CHAPTER TWENTY ONE
Spring 1978
"Aquila, huh? S'a pretty name, Cissa."
Narcissa pursed her lips into a thin line as she settled back into her lawn chair and closed her eyes behind her dark sunglasses, trying to disconnect from the emotions her daughter's name made her feel as she couldn't bear to fall apart over this anymore; it was taking too much out of her, most of all her sanity.
"…Thank you," Narcissa responded softly, hoping the lump in her throat wasn't audible when she spoke. She swallowed it down though, trying to focus on the feeling of the sun beating down on her skin during the unusually warm May afternoon.
She desperately needed some color; it had been nearly a year since Narcissa had properly been outside, and it was obvious her skin was taking the brunt of the punishment for it. Although she was healthier both physically and emotionally, she still looked dreadfully ill due to the paleness of her skin, and Narcissa knew she still couldn't go out into public like this; she needed to do some maintenance first. If she didn't, the socialites would eat her alive.
"S'for the stars, yeah?" Cassandra asked, looking over at her friend from her place on the lawn chair next to her. She was ridiculously attractive in her tiny swimming costume with her auburn hair down in loose curls around her face, and Narcissa had to remind herself not to stare a couple times now. She just… could not go there. She didn't want to go there. "Always was rubbish at Astrology an' the like, but sounds like somethin' in the sky."
Narcissa knew that Cassandra was just trying to be casual about all this because she knew that her friend couldn't bear breaking down over it anymore, but the concern about the situation was still evident in her voice. Narcissa had finally told her the truth— well, most of the truth, anyway; of course leaving out the part that her daughter was created from Bellatrix and not Lucius, because that was… well, it just sounded very wrong, to be honest. And considering Narcissa knew that it would elicit more questions than she had answers that she was willing to verbalize, she chose to omit that fact completely. It just seemed easier.
Cassandra had known about what the Dark Lord was doing though, having heard such details from her husband when he came home and told her what was going on at 'work', and so the situation itself didn't surprise her. She had known about Gwendolyn, although hadn't known her personally and therefore did not attend her funeral like Narcissa had. Still, she had been aware of what was going on; she'd have to have been stupid not to. She was married into this whole mess just as Narcissa was, after all.
"It's a constellation, yes," Narcissa responded softly, trying to ignore the ache in her chest as she spoke about this. About her. "Like my sisters' names… like my father's."
"Not yours though," Cassandra noted, and Narcissa exhaled a long breath as she opened her eyes, staring up at the bright form of the sun for a brief moment through her dark glasses. It blinded her, yet not overly so due to the protection she had covering her eyes.
"No," she breathed, hoping she didn't sound as sad about that as she did. "Not like mine." She had always wondered why her father refused to name her like her sisters, but the more she thought about it, the more she realized that he probably didn't believe that a blonde child was his. Although if you ever implied such a thing in front of Bellatrix she would probably rip out your tongue for the disrespect; not because she refused to believe that their mother didn't cheat, but because she refused to believe that Narcissa was only made up of half of what she herself was made of.
Either way though, it mattered very little. There was no changing the past, whatever the truth of it was, and she and her sister were bound by far more than blood now.
"I'm real sorry, Cissa," Cassandra said softly as she reached over to gently squeeze her hand, and Narcissa swallowed hard before she nodded, silently accepting her condolences.
"You saved 'er though, y'know," Cassandra told her as she withdrew her hand, picking up her glass of wine off of the table in between them. "Your sister. Probably woulda offed 'erself if not for you, if it really was as bad as you say. That's gotta count for somethin'."
"...I know," Narcissa breathed, remembering how bad it used to be; how sick her sister was. She looked down at her bare stomach as she lay outside in her two-piece swimming costume, her gaze resting on her stretch marks that proved that what had happened wasn't just a terrible dream. She hated that they existed, and for once not because they were an imperfection. "I just pray that it was worth what I sacrificed."
"You love 'er," Cassandra told her after she had taken a sip of her wine. She shrugged lightly. "Most people would do anything for the people they love, I reckon."
"Would you?" Narcissa asked, despite dreading the answer to the question. "If you could fix your mother, would you… do what I did?"
"I dunno," Cassandra answered honestly, pausing for a moment to think on it. "Think it might depend on how bad off she is; if she might die, if she even wanted me to help, y'know? But… think your sister's a bit different from my mum anyway. Like 'ow you feel about 'er an' everything."
"What do you mean?" Narcissa asked, her tone a little defensive despite wishing that it wasn't so bloody automatic every time someone brought up her relationship with her sister. "Bellatrix is my family, just like how your mum is to you. It's the same thing."
"Nah, you know what I mean. Like… you love 'er like you love your 'usband."
Narcissa, who had made the mistake of taking a sip of her wine at that exact moment, coughed before she could properly swallow, causing the red liquid to spill over her chest. "Shit," Narcissa swore as Cassandra laughed, watching the wine puddle between her breasts. After she had grabbed a napkin to clean herself up, the blonde looked at her friend and demanded, "Excuse me? I certainly do not love my sister in the way I do my husband. That's… that's really gross, Cass!"
"I didn't mean like you want 'er to bend ya over or nothin'," Cassandra responded, still laughing at how Narcissa took that statement. She shot her a pointed look then though and continue, "Though if ya ask me she'd probably do it if ya asked nice enough. Think she'd do 'bout anythin' for you though; bit weird about you, that one. Like you're the only thing that matters to 'er." Narcissa's hand paused mid-dab of the napkin as some of the color drained from her face, though Cassandra didn't seem to notice. "Just… y'know, the intensity of it; of your love for 'er. Like romantic but not. I dunno how to explain it; just a feelin' I guess."
"I…" Narcissa tried, but found that words had failed her. What the hell do you say to something like that? Of course she loved her sister intensely; she was her sister. She just happened to be so much more than that as well. Crumpling up the soiled napkin into her hand, Narcissa blinked a bit in confusion before she finally began speaking. "I don't even know what to say to that," Narcissa admitted, placing the napkin on to the table. "Of course I love her intensely, she's the only family I have left and we're… we're close, obviously, but… I don't know. You make it sound so… weird. I'm unsure if I should be offended right now; on her behalf more than my own."
