Abel
The next night Cain pushed him to the shower, but followed for the first time. Abel faltered, stumbling with Cain's hand on his back, disoriented with the vertigo of being pushed into a little room with Cain behind him again.
They'd fallen back into the same routine as before, Cain pushing Abel into the shower every night whether he needed it or not, whether he wanted it or not, like Cain couldn't stand the smell of him any more. Like Cain couldn't make himself touch Abel unless he was scrubbed raw and held down.
Most nights Abel stood there until the water ran cold, just to have somewhere to be alone where he wasn't fussed over by Keeler and Praxis or followed by Deimos, where he could trust that Laius or Planchet or anyone else wouldn't come after him when he turned his back.
Except for Cain. There were no locks except for the door to the corridor; why would there be? They were a team again. He didn't have a way to lock out Cain, nowhere to go to be alone that Cain couldn't get to, nothing about him Cain didn't know about. Just the knife Deimos had given him, hidden at the bottom of his drawer and cold every time his fingers brushed it. Abel didn't think Cain knew about it, unsure what Cain had or hadn't told Deimos to do but very sure of what Cain would do when he found out about it.
Abel backed against one wall, watching Cain and ready to swing a punch if he had to. Cain just closed the door behind them and started taking off his jacket, careful to stay out of Abel's space even if he couldn't stay out of reach. It was a tiny room; there was no way to avoid each other even if they wanted to, but Cain moved slowly, only making small movements as he undressed.
Abel couldn't tell if this was an apology, or an invitation, or a threat. Couldn't remember if there had ever been any difference for Cain.
He stood there and turned his face away as Cain stripped naked. Tried to keep his breathing even as Cain turned his back and got in the shower, watching Abel out of the corner of his eye without saying anything.
Abel put a hand on the door and Cain didn't say anything, just watched him through the glass as he tilted his head back into the water. Abel took a deep breath. He could just leave. He could just lie down, try to fall asleep and wait to see how angry Cain would be when he came to bed. Abel could just leave.
Leave and show Cain how afraid he was, after Cain had let his guard down last night. The nightmares stop after a while. He thought he understood what that meant; it didn't excuse anything, but it explained a lot, even if Cain would never come out and say it.
Abel wondered who could ever have given Cain nightmares.
Maybe Laius.
Maybe it had been better that way; they had to trust each other. Cain had trusted him enough to at least try to put down his macho bullshit since the transfer back. Abel had to trust that Cain had stepped in to keep him safe as much as to claim him.
The alternative was just too hard to think about. They had to trust each other.
Cain watched as Abel unbuttoned his jacket slowly, hanging it up so it wouldn't wrinkle. Cain leaned against the wall of the shower when Abel stepped in, making enough room in the little space so they didn't have to touch.
The skin of Cain's hip was hot under Abel's fingers with the water running over them both, and Cain didn't move as Abel tilted his face up.
They hadn't kissed for a month, since the last time Cain had wanted sex, when Abel had closed his eyes and tried to pretend that everything was fine and nothing had happened, when he'd tried to not think about it and let Cain do whatever he thought he had to do to make things normal again. Abel had wanted to want it, wanted to want Cain, wanted to shut out Laius and Planchet and let Cain be a comfort, but he couldn't get away from Cain's smell.
But in the shower they smelled the same, just soap and water. Clean. If Abel closed his eyes he could pretend he was alone, or with someone else. Maybe Deimos, or Keeler. Someone safe.
Cain just stood there, one hand braced against the wall, but otherwise not moving. Abel focused on the water beading on Cain's collarbone, watched it roll down his shoulder.
Abel kissed him with his eyes closed, easing into it and trying not to think about anything. Cain hadn't wanted it to happen any more than he had; Abel had to believe that or he'd make himself crazy with paranoia, over thinking Cain's attempts to be gentle and all the promises he'd made.
Not that Cain had apologized. Not that he would ever apologize.
Abel wondered if Cain thought he'd even done anything wrong, but he pushed that thought away and concentrated on holding himself still as Cain put an arm over his shoulders. Abel told himself that he wanted this. He'd volunteered because he'd thought Cain just hadn't understood why he'd frightened Logos, because he'd thought Cain was just bluster and intimidation without anything to back it up.
Because he'd thought he understood Cain.
