Stephanie Hwang

For me, heartbreak wasn't me drowning myself in alcohol, doing drugs till I'm as high as a kite or going home with strangers to satisfy whatever pleasure I had.

I wasn't that way, but it was for Tae.

My heartbreak, wasn't me crying rivers after rivers in bed till my eyes were puffy, it wasn't the copious amounts of ice cream, chick flicks marathons or the onslaught of blind dates served just like a fast food restaurant; quick and easy.

For me, heartbreak was on a random morning before work, standing in front of the mirror remembering to smile because Taeyeon liked seeing those eye smiles.

I felt like I was living with a loose piece missing from me.

But I didn't dwell on the past. So I lived the first peaceful months of my life without anyone but myself. And Prince.

But he's so unfair to me.

He was the last person I know who would do such thing.

I couldn't comprehend and grasp what was happening right now. It came out in such a shock to me that I just ended up sitting there, hugging him.

I knew when the door clicked help had come. I was pulled off gently off Tae by Heechul and quickly they whisked him away.

I remained seated, staring at the space once occupied by my used to be best friend.

I looked down to see his blood on my hands. I grabbed his shirt and wiped it off as harshly as I could. It wouldn't, it stained my hands.

I pressed my forehead against the nightstand and held onto his shirt.

I really didn't know what to say, or think.

This is so damn unfair.

A part of me hates him, and another part of me still loves him and pity's him.

He's selfish, he should've known how this would make me feel. It's my fault he was like this. If I hadn't . . just left he would've been fine. If I could've just hang on for a bit more then maybe all our problems would've pass. None of this would've happened.

But at the same time I can't believe he'd think so decisively to the point where he made a decision to leave the face of earth.

"Hey, are you okay?" I glanced up at the voice and nodded, staying quiet.

"I-I don't know what happened here, but I'm going to be honest. I don't know if he's going to make it." I looked away. I wish I never heard that.

I was better off not knowing if he would be alive or not.

"I just saw him for the first time in months then suddenly he wants to end his life. What happened to him?" I mumbled, bringing my knees up to my chest.

He sighs and squats down to my level. He extends his hand out for me and I look at it hesitantly. I don't want to leave. I felt binded to Tae's hotel room. His bedroom, where his belongings were, where I saw him last before he was put onto a stretcher.

Heechul curls his fingers and lets his hand down, and just before he left it loose on his side I grabbed his hand. He stood up and pulled me up along with him, my own two feet feeling numb.

Where we went? I don't know. I followed him. He was like someone you had the feeling you could trust. He was close to Tae right, maybe it was just me trying to hold on to anything related of him.

The car came to a stop and when he turned the soft radio music down I turned my head to the window. Didn't think a cafe would open at such a late time but who knows, the city never sleeps.

Heechul and I sat across from each other. He had a cup of coffee and I had a cup of tea. My hand molded against the cup, letting the warmth embed itself and radiate along it.

My mind couldn't stop running back to the day where Tae and I drank coffee tea together, sitting on the couch of the penthouse suite in German as I made fun of his orange polo shirt. I unconsciously smiled and Heechul looked pretty amused, tapping his spoon on the dish which made me snap out of it.

"What's so funny?" He asked, I nodded my head and hid my shy smile.

He places his spoon back into his cup and clears his throat. "Are you willing to listen to everything I have to say?" I nodded. I wasn't really mentally or emotionally prepared since I just literally saw my lover stab himself.

"I-I don't know where to start but, you're free. As in, no ones coming after you anymore because Eunhyuks dead. Taeyeon killed him." My eyes widened. Killed. Taeyeon. Him. Three words in a sentence I didn't think I would hear.

I knew Tae was capable of doing such thing, but it still sounded so foreign to me.

"This was a month ago, here in San Francisco. You've heard about the Golden Koi attack right? That was us. The whole triad was there." He continued.

Oh, that. Right. It was utter chaos. I didn't even know that happened till late at night. I was at the park with Cheolwoo till I got a text from dad asking me if I was home and safe.

The next day the city was literally on lockdown, a bunch of people were arrested, murdered, injured and homeless. The streets parishes and there was literally no signs of civilization for the next week.

I didn't think much of it.

"We found out Eunhyuk was traveling here but it was suspicious because he has nothing here. No connections, no businesses so we assumed he was coming for you."

"Anyways, the city was basically fucked. I don't know exactly what happened but it ended up being Eunhyuk, Jonghyun and Taengo in one room."

"I know Taeng killed him but in the middle of that Jonghyun and Taengo were both seriously injured. When I arrived Taeng had Jonghyun in his arms trying to get him to wake up. But he was unconscious."

Taeng and the word injured still made me feel so fluffy from the time he was such a nobleman to me. I still felt the thumps and forces of people mauling Tae in my daydreams when I think back of the day.

"Jonghyun passed away." I sat there feeling so much for Heechul and Tae. They went through so much, yet I still don't know anything about their past. It was tragic for sure. Someone passing still felt so unreal to me. I've heard of the guy since Tae kind of talked about him, but other than that there's nothing else I know.

