Chapter 20

As Jake bound up the steps past Billy he didn't even look in his direction, ignoring his fathers worried gaze as it burnt holes into his back. Making his way into the house, Jake was beyond hungry and he knew that with Bella being gone, he was going to have to find something in the house to eat for the both of them. When the thought of calling Rachel entered his mind he shook it off, like he really needed her two cents. With a frustrated sigh Jake made his way to the refrigerator and pulled the door open.

Just as he suspected: nothing. Even with all the food he and Bella bought, all that was left was half a loaf of bread and some lunch meat, not nearly enough to feed him and his father. Mentally crossing his fingers that one of Bella's frozen meals was still stashed in the freezer, Jake held his breath and slowly opened the door. Groaning in frustration, Jake's eyes landed on the single box that sat inside the freezer, unsure what it was due to the frost build up, Jake reached for it. Scrubbing off the frost Jake grit his teeth together and fought the wave of anger that washed over him. Of course it was meatloaf. Unable to contain the snarl any longer he tore the box open and slammed the frozen tray on the counter, reaching for a knife he may have stabbed the plastic a little too hard, and drug the knife through it just a little to roughly but he didn't care. He didn't want to eat this shit meatloaf, he wanted Bella's meatloaf all covered in sticky ketchupy goodness. Chucking the frozen tray into the stove he smacked the knobs and turned around, his hands fisted in his hair.

"You ok there, son?"

Jake's back stiffened as Billy's question rolled through the tiny kitchen, fucking great, letting his hands drop from his hair he tucked them under his armpits in order to keep from doing something stupid like tearing the meatloaf box on the counter to oblivion, "Everything's just great, Dad."

Watching Billy's lip press into a thin line, Jake waited for him to say something. After a few seconds he pushed himself off the counter and made his way toward the hall, "I'm going to take a shower, I'll be back before it's done."

Jake could hear his dad suck in a deep breath and let it gush out slowly before the wheels of his chair squeaked across the living room floor. The same time he flipped on the shower he heard the tv come to life and the tell-tale sign of a beer cracking open.

When the water was ice cold and the smell of the meatloaf wafted into the bathroom, Jake knew it wouldn't be long before they were sitting uncomfortably across each other at the table. The thought of it made his teeth mash together. He hated the fact that he knew what it was going to be like when he went out there, he hated it even more because he knew it was all his fault. He hadn't sat down to a dinner with his father since before he left two years ago. When he came back with Dakota it was always, at the very least, the three of them, more often that not Embry and Quil joined them and sometimes even the entire pack would come over. But now he knew, after the way he treated Embry and Quil earlier, they wouldn't be coming around and well, Bella made her decision clear too. As slowly as he could Jake ran the towel over his body, trying to think of any way to drag out the inevitable.

His thoughts were interrupted when Billy's voice rang down the hall, "Jacob, you might want to check the food, I think it's starting to burn."

Shit Jake muttered as he threw the towel on the floor and jerked his dirty cutoffs back on.

When the door opened he could smell the faintest hint of food burning so he made quick work of getting himself to the kitchen, not even bothering to look in his father's direction. Pulling open the oven, relief washed over him when he realized that it was just a little gravy bubbling over the tray. Pulling the meatloaf out with his bare hands, Jake didn't even wince at the heat of it. As he placed the food on the counter, Billy's slow approach caused a wave of dread to wash over him. Hanging his head, Jake went about cutting the food and putting it on separate plates before he found a bag of stale potato chips and flung them on the kitchen table where Billy was waiting.

~TIBC~

The last ten minutes had been the longest of his life, or well it sure as hell felt like it to Jake. Not a word had been said between the two, the sounds of their forks scraping across their plates and the rustle of the potato chip bag were the only thing filling up the silent room. Pushing his plate back, Jake leaned back in his chair rubbing his not-quite-full stomach. If Bella were here, the meatloaf wouldn't have tasted like ass and he sure as hell would have been full. He could feel himself scowling at the empty plate but he didn't care.

"It's not the same, is it?"

Jake's eyes snapped up, the hint of humor in Billy's voice instantly aggravating him, "Oh no, that was the best damn meatloaf I've ever had, Dad."

The humor slid from Billy's face in a flash as his eyes pinched together, "Didn't say that it was the best, Son, just that it wasn't the same."

"What is it exactly that you would have me do about that, she's the one that said she wasn't staying."

Growing more aggravated Jake watched as Billy adjusted himself in the chair, interlocking his fingers on the table top, "You could just do what she asked of you."