"Be offended all you like," Cassandra responded with a little shrug, completely unconcerned about it. "Just tellin' ya what it seems like. I'm not sayin' it's bad or nothin'; well maybe if she actually bent ya over it'd be bad, but I'm just sayin' it ain't bad to love someone like that. Not bad to love someone at all, cause it's love, y'know?"
Narcissa didn't respond. She pursed her lips and leaned back in her chair, trying to not think about all the times her sister had bent her over because then she'd probably flush in guilt and embarrassment. She hated when people got a little too close to the truth; she was always afraid the look on her face would give her away, and so Narcissa distracted herself by downing the rest of the wine in her glass.
A few long moments passed before anyone said anything, and the silence unfortunately made way for Narcissa's intrusive thoughts.
Exhaling a long breath as she heavily placed her glass back on the table, Narcissa told her in a rather detached sounding voice, "I blamed her, you know." She didn't know why she was telling her this, or where it even came from in the first place, but perhaps she just needed to tell someone. "She never even asked for my help and I blamed her. She took my child from my arms and handed her over to die and I blamed her, even though it was the deal that I alone made. I said… terrible things to her, I told her she was dead to me and…" But Narcissa just trailed off, shaking her head as she poured herself another glass of wine, hoping to God that she didn't start crying again.
Honestly, it was a miracle she hadn't shriveled up and died yet from all of the tears she'd expelled in her life.
"You apologize?" Cassandra asked, and Narcissa exhaled a long, guilty breath as she shook her head. "Why not?"
"I don't know," Narcissa said softly, staring at the wine in her glass as she gently swirled it around. "Maybe I just don't want to remind her what a shit person I am. We're finally… things are finally good again. Bringing it up… I don't know, maybe I'm just afraid it'd ruin it."
"That's pretty fuckin' selfish of ya, Cissa; if you want my opinion."
She had, that's why Narcissa had asked, but the blunt answer still made the blonde wince in guilt. She wanted to be told it was okay that she hadn't, even though she knew it wasn't.
"I am selfish," Narcissa admitted before taking another sip of her drink. She shrugged in a rather defeated manner, like she knew that some things would never change and that was just the unfortunate truth. "Self-involved, self… I don't know, anything else that's awful. Always been that way." She didn't know why she was being this honest; perhaps it was due to the wine. She hadn't had that much though, but perhaps her medication was exacerbating the effects.
Which definitely meant she needed to stop.
Narcissa sighed heavily, putting her glass back down onto the table between them. "God, I need to stop drinking. Bella should be here any minute to bring me to my Soul Mender appointment; it would probably make a bad impression if I show up drunk."
"Bit, yeah," Cassandra laughed, finishing her own drink. When she placed the glass back down she mentioned, "Should go anyway. Peter should be 'ome by now; likes me to jump on 'is cock after work so I probably shouldn't keep 'im waitin'."
Narcissa practically choked on her breath at that sentence, causing Cassandra to chuckle as she picked herself up off of her chair. "Cass!"
"What? 'E does," Cassandra said with a smirk before she bent down and gave the blonde a kiss on the cheek, causing Narcissa to smile softly at the friendly gesture. "I'll see ya later. Plannin' on coming out of hidin' anytime soon?"
"We'll see. I don't… quite feel ready yet."
"So I should still tell people you're sick, yeah?" Cassandra asked, grabbing her robes off the back of her chair. "What'd you say it was again?"
"I didn't," Narcissa reminded her, sighing softly as she watched her friend redress herself. "Specify, that is. Just that I contracted it when Lucius and I went on holiday in Egypt. I should probably get my lies straight. What keeps people out of commission this long that isn't fatal?"
Cassandra shrugged, buttoning the clasp on her robes. "I dunno. Just say it's some rare disease you can't pronounce or something."
"That lie would get picked apart so fast."
"Maybe, but ya gotta say somethin'," Cassandra reminded her, giving her friend a sympathetic look. "Fuckin' Margret is having a bloody field day guessin' what's wrong with you. You don't even wanna know some of the shit she's sayin'; creative, I'll give 'er that, but sodding cunty."
"Fuck," Narcissa said with a sigh, pinching the bridge of her nose. That was the last thing she wanted to hear, because she knew Margret had a vendetta against her because she married Lucius, who she had had a crush on. "That bitch. I hate her."
"Who?"
Both Narcissa and Cassandra turned, seeing Bellatrix in the threshold of the doorway. She side-eyed Cassandra with distaste, but thankfully said nothing rude for once. Narcissa was sure it was only a matter of time though; Bellatrix had never had much in the way if self-control.
She probably wasn't one to talk though.
"Margret," Narcissa answered with a sigh, fiddling with the frames of her sunglasses. "She's spreading rumors about me, per usual. It doesn't matter; she'll be dealt with. Two can play that game. Do you think I should tell people she contracted syphilis or gonorrhea when she fucked a Muggle?"
Bellatrix shot her a look like she had to be kidding her. "You really need a fucking hobby. Concerning yourself with social politics is bloody ridiculous."
"To you, perhaps. I, however, refuse to let her win. I will not be bested by someone who looks like they got hit by a sodding truck."
Bellatrix rolled her eyes.
"Gonorrhea," Cassandra answered, at least taking her options of payback seriously, unlike Bellatrix. Cassandra at least understood the importance of Narcissa's reputation though; and while she couldn't play social politics on the same level as her friend, she still respected what it meant to the other woman. "Syphilis is fatal, innit?"
"Not anymore, I don't think."
"Are you still here?" Bellatrix asked in a rather bored tone, shooting Cassandra a look that very clearly said, 'get the fuck out'. Narcissa set her jaw, shooting her sister a look of warning that was pointedly ignored because, frankly, Bellatrix didn't give much of a toss about being rude.
Especially not to Cassandra.
"Bellatrix," Cassandra greeted pointedly, giving her friend's sister a sarcastic smile. She learned against the threshold of the door on the opposite side of Bellatrix, being way too close the woman for Narcissa's comfort. Cassandra truly had no fear though, and it'd be downright impressive if it didn't actually terrify Narcissa a bit. "As cunty as ever, I see. An' here I was afraid ya lost your touch; was almost a tad disappointed, to be 'onest."
