Endure

Pain

Apartment

Getting about the apartment on crutches was exhausting. His care team and Severide would tell Casey it was because he still wasn't eating enough but he just put it down to the fact that he was now weak and didn't feel like he'd ever be as strong as he once was. He'd fallen asleep on the couch not long after Severide had left for his shift and had then woken up in a state, he couldn't remember what he had dreamed of and he was thankful but the anxiousness it had brought about did not abate. He remained on the couch for rest of the day and night, he didn't eat and barely sipped at the glass of orange juice that Severide had given him at breakfast time.

Severide walked into the apartment with a bag of groceries, he'd not had chance to do a big shop for a while and ended up topping up their cupboards most mornings after shift. The place was a mess of unpacked boxes and the heating was turned up high. Severide knew he'd end up sitting around in just a t-shirt whilst Casey would still be wearing a hoody with blanket over his lap. He expected Casey to still be in his room, sleeping late as he had most likely woken in the middle of the night and despite telling to call him whatever the time was he never did. He was surprised to find him sat up on the couch. After he putting the shopping down he looked at Casey and realised why he was not in his room; the circles under Casey's eyes were even darker than before and the glass he had given him more than twenty four hours ago was in front of him in the coffee table.

"Hey," he greeted him.

Casey was slow to respond, if looking up from the floor to Severide and back again could be called response.

"You had breakfast?" Severide asked although he even doubted he'd eaten anything at all yesterday never mind this morning.

"Yeah," Casey muttered. Severide didn't call him out on the lie and decided to leave him be for a while as he put the shopping away and confirmed his theory when he opened to cupboards and fridge to see the same amount of food as he had before he'd left for work. He sighed and glanced worryingly over to Casey. The TV was on but he wasn't watching it, he was still gazing down at the floor with a blank expression across his pale face. He'd been doing so well but now he seemed to be back at square one and the worst part about it was that he didn't know what had gone wrong.

"You call that girl?" Severide called from the kitchen hoping to get a bit more life out his friend.

"What girl?" he barely heard Casey reply.

"That gorgeous blonde who fell on your lap two days ago?" Severide said as he walked over and joined Casey on the sofa.

"Oh, no," Casey replied despondently.

"You should," Severide suggested.

Casey just shrugged non-committedly in response.

"Thought we could just spend the day in, unpack some more of these boxes. It's raining so bad outside, some storm is coming over from somewhere," he explained, "Unless you wanna go out?"

"I don't," Casey said quietly.

Before Severide got up from the couch he placed a gentle reassuring hand onto Casey's shoulder, he ignored him flinching and went to tackle some of the unpacked boxes.

By the time Severide gave up with unpacking it was the middle of the afternoon, he'd skipped lunch and he'd not seen Casey move from the sofa all day. He collapsed heavily down onto the couch, "I need some fresh air. Who knew how tiring it was just moving things around!"

"Doesn't help that you're having to unpack my stuff too," Casey replied glumly.

"Nah, I don't mind. I get to nosey through all you things," he smiled. He felt pangs of hunger and looked down at his wristwatch, "Missed lunch, no wonder I'm starving; what d'ya want?"

"I'm not hungry," Casey replied; Severide would have bet on that answer.

"Case…" Severide sighed, "What's happened? I left for shift and you seemed ok and now…"

"I am ok," he objected.

"You're ok?" Severide repeated with disbelief, "I don't think you've eaten anything for more than twenty-four hours… actually it must be nearly forty-eight hours now."

Casey winced at his raised voice.

Severide took a deep breath to calm down, knowing yelling was not the way forward. "Did they do something with food?" he asked trying to understand.

"What?" Casey asked with confusion evident in his tone.

"Nesbitt and his guys did they force you to eat something or something else to do with food?" Severide clarified.

He shook his head. "No… I wanted to ask, I was hungry, but I didn't," he admitted shamefully.

"But they gave you water?" Severide wondered.

"Most the time," Casey replied.

"Most the time?" Severide repeated worriedly.

"I…" Casey hesitated, "I asked for some, I was desperate," he spoke slowly and averted his eyes away, "But they gave me vodka, I think, it… after that everything really started to fall apart, I couldn't tell if they were with me or not, there was no way I was getting out of there, I could barely remember my own name never mind answer their questions so they…"

"There were track marks," Severide said openly. "What did they give you?" he urged, the only good thing about Caseys current lethargic state was his lack of control and willingness to talk.

"Morphine," he replied evenly, "And lots of it." He frowned, thinking, "I didn't understand why at first… but then… I've never been in so much pain." He was breathing heavily now, tears threatened to fall. He could still feel the agony shooting up and down his body like bolts of lightning.

"You're shaking," Severide stated and he looked down at his hands to see them trembling.

"It's still in my head," Casey said as he tried to regain control of his breathing, it felt like he could barely get any air.

"I thought the pills were helping?" Severide asked.

"They are," he replied and Severide frowned, "This is different. I can just feel it."

"What can I do?" Severide urged, he didn't understand but he wanted to help, but Casey just shook his head as the tears continued to fall. Slowly Severide moved to take both Casey's hands in his, he didn't know what else to do and he didn't want to startle him. Casey felt Severides warm hands on his cold ones, they were rubbing small circles on the back of them soothingly. "You're ok; you're not in pain," Severide spoke.

Casey nodded, "I'm ok." His breathing started to slow down. "I'm ok, I'm ok…" he repeated to himself. "I can't keep doing this," he said once he'd stopped trembling, "I can't do it anymore Kelly."

"You're just having a bad day, that's all. Remember all the good days you've had; you were a natural when you got your crutches. I won't lie I was expecting you to fall on your ass but no you picked it up straight away and then went on to get someone's number," he smiled. "This is just a bad day," he tried to reassure him.

