Chapter Twenty-One
CELEBRATION!
(The scene opens to a large, fancy ballroom with an empty stage. All around the table, the characters from The Inheritance Cycle/this story are seated, dressed to kill, talking amongst themselves and eating fancy foods. Dragons are curled up beside tables, monsters are eating from dog food bowls, and fancy waiters move about waiter-ing.)
(Joed's Butler, one of the waiters, stands beside Krashnaranthar and Earl's table. The Ra'zac are dressed in their finest dark scary robes.)
Joed's Inexplicably-Now-French Butler: And what would monsieurs like to eat tonight?
Krashnaranthar: (folding up menu and pointing) I'll have that ssshhhort female in the back.
Earl: And I'll just have a plate of your finest granite, please.
Krashnaranthar: (rolling eyes) Ugh...
(Lights dim; spotlight and smoke effects begin on stage.)
Earl: Ooh! It's starting!
Announcer: Villains and heroes, canon and OCs, we welcome you tonight to our celebration of this most historic event. And now, here he is...the man of the hour...the one we've all been waiting for--the amazing, illustrious JOEMERL!
(Star Wars "Imperial March" plays; JoeMerl walks in from backstage to raucous applause.)
Earl: (shaking fist in the air) WHOO-HOO! YEAH! YOU ROCK, JOEMERL! Speaking of which, when's dinner gonna get here...
(Cries of "Yeah!," "Go JoeMerl!" and "My life is utterly meaningless compared to your insurmountable greatness!" echo throughout the room. JoeMerl raises his hands for silence. The room slowly quiets; tension hangs in the air.)
JoeMerl: Stupid characters and loyal reading-slaves, I come before you tonight for a most momentous occasion. We are gathered here, as you may know, to celebrate two incredible events that have occurred in recent days: that this story now has 100 reviews, and now has more than 10,000 hits!
(Huge applause.)
Eragon: WHOO!
Orik: (raising large thing of beer) YEAH!
Murtagh: I'd have sex with that guy!
JoeMerl: Thank you, thank you...except you Murtagh, that was just kind of creepy. Let me just say how proud and happy I am to have received this great honor from you, my readers. For this truly is a great reward to know how much you have enjoyed my work. It's also kind of sad, since this story is nothing but crude sex jokes and random, nonsensical gibberish...I mean, I have a serious story that's almost twice as long and has less than a fifth as many hits...but ah well.
So thank you, thank you all, my loyal readers. And you, my characters, who have had to undergo so much crap for their amusement. But this is not just a time for patting ourselves on the back; for you see, the popularity of this story is also a sign of our great responsibility. With so many readers hanging on what we do, we must be a good influence for the Inheritance Cycle fandom community. So, in the spirit of thanks and gratitude, may we all come together, joining as one, and...
...
Every-body dance now!
(Room brightens; smoke effects spread out all over the floor as a disco ball descends from the ceiling, sending neon lights everywhere. The tables all disappear with a POP! and everybody is suddenly standing up and dancing with each other.)
Arya: (dancing with Eragon) Okay, at this point, this story is officially a crackfic.
Eragon: And how!
(JoeMerl continues to address the throngs of dancing characters.)
JoeMerl: And that's not all! We now have a very special guest to introduce! Let's all hear it for...LIGHTCULLEN618!
(Dancing characters cheer as Lightcullen618 comes running and jumping joyously onstage.)
Lightcullen618: WHOO! YEAH!
(Lightcullen618 dances as JoeMerl grabs her hand, shaking it wildly.)
JoeMerl: HOW'S IT FEEL TO BE HERE, LIGHTCULLEN?!
Lightcullen618: I feel good, JoeMerl!
JoeMerl: Well, you're about to feel even better, my friend, 'cause you got the honor of being my 100th review for this story!
Lightcullen618: WHOO! YEAH! Did I win something?!
JoeMerl: Why, yes you did, Lightcullen! As prize for being my 100th review, you won a chance to fight in a no-holds battle to the death with twelve bloodthirsty Lethrblaka!
Lightcullen618: WHOO! YEAH! I--wait, whosa-jigga-what-now?
JoeMerl: YEAH!
(Takes out a remote control with a single large red button on it. JoeMerl slams down on it, and a trapdoor under Lightcullen618 suddenly opens.)
Lightcullen618: Aaaaaaaggggggghhhhhhh!
(Lightcullen618 falls; she lands in a dimly-lit chamber.)
Lightcullen618: (rising to her feet) Huh...what the...
(Looks up; twelve Lethrblaka are flying in the air above her.)
Lightcullen618: Meep.
(Cuts back to auditorium; distant screams can be heard over the disco music.)
JoeMerl: So everybody keep having fun, 'cause we're gonna keep this party going all night! And the first person to review this chapter will get--something! I don't know what. A cameo or a story request, their pick. How's that sound?!
Murtagh: Like it's going to lead to extreme annoyance or pain for us!
JoeMerl: EXACTLY!
(Lightcullen618 crawls across the stage, bloody and with torn clothes.)
Lightcullen618: Oooh...
JoeMerl: (surprised) Lightcullen618! You survived?
Lightcullen618: (coughs) Barely...
JoeMerl: THAT'S GREAT! Because as a prize for barely surviving, you get to marry Murtagh right now on national television!
Murtagh: (stops dancing with Nasuada, eyes wide) Wait, what?!
Nasuada: What that white boy say?!
JoeMerl: (pointing dramatically) Robotic arms, deploy!
(Robotic arms fly down from ceiling and grab Lightcullen618, Murtagh and Brom. There is a whirl of movement, and a few seconds later all three are onstage, Murtagh in a tux, Lightcullen618 in a pristine white wedding dress and Brom dressed as a minister.)
Murtagh: What the fu--
Brom: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join this man and this fangirl together, against the groom's consent. Do you, Lightcullen618, take this fictional character to be your lawfully wedded husband?
Nasuada: (storming the stage) Oh NO SHE DON'T!
Lightcullen618: (taking karate poise) Bring it, bitch!
(Huge fight begins; JoeMerl cackles evilly.)
JoeMerl: Dance, my puppets, dance!
(In the audience, Earl, who is dancing with...I don't know, Katrina, leans over to Krashnaranthar, who is dancing--against his will, because I control all!--with Angela.)
Earl: I can't wait to see what happens if JoeMerl gets 200 reviews and 20,000 hits!
Krashnaranthar: Hopefully he'll kill me off by then...
(Scene fades out as the battle and dancing continues...MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA!)