Cain put a hand on his waist and pulled Abel into him, both of them leaning against the wall with the water pouring over them. With Cain's arm around him, Abel could mostly convince himself this was safe, could mostly pretend they were back right after the transfer, when everything had seemed better and he'd wanted Cain so badly. Cain's wet hair brushed his cheek as Cain bent to lick drops of water off his shoulder, his mouth slow and his hand steady on Abel's shivering thigh.
Abel swallowed, breathing slowly to calm himself down. He tried to focus on doing what Cain needed instead of what Abel wanted himself. Cain needed to be in charge, and he needed to think he'd been the rescuer, not what Abel needed rescuing from. Abel didn't think Cain was hurtful because he wanted to be, just because he didn't know any better.
Get over it, princess.
Cain didn't try to be horrible, he just was. Abel didn't really know if that made anything better.
Cain's hands were slow, his movements careful like when he'd undressed, waiting for something, and Abel realized he hadn't moved since he'd put a hand on Cain's hip. Abel kept his eyes closed and concentrated on the feeling of Cain's lips on his neck and the feeling of his hand on Abel's waist, pressing them together. Cain was hard already, but didn't push, just held Abel there, his mouth ghosting over the veins of Abel's neck.
Abel put a hand in Cain's hair to bring him back up to kiss. Cain needed him; he'd asked to be taken back, even if he hadn't made himself actually ask. Cain could have done anything afterwards, but he'd only tried to kiss. Like now, Cain just waited for Abel to move.
Abel skimmed a hand down between them, tentatively stroking the tip of Cain's cock. It was better facing Cain; Abel had some control that way, could pretend he could stop this if he wanted, like he could control where Cain's hands went. Cain bit his lip, just a light graze of teeth, maybe testing what Abel wanted. Abel answered with a sigh he hadn't meant to make; it was a little return to normal, to before, when Cain's aggressiveness and possessiveness had made it seem like he cared.
Cain brushed Abel's hand away, reaching down to stroke Abel as he was getting hard. It was better than last time. Standing together with his eyes closed, without Cain's weight on him, without Cain's smell, Abel could keep the panic down. Lean into it and pretend he wanted this. Abel put his head on Cain's shoulder, letting Cain hold him up and stroke him harder. He was just so tired, so tired of being afraid of Cain, when they both just wanted things to be normal again.
It was the first time since Deimos he'd been even close to wanting sex, and Abel tried to forget that this was Cain, tried to pretend it was someone safe. Deimos. Or better, Keeler, not a fighter, as tall as Cain and protective but not so frighteningly overwhelming.
Abel had almost convinced himself this was safe, that he was with someone safe, when Cain spun him, pushing Abel face first against the cold wall. Cain pressed against his back, hard and demanding, his mouth still soft on Abel's neck.
The wall chilled him, Cain's hand sliding over his cock slowly as Abel's knees started shaking, because last time it hadn't been enough that Cain had made him take it in front of Laius and the rest, this time Cain was going to make Abel pretend he wanted to be hurt like that. Cain wrapped an arm around his chest, keeping him there, and might have said something, but Abel couldn't hear over the sound of the shower and the blood pounding in his ears. Cain's weight kept him pinned there just like last time, the floor tilting wildly and water spraying in his face.
"Relax, sweetheart," Cain murmured, and Abel heard that, right in his ear, Cain's breath soft and warm on his neck like this was just sex and nothing else.
Me or all of them, sweetheart.
Abel got his hands between his face and the wall, to keep from having his lips cut by his teeth when Cain shoved his face into the wall again, his throat closed and raw as Cain pushed into him slowly, making him feel every second of it this time.
It's going to happen either way.
No pain yet, but that would come later, when Cain decided he was done being gentle and was going to put Abel back in his place, for thinking he could ever be safe or have control over anything. It was all a mistake, he should never have volunteered for the transfer, should have reported Cain the first night—
"Shit, Abel, what the fuck is wrong with you?" Cain growled, pulling out of him suddenly and pushing himself back against the other wall. Abel stood there shivering, the water washing over him where Cain had been. Like nothing had happened.
Abel swallowed, leaning his forehead on the wall, trying to say something past the dry knot in his throat. "You said—you said you'd stop—"
"Fuck, I did stop," Cain snapped, spinning him so Abel had to face him, water sheeting over both of them. "You can't get in here begging to be fucked and then stand there frozen if you don't want it." You don't get to change your mind.
