brain simply couldn't process what she was thinking and feeling. Her heart began to race, her breathing became shallow and erratic, and she felt the blood rushing out of her head as she lost consciousness.
When Millicent awoke, she found herself lying in the backseat of Nia's car, with freeway lights rushing by.
"How long was I out?" asked Millicent.
"About half an hour," supplied Nia. "I got a call from Carey, asking where we were. She is not happy."
When Moseby left to be the Cruise Director aboard the S.S. Tipton, Nia, not wanting to change schools again, made arrangements to stay with Carey Martin until she graduated. Millicent began to fear that this incident might jeopardize this arrangement.
"You don't think she's gonna tell Mr. Moseby, do you?" worried Millicent.
"Oh, I can be pretty sure she'll keep that on the down-low," assured Nia. "Uncle Marion is still technically her boss, and can still fire her."
"I'm sorry I got you into trouble," apologized Millicent.
"Nah, I got myself into trouble," argued Nia. "And in case you were wondering, hooking up with Doug was a total disappointment."
"I'm sure you had a better evening than I did," countered Millicent. "I couldn't even get through a kiss without fainting."
"Don't worry," assured Nia. "The first one's always the hardest. You won't be as nervous next time."
"If there is a next time."
"Trust me girl: There will be."
*************
The following Saturday, Millicent had just finished her shift when Mark came through the door.
"Hi," Millicent greeted timidly.
"Hi," said Mark with equal awkwardness. "How's it going?"
"Good, you?" Millicent answered quickly, not looking him in the eye.
"Can't complain," replied Mark, also avoiding eye contact.
"Mark."
"Yes, Millicent?"
"Look at me," she commanded.
Mark and Millicent looked into each other's eyes, and to their great surprise, didn't feel the least bit nervous, queasy, or light-headed.
"Wow," marveled Millicent. "I didn't think I'd ever be able to do that."
"What can I say?" replied Mark, playing with his collar. "When you got it, you got it. And I got it."
Millicent giggled at Mark's bravado.
"Is everything alright between you and Max?" asked Millicent.
"Yeah, we're still friends," answered Mark. "Bob and Barbara are history, though."
"Yeah, that was really sad," sympathized Millicent.
Mark paused for a moment before making his request.
"Look, Millicent," began Mark. "What happened the other night didn't exactly happen under the best of circumstances and I was wondering if maybe...we could try again?"
Millicent smiled diabolically as she placed the "closed" sign on the candy counter, then took Mark by the hand and dragged him off to the nearest utility closet.
The End
I wanted a Mikayla song for this story, but seeing as she only has one, I fictionalized a Selena Gomez song.
Credits are as follows:
"Naturally" Written by A. Armato, T. James, & D. Karaoglu
Originally performed by Selena Gomez & the Scene
From the Album Kiss & Tell (2009)
Notes on the pairing:
Millicent has been sighted working at the hotel candy counter a number of times in the SLOZAC.
Mark is a friend of Zack and Cody's who first appeared in the episode – 'Summer of Our Discontent' in SLOZAC.