Heechul looked so distraught, I didn't want him to feel didn't he needed to tell me that if it made him feel that way. "I'm so sorry." Heechul nodded and muttered a thanks.

"You know, Jonghyun meant a lot to Taengo. They were like brothers. Taeng wasn't really okay after that. It was pretty bad, he blamed himself for it. I couldn't say anything because I didn't know what happened leading up to like death. I wish I knew what happened in that room." He trailed off, stirring the metal spoon in his coffee cup. The sounds of it clinking on the glass kept clicking and clicking.

"Taeyeon didn't even attend Jonghyun's funeral. . ." He stopped after that and I just rubbed my hands together. I didn't know what to say. What worries me is Tae's well being. Him not attending his best friends funeral says a lot. He's not okay.

I reached over and touched Heechul's hand, comforting him as lightly as I could. "He came back here. I don't know why he did." Heechul muttered.

"I don't know either, he showed up at my door unannounced. I was a little blindsided by it."

"I'm sorry you have to go through this." I shrugged. He didn't have to be sorry, it wasn't his fault

As the night grew thin there was just one thing in my mind I had to know the answer to.

"Do you think he'll be okay?" I asked, hoping he'd know the answer to my question.

"I don't know honestly."

"Oh."

"But I know he knew exactly what he was doing. He knew where to stab himself to bleed the most. If anything he lost a lot of blood. That fucking punk." Heechul said through gritted teeth.

My heart felt heavy, a little weary if I can say.

We just talked throughout the night, about life really. After he told me what happened I didn't feel much.

That same night that I laid in bed thinking about Tae's well being, I just hoped he was okay.

I didn't sleep since my mind was so awake. All I thought about was him, the blood that stained my hands at one point and if he'd make it.

Please make it Taetae. It's too soon for you to go.

I got a call the next day from Heechul. I hovered above the answer and decline buttons, not knowing what to expect.

I'm better off not knowing.

Heechul: He's, okay.

Heechul: Visiting hours are open soon, you can decide if you want to come or not.

God bless was all I said when I heard him say. I placed the phone face down onto the mattress and turned to my side.

I sighed and pulled the covers above my head, hiding underneath and I felt the bed shuffle.

"Good morning babe."

I sighed. Cheolwoo is the least of my worries right now.

"Hi." I squeaked, my voice laced with sleep. I felt his hand intertwine with mine and he pulled me closer to him, I felt his warmth and he hummed against my head. The soothing pats on my back reminded me so much, of someone else.

"I have a photo shoot today till 8, I won't be back home for dinner." He mumbled. I looked up and he tiredly squinted at me. He looked so kid like.

I pinched his nose and he huffed, kissing my shoulder as his hand trailed down my back. Further down till it reached my ass.

"Cheol. ." I mumbled, pushing him by his chest as I tried to get his attention.

He leaned forward and kissed my neck, nibbling on it as I felt his cup my cheek. His tongue started to wet my skin and I tensed up and shut my eyes, letting out a sound of bliss when I felt him bite lightly.

"Yeah?" He asked huskily, that one hand squeezing my flesh. I yelped and kicked his shin lightly. He didn't react and when that warm hand slipped in between the waistband of my shorts my own hand shot right to my back and held his hand firmly, not letting him go further.

"Stop it."

"Why?" He asked innocently with a frown.

"You know why."

I caught him rolling his eyes and I was seriously about to tell him off. But before I could he got up and went to the washroom and I knew he was mad at me.

I got out of bed and went downstairs. I walked past him and he didn't say anything else but quietly ate breakfast. I was so frustrated by him at times. Sometimes he just doesn't understand.

After he left for work I prepared a little sandwich and packed it in my bag, getting into my car to driving to the place I asked myself if it was okay if I went.

I'm going because I'm worried, I want to know more.

My curios side, my loving side just swept over my consciousness.

I opened the door handle and peeked in, noticing how the walls were so white, the curtains were drawn and the occasional beeps from the monitors made it seem so, lifeless.

I stepped onside, not forgetting to close the door behind me, afraid that I'd wake him.

Tae looked so, lifeless, just like the room. He laid there with clips and wires coming out of his body, he hair was tussled and his chest rose up and down in a pace slower than usual

I sat on a little stool right beside him, not too close yet not too far. He was breathing, he was alive.

My trembling hand went up to caresses his hand that was beside him, running my fingers tips along his knuckles and occasionally bumping into that wire that he needed.

I felt like it was so wrong to touch him and be so close to him.

"Taetae. ." I whispered, glancing up to see if he had heard me.

Of course not.

Whatever I felt fitting beside him was so humane into he sense that I felt so much for him.

When Heechul swords was repeated constantly in my mind I got so riled up.

I hated how he did this to himself, how he did it in front of me and how selfish he can be.

He knew what he was doing, he knew where it would hurt the most so that he'd be able to leave for sure.

But that sliver of miracle I begged and pleaded for shone through, and here he is now.

Lucky or not, he was close. He was so stupidly close and I want nothing more but to beat him up.

He shuffled in his spot and grunted. I looked up to see him opening his eyes as he looked around.

