"In Need of Wings"

Chapter the Twenty-First

~ Three months later ~

.

Ahsoka was getting used to the nightmares.

The constant sense of dread and impending destruction. Using alcohol to drown out Vader's voice. Using violence to keep herself busy—sometimes in the form of her and Asajj doing a little sparring to keep in shape, and on other occasions, dealing with authority on the current planet they were staying on.

It slowly became normal to her.

To remember her old self, little more than a child in the war, when she vowed she would never get used to seeing the slaughter and brutality around her, almost made her laugh now. How could she have known that all of this would feel so routine one day? That one day, she would not be able to conceive of a moment going by where she was not reminded of it all?

"I can't let you die, Ahsoka."

"Master, no!" she cried. She would have pulled at the binders again, except they severely electrocuted her each time she did.

Helpless where she knelt on the cold metal floor, Ahsoka watched as her master set down his lightsaber in front of the Duros bounty hunter.

"We'll deal with the Holocron later," Anakin said in a hushed tone of voice, eyes cold with fear.

"How touching," the bounty hunter muttered.

Ahsoka's breath caught in her throat. Her heart sank. The mission was about to fail and who knows how much damage would be caused by the Jedi Holocron, and it was all her fault. She let Bane take her by surprise. All her fault. Maybe if she had been a little smarter, a little stronger, a little faster, this never would have happened.

"I'm sorry, Skyguy…" she whispered.

The burning Temple clouds her vision. The Jedi Order is gone. All she sees is Lord Vader standing over the dead bodies of everyone she loved. His red lightsaber is aimed for her next. She stands completely frozen, unable to move. He smiles at her, sweet and kind, just like he did when he offered her Padawan beads back when the trial was over. Except now his teeth and chin are dripping with blood, like he ripped out Jedi's throats no better than a wild animal would. His eyes glow yellow but there is no life in them anymore.

"There is always death, sweet little Snips," he sings to her. Then he screams. "Come back!"

And the only sane thought in her mind is that maybe, just maybe, this would not have happened if she didn't walk away from the Order. But she will never know that for sure.

All her fault…

"You belong with me!"

Her cry always jolts her awake the moment before the red lightsaber swings down on her neck.

Ahsoka rubbed her eyes and slowly sat up. Before heading to Sleight of Hand's main room, she quickly glanced at her reflection in the mirror—mostly at the new scar on the top of her left lekku she earned two days ago in a sparring session with Asajj, after she Force-pushed her into a ventilation pipe. Small flakes of cheap mascara still clung to her lashes. Her cheeks were more hollow now as well. Other than all of this, she was still her same old self.

Whether that was a good thing or a bad thing, Ahsoka did not even know anymore.

She pulled on the skirt, tank top, and jacket that still smelled of spices and deathsticks from the cheap store they were bought from. Her civilian clothing had much less color now. Blacks, dark blues, purples, and reds helped her blend in better. She usually covered the tops of her montrals to further blend in. She kept a simple dark metal ring with small spikes around the lower part of each montral…helped make her look a bit more intimidating. Matched her cruddy boots. For the hell of it, she put on some cheap black lipstick as well.

She liked her new look.

The aroma of freshly brewed caf rose from the small kitchen in the corner of the room. Bane was sitting at the table. Judging by the state of his clothing, he had been away most of the night on another job. He seemed more worn out than usual and barely even glanced at her or said Morning when she walked in.

Ahsoka had a sinking feeling that something about Bane had not been the same since Darth Vader tortured him. Same way she had never been the same since Wasskah, or Zygerria, or Order 66. You don't just 'snap back' from something like that. Especially considering their circumstances.

She sat across from Bane as she stirred five packs of sugar in her cup of caf.

"Who did you work for yesterday?" she asked, still waking up.

"No one important." Bane was drinking a lukewarm beer. Ahsoka battled the temptation to smack it out of his hand.

"Well, what did you do?"

"Nothing important." He glanced away.

Ahsoka frowned at him. It was probably exhaustion keeping him quiet. Granted, they all were. Exhausted from always being on the run from the Empire. Of scraping by just to pay for food and supplies. Of tolerating each other's night terrors, mood swings, and dangerous coping mechanisms.

"Was it…fun?"

"Not really. Payment will cover fuel and repair expenses for the next several weeks or so. So that's good."

"Good…" She looked away. By new habit, she reached up and traced her lekku scar. Bane's slight frown when he glanced at the scar said enough for her. "You still mad at Asajj about that?"

"She almost gave you a concussion."

"She really is sorry. It was an accident, Cad."

"Then if she's as good a fighter as she claims to be, she should have known better. It was careless."

Ahsoka sighed and crossed her legs.

"Yeah, well, I'm still going to insist you're too hard on her. I heard how much you yelled at her after that."

"I'm not apologizing."

"You should."