Bellatrix smirked at her, but Narcissa could see the irritation behind her darkened eyes. "You and I both know you wouldn't be this brave if you didn't have my sister's protection, so I suggest that you rub the only two brain cells you have left together and get the fuck out of my face before I decide I forgot the meaning of the word 'no'."
"Bellatrix," Narcissa hissed in warning, but neither of them even spared her a glance. Cassandra just looked amused.
"Bit like a trained puppy then, ain't ya? Cute. Cissa make you wear a leash?"
Oh shit.
Bellatrix's hand shot out and landed heavily against the threshold against the doorway just mere inches from Cassandra's face. The quick movement did actually startle her and the redhead noticeably faltered, which of course made Bellatrix smirk because she felt like she was actually scaring her for once. Getting real close to her face, Bellatrix held eye contact with her as she bluntly told her, "You know what you are, right? I mean, after all this time, you must know what you really are to my sister."
"Bella, stop it!" Narcissa exclaimed, finally getting out of her lawn chair with the intention of physically separating them should she need to. She didn't know what Bellatrix was going to say to her, not really, but she was certain it wasn't good.
"You're a project," Bellatrix hissed at the other girl, hoping to shatter her self-esteem. "A product of boredom and Narcissa's desire to be fucking worshipped; nothing more. She saw what an utter disaster you were and thought she could fix you because you're easy to eye-fuck, but there really is no fixing you, is there? You're always going to be nothing more than a dirty commoner playing dress up, just kept around for the amusement of your betters."
"That is enough!" Narcissa exclaimed as she grabbed Bellatrix's shoulder and shoved her away from Cassandra, horrified by her sister's choice of words, but mostly because some of them had actually been true. At first, yes, of course Cassandra had been a project of some kind, but that certainly wasn't all she was now, and telling the woman that she used to not be very highly regarded by the person she called her best friend was just… horribly, horribly cruel.
But then again, that was precisely why Bellatrix had done it.
"Why do you always have to do this?" Narcissa seethed, her voice hitching with upset as she continued to shove her sister backwards into the house, away from Cassandra. Her eyes misted over with tears, but they were more of helpless frustration than anything else because she couldn't just get this to stop. "I'm allowed to have friends, Bella; I'm allowed to have a life! God, you know I'm not in the frame of mind to deal with shit like this right now, and yet you do it anyway because you've never learned to just shut your sodding mouth. You're such a selfish fucking cow sometimes; I can't believe you."
"She's the bloody one who—!" Bellatrix tried to defend, but Narcissa wasn't hearing it. She was done; she was so done with all of this.
"No, be quiet," Narcissa hissed, absolutely furious with her. "I don't care to hear whatever bullshit lie you've concocted to justify this right now, because I already know the truth of it. I'm too old for this, Bella; we're too old for this, and I'm so sick of fighting over the same bloody things for our entire lives. It's exhausting."
"Don't act like you can't possibly understand, Cissy," Bellatrix snapped, apparently hating that Narcissa had the nerve to actually be an adult about this and look at it rationally. "For years you bitched about Gwen, so I don't want to hear it. You are not better than me; you are not above being over protective and possessive like me, so don't you ever come at me like this is something you're better than, because you and I both know you're not."
"Oh my God, Gwendolyn was different!" Narcissa exclaimed, hardly able to believe that Bellatrix actually had the nerve to compare the two relationships.
"How? She was my best friend, and you—!" Bellatrix outright lied, no doubt only because Cassandra was within earshot. They had moved a significant way into the house as they argued, but all the doors were still open and no doubt Cassandra was listening anyway because it was a bit like watching a train wreck.
Narcissa's eyes flashed and she grabbed the closest thing she could find, which luckily for Bellatrix was couch pillows. "You. Bloody. Well. Know. How!" she screeched, accenting each word without another pillow that she chucked straight at her sister's face. Bellatrix blocked most of them, but the last one hit her square in the nose and as Bellatrix swore at her, Narcissa felt a little better.
Still, it wasn't enough to curb her irritation with the matter.
"God, I can't—I can't do this anymore," Narcissa exhaled, sounding beyond frustrated as she ran her hands over her scalp. "And I swear to God, if you don't stop, I'm going to do exactly what it is you're afraid of, because I am tired of both myself and her being punished for something we're not even doing; it's bullshit."
Bellatrix went to speak, but Narcissa interrupted her before she could even get her first word out.
"No, just get out. We'll discuss this later, but right now you're going to make me late for my goddamn appointment and right about now I'd say I really need some sodding therapy," Narcissa snapped, causing her sister to purse her lips in irritation. She didn't argue about Cassandra anymore though; they both knew they couldn't have a real conversation about it until they were truly alone. Still, she had other grievances.
"I fucking promised Lucius that I'd take you, Cissy; so I don't know why you think you're going without me."
"No, you promised Lucius that you'd make sure I didn't go alone. Last I checked, if I go with Cassandra, I'm not going alone," Narcissa bit back, not allowing Bellatrix to just force her presence in her life when she needed some bloody space from her. "I might need a babysitter, Bella, but today? You're not it. Go home."
Bellatrix set her jaw as she stared at her, her fury masking that tiny speck of absolute devastation in her eyes, because they always did this, didn't they? They were finally perfect, things were finally good, and then they just had to ruin it all over again. They fought far too much, about bloody everything, and it desperately needed to stop.
Neither of them seemed to know how to do that though.
"Fine," Bellatrix responded flatly, trying to not look as put out as she obviously felt. "Do whatever you want, I don't care."
She disapparated with a crack then, and Narcissa just shook her head in frustration and upset before she threw the last pillow that was on the couch at the far wall. She sunk into the cushions then, practically collapsing onto the upholstery as she placed her head in her hands. Why did they always have to do this? Why couldn't they just have a healthy sodding relationship; was that honestly too much to bloody ask for?! Maybe this was just their punishment, but incest or not, sinful or not, they should at least be able to get through a week without falling to fucking pieces for the eight millionth time.