My first reaction was to instinctively give him a piece of my mind for scaring me like that. "You idiot, you stupid, you babo!"

"Why would you do that to yourself! Why do you do that to me!"

I practically screamed at him. He looked frightened and startled but he never tore his gaze off me.

"Explain to me? Your thought process Kim. You think I'd be able to live with myself watching yo do that? Do you realize how I feel?" I shoved his shoulder and he frowned.

He gulped and looked away. I was so mad at him, mad enough to rip the covers from him to get his attention.

"It's my fault? Isn't it. That you're like this? I'm the root of your problem?" I repeated, my voice straining as I looked crazy.

"No-No, please don't think that." He said, shaking his head.

"Well look at you, and look where you are right now. Remember what you did? You fucking stabbed yourself right in front of me. How else am I supposed to think!"

I heard him inhale. "I did it when you just walked in. There was nothing you could've done to prevent it, I already did. . ." He said quietly. My mouth literally dropped when he told me

"It's none of your fault, so please don't think so." He continued on.

"How can you say that? You're so selfish. . . Did you not think about what will happen if you left? What I wound feel, say or -" He placed a hand on mine and stopped me.

"Why did you come back to my room? I thought you left."

I took a long time answering. I didn't remember why I even went back, but when he kept knitting his brow waiting for an answer it clicked. "I heard some noise and I-I thought you fell over or something."

He gulped again and I handed him a bottle of water. "How long were you there?" His voice still sounded so scratchy.

"Not long enough because I didn't see you hold the knife. The entire time we were talking, you were bleeding out?"

He nodded

I hated that. We were talking about good things, kind of. We were so close to each other, I was practically sitting in his lap, leaning in his shoulder listening to his apology. Little did I know, he was dying right before me.

"Did you really mean it? With what you said?" I asked.

He nodded and sighed.

I felt sympathetic for the guy. I didn't mean to shout at him. It's too much for him, for me to yell at him when he just woke up. "You're not okay Taetae. . . what happened."

"Nothing." I wanted to interject. I wanted to know more, to fight with him. But when he looked so tired I didn't press on.

The doctor's and nurses came in to check on him but by the time he was done I had to go and he had fallen asleep.

I glanced at the watch on my wrist and reluctantly looked up. I didn't want to go so soon but I had work.

I took out the sandwich I made out of my bag and placed it on the counter next to his bed.

With a note in hand I placed it on top of the wrapped sandwich, it read 'Eat, Tae. I'll be back tomorrow.'

With a small smile I shut the door to his room as my last look saw him sleep more calmly than before.

He's alive, breathing. He's okay.

The next couple of days involved me visiting him every now and then.

I didn't think he wanted me there because it always got awkward with that silence.

I didn't stop though. He's my best friend, or was. The least I can do is support him since he's all the way here in San Francisco.

I always left a lunch for him and he seemed to eat it, but he never mentioned anything else abut it.

It was when I sat in his room accompanying him with his checkup. He told me was afraid of needles and I was there amused as can be when he practically screamed when the nurse walked to him with his shot in hand.

"Can you not? Like I don't need it."

"You need it." I piped up.

"Shut up Hwang." He hissed. He scootched over and avoided the needle like the plague.

I couldn't stop smiling. Big bear was afraid of a measly needle.

"Pussy."

"Fuck you, okay? They're sharp, pointy and pokeable." He says, rubbing his arms and bending all the way back to avoid the needle.

The nurse sighed. "Mr. Kim, you need this or you won't get better."

"I can do without, thanks." He said, waving his hand.

The nurse told him to close his eyes for a few seconds. He looked at her skeptically and then when he actually did the nurse kind of stabbed him in the arm and pulled the needle out in a split second.

It took a few seconds for it to register, but when it did Taeyeon was hollering, screaming and about to pass out as he stuttered.

"W-W-W-W-Why?!" He screamed, lifting up his shirts sleeves to look at his arm that had a new bandaid covering his needle shot.

I sat in my chair giggling at the kid like man, missing his dorkiness and stupidity.

The nurse winked at me and walked out with her head held high, probably glad she accomplished her daily task of tending to Taeyeon who as so painstakingly needy.

"Calm down Taeyeon-ah, you have to get used to it anyways."

"Why do you get to talk? You're allowed to walk out of here and go get yourself a burger while I'm stick taking needles to my ass and eating gloop from the fucking cafeteria." He sulked and kept whining.

I smacked his forehead and he held his head like I severely injured him. "Fany-ah." He whined.

"Stop being a big baby."

He let out a 'pfft' and threw his pillow at me which I caught and threw back. I should've smothered the guy with it. "Can you take me somewhere?" He asked.

I laughed and shook my head. "I don't think I'm allowed to do that."

"Just drop me off there and then I'll have Heechul pick me up? Please, I-I just want to leave this room."

"I can't."

He looked up at me with that stupid puppy eyes and I sighed.

"I feel like this is borderline illegal." I mumbled, looking behind me to see if the doctor or whatever was there.

"It's not, it'll be okay. Just like leave a note on the bed for the doctor or something." He reasoned, grabbing paper and pen from the side of his bed.

"Tae, I'm not sure if it's okay for your health."

