Author's notes: Hi folks! This is another chapter for „The trials and tribulations of Agrippina Valeria Tullius". Chapter 21 already, my oh my! A shout-out to athena9090: Thank you for listing this story as "favourite". In this chapter, Agrippina will do some field research in the Rift. Then she'll share her own special "night to remember" with Shaglak the orc. Unlike in the mod, Agrippina will also sing a drinking song. Hooray! Please don't forget the reviews.
Disclaimer: Project AHO is intellectual property of Dimonoider, blah, blah, blah…
Field research in the Rift and poor lonely Shaglak
I had woken up from sleep in the Chitin & Flin guestroom. I did a cat wash then I ordered an apple pie for breakfast. Dalos Verendas grumbled something about "unhealthy eating habits" but it was my kriffing body, right? After eating the pie I grabbed a quill, inkwell and paper to write to my father.
Dear dad,
during the next days I'll do some field research in the Rift. I still owe master Yen-Ilu a few favours. Gonna explore the outskirts of Avanchinzel. Evo Mils, the top Morag Tong, is still cross with me. So that's also a reason to go travelling again. Then I agreed to mend a precious pendant so hopefully I'll stumble over a gold ingot and a silver ingot.
How are you doing in Solitude? I hope you weren't "molested" by any more lusty women. Please stay away from Sybille Stentor! She's creepy.
Love you
Agrippina
Then I folded the paper, sealed it and wrote "to general Valerian Tullius, Castle Dour, Solitude" on the backside. Maybe I could find a courier on my way to the Rift. I packed my gear, girded my ancient Dwemer sword and left Sadrith Kegran just as Bralys Sendu and Maren Dwyn returned with a reindeer carcass tied to a stem. Slyboots was skipping along behind me. The first part of our journey led to Kynesgrove where I gave Draynea the stone-weaver a bowl of ancient frost salts. These poor miners in Steamfire Mine needed cooling potions urgently. It was the only major deposit of malachite in all of Skyrim.
Then I followed the road sign saying "Rifton". The cobbled road ran past Mistcliff Camp, Mzulft, Breakbone Cave, past North Wall Peak all the way to Shor's Stone, another mining village. Red Belly Mine was an ebony pit, also the only one of its kind in Skyrim. They'd had problems with a frostbite spider infestation but the famous Dragonborn had taken care of the matter. The blacksmith allowed me to stay with him for the night but his hospitality didn't extend to poor Slyboots. She screeched sullenly and went hunting. The next morning I ate a light breakfast and found a courier to send my letter. He asked 20 septims for delivery. I paid him and went on search for Slyboots. I found her in front of Shor's Watchtower in a small circle of four dead Rifton guardsmen. Oh dear! So I asked her suspiciously: "Was that you girl?"
She shuffled her wooden claws on the ground and wrote: "Ye-es. But they started it!"
I rolled my eyes and said: "Oldest excuse in the book! But what's done is done. Let's leave this village urgently but silently."
Slyboots bent down and wrote in the dust: "But what about a second helping?"
I placed my hands on my hips and shouted: "We. Leave. Now!" Impossible spriggans aside, it was a beautiful day. The air in the Rift was always so balmy. The hold was close to Cyrodiil and Morrowind after all. There were birch trees, birch trees as far as the eye could see, and squash pumpkins every few steps. I harvested one. Together with cream and exotic spices it would make a tasty soup. Then we climbed up the ridge to lake Honrich at a shallow part. Lake Honrich was famous for its salmon. But Avanchinzel lay at the other shore and several miles west. I didn't want to spend hours walking along the shore. So I "borrowed" a rowing boat from a nearby jetty.
I explained to Slyboots how rowing a boat worked. The most important thing was synchronising the strokes of the oars. Slyboots screeched and nodded eagerly. We went on board and rowed all the way west to Corewood Mill. Then we headed south and ran afoul of a small pack of wolves. But I and Slyboots made short work of them. A few more steps and I stood before the entrance to Avanchinzel. It was a gaping tunnel mouth that made my skin crawl. It wasn't just the cold air. Somehow I knew that something terrible had happened in there. Then I turned left and saw it. A huge dish-like array of metal beams, struts and rings rose from the ground. Beneath it, large pistons went up and down and flames shot out of the pipes at regular intervals. Okay I'm impressed so sue me. Slyboots' screech also sounded awed.
I went through a door, mounted some stairs and stood on a platform. This platform held a Dwemer cube holder socket. That's what serjo Selthrie had been looking for! I took a piece of charcoal from my pocket and drew a crude sketch in my diary. Beneath it I wrote "launching site?".
Then we went to Rifton to spend the night at the Bee & Barb. But I had to leave Slyboots behind at the stables again. Meh! Then I bought one of Talen-Jei's famous cocktails and went to bed. The next morning I broke my fast, paid the tab and rented the carriage to Windhelm. I had to pay extra again for Slyboots-transport. From Windhelm we walked to Sadrith Kegran giving each giant camp a wide berth. But there was no escaping the wildlife. I had to take care of several wolves and even a mangy sabre cat. Slyboots was a great help as always. At sunset we reached Sadrith Kegran. I chose to let master Yen-Ilu wait. I was in need of some entertainment and those huge Dwemer constructs wouldn't go anywhere over night. So I sold my spoils of the trip at Shaglak's store.
He was being his old nasty self again but I'd had enough. So I asked him: "What's your fucking problem Shaglak? I'm a free woman and starting to become a pillar of Sadrith Kegran's community. Why are you still so unpleasant?"
Shaglak grunted and said: "It's nothing personal, girl. I'm just one of those orcs who get nicer with every cup of booze they drink. Do you want to give me a chance at Chitin & Flin?"
