Note: I am so incredibly stuck after this chapter you don't even know. There's a minor twist I've been wanting to get to, but now I'm wondering if I should just skip the entire thing and end this puppy already. :\ Opinions? Arggh, it's so hard to explain! It basically boils down to: introduce another character, or not? (If I didn't, the summary for this fic would be technically wrong…) SIGH!

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Chapter 21

(Sora's POV)

Riku's the biggest idiot I have ever met in my entire life.

About a half hour after coming back home (after Riku made a scene in the middle of the damn street and nearly killed himself) I got worried. Dad came back from work and I told him everything that had happened. (Well, a sugar-coated version anyway.) We went out to look for him, but the only place I thought to look for him was the beach. I don't know where it is he's always running off to, but the beach was the only place I could think of. It was the only thing in the direction Riku was running.

We arrived at the beach quickly, only to find Riku collapsed on the sand, dripping wet, lips nearly blue. We got him home somehow and called Sandy. So she came over to help, and we were able to get my dumbass boyfriend to the point where he could actually wake up.

Now it's just him and me, in our room. He's in bed, I'm just sitting by him, on a chair I pulled from Riku's desk. Neither of us speak. I can't believe him. He could have died. Seriously, what goes through his mind when he does stuff like this?

"Sora…" He mutters. For what feels like the hundredth time today, I start crying again. Not just crying, either-- I'm sobbing. I feel so helpless. Why can't I help Riku? Why is he acting like this? Why does he have to be my entire freaking world?

It's stupid, but in this instant I'm so mad at him I slap him, hard. He gasps, out of pain rather than surprise.

"How can you be so stupid?" I start ranting at him, probably sounding like an idiot through the tears and sniffling. "First you come home drunk, then you suddenly start taking medication… only to stop just as suddenly, then you decide it'll be fun to go swimming in the ocean in the middle of January? I'm sorry, are you crazy or are you trying to sabotage everything good in your life?"

"I'm sorry." Two words. But they seem to make everything a bit better.

"It's okay."

Riku smiles. The realest, most sincere smile I've seen on him in a long time. One hand limply hangs over the side of the bed, and I take it in my own. His hands are even more freezing than usual. Well… duh. Of course they are. He almost froze and/or drowned to death.

"Your hands are warm."

I decide that now would not be the best time to ask him if he wants to know how warm the rest of me is. Riku turns his head to sneeze, and coughs a few times afterward. Sandy comes in, looking almost cheerful. But that's just… her. No matter what she's smiling, because she can always find the bright side to any situation.

"You're a lucky boy, Riku. Sora and Mike found you just in time."

"I know." He mutters, closing his eyes. He whispers to me, "Do you know how many times doctors have told me how lucky I am…?"

"Too many." I answer, even though I don't know the number. Actually, I'm afraid to know, now that I think of it.

"We were all worried." She continues. "But you know that. There's no point in guilting you. Rest up, okay?"

"Okay."

She flashes a quick smile and leaves us.

"Riku…?" I know I'm probably just asking for it, just begging to start a fight, but I just have to know one thing: "Were you trying to kill yourself?" He rolls his eyes and makes a sound that's almost a snort or a grunt.

"No," he replies. "I just… I don't know. I wasn't thinking. Really. I didn't make the conscious decision to go out and almost drown. It just…sort of… happened." I don't respond. I believe him. I think. "I guess I just had a breakdown. It's happened before." Huh? Please Riku, no more surprises. "Just once. It was also due to a change in meds, so… just don't worry about it." He squeezes my hand. "I don't want to hurt you. I never meant to…"

"Don't worry about it." I repeat his words back to him. "I know you didn't." A pause. "When were you on meds before? And how come you never told me?"

"Honestly, I just remembered. And I think it was because my parents just got sick of dealing with me." I scowl at that but look over to see Riku… smiling? "I think it only lasted about as long as it did this time around. I guess I just forget how badly antidepressants and I mix." He shrugs casually and turns over.

"I'm sorry."

"Huh?"