"Sure it is! Trust in me Ms. Hwang!"

I sighed, and nodded.

I sat him up on his bed and threw him his shirt and pants, telling him to get dressed as I turned around. I had thoughts about helping him, but I really had no position doing that. It was weird, we're no longer 'lovers' just friends. And friends don't peek at each other changing because well, that's weird.

When he was done I felt a soft cloth hit the back of my head. He had a smug smile on his face as I felt his shirt around my neck. That little bear threw his shirt at me as if he's some entitled prince.

Nonetheless he got onto his feet and we both snuck out of his hospital ward. I glanced back at his bed and this fool made a makeshift 'person', underneath the sheets was a big lump and I saw a circular head rest on the pillow. Gosh, it wasn't believable but at the same time it kind of was.

I smacked Tae's shoulder and he gave me a 'what'. I nudged him and made him look back at his piece of work, he sniggered and I giggled along too.

Tae was funny, and I've missed that feature of him so badly.

Both of us looked both ways into the hallway as we peered our heads out each corner, sliding up against a wall like a secret agent. We shuffled along the walls and when we saw an exit with stairs we booked it and went all the way to parking level 3, where my car was.

We were both out of breath and I was surprised to see him catch up to me even though he was practically injured. He leaned on me as he tried to catch his breath. Every now and then he inhaled and exhaled sharply and I thought he was going to pass out.

I dragged him into my car and he sat in the passenger seat, opening his phone to type in an address.

He set the phone on the dashboard and pointed at it.

"I need to get something, then we can go okay?" I nodded.

I did what he said, but the car ride was awkward and silent. Tae himself sat there without a peep and I glanced at him every now and then. For some stupid reason my heart fluttered and I was somewhat itching to get him to talk.

We haven't for so long, and now we're like good friends. On good terms.

I didn't pry further though. I just focused on getting to our destination and when we did he stepped out of the car and opened the trunk, pulling out a long rod and when I looked at is closer it was a fishing rod.

I followed him as he went through a thicket of bushes and a gravely trail. As we went further in it opened up to a beautiful large lake, encircled by a cove like area. My eyes glanced at the crystal clear still water, looking onward to he mountainous sky that reminded me of his house, his cove, his man cave.

He sat on the ledge of the cliff and fiddled with his rod. I didn't know what else to do so I joined him. I thought I was a bit too close because we kind of touched knees. I accidently brushed my hands on top of is too and I still felt so giddy.

Those familiar feelings were returning back to me.

I looked over to see him casting and reacting his fishing line.

He hummed a tune and smiled.

The wind blew against his body and it made him look so peaceful.

"You wanted to come out and fish?"

"Yeah, don't judge okay? It's my happy place." He said.

I thought he was so cute for saying that; his happy place.

"You do seem happy."

"Well I am. I'm fishing aren't I?" I nodded in agreement.

I watched him whistle in happiness, eventually reeling in a fish in which I squealed and looked away.

"Wanna try?" He asks, gesturing the rod to me. I shook my head.

"Fish and their eyes scare me, so no thanks."

"Fish eyes? Is that your deepest darkest fear Fany?"

"Yes, don't judge."

"Judging you." I playfully shoved him by his shoulder and he threw the fish beside me in protest.

I screamed and got up quickly, backing away from the flopping fish trying to get back into the water.

"Tae!" I screamed, hating how he was rolling on the ground laughing.

I went over to him and started beating him up. And by beating him up I mean throwing hands at him, yelling at him, whining at him and complaining a crap ton.

But when the laughter died down, we both were laying by each other with our shoulders touching.

I turned to face him and I had so ma t questions start to fill my endless thoughts.

"Tae?" I whispered.

"Yeah?" He replied back in a quiet tone.

"Why did you decide that you wanted to leave the world?"

He thought hard for quite a bit but when he turned around he smiled a little. "Truthfully, it was because I lost a lot of people that I cared about. I felt really lonely, like I was left alone."

"D-Do you mean Jonghyun?" He nodded slowly. He put his hands behind his head and stared up into the sky.

"And you, I lost you too."

"No, Tae you didn't."

"You mean a lot to me too. And like, we didn't talk for so long. I think I kind of just lost it."

I sat up and poked his shoulder, rubbing my fingers there.

"You scared me Taetae."

"Sorry, I won't do it again. It was selfish of me, you were right. I don't know what I was thinking."

"Hm."

"It's not your fault so please don't think that it is. I know what I did doesn't really support that but it really isn't." He reassured me.

"I can't stop thinking that it is. I could've done something."

"It couldn't be helped. Forget it okay? We're in a better place now." I was quite shocked. I liked this new Tae.

"Were you sure that you were going to die?"

He nodded. "I was very sure."

He sat back up and continued to cast his line. Every time he caught a fish he let it go, but he always tried throwing it at me and making me squeal every time.

Did I hate him for doing that? Yeah. But I couldn't help but feel like we were okay when we both laughed. We smiled with the time spent together.

I kept him company as he did what he loved. I didn't know the reason why he abruptly wanted to sneak out of his hospital room to go fish.