Abel hunched his shoulders against Cain's glare, waiting. He could defend himself from someone harmless like Praxis when he had the threat of Cain to back him up, but he couldn't here, trapped with Cain and no room to protect himself even if he knew how.
Cain made his disgusted face, the one he made when he thought Abel was being stupid and weak, turning off the water and throwing the shower open. He got out and scrubbed a towel over his hair, scowling at himself in the mirror.
Abel stood there shivering in the sudden cold until Cain glared and threw a towel at him. "Get out of the damn shower and go to bed, I'm not going to fuck you," Cain said.
"You're not?" Abel asked stupidly, embarrassed at how relieved and pitifully grateful it sounded even to him.
Cain glared again and leaned into the shower, towel wrapped around his hips now. "Abel," Cain snapped, and Abel flinched away from him, grateful to have at least a towel to hide behind. "I'm not going to fuck you until you want it, not now, not ever. You have to say something if you want to stop."
Abel blushed at the floor. "I didn't think you'd—"
"I never fucking—" Cain started, grabbing him by the arm, hauling him out stumbling and Abel just panicked. He swung and caught Cain in the jaw almost by accident, scrambling for the door as Cain reeled back against the wall.
Abel dropped his towel and grabbed after clothes in the bedroom, stupidly forgetting his uniform in the bathroom with his desperation to get away from Cain. He'd just gotten pants pulled on when Cain came out with a hand pressed to his mouth.
"You need to stop getting better at that," Cain mumbled. He pressed at his jaw, scowling at Abel, but stayed safely across the room. "What the fuck is the matter with you, you think I want to fuck you when you're too scared to say no? You think I wanted to fuck you in front of Laius and the rest of those assholes?"
Abel hesitated for too long, too shocked to say anything because sometimes he did think Cain wanted to do it; he'd threatened to do it and he'd come from it. They stared at each other and Cain went from annoyed to his blank anger as he read Abel's expression, all the distrust and fear and suspicion, Abel's face betraying exactly what he thought of Cain, making Cain face what he'd done. They were all the same, Cain and Praxis, thinking they could be the rescuer when they wanted and angry when Abel wouldn't go along with it.
Abel hesitated too long and Cain came after him again, shaking him against the wall, his fingers digging into Abel's arms hard enough to bruise. The back of Abel's head snapped against the wall, rattling him with Cain snarling in his face, too much, and Abel realized it was his own voice sobbing incoherently, too afraid of Cain to even get his hands up between them, too afraid to even try to defend himself, but it didn't matter because Cain was hauling his wrists up, trapping him against the wall again.
"Just shut up, shut the fuck up," Cain snapped, pressing him against the wall. "It was the only fucking way to get us both out of there, Abel, you don't know what Laius would have done to you. It was the only fucking way to get you out, I didn't want to do it any more than you did."
Abel took a ragged breath and another, trying to steady himself past the pain and adrenaline. He looked Cain in the eye for the first time in a month, shocked into reality again by Cain' angry desperation.
"You didn't?" Abel finally asked, managing to get back control of his voice. "You swear?" He didn't think Cain had ever lied to him. Cain had promised not to sleep with Deimos when Abel had asked. Even if Cain wasn't kind, he was at least honest.
Cain turned away, pushing Abel against the wall, but not as hard as he could have. "Fuck no. I don't need a goddamn rapist to tell me how to fuck my navigator," Cain said, easing himself down to sit on the mattress. Looking defeated, not angry, his head down. "You need another fucking promise, princess?" he asked, not looking at Abel.
Abel couldn't think of what to say, so he didn't say anything. Just stood there, looking down at Cain's bent head, disoriented and off balance with the sudden whiplash in Cain's moods.
"What the fuck do you want, Abel?" Cain said finally, still not looking up, sounding tired and frustrated.
Abel looked for something safe to want, something Cain would let him want. "I just—I just want us to be normal again."
"Fuck, Abel, I know. I know, I know," Cain said, and he sounded as broken as Abel felt, so he sat down next to Cain and let him put an arm around his shoulders again, because Cain seemed like he needed someone and they were all each other had.
AN: Cain, stop being such a jerk and maybe you would get laid more often.