"You're probably just trying to go to sleep and I'm sitting here blabbing at you. You must be really tired…"

"I don't mind. I'm sick of sleeping, anyway." He sighs. "I've said this before, but I'm just sorry you have to put up with all of my dumb crap…" I just smile.

"You put up with mine, I put up with yours. Fair's fair."

He laughs weakly, bitterly. "Except that I have enough angst for the two of us, and your dad as well."

"I'm just better at hiding it." I joke. But Riku doesn't take it that way.

"Are you?" He asks. I laugh, shrugging.

"I don't know. Maybe!"

"So you've never had a total nervous breakdown?" I think he's joking now, but I can't really be too sure. I shrug again.

"I'm usually good at handling things, I guess. I mean, I don't seem like it… but…" He sighs. Or maybe I do. It's such an unconscious act that we're not paying any attention.

"But…?" He presses.

"That was it." I assure him. A pause. "I mean, there were sometimes that I really just wanted to die. I considered acting out on it… a few times. I was like, eight. You know… dumb, young, I didn't even know what that meant."

"Sora... what are you saying?"

"Nothing. I'm an idiot… that's all. I wasn't even talking…"

"Sora--"

"You go to sleep. I'll bring up some soup in a little while. Sound good? Great!" And I rush downstairs.

Well.

That was weird.

This has been an interesting night.

Shaking my head, I walk into the kitchen, finding some chicken noodle soup and heating it up.

I'm not sure where any of that came from… I'm just better at hiding it? What? That's not me at all. Yeah, I can laugh things off. I think that's a positive trait, though, and God knows I don't really have that many of those. True, my mom did have a boyfriend once who made me want to die. But I'd never actually act out on it, actually kill myself. Even when I'd think about it… the good always overweighs the bad, if I try hard enough. It was like a "what if?" question. 'What if I weren't here?'

Besides, if I actually went through with it, my mom would probably think I did it just to inconvenience her.

Haha, the selfish bitch…

Hey, soup's ready.

--

It's a bit of a struggle to get Riku to eat, but I manage to do it. As he sips at the soup I explain to him what I meant to say when I kind of… lost it about a half hour ago.

"I'm rubbing off on you." He says, after I finish explaining myself. "Pretty soon you'll be the one jumping into traffic."

"I can hardly wait."

He gives me another sincere smile.

I love you so much Riku.

Stop making me crazy.

After he finishes his dinner, Riku falls asleep. I glance over at the clock--it's 9:32 PM-- and realize how exhausted I am. I don't even get into bed. I fall asleep sitting up.

I wake up at 6AM exactly. Riku's sleeping soundly, a tiny smile on his face, fingers twitching. Well, at least he's happy. And not having nightmares for once. I get up and stretch. My neck is stiff and my back is really sore. Sleeping in a chair won't rank as one of my best ideas. I slowly make my way over to the calendar on the wall. I grab a pen from the desk and start crossing out days that we kind of neglected to cross out. It's not exactly January 18th anymore. It's February…. 9th, I think. Not that I care too much, really, but it gives me an excuse to stand up. May as well take a shower while I'm up… clear my mind, see if the heat helps my back any.

…Okay, so it really doesn't, but it kills about a half hour before Riku's up. Still looking a bit…paler… than usual, but he seems alright. He's dressed and out of bed, and that's an improvement. He's even reading, so something in him has gone back to normal.

"How're you feeling?" I ask.

"I'll live." He replies without so much as looking up.

"Glad to hear it."

I walk over and sit down next to him, stroking his hair once. "Are you really going to be okay?"

"Fine." He slumps over a little, sighing. "I think I got a cold." Not surprising. But still, taking care of him for the remainder of the weekend shouldn't be too bad. It'll be my excuse to blow off studying for my science test coming up.

Come to think of it, I hope Riku's missing school so much doesn't start to effect his grades or anything. He slept through school on meds a couple of times after that first time, and now there's no way he can go in this state, and I doubt he'll be magically better by Monday. Midterms are coming up, too…

Stupid school.