Of all things fishing. But I didn't question it. If it made him happy then it made me happy too.

I cared for him, and he did too.

Even when we returned back to the city and the hospital I couldn't stop smiling.

I laughed so hard when the nurse that gave him the shot found him in his room, scolding him for leaving the room. She pinched and pulled his ear for scaring her like that.

She even threatened to give him some random vitamin shots just for the fun of it.

He shook his head and pleaded on his knees, begging her to have mercy.

When I saw him pull out his duffel bag and set it on the bed I was a little uneasy.

"You're leaving?" I asked quietly. My voice dripping with disappointment.

"Yeah, Heechul's taking me home."

"Okay." Damn.

I sat on the edge of his bed, folding his clothes for no reason.

He smiled at me and I shot him a questioning look.

"It's nice of you to do that for me. Thank you." Ah.

I shrugged. I smoothed out his favourite silk short sleeved shirt, fixing the colour and buttoning it up.

My hands ran over and over the silk material many times. I started to space out because I had so many things I wanted to say to him.

"Tae, be good for me okay?"

"You told me that before, have I not been good?"

I shook my head. No, you haven't.

He sat up a bit taller and with worrisome eyes looked at me. He looked really cute to be quite honest. "Really?" He said quietly.

I nodded. "Be good, because I will come visit you."

His eyes looked like they were twinkling just like a cartoon characters. That innocent look on Tae's face.

Truthfully, I wanted him to just stay alive. Who knows what he will do, because I certainly no longer know what he's capable of. I'm scared.

I don't want to lose him like that again, it frightens me.

"You will?" He squeaked.

"Mhm."

"Okay. When?"

"Soon."

"When is soon?"

I smiled at the endless questions he kept asking me. Wanting to pry the answer out of me.

"Promise me you'll be okay?"

"Will you promise to visit me soon?" He shot right back with a quirky smile.

I nodded. "Then I promise you too."

I patted his leg and got up, slipping the shirt into his duffel bag.

"Can you update me on Prince? I wanna know if he's got a girlfriend yet." I smiled, nodding and zipping up his bag.

"He's working on it. It's not really working since you know, he's gotta have a wing man."

"That's me." He said confidently, giving me a weak smug smile as best as he could. I laughed.

I laughed a warm laugh. One that was so full of genuine happiness that I hadn't felt for a long time.

"I have a present for you." I said, almost forgetting that I did.

"Wow, really? What's the occasion."

"It's a get well present."

I handed him a bag and he took it, opening it and grabbing the content out and putting it on his lap.

He kind of just stared at it, a bit confused at first.

"A duck?"

"Correction, a stuffed animal ducky."

"Thanks? I guess?"

I felt a little uneasy. Maybe he didn't like my gift.

"I just thought that since you gave me monkey George, I might as well give you another stuffed animal to sleep at night with."

He cracked a smile and shook his head, looking at the fluffy toy in utter disgust.

"He's too yellow, it hurts my eyes." He says, squinting at it before roughly shaking it.

"Please don't abuse the toy? Take care of it and take care of yourself okay?"

"Yes ma'am." He saluted, hugging the duck.

I hugged him goodbye and told him I'd call every once in awhile to check up on me.

I warned that if he got into some sort of trouble I'd personally come down to L.A.. and beat the marbles out of him.

He smirked and said 'more reason to cause havoc.'

When he really did fly back home I kind of didn't know what to do after my days at work.

I thought of him as I went to get takeout. I placed the bag on the passenger side and drove to Cheol's photo shoot.

Maybe a really attractive model could deviate my mind from my former love life.

Going into the agency I was intimidated by the bright lights and constant models walking past me.

God, the girl who passed me was so hot. Like, she had legs and I wish I had long legs.

Damn it.

With my plastic takeout bag in hand I looked up to read the signs.

Gold plate after gold plate I scanned over i looked like a lost tourist in china or something.

I looked around and everyone seemed to be doing their own thing, no one was inviting for me to ask for directions.

I thought about texting Cheolwoo but I wanted to surprise him.

I walked past an open door and didn't think much of it, but when I heard the giggles echo in the spacious room, I stopped when I heard that familiar husky tone.

"Baby, come on dance with me yeah?"

"We can't, we have to shoot."

"Director won't be back till a couple of minutes, come on it'll be fun."

I stood at the doorway and watched in amusement with how his hands were on some girls hips.

They trailed down and cupped her ass, and I saw him squeeze it as she squealed.

He started to press kisses along her neck and when she moaned I cleared my throat.

He looked up, hands still somewhat up her skirt. I raised a brow and he immediately let go of her and she stumbled forward.

"Really?" I said, amused.

He shook his head and started to walk towards me. I scoffed and turned on my heel, walking away from him.

"Tiffany, hey hey come back." I walked faster down the hall as I heard my heels click.

My hand clutched the plastic bag before throwing it out harshly into the trash can.

I kept hearing my name being called over and over again.

But I never did stop and turn around. It wasn't then till he grabbed my arm and forcibly turned me around.

I had my eyes bore right into him. I felt my cheeks heated, feeling so humiliated by him.

