Happy New year everyone!

Thanks for all the great reviews and I am glad no one hated me too much for the break up. I'm glad people cared about it though, it means I'm doing something right :)

This chapter is filled with more angst I do apologise... I hope you guys are still in this with me because I am still loving writing this fic and hearing what people think about it.

Anyway: Enjoy (hopefully)...

Emily's POV

The call went straight to voicemail.

The silence on the other end of the line was almost eerie, when finally I found the courage to speak I felt like my voice was echoing into a dark pit of nothingness.

"Hi Paige" My words were faint and strange in my mouth like I had forgot how it felt to form her name with my lips; I drew an uneasy breath before I continued.

"It's me… again" the words I had wanted to say slipped out of my mind and I was left with nothing but a timid stutter for a few moments. I drew another deeper breath now and pushed myself on.

"I don't know if you got my last message or not but…" I need to get to the point. "I miss you" I felt my voice crack with emotion.

I was silent again half hoping that Paige's husky voice would answer from the other end and say she missed me too. I hoped in vain though, the silence was all that answered me.

"I'm sorry" I said the word through a lump that was forming in my throat. I wanted to explain what for. Sorry for not listening to you, sorry for the guilt, sorry that I forced you to break up with me. Sorry if I caused you pain. I knew what I was sorry for but the words wouldn't come out. "I'm just so sorry" I said instead.

I was sorry and over the past six months I had realised that everything Paige had done had been for me. She'd sacrificed her happiness for me.

It's what I convinced myself anyway, the alternative, that she just didn't love me anymore… that was too much for me to handle.

But as the weeks went by and the silence persisted the doubts crept into my mind like a disease. I could feel it making me bitter and angry and upset. I was desperate to hear her voice, to tell her I needed her in my life, that I could do this… we could do this. It didn't have to be all or nothing.

Most of all I just wanted to know she was alright. I'd rang her mom and she'd told me she was doing okay but she asked me to stop calling. She hadn't been rude, but she had been blunt and honest… the McCullers way.

And now I was desperate, I'd called my friends and asked them to try and speak to her but they all said they got no answer… I even got close to giving the training up and travelling back home and not leaving her door until she spoke to me, but by the sounds of it she wasn't even at college anymore and she wasn't at home. My efforts ended in tears when some of my friends from the training programme found me getting into a taxi to the airport and forced me to stay.

It had been two months since then, two more months of silence and calls being ignored. Emails, texts and letters not being replied to. Two more months of utter loneliness. I had always worried what it would be like to live without Paige in my life but I hadn't never really grasped just how bad it could be, never really appreciated how much she filled my world with love and light and laughter until she wasn't in it anymore. It was like someone had ripped my heart to pieces and in its place I now had a block of ice that left me cold and shaking with every beat.

Paige had been my salvation, she had brought me back from the edge when Maya had died, she had taught me how to be passionate, how to follow my heart and how to love myself. She had been my rock, she was my inspiration and courage and now she was gone. I played with the anchor necklace around my neck again in a desperate attempt to give myself some comfort and reassure myself she was still real… that we had been real.

The loneliness was always there even when I was surrounded by a group of people, but it was the silence that was worse than anything. I just needed to know if she still cared.

"I know you haven't replied… I just… I don't want to give up on us" I found myself speaking again.

"I still love you, I'll always love you… please Paige. We can make this work, I'll stay here and train and follow my dreams, but we can still be together… we have to be together… " I'd said these words so many times now I was starting to feel like I was a parrot, repeating words I no longer understood the meaning of.

I took a long breath before I continued. "I just need to know if you still love me, please. If you don't then… then that's okay" I lied. "I just need to know… I need to know you're going to be okay. I need to know you're happy. I need you to be happy Paige… you deserve to be happy" I had said everything I could and I was becoming aware of how strong the silence on the other end was, mocking me for making a fool of myself and talking into a mailbox that was probably full with pleading messages from me.

I didn't say anything more I just hung up the phone before it would have caught the sound of tears in my voice. Maybe I had been wrong… maybe this was what she wanted now. Maybe I had to let her go.

It took two more months before the nightmares ended… and when they did it took me a few nights to realise they were missing from my nightly routine.