Narcissa sniffed, wiping away the small tears that begun to leak from the corners of her eyes just as Cassandra peeked her head around the corner, tentatively asking, "…Cissa?" She looked as though she wasn't sure if she should comfort her friend, or leave her alone when she was clearly upset.
Narcissa exhaled a long breath, wiping away another tear as she stared at the far wall. "I need you to bring me to my Soul Mender's in a little bit," she requested softly, knowing she had no right to request this of her when all she seemed to do was bring abuse down on Cassandra's head from a third party, but she had no one else. "Please. I know your husband's waiting on you, but… I can't go alone."
"Yeah, s'fine," Cassandra responded, finally coming fully around the corner. After she crossed the room, she sat down next to her friend on the couch and put a hand on her knee. Narcissa smiled a little sadly at her, appreciating the gesture as she rested her hand atop Cassandra's, then her head on her shoulder.
"I'm so sorry," Narcissa apologized, feeling awful for what Bellatrix had subjected her to. "What she said to you… that was so very far over the line. She's just… she's scared, and Bella doesn't know how to handle fear and so she lashes out. Which isn't—I mean, I'm not trying to make excuses for her, but she… I don't know. I don't know what I'm saying; I'm just really sorry. What she said was cruel."
Cassandra just shrugged though, never one to really let things bother her. "I know 'ow you felt 'bout me, Cissa; knew you were just lettin' me tag along cause you liked the attention I gave ya," she told her, causing Narcissa's stomach to plummet a little because she really did wish that Cassandra hadn't known that, even if anything else would have been a lie. "Probably didn't give much of a toss 'bout me either way, but that was forever ago. Things're different now; I know that, so it don't bother me none. End of the day, we're each other's only friends, y'know? An' maybe we got closer just cause we got no one else around us that ain't family or a superficial twat, but doesn't much matter, yeah? 'Ow you get somewhere don't matter, so long as you do; what my Mum says anyway."
Narcissa still felt bad, but maybe Cassandra was right; maybe it didn't matter how it started, so long as they ended up where they were. And yes, perhaps it was sad that they only formed some kind of bond due to literally having no one else outside of their own family, but Narcissa, at least, knew she needed the disconnect; now more than ever. Honestly, she had been so wrapped up in Lucius and Bellatrix and all the drama that surrounded them that she could never have an outside perspective, and maybe she needed that. Maybe that's why she trusted Cassandra enough to tell her about her daughter; even though it wasn't the complete truth, it was enough that she finally felt like she wasn't just trapped in this… in this bubble all the time.
"Why's she scared though?" Cassandra asked, her brow knitting as she tried to work that part out. "Make's no bleedin' sense. I ain't gonna do nothin' to ya. 'Less she thinks I'm gonna take you away from her, which is dumb cause it's not like I can replace her bein' your sister an' everything— Wait," she interrupted herself, remembering something she had heard. "You were sayin' somethin', yeah? About doin' whatever it is she's afraid of, so it's gotta be an action and not just some jealous feelin', right? So what is it? Maybe if I tell her I'm not gonna then she'll fuck off an' leave us be. You reckon?"
Shit. Narcissa knew she shouldn't have said that right after she had opened her mouth, but she had just been so frustrated with Bellatrix always blaming her for something she had never done. She had even taken veritaserum to prove she hadn't, for Christ's sake! Honestly, how much more did she want from her? There was only so much she could do to try to ease Bellatrix's paranoia, and it was killing her that she couldn't; it was killing her that it had been eight years and they were still arguing about the same damn person, about the same damn thing. When would it ever end?
"I…" Narcissa tried, attempting to formulate some kind of lie in her head. She realized rather quickly though that she couldn't really think of anything other than the truth though, and that made her stomach clench into tight knots as she realized she might have to admit something about herself that she had hidden for so long. Therefore, it posed the question: how much did she really trust Cassandra to not tell her secrets?
Narcissa swallowed.
"If I… tell you something, you have to swear to me that you won't tell anyone. Do you understand me? Not even my husband knows this," Narcissa pleaded, grasping onto her friend's hands as she demanded eye contact so Cassandra knew that she was serious. She didn't plan to tell her the whole truth, because that would be utter madness, but for Bellatrix's concern to even make sense with the half-lie she had concocted in her head at a moment's notice, Narcissa needed to admit to one thing she had never told anyone save her sister before.
"Course I won't tell no one, Cissa; you know me," Cassandra responded, like she had to be stupid to even ask that, especially after what she had told her about her child. And, yes, perhaps that was the more serious of the two issues, but that didn't mean that this didn't also scare her.
The blonde nodded, grateful for her friend's promised silence. "I, um… okay," Narcissa tried, but found she failed rather quickly as she hesitated saying the actual words out loud. "Shit, alright. So, I'm a little… I don't exactly just like my husband, right? I mean, I'd never cheat on him—" What a ridiculous lie that was, but Narcissa pushed through regardless. "But sometimes I just… want something else, you know? Something that isn't… I guess it's not really exactly normal, but—"
"Cissa, Cissa, stop," Cassandra interrupted, sounding exasperated with her and probably for good reason, considering Narcissa couldn't just get to the damn point. "If you're tryin' to tell me you thirst for tits every now an' then, it ain't like this is bloody news, yeah? –Oh," Cassandra interrupted herself, too caught up in her revelation to notice how wide her friend's jaw had slacked at the completely casual way that Cassandra had just said that; not to mention the way she chose to label her bisexuality. 'Thirst for tits'… honestly…
"She thinks we're fuckin', doesn't she?" Cassandra realized, finally putting two and two together. "Or that we're gonna. Thinks you're gonna fuck up your life or whatever cause o' me; why she doesn't want me 'round. Bein' wicked over protective or whatever, yeah? I mean, outsida all this jealous wank, cause I know that's still part of it. Not very good at sharing, that one; bet she was a wretched nightmare when you were young and wanted to play with 'er toys."
Well, that was true.
And while what Cassandra had said wasn't exactly the lie she was going to tell, it certainly was good enough, and so Narcissa pursed her lips and nodded. "She's just trying to make sure I don't ruin my life," she responded sadly as she sold her lie, yet was still reminded of what would actually happen should her secrets really get out. In the end, she didn't have to fake being upset about it. "She knows I wouldn't be able to bear it if I ruined my marriage, if people found out the truth about me, although how…?" Narcissa asked in disbelief, looking over at the girl next to her as though she couldn't fathom who or what she was. "How the hell did you… how did you even know?!"