"She was just a co-worker, please don't b-"

"A coworker you groped and kissed, flirting her as you tried to get into her pants. Okay, Lee Cheolwoo. We're done."

"Wait, no it's just a misunderstanding. We were just dancing? Okay, I-"

"Please stop making lame excuses. I watched you for 15 minutes. You were definitely trying to sex her up."

"Why are you so pressed? It was just a little fun."

I laughed so hard in his face. He didn't look amused, but rather confused. He kept holding onto my arm and I pushed him away.

"We're done."

"What the hell Tiff?"

"Can you really blame me? It's not like you were putting out either. ." He dared to say.

"Wow, congrats. You just gave yourself the title, 'biggest douche of the century' just because I wouldn't suck your dick or give you what you wanted." I spat, hating him so much.

I have morals. I'm not going to be pressured into letting my body be used for their entertainment purposes. I knew what he was doing but looked past it because he kind of made me happy.

But with longer days and weeks spent with him, it really did look like he was only here with me for that reason; sex and only that.

He shrugged and I couldn't even believe him.

I shoved past him and got into my car. He kept tugging the door. I drove away and didn't even care about him anymore.

I guess it was just some stupid puppy love between the two of us. I wasn't necessarily attracted to him. It didn't hurt when I saw him. Frankly, it's like I didn't;t have a care.

Just kind of hurt knowing that what he really wanted from me was that.

I shook the thought out of my head and headed to the club I first met him, wanting to dance away my problems in the night, maybe have a little fun, drink a bit. Nothing too drastic.

I squinted at the neon blue lights as soon as I stepped inside the thick doors. The sound of roaring music, chatters of the crowd and cigarette smell filled my nose. My head started to pound a bit from the overzealous tunes of beats.

I weaved my way through the crowd and smiled as I caught a group of my friends sitting in the lounge, huddling around each other.

A waitress walked by my with a tray of drink and when her back was turned against me I quickly grabbed one off the tray and continued to walk into the direction I knew would start my night.

"Tiffany, hey! Haven't seen you in forever! Where's Cheol?" I shrugged and smiled, letting the guy's arm wrap around my shoulder.

I glanced at the illuminated dance floor and tugged the guy towards it, seeing my friends whistle and wink at us.

I felt so electrified when I was out. Rebelling was it? Not exactly I was outgoing yeah, I made friends easily, I talked to people because it's my nature, my personality. But it somehow felt so wrong.

I had like that teacher side of me, you know that innocent side. But then my 26 year old side was showing right now, partying, drinking or whatever. I was still young, I wanted to have fun.

The night felt extra long. Each shot I took prolonged the night. My body felt so exhausted yet so alive. I didn't have an exact purpose as to why I was here, but it didn't matter.

I grabbed then nearest guy and pushed him against the wall, giving him a look that made him smirk back. He leaned in and paused just before he touched me with his lips. My hands clutched the guys shirt and pulled him closer, mashing our lips together as I felt his hand press him against me.

I smiled against his lips, but losing that sensation when I felt myself get pulled back.

"Tiffany." Cheolwoo said with such a low growl. I frowned when I saw him, turning my head back to the guy who was standing in front of me. He looked pretty pissed.

"Hey, the fuck do you think you are? Piss off kid." That random stranger I pulled out of the club to kiss had said.

Did I care? Not exactly, but when they had a shoving match I rolled my eyes.

I walked away and grabbed my bag, throwing some cash onto he table to pay for whatever I had tonight.

I quickly slipped out the back door but when I heard that same door being slammed open I quickened my pace.

"Stop fucking running away!" Cheol's voice boomed and it sounded exactly like the time Tae told me that too.

I snapped and turned around, slapping him across the face.

He glanced up, holding his cheek and I didn't even let him speak. "What makes you think you can say that! You were the one who flirted with some other girl, had your perverted hand in some girls pants, kissed someone else and then tell me it was nothing! Don't come here and start causing chaos and making me look bad!" I yelled, shoving him back.

The alcohol that had started to take over my body had caught up fully now. I felt so tipsy, I felt like I slurred my sentences just a bit but when he showed up my anger just sparked.

"Why are you all over some other guy?" He had the nerve to ask that.

"We're done did I not make that clear? Whatever I do doesn't concern you."

"It does when you're out here whoreing yourself up with someone you don't know." He muttered.

"Everything that comes out of your mouth just gets worse and worse. Remember you told me you were different? That's what they all say you pretentious asshole." I narrow

I wanted to turn away but somehow Cheol always had a every lasting grip on me. His fiery lit eyes and clenched jaw made me look twice at him. He didn't scare me, I wasn't afraid of him.

Just like how I did with that stranger in that club, he pushed me up against a wall, arms trapping me. I gripped his bicep and squirmed.

He pressed his lips against mine with such force I couldn't even move. His hands trailed up my dress and touched my skin with his smooth warm hands. I relaxed and he broke the kiss, moving down to my neck and wetting the spot there.

I shoved him back with both palms on his chest and when I glanced up he had my lipstick smudged against his lips.

I pulled him out of the back alley and we both stumbled into a taxi, our hands unable to keep off each other that night and I knew exactly what I wanted tonight from him.