Life had slipped into a routine. For 4 hours every six days of the week I trained, in the pool, on the track, in the gym. I trained with the best in the world, always pushing me harder, never letting me slip off track. In the evenings I trained alone, fitting in extra fitness training around the study I had decided to carry on with; I needed something to keep my brain occupied.

On Sundays we had the day off but I found that most Sundays were just like every other day but instead of training with the coaches I trained with the other girls I was sharing a room with.

There were ten Americans here and I shared a room with 2 of them. The training was intense, the culture was intense, we went on a few trips around Europe in the time I was there, to Paris, Berlin… small little places with names I could never remember. The whole experience was intense but for some reason it always felt a little flat to me, like I was missing the point of it all.

I was a different person these days, I had to be. I felt like I had left the old Emily behind and now I was something different. Someone tougher who put on a brave face and only cared about swimming the fastest laps and reaching my goal. I still spoke to my friends and my family but there was a shift. I was more focused now, more focused than I had ever been.

Sometimes I missed the old me. Em, the girl who could get caught up in caring for people, the girl who loved to laugh and smile and hug and love. The girl who would sit up and stroke Paige's hair gently while she slept, who would count the freckles on her nose that you could only see when you were inches away. The girl who would relish in the small giggle that would come from her girlfriends mouth when she kissed her in just the right place… the girl who was happy and in love.

The girl who was complete; sometimes I missed her almost as much as I missed Paige.

But the old Emily was gone… just like Paige.

All I had now was my dream and I wasn't going to lose that too.

Paige's POV

It was hot for this time of year, a sort of heat I hadn't been expecting this morning when I decided to put a thick jacket on over my sports gear. I shrugged out of it and shoved it into my sports bag before I took a long drink from my bottle of water.

It had been 9 months since I had dropped out of college. My parents were still mad at me but they had finally begun to speak to me again for the first time since I had told them of my decision.

My dad was the worst. "You're working in a BAR?" He's asked with a mixture of disgust and disbelief "but you're so intelligent… you could have done anything. You could have been a doctor or a lawyer" He'd shaken his head and mumbled to himself for the rest of the Friday night meal. I could have been a swimmer too. I had said in my head when I had heard his words. If I hadn't had an accident and missed out on my final swim meets of senior year… if I hadn't freaked out and given up. I could have had a lot of things if the world was different… if I had made different choices. I could still have Emily. But I didn't. Things were different and so was I.

The fact that working in a bar was only part time didn't seem to make it any better to my parents, they thought it meant that I would be cleaning glasses and wiping up spilt drinks until I was old and grey. I had other plans.

College had lost any magic it had held as soon as I returned there for my second year. I realised that without Emily to distract me I really had no idea what I was doing with my life. I didn't know what I wanted, all I knew is that staying there to study and party with everyone else who was focused and happy and enjoying their life was something I definitely didn't want.

The hardest part was leaving Taylor behind as my roommate had become the best friend I had ever really had… apart from Emily. Thinking of Emily again. I scolded myself for it like I did every time I pictured her.I had found it was easier to make it through each day if I tried to keep any thoughts of her pushed as far out of my mind as possible… it definitely wasn't an easy thing to do.

I now had three jobs; I worked in an busy bar in the evenings and in the local gym at the weekends. Mostly I worked on the reception, it was pretty boring but it had the greatest perks as I got to use the facilities for free including the huge pool and I made the most of it. The job I enjoyed the most though was working as an assistant for a local photographer. He was an oldish man who's equipment was older still, he did a lot of weddings and high school dances, pretty average things but I was learning a lot about different lenses and developing pictures. He seemed quite pleased that I had come in asking for a job, I like the quiet types, he'd told me one afternoon when we were working in silence. That was one thing I was good at, silence.

It had always been something I used as a defence mechanism back in high school. I could shut myself off from other people, rely only on myself and not have to deal with the outside world.

When Alison used to torment me I would go to that lonely place inside my own head where no one could reach me, when I realised I was different than most of the other girls I settled myself firmly in there and disconnected myself from the world.

Then Emily happened.