Snorting, Jake stood from his chair and grabbed their plates, "It's not that easy."

"Isn't it?" Billy countered when Jake swung back around.

"You of all people know it isn't." Jake felt the guilt roll over him as the words tumbled out of his mouth. The hitch of his father's breath making him aware that his words cut in just like they were meant too.

"It may have taken me a while to open up to other people after your mother passed Jacob, but I did."

"As far as I can remember, Dad it was a couple years, by that point Rachel and Becca were already itching to get out of this place." Watching his father flinch, Jake couldn't help but wonder why he was being such a dick.

Billy sucked in a breath before his eyes turned to slits, "Now you listen here: I had a lot of responsibilities on me Jacob, a lot more than you do right now so it was a little harder for me. You, you're young and there are a load of people that want to help you, you just aren't letting them."

Rolling his eyes, Jake fought back the tingling sensation that was starting to itch at his legs, "And there weren't plenty of people to help you? What was your excuse?"

Narrowing his eyes, Billy gripped the wheels on his chair and jerked himself back from the table. In a move that caught Jake by surprise, Billy slammed his hand into the side of the table causing it to skid across the floor and slam into the refrigerator. Jake's wolf bristled at the threat as his father slowly pushed his chair forward. "Get down here," Billy instructed motioning for Jake to meet him eye to eye.

When Jake bent at the knees Billy's eyes hardened before he spoke through gritted teeth, "There were exactly six people willing to help me after what happened with your mother. Everyone else blamed me for what happened to her, you were just too young to see it."

Sucking in a breath, Jake stumbled back against the cabinet and watched as his father pushed himself back in the seat. " Harry, Sue, Charlie, Tiffany Call, Old Quil and Molly were the only ones that didn't blame me at first Jacob. They tried to help the best they could with me and you kids and I will never be able to repay them for that, but the tribe, they loved Sarah and they had no one else to blame but me, so they did. You, on the other hand, have all these people willing to help you through this and you're shutting them out. You should be grateful and accept it."

"You don't think they blame me for what happened with Dakota?" Jake croaked out, knowing deep down that it wasn't true. The roll of Billy's eyes made Jake aware that he wasn't buying it.

"No one blames you Jacob, you know that."

"So because no one blames me and I'm young, I'm just supposed to get over it like it never even happened?"

A frustrated sigh ripped through Billy's lips, "You know that's not what I'm saying, Jacob. If you let your family and your friends help you, you won't have to suffer for as long as I did. We just want you to get better and right now you're not getting better, you're just going through the motions. Even with Bella."

"It's not like I'm exactly comfortable talking to Bella about Dakota."

Billy's brows shot up as he leaned forward in his chair, "Exactly."

"I told her I'd talk to them."

"It's not going to matter if you aren't going to open up, Jake. You could skirt around the issues like you do with her, nothing is going to get accomplished."

Shooting up from the floor, Jake's hand went straight to his forehead. "What do you want me to accomplish!? You want me to be the Alpha of this pack? You want me to be the same kid that I was before all this shit happened? You want me to just be with Bella like nothing ever happened? No matter who I open up to, no matter how much I tell anyone, that's not going to happen."

"Why can't you accomplish those things?"

Flinging his arms to the side Jake couldn't help the look that shot across his face, "Because my imprint is dead, because since then the wolf is stronger than it has ever been and it is making me fucking crazy, because every one is pushing me toward Bella, even the wolf, and I have no idea what I want, or what is right."

"That's where you are confused, Jacob. You know what you want you just don't think it's right."

"You're so smart; tell me what I want, then."

"You want Bella."

Jake nearly swallowed his tongue, why does everything have to be about her?

"Because, even though you think it's wrong, you love her."

Billy's words caused Jake to freeze where he stood, realizing his previous thoughts came out as words, he slowly turned around.

"I loved her until she chose him over me, I loved her until I imprinted on Dakota."

"So you're saying you don't love her now?"

"It doesn't matter if I do or not, Dakota's only been gone a couple of months. Why does everyone think I should move on just because Bella is back?"

"It's not that we want you to move on Jake, we all just know how much you care about her. It's obvious, she's the reason-"

"Why haven't you moved on? It's been ten years, Dad."

If it weren't for the stone cold serious look on Billy's face at his next words, Jake never would have believed him. "Who says that I didn't?"

Settling back into his chair, Billy waited for the shock to wear off, encouraging Jake to ask his questions when it finally did.

"When?"

"It was close to three years after your mother passed."