"Got eyes, Cissa," Cassandra reminded her, sounding a little amused by the question. "Ya stare at pretty girls all the time, y'know; sometimes even catch you starin' at me, though I think you try not to do that too much cause you think it makes me uncomfortable or somethin'. Flattered though, honestly; not that I'm that way or anythin' – or, well, I dunno really, 'aven't exactly tried it or nothin', and it's probably hard to know if ya like somethin' or not if you've never done it – but my Mum had a female lover once, right? When I was younger. Told me not to tell no one cause she was scared 'bout what'd happen if people found out, but love's love, y'know? Or sex is sex; regardless. Either way, not no one's business but your own, so I never asked ya or nothin'; figured if you ever wanted to tell me then you would."
"…Oh," Narcissa responded, and the word came out more like a breathy exhale than anything else. While she was glad that Cassandra didn't judge her for it, it was a little frightening that she already knew. "Do you… do you think anyone else knows that I'm—?"
"Nah," Cassandra replied, shaking her head. "Most people are unobservant twits, ain't they? Only see themselves an' shit. Don't know why you don't tell your 'usband though; Lucius seems the type to love you no matter what, yeah? Might even let ya bring another girl into bed; think most men have that fantasy though, even though they like to pretend it's wrong when it comes to two guys or the shit being public. Buncha hypocrites, really."
Narcissa's cheeks flushed a little as that image of her husband and sister in bed with her came back full force. But no, that wasn't… that would never happen, and Narcissa knew it. And if she ever shared a bed with another woman and her husband, Bellatrix would… Bellatrix would kill her; or at the very least, the other girl who Narcissa had fucked. Someone would die, that was for sure.
"I can't do that," Narcissa breathed, shaking her head sadly. "Lucius is… very homophobic. He would never understand."
It wasn't necessarily true, but it was the best excuse she could come up with at the moment. He had been, many years ago, but Lucius had since revalued his stance once he saw the hell that Bellatrix went through as she hid her true self from the rest of the world. Not that he cared about her pain back then or anything, but he hated that it hurt his wife to watch her sister go through such an ordeal and so the comments about her sexuality stopped; at least in regards to anything else that didn't involve Bellatrix's unnatural love for her own sister.
Which was especially why Narcissa couldn't tell him; if Lucius knew she was bisexual, he would worry about her with Bellatrix even more. That couldn't happen.
"Well… I can still tell your sister that I ain't bangin' ya, if it helps; maybe stop some of the drama, yeah?"
"It wouldn't," Narcissa sighed heavily, running her fingers through her hair. She glanced up at the large grandfather clock on the room, noting the time; she had about five minutes until she needed to be at her appointment, and so she tried to finish up this conversation so they could go. If she missed it, Lucius would be furious. "She wouldn't believe you, but I'll deal with it; I promise."
"By threatenin' to actually fuck me?" Cassandra asked, sounding amused. Narcissa immediately went bright red; she had forgotten she had said that within ear shot of her. Well, she had forgotten that filling in the blanks for Cassandra would make her previous statement make actual sense, at any rate. Regardless, it was terribly embarrassing.
"Oh my god, I am so sorry; I honestly never meant—!"
"S'fine," Cassandra responded, still chuckling at how red her friend had gotten. "Like I said, it's flatterin'. Still, kinda like puttin' oil on a fire, yeah?"
"Perhaps," Narcissa responded with a long sigh. She was just tired of this; especially because Bellatrix had no reason to be jealous. She shook her head though as she rose from the couch. "Whatever. Like I said, I'll deal with it. Right now though we have to get to my appointment; if I doddle anymore I'm going to be late and Lucius will go off at me about responsibility and the like, which is never pleasant."
In the end, the majority of the appointment had been filled with her complaining about Bellatrix anyway. She couldn't give details obviously, neither about the depth of her relationship with her sister nor the real reason why she was so jealous of Cassandra, but it was fairly easy to make it seem like Bellatrix just didn't want her to have any friends, which was true regardless; any time Narcissa was close to anyone, Bellatrix sought to destroy it. Cassandra, Lucius, even Andromeda…
However, when the Soul Mender had asked her if she had ever done the same to her, it caused her to pause because of course she had. She still was even now, albeit indirectly. Bellatrix may not have anyone close to her, but Narcissa did not allow her to have another relationship outside of the two of them and therefore was basically destroying potential ones before they even started. Still, it might be different if Bellatrix chose to have actual friends and not… you know, some sleazy ho that liked to lick her cunt every now and then, or worse, someone who actually fell in love with her, just as Gwendolyn once had.
And of course it wasn't fair; it never had been and Narcissa knew that and despite knowing that the restrictions she put on her sister wasn't right, she did not plan to redact them, because she feared it would break her heart to watch Bellatrix be with someone else. Narcissa wasn't mentally stable right now anyway; she was so very far from it, and therefore the only compromise she could come up with was allowing Bellatrix to spend time with someone she considered a friend, just as she did in regards to Cassandra.
Problem was, as far as she knew, Bellatrix didn't have any friends, so how was she supposed to allow something that didn't exist in the first place?
"What do you do?" Narcissa asked the next day, looking across the patio table at her sister, who had an irritated look plastered over her face as she picked idly at her nails. "When I'm not around, when you're not around… him. Do you… have hobbies? Friends?"
"Now you suddenly care about my life?" Bellatrix deadpanned without even sparing her youngest sister a glance. "Wow. It only fucking took you twenty some-odd years." Those words actually gutted Narcissa, because she honestly hadn't thought of what her having to ask that kind of question even meant until Bellatrix had responded. Was she honestly that self-centered? And maybe she always knew she was, but this was the first time that it actually physically disgusted her, and Narcissa's stomach turned uncomfortably in her gut.