"I just want it to end," Casey muttered.

"I can't promise you when that will happen or even if it will happen, we're just gonna take it day by day; hour by hour if we need to," he replied gently. "You know," he sighed, "When I don't eat I feel like crap…"

"Please don't make me eat," Casey pleaded.

"Not eating isn't going to end this," Severide said softly, "In fact it's doing the opposite." Casey looked away shamefully and Severides heart sank, "You said you didn't want to kill yourself?"

Casey frowned but still kept looking away from his friend, "Maybe I just said that to stop you from worrying… I'm a burden…"

"No, no, don't think like that. If this situation were reversed would you see me as a burden?" Severide asked urgently and Casey shook his head. "And I know you meant it when you said you didn't want to kill yourself because I know you don't want to die Casey! If you did you wouldn't have fought so hard to survive! That positive attitude you had the other day; that wasn't a lie, it wasn't some façade you put up, it was real, you and I both know it was."

Casey shook his head, "I didn't try to survive. I just did and I wish I hadn't."

Severide felt a tear run down his face but he didn't say anything, he had no words to comfort Casey because he couldn't comprehend how he was feeling, how confusing and scary everything seemed, how his mood seemed to flip from good to bad instantly with no warning, how he was constantly battling his own memories and thoughts.

After a long moment's silence Severide asked, "Do you want to hurt yourself?"

Slowly Casey nodded, "Don't they say that new pain distracts you from old pain?"

Severide could suddenly understand one of the reasons he wasn't eating; it was distracting him from the pain he was in. However he remembered weeks ago Casey had tried something similar. "In the hospital when you refused your meds you said it didn't work; you were still in pain."

"I just want it to stop," Casey admitted miserably, "You're going to take me to the hospital, aren't you?"

"I think at very least you need see Lawson sooner than your next appointment," Severide explained, "I'll call his office tomorrow. We can see him together if you want. I'm going to call your doctor too because we've not even managed to maintain your weight right now, ok?" Severide said, careful not to use an accusatory 'your.'

"I said I was coping last time," he replied dejectedly.

"And you are; this is just a bad day," Severide reassured him, "Now will have something eat? For me? To stop me worrying that you're just going to disappear," he asked gently. Severide didn't want to bribe him but if it was the only way he was going to get any food down Casey he had to do it.

"Ok," Casey replied quietly.

Severide brought a small bowl of soup, some toast and high calorie food bar. He watched from the corner of his eye as Casey slowly and shakily brought the spoon up to his mouth and ate the soup, he left the toast and food bar. "You should at least have this if you don't want the toast," Severide stated as he picked up the silver covered food bar from the coffee table ready to pass it to him.

He shook his head, "I don't need that, they're for people doing marathons, mountaineering and stuff..."

"You do need it," Severide countered.

"Well I don't want it. I'm going to bed," he stated. Severide just watched as he fumbled with his crutches and got up off the couch before slowly making his way to his room.

The door slammed open, "Get up Matt, we've got a guest!"

His head was pounding fiercely from the forced alcohol and lack of food; even if he wanted to he couldn't move.

"I said get up!" the voice yelled viciously.

Suddenly he was pulled to his knees, he was still squinting against the light that shone into the room from the door but he saw someone dragged to their knees in front of him

"Blindfold them," the voice commanded.

"No," Casey uttered and a fist slammed into the side of his face making the world even dizzier as something was placed over his eyes and fastened tightly.

"We've given you so many chances to tell the truth Matt," the man drolled, "Now your roommate gets to suffer."

"Kelly?" Casey called suddenly out in panic.

"Gag him," the man ordered.

"No don't," Casey pleaded, "Kelly?"

He tried to double over in pain as foot slammed into his chest but the hands that were holding him up were strong.

"The only thing I want to hear coming for your mouth is the truth, anything else and I won't be hurting you I'll be hurting your friend here," the man said maliciously.

"Please…" he began in panic but he stopped himself as soon as he heard a grunt of pain come from in front of him.

He could feel the man's breath on his cheek as he spoke evenly, "The truth Matt. Where is the notebook?"

"I don't know, please, she didn't tell me," he replied quickly only to hear another grunt of pain, "I'd tell you if I knew. I'm not lying," he voice cracked.

"Tell me where it is!" the man yelled.

"I don't know!" he tried to yell back but barely managed to raise his voice. There was another grunt of pain.

"It's not just your life at stake here Matt," the man spoke calmly; his sudden anger had been dismissed.

"I don't know where it is," he repeated.

There was another grunt of pain and he could feel his tears wetting the blindfold around his eyes.

"Do you think I'm bluffing? I won't hesitate to kill either one of you!" the man threatened.

"Like Katya?" he blurted out. "You shouldn't have killed her. I don't know anything else," he said trying to keep his voice from quivering in panic.

Something slammed into his side and the strong hands holding him let go. The door slammed shut.

"Kelly?" he called out into the darkness, "Sev? I'm sorry, are you ok? Sev?" he heard nothing and slowly brought his painful hands up to his face to pull off the blind fold.

Severide woke up, he glanced over to see the time and realised something was terribly wrong. The red light that usually emanated from his digital alarm clock was non-existent, there was no light coming through the cracks in his bedroom door and the whole apartment seemed way too silent. He couldn't hear Casey's TV or the hum of the refrigerator. It was definitely too quiet. He scrambled around for his phone and turned the torch on. He looked through his curtains to see the street lights off and the rain still hammering down; the power was out. His heart sank when he realised Casey's room would have also been plunged into darkness.

He edged over to Casey's room and as he got closer he could hear quiet whimpering, he opened the door and shined the light into the room.

"Oh God."

TBC