I had to keep his face away from my neck or we'd probably do each other in the car. I kept pushing his face away playfully, both of us were too occupied by each other.

I felt the sweet bitter liquor on his lips and I couldn't stop tasting him. The taxi driver looked at us once n awhile, he shook his head and kept his head on the road.

Cheol through a bundle of cash into his lap to shut him up before he pulled me out o the car and carried me to my house.

Then again, we stepped into the hall and as soon as it closed he pressed me up against the wall.

I turned my head to see our reflection in the mirror. him attacking my neck again as I wiggled in his hold. My hands went up his neck and into his hair, pulling on it to get his attention.

We fumbled our way up the stairs, giggling in the halls as he slammed the door open, pushing me on the bed. He took his shirt off and I still admired that lean body.

But then I sat there and compared.

He wasn't like Tae. His jaw, wasn't so defined, wasn't so sharp. His body wasn't that built muscular body I admired from Tae. His hands that touched me weren't as soft as his either, or the way he kissed me wasn't lovingly like he did.

It wasn't a nice thing to compare him with Tae. I did it anyways as I bit my lip, imagining anyone but Cheol. That anyone was Tae.

I'm such a bad person.

when he stripped me bare and was settling in between my legs my senses came to me and I held his hands tightly.

"I-I can't." I whispered.

He let out a frustrated sigh and sat up.

I laid there covering my body with the blanket at the edge of the bed. As far away from Cheolwoo as possible.

Even through my somewhat of a tipsy-drunk state I still had my consciousness.

"Tiffany." He said, reaching out for me.

"Don't." I reminded him.

"I-I thought we were?"

"Sorry, I-I can't." It felt so wrong.

He sighed and touched my bare shoulder. I turned further away from him and hid my face in the blanket.

Both of us were intoxicated. I had a whole nother scenario that played in my mind tonight.

I didn't expect myself to reject it and deviate away from my plan.

I thought I was ready.

Turns out I wasn't.

I wasn't ready and I was sure as hell not going to give my first to someone I wasn't quite feeling for.

God, what was I thinking.

"Leave, please. We're done here." I said in a hushed tone.

He picked up his clothes and got dressed, slamming my bedroom door and the house door on his way out.

Ever since that we haven't talked.

It didn't affect me that much. I didn't care. It was dumb.

I guess I just wanted accompaniment for the time being.

Sooyoungie: baby Fany come visit me, I need your opinion on a dress. :(

Miyoungie: You can just send a pic of it to me ._.

Sooyoungie: It's a dress I want to get laid with. Come on, it's for the guy I told you about. Also, it's about damn time you visited.

Miyoungie: ugh. you're so needy.

Sooyoungie: I don't care I miss you. :'(

Miyoungie: lol ok. oh, I also ended things with Cheol. :s

Sooyoungie: bitch, you're flying over here right now. I want to know every single detail. It's an order.

Miyoungie: ._.

Sooyoungie: don't give me that face.

Miyoungie: ._. fine.

Either way I couldn't get Tae out of my brain. I booked a ticket the week after because I promised to.

Yet I needed his company.

I felt like it was right to be with him, because the time we did spend together when he was in the hospital felt normal. It was like second nature.

I arrived and kind of had a smile on my face. I was home, ish. I'll visit Sooyoung later. I have somewhat of an important 'appointment' to attend to.

I still had the keys to the house, but I need to return to him later.

My hands turned the knob and walked in. The house was too quiet because I heard the tick tocks of thee clock ring in his hall.

"Taetae? I came to visit!"

Silence.

"Taetae?"

I walked into his living room to find it empty, except the tv was on with no sound.

I turned it off and looked at the mess on his couch, finding nothing out of the ordinary when it had a mess of blankets there. It was lived in.

The pizza boxes and cans of soda was littered on the table and I couldn't find where my bear was.

So I walked upstairs and opened the door, seeing him slouched over.

My heart raced, it's like I knew he wasn't okay. The thoughts of him leaving again pounded against my head and I wasn't ready for that to happen.

I'd do anything to not make that happen.

"Taetae . ." I ran over to him and he slouched even further, slurring while mumbling.

Oh god, please no. Don't take him so soon. He was so close to leaving.

"Fany? Fany, please take care of me?" He pleaded, eyes glistening.

"I'm so scared." He said, clutching his chest. His hands grasped the materials of his shirt so tightly that I thought he would rip it off himself.

He tried to hold himself up with his hand on the table but struggled and I thought he would've tumbled then.

I went over to him and helped him stand up. We both stumbled towards the couch and I gently pushed him to lay on it.

I helped him take a few pills and then I opened his shirt, pushing it open to rub some medicinal cream on his knotting muscles.

His breathing started to slow and I kind of awkwardly laid on top of him watching over my bear.

"I got you Taetae, it's okay." I whispered softly. He nodded and grabbed my hand, squeezing it.

"I don't want to die truthfully. I thought maybe if i did it would be better for me."

I shook my head, not wanting to hear that. "Shh, shh. Go to sleep Tae, you need to rest."