"Who?"

Billy leaned forward in his chair piercing Jake with his eyes. "This stays between us. I promised her when things ended with us that I wouldn't tell anyone because she was worried about what people would say."

Snapping his mouth shut Jake nodded, "Tiffany Call." Billy held his hand up stopping the words he knew Jake was about to say, "Before you even ask, no I'm not Embry's father, nothing happened between the two of us until after your mother passed on. She pushed me more than anyone when it came to getting used to this thing." Billy said smacking the side of the chair. "She's a good woman, Jacob and the things people say about her, they aren't true."

A million questions were still racing thought Jake's mind, unsure of which to ask first he couldn't take his eyes off his father. He could see the devotion in his eyes as he talked to him about Tiffany. At the same time he could see the pain.

"When did it end?"

Billy shook his head and looked away from Jake before drawing in a ragged breath, "I ended it after Embry phased for the first time. I couldn't risk the chance of someone seeing her come over here when she was upset and worried about him. The tribe already thinks he's mine after all the support she gave me after your mother died. I know what the pack thinks and even though the council knows the truth about Embry's father, they still wonder if I was unfaithful to Sarah with her. The rumors would start again and I can't have her hurt."

"You were with her for five years? You still care about her?"

"I will always care about her. I'm doing what's best for everyone."

"You know that sounds stupid, right?"

"As stupid as it may sound, Son, I'm doing it so she doesn't get hurt. What you're doing only hurts you."

At a loss for words, Jake couldn't take his eyes off his father. He could see the pain in his eyes but the stubborn set to his jaw meant business.

"I don't know what she wants me to say to them. They know everything that happened with me and Dakota, and after-"

"They don't know anything after Jake, they say you blocked them out, they know how you felt, how you feel even now, sometimes they can feel how strong your emotions are, like today, but they don't know anything else."

Jake hung his head, "I don't know if I'm ready to talk about it."

Drawing in a deep breath, Billy shifted in his chair gaining Jake's attention, "Then don't."

Brows knit in confusion, Jake opened his mouth to ask, but Billy held his hand up, "I'm not saying ever Jake, just not now. You and Bella being together is great, but she's right; you need other people besides her. I know that you took pride in being the person that helped her, the only person that was there for her when she needed someone, but she should have talked to her dad, she should have opened open to her friends at school, but she didn't and look at where that got her. When you phased she should have been comfortable going to someone else."

"She's not happy."

"Jake, you know she's not and while you did help her and I don't want you think otherwise, it wasn't enough. Bella helping you isn't going to be enough, either. Your wolf knows something you don't, Son. Qhy do you think he would have needed their support today?"

"This is all so messed up."

"It is, but we want to help you Jake, everyone wants to help. You just need to let us."

"You really care about her, don't you?"

"Bella is like a daughter to me Jacob, you know that."

"I wasn't talking about Bella."

Billy sat straighter in his chair, his mouth setting into a hard line.

"Did you ever feel like you shouldn't?"

The tension left Billy in an instant, "Sometimes I did. After everything I went through with the tribe and even people I thought were friends, I had myself convinced that it was my fault, just like you do. Your mom would have wanted me to be happy, Jake. Just like if it were me in her place, I would have wanted the same for her. I know it's hard to convince yourself of it, but you deserve to be happy, Jake. Whether it's with Bella or not, you deserve happiness."

Jake frowned at the thought of being happy with anyone else but Bella, "It took you years though, Dad."

"Jake, I didn't know Tiffany much before then. She and your mother were always together watching after you kids. It took me that long to even let her in, Bella's already in, she has been for a long time."

"That's the problem, she shouldn't be."

"Why, because she hurt you when she was a teenager? That was years ago Jake, people grow up."

Jake's hands grew into fists at his fathers words, they were true. It hurt that she had left him, but she told him she was sorry and he knew she was. That wasn't what the problem was, and what would his dad think of him when he told him? Steeling his resolve, Jake stood tall looking down at his father, "I don't want this brought up at some council meeting, Dad." Staring down at his father, Jake waited until Billy gave him a nod. "I thought about her every day, even after I imprinted on Dakota." Jake's stomach lurched when he saw his father's lip twitch. "Not the way you think," He threw out quickly, "the feelings I had for her were...I don't know, different. When I left I hated her, I hated them. It hurt to think about her, to see someone that was short with brown hair, to smell vanilla and strawberries. When I imprinted on Dakota those things didn't hurt any more. I didn't hate her anymore, the love I had for her was," Jake drew in a deep breath wondering if his father would believe him, "still there but not strong, and the love I had for Dakota, it wasn't as strong as it was for Bella before everything, but stronger than it was for Bella then. Does that make sense?"