Getting tanked alongside Shaglak? Huh that would be a new one. I thought. Then I said: "Okay I'll take you up on your offer Shaglak. But am I allowed to take my own drinks to Chitin & Flin? I still have this bottle of Kram Bam Bula."
Shaglak smiled from tusk to tusk. "That sounds great! And if Dalos starts nagging I'll give him a piece of my mind. My adopted brother he may be but that's where the obligations end."
We walked to the inn and sat down at a cosy little table to the left. I took the bottle from my backpack and unwrapped it from several layers of cloth. Didn't want to break that precious bottle now did we? I poured us both our respective mugs and took my first gulp. Oh blessed Sanguine! I got beet-red in the face, my eyes started to water and steam blew out of my ears. Master Yen-Ilu should be tried by a court for that!
Shaglak started to laugh and jeered: "You're a little virgin who can't hold her liquor!" But after his first cup he started an emotional speech. "You know my actual name is Yarog gro-Shak. That was engraved on the dagger which was found alongside me. My birth-mother, she's been dumping me like garbage in a shrub near Narzulbur. That's where Bralys found me. He could have killed me; he could have raised me as a slave… But he brought me to Sadrith Kegran and consul Marisa Verendas adopted me. Marisa, she's a decent woman she is. Made me take up the slave trade. I owe her a lot. That was thirty years ago. But let me tell you a little secret: I'm getting too old and soft for abducting unsuspecting travellers. But when mother says 'Hunt them slaves…' I'm sorry for capturing you for all it's worth."
I beamed and said: "That's the sweetest thing you've said up till now!" I finished my cup and got in the spirits. I shouted: "This evening calls for a song, Shaglak. It's an old drinking song from Cyrodiil. You'll love it."
Then I started to sing and my voice got more slurred with every mug I drank.
In Cyrodiil, on the western plains
Once upon a time and long ago.
There lived a bunch of noble knights
who weren't scared of anything.
(chorus) Yes those were, yes those were, yes those were them famous knights of old. Drink they did, drink they did, those famous knights of old.
Look, I can't tell you all the stories
of the knights and of their glories.
Because what they did and how
is better suited for the late-late-show.
Nordic knight sir Yorleif
had a tattooed Bosmer wife.
When he couldn't sleep at night
he enjoyed the picture show.
Glorfindel lord paramount,
mounted his horse the wrong way round.
Because he always wanted to see
what went on behind of him.
On the tower there's a watchman
scanning the horizon far.
That nothing and no one may dare
to crap in his castle yard.
For breakfast, lunch and supper too
they stuffed out like the well-to-do.
One of them has munched too much,
ate until his belly burst.
Galant knight sir Alexander,
he just loved to slide down the handrail.
At the lower end a nail stuck out
since that day he sings in the little boys' choir.
(Meeh, meeh-meeh-meeeeh)
When such a knight went on a journey
he slapped his lady wife in shackles.
But crafty squire Frederic,
the boy had a lock-pick.
Knightly miss Ethelward,
she was pregnant from a Redguard
But she said 'I don't care whether black or white'.
The main thing is, it's not an elf.
When such a knight did need to pee
he took a leak inside his armour.
If the visor wasn't open
that poor sod did have to drown.
Breton knight by the name of Neville
boy he was such a gay devil!
Built a wire in his ass
that lightning may strike there from time to time.
When such a knight wanted to fuck
he needed to climb out of his armour first.
He lost his lust over the ordeal.
That's why they're extinct today.
Yes those knights, they are no more.
They disbanded long ago.
Only the spirits of the latter
may still haunt the crypts and barrows.
After I was hoarse as a Dunmer things started to become fuzzy and blurred. Shaglak went down to the counter to say something or other to Dalos. And tanked little me fainted.
When I woke up again I had an *EEEEP* effect. Huge mudcrab alert! But the critter was thankfully dead. I sat up with a start but regretted it instantly. My poor head almost split in two. Ow! Looks like I overdid it last night. I said this to myself. Then the Kram Bam Bula crept up my throat again and I retched into the nearby river. Note to self: never ever try to outdrink an orc again. I wiped my mouth and took a look around. Trees, lots of spruce trees, the artificial river, the glaring headlight… I was at the Dwemer farm. Maybe I should ask Shaglak how I got here. So I clambered to my feet and realized the trouble I was in. To get to the other side of the river I had to cross it on a fallen tree. Doing balancing acts while you are hung over? That might prove problematic Agrippina…
In the end, I opted against dignity, straddled the trunk and slid across it. Then I walked back to the main compound of Sadrith Kegran. The conversation with Shaglak proved to be interesting. He'd stumbled last night and cracked a tusk on the counter. Seemingly I had transported him to Tamina Elenil on the back of a huge mudcrab. And Tamina had healed his tusk. What a story! Shaglak had gifts for me, too. He gave me 50 septims and three bottles of aged Orsimer whiskey. That utter bastard! I was still nursing my last intoxication and he gave me more booze. Now would you believe that?
I faked thankfulness and left to find master Yen-Ilu. Time to get sober again and nothing but science is best at that.
Author's notes the second: I made Slyboots responsible for the massacre at Shor's watchtower because in the game, there's no clue to who the real culprit is. So I blamed it on the poor, poor Halloween spriggan. Mean me!
The song that Agrippina sings is based on the infamous Bavarian drinking song "Ja so warn's die alten Rittersleut". Yup it's Oktoberfest time. This song was immortalized by the Bavarian boygroup "The Hotdogs". You may check it out on YouTube. But I warn you: You might not understand one word they sing 'cause it's not just German, it's Bavarian dialect.