"Regardless, I don't know why you're even sitting here asking me stupid questions when you and I both know you only came here to yell at me about that utter twat, so let's just get on with it and skip the pleasantries, shall we?" Bellatrix continued, finally glancing up at the woman across from her. She didn't look very happy. "I don't have all bloody day, nor an endless supply of wine for you to procrastinate with."
Narcissa immediately put down her glass of wine, a sour look on her face for being called out like that. Yes, perhaps she had asked her sister for a beverage in order to stall a moment as she tried to figure out how to approach the situation, but that was so they didn't end up in some screaming argument as per usual. They needed to… God, they just needed to try to stop doing that, because quite honesty it wasn't getting either of them anywhere.
"I'm sorry I've never asked before," Narcissa responded softly, the guilt evident in her tone. "But you haven't exactly been forthcoming about your life either, and while I know I specifically asked to not hear about some aspects, that didn't mean that I never wanted to hear anything at all."
"I'm sure," Bellatrix responded flatly, apparently not caring in the slightest that her sister was suddenly trying to get to know her a little better. Perhaps though, it was just too little too late at this point. Bellatrix chuckled low under her breath then though, this bitter little sound that made Narcissa's stomach lurch harshly in her gut. "Don't pretend like you suddenly care for no other reason than you'd like to know more about me, because you and I both know that you only take an interest in something if it somehow serves you in the end. So explain to me this, Cissy; how does me having a hobby, or me having friends serve you?"
Narcissa's words died in the back of her throat. She had no idea how to respond to something so… so incredibly spot on that it felt as though it stripped her raw. The shame Narcissa had begun to feel started to grow more unbearable, and she shifted uncomfortably in her seat.
"Oh, I get it," Bellatrix said after a moment, having put together the pieces. "You seem to think that if you allow me to have these hypothetical friends that you're hoping even exist, then I should allow you to have the same. Am I right?" Narcissa said nothing, and that was enough of an answer for Bellatrix who outwardly scoffed. "Figures."
"Look, I don't… I don't know what to do or say to you anymore, Bellatrix," Narcissa tried, sounding so completely frustrated and helpless. This conversation was making her feel worse than she had when she first came here, but they needed to do this, no matter how many harsh truths Bellatrix slapped her in the face with. "Not about her. We have the same arguments and nothing changes; it's exhausting me. And the most fucked up part of it all is that you're just… God, you're so bloody awful to her, and yet she was the only person to straight up tell me that I'm not doing right by you. She doesn't just automatically take my side you know, and regardless of what you think of her, I think I need someone like that in my life right now; someone who's honest with me and isn't afraid to tell me that I fucked up."
"I bloody tell you that you fuck up all the time; this isn't something new," Bellatrix practically snapped at her, not accepting that as a reason. "And how on earth have you been 'doing me wrong'? You haven't done shit to me in ages, so that big-tittied bimbo clearly doesn't know what the hell she's even—!"
"I haven't apologized," Narcissa interrupted, which at least caused Bellatrix to stop mid-sentence as she looked at her in surprise. Was an apology from her so far-fetched that her sister had to look at her like that when she merely mentioned it? That certainly didn't make Narcissa feel any better about herself, but she pushed on regardless and swallowed heavily. "About… about all the—the awful things that I said to you that night; I haven't—"
"Cissy, it doesn't matter…" Bellatrix began, and now it was her turn to shift uncomfortably in her seat, avoiding eye contact. She obviously did not want to be reminded of those things, as anything that devastated her emotionally made Bellatrix feel as though she was weak for even letting those things affect her in the first place.
"It does," Narcissa stressed, her chest tightening as she looked across the table at her sister. Bellatrix still wouldn't catch her gaze though, and in an effort to make her really pay attention and understand the depth of her regret, Narcissa rose from her chair and came around to the other side of the table.
"Bella…" The blonde straddled her waist then, not allowing Bellatrix to just ignore this, and cupped her face in her palms to force her sister to look her in the eyes. "Bella, it does. I blamed you for my mistake, for my decision, and that wasn't right. I told you that you were dead to me, I threatened to… to tell Lucius that you…" Narcissa's voice broke in her throat then though, her eyes misting up with tears. She threatened to tell her husband that her sister had raped her, and that was awful. "God, I'm sorry, Bella; I'm so, so sorry…"
"Cissy, stop," Bellatrix demanded, trying to pull her face away from her sister's grip. This was clearly making her uncomfortable, but it needed to be said, didn't it? Narcissa didn't want to make Bellatrix feel awkward about this, but she also didn't want her sister thinking that she didn't regret all those things that she said, or worse, that she thought she had been right when she had said it. "You know I sodding hate words; they're meaningless shits that have no bearing at all on the truth, and you've already shown me that you're—"
Sorry? No, she hadn't. Not enough; not yet. If she had to physically show Bellatrix how she felt in order to earn her forgiveness, then she hadn't done nearly enough yet in order to warrant it.
So Narcissa grabbed her sister's face in her hands once more and kissed her, drowning in the feeling of her lips against Bellatrix's. The brunette's lips parted instinctually and as Narcissa slipped her tongue into her sister's mouth, she felt firm hands cup her arse as Bellatrix brought her impossibly closer to her. "I'm sorry…" Narcissa breathed, her teeth gently nipping at her sister's bottom lip, her cheek, her jawline. The pads of her fingers caressed Bellatrix's skin as she breathed her regret across the shell of her ear, causing the woman beneath her to shiver slightly. "You are what gives me life, gives me meaning… you didn't deserve anything that I said to you, Bella. I'm so sorry…"
"Show me," Bellatrix breathed, still not after the show of vocal regret that Narcissa felt she needed to do. The older woman placed a hand on her shoulder, coaxing Narcissa down to the ground as she spread her thighs on either side of her face. "If you're so bloody concerned that you haven't properly expressed your apology to me yet, then do it right now. Right here."
Narcissa's brow rose, the light breeze causing her platinum hair to dance around her shoulders. They had never done anything outside before, despite the fact that Bellatrix's property was not only fenced in, but rather out of the way from other settlements. Still, that wasn't what concerned her at the moment. "Rodolphus?" she asked, although did settle herself on her knees between her sister's thighs as she looked up at her. She had to bend forwards a little so that the patio table didn't hit the top of her head, but Narcissa tried not to let that bother her. "Is he home?"