Bane's consequential glare at her made the silence awkward. Ahsoka had gotten used to constantly trying to make Bane and Asajj get along better. Their relationship, or lack thereof, had improved since Asajj joined them three months ago. But they still clashed regularly. Ahsoka hated it.

"So, got another job lined up?" she finally asked.

"Yeah, in two days. Corellia."

"Corellia's nice." Maybe she could explore one of the cities there. Or just find the nearest bar and get hammered with Asajj. Again.

"Why do you want to know? Want to come with this time?"

"No, I'll stay."

Bane finished the rest of his beer and set it on the table.

"I get it. Trying to get rid of me because I'm being 'over-protective' again."

"What? I wasn't…getting rid of you." Although she had to admit to herself, with how often they blew up at each other these days, the ship seemed a lot calmer when Bane was away. No…she hated to admit it. Her moods were far worse than his. If anyone should get away and give the others peace, it was her.

"You and Asajj probably plan to kick me out. I get it. No big deal. I understand you two lesbians need your 'alone time,'" he said dryly.

"Where is this coming from?" she snapped.

Bane sighed and rubbed his brow. Being stuck with him almost every day for close to a year now, she immediately knew what that meant. He had had nightmares last night, too.

"We're not leaving you, Cad. Did you dream about that?"

He nodded silently, resting his hand on his mouth and staring off. He looked hollowed out.

"In my nightmares, I see Vader," she said. Every day, I hear him, she wanted to say. But how could she explain the constant voice in her head without sounding insane…or, more insane?

"In mine, I'm abandoned." He took a sugar packet and flipped it absently between his fingers. "Everything just…wanders away and never looks back. I wake up thinking you're gone."

"I know," Ahsoka said quietly. "Asajj told me about her nightmares too. A lot of them are about Dathomir. And Count Dooku. That's all she let me know."

"That's a given." He stood up and cracked his back. "Maybe I should reschedule the job for another day. We can take a break, go do something together."

"You and me?"

"You know, like old times. When Skywalker was paying me to train you and I would teach you how to cheat at cards."

"Oh, yeah…" Those were the only old times she would ever care to relive with Bane. "But what for? I had my whole day planned. Go out to the nearest spaceport, go looking around for any fugitive Jedi, get nearly arrested by yet another cheap bounty hunter chasing after us, come back here, and drink until I pass out."

"Yeah, I got a better idea. Let's go target shooting with the sniper rifles."

Blow off steam by firing blasts at an inanimate hologram? She couldn't think of anything better to do with her day.

Ahsoka aimed the rifle at the target carefully. She had selected the hologram of one of Empire's newly christened 'stormtroopers' as her practice target. They looked very similar to clone troopers, but the differences stood out enough.

The first time stormtroopers came after them had startled Ahsoka. Despite the strong differences in armor design, they could not help but remind her of the clones. And all the men she lost under her command. But that was months ago. She could get used to it now.

The hard ground around them hurt to lay down on. Stretching out in every direction of Sleight of Hand was the wasteland of the Talus system. Dry plains with long fields and a lake in the distance if she looked out far enough. The cloudy sky made everything look gray and lifeless.

Before shooting, just to show off more to herself than to Bane, she pulled away to take a long drag from the cigarette she balanced on the ground. Then she adjusted her rifle again, took aim, and fired two blasts at the hologram's chest. It faded instantly, and was replaced by another hologram that began running at her. She took the second hologram down with a single headshot.

As she waited for the simulation to reactivate, Ahsoka glanced at Bane, tapping the toes of her boots against the dirt. Bane had taken off his hat and set it aside, all his focus set on his own target…which strongly resembled the bounty hunter, Boba Fett. Odd.

Fortunately, they had not seen him since the incident on Nar Shaddaa. But he would be back, they all knew that much. Boba Fett wasn't like the other bounty hunters they ran into now and then, all of whom they could take down in a fight if they were together. Fett was very good.

Bane muttered something as he shot at the target, but it was difficult to understand at first. The hologram appeared again and he shot at it and said the same thing again.

"Take that, little runt…"

Ahsoka rolled her eyes and looked back at her target. So Bane still held a grudge against the far younger hunter for taking him down so easily like that.

"When we're finished here, I'm hitting the nearest town."

"Sorry, 'Soka, am I boring you?"

"This isn't doing it for me." She shot the hologram a few more times as it came up, but turned off the simulation after that. There was no adrenaline rush from this at all. Slinging the rifle over her shoulder, Ahsoka got up and began heading back to the ship to grab some credits.

"Whatever. Suit yourself," Bane muttered.

As she walked away, she briefly considered offering to play cards with Bane when he was finished. 'Just like old times,' he had said. Back when all she had was her apartment on Coruscant and a dim future, but a future nonetheless. But at the last moment, she changed her mind, as she could not see the point of it anyway. Possibly better in the long run to forget all the old times.