She'd changed everything, she'd given me the strength to stop shutting the world out and embrace it and everyone who tried to put me down. She'd forced me to let her in.

I let her in and I wasn't lonely anymore, I was alive and happy and complete.

But now she was gone, maybe because of her… or maybe it was my fault, the lines were so hazy now I sometimes found myself forgetting who broke up with who. Then I found myself remembering it was me who let her go, it was me who ended it, it was me who had ignored her calls for so long.

At first I just let my phone ring and waited with my eyes shut until I knew I wouldn't see her name on my screen anymore. I even deleted her number from my phone so that I wouldn't have to see it, but I knew her number by heart now. I ended up switching my phone off completely, often for days at a time. Sometimes my mom would worry when she couldn't contact me but I always got back to her eventually and it was something she learnt to live with.

It's better this way I told myself every time I ignored Emily's call. She'll get over me in time and then she can live her life like she should. Answering her call will not help either of us. It had become a speech I gave myself every day when I saw the number flashing on the screen.

She left messages but I didn't listen to them. I couldn't listen to them. Not if I was going to survive this, just hearing her name or catching a smell that reminded me of her was enough to make me feel like my heart was being ripped out a fresh each time so I knew actually hearing her voice, that sweet wonderful voice, would be too much for me to cope with.

One day the calls stopped.

It left a bittersweet feeling in my heart, I wanted her to get over me and let go… I just had no idea it would hurt me so much to realise it had happened.

I tried to focus on me and do things for myself that would make me happy, that was why I left college. I was starting a photography course in a months' time and I was hoping I would find some happiness there… I didn't expect too much though, my source of happiness was thousands of miles away and I was here; alone again.

Slipping back into being my old self came easy now Emily was gone. I found the place in my head again and spent most of my time alone, trying hard to think about anything other than the girl who still had my heart.

I had the feeling people thought I was rude but I had given up caring what other people thought about me a long time ago. I had no real friends these days except for Taylor, who always tried her best to cheer me up and set me up with someone else. I never accepted though, I was not ready to move on yet even after a year. I didn't think I would ever be ready… maybe this was what it was going to be forever, me and my broken heart pining over a girl who I had left so she could achieve her dreams.

How romantic. I thought with a bitter grimace. I am Paige McCullers after all, what did I expect? Life was never easy for someone like me.

3 years later...

Emily's POV

"The final lap, Fields still has a strong lead"

"I think she might do it" the commentator's voice boomed.

The noise of the crowd was almost deafening as I watched myself on screen swimming the final lap, even though I knew how it ended I still felt nervous watching it even after so many viewings.

"And she takes the Gold, another Gold for America from Emily Fields"

I walked into the room fully and took the remote out of Alexis's hands and pressed the pause button.

"Watching this again?" I asked with a little laugh.

"It's such a kick ass moment" she winked at me and I rolled my eyes.

"it is isn't it?" I admitted as I remembered the feeling when the gold medal was hung around my neck.

The last year felt like a blur, it was swimming and training and travelling and competing in qualifiers and doing press interviews and finally swimming for real in the Olympics. And now it was over and my dreams had come true.

It felt… it felt unreal. Like this whole thing had happened to someone else and I was just standing next to them watching them achieve their dream.

Something was missing, something that I pretended I didn't need anymore, something… someone who I tried to convince myself I shouldn't need anymore.

Paige.

I missed her in more ways than one, she hadn't only been my girlfriend, she had been my best friend, my competition, my training partner, my equal in every way. Someone who had more influence in getting me to that moment than any coach had ever had. I wished she could have been there to share that moment with me.

But she wasn't. She couldn't be because she wasn't mine anymore.

It had been 4 years and I hadn't heard a word from her. Her parents had moved from Rosewood by the time I returned for Christmas, she had disappeared off the face of the earth for all I knew and I liked to think in my head that she was somewhere sunny, laughing and joking with new friends and new people that made her happy, a big smile on her face… not a grin though, her grin was only for me.

I remembered lazy mornings in bed together when she would wake me up with a kiss and show me her grin, the one that showed all her perfect teeth and made her light brown eyes sparkle in a way that was almost impossible. Like her eyes were full of a million lights.