"You're so good to me Fany-ah. I'm sorry." He turned to me and nuzzles his face into my neck.

I was kind of shocked by the action but I still wrapped my arms around his body and help him tight.

I knew he was crying, which still is something I don't see everyday from him.

His hot tears ran from neck down my collarbone and it wouldn't stop.

"I don't want to die. Fany, make the pain stop. Make it go away." He mumbled, shaking his head to get it to lessen.

My trembling hands went up to cup his face, wiping the tears away.

I've never seen him like this. It scared me.

"It hurts, it hurts so much."

I held him throughout the night, patting his head till he fell asleep.

I listened to his soft snores as his chest rose up and down steadily.

"I don't think I can leave you, Taetae."

I looked down and he was already asleep. The once boulder looking man turned so small, so vulnerable and adorable in my arms.

I combed his hair through my fingers and pressed my fingers onto his ear, rubbing it like I always did to get rid of anything bad for him.

My baby bear.

I watched him sleep, wondering how we went so wrong.

My heart wanted him. I want him in this state. I wanted to take care of him, to make him happy.

He was never a bad guy, he's always been so good to me. He's somewhat I wanted to spend my days with.

I remember how happy he made me too, how well he treated me and compared to Cheol and others in the past, he's an absolute angel.

We had our bumps yeah, but who hasn't. It wasn't as bad as I've had it.

But through my reminiscing I heard him mumble. Incoherent mumbles.

He moved in my arms, frowning in his sleep. I touched his cheek and he shook his head, breathing faster and faster.

"Jonghyun?" He mumbled. I felt him starting to get hotter, he felt a bit sticky from his sweat.

He kept shaking and when he suddenly grabbed my hand I welcomed it.

"Jonghyun? Come back." I shook my gently awake when he mumbled it. He slept like a rock and when I did it a bit harder he opened his eyes, an immediate frown was on his face and he sat up quickly.

"Fucking Eunhyuk." He muttered. I patted his arm gently and he laid onto his back, sighing while he tugged at his hair in frustration.

"How are you feeling now? It's only been like 2 hours."

"I feel like poop. It's hurting again, can you get me my pills?" I got out of his bed and walked into his den.

My hand rummaged through his drawers upstairs quietly, looking for the same bottle of pills.

A piece of paper that was shoved in the bottom of the drawer made me take it out.

It clearly had his name printed on, with the hospital logo on it.

I scanned over the hospital logo and opened it, reading his name and his medical information. It wasn't till I read the part where it said his recent checkup that outlines any problems.

Chronic Chest pain

Painkillers. He always had painkillers at his disposal for his condition.

He's not well, in fact this is so bad. Chest pains can easily translate to heart attacks.

I wanna be there for him when he hurts. When he's depressed I wanna be the one who he goes to talk to.

He's mentally not well, and the fact that he contemplated suiciding pisses me off.

Whatever happened to him caused him to think such drastically.

I never wanna be apart from him. He can't leave. I wouldn't know what would happen if he did.

He's the one I keep comparing people to. He's the one, I know he's the one.

I want him, all of him. Bad things and good things, he's still my little bear that made everything okay.

I want to be with him.

I approached him and put the piece of paper in front of him.

He looked at it and glanced wearily at me.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

He picked the piece of paper up and looked back up at me. "It's just a small thing." He said.

"How long have you had this?"

"I don't know, a couple of months ago?"

"You've had this for that long? Look at you Tae, you're like suffering. Did you tell anyone else?"

"No."

"What happens if you're left alone?"

"I just lay there till it passes."

He kept palming his chest and I handed him a pill, passing the bottle of water to him.

"Let me take care of you Tae." I said softly. My heart yearned for him.

"Okay. Just don't. . .leave me halfway. I need you the whole way."

"I won't. I never left you." I said, laying down beside him. He immediately snuggled closer to me, body wrapped around mine and we slept together like that.

It was home to me, and I don't know about him but this is what felt right.

I want to tell him. But I fear rejection, what if he's done with me now? Is there still a chance for us? Because I'm willing to take it once again. "Tae."

"Yes Miyoungie?" He said tiredly.

It took me forever to process and piece together but I knew what I wanted to say. It'll change our status, it'll make us back into something maybe, or if not then we'll be seperated again. But I wanted to try, I wanted to see if I'll be shut out from him, or if he'll accept us again. "I love you." I whispered. My voice cracking when I said such precious words he's fought for so long to hear me say. Those three words I also battled to speak out.

He looked up with soft eyes. He broke out into a smile and I cupped his cheek. He loved it, he loved what came out of my lips. He nuzzled his face there and kissed my palm.

"I do too. I never stopped loving you." He said with such certainty that made my heart explode. There was no rejection, rather just open arms with acceptance.

I blinked back my tears and leaned in closer to him, pecking his lips. "I don't ever want to see you leave. So please don't?" I whispered.

"Can we try again then?" He asked quietly, fingers pulling on mine.

Again, let's try again now Tae.

I nodded. "I want to try us too."

He smiled and laid back down, sighing in contentment as he pulled me closer to his chest.

I laid a palm there, circling over his wound.

I missed you.