"It does, Son. You loved her for so long, and you love just like your mother did, with every thing you have."

"So why couldn't I love Dakota like I loved Bella?"

"Is that why you feel the way you do, Jacob, because the love you had for Dakota was different than the love you had for Bella?"

Unable to speak, Jake nodded his head shamefully.

"The love I have for Tiffany is nothing like what I had for your mother, Jacob, and it's not something to feel bad about. They are two completely different people, the love can't be the same."

"But I should have loved her more! She was my imprint, it should have gotten rid-"

"You know that's not how it works, Jake."

Jake's eyes slid closed knowing Billy was right, "Sam."

He could hear the sadness in his fathers voice when he replied, "Sam."

~TIBC~

If this didn't make her happy then he didn't know what in the hell would. Jake was shuffling along through the woods as slow as he possibly could, fighting his wolf every step of the way, his emotions a big ball of screwed up. He knew Sam wouldn't hold all the answers to his problems, yet he wanted to believe that there was something there that was actually going to help him with the guilt he was feeling, and maybe, if he could get rid of the guilt, he could start working through all the other shit. As always, for as long as Jake could remember, his life revolved around Bella Swan.

As he got closer to the house he could hear the sounds of Emily in the kitchen and smell the scent of fried chicken. His stomach rumbled as soon as it hit him. Jake knew Sam could hear him as he noisily made his way through the trees, but he still called out for him when he got to the clearing of their back yard. He heard a chair scrape against wood; Emily giggle and Sam's footsteps draw nearer as he came toward the back door. Standing in the frame, Sam jerked his head as a hello and held open the screen door, "Come on in Jake, Emily's just about done with dinner."

"Actually I'd like to talk to you."

Cocking his head to the side Sam jerked his head once more, "Well come on in we can talk over dinner."

Feet rooted to the dirt, Jake knew there was no way in hell he was going to talk to Sam about this around Emily, "Just the two of us." When Sam's body jerked up he was at his full height and Jake wondered if he was taking it as a threat, "I have to ask you something and I don't think Emily needs to hear it," Jake whispered low enough so Emily wouldn't hear.

With a nod Sam let the screen door slap shut as he made his way back toward Emily. Jake heard Sam tell Emily that he'd be right back that he was just going to help Jake out with something. He smiled when Emily told him to make sure to tell Jake there was plenty for him when they were done. His smile slid away when Sam came out the back door, his Alpha mask in place. This was going to be fun.

Sam made sure to stand far enough away from Jake that his wolf wouldn't feel threatened, his own wolf more comfortable with their proximity than Sam was at the moment, "What is it that you need, Jake?"

Jake looked around the back yard not really knowing how to start the conversation other than blurting out what he really wanted to know. This sucked so hard.

As Jake looked around the yard, Sam crossed his arms over his chest waiting for a response. Then, just as quickly he uncrossed them, not wanting Jake to take his stance as a threat. In all honesty, Sam was curious what it was Jake was doing at his house and why he was looking like a nervous little puppy. "Just spit it out, Jake."

At Sam's words Jake's eyes snapped up and locked onto the Alpha in front of him, his wolf not sensing a threat as he had earlier today, "Can we go sit over there?" Jake pointed to the burned out fire pit at the other end of the yard.

Waving his hand in the direction of the circle of stumps, Sam huffed, "Lead the way."

Once sitting across from Jake at the fire pit, Sam leaned back on the log, "What's this all about Jake? You look nervous as hell."

Jake's eyes didn't meet his. This time and Sam wondered if Jake was going to answer.

"Do you still love Leah?"

"What kind of question is that?" Sam snarled as he jumped up from the log he was sitting on. His eyes darting back toward the house to make sure Emily was nowhere near this conversation.

Instead of Jake jumping up at the threat, his head fell into his hands and he drew in a ragged breath, "I was talking to my dad and he made me realize that you and I might have more in common than I thought."

"And what the fuck is that?" Sam said as his hand balled into fists at his sides.

"I'm not trying to piss you off, Sam. I just want to know the answer and I'll leave."

"Are you serious, Jacob?"

Jake's head snapped up, his eyes locking on Sam's, I wouldn't be asking you if I wasn't.

With that Sam's eyes shot wide and he all but collapsed back onto the log behind him. "How about you tell me what this is about and then I will think about answering that question."