"Babe, you okay?" Alexis was stood in front of me now and I met her gaze guiltily. I had drifted off into my own thoughts for a moment like I did a lot.

"Fine, sorry" I answered in a small voice as I turned away from her and tried to make my way towards the kitchen.

I felt her hand on my arm as she pulled me back.

"You're doing it again" she said softly.

"Doing what?" I feigned innocent even though I knew exactly what she was talking about.

She just raised her eyebrows in response.

"I wish you would tell me what's going on sometimes, I feel like ever since we started dating you have started to shut me out" I felt my stomach twist uncomfortably.

"I'm not" I didn't know if I was or not… maybe I was, it was hard to know what I was doing these days. Everything had happened so fast.

One moment Alexis had been my PR manager, training me on how to deal with the press, coaching me on interviews and getting me magazine and advert deals… and the next she was taking me out to dinner.

Somewhere along the way we were officially dating. Girlfriends? And now I found myself with someone.. someone who wasn't Paige… and I wasn't used to it. I wasn't sure if I wanted to be used to it.

"Okay" she said, as if she wasn't convinced. She dropped her hand from my arm and I took note at how thin her arms were, nothing like Paige's slender but toned ones. Stop it Emily. I told myself forcefully, I couldn't do that. I couldn't compare.

Alexis was nice, Alexis was fun, she was pretty and successful, she liked me and she was here. I couldn't compare.

"You better get ready, we need to leave in an hour" she was saying now. He tone was back to the business voice she often slipped into when talking about my career or any aspects of it.

Even though she wasn't officially my manager anymore… she might have well of been.

"Ok, I'll go shower" I turned to head to the bathroom, I wasn't really looking forward to tonight.

A sporting charity event, giving awards for people who had contributed to the cause, it would probably be the same old thing of people with big egos looking to seem like they were supporting a good cause. I guess I couldn't say much… wasn't I doing the same?

"And babe, wear the black dress tonight, you look sexy in it" She winked at me and I paused.

"I was going to wear the red one" I spoke back. "Do you not think it's more… I don't know, exciting?"

"My votes the black, but go with the red if you want" She walked past me into the kitchen and I headed to the shower. Later that night we left, she was wearing blue and I was wearing red... I guess I was fed up of following someone else's advice.

Paige's POV

"I got the other camera you asked for" My assistant appeared at my side and I smiled as I took it out of her hand.

"You're a life saver" I took the camera and gave her the other one in return.

"Will you put that with the other stuff in the back" she nodded and left while I flicked the settings on the camera to what I wanted. After a long stressful year balancing a photography course and interning, or as I call 'making coffee', at Sports Illustrated magazine I had finally managed to impress, by not taking no for an answer, and get a job assisting on their photography team. 2 years later and I had been promoted enough to be responsible for my own shoots. I'd gone about a year insisting I didn't need an assistant but about a month ago I had finally given in and hired Rachel, she was a great assistant and I knew I had got lucky finding her.

I moved through the crowded room again and took my position to the left hand side of the stage where I knew I would be needed. People took to the stage and I captured it all with my camera, the handshakes and the exchanging of a prize, there were some quite big names here today but after 3 years I had stopped getting star struck when a sporting hero walked past me.

Today's job was some sort of sport trust, and if I had understood properly some sort of sporting charity which was awarding prizes to people in sport who had done a lot to raise money. It was all for a good cause I knew, but I couldn't help but feel like many of the athletes were here just to be caught looking like a good guy.

Everyone was full of smiles and small talk about their sport, it reminded me of high school and the endless events and award nights organised by the swim team.

There I was again, thinking about high school. I rolled my eyes and focused back on what I was meant to be doing. A fat man with a balding head was shaking hands with a young guy on the stage who had half his hair covering his face, I took a picture anyway even though no one would be able to identify who it was with all that hair.

Once the awards had stopped and the noise level had increased again I took the opportunity to wander back to the place where I had stored the extra roll of film in a smaller room at the back of the large room.

"Here" Rachel said as I entered, passing me the new roll she knew I would be looking for.

"You read my mind" I joked as I passed her the one that was almost full and she put it carefully back into a case.