Bellatrix's eyebrow arched as she shrugged nonchalantly. "Does that matter?" she asked pointedly, her fingers fisting in the fabric of her robes before she began to pull them upwards, giving Narcissa a perfect view of her knickers.
The blonde's heart began to beat a little faster, feeling as though she was simultaneously being tested and punished at the same time, but perhaps that's what she deserved after what she had done. So she swallowed hard, hoped Bellatrix would never want to do something like this if there was a possibility that her husband could walk in on them, and shook her head. "No," she breathed softly, running her hands up her sister's thighs to hook her underwear under her thumbs. "It doesn't matter."
Narcissa removed the other woman's undergarments slowly, still feeling a little nervous about doing this out here. When they were carelessly thrown on the ground though and Bellatrix lifted her legs, planting her feet on the edge of the patio table on either side of Narcissa's head, the blonde could see nothing but her sister's beautiful cunt and found that suddenly nothing else in that moment even mattered anymore.
"There's better ways to apologize with your mouth, love," Bellatrix breathed, running her fingers teasingly over the apex of her thighs as her sister watched intently from her spot on the ground. Her middle and forefinger parted then, opening her up to her sister's hungry gaze with one hand as the other fisted in a mess of blonde hair. "So show me how sorry you really are, yeah?"
There were some days that Narcissa wished that Bellatrix could understand more than just physicality; to be able to connect emotionally without touch, as sometimes Narcissa worried that it cheapened it in some way, or that it shouldn't be taken seriously because sex wasn't 'real enough' in regards to an emotional expression. People fucked people all the time after all, for every or no reason at all. In the end though, there was no changing who Bellatrix was nor how she felt things, and so Narcissa sought to apologize to her in the only way her sister would ever understand.
Bellatrix groaned softly at the first touch of her sister's mouth against her aching center, her fingers fisting tighter in Narcissa's hair as she held her in place between her thighs. Bellatrix had always tasted like desire and sin; a combination that Narcissa couldn't seem to get enough of. It made her feel dangerous, unrestrained, even free; and eventually Narcissa found that when you've lived most of your life in a box, inevitably you will begin to crave the only escape you can find.
Because when Narcissa was a girl, she felt suffocated; suffocated by her mother's expectations, by her own mental illness, and by the pressure to be who she thought she should be. Bellatrix ripped her from all of that though; gave her a reprieve from the real world that Narcissa found herself drowning in and now, every time she was with her again, every time she tasted her again, her sense memory overwhelmed her and Narcissa felt just as she did when she was a girl, and she immersed herself in it completely.
"Fuck," Bellatrix panted, feeling her sister's fingertips dig into her thighs as she forcefully parted them even further. Narcissa's mouth completely covered her labia and she sucked hard, knowing her sister liked it a little rougher than most. The woman beneath her bucked her hips in need, her fingers tightening almost painfully in blonde hair as she demanded breathlessly, "Fuck, yes, just like that, love…"
Narcissa's teeth scraped agonizingly over the other woman's clit before she bit down gently at first, then harder as she made Bellatrix cry out loudly in pleasure. And God, she really did hope that Rodolphus wasn't home, that her sister wasn't this foolish, because the decibel of her moans were starting to rise and all the damn windows of her house were open to let in the warm spring breeze. Normally she knew Bellatrix would never risk it, but revenge was something her sister knew better than forgiveness, and suddenly Narcissa was a little paranoid that she had completely misread the situation because humiliating her certainly wouldn't be above Bellatrix's skewed moral code.
And it certainly seemed a little like she was putting on some kind of show, because Bellatrix was never this loud.
"Shhh…" Narcissa tried, her heart beating a little erratically in her chest as she briefly came up for air. She didn't know what she'd do if they were caught, and the thought frightened her. But she had broken her sister's heart, brought it up and continued to push even when Bellatrix explicitly told her not to, and the worst part was that she knew exactly how the other woman's mind worked, and if Narcissa wanted so desperately to be 'even', then perhaps revenge was how Bellatrix planned to give it to her.
Still, she prayed she was wrong.
"I didn't tell you to stop," Bellatrix responded, her breathing erratic as she forcefully pushed her sister's head down between her thighs again. "I want to come all over your sodding face, Cissy, and if you want me to forgive you then you're going to make that happen. Now fuck me!" she demanded loudly, causing Narcissa's cheeks to flush a deep red as her paranoia seeded deeper in her mind. Still, she did exactly as she was told and flicked her tongue teasingly across her sister's clit before sucking hard once more, coaxing a deep moan to escape Bellatrix's painted lips as her head lolled back and to the side.
And the longer it went on, the more Narcissa's paranoia began to sate, because surely if Rodolphus was home he would have heard her by now, right? And yet it was right after that singular thought that the world around her shattered as she heard the screen door being forcefully shoved open with the yelled exclamation of, "Do neither of you have any bloody fucking decency?!"
Narcissa immediately tried to pull herself out from between her sister's thighs, but Bellatrix's hand clasped onto her shoulder, fingernails digging painfully into her skin as she forced her to stay exactly where she was. Narcissa felt like something inside of had just died as the humiliation began to seed deeply within her, but Bellatrix was seemingly ready for the interruption and grabbed her wand off the patio table, hurling a nonverbal petrificus totalus spell at him that left Rodolphus rigid and frozen in place before he could even utter another word.
"Finish," Bellatrix demanded then, looking down at the wide-eyed woman situated on the ground between her thighs. Surely she couldn't honestly mean for her to do this while Rodolphus was standing right there, did she? That was… that was beyond…
"Bella, please," Narcissa begged softly, her eyes welling up with tears at the position her sister's husband had found them in; she was utterly humiliated but even more than that, she felt betrayed because Bellatrix wanted this to happen. This hadn't been about forgiveness at all; it had been about revenge and the worst part was that Narcissa just walked right into it willingly. "You've made your point, alright? We're even, just let it go…"
Bellatrix snatched her wrist in her hand though as Narcissa tried to gently push herself away from her to stand, not allowing her to move an inch. "We're nowhere near even," Bellatrix hissed as she got right up in her sister's face, this anger and devastation mapping the lines of her expression. Her voice was low, almost inaudible so Rodolphus wouldn't be able to hear from his position at the back door, but Narcissa heard her words as though they were screams that shredded her apart inside. "You have no idea what you did to me, Cissy; you have no fucking idea how it felt after you said those things to me, after you banished me from your life. I never wanted to think of those things again, I never wanted to acknowledge that day as being real because when I'm reminded that it was I can't sodding breathe it hurts so fucking badly."