"What do you want for breakfast?" I ask absently, mainly for the sake of starting conversation.

"Not hungry."

Huh. He must really not be feeling well.

"You sure…?" he looks up at me, almost smiling. Almost.

"Yeah. You go ahead… by all means…" I shrug and leave, promising I'll be right back.

After I finish eating, I head upstairs only to find that I've been locked up.

Was this his plan all along?!

"Uh, Riku? Are you okay…?"

"I'm sick." He says simply, from the other side of the door. "I don't want you to get sick, too."

"But… I'm supposed to… take care of you…"

"I can take care of myself." I pause, not wanting to argue, but not exactly wanting to leave him be, either.

"Alright… but if you need me…"

"I'll tell you."

"And leave the door open? Please?" It's my room too, after all. You dummy.

A pause.

"Okay."

Huh. That was easy.

I sneak upstairs sometime in the afternoon, totally unsurprised to find Riku asleep. I haven't heard a peep from him since this morning. He's looking pretty good, though. I can't wait until he's back to normal and quits sleeping so much.

I sit next to him and stroke his hair, startled when he mutters something and shifts around. But he doesn't wake up. A minute or so passes and I decide it's probably best to just leave him alone. I'll bring him some soup later or something.

Get better, Riku. Please.

--

The week after Riku gets better is just stressful as when he was sick. School hits us both with more projects and finals than we can count, and we hardly even see each other because our schedules are so conflicting. I come straight home and then head to Kairi's to study, Riku stays late and goes to bed before I'm back.

But I just take solace in knowing it's all done with and I feel good about my grades for once, and Riku seems to be somewhat normal. And I'm feeling good, too.

But now I'm concentrated on Valentine's Day, which is coming up sooner than I expected. This is the first time that I'm actually dating someone when this stupid little holiday rolls around, and I'm not sure what to do. Riku's not as much of a romantic as I am, if you could call me romantic. Whenever I even try to bring it up, he just snorts and rolls his eyes.

Except I think I know what I want to do, and I just know he's going to enjoy it more than he lets on.

This year, Valentine's Day ends up on a Friday. Riku's staying at school late again, so I get a chance to start preparing.

First I start making these little chocolates that Selphie made once around Halloween. There's dark and milk chocolate and peanuts and they're really fantastic. I'm really careful to get everything perfect, even down to my timing. I want them to be done before Riku gets home, but I don't want them to be sitting out for too long. But the hard part's done, and now all I have left to do is sit and wait for the timer on the oven to beep.

Dad gets home a few minutes before the timer goes off. No sign of Riku yet. "Something smells really good." He says.

"Thanks… I made some stuff for Riku. Valentine's day…" Dad grins.

"You guys are so sickeningly sweet, you know that?"

"I get that a lot." I really do. Kairi's told me before, and so has Selphie. Some of my classmates tell me they wish they had a guy like Riku and according to Riku himself, people say the same about me.
I don't know. I wouldn't go so far as to say that we're one of those "perfect on the outside, but not at all inside" type of couples. We're happy. I love him. But… it's never been a paradise. There's always been a bit of a struggle, and I think there always will be. Not just the typical boyfriend-y stuff either-- there's something between us that can never be put into words. I think it's our pasts, and how we met. I think in some ways it makes us stronger, but in others…

Oh; I think I hear the door right now. "Hey Sora, you might want to get your stuff out of the oven now." I nod and quickly rush into the kitchen, grabbing an oven mitt and getting the chocolates, sliding them into a nice (if not more than slightly gay) small love-themed cloth, tying the ends like it's a bag.

When Riku walks through the door I practically shove it in his hands. He simply responds by saying hi. I wrap my arms around him and wish him a happy Valentine's Day.

He says, "Oh, shit."

"What, did you forget?" He doesn't reply right away so I just keep talking. "It's okay. I wasn't expecting anything… I did this because I…"

"No." He interrupts. "I didn't forget, I--"

"Come on, let's sit down." I half-lead him over to the couch and we sit. Riku finally takes notice of my gift for him and he starts opening it. But he's not careful, and all the candies spill onto his lap. He lets out a small gasp of surprise and I start profusely apologizing.