"Did you see Jack Cooke?" She asked me in an excited tone as I inserted the new roll into my camera.

"Jack who?" I laughed and pretended not to know who she was talking about.

She rolled her eyes. "Basketball player, NBA?" She looked at me with an amused expression when I still didn't respond.

"He's famous" she explained. "Like real famous" she was smiling. "Are you sure you work for a sporting magazine?" she laughed when I winked at her and laughed.

"Of course I saw him, how can you miss him… he's nearly 7 foot tall" She hit me on the arm playfully.

"There are so many famous athletes here tonight" she was almost giddy.

"I didn't notice" I teased again but it was a lie, it was hard to not notice. I had never been one for basketball but I still followed the sport in some way. I still watched most sport, not only for my job but because sport was calming for me. Just like swimming used to be.

I couldn't think about swimming anymore. I couldn't really think about anything like that as it just reminded me of her. I tried to not think about her if I could help it.

I'd made the mistake about a year ago of giving in and watching the women's swimming finals in the Olympics and I saw her for a moment on screen; skin glowing from the water, a perfect smile on her face as she spoke to the cameras.

She won a gold, my baby won a freaking gold medal! Had been my first thought when I had seen it, and then I remembered the reality. The fact that I hadn't spoke to her in nearly 3 years and the pride turned to sadness and confusion again. Sadness and anger at myself that I had let her go, but confusion because I was still so proud of her and I knew I had done the right thing all those years ago.

I had tried to remind myself that she was just Emily Fields the swimmer, but all I saw was my Emily who was living her dreams perfectly well without me.

It was best not to think about her at all.

I shook away my thoughts and met Rachel's eyes and noticed she still looked excited, I laughed a little at this.

"When you work a few events like this, the excitement sort of goes away. Try not to get too star stuck" I smiled at her and she nodded.

"Don't worry Paige, I won't start asking for autographs. I'm quite good at keeping my cool around people who impress me" she gave me a look then that made me feel like I was a teenager again, red faced and awkward. The look only lasted a second and I was glad when it was gone and her normal smile returned. I didn't know what that was, but the last thing I needed, last thing I wanted was anything like that from her. I cleared my throat and pointed at the smaller camera in the bag.

"Can you take some pictures of the awards for me, maybe just a few of the winners as well?"

"Sure" She smiled and took the camera in her hands before she left to jostle her way through the crowd again.

She is pretty I thought as I watched her leave. In a girl next door kind of way. I didn't even know much about her, I didn't know if she was single, I didn't even know if she was gay, straight… she could be a member of the royal family for all I knew. I felt a little bad then that I never took the time to get to know anyone these days.

I watched her walk away again and imagined what it would be like to go out on a date with someone like her, get dressed up and go to a fancy restaurant, talk and laugh and walk her home. The thought made my stomach twist uncomfortably.

I hadn't been on a date since her… the girl I didn't think about.

The truth was Rachel was too nice, she was a nice person like so many other people that had entered my life that I had shrugged away from, preferring to keep to the private space in my own head. She was too nice to get involved with someone like me, someone who was so fucked up in the head and hung up on someone they should have forgotten about a long time ago.

The first time I'd hooked up with someone else was nothing more than a hazy memory of too many Sambuca shots, a blur of skin and a very bad headache. The morning had come too soon and the taste of alcohol was choking and the person in the bed next to me was wrong and unfamiliar.

I'd slipped out of her apartment without a word before the sun had even risen properly.

The next time had been the same, it was always the same. The alcohol and the unfamiliarity, leaving before the other person woke up. It wasn't a common occurrence but when it happened I always seemed to forget who each person was, each girl would fade into the other. I knew it was a shitty thing to use people like that, but in the end it came down to the need to feel wanted, if only for the night, to feel a warm body next to me and make me feel like I wasn't actually all alone after all.

In reality… I was.

I shook myself out of my thoughts, I couldn't do this now. Not at work.

I followed Rachel and headed in the opposite direction, the organisers wanted me to get some natural shots of people socialising so I headed towards the table in the far corner where I saw a large group.

I worked my way politely and slowly through the crowd looking around me as I went. I glanced left and when my eyes fell upon a familiar face I stopped suddenly in my tracks, frozen.