A tear slipped down Narcissa's cheek then and she turned her head so that Rodolphus couldn't see her cry. She had known what she had done was awful, but it never really hit her how bad it really was until Bellatrix said those things to her; Narcissa had been so wrapped up in fearing that she was a bad person for not apologizing that she didn't even seem to realize that she was a terrible person just for doing something like that to her in the first place. In the end, even her apology had more to do with her than it had to do with Bellatrix, and the realization nearly crippled Narcissa because it made her wonder how her sister could even stand being with her if all she could ever see was her own side of the relationship.
"Even?" Bellatrix repeated with a bitter laugh. "Even, love, would be me breaking your heart in such a way that you fear you'll never see it repaired. Even would be making you feel as worthless and alone and as guilty as I felt. You're bloody fucking lucky I'm not making us even, Narcissa, despite how badly you seemed to want such a thing after I told you to fucking stop."
"I'm sorry," Narcissa breathed sadly, wiping the tears from her eyes as she kept her gaze downcast. She couldn't even bear to look at her in that moment. "I'm sorry, I should have listened to you." Because she had seen that bringing it up was making Bellatrix uncomfortable, hadn't she? And yet she pushed.
She always had to fucking push.
Bellatrix was silent for a moment as she looked down at the crying mess between her legs before she exhaled a loud and frustrated sigh, pushing the chair back from the table with an agonizing scrape against the pavement. "Fuck it, I'm not doing this," she told her, clearly agitated. "You'll only get pity from him if I force you to fuck me while you're crying, and I'm not getting painted out as that bloody rapist you like to threaten to tell people I am whenever things go to shit."
"Bella…" Narcissa tried, those words cutting her even deeper because she hadn't meant them, she hadn't! She scrambled to get off of the ground, but Bellatrix was already walking away from her in a huff. "Bella, please, you have to believe I never meant those things I said; I would never! I love you, you are everything— Bella, please don't walk away from me right now…!"
"Fuck off, Narcissa; I'm not in the mood for this anymore," Bellatrix snapped as she furiously pushed past a frozen Rodolphus, nearly knocking him straight over. She still hadn't bothered to lift the curse from him, and probably wasn't planning to for a long time seeing as it was doubtful Bellatrix could handle both of them right now. "Just go home."
"No!" Narcissa begged, running after her until she stopped right in front of an immobilized Rodolphus, her breathing erratic and shallow as she debated doing something so incredibly stupid in order to make this right. She couldn't bear for things to fall apart between them again. "Bellatrix, stop!"
And maybe it was the way she shrieked that, or the clear desperation in her tone that begged to not be ignored, but Bellatrix actually stopped dead in her tracks. "…Look at me," Narcissa begged, her voice wavering with nerves as she glanced at the frozen man in front of her. God, she couldn't even believe that she was contemplating this, but she had to do something. They were good, they were finally good, and Narcissa was not going to let herself ruin that just because of her unfortunate desire to always be so fucking selfish.
Bellatrix ran her tongue over her teeth in a gesture of irritation before she finally exhaled an impatient sigh and turned on her heel, looking at her expectantly when all she was greeted with was silence. Her hands went to her hips and her brow rose as she awaited her sister's response, but it wasn't words that Narcissa planned to give her just then.
Instead, Narcissa's trembling fingers began slowly unclasping her robes, allowing them to pool on the ground at her feet. Bellatrix's eyebrows knitted in confusion, not understanding what it was that her sister was doing; at least, that was until Narcissa began unbuttoning her blouse… right in front of Rodolphus.
"Cissy, no!" Bellatrix exclaimed with widened eyes, immediately rushing over to her in order to forcefully cover her from her husband's gaze. "Jesus, what the fuck—?"
"If you need to humiliate me then just do it," Narcissa begged her, still trying to open up her shirt that Bellatrix was forcing closed in an iron grip. She knew this was madness, begging for something like this, but she just couldn't deal with Bellatrix being furious with her right now. "I don't care, I'll fuck you in front of him, I just don't want us to fight about this, please…!"
"That prick will never see your body, Cissy, that is mine," Bellatrix responded fiercely, buttoning up her sister's shirt once she had successfully shoved the blonde's hands away from her own garment. "What I just did was… Jesus, it was fucking thoughtless and petty, alright? But you pissed me off. I don't want to get revenge on you for what you did and said to me, Cissy, I don't want to sodding acknowledge that that day even existed at all. So just stop fucking apologizing to me, alright? I don't want to hear it."
Narcissa pursed her lips, but looked down at the floor and nodded her understanding. She knew she should have listened to her sister when she asked her to stop; she just had never been good at respecting people's wishes if they contradicted with her own. She really needed to work on that though, because she just didn't… Narcissa just didn't want to be that type of person anymore. It made her look and feel horrible.
"After the funeral…" Bellatrix began, her voice much softer now as she rested her forehead against her sister's and gently smoothed out the wrinkles in her blouse. Narcissa's stomach lurched at the thought of it, hoping she would be able to handle not completely falling to pieces when it happened, and she swallowed hard. "After the funeral, I don't want to ever talk about this shit again, do you hear me? I don't want it to be real, so don't fucking make it real for me, Cissy. That is not a request."
Narcissa inhaled a shaky breath as she realized her sister's coping mechanisms were just as unstable as her own, but nodded her head regardless. In the end, she wanted to make things easier on her sister; she deserved the peace of mind, after all, after what Narcissa had unrightfully blamed her for. And maybe that was a ridiculous way of looking at it, considering Bellatrix did still hold some of the blame for what had happened, but Narcissa had always been one extreme or the other and until her therapy began helping her find a balance, this was the way things were going to be.
Because if nothing else, Narcissa found comfort in the routine.
TBC…