"I'm sorry! I should have told you to open it over a table, I had no clue they were just going to spill like that! I'm sorry!"

"It's okay." He assures me. "It's fine." He picks them up, one my one, and places them on the table in front of us. I search my pockets for a card I made him earlier in the week when I was supposed to be doing class work. When I find it and unfold it I slide it on the table next to the candies, lined up nicely in a row.

"Happy Valentine's Day." I say yet again. I place my hand over his.

And… he's not doing anything. He's just kind of…sitting there. "Riku, you may not have realized this… but that's food. For eating." He looks over at me and rolls his eyes.

"Yeah, I've realized that."

"But you're not eating."

"Observant, aren't you?"

"Yeah." I reply simply. "So…?" Okay, now I'm nervous. Does he think they're poisoned or something? Please!

"So, what?"

I want to kill him! My god! "So why aren't you eating?" He doesn't respond right away. When he does, it's cold-sounding.

"I don't really eat sweets…. Sorry." After he says that he winces, like he knows he said the absolute wrong thing.

"…oh." I slump over. Yeah, of course. Of course he's not going to accept any of this stuff. It's still Riku we're talking about here. I'm stupid for ever going to the trouble.

…That's why it's a total surprise when Riku takes one of the chocolates and pops it into his mouth. He chews, swallows, and… takes another one. I can't tell if he's doing it just to please me or if he really does enjoy them after all. I hope it's a little bit of both. I throw my arms around Riku again and squeeze. He returns the gesture as best as he can with the way I have his arms constricted in a death grip.. "So…?"

"They're good." He says simply. That's enough for me. When he turns to face me I kiss him, tangling his hair around my fingers, pulling him on top of me. He pulls away and buries his head in my neck, giving me just the occasional kiss. Our hands limply hang over the couch, fingers intertwined.

Well, it is the February Fourteenth. Time to tell him how you feel, stupid.

Okay… now!

I open my mouth but no sound comes out, so when I get a strange look from Riku I just make as if I was going to kiss him. His tongue brushes against mine for one brief second before he sits up.

"Hold on." He says. He grabs his backpack and starts flipping through a notebook. He rips a page out and hands it to me.

"What's this…?"

He shrugs. "I got bored in class and started doodling. I was going to finish this and give it to you today, but I ran out of time…"

It's really sketchy and only half outlined in pen. It's incredibly simple.

I love it.

Riku reaches for it, hastily trying to explain himself. "If you want me to go back and fix it…"

"No. Don't." I cut him off. "It's perfect." I take his hand in mine and squeeze it. "It's perfect."

He just smiles.

--

After school on Thursday, Riku and I actually come home together. It's a first time in a long time that we've done that. The first thing we do is toss our backpacks on the ground and head for the couch. The little bag that I had the candies in is still there from Valentine's Day, but Riku finished the chocolate.

Riku suddenly grabs my shoulders and all but pushes me down, pressing his forehead against mine for one brief second before brushing his lips over my cheek. He nips my ear once and I wrap my arms around him, tighter and tighter. When our lips meet I waste no time, opening my mouth and letting his tongue naturally slide in. We turn over and our legs tangle together. Without thinking, I start rubbing my leg against his, and it makes him squirm and groan. Oops, sorry. But he gets me back for it by rubbing against me a few times and I can't tell if it's accidental or not. Hey, either way…

"Riku, I love you."

For a moment, I'm not sure if I said it or imagined it.

Riku totally stops. He pushes himself off of me, but never getting off the couch. He's not even really sitting up, so we're half-in the same position we were just in. He doesn't say a single word the whole time he just stares at me, stunned and….

Horrified?

He struggles to untangle himself from me, getting off the couch and rushing to the door, slamming it behind him. It takes me a moment to get the impact of what just happened.

I fucked up.

I fucked up big time.