It was one of those moments where the world stops, all sound leaves the room, all air leaves your lungs and you're just stood standing perfectly still, a prisoner to your own shock, to your own body that locks up as if it means to kill you.

The person behind me bumped into me accidently as I froze, I heard a muttered apology and only when I saw them give me a glare did I realise it was me who had spoken. My mouth had lost all moisture.

Somehow my feet remembered how to move and I twisted out of his way to reach the side of the room. When I was leaning firmly against the wall I let my eyes find her again in the crowd and my heart stopped.

It's really her.

For the first time in 4 years I let my eyes take in the sight of Emily Fields. She hadn't changed a lot, her hair was still long and sleek and tonight she was wearing it straight. She was wearing a long red dress that was sleeveless on one side that hugged her figure perfectly.

I felt my stomach flip as I let the reality that I was in the same room as her sink in. She was just a few meters away from me, the girl who's face I knew better than anyone's in the world but who was now closer to a stranger than anything else. I knew the way her eyes sparkled when she laughed, I knew the way her kisses tasted, I knew the way she looked under that dress … but I couldn't help but feel like I didn't know this girl at all anymore.

I felt myself panic as my heart beat sped up, I had often thought about a situation like this, a time when I would see her again. Though, in my imagination it had been different.

In my imagination I had been confident and I had gone up to her and told her everything I wanted to say, the conversation always ended a different way but it always started the same. I was always confident.

But right now I felt like my legs were made of water; I'm sure she was more beautiful than I remembered. She was exquisite and made everyone else in the room look dull and plain, like they were in black and white and she was the only one in colour.

I watched her talk to the people she was with and I didn't know what to do. Part of me wanted to run across the room and wrap my arms around her, kiss her neck like I used to, stroke my hands along her smooth arms. Talk to her at least. Hear her voice. But another part of me wanted to run away and try and forget about her again, carry on the way I had the past 4 years. Leave now and be happy in the fact that she looked so happy, so successful… so beautiful.

I glanced down at the floor and took a deep breath trying to process my thoughts and come to a decision, however when I looked up I realised my decision had been made for me.

Emily was staring right at me, her mouth hanging open in shock.

Emily's POV

I nodded again at what the older woman was saying, I had already forgotten her name and I just hoped I wouldn't need to remember it.

"Yeah" I said with a polite smile, agreeing with whatever it was she was saying now. The other, slightly younger woman who was stood with us asked another question and the older woman burst into another tale about someone I didn't know and didn't really care that much about. I let my eyes wander around the crowded room subtly for a moment, trying to find someone who I knew who could save me from this conversation. The conversation was always the same at events like this, I didn't enjoy them but I knew it looked bad if I didn't attend.

I glanced to my right but couldn't see Alexis or any other people I knew anywhere. I looked to my left and that was when I saw her.

It was like being hit by 4 years' worth of emotion in one strike.

I let out a small gasp and my mouth opened slightly in shock. She was stood there looking down at the floor with a camera in her hand, dressed in a fitted black waistcoat. I couldn't see her face properly but it was definitely her.

It was Paige.

All the noise in the room seemed to disappear as she lifted her head and her eyes met mine. For the first time in 4 years I saw her light brown eyes focus on mine and I felt my heart skip in my chest.

Paige was here, in the room with me after all this time and I didn't know what to do. She looked a bit different, her hair was a richer brown and she looked slightly older, but she was still Paige. She still managed to look gorgeous in her casual clothes with her hair tied back lazily. She still made my heart beat so fast in my chest I thought I might explode.

It felt like we stared at each other for hours but it must have been no more than a second as when I turned back to the two women I was talking to they hadn't seemed to notice I wasn't paying attention.

"Sorry" I began clumsily interrupting the conversation, Paige had filled my head and I couldn't concentrate properly. "Could you just excuse me for a minute" I found myself speaking and they both looked confused at my sudden change but nodded anyway.

I turned back to Paige and found she was still looking at me. Her face was so familiar yet so foreign I felt a tremble of fear run all the way through my body. I didn't know what I was going to say but I knew I needed to talk to her.