Nothing can ever be easy, Jake thought as he drew in a breath, drawing strength for the conversation he didn't want to have.

"It's about Bella."

Shaking his head, Sam clapped his hands together, "Isn't it always?"

Fighting the urge to snap back, Jake nodded his head, "Seems that way." Jake then told Sam about his conversation with his father, leaving Billy's situation out completely, focusing on the guilt that he felt for not only feeling the way he felt about Bella now but the way he felt about her when he and Dakota were still together. When he was finished he finally let his eyes refocus back on Sam, surprised at what he saw there. Instead of anger or disgust Sam looked as though he knew exactly what it was Jake was going through.

The anger that surged forward at Jake's earlier question was completely gone by the time he got done talking. In its place Sam felt sorrow and regret. He knew exactly what Jake was going through and it caused just as much problems for him as it did the kid in front of him. "Yes."

Jake's head cocked to the side, unsure of what Sam was answering yes to.

"I still love Leah."

If he would have been telling anyone else that he would feel like an asshole and have been scrambling for other words, but he knew Jacob wasn't going to judge him.

"You do."

Sam nodded his head, "Yep" making sure he popped the p just like the boys he leaned back crossing his feet at the ankles.

"This is so fucked up, Sam."

"That too."

"How do you deal with it?"

Sam wanted to tell him that it was just like Billy said, that his love for Leah was completely different than the love he had for Emily, but he didn't want the kid to tune him out. So he went for the truth, hoping it wouldn't give him reason to think his feelings for Bella were in any way wrong. Billy's words rang in his ears as he opened his mouth to speak; Dakota was Jake's soul mate for a reason, her purpose unlike the other imprints, was to bring Jake to the person he was truly meant to be with.

"It wasn't easy Jake-it still isn't easy, but I know that she isn't it for me. No matter how much I love her or what we once had. When we were together it was explosive, our fights were off the wall crazy, like the fights my dad and my mom used to have before he left, the difference was after. They would just go their separate ways until they were both ready to act like it never happened. Leah and I we would make up and that would be explosive, too. It wasn't healthy. We didn't realize it then, and I'm not sure Leah realizes it now because she's still hurt at the way things ended. I did her wrong, I know that, and I will tell her that some day when she's ready to listen. No matter how much we loved each other, it wasn't right. Knowing that, reminding myself of it when I find myself getting too overprotective of her, it really helps."

"Dakota and I weren't like that, though. We never fought."

"You think because you two never fought that she is better for you than Bella? Emily and I disagree all the time."

Shrugging, Jake didn't answer.

"Fighting and not fighting doesn't mean one person is better for you than the other, Jake."

"Everything was perfect with her, Sam."

"Things with Bella could be worse, Jake. She took you being a wolf better than Dakota did, didn't she?"

At his nod, Sam continued on.

"Even though she hates the cold, she was always down here, outside doing things with you. she always got along with Billy and your sisters. The pack hated her Jake, treated her like shit and she kept coming back."

"She came back because she was using me, to see him."

Sam shook his head sadly, "She kept coming back because she was falling in love with you, Jake and too scared to admit it. Those might not have been her intentions at first, but eventually they were. She was a kid and she was confused. She was around them which didn't help things, and the reception that she got around here more than likely didn't help either."

"Now I'm the one that's fucked up."

"You'll get through it," Sam answered honestly. "You just need to realize that the way you feel for Bella, the way you felt for her even when Dakota was alive isn't wrong, Jake. When you love someone as deeply as you do Bella it can't be erased by monsters or magic. You and Dakota didn't know each other that long, and as nice as imprinting seems to be it's not easy. The love might be there but it isn't solid until you get to know the person, and you already know Bella, the love could be solid if you'd let it. Did she ever tell you why she didn't marry him, why in the two years that she's lived with not only them but the other coven that is up there? Why is she still a virgin, Jake?"

Because she's mine, Jake and his wolf thought in unison as Sam's last question spilled over his lips.

Sam's smug smile was all Jake needed to see to know that the other man knew his last thought, "Talk to her, Jake. Ask her these questions, tell her the same thing you told me tonight. It's not going to be easy, but she needs to know what is going on, why you're fighting all of this as much as you are. You need to know the reasons for her decisions, too, Jake."

With a nod of his head, Jake stood from the log, the weight of the guilt still there but not weighing him down like it was before. He knew it was a step in the right direction, a step toward the happiness that as of right now he could believe he was worthy of.