I began to walk slowly through the crowd towards her and I felt like I wanted to cry, or scream or laugh but my face just stayed neutral. In shock.

Before could stop it a small smile was tugging at the corners of my mouth, I was sure my smile looked ridiculous but it was all I could think to do in this surreal moment. She smiled back, a smile that seemed to be cautious yet happy at the same time. I had reached her now and I was stood awkwardly in front of her.

"Paige" her name slipped effortlessly through my lips as I reached her and stopped in front of her.

"Hello Emily" Her voice was exactly the same, low and husky as it wrapped around my name. I realised I had missed her voice more than anything else. Four years of silence and I was hearing it again.

"What…why…are you…" I couldn't quite get my words out and she smiled slightly at me as I struggled.

"I'm working" She said as she held up her camera shyly. "I can't believe you're here" She added as her eyes wandered over my face like they had many times before. "You've not changed" her eyes were moving over me, like she was seeing right inside of me, it made my heart beat faster again and I had never felt more vulnerable.

"Neither have you" I found it in me to smile even though I had never felt more intense in my life. "It's been a long time" my voice was strained as I spoke.

"4 years" she said, the reality of it hitting me as she said it. I couldn't quite believe I hadn't seen her for 4 years.

"How are you?" We both said the words at the same time and we laughed lightly, slightly awkwardly. It was bizarre that I was laughing now, this shouldn't be funny… but I had a feeling the laughter was to cover up the fact I was finding it hard to breath.

"Sorry" she began and I shook my head.

"This is surreal" I admitted as our eyes locked together again "I mean seeing you after all this time."

"Yeah" She agreed with me and we continued to watch each other like we both couldn't quite believe it.

I was trying to reach for words to say in my head but everything I thought of didn't seem right. Nothing seemed good enough to say to her after 4 years of silence, everything seemed like small talk when I thought about how long it had been without her.

Paige's POV

I could feel the thud of my heartbeat behind my ears as Emily looked at me.

"This is surreal" She was saying, and I found myself nodding and saying "Yeah" as I struggled to remember all the words I had wanted to say to her.

Nothing was coming to my mind so I just stared back, letting my eyes melt into hers.

"You're a photographer?" She was looking between my camera and my face like she was trying to decide where to focus her gaze.

I nodded dumbly, watching the way she moved her eyes.

"I'm really happy for you" she spoke quietly.

I gazed back at her, wanting to thank her but not being able to find the words.

"Thanks" I managed clumsily looking down at my shoes. I met her eyes again. "You won Gold" I said, my tone reflecting how proud I was of that. I noticed she blushed slightly and I remembered how much I loved the sight of her blushing.

"I always knew you could get a Gold" I said truthfully as she smiled shyly back. There was a long silence.

"Paige, I called you so many times…"

"I know" I interrupted her not sure I could handle where this might go. My eyes showed a hint of apology I was hoping she would pick up on.

We looked at each other again until the moment was broken by a tall sandy haired girl who appeared at Emily's side.

"Hey babe, I've been looking for you everywhere" She began to speak as she found Emily's arm with her hand.

"Nancy Davis is looking for you, she wants your opinion on the new swim board regs'" she rolled her eyes at Emily until she seemed to realise that Emily was looking at me.

She seemed to notice me for the first time and looked briefly in my direction until she looked back at Emily whose face had gone a shade paler and was now looking at this other girl slightly awkwardly.

"Alexis" She said the girls name and I felt my stomach twist; I didn't like this. "This is Paige" She glanced at me quickly but avoided my eyes. "Paige, this is Alexis, my err…" She seemed to be struggling with her words.

"Babe, I'm not you manager anymore you can tell people I'm your girlfriend" the girl giggled and I felt the knot in my stomach tighten but I didn't let it show on my face.

"This is my girlfriend Alexis" Emily said finally, still not meeting my eyes. "Paige is…" She began to introduced me and I panicked about what she would say next, not knowing if I could deal with hearing an explanation of what we were now out loud.

"The photographer" I explained for myself, cutting Emily off and avoiding her eyes myself this time.

"Oh great" Alexis said sticking her hand out to shake mine, I took it reluctantly and forced myself to smile. "Nice to meet you" She added.

I couldn't find words so I just nodded back, I felt slightly sick even though I knew I had no right to care about this. I hadn't been with Emily for years; I hadn't even spoken to her in years. She wasn't mine anymore. She was happy with someone else, someone who's hand was hot and clammy against my own.

"I was actually about to go and look for you, a group of us wanted our photo taken before the end of the night, would you mind, I'll just go and get them"

I nodded dumbly back to her as she smiled. "Be back in a second babe" She said to Emily before she disappeared into the crowd again leaving me and Emily alone in silence.

"Paige" Emily said my name but I didn't let her continue.

"She seems nice" I said, almost convincing myself with my sincere tone. "How long have you been together?"

Emily flashed me a look that I couldn't really interpret before she took a breath. "4 months" she answered with a small nod. "She was my manager" She explained and I found myself nodding.

"That's sweet" I said, cursing myself for it as soon as I said it as it sounded slightly sarcastic. I knew I had no right to care about this at all.

"Paige" Emily began again. "You didn't have to say you were just the photographer back then" She seemed to have a worried expression on her face as she spoke.

"I am the photographer" I said casually. "It's fine"

"But you're not just that to me" She seemed slightly annoyed by my words.

"I know" I met her eyes. "But what's the point in bringing up the past?"

Emily's face seemed to fall and we stared at each other for another moment until Alexis returned with a small group of people.

"Who knew it was so hard to get 6 people together" She joked as she returned to Emily's side, her arm sliding round Emily's waist casually. I tried not to stare by focusing on the new faces in the group and smiling politely.

"Would you mind getting a few of us?" She gathered everyone together and I remembered the camera in my hand and fumbled with it as I nodded. I stepped back and brought the camera up to my eye as the group came together, Emily at the end standing as if she would rather be anywhere in the world rather than there.

I took four photos and watched as Emily changed her face to smile briefly before her blank and confusing expression returned.

"Is that okay?" I asked and Alexis nodded.

"Wonderful" She smiled. "Will these be on the website?" She asked and I nodded in response.

I felt a body next to me and turned to see Rachel, my assistant, appear at my side.

"I need your help with these settings, I can't work out how to change the light input" She began speaking and I was pulled away from the interaction with the other woman and I nodded.

"Okay, I'll come and sort it out" I answered as Rachel left and I turned to look at Emily for a second to see Alexis still had hold of her arm.

Emily pulled away from her girlfriend, who was in conversation with a member of the group and took a step closer to me.

"Paige" she was saying my name a lot tonight. "Can I see you again sometime?" The look she gave me was pleading.

I was silent for a moment as I looked quickly to Alexis, the girl was tall and slender and rather pretty. She was a good match for Emily and she did seem nice. Maybe I could deal with it.

"I've really missed you" I met her eye as she spoke again and tried hard not to let any emotion from her words show, the words were like sweet music and a brutal blow all in one.

"Me too" I said cautiously, fully aware that her girlfriend was stood a meter away. Her girlfriend, it was too strange to deal with.

"Call me sometime?" I asked, trying to remain casual as I pulled out a business card from my pocket that had my new cell phone number on it.

"The bottom number is my cell" I handed her the card quickly and she took it, grazing my hand with her fingers slightly as she did.

It was the first time I had touched her in 4 years, and I knew that I would never be able to touch her more than that ever again. That thought made me sad so I turned to leave hastily before I let more emotion show.

"Paige" she was calling me again and I turned back around to look at her. "Are you okay?" her question was innocent, so innocent and caring but it almost made me want to laugh out loud. Was I okay? I was the furthest from okay anyone had ever been in the history of the world. I had lost the girl I had been, and still was, head over heels in love with and it was my own fault. I'd left her.

It was the worst sort of self-loathing I had ever experienced.

"I'm fine" I lied.

She looked at me with those eyes, the perfect sparkling eyes and I let myself get carried away for a moment.

"You look great by the way… you always look beautiful in red" I didn't wait to hear her reply I turned back around and darted back through the crowd.

One thing was for sure… I was definitely still madly in love with Emily Fields.

I would love to hear your opinion :) until next time... Keep calm and ship Paily ;)